When I found out that Doug had fallen out of love with me and found someone else who was “perfect” for him, I set out to clean house on myself. I definitely took the blame, and thought I needed to make a lot of changes to save my marriage. Obviously, I wasn’t thinking clearly and was desperate, so I set out to change everything after the affair.
I threw away all my old underwear and bras and bought matching, sexier ones. I tossed all the old boxers and sweats I wore around the house in exchange for cute little nighties.
I also wore my padded, push-up bra around the house (like I was really fooling Doug into thinking I have big boobs). I put make-up on when I woke up in the morning. I even began closing the door when I used the bathroom. The list goes on and on.
Looking back I wonder what I was thinking. Would these stupid little things really help me to save my marriage? If so, then the marriage wasn’t worth saving in the first place. But these little things have been very difficult for me to let go of, and I really didn’t understand why until recently.
Saturday morning when Doug and I got out of bed, it was a beautiful, cool, fall morning and I preceded to put on my shear little nighty, like I have for the past two years. I have learned to sacrifice warm for sexiness.
Doug asked why I was wearing that, and why I didn’t put on my pink fluffy bathrobe. I looked at him like he had lost his mind. I was thinking I can’t wear that because it swallows me up and you can only see my head and toes.
He was confused why I didn’t wear the bathrobe anymore, but then he told me that I looked beautiful in that robe, and very sexy because it looked like I was naked underneath it. His words were so sweet and genuine that I really felt secure when I put on the robe. He really did good!
I realized that I was afraid to let all the silly little changes go. I was afraid that he would leave me or fall out of love with me again. I guess those silly little things were my security blanket. It really made me think about what I had changed about myself because of his emotional affair, and that I need to bring those things back because they define who I really am.
Doug and I have made some very good changes concerning our marriage, and personally we have definitely thought about how our behaviors and communication contributed to the distance that had existed in our marriage before the affair. However, wearing a bathrobe, closing the door and always wanting Doug to see me as perfect can be thrown out of the door. I can save my marriage by just being who I really am.
LINESPACE
14 replies to "The Pink Fluffy Bathrobe"
Linda,
Thanks for sharing the story of the fluffy pink robe. It is a great story illustrating the importance of being yourself. Sadly many times spouses look their worst around the one they love. They forget the simple little things like hygiene and decent clothes which are really not so little in the long run.
It is a challenge to balance between being who you are and getting lost in the fantasies of push up bras, sexy underwear and stiletto heels, etc. As a wife, you will want your husband interested in you and not the training them to respond to the toys and dress up items. When a spouse responds solely to the dress up items instead of the wife, they can be distracted by those items and develop a fetish for them. Keep in mind that fetishes develop when the objects are the source of stimulation more than the person.
I say all this to applaud you on your story and to remind people that it is often a tricky balancing act between looking good for your spouse and training them to respond to the objects rather than the person.
Linda–I did the same thing but I don’t think I did it to win back my husband. I did it to feel good about myself. That was one of the qualities that my husband loved about me–my self-confidence which he says makes me even sexier. Now that I am working on rebuilding myself (i.e. restoring my self confidence etc…& marriage) I no longer need to have the sexy undergarments to make myself feel better. My husband loves me for who I am (flaws and shortcomings included).
I am who I am and that is one self-confident woman working her way back to strengthening herself from the inside out.
I love this story. I am so happy to read about your success in finding happiness in your marriage again.
I can’t believe how I can see the things that I am doing right before my eyes as I am reading this.. I feel like such a fool. In reality the cute undies and sexy stuff was exciting at first but it’s not what the real problem is.. Being in the very early stages of this, I am doing things that I don’t ever realize I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I feel very rejected and down on myself but it’s not really me. I’m still a little lost and very emotional. One day at a time. I hope it gets better, but if not then it won’t be because I didn’t try my hardest.
Had a long discussion with H last night. He is still blaming me for the affair. Says we do not need to work on anything together. I alone have to make changes. Said affair was unavoidable given negative path we were on. Says misses me and wants to come home but cant because of my negative behaviors. I told him he choose the affair and I won’t take the blame. Stalemate… Again…
Disappointed-
I don’t recall your complete story, but are YOU in counseling? I think this would be critical toward keeping your sanity right now.
Also, it sounds to me that your H is just flat out ignoring his ability to resolve these issues/his feelings about your marriage, by not going to counseling with you.
If he won’t work with you toward mutual healing, and is saying that it’s your problem alone, what keeps you connected to him? Sure, we all have things to work on, but when faced with his choice to step outside the marriage, he can’t see that it’s a shared issue???
I’m also curious, is he in counseling to work on why he made the choices he did?
My H had a month long EA with a friiend of ours – a married mother of two. When I confronted him he left me and has his own apartment. That was 4 months ago. We see each other 3-4 times a week due to our business and just wanting to see each other, talk daily, etc. I am seeing a counselor, not sure if it is helping. Think I am handling it best I can. He sees the EA as almost a non-issue because he says he was already done and that he was tired of living with a dead person. Says he is sorry he hurt me and I did not deserve it but that he does not regret his feelings for her, even though they are fading now. It seems like instead of introspection, he is blaming his EA more on me as time goes on. The night they started texting I was mad about something I did and even asked me yesterday if I ever wondered if the EA woould not have happened if I had not angered him. I told him that was BS and that he made a choice. My brain realizes this is so uunhalthy, but so far I still love him and cant imagine living a life without him in it. He refuses councling and now has declared I most change and we dont need to work on things together. He says he wants to come home, and I want him home so we can work on things, but doubt if he will ever really look at what he has done. My trust issues because of the EA dont seem to be a priority. He truly believes he did everything to tay married. If you ask any of our friends they would tell you he is difficult to live with andmany hate how he treats me. It would be easier if I could stop loving him, but Idont see that happening. He is saying the EA was textbook, understandable given situation. I do not agree, it was a choice. All I can do is make some changes and know I have done all I can. He has to change too whether he admits it or not.
There was an error in my typing. The night they started texting HE was mad because I had someone do work for our business that he did not want me to rehire. I could not find anyone else and so I hired him back for that event only.
I can so relate to the pink bathrobe story! After I discovered my H’s EA I felt the need to look my best all the time, but after a while it feels quite draining. I was convinced I had to wear lipgloss etc wherever possible, and generally look glamorous. But when I think of the creature he was cheating with, I wonder why I bothered! She is very plain whereas lots of people tell me I’m attractive, so it was a big shock to find out he was was seeing her, especially as she’s married with teenagers and she’d befriended me. They would meet at hotels, so I’m guessing she’d wear underwear that she’d bought especially. So I’ve tried to explain to him that she probably doesn’t do that for husband, it’s just that they were living out a fantasy and no doubt she wears drab stuff like the rest of us on a daily basis! After D Day I also went out to get new underwear and nightwear, which must be a normal reaction, but lately it doesn’t feel as important because I think that if he wants to do it again he will, because it doesn’t seem to be a looks-related issue. However, for the last two years since I found out I’ve shaved my legs every day instead of once or twice per week, because I feel as though I just can’t stop doing it, just in case. It’s just a small thing, but it’s something I can’t let go of.
Wow. Buying sexy underwear is knee jerk reaction to partner’s EA, I see. I did that too. And joined a gym.i gave both up soon enough.
I wish I had joined the gym for myself.