Infidelity causes intense emotional pain--anger, disbelief, fear, guilt and shame. But an affair doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage.That Loving Feeling
In response to Linda’s post from yesterday, I’d like to say that looking back on things, there came a point when I realized that there were too many things that were so important to me that I was risking losing by my continuing to have a relationship with Tanya. I guess the first and foremost was the thought of losing my family. My family means everything to me, and the thought of possibly losing them made me take a long hard look at what I was doing, and eventually motivated me to break things off with Tanya. Additionally, I felt immense guilt for the pain and suffering that I had caused to Linda. She did not deserve that, and it is something I still feel badly about to this day. So that was the start.
I made my decision to break things off and try to rebuild my relationship with Linda. At the time however, there was still the fact that I had lost some of that “in love” feeling with her. That gradually came back over time as we started to spend more time together doing fun things, talking and spending more “quality” time together. Basically we were doing the things we had done when we first started dating. We placed more value on us then we did on things such as working in the yard, or cleaning the garage, or even doing things with the kids. During these times, we would talk a lot about what we wanted in a relationship and were completely open and honest with each other. We held hands. We cuddled. We laughed.
Our sex life also became much more satisfying as we both were able to express ourselves more openly and honestly in the bedroom too. This caused us to become even closer on an emotional level. Prior to that, we basically were just going through the motions not just in the bedroom, but in our relationship as well.
Eventually, I started to have those strong feelings of being in love with Linda again. It’s been like starting over again and it feels great. I can honestly say that Tanya is a distant memory, and that Linda truly does have my whole heart. As an added bonus, I truly cherish and enjoy not only her company but also those of my children much more than I did while I was “away.”
To sum it all up…my emotional infidelity with Tanya offered me many of the things that had been missing in Linda and my relationship over the past few years. It was exciting. It was fresh. It was fun. It made me feel good. By basically starting at square one with Linda, I (we) have been able to resuscitate our love life and now I feel all those things—and more–in my relationship with her. I wish I had been smart enough to think of doing these things in the first place!
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I wish my husband could read this… But unfortunately, when I try to share articles like this he says he feels “manipulated”, like I am trying to convince him to agree with me instead of letting him figure out on his own what it is he truly wants. Is that part of the “affair bubble” or what I call “brain damage” that is going on as part of his affair (now ended, but we’re still in limbo)?
Our marriage counselor even said that I should stop expressing my desire to save our marriage to my husband, because he clearly knows what I want so telling him over and over again doesn’t make his decision or ability to figure out what he wants any easier… WTF is that supposed to mean? I just have to sit here and pretend to be happy while he “figures it out” on his own?
(Yes, I’m thinking of finding a different marriage counselor for us, this was the last of several statements that I felt “put down” or belittled by…)
Actually Kate, the last thing you should be doing is pressing the issue too much. He knows you want to save your marriage, but you don’t want to resort to forcing the issue, and interrogation or manipulation.
I’ve been keeping quiet about it most of the time… It’s not easy, but I know that is what I need to do.
I try to push back my emotions most of the time, and I only allow myself to cry when he’s not home so I am not rubbing it in his face. /t I also don’t ask him bout our relationship/lack thereof/the affair/the OW, I just snuggle and cuddle when he initiates it, share loving touches as we pass in the house, take interest in what he’s doing (biking, career, etc) and generally just “play house”.
But this can only go on for so long… I mean, I guess he could just sit here and say “I don’t know what I want” forever and we’d be in permanent limbo.
He willingly agreed to No Contact with the OW, admitting he was wrong to have gotten involved with her and he had to end it because that was the right thing to do. I’d think if he really wanted to leave me, he would have done so by now. His dad lives 5 miles away and has three open bedrooms in his house, they have a great relationship, so its not like he’s at the house because he has nowhere else to go.
There’s something keeping him home and acting loving toward me even if his words say something different. Right now, I am hanging all of my hopes on that. I figure “Actions speak louder than words” and hope he will eventually realize that he wants to work things out.