stupid things said while in an affair

This post may not be appropriate, however sometimes it’s nice to add a little humor when the content is so serious.

I did not intend to make fun of Doug or make him look stupid, even though he was!  I just think some of the things he said were humorous.

It’s true that when you are married to someone for a while you believe that you know that person pretty well. You know their likes and dislikes and their behavior is fairly predictable.  But when your spouse is involved in a marital affair all of that goes out the window.

I would constantly wonder if someone kidnapped my husband and returned someone who had lost his mind. He would say and do things that were not representative of his behavior and history.

At times I thought I was losing my mind because maybe I really didn’t know him as well as I thought I did. This is why I compiled a list of stupid things Doug said why he was involved in his emotional affair. 

If your spouse is having an affair I am sure you may have heard some of these. If not, just give it time. I just wanted to let you know that you are not crazy.

1. “She is helping me with our marriage.” I feel so fortunate that Doug was able to find someone who was in an unhappy and deteriorating marriage to help us with our marriage. I know that last year we were reaping the benefits of her advice! (Heavy sarcasm)

2. “You would like her.” You know that if your spouse is involved in an affair you will understand why I choose not to comment on this one. This site is rated PG!

3. “We (Tanya and Doug) don’t believe or agree with marriage counseling.” When I found out about Doug’s affair, I was desperate and didn’t know what to do. So I found a marriage counselor and scheduled an appointment. On the day of our appointment Doug and Tanya had a lot of activity on the phone texting, and talking back and forth. I am sure they were discussing how marriage counseling would not help save our marriage.

4. “We see things the same way; we agree on almost everything.” I guess that is true when you are living in an affair bubble. You may be discussing problems, however you are not living together, facing financial problems, dealing with the demands of children, coping with times your spouse is not being very loving, etc.

5. “Ending the affair was a process.” When I found out about Doug’s affair I wanted him to stop all contact with her. He was unable to do that immediately, even though I was deteriorating both physical and mentally before his eyes. He said it took time, I guess they had to wean themselves from each other, almost like being addicted to a drug. Did I just say addiction? Hmmm.

6. “We have nothing in common anymore.” Of course we don’t.  You are so busy living a second life that you really don’t have time to ask me out to lunch, go to a concert or play tennis. And of course it is so easy to talk about what you and your affair partner have in common, though you really don’t have to do any of them.

7. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” What does that mean? That after thirty years together you don’t have that exciting, fresh feeling that we used to have??  That instead you have deep, committed feelings that come with commitment, history, acceptance and honesty?? That it may not produce that tingling feeling you had when you were a teenager (which eventually ends, but with time and effort you experience a much more meaningful kind of love)?

8.  “Kids are resilient.” While Doug was involved in the affair, he believed that if our marriage ended our kids would be OK.  I knew that if this happened our children would never be the same.  Not only would their future be affected, they would have looked at their past as a lie.  All the good memories would have been viewed differently and they would have also carried enormous guilt believing that this may have been their fault.

9.   “We are just friends.” If you were just friends  then why is it that I never met her, and why did you never tell me  when you were with her? If you were just friends why was your relationship based on lies and secrets?

There you have it.  I’m sure eventually I can come up with many more!  When I do, you can be sure I’ll post them here.


Opt In Image
Inside the Mind of the Unfaithful
Understanding Why Cheaters Do What They Do

Doug talks with several ex-unfaithful persons who share their experiences, thoughts and feelings.  They answer the most asked questions betrayed spouses typically have for the cheater.



    143 replies to "Stupid Things Said While in an Affair"

    • Eleana Lamb

      Whatever that is said is indeed happening to me, can I ever recover from these painful memories? Is it worth to save the marriage when the hurt is so deep?

      • Linda

        I know that the hurt must be unbearable at times, but you have to really believe that you will get over it. Trust me! Concentrate on yourself and what makes you happy and take it one day at a time. Linda

      • Meg

        I got, (to our marriage counselor) Is that really flirting?) From my forty-something husband.

    • Mia

      It feels so good to read what you say and make me feel better. Thank you!

      • Linda

        Thank you Mia for the kind words. That is the goal of this blog!

    • Mishie

      I have heard many of those very same things. I can add, that “the other women have not stepped on my toes,” because they are” just friends “only because he is still married and they can’t be involved that way until he is divorced!! If Talking and texting every day and going to lunch without my knowledge isn’t stepping on my toes then I don’t know what is.
      We have been married 21 years and he is choosing to throw it all away. He just served me divorce papers because he doesn’t want to be married anymore. He is hanging out at the bars most every night and he is certainly different than when we were together.


      • alycon

        I got ‘you’d like her’ too…….. Actually, I’d like her to disappear from the face of the earth.

    • Kristi

      Wow, I have heard all and still hearing all..I have one for you…”If she says she is sorry for sleeping with me can we all be friends.” or “We can divorce and still be together”. I am on the verge of leaving my husband because he see’s nothing wrong with being her friend, he goes out all the time now, blames me for everything, says we talk to much about it, and it is all about him right now and it feels good and he is happy having a social life outside of me. I am here trying to work on my marriage and he said he wants it but he is not in it his actions show that. I am at a lost and so hurt and said. 16 years together and this is what I get for loving and devoting my life to him.

    • Debborah

      I heard many of those after 24 years of marriage and I would add: “She gets (understands) me . . . you don’t”. Ouch! It’s so hard to charge neutral but it does pay off. I just looked at my husband like he was having a session of insanity. It doesn’t do any good to argue with a crazy person.

      • Terri

        Have you ever noticed that the craziest ppl are the ones who believe that they are the sanest–just ev1 else is crazy or doesn’t understand their parallel universe in FantasyAffairLand. They are so self-deluded that they actually can start rationalizing and justifying to the point WE may even buy into it-Ouch! I keep saying my mantra silently “Stop the madness!, Stop the insanity” and try calm and placate the lunatic. Oh 180, or charging neutral or agreeing with them whatever it at least makes the BS feel saner. Okay here are some stupid quotes in the beginning by my worsehalf:
        D-DAY with kids and me after just being told, “She(OW bought a lot of gifts for you guys(my kids), is it okay if I give them to them now??” “She’s so generous”(and has pathetic, poor taste in thinking doing that was right or even decent.
        “Don’t you wan’t me to be happy? Don’t I deserve that chance?” said to me and kids.(don’t we all)
        “I have already given up the first half or my life–I want to be happy in the second half.”(gee how easy it is to forget all of your 1st half happiness-births of your kids, wedding, etc…)Only a crazy person says this to his wife and kids and thinks it is okay! Direct route instead of implied would have been translated–“Sorry but y’all are a bunch of losers that have ruined my life up until I met this wonderful woman and now I have hope for a happy future away from all of you deadweight/ball and chains. Get it now?
        They may try to use pretty sounding(to their ears) words, but they really don’t care what kind of negative impact they have on their loved ones–no remorse, conscience, or empathy. Isn’t that characteristic of a sociopath?

        • Linda

          Terri, I think the comment about the giving up the first half of his life has got to be one of the stupidest I’ve heard yet. Thanks for sharing.

        • Angel

          Terri, my husband said exactly the same thing about giving up “the best years of his life” for me…. duh, I never put a gun on his hed and asked for it! I then gave him a birthday card thanking him for the years he spent with me, all the more important because it was by choice….

      • Betterthanthis


        Dean and I have been together 25 years total and married 20 years this past August 8th. I agree with you, he is having a session of insanity and it doesn’t do any good to argue with a crazy person. i know your post was back in 2010.
        He strongly believes she gets him. All she is getting are lies. But, that is for him and her to work out, not me.

    • michael

      Sorry girls. It not a guy thing it is a personality that some women have to. I just see so many women posting on here I feel like, wow I’m an emotional guy. Maybe if I was more that kind of guy, where would I be today. I am happy to be a strong man and in touch with me. I was brought up in a wonderful home and learned to respect women more than most men do. I hope other men will post on this. But the macho mentality keeps them from looking weak. I get that. I was like that. But this experience has changed my outlook on life.
      That being said I wanted to share a couple I’ve heard.
      “We were best friends before and we’re just trying to catch up on 18 years we haven’t talked. It’s just so easy to talk to him like before”.
      “He is happy we are working on us”
      “I haven’t cheated on you. I’ve thought about it. But I wouldn’t do that while we’re together. ”
      “Maybe I should leave and work on this myself so I stop hurting you”
      Thanks ladies. just had to jump in.

      • Tom

        Thank you for your words. I have been hearing many of these words from my wife. She doesn’t want to let go of him.

        • Doug

          Hey Tom, Thanks for commenting, and welcome. Sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Many others here are going through the same thing, so feel free to seek advice from those that comment.

      • Annie

        Oh yes Michael, I have heard that – “let’s just call it quits so that I can stop hurting you , and you can get on with your life” How wonderfully magnanimous, how wonderfully thoughtful and generous! (Heavy sarcasm in case you did not realise)

        • Eleanor

          I heard that one too. How considerate of him! In actual fact he is the most selfish self-centred pig! Only thinking of himself. If he were so concerned he would not have cheated in the first place!

      • guilty

        it’s been great seeing these comments. so i can relate to what my H would be thinking of me after EA. i also see the comments of that I’ve said to rationalise/minimise my wrong choice and behaviour (ie split up so I can think about what I really want and so I can stop hurting him). ie blaming external factors intead of admitting I was doing the wrong thing and admitting I was unhappy.

        coming from the other’s side perspective, yes I was delusional. yes I was making excuses and lying not just to my h but also to myself coz I knew it was wrong and yet I stayed in the situation coz i was caught up in the fantasy especially as it was an ex love from long ago “the one I never got over”. but at the same time it is confusing. it is like a drug, it just mess with your head and defies logic. this is not an excuse just an explaination.

        • Cari

          My situation was also an ex love from long ago “the one I never got over”. How long did it take you to quit missing him and wondering “what if” constantly. It has only been a month since I ended it.

          • CookieMomster

            Cari, If you’re still not over your affair partner, believe me your spouse knows it! It’s in your eyes every time they glance at someone that looks like your AP, it’s in your sighs and in the little things you don’t even realize you’re saying. If you want to “get over” your AP here is some advice: Put more effort into reigniting your relationship with your spouse. Plan more date nights, even a weekend getaway. Write him small notes of reassurance. Be sure to touch him ever so lightly every time you walk past him. Trust me… these actions will not only make your spouse treat you differently but will cause you to see him differently also. Try anything that might put some fun back in your relationship. Spend your time concentrating on him instead of your AP… that’s OVER! And here’s a big one to keep in your back pocket. I say that, because it takes a long time for BS’s to trust you again, but it would be a big step: When some kind of trust had returned to the relationship, ask him to marry you. Seriously! You broke your marriage vows…. especially the one that says “keep you only until him/her as long as you both shall live”. When it appears that your spouse can believe you again, ask him to marry you. Assure him that you want to renew your marriage vows and that this time NOTHING will get in the way of your keeping them…. as long as you both shall live! If you are believers, do this in a church or in front of your clergyman and MEAN IT THIS TIME! I dream for the day when my spouse would come up with an idea like this… and mean it!

        • Betterthanthis

          Again, his is an ex love or should I say one week fling. She is an old high school friend. Can’t really call her a girlfriend because they only “dated” for one week. Either way, in there early messages on Facebook, he told her she broke his heart and he has never stopped thinking about her. Well, maybe he should have pursued her 25 years ago. Either way, they really are meant for each other. Both lie, cheat, drink a lot of alcohol. I suppose it helps him numb the guilt and shame. Because he, too, knows what he is doing and has done is wrong and the worst thing you could ever do to your 20 year spouse, but yet, he continues to do it and is completely intoxicated by it.

    • jann

      Ah, my dear, have you been listening to my husbands comments to me? You are right, with time the comments that our cheating spouses make becomes light humor. The truly sad part is that they actually expect us to believe them and are hurt when we don’t. The irony doesn’t escape me.

    • JABNEY

      I LOVE what you had to say. Yes, my soon to be ex-husband said a lot of these statements~ especially the one about her helping him with the marriage (and I like your comment, “I feel so fortunate that Doug was able to find someone who was in an unhappy and deteriorating marriage to help us with our marriage. I know that last year we were reaping the benefits of her advice! (Heavy sarcasm)” because his girlfriend/office manager was on marriage # 3 and it too was unhappy and deteriorating) and I heard it a million times that they were “just friends.” UGH! Why do so many people lack bounderies???!!!!!!!

      • HarrieB

        Aah, yes, # 1 another addition. I have heard (on more than 1 occasion), not just that she was helping with our marriage but that SHE had SAVED our marriage – how kind of her!

    • Dee Shore

      Add to #9 (We’re just friends) “But she’s so easy to talk to”. Sure she is when all she does is smile and say “Yes” and “I don’t know”. I had to meet her. Never had an opinion of her own, never asked a question, just smiled and looked goo-goo eyed at him and he ate it up. I also got the line–I just can’t stop all contact at once, she will be so upset!!!—but I insisted and his selfish self knew that I was more advantageous to him than his Chinese ego boosting sweetie half his age

      • Gettingoverit

        Oh my god chinese ego boosting child half his age?! Exactly what h fell for. He said he felt he was being “fatherly” YUK

    • Heartbroken

      After sixteen years of what I thought was a perfect marriage, I caught my wife last summer having an affair with another married man in a motel a few miles from our home. Confronting her within an hour of her leaving, here are a few of the comments that were shared with me:

      (Of course, picture these said with a straight face.)

      “Who?…I don’t know anyone named ________.”
      “Nothing happened.”
      “He is happily married…We are just friends…There is nothing to worry about because he lives in another state.”

      …and months later…

      “He would never leave his family.”
      “I met him just to talk and catch up…I honestly didn’t plan on anything physical happening.”
      “I promise I’ll never communicate with him again…you can trust me.”

      Ultimately, I’ve learned that affairs aren’t initiated gender specific, and that it does truly take two to tango. There can be no perfect life. We are now working to save our marriage, but the hurt still runs deeper than words can explain…

      • Linda

        Heartbroken, It’s amazing what is said when someone is confronted in these situations. At least both of you appear to be working on saving your marriage. Good luck to you on your journey!

    • michael

      Heartbroken.. Wow this one struck a nerve with me. When my wife started communications with this “old friend”, I know (e-mail proof) she invited him to a show that she works at in his home town. I’m sure she also talked about meeting up and “catching up” on the years gone by. This show is in another state than ours and she usually goes to them with other people that work the same show. I stay at home with the kids. So now that this show is coming up in the next couple months I get more and more anxious about it.
      At first I demanded that I go with. Emails with the people she goes with showed her contempt at me for wanting to go. Than while we worked on her ending the relationship she stated that she wanted to go on her own and TRY not to see him (another stupid thing said). With the encouragement of our counselor she gave in and I am going. And it took weeks before she actually checked on room rates and availability. Maybe the time away from kids and home, even with having to work, will be good for the two of us. Its been a couple of weeks and she still hasn’t rescheduled our meeting with the counselor. Does this say something about her?

    • Carla

      Hi, these posts are so interesting! My son just confided in me recently that his wife of only 18 months has been ‘involved’ with a man she had a very brief relationship with 7 years ago (about 2 years prior to meeting my son). It seems she ‘bumped into him’ (of course!), and they went for coffee. Since that fatal moment she also appears to have ‘bumped into him’ in 5 star hotels and spent the night with him. Apparently, (so she told my son), they are ‘like old friends catching up’. She told my son that the ex was still single – at age 50 (she is 29) as he has ‘never been able to find a woman who doesnt have baggage.’ However, she feels that he is The One. My son thinks the ex is just after his wife for a bit of physical activity but she seems to think their ‘love’ has been re-ignited.
      My son is definitely charging neutral, telling her she is not to use him as a safety net and that she has some important decisions to make because he is not going to share her with her ex.

      • Linda

        Carla, So the fact that your daughter-in-law is married is not baggage to this guy? Amazing! The stupid things said list keeps getting longer! I think your son is handling this situation quite well.

    • Carla

      Yes, insane isn’t it? My daughter-in-law only went out with this guy for a month (she exaggerates, so it was probably only a couple of weeks!) around 2003.
      He’s also told her that he had to leave his last serious relationship as the woman was a schizophrenic! Just how gullible can someone be? Cant see the relationship going anywhere with this guy but the problem is now the trust is broken in the marriage.
      Add to this the fact that daughter in law travels with her job and is often away for two or three days, my son has a lot to deal with.

    • Dorothy

      Wow! I have heard these all of these. But yet I keep trying. He has gone to counseling with me, said it was over, not! He then said he would do a program called Retrovaille. It was painful and soul searching. We were connecting..he seemed to get it and said it was done with her…again not! Now what? He claims he wants to try again, I am exhausted over this…it’s been too many years. Claims no sex, but is “in love”..says loves me more! What is that?!? Not sure what to do. Just very sad and angry. Would have been better if he just took responsibilty and left.

    • Heartbroken

      Michael – Are you saying that your wife does not want to continue the counseling? Have you called your counselor for advice on how to handle your specific situation? I read one of your posts on another topic and sense that we are in amazingly similar situations. You should go with her on this trip and she should encourage you to go. Ironically, just two weeks ago, I knew that the my wife’s OP would be in town again on business. (thank God for his work’s website) I elected not to say anything to her, but watch her actions prior to those days. I quietly put in for vacation at work and waited until that first morning to tell her I was going to stay home and help her with the projects and errands she had been talking about doing all week. She should not have known that he was going to be in town unless they were still communicating and she kept asking if there were any other reasons why I was staying home as if she knew. I never admitted to anything other than wanting to be helpful, but felt it was within my right to take a non-confrontational step to protect our marriage. In my mind, your wife should want you to go with her or actively avoid situations where he might be present. I’m very curious, how long ago did you learn of her OP and when can I expect this daily pain and sadness to lessen???

      Dorothy – I think love is a complicated topic to define. You can love your parents, children, friends, and pets all in different ways. Forgiving a child is easy. Getting over a friend’s mistake, I think, is easier than a spouse too. I suspect it is because they become a part of us and we project the same expectations we have of ourselves onto them. If your situation has continued for years, he does not appear to giving you, himself, or your marriage the respect that it deserves. Does he refuse getting help? I can only imagine your pain.

    • Dorothy

      Heartbroken-He keeps talking about getting help,but no action.It is getting through to me how little he respects me and our marriage.He has said my life isn’t so bad. He is here, he thinks showing up is the same as commitment. alot of lip service. always saying he is sorry. The hard part for me is I’ve been with him since I am 18.Keep hoping it can be saved.It’s hard for me to give up,but the pain and insecurity is overwhelming.I am in therapy now, hoping to get my head clear to make clear minded desicions.

    • missy

      I was married at 19. I was a child but of course didn’t think so. I am finally divorcing after 25 years of mental abuse. You are being mentally abused. You are not a child any more. I am sure you are a wonderful, intelligent person who is worth being respected. Your ‘man’, and I use the term lightly because he is not showing behaviors of a man but a selfish child, doesn’t deserve a loyal person like you! Do not be afraid, get rid of him and get your own life!!! It is better to love yourself than love someone who doesn’t love you back!!!

    • michael

      Heartbroken… She hasn’t said she didn’t want to go. But we had to cancel a session a month ago because of one of our kids activities. She said she would reschedule it. Then when I asked she said she thought I was going to. And said she would then. That was a month ago, so now its been 6 weeks that we haven’t gone. I actually missed a call last week from the therapist and I am thinking of setting up a time for me to see her. And if my wife wants to go, so be it. Update on the show she works at. I went with her after all. While picking up the badges, the lady at the desk said there were 4. It made me courious so I started to grab the packet and she pulled it away from me. Turns out she had registered him at the show and was going to hide it from me. So what does that tell me. I understand that she registered it before I found out. Not a problem. But my problem is she was going to hide it from me. Instead of just telling me and moving on. It wouldn’t have hurt if she just told me instead of trying to hide it. Hiding things from me is what got us in this mess. Stupid thing said “I didn’t want you to get mad” Any thoughts?

    • Heartbroken

      Michael – Good for you for going with your wife on that trip. I’ve been reading a lot about transparency in a relationship following an affair. I hear ‘I didn’t want you to get mad’ and ‘I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have’ a lot so this may just be the blind leading the blind…it would be really interesting to hear input from others who are going through what we are now too…but, for what it is worth, anything with-held, particularly if you ask about it, is not transparent. It is perpetuating a lack of trust that can not begin to rebuild until there is complete and total honesty…even if the honesty hurts. You have joint ownership in your marriage. At this point, I think I would pick up the phone and schedule a meeting with the therapist. If she won’t go, at least you can go along to share recent events and ask for the best course of action. A friend of mine offered me an insightful question last night that I might pass along to you…if you were on your death bed, would you want her to be the last person you saw in your lifetime? Would she answer the same? If so, then I think there is hope if you both are willing to work toward the same goal.

    • michael

      Heartbroken…. My answer to that question is Yes. Even with what has and is happening. Of course I would want to see my children but it last person would have to be her. So I could look at her beautiful face and with what I have left tell her I had a good life. And that I’d be waiting for her. This question touches me deeply because I watched a good man pass away who loved his wife with the same conviction. Although he and his wife had done, and gone though, much worse in their lives. He still loved her dearly and she was by his side when he passed away. You can’t get any days back but you can make the ones you have mean something to you and the ones you love.

    • Dorothy

      Missy, Thanks for your words of encouragement.As each day goes by, the decision to end it is coming into focus. Saw a lawyer today. Unfortunately, can’t afford him.

      • aida

        But guys …. in retrospect i think that my husband is pretty comfortable about having girls around. in the early days b4 marriage he used to call a friend of mine on thr telephone – “just friends” and have hour long phone calls.

        i had a baaad feeling about that.

        then he had a good buddy who had an extramarital relationship – and when we were newlyweds the friends Filipino girlfrend came banging on the door askong for his friend… aparently the friend had been going to his OW’s place before going home to his wife… and then said friend disappeared. went back to his hometown… and my own husband said he didnt tell his friend that infidelity is wrong because “i feel my friends should be given freedom to live life the way he wants to.”

        when i found a romantic card tp my husband sent by his OW, he said the card was from a guy friend who loved to play jokes”. i mean — come on — guys wont be caught dead buying such romantic cards. i didnt believe him …

        when, in 2010, i was told about his alleged affair(s), i told him i was leaving. he gave me a long roundabout story of about how people at work were slandering him and that he had enemies who were jealous of him – he even quoted the name of one girl who apparently had the hots for him and she was spreading malicious rumours about him becoz he would not return her feelings.

        in 2011, i went on a biz trip to London, he brought his OW to my house – and interacted with kids. told kids not to tell me.

        when i found out, he had the gall to defend himself and said i didnt respect him, didnt treasure him. i applied for Divorce – went to counseling. first counseling session got delayed. he challenged me to find alternative date in same month… he said that it was because I had asked for the divorce.

        when we got to the counselor – he said to keep file open but that he wasnt so easily going to utter the word divorce. because aida is an orphan… boo hoo …where woukd she go?


    • Dave

      I’ve heard all of the above from my wife of 9 years who I discovered was having an affair over the last 6 years, although she had only seen him 3 times in that time, text, MSN, facebook messages & contact was daily with an old friend (he was and is still married) some extra comments she said that made me laugh :
      “I needed someone to talk to ” after she found out the pregnancy test was negative, this was 6 days after I left home to go to Iraq as we had tried for our first baby before I left.
      “He never made me orgasm”, so that’s alright then (Very heavy Sarcasm)
      “It was only oral” so does that make it not an affair (More sarcasm)
      Still after 1 and half years i fin dit hard to trust her, get images out of my mind etc.
      My wife has been to counselling on her own as I’m still oversea’s and she has found out why she did it, I’ve had 2 sessions on my own when at home but still can’t forget it or forgive her.

      • Doug

        Hi Dave, and welcome. Those are some tough statements to take from your spouse I’m sure. I imagine it makes it even tougher since you’re overseas. Building the trust can be difficult, but some how you need to regain it and learn to forgive her and move on with improving your marriage.

      • Jeremy

        Time to move on brother. Take some time to get your head right. Try to get some confidence back. Let me know if you figure out how to do that. Sounds like you are living in hell. Doesnt matter why she did it or how far it went. Jesus man, she only blew him? Come on Brother, dump her and then work on moving on. Let her be someone else’s problem. Dumping her won’t make you feel much better, if at all at first but eventually you will find your way of dealing with what has been done so unfairly to you. Good luck man.

    • stephen

      @michael: I have heard this one several times this year, only without the maybe.

      “Maybe I should leave and work on this myself so I stop hurting you”

      • Linda

        Stephen, I’m sure that you are aware that is probably not a wise thing to do if you want to work on your marriage.

    • theresa

      Short and bitter:

      “She wasn’t even pretty.”

      Someone from the past, while we were dating,
      “She was way out of my league”, (so you settled for me)

      “After all, beauty is only skin deep”


      • Linda

        Thanks Theresa. Good additions to the list. I especially think the “…out of my league” one was stupid!

    • Terri

      I agree completely. It is called invasion of the husband snatchers. The affair person is not my real husband–he is like a mindless, infatuated, foolish, stubborn, etc…I think you see what I think. First, let me tell you the worst part, is I see this, kids, friends, everybody else can see this irrational behavior except for the H & OW. Why because they want to believe the fantasy, the connection(not necessarily sexual) that is a need that was being met. In my situation, it was financial, not being domestic enough, being selfish, not nice enough, not attentive, being overly emotional…according to my husband. Really nothing that dramatic or that was worse than normally in our marriage, UNTIL he started his thing and I felt a distance, meanness, disconnect, even though I was lied to when asked. We are going through a divorce–it is one month after he told me and about 6 weeks since we separated. I know this new relationship will not last–or go past what it is right now. He is allowed to make the biggest mistake of his life–because I spent a month trying to talk him out of it. Does not work. I am backing off–but remaining friendly, encouraging interaction with the kids, meeting a few of his needs that I WANT to meet. This helps me because going cold turkey no more of him–would be like me quitting smoking(or worse). This is just how I need to deal with letting him go–gradually. Even though the OW tracks his every move, texts, calls, has spies, etc…because she is so insecure and jealous of me. She lives a long distance away–her problem not mine. One reason it will never work. Sometimes I think that is why it has been so attractive to my H–it is so complicated it is bound to fail. He has already back-tracked from yes I am moving there–to it won’t be til later-I may never move to where she is. A divorce is going to protect me financially and emotionally while he is pondering. I am not gonna wait long. No guarantees if he gives her up on his own–that I will still be available. We are both okay with that. So maybe some day the aliens will switch the pod with my real husband and we will have a much better marriage as a result of this very rude wake up call. If not–looking and feeling good on my part will be the best revenge.

      • Linda

        Terri, Thanks for the comment and welcome. You seem to be doing everything right. One day the affair will die on it’s own. Good luck.

      • Annie

        Oh yes Terri , exactly!! good luck, and I am in the same boat, by the way. Also waiting…but not too long.

    • Kate

      Over the past few months as I have read more blogs and forums about infidelity, I am amazed at how the “script” seems to be the same for just about every situation. The details may differ greatly, but the cheater says the exact same lines every time. It’s truly unreal how many times I’ve read these lines and heard them in my husband’s voice in my head because he made the exact same (word for word) statements as all the rest!

      And of course, the cheater always thinks “It’s different for us… This isn’t like all those other people who are having affairs…” When clearly, they are all just the same delusional fogheads. 😛

    • Donna

      Oh dear, reading these posts just make me chuckle.. and feel so sad too. As Kate said, these OM/OW are so scripted. I have got from my hubby.. “She is just like a sister to me” (so you would have sex with your sister huh?)
      “She understands me, you don’t” or “we are just not on the same page anymore”.

      What is with these people. My hubby says he is not like any typical Adulterer and there fore it is wrong of me to put him the same box. Yes, situations are different, but there lingo and illogical thinking is all very much the same. I think they must have all read the same dialogue book.

    • Holly

      All these comments and the blog have been a real gift to me. My husband has been involved in emotional affairs for several years now. I have felt for years that he couldn’t handle me sharing myself and he’s even told me so. I also realized he did share some of himself with other women friends and didn’t put two and two together until the past week. He is now involved in a “sexual exploration” in order to “become who he genuinely is”. All the rationale lines sound possible, although those have not come out of his mouth. Instead, what I’m hearing are things like: I’ve been the good and faithful husband my whole life, I need to discover my soul in order to give it to you genuinely, I want to see the effect I have as a man on a woman/women, I’m owning it rather than trying to figure it out/blaming you or me, If we’re to be soulmates I have to know and own and have a real genuine free soul to share and it goes on from there. He’s not willing to stop and in fact wants me to find someone to meet my needs and would like to be involved in that exploration. I’m so confused and deeply, deeply sad. I need some perspective – what he is saying IS crazy talk, right? Right? I can’t sort it out anymore.

    • jenn2010

      I’ll add one to the above list: “She’s a good Christian, like us, and “we” would never do anything that would hurt our families.” This was devastating.

    • alycon

      Hi everyone, just read all your posts and what strikes me with a lot of these excuses (and the ones my H offered me in heaps) is the sense of pure superficiality and delusion behind them. We who have been so heinously treated live in the real world. They all live in ‘cloud cuckoo land’.

      My own H came out with the ‘there was never a spark when we met’ line, and the object of his EA was older than me – 50 for crying out loud! Even his best friend pointed out that I was more attractive and asked him if he was ‘on something’. And H’s other friends told him that his behaviour was way out of order and he shouldn’t be treating me like that. As for my in-laws, they said he needed a kick up the rear and he shouldn’t be acting as if he was single when he was married. Not that he listened, being in the height of his delusions and all that.

      Another corker my H came out with – ‘she’s in charge of the TV department and does filming and stuff’. And this is me – AND? SO !?*?!? WHAT? But my H is attracted to ‘glamorous’ professions so obviously he was comparing boring old me with her job. What made it worse was that she openly flirted with my H in front of HER OWN BOYFRIEND!!!!!

      I know this is totally unrelated but I think it illustrates just how little my H values me – our garden needed mowing and I said I was sick of doing it. My H said he can’t do it as he has hay fever; I reminded him that I’m allergic to grass too but I take my medication and get on with it. So he says he’ll get someone in to do it and get the FIL to pay. I refused and said I’ll do it.

      I got home from work an hour ago and guess what? Lawn mown (not by H), a couple of trees pruned (not by H) and I’m ten quid down. So naturally I’m not happy because 1) I earn a pittance and can’t afford to pay gardeners and 2) because the FIL in my humble opinion is leant on way too much by my H.

      So how does my H respond to my displeasure at having my feelings ignored yet again? With ‘I thought you’d be pleased the garden was done.’ This is the man who said he ‘strayed’ because of MY attitude, but I’ve been living with this level of dismissal for 16 years!!!!!!!

      In all honesty, how do you ‘affair proof’ a marriage when one of you constantly undermines the other and brushes away any attempt at input on their part?

    • marina

      i was married for 17 years, more downs than ups, the first day I felt attraction for another man I told my now ex husband straight and in his face, he still hates me for that but I promised to be faithful and I was right until the end of the marriage, so I can’t understand all the lies and the double lives, I wouldn’t even have the courage to come home and look at my children and husband in the eyes, maybe I destroyed a family, but did not destroy it with lies, and i am still badly judge for that, my heart goes for all of you who had to find things in the most horrible way.xoxoxoxo

    • Maggie

      My husband of 21 years has been having an EA with a c0worker, he insists that “they are just friends” andthat because she is 2o years younger than him there is no way she would be interested in anything other than friendship. He is such a fool

    • Vero

      Last week my husband said he wasn’t in love w me anymore. So I asked him. “today you were having a panic attack when you called me from work. Who was the first person you called?” he said, “you were the only person I called!”. I asked, “when you found out about your kidney failure (2wks after DD when we weren’t talking) who was the first person you wanted to tell?” he said, “you”. Then I asked, ” when you have your surgery next month (to remove his kidney) who do you want there?”. “you” he said. I said, “that’s love here (pointing to his head) not here (pointing to his heart).”

    • Anja

      Only just discovered your website, via a post on a “Marriage Sherpa” blog. Thank you so much for being there and for saying all that you do Linda – speaking the truth so openly – as it is.

      Linda, you have no idea how much i was ready to have a good giggle about it all. Your post about the stupid things your spouse says, when having an emotional affair……… Gee, i did not realise there is a universal code of stupid things one can say to dig one’s hole even deeper! Really needed that good belly laugh. Another step toward healing. I know it is very sad, but i am delighted that i can now laugh about it. A year ago it would have made me cry to read it.

      I am so grateful to your site. Also the affair is now over between my husband and the other woman, i go through everything you describe. It all makes sense. I will never be the same. And maybe some of this is a good thing. Some things had to change in myself. But can i ever be that carefree and trusting inner child again?

      Blessings and heart felt wishes to you.

    • StillMrs

      My favorite was always, “because I knew you would get mad.” Forget the fact that I’ve never been jealous, that we have both had friends of the opposite sex, that I would encourage him to go out with friends every so often for guy time. To him, lying to your spouse because she MIGHT get mad, was a perfectly good reason. Sneaking around with his “friend,” instead of bringing her home to be welcomed like all our other friends, made perfect sense because I MIGHT (for the first time ever, & out of the clear blue sky), not approve of their friendship. History & experience, & knowing me as well as he does, didn’t even play into his reasoning. Never min common sense like, “if you have to lie about it, you shouldn’t be doing it.”

    • Mari

      Here are a few:

      From his first EA (didn’t realize it was one until now). That one stopped things as soon as she met me.

      “You will never meet her because she is so gorgeous it will make you insecure”

      From his second EA (going on for the last year). Note that he was acting disgusted with red heads (gingers) because he was not physically attracted to red heads.

      “She is a ginger, overweight and not gorgeous”

      “She isn’t shitty, she is married and has a kid”

      “We are just friends”

      “You owe her” (cause she told him to call me when he first broke up with me and we tried to make a go of it)

      My personal favorite. When he was breaking up with me, right up to the very end “It has nothing to do with her”

      I’m just amazed at his efforts to convince everyone that is sane (sister, father, mother) that I was the problem with the relationship when all of his arguments make no sense.

      God I wish he would find this page, my open up his eyes, but he is too fogged out right now

    • KF

      My husband told me that she was just a friend, she was married, but she was also bi-sexual and more of a lesbian than bi-sexual, so I shouldn’t worry. Oh and when I got upset that she just happened to meet up with him to run at the track, I had hurt her feelings, so he had to console her…..He also asked if he and this girl could run/workout together and maybe I could run/workout with her husband. That way someone would be able to babysit.

    • Laura

      Its been 5 weeks since my husband moved out of the house. He is still in the fog phase, I dont know how much longer hes going to be in it. We’ve been married 12 yrs.but i would like to add other stupid comments I have heard from my insane husband, may be some of you have heard them before “Its been hell living with you”, “The biggest mistake of my life was marrying you” and of course the most typical of all “Were just friends” what abunch of “Bull”. Not only that , but he has already introduced my 2 year old daughter to the O/W and thinks its perfectly ok and normal that she interact with the O/W,my little one has told me that “Daddy’s friend”as she calls her has said to her that she loves my daughter. This woman is a lunatic she has already robbed my husband and now trying to rob my daughter as well?My little girl is already having a hard time dealing with the fact that mommy and daddy arent toghether anymore and then this .My husband doesnt know all the damage he has done to our family. He has started blaming everything on me, to justify what he is doing, he has said to me that he knows what hes doing is wrong and is ashamed,but does it anyway. The day he moved out he told me he wasnt sure if he still loved me, and wasnt sure what he felt for the O/W that he needed time and space to sort out his feelings. just 3 weeks before D-Day he had told family and friends how much he loved me and we were planing to have our second child. I cannot comprehend how someone can love you one day and hate you the next,he has said to me that he DOES NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE.Ive seen anger towards me in his eyes. I think he sees me as his enemy right now, because I have tried to tell him what hes doing is wrong, it just makes things worse, he wont hear any of it and gets defensive. I hope he comes out of the fog soon enough to realize that he is throwing away his familly and marriage for someone and something that is not worth it. I hope its not TOO LATE for him when that happens.I am glad to have found this site it has helped me alot and to see that I am not the only one going through this.thanks for all your comments!

      • Notoverit

        Please read the blogs and responses about working on yourself. If I were you I would once again make myself the confident, intelligent women that you are. You are much more appealing if you don’t act like you give a sh*t. Let him have his OW and let him know that you don’t care (I know, you really do but there is something obtuse about the way these CSs think – Wow, look what I just gave up). That is, if you really want him back. If not, do the same with the goal of getting on with your life after divorce. And go see a lawyer NOW about the child visitation issue (even if you are sure if there will be a divorce – he has left the house and you have a duty to protect your child). It is clear that he needs ground rules about dealing with your two-year-old in this mess he made. Sorry, having a bad day and not feeling very generous.

        • Laura

          Please read the blogs and responses about working on yourself. If I were you I would once again make myself the confident, intelligent women that you are. You are much more appealing if you don’t act like you give a sh*t. Let him have his OW and let him know that you don’t care (I know, you really do but there is something obtuse about the way these CSs think – Wow, look what I just gave up). That is, if you really want him back. If not, do the same with the goal of getting on with your life after divorce. And go see a lawyer NOW about the child visitation issue (even if you are sure if there will be a divorce – he has left the house and you have a duty to protect your child). It is clear that he needs ground rules about dealing with your two-year-old in this mess he made. Sorry, having a bad day and not feeling very generous.

      • Melvin

        Hi Laura,

        Is there anyone else in his life that can apply pressure to what he is doing to you and your marriage? I wonder if you can solicit a family member of his to talk to him about his wrong doings, or maybe a close friend. He needs a good wakeup call and possibly someone he respects outside of your marriage might be able to help.

        Best to you in your struggle.

      • toddlermom

        Laura i think our stories might be somewhat similiar just wondering how long your husband has been involved in his affair? My story is under the discussion section … How did u catch your cheating spouse.

    • Notoverit

      Sorry meant to say “…unsure about a divorce…”

    • toddlermom

      I would like to add after ten years my hubby says whats the big deal we have never really loved each other.. WHAT????? ten years and no love…. what a putz…I honestly wish they could just hear themselves..

    • Laura

      Please read the blogs and responses about working on yourself. If I were you I would once again make myself the confident, intelligent women that you are. You are much more appealing if you don’t act like you give a sh*t. Let him have his OW and let him know that you don’t care (I know, you really do but there is something obtuse about the way these CSs think – Wow, look what I just gave up). That is, if you really want him back. If not, do the same with the goal of getting on with your life after divorce. And go see a lawyer NOW about the child visitation issue (even if you are sure if there will be a divorce – he has left the house and you have a duty to protect your child). It is clear that he needs ground rules about dealing with your two-year-old in this mess he made. Sorry, having a bad day and not feeling very generous.

      Please read the blogs and responses about working on yourself. If I were you I would once again make myself the confident, intelligent women that you are. You are much more appealing if you don’t act like you give a sh*t. Let him have his OW and let him know that you don’t care (I know, you really do but there is something obtuse about the way these CSs think – Wow, look what I just gave up). That is, if you really want him back. If not, do the same with the goal of getting on with your life after divorce. And go see a lawyer NOW about the child visitation issue (even if you are sure if there will be a divorce – he has left the house and you have a duty to protect your child). It is clear that he needs ground rules about dealing with your two-year-old in this mess he made. Sorry, having a bad day and not feeling very generous.

    • Laura

      Notoverit: thanks for your advice,I have begun working on myself to be more confident. I am trying to lose weight(more than I have lost since I found out about the affair because I wouldnt eat)I am trying so hard not to show him that it kills me that hes having his affair,but anger takes over and we end up arguing,yelling and hurting each other. I will take on your advice and act like Idont give a sh*t. I still love him I have told him this many times since D-Day,but he doesnt believe me and says thats the reason our marriage ended because he felt I didnt love him anymore,Ididnt support him,made him feel unapreciated and yes I have to admit I didnt do things he asked me to change so that our marriage could be stronger. I so much regret not doing the things I should have done when he asked me to. Since I had my daughter we got into an everyday routine the passion just ran out on my part ,sometimes I felt like I didnt love him any more, I got depressed and didnt do anything about it. I feel partly responsible for not trying to make our marriage work, he only sees my faults, not his, it takes 2 people for a marriage to work or not work. I also made the mistake of letting him go by himself to the club, he loves to dance and I dont,yes i would occasionally go with him. He met the O/W at the club, I trusted him 100% and he abused that trust. Sometimes I feel all this is my fault, that I drove him to do what he did. It hurts so much. Unfortunately all this had to happen for me to realize that I still love him very much. And yes I am looking for a lawyer to get legal advice on child visitation, for now I gave him an ultimatum that he is to see his daughter as long as shes not around or close to the O/W. He has agreed to this but says that he sees no harm and why the O/w shouldnt be near my daughter, hes such an idiot and only thinks about himself,hes already caused so much damage in such a short period of time and continues on doing so. I just want my daughter to be okay in every way possible. As for me Iam trying so hard to get on with my life , its not easy,somedays I feel like running away from all of this, but when I look at my daugher she gives me the strenghth to go on.

      • Notoverit

        I am so sorry you are having to go through all this Laura. Yes, I think we all didn’t work on the marriage like we have since learned we are supposed to. But you didn’t make him make his choices. Like I told my husband, if you were so stressed and wanted something new, why didn’t you just leave me? What was so okay about sneaking around hiding what you were doing then coming home to me? You should have just left. But they didn’t and I think that is what hurts – they kept the OW and still, lying, came home to us.

        I know about the anger and the yelling but I have since learned that it does no good. The anger comes from the hurt. I wanted to hurt him as badly as I was hurt. Doesn’t change anything. So, try to act like you don’t care (I have bitten a hole in the side of my cheek to keep from tearing into my H sometimes). Show him the woman you are: smart, self-assured (even if you secretly want to curl up into a ball and hide); and stop trying to make him see how much you love him. Just take care of yourself and your daughter. I have been practicing thinking of something else when I start the obsessing roller coaster. You have to break the cycle yourself. It’s hard but work on it. If he comes to his senses (and really sees the OW for the bitch she is – who goes after a married man with a two-year old except a bitch? Sorry, a little dig there. LOL), he will realize you are the person he should be with because YOU LOVE HIM. Just don’t push. I think we all try to push and make them realize things before they are ready to deal with the mess they made. That is the hardest thing to do. Backing off does work so give it a try. And get s therapist to rant and rave to! Let us all know how you are doing!

    • Laura

      Hi Melvin!There have been family and friends trying to get some sense into my husband but he wont listen.Its like talking to a wall. I dont know what has to happen for him to wake up!Hes acting so irrational,hes not the person I was living with 5 weeks ago,the mature,loving husband and father he was before D-Day

      • Lea

        Hi Laura!
        I’m in the same boat as you. I could hear almost my story. Only thing i can say is focuse on yourself! After the dday, my h was another person. My guess is that by revealing A the process accelerates. Until he moved out he said all the stupid things above and more: “finally he sees the light at the end of the tunnel!” my thought is train called ow is coming to derail him. Joke aside, after 3 weeks he moved back in and the whole week he stayed he was sorry for ruining ow’s innocent life for breaking up with her. And he complained he knows he loves our kids, but doesn’t feel anything. He moved out again. I told him no contact for 1 week, and i won’t let him see kids, because they were traumatized after each his visit. After 2 weeks he came fjnally to visit us, and i could see how much he missed us! And yesterday(after 4 weeks of moving out second time) he said that he loves me and kids, and it cannot be erased.
        So laura be strong if you want your h and family back! I’m with you in there, just hang on!

    • Hurt&Insensed

      It is unbelievable that my usually insightful and intelligent husband felt adamant that his ‘temporary psychosis’ was infectious and that I would actually believe the bo***x he told me:

      “she was helping me with the problems in our marriage” (having just come out of her second marriage to an alcoholic who spent all her money and her first marriage where her husband cheated on her and left!?)

      “she wouldn’t say a bad word about anyone” (but apparently she would shag a man in her community, whose family she knows and who’s kids do sport together!!?)

      “We are just friends and only kissed on one occasion and we both knew it was wrong” (so the sex on skype, on the local beach and at her house was ok, but the kiss was inappropriate?!!)

      “she tried to help me look at our relationship positively” (since found out that was thru comments like (‘marriages never survive affairs’!!)

      The biggest learning for me is that as the ‘betrayed’ we feel we have been lied to and deceived but seriously, we are the only ones who have maintained honesty and authenticity in ourselves. The cheaters meanwhile, have had to lie to us, themselves and the OW, and the OW has actually been selling an image that is a total lie too! I am sure when this OW’s marriages were at breakdown point, they would have found me to be an outstanding replacement for her; had I been an unscrupulous marriage vulture!!

      I think I am in a fortunate position (Jury’s still out) that my husband is absolutely mortified by his behaviour and feels embarrassed and humiliated by what he became in his affair. He has been doing everything he can to repair the damage he has done and he recognises that his comments at different times were pathetic and only served the purpose of maintaining denial about what he was doing.

    • Laura

      Hi toddler mom! I read your story and you are right,our stories are similar. I am sorry to hear youre going through hell with your husbands affair. I hope your husband realizes all the damage he has done to you and your son as well. Your son is so young just like my daughter to be going through this emotional mess our husbands have created. I hope your husband and mine snap out of their fantasy soon enough for our families sake. My husbands affair started sept. 13 2011(a day before our wedding anniversary)The O/W phones calls started pouring in. But I actually found out oct. 14. Good Luck Toddlermom! stay in touch to see how your husbands affair ends up. Which Iam sure wont last. Best Wishes for you and your son!!!

    • Laura

      Hi Lea! thanks for your support. I am glad your husband came home to you and your kids, I hope he works hard to regain your trust. I think it wont be easy for the two of you, but not impossible if you love each other. I hope my husband comes out of his fantasy world, but for now I dont think hes coming home. Makes me sad. But like you said I have to be strong and focuse on myself whether he comes home or not. Good Luck Lea!!

      • lea

        Hi Laura,

        I wish he comes back. No, he just comes to visit us on saturdays. The only good thing is the fog i guess is clearing a bit, if he realizes that he loves us. The rest we will see. Just taking each day as it comes.

        Be strong!

    • Laura

      Its almost going to be 2 months since my husband moved out of the house so he could have the freedom to have his affair full blown. I have tried to limit all type of contact with him,except by phone or text. The only reason I do it is because he comes home to pick up my 2 yr old daughter. He now wants to see her. Shes happy to see him too. I have backed off , so he can do whatever in hell he wants with his life, that has worked because the arguments and yelling have decreased. Of course I would like for him to come home, but for now that is not a possibility.Hes still in the fog. Just yesterday he left his truck in my driveway so the windshield could be replaced. I was nice enough to do this for him(or stupid). I got in the truck to look for insurance papers and guess what I found? A picture of the O/W. And shes not all that. Shes older, somewhere in the mid 40’s. My husband is 33.Shes not even that pretty. But not only that I also found condoms. Nice uh…what an a**hole. I was shocked, I didnt even cry, I just started shaking.Its like he deliberately wanted me to see evidence of his romance. I know shes not better than me in any way. Because I am a woman with integrity,values and principles and shes a homewrecker. It upsets me that my husband expects me to treat him nicely, like nothing bad happened, he wants us to act like we are best friends. Sorry I cannot do that right now. May be someday,when I have healed. He still doesnt realize all the damage he has caused. It has been up and downs.Somedays I feel good, somedays I feel sad and depressed. I have started Zumba classes,that helps a lot with the stress. I am slowly starting to work on myself to boost my self esteem. (Since I have always had low self esteem) I love and miss my husband very much!!!! I am going to take one day at a time. I want to get better and get rid of all the negative feelings I have.

    • Laura

      I have just read the post: “The lack of “Real Love” is the cause of infidelity”. It says that if you dont make your spouse “feel loved” he/she will likely be unfaithful, they go looking for what is missing in their marriage. Thats exactly what happened to me. I ignored my husbands cries for love, support,understanding. I just didnt care, didnt do anything about it. I was selfish. Thats the reason hes having an affair. I know the affair was his choice. But I feel regret, because I feel in part responsible. If I had worked on my marriage when I needed to. We wouldnt be where we are now. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TIL IS GONE. Cant change things now. But nevertheless, it hurts like a stabbing knife on my heart. I needed to share these thoughts with you readers. I am crying again,

    • Scott

      Thank you so much for this site. I am 5 days past D-day. Feeling horrible, can’t eat, sleep, or concentrate. I stubled on this site and have been reading for hours. It makes me feel better knowing I am not going crazy. I have heard all of the same excuses and reasons I see posted here. Never even thought about it as an addiction but it makes so much sence. I don’t know that we will be able to save the marriage but I think I am willing to put in some effort. Thanks again!

      • Doug

        Hey Scott, Welcome. So sorry for what you’re going through. There are some really great and helpful folks on here, so don’t be shy about asking the opinions of others. Take care.

    • aida

      Hi, wanna hear some interesting Disloyal Blabber? if i asked “Do you have any feelings at all for me?”, Answer “You know how we have been for the past 7 years”.
      When I said, “Ok, you guys go ahead, I’m getting out of here coz I will just walk away from this”. Her response to him (after >7 years of chasing after him night and day, day and night), “I think you and Aida (that’s me), should not get a divorce”. To which Hubby beautifully reply “we have no chemistry so it’s hard”, This is the same guy who grew sad every time i had volunteered to walk off before whenever i found that he had a girlfriend.. he went off on unexplained weekends ~ texting her later “I feel all troubles disappear when I am with you”. Yeah, the ‘troubles’ of keeping the home running with two kids, etc, etc. was literally managed by yours faithfully. sometimes i wonder if would have had the freedom to go for his ‘illicit weekends’ if i weren’t able to literally be on hand to handle the home front. It would have been really weird, and he might sound like this “Oh i can’t go this weekend, honey, i have to manage the kids extra-curricular activities, and do the groceries. and the other household stuff.”
      what really was funny was when some of my family weren’t able to come to my sister’s wedding and he could still express anger at that “Humph! is that the value of FAMILY?” – well i guess he had the right to say that since he hadn’t left the family as yet, but had only checked out of the MARRIAGE. does that sound like affair fog babble to you?

    • rachel


      Many of these statements were said by my husband. So glad this is on the blog today. I had to laugh at some of them because they are so ridiculous, but classic comments I see by the w/s. Why is it that they all act the same way, say the same thing. I know he didn’t go on a blog to see “how do I act when I’m having my e/a”?
      Also, how did you get through trigger moments/days? I felt one yesterday and am still somewhat feeling withdrawn from him by my own choice. It is early for my I’m at 5 months from d-day and I’m having feelings of “how could you”?
      Thank you, love the site!

      • Jamie

        I’m 8 months out of D-Day. I still feel that way. It’s getting better. But only because I decided the other day that I don’t care anymore. What I mean is; he loved me, he chose me; he made our child with me…and if he wants his old lifestyle back where he doesn’t have the responsibilites of being a good father, good partner, and a faithful husband; I’ll survive. It’ll hurt. But I’ll survive.
        In the meantime, I’ve started looking for a job in my profession; that I gave up for this family 18 months ago; I’ve hired a personal trainer; I’m committed to making heads turn (even if it’s not my H’s head turning, because I want to feel sexy again); I reenrolled in my college courses and I’m looking for a didatic/rotation schedule so that I can continue on with my OWN personal goals; ya know why??? Because I CAN…and because I DESERVE to respect myself.
        I didn’t do this to our marriage/partnership and I have had many opportunities; like all married couples, I chose not to be a CS because I love my H..heart and soul.
        The bottom line is…I’m mad as hell..and I’m very very hurt. But, I’m not gonna take it anymore…so I’m making myself happy FIRST, from today on. It’s kind of a decision you have to make alone…it’s a conclusion you eventually get to; once the ultimate/immediate pain has passed. I promise you…you’ll get there. And secondly, try to remember this….”confidence in yourself is attractive”.

        If you’re reconciling and committed, your CS isn’t going anywhere if you decide to make yourself the priority; instead of dwell on the hurt an pain. I totally understand where you’re at. I’m there too…I just decided, like last week, I’m not doing this to myself anymore; because I DIDN’T “do this”.

        • Doug

          Jamie, every BS should follow your lead. It is time to think of yourself and do what is best for you. When I was at the beginning stages as you are, I envisioned myself doing all of these things, however somehow I lacked confidence and the fear of losing Doug. So I remained stuck, allowing myself to succumb to the pain and effects of the affair. It is something that I wished I would have done. I cannot stress enough how important it is for the BS to focus on themselves and stop trying to control the outcome of the cheater’s betrayal. Linda

      • Doug

        Rachel, the triggers that you experience are normal and expected. The most important thing for you to do is not beat yourself up for having them. Except them, tell yourself that you are having them so you can learn more about yourself and the affair. I learned that my triggers were a result of something that was missing in our relationship. I needed Doug’s help to deal with them and also accept them. When Doug learned what I needed when I had them, the triggers decreased.

        They are there for a reason, so learn from them and then try to move on. I made a plan so I knew how to handle the constant triggers. First I would tell myself it OK, don’t try to reject them, sometimes I would journal my thoughts, then I would tell myself that I am only going to dwell on this for the next five minutes. Finally I would do something that I enjoy. If they still bothered me than I would calmly talk to Doug about it. Linda

      • aida


        hi. how have you been? i dunno if you remember me?

        i wanted to just say that I had a session (2nd) with psychiatrist yesterday, – i was so close to ending my own life last week after he told the counselor that his feelings towards me had been growing (negatively) like a cancer for years…. (a fact which somehow was kind of, sort of, perhaps mentioned to me NEVER!!!!!!!)

        what was funny though, was when he told the counselor (i) we should know what the roles and responsibilities of the husband and the wife are – so there was no need to re-hash the entire story from the start….he wanted to know if the CORE / FUNDAMENTAL issue could be settled (but he did not elaborate on what that CORE was….WAS IT THAT I NEGLECTED HIM, or THAT HE DID NOT TRUST ME ….well, he did complain about my neglect of him and how i was SUPPOSED to know how to treat a husband i.e. thro’ his tummy; and how he had so badly needed someone to talk to and so he could not just come home (where he was neglected in the 1st place, mind you). he HAD to spend the time outside, of course HE COULD NOT POSSIBLY GO ALONE, (GOD forbid that a 40 year old man should be ALONE). and so in that emptiness he (conveniently) found someone to listen to him talking about his job (well, because his job is so stressful, of course…. and of course mine wasn’t ~~~~ oh, who on earth would have a more stressful job than his, I wonder?).


        (ii) and that he was worried that if we divorced, I would have no one to take care of me since I am an orphan. (i honestly went “Huh?” = i am 44 years old with two children, I hold a job and have a little bit of money in the bank. At home he hardly talks to me and blames me for everything….he won’t be intimate with me. at the moment, he hardly gives me the time of day, and he worries that no one will take care of me? What am I – a family heirloom that people are too fond of to throw away but holding too many memories to be thrown away?)

    • Jamie

      My H’s retarded comment to me was…(7 weeks post pardum; when I opened his phone and found explicit photos and ongoing texts for the last 6-8 weeks previous)…
      “I was trying to get you back.”
      I was pregnant…not gone. And he is selfish; especially after talking to me about how enduring the last uncomfortable stages of pregnancy, temporaily and making sure to tell me that “things will get back to normal’, (including our sex life) ” very soon”.

      Instead, he starts dating some woman?? Some stranger, who stroked his ego and paid attention to him while I obviously wasn’t “being myself”…well NO SHIT. I had never been pregnant before. And I sacrificed every single personal thing I had, for this family and our daughter to be last semester of clinical rotation; my degree; my autonomy, a job, my body…
      …but he was “trying to get me back”…what a load of crap.

      I honestly would love some sort of explaination from a CS, on this site; if they had said this to their BS…because that thought process is totally lost on me.

    • Rachel

      Thank you, I’m doing ok. Trying now tonwork on our marriage. Sometimes I wonder of he is really doing it or just doing it so when it doesn’t work he can say oh well I tried. Similar story to yours , my husband is now saying he’s been unhappy with me for 20 years out of the 24. I told him to just leave then. You know who I am what I’m about that’s me I’m not changing there’s the door just go. We will be fine (me and our two boys).
      Instead he has to give it a try and he is trying.
      I feel that we have grown apart for two years. Las year being when he looked her up in feb. 2011 when he turned 50. Misses his youth , ya well who doesn’t! I miss when I didn’t have deep lines on my face from worrying and being destroyed from what he has done to me by his mid life crisis.
      We have to remember that this is their problem not ours! Don’t you dare go negative on me. Our lives are very important to us and others. They are the ones with the problem. They are the ones who are unhappy with themselves. They need to work on themselves, not us ending our lives! Our children need US! When my husband wouldn’t leave because it’s his house, I told our 16 year old that I would be leaving and he looked at me and said no don’t! I will never forget the pain in his eyes. I will never leave my kids! Funny they were fine when their father said he was going to leave.
      So you got that Aida? We aren’t going any where! We are too important! We are good stuff!
      I expect to hear from you at least once a week on this blog, because you know I’m always on here giving some type of comment or asking Doug or Linda for advise.
      Take care, Aida. Have a great day!
      If you can try to switch therapists. I did and it made a world of difference. This one is so helpful.

      • aida


        i feel / see your pain & rage – so clearly! oh my dear rachel, i feel so sorry that you have had to endure this. I must admit that I too have been very close with the children and they are quietly resenting their dad right now. the older one is in his 13th year – so he tends to be a bit short with his dad sometimes – but i cover it up by saying that yeah, it’s probably coz he getting into that rebellious teenage phase. I didn’t want him to get into trouble with his Dad.

        the younger one (9 years old) – haha – has told me that he needs to write an essay about “My Family Holiday” for school. He INSISTS that he will write about that time he went to the beach with Mummy and older brother. (and…in his mind, it’s to hell with that story about the FAMILY trip to China which Daddy paid for. He even refused to write about the family trip the family took to Sabah…..”I didn’t really have that great a time there, anyway!”).

        That’s really bad, though, isn’t it? did i do that to them? did i manipulate them so much that they turned into monsters? Am i projecting my pain onto them? I do not free myself from all blame.


        anyway, the “I don’t love my wife anymore” is one of the most common lies married men tell apart from “We’re only in the marriage for the children.”

        This is all trash, if he is really a good father as he is trying to imply, then he should be at home, trying to be a good role model to his children and making things right with his children’s mother.


        However, i just wanted to share that in our response : if we are faced with these stupid remarks, I wanted to pass this message straight from my heart.

        Here’s what I’m praying: ‘Lord, help me live in humble submission and immediate obedience’.

        The oppressors have the anger and the displeasure of God.

        And realize that the one who has oppressed you has oppressed himself more. For it is that person who will have to stand in front of God on the Day of Judgment and have his oppression accounted for, if he is not of those who have repented. So on that Day, he will be his own greatest victims.

        Pray for those who hurt you. Pray for those who do not accept you. Love them for the sake of God. Pray that they realize their wrongs before they face their Lord.

    • aida

      things to tell self when AFFAIR BLABBER is directed to you :

      (a) lying is self-defeating.

      (b) lying is degrading… the liar : do they even know how ridiculous they sound right now?

      (c) when they are alone, i wonder if they look at themselves in the mirror and think “what a lowlife scum i am!!!”. if they don’t, they may have some shred of hope. if they don’t have any shred of shame, it’s narcissism (hahaha) and remember : GOD is watching and GOD doesn’t like liars.

      so…..if that’s the case……

      who is the real winner?

    • Troy

      Here’s another one for the list:

      My wife told me recently that she is in love with “him,” but still loves me. She actually said “Don’t be so closed minded – I am capable of loving you both at the same time. It doesn’t have to be one or the other!”

      This just blew my mind. I mean, I get it, there are most certainly people out there who are into that sort of thing. But I had no idea that I was married to one. In fact, I don’t think that I was, until this affair. Far be it from me to critique someone else’s choice of lifestyle, but I’m no polygamist, and don’t plan on sharing my wife with anyone. Not even “just” emotionally.

      • CookieMomster

        That’s what I told my husband, Troy. I DON’T SHARE!!!!! The most hurtful part of his emotional affair was that he was giving her exactly what was missing in our marriage…. emotional connection! When I discovered what was going on the biggest pain came from realizing that what they were sharing was what I had been craving these past few years from him. How do we convince these spouses they really are doing wrong?!?!?!

        • aida

          hi Cookie Momster : i feel ya! I was puzzled about that in my case too. it seemed insane that he would be able to unload his innermost fears and thoughts to an outsider when I had been there all along.

          and if didn’t think that he was able to talk to me, then I MUST BE DEFICIENT! I must be inadequate! I must be not good enough!!! something must be so wrong with me that i cant even attend to my husband’s basic needs – i mean, how stupid can i be?

          and the best part of it was when he dumped the entire blame on me…..100% OF IT.
          remember that old saying though, “the more you want to prove that he’s wrong, the more wrong he is going to be” ?

          So my honest answer to your question : HOW DO WE CONVINCE THESE SPOUSES THEY REALLY ARE DOING WRONG? my honest opinion is – DON’T FORCE IT.

          I have been at both ends : I’ve been the angry, vengeful spouse, and i have been the hurting victim. but i wasn’t happy in either situations.

          the more i try to convince him that i had been wrongly victimised, the more he felt guilty – and the more he felt guilty, the more defensive he became. he ultimately rejected me and blamed me for the rejection.

          If i FORCED him to change, it’d be like trying to break down plywood with a sledgehammer. You’d break the wood but it will never be repaired again in case you ever need it in the future. If i FORCED him to change, it would seem like i have no class.

          I’d be miserable.

          If i cajoled him into thinking that I was going to change, to be a better listener ….. he would say “Pah! ONLY NOW you change? What a manipulative person!”

          someone told me that i was in a vicious cycle and it was never-ending. I was giving negativity in return for his negativity.

          So, instead of giving him manure, I am passing him flowers instead.

          I play religious CDs at home : readings from the Holy Quran, etc.

          I decided to invest in things i enjoyed like Japanese homes and gardens, cook books, and dabbling in badminton. I watch the simplistic 60’s comedies like Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie. I try not to force change. I remain polite. I drop him a line or two asking him about his day, but I ignore the crease lines that are forming on his forehead. I make no mention of the message alerts that come on his phone at 12 midnight. I make no notice of the pissed off faces he makes when i glide in late from work.

          Later this weekend i am going to buy some nice home dresses. and play sports with my kids. and turn off my mobile.

          in my world, i make the rules.

          you can do that for yourself too.

          let’s try it together.

          • aida

            Cookie Momster, apart from the above,

            the next step is to learn how sales people indirectly make you change your mind. Sales persons have a ‘knack’ of finding your soft spot. I imagine us as the sales persons trying to convince the prospect (i.e. the WS) to buy from us.

            So this is my story about HOW SALES PERSONNEL MAKE THEIR SALES PITCH WORK :

            by Fear of Rejection is Bogus! | Jeffrey Gitomer | Sales Tools

            imagine if you were a sales person

            THE MYTH IS: Salespeople don’t like to cold call because they fear rejection. Hey Sparky, salespeople don’t like to cold call because it sucks and it’s a waste of time!

            THE TRUTH IS: Salespeople aren’t in fear. (Except maybe of their abusive bosses or proposed “changes” in their comp plan.) They’re vibrant people who make the economy run. “Nothing happens until somebody sells something,” said Red Motley in 1946.

            Fear of rejection and its evil twin fear of failure are best described as excuses. What you’re looking for, as a would-be successful salesperson, are reasons and answers why a sale does not take place.

            So, what (other than fear) are the 10.5 reasons rejection takes place? And how can you decrease your rejection rate? Wouldn’t you rather have those answers? Read on…

            1. Lack of attitude. Not just lack of a positive or a YES! Attitude, but also the lack of a winning attitude. You need to carry a copy of The Little Engine That Could on your iPad or Kindle and read it every morning.

            2. Lack of preparation in terms of the customer. You may know what you offer, but you may NOT know what the customer wants, or (more importantly) why he wants it.

            3. Lack of belief. Belief is the most important and most complex, yet least understood emotion in the science of selling. Belief is broken down into five parts.

            Part 1: You have to believe you work for the greatest company in the world.
            Part 2: You have to believe that your products and service offerings are the greatest in the world.
            Part 3: You have to believe you can differentiate yourself from the competitor in a manner that the customer perceives as valuable.
            Part 4: You have to believe you’re a great salesperson capable of transferring a message and understanding customer needs.
            Part 5: You have to believe that the customer is better off having purchased from you. Not believing it in your head. Rather, believing it in your heart. Belief is both painfully obvious and completely ignored when teaching salespeople how to be successful.

            4. Lack of sales skills. Since most companies provide poor sales training, it’s the responsibility of the salesperson to gain their own knowledge by investing in books, seminars, online courses, and all other means to gain sales wisdom, not just sales knowledge. CAUTION: Do not learn a “system” of selling. Sell in a way that makes you feel comfortable.

            5. Lack of personal self-confidence. Self-confidence and preparation go hand-in-hand. It’s amazing to me that salespeople think they’re nervous when actually they’re just unprepared.

            6. Lack of resilience. This is a key element in the rejection-failure syndrome. Resilience is your inner strength to react to what happens to you, your outer strength and mental strength to respond to what happens to you, and all your strength to recover from what happens to you. Building resilience wipes away fear.

            7. Lack of personal pride in your work. Lack of attention to detail. Consistent lateness. Missed appointments. Cynical comments. Need I say more?

            8. Lack of personal pride in yourself. Most people take more pride in their favorite sports team than they do in their career. This will be a direct reflection of the pride that you have in yourself and your performance. Think back to the time you made your biggest sale, and recall that memory and that feeling each time you’re in a sales presentation.

            9. Limiting self-thought. (I’m not good enough.) Most self-thought comes from the negative side, worried about what might happen versus dedicating yourself to changing the outcome. If you walk into the sale believing it probably won’t happen, or you probably won’t get it, than you’re probably correct. If you want to change your outcomes, you have to change your thinking.

            10. Low self-esteem. Someone told you that you’re not that good, or not that smart, and you (like a fool) believed them.

            10.5 Limited self-image. You don’t consider yourself equal to the buyer, or good enough to sell the buyer. EXAMPLE: Stockbrokers talking to people of enormous wealth. Car salespeople trying to sell a car they can’t afford to buy themselves.

            Fear of rejection? Totally false.
            Fear of failure? Equally false.

            People that espouse these false fears – avoid them.

        • Rachel

          Cookie monster,
          YOU SAID IT!!!!! That is exactly how I felt. How I would have loved to have gone to lunches with my H and shared many text messages (too many to count) during the day.
          “It was a rekindle from 30 years ago”. I was 30 years ago when she dumped you!!!!! I would have loved to talk about the old days when we just met and dated and life was so easy without, aging parents, college bills, children etc. etc.
          Aida, I too was blamed for the loss of emotional connection. Something that he felt he had to find with that , disease.

    • aida

      the blame is of coz very unfair. most of the time i feel frustrated that he acts completely ‘normal’ – no sense of remorse esp in front of company. since i dont really have a high tolerance for such things i end up wanting to puke when he does that. but i pride myself on being an avid reader so i read up a lot about infidelity as well as other non related stuff like sales psychology

    • Rachel

      I feel the same way, Aida. I’ll be puking tomorrow when his mother giggles at his jokes and when she puts him up on that pedistal of hers telling us all how wonderful he is. BARF!

      • aida mahmud

        one thing i don’t understand though – is how their brain works.

        they say the marriage is so bad, and that they are in it only for the kids.

        they say they were angry because you didn’t make them feel special.

        they say ‘you were always busy’. which was prob true.

        so how come they didn’t step up to the plate to do more to increase the romantic-o-meter?

        • aida

          in Islam – we are suposed to forgive – the prophet never condoned lying – but he always forgave.

        • Tired

          Aida they don’t step up to the plate because the problems, while they may be real, were never bad enough for them to say anything. They were happy enough. It is only when an affair opportunity comes up that they suddenly realise they have been unhappy for years, lol. They need to rewrite history in order to excuse and justify their disgraceful and cruel behaviour.

    • aida

      hey guys, i know i said that we should forgive – please pardon me if i just take a minute to say this AGAIN :

      what really bugs me most of all, is that they seem to pick fights with the BS – and they seem to feel much better after ‘justifying’ their affairs thro’ random put-downs, some of which are not even justifiable.

      i really wonder if they ever think about what they doing. one of my husband’s fave is “you can’t give me what i want”.

      and of coz, the classic : I thought that after i came back from (the overseas attachment), i wanted to focus on my family and forget what I was used to before i went, but when i returned i found that it was the same (i.e. our marriage was the same, and how I treated him was the same), so ….”

      and when I asked him “what was it that you were used to before you left,” he just shook his head.

      little did i know that he was used to the girl treating him all special.

      no wonder he used to pepper his statements with “you can’t give me what i want!” – totally out of the blue.

      this wasn’t the first time this has happened. during his first relationship that I knew about – i found telephone messages – and he told me “oh, that’s the real estate agent who is interested in me, but I didn’t take the bait”. Oh yea baby! two/three weeks later, i found out it was his colleague. when i confronted him about the ongoing messages – in 2004, he said “after that (screaming) session with you, i don’t really care where i put the phone”. he failed to justify how, if he really didn’t care, that the messages from the same girl were still incoming until year 2011.

      and the most recent one was when he told the marriage counselor “I take care never to utter the word “I Divorce You” “- because in Islam the husband can say that to formalise the divorce, in fact he must say that in order to formalise the divorce.

      and he said a bunch of other things to the counselor (who = incidentally – was totally unfit and unprepared).

      For those of you who are undergoing the first EA, my sympathies with you and hope you will recover.

      to those of you, like me, who have been round this type of betrayal too many times, my CHALLENGE TO YOU IS ‘LET’S CHANGE THE GAME’. Power to us.

    • Traci

      What I heard was She’s just a VERY good friend! I said well why didnt him an I ever hang out with her an her husband! An why didnt you tell me you were talking to her eight times a day! O an he said she was happily married! What a crock, so thats why she needed to speak to you eight times a day!

    • gizfield

      Whoever said “”There is nothing new under the sun” sure knew what they were talking about. My first husband was an alcoholic and I read tons of books on that. They, too, think their stories are unique, but what is pathetic is they are so similar they just blur into one. My personal favorite is whe n adulterers try to convince you what”good morals” their affair partner has. Now that is classic! They are only trying to convince themselves cause theyare a package deal, one can’t be trashwithout the other beingtrash as well.

    • CookieMomster

      How about stupid things said after an affair? My husband keeps saying “I hate texting”, following that up with the excuse that the “tone” never comes through and that can start trouble that was never intended. He doesn’t realize the pain that this one little comment causes me. I don’t say it out loud for fear of ruining what may have been a good day, so far, but in my mind I’m going “Really? You hate texting? You sure loved it at one time…. up to 100 times a day!!!” He is aware, because I told him, that I was able to retrieve his deleted texts and I think that he’s subtly trying to tell me that I didn’t understand the “tone” of the texts. I’m trying to see how that would make “Wish you were here!” and and answer of “I wish I were too!!” into something less hurtful. I don’t even want to go into the ones that were obviously about me… but you get what I mean.

    • rhg

      cookiemomster: How were you able to retrieve his deleted texts? Can you pls share? There were literally thousands during the months of h’s EA w/the OW.
      I’ve thought about forensic cell phone stuff, but don’t know about the cost, how much time it would take, do I really want to know more of them, etc.
      I was able to get record of dates/times of texts going back 3 months. That was devastating enough – knowing what what was going on in ‘real life’ when he was texting OW. As soon as he could in the am & last thing he could at night…..not to mention phone calls, IMs, & actual visits. There’s even one set of texts he had while were on a weekend get-away as a family to try to reconnect as a family after his almost died from a pulmonary embolism. While me & our daughter were asleep in the hotel room – him texting/IMing the OW not 10 feet away from him. Yeah, & he texted her/phoned her like crazy from his hospital bed during his hospitalization from the pulmonary embolism, too. Makes me want to puke. I think one of the hardest things is knowing when he got the diagnosis of embolism, he called her 1st. Not his wife of more than 19 years, the OW. Like a knife in my soul. I struggle to believe I’ll ever recover from this. Amazingly, we are now connecting on all levels (physically, emotionally, spiritually) like never before. He says he’s 110% committed to us, will never do anything like this again. There are so many highs & lows…….how do you survive? How do I get through the lows & focus on the positives? My faith in Christ has definitely helped, but there’s still such a long way to go……

      So, back to the original question after all the rambling: is there a reliable way to undelete deleted (thousands) texts from several months ago?

    • Cookiemomster

      rhg, Sounds like you and I have an awful lot in common… with the emphasis on “awful”. It’s a slippery slope once you start going after information with technology. It’s not inexpensive, but I was willing to pay money to see what had been going on. In my case, my husband used an Apple iPhone and I was able to retrieve the messages with the help of a $160 gadget called an iPhone Spy Stick. If you Google you can find these easily and I got one off of ebay and then sold it on ebay once I got all the information there was to get, thus getting pretty much all my money back. Having said that, I’m not really sure you want to do this. I know very well the need for details, especially when hubby won’t admit to things, but I can also tell you that even though you have every right to this information you’re likely to regret the sleepless nights it will cause you. You’ll find in some of the forums, especially “Does It Ever Really Go Away?” that there is nothing that is going to take our pain away, there is nothing that is going to “explain away” the betrayal that we experienced and there is nothing that is going to save us from having to carry this burden for the rest of our lives. Everything you describe (except a hospital stay) happened to me too. My husband texted with his OW while I was sitting right next to him. They were both real estate agents and had the opportunity to meet together in luxurious empty homes. I guess that saved money on luxurious hotel suites, but I think you know that doesn’t help anything at all. Chances are good that if any time has passed and your husband has backed up his phone more than once since ending the EA, that there may not even be any texts to recover. This I promise you though. Knowing will absolutely wear you out! If your work on putting things back together is progressing I suggest you think long and hard about this. I would definitely be willing to correspond with you any time as, like I said, we’re both in a very similar boat.

    • stunnedwife

      Holy Cr*p Linda!! My husband is the exact same guy as yours! Except his girlfriend lives in another state – where he travels on business. He said SO MANY of the same things!! I found out a month ago.

      One month.

      So much pain in one month. But the more I learn, the more I think my husband is some sort of mid-life cliche come to life. I am so very happy that I have this site to get through.

      (1421 texts between them in a 3.5 week period at the height of their relationship. During “Quarter End” for his sales job. I’m not allowed to disturb him during Quarter End, he will call in the evening to say good night to me and the girls. But he found time for her. Including 41 pictures. He sent her over 20 pictures. Not counting our wedding album? I don’t have 20 pictures of him in the last 14 years. Man this sucks.)

    • CJ

      OK, several years of posts that I can’t read because computer is in the kitchen and my children are all around. What about his response of “don’t you want me to be happy?” A little bit of background….husband is a pilot….seldom here….noticed a distancing about a year ago….caught “I love you” messages on his cell phone. He has freedom, to quote him “Your life is not supposed to change just because I’m home”…so no help, no relief from the day to day crap. He has the freedom to seek solace elsewhere…meanwhile I’m doing Christmas, dinner for kids, birthdays, after school coordination with other moms, and taking on a full time job to pay for college education. What else can I do? Yet, it is not enough. He sucks as a husband/partner. Hmmm…. forgot to mention I’m the 3rd wife and he won’t ever divorce me…keeping up appearances? Someone hit me with a brick…..or him…

    • MM

      More stupid things she said:

      Site after site – she is running a scripted play…

      “its not like I had a love-child with him” Its not the end of the world” – “Get over it!”
      “We are just friends.” I found out how “Good-a-friend” she was…
      “I was just looking for a little happiness…”
      “I was teaching him a Buddist chant,” response to why were you 2 – in our bedroom until early hours of the morning,
      “you know – for his depression!”
      Same delusional story of lies even after a year!

    • theresa

      Better and better
      HE got a book from the library on understanding the male perspective in troubled relationships. I was not encouraged. I think he feels that the simple act of borrowing, buying, surfing for information shows his commitment to heal the relationships. He skims the text. Latching on to the first label or excuse or justification that causes him the least discomfort. The end.
      No discussion. He orders up from the Chinese food menu the tools he will use. For a short time. Then back to status quo.
      There were two good ones in the last round.
      1. He can’t discuss. That’s just how I am made up.
      2. Why did he do it? Wait….wait…

      He wanted to be adventuresome.
      The end.

      Me. WHY?
      Him. I wanted to be adventuresome

      • Strengthrequired

        Omg Theresa, lol.
        He is just choosing words out of a book, because he can’t explain it himself, so of course that sounds about right, I must have been looking for adventure. That’s works.. Ohhh dear.

    • Christine

      Check, check and check!!! I’ve heard every one of these and continue to be amazed (and a little relieved) that the CS’s are all so much alike and not as unique and they’d like to believe! That last one was a doosy, especially for my H because he says it now after having a full PA with his “friend” and how she is now “helping” him with us. Wow…

      • Strengthrequired

        Christine, isn’t it amazing how the ow, seems to be helping our spouses with our marriages. Lol.
        If that’s what they call help, I hate to see what not helping our marriage does.

    • Gizfield

      My husband’s girlfriend was “helping” with our marriage too. He said she “liked” him being married to me, that I was “good for him”. Which is kind of in conflict with the “you’re the fat, lazy bitch who’s ruining his life” story. Who knew, lol?

      • Strengthrequired

        Hey giz, they have to start somewhere, support the wife, while secretly manipulating the husband into thinking they are helping until we turn into the evil wife.

        • Strengthrequired

          Ohh and biz, we may be the fat ugly lazy wife (in her eyes) it’s better then being a dirty home wrecking tramp. Lol

    • Gizfield

      SR, I think the whole secrecy/lies combo is exactly what makes these “friendships” so dangerous. A real friend would give honest feedback, like I dont see how Strength could be lazy, she has six kids. Or Giz, she has a full time job and total responsibility for a preschooler. Or the real kicker, if it’s so bad why dont you LEAVE? Cause it’s their mutual pathetic secret ego boost, no basis in reality whatsoever. And, yes, who wants to be someones secret Tramp anyway??

    • CookieMomster

      After two years I continue to say, and agree with you, Giz, SR, Christine, et al, that the STUPIDEST thing said after an affair by either the CS or the OW/M is that the OW/M was helping the CS with their marital problems and thereby helping the BS also. Any talk of the EA is now “off limits” in our home, but it’s just as well because I know this absolutely insane comment would come up again if the wound was reopened. Basically, all the BS has to do is examine how much effort he/she put into keeping the relationship a secret and ALL of the comments and excuses listed in this conversation are revealed for what they really are…. stupid, stupid, STUPID!!!

    • Arian44

      How about “she is a nice person”
      How can a nice person destroy ma family. Like you he wouldn’t stop the interaction, he lied about it for another month until just before Christmas I found out more messages and he told me he didn’t want to be living with me (and our kids) anymore. He talked, I cried until we agreed to couples counselling. This agreement was followed immediately by him texting her “I owe it to her to try, it isnot your fault I have stopped loving her”
      For months, he was non stop on his phone, laptop, staying out late and never answering my questions. His aggression, insults then started. Nothing I did was good enough, think of any insults I was on the receiving end of them. Situation was not getting better because of ME apparently I wasnot giving him space, how could I when the trust was gone? He was sent away with work long term and 2 Wks prior to that I gave him a ultimatum be civil or leave. He left:no look back for the kids.
      He’s now back for couple of Wks, I have seen him and I am so angry at the lack of answer and his hatred former cannot deal with him.he saw the kids4days (which I arranged) nowhere said he’s away with the lads although his mistress (I phoned her workplace) is also on holidays with exactly the same dates.
      I am exhausted and destroyed by all of this and cannot go on anymore with this pain and always wondering what the truth is. Please comment and help. My family is away and I feel his are condemning his behaviour no one is helping me getting to the truth

    • fightingback

      last summer my wife of 15years was contacted by a college friend, the OM, who is married and lives about 3 hrs away. I knew they had had a fling before we dated, when he was engaged to his now wife, but an EA or PA was the last thing on my mind. For 6 months I was utterly oblivious to multiple warning signs given of by her. She obsessed with teasing him and bring funny for him and generally trying to get his attention. He went on a family vacation in August oversees and she got the Viber app to text him. She expressed remorse when the OM ignored her emails and texts and then her mood zoomed when he reciprocated. Again I was clueless. Looking back we were in a vulnerable spot. I was working mandatory OT on night shift and she worked bankers hours and we often went days at a time not seeing each other never mind sleeping in the same bed. Sex was infrequent and she often complained we were just roommates. Running our house, juggling 3 kids and our careers left zero time for us as a couple. The late night cell calls and texts began exactly on the date my mandatory OT kicked in.
      In October the OM confessed to my CS he had been arrested in the spring time for drunk driving. His 3rd arrest in 8 years for the same thing. The OM was facing jail time and possible termination from his job. I was outraged. Her response was “do not judge him” and bizarrely she told me to not discuss the OMs arrest history around our kids, like it was a secret. The arrest made the news eventually because of the OMs employment. My wife said she needed to support the OM and “be his friend”. I wondered why she needed to do that in place of his wife, who stood by him all the way. My CS expressed remorse she had lost touch with the OM and believed if she was in touch with him then he would never have been arrested (fantasy land I know).
      Things came to a head when I noticed her texting him via Viber and hiding her phone from me as i came in the room. I noticed her talking non stop about him and it just clicked in me that there might be a problem. I checked her phone and discovered they planned to have a PA when she visited his city for our child’s school field trip. I was crushed and confused. I did not confront her with my evidence but I told her the EA needed to stop. Since telling her this she’s repeated numbers 1, 2, and 4… “our friendship has made me a better wife” and “you would have fun talking to him” and “We are so alike it isn’t funny.” I would add two more stupid things people say in an EA : she claims sole authority to criticize him. I can’t say an ill word about him either to her or my kids. AFTER telling her to stop the EA she said if I kept on accusing her of being in an EA it would push her into a real PA (manipulation). She turned it around on me accusing me of “putting her through hell”. She deleted evidence off her viber history (fortunately I have screen shots)
      I thought My CS would back off. She admitted she “got wrapped up in the OMs drama” and she stopped talking about him. The OMs arrest situation was coming to a conclusion with him pleading guilty and going to jail recently. Unfortunately I was still naive. (I only found this site 24 hrs ago…what a blessing but I digress) My CS had a late night texting session with the OM the day before he pleaded guilty and went to jail and reading her “I love you Xo” message after their X rated texting session just confirmed more direct action was required. She told the OM about how she had wanted to be with him since last summer….just killed me inside. I confronted the OM via text right before he went to jail and told him to stop the relationship and to forget their hookup plans. He offered zero apology but he said “consider it done”. I’m taking steps to verify his sincerity once he gets out.
      To hear my wife and best friend say these things… like “I’m a better wife for you thanks to him” just makes me wish I’d sent him a thank you note ….NOT. TO hear her excuse her texting behavior with the straw man of “you text so and so and so and so too” I offer my phone to her to see the contents but she refuses to read it and not surprisingly she doesn’t reciprocate.. I will confront her with my evidence when I think the time is right and be prepared for her $hit storm. I’m not going to make her change, she’ll have to do it on her own. But I will not be a door mat any longer. For those who’s marriages survive this type of situation and maybe even strengthen…. you are my hope and inspiration. The last 24 hrs have been an education, from learning what the acronyms EA, PA, OW, OM etc mean.. to being saddened and inspired by others male and female. Wish us luck.

    • TryingHard

      I’ve never seen this post but I seriously almost threw up. All those words I black and white.

      Yes all the above and #2 was the most laughable. It is still incredulous he said this to me. I get stupid but this one is beyond stupid. How do seemingly intelligent people ever even utter these words?

    • Rachel

      Cause they are stupid, trying hard.
      They have their other person in their life. And as my ex told his sister, ” a love like no other”.
      “love”????? Are you kidding?
      My older son told me that my ex wants me back!!!
      He’s still stupid!!!! And I am very smart!

    • Millie

      Mine said ‘did I want to meet her’ !! Before he left I got the ‘I’m unhappy’ ‘ I don’t love you anymore’ .

      He is now living with her…idiot

    • theresa

      So, she was helping our marriage?
      So,what was her advice?

    • Tanya

      These are funny. I heard a lot of these as well including she was “helping” him and she “understands me.” The other woman in my case was a very cunning manipulator. They were coworkers and he would always tell me things she said at work. They were always very inappropriate things. This was before anything happened between them but she was laying the ground work. Our fertility issues had also come out at work after my husband spoke to his boss. So of course she started getting him to talk about that with her. Soon the female coworker started asking us to go out with a few of the girls from work. This is when I first met her. Nothing was going on then, but I didn’t like the way she interacted with my husband. She was fawning and flattering and too touchy feely. I told my husband what I thought she was up to, but of course he dismissed it as me being jealous and silly. A few months later he has an emotional breakdown and look who was there to ‘help’ him. She was laying a trap and waiting for a time to pounce. Even now he doesn’t really see the manipulation that occurred, and this annoys me. Another thing that angered me was that when all this came out he started talking like a person I had never seen before. I now realise he was parroting her opinions!

    • Tired

      I just thought of another couple of stupid things said.

      “She thought she could make me happier.”

      “She said you’ll never trust me again.”

      Why was he even allowing this brainless waste of space to have an opinion on my marriage? Why did this brainless waste of space think she was an expert on my marriage? Go figure.

    • Hurt & In Despair

      Hello, I just ran across this site and realize that the above article was written several years ago. I recently returned from my 9th deployment in the Middle East and will soon retire from the military. I noticed immediately that my wife was distant and had no interest in spending time with me as I try to re-integrate with my family. Several weeks later I caught her red-handed leaving a restaurant with a man that I’ve been friends with for seven years and had lived in our old neighborhood. He is married has two kids and his wife is one of my wife’s best friends. My wife was honest with me and told me that she had been having an affair with this gentleman since around a month after my departure in July 2017. I was hurt and heartbroken. We have been married for 15 1/2 years and in those years both my wife and I have committed infidelity in our marriage. In the past I would talk to girls on the Internet but didn’t meet them and eventually after my wife slept on me with another man during a deployment, I seemed revenge by having my first physical affair. Some years later again I drifted from the marriage and had a three-year non-emotional affair with a woman in another state. Looking back now I realize that some of the issues I was having was I felt unappreciated and loved in our marriage and I was also dealing with trauma that I experience while deployed. My wife admitted to me that she was in love with this man and to this day she tells me that she thinks about him all the time although they have not had contact since their affair was discovered. I’m struggling right now because I realize my past actions were not excusable, something that has been tearing me apart for years. I have not even so much as looked at another woman in the last five years but I’ve been very depressed very angry and very unhappy in my life. I’ve told her since I discovered her affair that I still love her and that I cherish our family and I’m trying every day to show her that I would like to go forward and rebuild our marriage. She has agreed to individual counseling and I am also in counseling for a variety of issues. My hope is that we can find a way to start and rebuild this marriage but right now she’s so distant from me. It hurts but I truly believe that our marriage can be saved but that it’s going to take time. She has agreed not to make any major life changes for now but I’m not sure how I can live in a house with someone who give their heart and everything else to another person. I’m in such deep despair.

      • TryingHard

        Hi Hurt– First of all thank you for your service. Seven tours??? Yikes. You have my utmost gratitude.

        Gosh just reading your story exhausted me 🙂 So you cheated, she cheated, seven tours, forgiveness, reconciliation…. WOW you life sure isn’t dull!

        I think you both have done so much damage to your marriage that maybe just maybe you two can start from scratch and maybe make a relationship work!! There sure can’t be any victim in this scenario because you both are guilty of the same thing. There’s no misunderstanding or misconstruing or how could you have done this to me statement because you were both doing the same thing. LOL this is crazy 🙂

        I think if you are both willing to stop acting on your carnal impulses and whims , you just may be able to construct an adult relationship that is built on mutual respect and healthy boundaries. If not I hope you both go your separate ways and find much happiness.

    • Hurt & In Despair

      Trying, you are absolutely correct. It’s been nearly 6 years since I was discovered to have had an affair and I have changed completely since then. I’ve had zero urges to drift from my marriage and have no plans to in the future. Because of my past indiscretions, I have hated myself immensely, so much so that compounded with my PTSD and the guilt from seeing/doing things that go against my beliefs, I have been in a deep depression for several years. During those years, I’ve been miserable, angry and a hard person to love or be with. I feel this enormous feeling that my depression drove her to him. He knew my wife was lonely, depressed in my abscence and tired of the deployments and distance. He prayed on her at her most vulnerable time. You are right that we both share the blame. I live with that daily. We are still talking, she is still at the house although I’ve been with a guy friend for 2 weeks now. She still wears her wedding band which I find odd considering she stated she loved this guy. She has agreed to individual concealing, I’m currently going, and hope to do couples therapy to lay it all out once and for all. We will decide then if this is savable. An update for all, apparently he told his wife 3 days ago and when she approached my wife she stated that he said he loved my wife more than he ever loved his current spouse! As for now, there is no contact, although there is zero way I would know. I spoke to him again and he told me he would let her go. I’m fighting to save my family and will do so until the end.

    • TryingHard

      Hurt–ok and I am sure there’s lots going on with you personally. You must understand that YOU did NOTHING to “drive” you wife to cheat and vice versa. We are not that powerful. You cannot make anyone do anything.

      Being a military wife is a hard gig! I’m a military brat so I know. I feel for so many of these young women marrying young soldiers going off for deployment. Did you know the military used to only accept bachelors? And this is part of the reason. That said I’m pretty sure she knew what she was getting herself into and if she didn’t well I know there’s lots of professional support out there for the wives whose husbands are deployed. So her bad she didn’t seek out help and instead acted on her base instincts to sleep with your buddy. Makes no difference if he went after her or not, she could have and should have said no. But yes bad on him for pursuing her.

      Looks like you have lots of issues to deal with and not just your and your wife’s infidelity. My heart breaks for you. Neither you nor she should have to suffer this way. You both made very very bad choices for your marriage. I know it happens TONS in the military especially now that the military is “coed” for lack of a better term. And I am def NOT saying women don’t belong in the military but gee it sure makes a very difficult situation (going off to defend our country in a very hostile environment) even harder (there’s always someone there to offer comfort). UGH. When you see the top brass succumb to affairs it’s not a stretch to understand that lower ranks will succumb too.

      I hope you can make your marriage work but I have to be honest you have lots of healing to do personally and attack reconciliation?? I’ll tell you there is no way I could have done reconciliation after my husband cheated on me if I were in your shoes. It has been torture and while I/we are in a very good place now there are still days I want to run as far from him as quickly as I can.

      I don’t know. I hope I’ve helped because as I said I feel for both of you. Plus I have a soft spot for military people having had a military wife for a mother and a soldier husband, who fought in three wars, for a father. I hope you find peace and healing. I hope you access all the VA/military benefits you can while you can. I hope you don’t do anything stupid to jeopardize your rank or commission or career. I hope you get help for your PTSD first and foremost and then maybe see if the base has a marriage counselor you both can go to. But first things first and your mental health and well being comes first in this my friend.

    • Pearl

      “one” of the stupid things my H said after D-day was “I thought you would grieve forever” regarding the death of our 14 year old daughter a year before this affair started. (probably less than a year – it became physical 14 months after her death)

    • TryingHard

      Oh my gosh Pearl i am so so sorry the loss of your daughter. And yes i believe i would grieve forever. I’m sorry you husband made such a sad choice for a coping mechanism during that time. Hugs to you

    • HoldingOn

      I had comments soon after DDay like; ‘I’m not trying to take away from our marriage but add to it,’ she’s such a wonderful person you see, we can all benefit from her presence in our lives. H – ‘Maybe we should go to marriage guidance ..’ Me – ‘yes I think that’s a good idea,’ H – ‘err, no, I meant OW & me, to see if we’ll be compatible together long term’. Jaw drop.

    • Eleri

      6 months post DDay and I’m still struggling with the stupid things said. My husband started his affair less than 2 months after my father died suddenly. He’s since been diagnosed with emotional dysregulation and is being treated. But the stupid things hurt even more as I was agrieving wife with a very young family. Most upsetting he said when he oddly started working late and taking trips away with work (he’d always been proud to be a devoted family man who hated being taken away from us all) ‘I think family has held me back in life. I’ve missed out on opportunities and now it’s my turn. My time to concentrate on me and my career’. It was like hearing a stranger speaks as I cried and begged him not to leave me alone so soon after loosing my dad. My mum had pts from failing to revive my dad and my husband said she was ‘selfish’ that she was ruining our marriage and needed to sort herself out. He said it was my fault. We had nothing in common anymore. I cared more for my mum than him. I was piggy in the middle and had a 10 month old baby too. It’s all those millions of stupid things that are still so painful now. The realisation that whilst he was saying them watching me crumble. He was deserting me to have 5 minutes of fun and ‘escapism’. I couldn’t escape though. I was living the nightmare

    • HoldingOn

      Eleri, I empathise with you. I’m 10 months past DDay & he is no further on in decision making. Like you he began his affair (EA at the start) while my Dad was dying (my mum died the year before) Life had been challenging for several years & both of us had withdrawn into ourselves to cope. He now wonders if he will be ‘happier’ living a more nomadic life (between Home, OW, work, outdoor adventures) thus avoiding the mundanities of Home life that he finds so challenging. Kids are just getting to the age of being more independent but he’s now made a bond elsewhere that totally blocks our complete reconnection. ‘I love that she loves me, why would I want to end that?’ ‘I have to look ahead to retirement (20 years away!) as I think she may be more excited by adventurous sports than you.’ ‘If I see her with someone else in 2 years time I won’t like it.’ ‘How will you be better off if you divorce me & move house etc?’ (He wants everything to stay the same at home) ‘ ‘the kids will be ok, how well they adjust depends on how well you (that’s me!) deal with things.’ ‘We both (H & OW) know what the right thing to do is, we just don’t want to do it.’ ‘We’ll make it work.’
      It all feels so naive, unfair & selfish & so out of character. Very, very hard to keep being hopeful & positive but while I can still see hope & a future together (we’re doing really well despite it all) I am not prepared to call time & then be reminded that it was me that ended things.

    • Hopeful


      I am six months in from d-day. He had a casual thing going for two weeks, hoping for sex. When they became emotionally attached, he wanted an open marriage with her, so he confessed. Told me how he loves her and how good she made him feel and it wouls be good for our marriage and me as she and I could be good friends. Apparently she reminded him of me ’cause we are so a like ( really???). It just completely broke me, and he was very surprised at my reaction. After forcing it for two weeks I agreed to at least meet her (already made up my mind of who and what she is and meeting her confirmed it. Very desperate, insecure, but acts all tough and confident). After running into her the following day and seeing their googly eyes for each other, I just cracked. I completely unloaded on him and his bullshit. Told him to choose because I wasn’t gonna join in their shit show and devalue myself. So it was up to him, leave or stay, I just didn’t give a fuck anymore. Went to bed, next morning had a good heart to heart and he decided to end it with her. Told him to give up all contact or it’s off. He did that. Took him a while to get over his fantasy high. We had a few couples sessions. I have single ones to help me with the trauma. He really regrets what he did. We both owned up to our mistakes that lead to our marriage being vulnerable. He is working really hard to mend our relationship and build a stronger one, says no one could ever replace what we share. I am much better than I was but the things he said still haunts me now and than. Made me feel as if was fully responsible for this and that I just wasn’t enough. I know now that not to be true, as I am putting myself back together, aiming to be even beter ( for myself). Told her I was going through ‘something’ and that she could help me, that he never experienced anything like this..blah blah blah. Stupid ass. They really are not themselves. They are on ‘feel good hormones or chemicals’. But we are working hard and going strong. Things are good most of the time and ‘in love’ again, sort off…

    • Hopeful

      Oh, and by the way, they hadn’t slept together yet, but after telling me about her and not agreeing to what he wanted, he went and spend the night with her. But according to them it wasn’t supposed to happen, it juat did (what load of horse…)
      And I was supposed to believe that. I am laughing at it now because it’s just so stupid.

    • CannotUnderstand

      “She made me a better person “…..a lying, cheating, alcoholic??? Is better than the responsible, family oriented, hard working man you were.???

    • Michelle

      This was a good article. My person said most of these…the “you would like her” was a gut punch. He also went on to say we could “all be friends!” It has been 6 months since he told me and she still reaches out and he still takes her calls/texts talking of closure and her need to for a soft landing.
      This space you have created helps me feel not alone and not crazy.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.