Infidelity causes intense emotional pain--anger, disbelief, fear, guilt and shame. But an affair doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage.Stupid Things Said While in an Affair
Hello again,
This post may not be appropriate, however sometimes it’s nice to add a little humor when the content is so serious. I did not intend to make fun of Doug or make him look stupid, even though he was! I just think some of the things he said were humorous.
It’s true that when you are married to someone for a while you believe that you know that person pretty well. You know their likes and dislikes and their behavior is fairly predictable. When your spouse is involved in a marital affair all of that goes out the window. I would constantly wonder if someone kidnapped my husband and returned someone who had lost his mind. He would say and do things that were not representative of his behavior and history.
At times I thought I was losing my mind because maybe I really didn’t know him as well as I thought I did. This is why I compiled a list of stupid things Doug said why he was involved in his emotional affair. If your spouse is having an affair I am sure you may have heard some of these. If not, just give it time. I just wanted to let you know that you are not crazy.
1. “She is helping me with our marriage.” I feel so fortunate that Doug was able to find someone who was in an unhappy and deteriorating marriage to help us with our marriage. I know that last year we were reaping the benefits of her advice! (Heavy sarcasm)
2. “You would like her.” You know that if your spouse is involved in an affair you will understand why I choose not to comment on this one. This site is rated PG!
3. “We (Tanya and Doug) don’t believe or agree with marriage counseling.” When I found out about Doug’s affair, I was desperate and didn’t know what to do. So I found a marriage counselor and scheduled an appointment. On the day of our appointment Doug and Tanya had a lot of activity on the phone texting, and talking back and forth. I am sure they were discussing how marriage counseling would not help save our marriage.
4. “We see things the same way; we agree on almost everything.” I guess that is true when you are living in an affair bubble. You may be discussing problems, however you are not living together, facing financial problems, dealing with the demands of children, coping with times your spouse is not being very loving, etc.
5. “Ending the affair was a process.” When I found out about Doug’s affair I wanted him to stop all contact with her. He was unable to do that immediately, even though I was deteriorating both physical and mentally before his eyes. He said it took time, I guess they had to wean themselves from each other, almost like being addicted to a drug. Did I just say addiction? Hmmm.
6. “We have nothing in common anymore.” Of course we don’t. You are so busy living a second life that you really don’t have time to ask me out to lunch, go to a concert or play tennis. And of course it is so easy to talk about what you and your affair partner have in common, though you really don’t have to do any of them.
7. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” What does that mean? That after thirty years together you don’t have that exciting, fresh feeling that we used to have?? That instead you have deep, committed feelings that come with commitment, history, acceptance and honesty?? That it may not produce that tingling feeling you had when you were a teenager (which eventually ends, but with time and effort you experience a much more meaningful kind of love)?
8. “Kids are resilient.” While Doug was involved in the affair, he believed that if our marriage ended our kids would be OK. I knew that if this happened our children would never be the same. Not only would their future be affected, they would have looked at their past as a lie. All the good memories would have been viewed differently and they would have also carried enormous guilt believing that this may have been their fault.
9. “We are just friends.” If you were just friends then why is it that I never met her, and why did you never tell me when you were with her? If you were just friends why was your relationship based on lies and secrets?
There you have it. I’m sure eventually I can come up with many more! When I do, you can be sure I’ll post them here.
Linda
Related posts:
Whatever that is said is indeed happening to me, can I ever recover from these painful memories? Is it worth to save the marriage when the hurt is so deep?
I know that the hurt must be unbearable at times, but you have to really believe that you will get over it. Trust me! Concentrate on yourself and what makes you happy and take it one day at a time. Linda
It feels so good to read what you say and make me feel better. Thank you!
Thank you Mia for the kind words. That is the goal of this blog!
Linda,
I have heard many of those very same things. I can add, that “the other women have not stepped on my toes,” because they are” just friends “only because he is still married and they can’t be involved that way until he is divorced!! If Talking and texting every day and going to lunch without my knowledge isn’t stepping on my toes then I don’t know what is.
We have been married 21 years and he is choosing to throw it all away. He just served me divorce papers because he doesn’t want to be married anymore. He is hanging out at the bars most every night and he is certainly different than when we were together.
Thanks!
I got ‘you’d like her’ too…….. Actually, I’d like her to disappear from the face of the earth.
Wow, I have heard all and still hearing all..I have one for you…”If she says she is sorry for sleeping with me can we all be friends.” or “We can divorce and still be together”. I am on the verge of leaving my husband because he see’s nothing wrong with being her friend, he goes out all the time now, blames me for everything, says we talk to much about it, and it is all about him right now and it feels good and he is happy having a social life outside of me. I am here trying to work on my marriage and he said he wants it but he is not in it his actions show that. I am at a lost and so hurt and said. 16 years together and this is what I get for loving and devoting my life to him.
I heard many of those after 24 years of marriage and I would add: “She gets (understands) me . . . you don’t”. Ouch! It’s so hard to charge neutral but it does pay off. I just looked at my husband like he was having a session of insanity. It doesn’t do any good to argue with a crazy person.
Have you ever noticed that the craziest ppl are the ones who believe that they are the sanest–just ev1 else is crazy or doesn’t understand their parallel universe in FantasyAffairLand. They are so self-deluded that they actually can start rationalizing and justifying to the point WE may even buy into it-Ouch! I keep saying my mantra silently “Stop the madness!, Stop the insanity” and try calm and placate the lunatic. Oh 180, or charging neutral or agreeing with them whatever it at least makes the BS feel saner. Okay here are some stupid quotes in the beginning by my worsehalf:
D-DAY with kids and me after just being told, “She(OW bought a lot of gifts for you guys(my kids), is it okay if I give them to them now??” “She’s so generous”(and has pathetic, poor taste in thinking doing that was right or even decent.
“Don’t you wan’t me to be happy? Don’t I deserve that chance?” said to me and kids.(don’t we all)
“I have already given up the first half or my life–I want to be happy in the second half.”(gee how easy it is to forget all of your 1st half happiness-births of your kids, wedding, etc…)Only a crazy person says this to his wife and kids and thinks it is okay! Direct route instead of implied would have been translated–”Sorry but y’all are a bunch of losers that have ruined my life up until I met this wonderful woman and now I have hope for a happy future away from all of you deadweight/ball and chains. Get it now?
They may try to use pretty sounding(to their ears) words, but they really don’t care what kind of negative impact they have on their loved ones–no remorse, conscience, or empathy. Isn’t that characteristic of a sociopath?
Terri, I think the comment about the giving up the first half of his life has got to be one of the stupidest I’ve heard yet. Thanks for sharing.
Terri, my husband said exactly the same thing about giving up “the best years of his life” for me…. duh, I never put a gun on his hed and asked for it! I then gave him a birthday card thanking him for the years he spent with me, all the more important because it was by choice….
Sorry girls. It not a guy thing it is a personality that some women have to. I just see so many women posting on here I feel like, wow I’m an emotional guy. Maybe if I was more that kind of guy, where would I be today. I am happy to be a strong man and in touch with me. I was brought up in a wonderful home and learned to respect women more than most men do. I hope other men will post on this. But the macho mentality keeps them from looking weak. I get that. I was like that. But this experience has changed my outlook on life.
That being said I wanted to share a couple I’ve heard.
“We were best friends before and we’re just trying to catch up on 18 years we haven’t talked. It’s just so easy to talk to him like before”.
“He is happy we are working on us”
“I haven’t cheated on you. I’ve thought about it. But I wouldn’t do that while we’re together. ”
“Maybe I should leave and work on this myself so I stop hurting you”
Thanks ladies. just had to jump in.
Thank you for your words. I have been hearing many of these words from my wife. She doesn’t want to let go of him.
Hey Tom, Thanks for commenting, and welcome. Sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Many others here are going through the same thing, so feel free to seek advice from those that comment.
Oh yes Michael, I have heard that – “let’s just call it quits so that I can stop hurting you , and you can get on with your life” How wonderfully magnanimous, how wonderfully thoughtful and generous! (Heavy sarcasm in case you did not realise)
it’s been great seeing these comments. so i can relate to what my H would be thinking of me after EA. i also see the comments of that I’ve said to rationalise/minimise my wrong choice and behaviour (ie split up so I can think about what I really want and so I can stop hurting him). ie blaming external factors intead of admitting I was doing the wrong thing and admitting I was unhappy.
coming from the other’s side perspective, yes I was delusional. yes I was making excuses and lying not just to my h but also to myself coz I knew it was wrong and yet I stayed in the situation coz i was caught up in the fantasy especially as it was an ex love from long ago “the one I never got over”. but at the same time it is confusing. it is like a drug, it just mess with your head and defies logic. this is not an excuse just an explaination.
Ah, my dear, have you been listening to my husbands comments to me? You are right, with time the comments that our cheating spouses make becomes light humor. The truly sad part is that they actually expect us to believe them and are hurt when we don’t. The irony doesn’t escape me.
I LOVE what you had to say. Yes, my soon to be ex-husband said a lot of these statements~ especially the one about her helping him with the marriage (and I like your comment, “I feel so fortunate that Doug was able to find someone who was in an unhappy and deteriorating marriage to help us with our marriage. I know that last year we were reaping the benefits of her advice! (Heavy sarcasm)” because his girlfriend/office manager was on marriage # 3 and it too was unhappy and deteriorating) and I heard it a million times that they were “just friends.” UGH! Why do so many people lack bounderies???!!!!!!!
Aah, yes, # 1 another addition. I have heard (on more than 1 occasion), not just that she was helping with our marriage but that SHE had SAVED our marriage – how kind of her!
Add to #9 (We’re just friends) “But she’s so easy to talk to”. Sure she is when all she does is smile and say “Yes” and “I don’t know”. I had to meet her. Never had an opinion of her own, never asked a question, just smiled and looked goo-goo eyed at him and he ate it up. I also got the line–I just can’t stop all contact at once, she will be so upset!!!—but I insisted and his selfish self knew that I was more advantageous to him than his Chinese ego boosting sweetie half his age
After sixteen years of what I thought was a perfect marriage, I caught my wife last summer having an affair with another married man in a motel a few miles from our home. Confronting her within an hour of her leaving, here are a few of the comments that were shared with me:
(Of course, picture these said with a straight face.)
“Who?…I don’t know anyone named ________.”
“Nothing happened.”
“He is happily married…We are just friends…There is nothing to worry about because he lives in another state.”
…and months later…
“He would never leave his family.”
“I met him just to talk and catch up…I honestly didn’t plan on anything physical happening.”
“I promise I’ll never communicate with him again…you can trust me.”
Ultimately, I’ve learned that affairs aren’t initiated gender specific, and that it does truly take two to tango. There can be no perfect life. We are now working to save our marriage, but the hurt still runs deeper than words can explain…
Heartbroken, It’s amazing what is said when someone is confronted in these situations. At least both of you appear to be working on saving your marriage. Good luck to you on your journey!
Heartbroken.. Wow this one struck a nerve with me. When my wife started communications with this “old friend”, I know (e-mail proof) she invited him to a show that she works at in his home town. I’m sure she also talked about meeting up and “catching up” on the years gone by. This show is in another state than ours and she usually goes to them with other people that work the same show. I stay at home with the kids. So now that this show is coming up in the next couple months I get more and more anxious about it.
At first I demanded that I go with. Emails with the people she goes with showed her contempt at me for wanting to go. Than while we worked on her ending the relationship she stated that she wanted to go on her own and TRY not to see him (another stupid thing said). With the encouragement of our counselor she gave in and I am going. And it took weeks before she actually checked on room rates and availability. Maybe the time away from kids and home, even with having to work, will be good for the two of us. Its been a couple of weeks and she still hasn’t rescheduled our meeting with the counselor. Does this say something about her?
Hi, these posts are so interesting! My son just confided in me recently that his wife of only 18 months has been ‘involved’ with a man she had a very brief relationship with 7 years ago (about 2 years prior to meeting my son). It seems she ‘bumped into him’ (of course!), and they went for coffee. Since that fatal moment she also appears to have ‘bumped into him’ in 5 star hotels and spent the night with him. Apparently, (so she told my son), they are ‘like old friends catching up’. She told my son that the ex was still single – at age 50 (she is 29) as he has ‘never been able to find a woman who doesnt have baggage.’ However, she feels that he is The One. My son thinks the ex is just after his wife for a bit of physical activity but she seems to think their ‘love’ has been re-ignited.
My son is definitely charging neutral, telling her she is not to use him as a safety net and that she has some important decisions to make because he is not going to share her with her ex.
Carla, So the fact that your daughter-in-law is married is not baggage to this guy? Amazing! The stupid things said list keeps getting longer! I think your son is handling this situation quite well.
Yes, insane isn’t it? My daughter-in-law only went out with this guy for a month (she exaggerates, so it was probably only a couple of weeks!) around 2003.
He’s also told her that he had to leave his last serious relationship as the woman was a schizophrenic! Just how gullible can someone be? Cant see the relationship going anywhere with this guy but the problem is now the trust is broken in the marriage.
Add to this the fact that daughter in law travels with her job and is often away for two or three days, my son has a lot to deal with.
Wow! I have heard these all of these. But yet I keep trying. He has gone to counseling with me, said it was over, not! He then said he would do a program called Retrovaille. It was painful and soul searching. We were connecting..he seemed to get it and said it was done with her…again not! Now what? He claims he wants to try again, I am exhausted over this…it’s been too many years. Claims no sex, but is “in love”..says loves me more! What is that?!? Not sure what to do. Just very sad and angry. Would have been better if he just took responsibilty and left.
Michael – Are you saying that your wife does not want to continue the counseling? Have you called your counselor for advice on how to handle your specific situation? I read one of your posts on another topic and sense that we are in amazingly similar situations. You should go with her on this trip and she should encourage you to go. Ironically, just two weeks ago, I knew that the my wife’s OP would be in town again on business. (thank God for his work’s website) I elected not to say anything to her, but watch her actions prior to those days. I quietly put in for vacation at work and waited until that first morning to tell her I was going to stay home and help her with the projects and errands she had been talking about doing all week. She should not have known that he was going to be in town unless they were still communicating and she kept asking if there were any other reasons why I was staying home as if she knew. I never admitted to anything other than wanting to be helpful, but felt it was within my right to take a non-confrontational step to protect our marriage. In my mind, your wife should want you to go with her or actively avoid situations where he might be present. I’m very curious, how long ago did you learn of her OP and when can I expect this daily pain and sadness to lessen???
Dorothy – I think love is a complicated topic to define. You can love your parents, children, friends, and pets all in different ways. Forgiving a child is easy. Getting over a friend’s mistake, I think, is easier than a spouse too. I suspect it is because they become a part of us and we project the same expectations we have of ourselves onto them. If your situation has continued for years, he does not appear to giving you, himself, or your marriage the respect that it deserves. Does he refuse getting help? I can only imagine your pain.
Heartbroken-He keeps talking about getting help,but no action.It is getting through to me how little he respects me and our marriage.He has said my life isn’t so bad. He is here, he thinks showing up is the same as commitment. alot of lip service. always saying he is sorry. The hard part for me is I’ve been with him since I am 18.Keep hoping it can be saved.It’s hard for me to give up,but the pain and insecurity is overwhelming.I am in therapy now, hoping to get my head clear to make clear minded desicions.
Dorothy,
I was married at 19. I was a child but of course didn’t think so. I am finally divorcing after 25 years of mental abuse. You are being mentally abused. You are not a child any more. I am sure you are a wonderful, intelligent person who is worth being respected. Your ‘man’, and I use the term lightly because he is not showing behaviors of a man but a selfish child, doesn’t deserve a loyal person like you! Do not be afraid, get rid of him and get your own life!!! It is better to love yourself than love someone who doesn’t love you back!!!
Heartbroken… She hasn’t said she didn’t want to go. But we had to cancel a session a month ago because of one of our kids activities. She said she would reschedule it. Then when I asked she said she thought I was going to. And said she would then. That was a month ago, so now its been 6 weeks that we haven’t gone. I actually missed a call last week from the therapist and I am thinking of setting up a time for me to see her. And if my wife wants to go, so be it. Update on the show she works at. I went with her after all. While picking up the badges, the lady at the desk said there were 4. It made me courious so I started to grab the packet and she pulled it away from me. Turns out she had registered him at the show and was going to hide it from me. So what does that tell me. I understand that she registered it before I found out. Not a problem. But my problem is she was going to hide it from me. Instead of just telling me and moving on. It wouldn’t have hurt if she just told me instead of trying to hide it. Hiding things from me is what got us in this mess. Stupid thing said “I didn’t want you to get mad” Any thoughts?
Michael – Good for you for going with your wife on that trip. I’ve been reading a lot about transparency in a relationship following an affair. I hear ‘I didn’t want you to get mad’ and ‘I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have’ a lot so this may just be the blind leading the blind…it would be really interesting to hear input from others who are going through what we are now too…but, for what it is worth, anything with-held, particularly if you ask about it, is not transparent. It is perpetuating a lack of trust that can not begin to rebuild until there is complete and total honesty…even if the honesty hurts. You have joint ownership in your marriage. At this point, I think I would pick up the phone and schedule a meeting with the therapist. If she won’t go, at least you can go along to share recent events and ask for the best course of action. A friend of mine offered me an insightful question last night that I might pass along to you…if you were on your death bed, would you want her to be the last person you saw in your lifetime? Would she answer the same? If so, then I think there is hope if you both are willing to work toward the same goal.
Heartbroken…. My answer to that question is Yes. Even with what has and is happening. Of course I would want to see my children but it last person would have to be her. So I could look at her beautiful face and with what I have left tell her I had a good life. And that I’d be waiting for her. This question touches me deeply because I watched a good man pass away who loved his wife with the same conviction. Although he and his wife had done, and gone though, much worse in their lives. He still loved her dearly and she was by his side when he passed away. You can’t get any days back but you can make the ones you have mean something to you and the ones you love.
Missy, Thanks for your words of encouragement.As each day goes by, the decision to end it is coming into focus. Saw a lawyer today. Unfortunately, can’t afford him.
I’ve heard all of the above from my wife of 9 years who I discovered was having an affair over the last 6 years, although she had only seen him 3 times in that time, text, MSN, facebook messages & contact was daily with an old friend (he was and is still married) some extra comments she said that made me laugh :
“I needed someone to talk to ” after she found out the pregnancy test was negative, this was 6 days after I left home to go to Iraq as we had tried for our first baby before I left.
“He never made me orgasm”, so that’s alright then (Very heavy Sarcasm)
“It was only oral” so does that make it not an affair (More sarcasm)
Still after 1 and half years i fin dit hard to trust her, get images out of my mind etc.
My wife has been to counselling on her own as I’m still oversea’s and she has found out why she did it, I’ve had 2 sessions on my own when at home but still can’t forget it or forgive her.
Hi Dave, and welcome. Those are some tough statements to take from your spouse I’m sure. I imagine it makes it even tougher since you’re overseas. Building the trust can be difficult, but some how you need to regain it and learn to forgive her and move on with improving your marriage.
@michael: I have heard this one several times this year, only without the maybe.
“Maybe I should leave and work on this myself so I stop hurting you”
Stephen, I’m sure that you are aware that is probably not a wise thing to do if you want to work on your marriage.
Short and bitter:
“She wasn’t even pretty.”
Someone from the past, while we were dating,
“She was way out of my league”, (so you settled for me)
“After all, beauty is only skin deep”
AT THE ALTAR, “I HAD NO INTENTIONS TO STAY FAITHFUL”
Thanks Theresa. Good additions to the list. I especially think the “…out of my league” one was stupid!
I agree completely. It is called invasion of the husband snatchers. The affair person is not my real husband–he is like a mindless, infatuated, foolish, stubborn, etc…I think you see what I think. First, let me tell you the worst part, is I see this, kids, friends, everybody else can see this irrational behavior except for the H & OW. Why because they want to believe the fantasy, the connection(not necessarily sexual) that is a need that was being met. In my situation, it was financial, not being domestic enough, being selfish, not nice enough, not attentive, being overly emotional…according to my husband. Really nothing that dramatic or that was worse than normally in our marriage, UNTIL he started his thing and I felt a distance, meanness, disconnect, even though I was lied to when asked. We are going through a divorce–it is one month after he told me and about 6 weeks since we separated. I know this new relationship will not last–or go past what it is right now. He is allowed to make the biggest mistake of his life–because I spent a month trying to talk him out of it. Does not work. I am backing off–but remaining friendly, encouraging interaction with the kids, meeting a few of his needs that I WANT to meet. This helps me because going cold turkey no more of him–would be like me quitting smoking(or worse). This is just how I need to deal with letting him go–gradually. Even though the OW tracks his every move, texts, calls, has spies, etc…because she is so insecure and jealous of me. She lives a long distance away–her problem not mine. One reason it will never work. Sometimes I think that is why it has been so attractive to my H–it is so complicated it is bound to fail. He has already back-tracked from yes I am moving there–to it won’t be til later-I may never move to where she is. A divorce is going to protect me financially and emotionally while he is pondering. I am not gonna wait long. No guarantees if he gives her up on his own–that I will still be available. We are both okay with that. So maybe some day the aliens will switch the pod with my real husband and we will have a much better marriage as a result of this very rude wake up call. If not–looking and feeling good on my part will be the best revenge.
Terri, Thanks for the comment and welcome. You seem to be doing everything right. One day the affair will die on it’s own. Good luck.
Oh yes Terri , exactly!! good luck, and I am in the same boat, by the way. Also waiting…but not too long.
Over the past few months as I have read more blogs and forums about infidelity, I am amazed at how the “script” seems to be the same for just about every situation. The details may differ greatly, but the cheater says the exact same lines every time. It’s truly unreal how many times I’ve read these lines and heard them in my husband’s voice in my head because he made the exact same (word for word) statements as all the rest!
And of course, the cheater always thinks “It’s different for us… This isn’t like all those other people who are having affairs…” When clearly, they are all just the same delusional fogheads.
Oh dear, reading these posts just make me chuckle.. and feel so sad too. As Kate said, these OM/OW are so scripted. I have got from my hubby.. “She is just like a sister to me” (so you would have sex with your sister huh?)
“She understands me, you don’t” or “we are just not on the same page anymore”.
What is with these people. My hubby says he is not like any typical Adulterer and there fore it is wrong of me to put him the same box. Yes, situations are different, but there lingo and illogical thinking is all very much the same. I think they must have all read the same dialogue book.
All these comments and the blog have been a real gift to me. My husband has been involved in emotional affairs for several years now. I have felt for years that he couldn’t handle me sharing myself and he’s even told me so. I also realized he did share some of himself with other women friends and didn’t put two and two together until the past week. He is now involved in a “sexual exploration” in order to “become who he genuinely is”. All the rationale lines sound possible, although those have not come out of his mouth. Instead, what I’m hearing are things like: I’ve been the good and faithful husband my whole life, I need to discover my soul in order to give it to you genuinely, I want to see the effect I have as a man on a woman/women, I’m owning it rather than trying to figure it out/blaming you or me, If we’re to be soulmates I have to know and own and have a real genuine free soul to share and it goes on from there. He’s not willing to stop and in fact wants me to find someone to meet my needs and would like to be involved in that exploration. I’m so confused and deeply, deeply sad. I need some perspective – what he is saying IS crazy talk, right? Right? I can’t sort it out anymore.
I’ll add one to the above list: “She’s a good Christian, like us, and “we” would never do anything that would hurt our families.” This was devastating.
[...] http://www.emotionalaffair.org/stupid-things-said/#comments [...]
Hi everyone, just read all your posts and what strikes me with a lot of these excuses (and the ones my H offered me in heaps) is the sense of pure superficiality and delusion behind them. We who have been so heinously treated live in the real world. They all live in ‘cloud cuckoo land’.
My own H came out with the ‘there was never a spark when we met’ line, and the object of his EA was older than me – 50 for crying out loud! Even his best friend pointed out that I was more attractive and asked him if he was ‘on something’. And H’s other friends told him that his behaviour was way out of order and he shouldn’t be treating me like that. As for my in-laws, they said he needed a kick up the rear and he shouldn’t be acting as if he was single when he was married. Not that he listened, being in the height of his delusions and all that.
Another corker my H came out with – ‘she’s in charge of the TV department and does filming and stuff’. And this is me – AND? SO !?*?!? WHAT? But my H is attracted to ‘glamorous’ professions so obviously he was comparing boring old me with her job. What made it worse was that she openly flirted with my H in front of HER OWN BOYFRIEND!!!!!
I know this is totally unrelated but I think it illustrates just how little my H values me – our garden needed mowing and I said I was sick of doing it. My H said he can’t do it as he has hay fever; I reminded him that I’m allergic to grass too but I take my medication and get on with it. So he says he’ll get someone in to do it and get the FIL to pay. I refused and said I’ll do it.
I got home from work an hour ago and guess what? Lawn mown (not by H), a couple of trees pruned (not by H) and I’m ten quid down. So naturally I’m not happy because 1) I earn a pittance and can’t afford to pay gardeners and 2) because the FIL in my humble opinion is leant on way too much by my H.
So how does my H respond to my displeasure at having my feelings ignored yet again? With ‘I thought you’d be pleased the garden was done.’ This is the man who said he ‘strayed’ because of MY attitude, but I’ve been living with this level of dismissal for 16 years!!!!!!!
In all honesty, how do you ‘affair proof’ a marriage when one of you constantly undermines the other and brushes away any attempt at input on their part?
i was married for 17 years, more downs than ups, the first day I felt attraction for another man I told my now ex husband straight and in his face, he still hates me for that but I promised to be faithful and I was right until the end of the marriage, so I can’t understand all the lies and the double lives, I wouldn’t even have the courage to come home and look at my children and husband in the eyes, maybe I destroyed a family, but did not destroy it with lies, and i am still badly judge for that, my heart goes for all of you who had to find things in the most horrible way.xoxoxoxo
My husband of 21 years has been having an EA with a c0worker, he insists that “they are just friends” andthat because she is 2o years younger than him there is no way she would be interested in anything other than friendship. He is such a fool
Last week my husband said he wasn’t in love w me anymore. So I asked him. “today you were having a panic attack when you called me from work. Who was the first person you called?” he said, “you were the only person I called!”. I asked, “when you found out about your kidney failure (2wks after DD when we weren’t talking) who was the first person you wanted to tell?” he said, “you”. Then I asked, ” when you have your surgery next month (to remove his kidney) who do you want there?”. “you” he said. I said, “that’s love here (pointing to his head) not here (pointing to his heart).”
Only just discovered your website, via a post on a “Marriage Sherpa” blog. Thank you so much for being there and for saying all that you do Linda – speaking the truth so openly – as it is.
Linda, you have no idea how much i was ready to have a good giggle about it all. Your post about the stupid things your spouse says, when having an emotional affair……… Gee, i did not realise there is a universal code of stupid things one can say to dig one’s hole even deeper! Really needed that good belly laugh. Another step toward healing. I know it is very sad, but i am delighted that i can now laugh about it. A year ago it would have made me cry to read it.
I am so grateful to your site. Also the affair is now over between my husband and the other woman, i go through everything you describe. It all makes sense. I will never be the same. And maybe some of this is a good thing. Some things had to change in myself. But can i ever be that carefree and trusting inner child again?
Blessings and heart felt wishes to you.
My favorite was always, “because I knew you would get mad.” Forget the fact that I’ve never been jealous, that we have both had friends of the opposite sex, that I would encourage him to go out with friends every so often for guy time. To him, lying to your spouse because she MIGHT get mad, was a perfectly good reason. Sneaking around with his “friend,” instead of bringing her home to be welcomed like all our other friends, made perfect sense because I MIGHT (for the first time ever, & out of the clear blue sky), not approve of their friendship. History & experience, & knowing me as well as he does, didn’t even play into his reasoning. Never min common sense like, “if you have to lie about it, you shouldn’t be doing it.”
Here are a few:
From his first EA (didn’t realize it was one until now). That one stopped things as soon as she met me.
“You will never meet her because she is so gorgeous it will make you insecure”
From his second EA (going on for the last year). Note that he was acting disgusted with red heads (gingers) because he was not physically attracted to red heads.
“She is a ginger, overweight and not gorgeous”
“She isn’t shitty, she is married and has a kid”
“We are just friends”
“You owe her” (cause she told him to call me when he first broke up with me and we tried to make a go of it)
My personal favorite. When he was breaking up with me, right up to the very end “It has nothing to do with her”
I’m just amazed at his efforts to convince everyone that is sane (sister, father, mother) that I was the problem with the relationship when all of his arguments make no sense.
God I wish he would find this page, my open up his eyes, but he is too fogged out right now
My husband told me that she was just a friend, she was married, but she was also bi-sexual and more of a lesbian than bi-sexual, so I shouldn’t worry. Oh and when I got upset that she just happened to meet up with him to run at the track, I had hurt her feelings, so he had to console her…..He also asked if he and this girl could run/workout together and maybe I could run/workout with her husband. That way someone would be able to babysit.
Its been 5 weeks since my husband moved out of the house. He is still in the fog phase, I dont know how much longer hes going to be in it. We’ve been married 12 yrs.but i would like to add other stupid comments I have heard from my insane husband, may be some of you have heard them before “Its been hell living with you”, “The biggest mistake of my life was marrying you” and of course the most typical of all “Were just friends” what abunch of “Bull”. Not only that , but he has already introduced my 2 year old daughter to the O/W and thinks its perfectly ok and normal that she interact with the O/W,my little one has told me that “Daddy’s friend”as she calls her has said to her that she loves my daughter. This woman is a lunatic she has already robbed my husband and now trying to rob my daughter as well?My little girl is already having a hard time dealing with the fact that mommy and daddy arent toghether anymore and then this .My husband doesnt know all the damage he has done to our family. He has started blaming everything on me, to justify what he is doing, he has said to me that he knows what hes doing is wrong and is ashamed,but does it anyway. The day he moved out he told me he wasnt sure if he still loved me, and wasnt sure what he felt for the O/W that he needed time and space to sort out his feelings. just 3 weeks before D-Day he had told family and friends how much he loved me and we were planing to have our second child. I cannot comprehend how someone can love you one day and hate you the next,he has said to me that he DOES NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE.Ive seen anger towards me in his eyes. I think he sees me as his enemy right now, because I have tried to tell him what hes doing is wrong, it just makes things worse, he wont hear any of it and gets defensive. I hope he comes out of the fog soon enough to realize that he is throwing away his familly and marriage for someone and something that is not worth it. I hope its not TOO LATE for him when that happens.I am glad to have found this site it has helped me alot and to see that I am not the only one going through this.thanks for all your comments!
Please read the blogs and responses about working on yourself. If I were you I would once again make myself the confident, intelligent women that you are. You are much more appealing if you don’t act like you give a sh*t. Let him have his OW and let him know that you don’t care (I know, you really do but there is something obtuse about the way these CSs think – Wow, look what I just gave up). That is, if you really want him back. If not, do the same with the goal of getting on with your life after divorce. And go see a lawyer NOW about the child visitation issue (even if you are sure if there will be a divorce – he has left the house and you have a duty to protect your child). It is clear that he needs ground rules about dealing with your two-year-old in this mess he made. Sorry, having a bad day and not feeling very generous.
Hi Laura,
Is there anyone else in his life that can apply pressure to what he is doing to you and your marriage? I wonder if you can solicit a family member of his to talk to him about his wrong doings, or maybe a close friend. He needs a good wakeup call and possibly someone he respects outside of your marriage might be able to help.
Best to you in your struggle.
Laura i think our stories might be somewhat similiar just wondering how long your husband has been involved in his affair? My story is under the discussion section … How did u catch your cheating spouse.
Sorry meant to say “…unsure about a divorce…”
I would like to add after ten years my hubby says whats the big deal we have never really loved each other.. WHAT????? ten years and no love…. what a putz…I honestly wish they could just hear themselves..
Notoverit: thanks for your advice,I have begun working on myself to be more confident. I am trying to lose weight(more than I have lost since I found out about the affair because I wouldnt eat)I am trying so hard not to show him that it kills me that hes having his affair,but anger takes over and we end up arguing,yelling and hurting each other. I will take on your advice and act like Idont give a sh*t. I still love him I have told him this many times since D-Day,but he doesnt believe me and says thats the reason our marriage ended because he felt I didnt love him anymore,Ididnt support him,made him feel unapreciated and yes I have to admit I didnt do things he asked me to change so that our marriage could be stronger. I so much regret not doing the things I should have done when he asked me to. Since I had my daughter we got into an everyday routine the passion just ran out on my part ,sometimes I felt like I didnt love him any more, I got depressed and didnt do anything about it. I feel partly responsible for not trying to make our marriage work, he only sees my faults, not his, it takes 2 people for a marriage to work or not work. I also made the mistake of letting him go by himself to the club, he loves to dance and I dont,yes i would occasionally go with him. He met the O/W at the club, I trusted him 100% and he abused that trust. Sometimes I feel all this is my fault, that I drove him to do what he did. It hurts so much. Unfortunately all this had to happen for me to realize that I still love him very much. And yes I am looking for a lawyer to get legal advice on child visitation, for now I gave him an ultimatum that he is to see his daughter as long as shes not around or close to the O/W. He has agreed to this but says that he sees no harm and why the O/w shouldnt be near my daughter, hes such an idiot and only thinks about himself,hes already caused so much damage in such a short period of time and continues on doing so. I just want my daughter to be okay in every way possible. As for me Iam trying so hard to get on with my life , its not easy,somedays I feel like running away from all of this, but when I look at my daugher she gives me the strenghth to go on.
I am so sorry you are having to go through all this Laura. Yes, I think we all didn’t work on the marriage like we have since learned we are supposed to. But you didn’t make him make his choices. Like I told my husband, if you were so stressed and wanted something new, why didn’t you just leave me? What was so okay about sneaking around hiding what you were doing then coming home to me? You should have just left. But they didn’t and I think that is what hurts – they kept the OW and still, lying, came home to us.
I know about the anger and the yelling but I have since learned that it does no good. The anger comes from the hurt. I wanted to hurt him as badly as I was hurt. Doesn’t change anything. So, try to act like you don’t care (I have bitten a hole in the side of my cheek to keep from tearing into my H sometimes). Show him the woman you are: smart, self-assured (even if you secretly want to curl up into a ball and hide); and stop trying to make him see how much you love him. Just take care of yourself and your daughter. I have been practicing thinking of something else when I start the obsessing roller coaster. You have to break the cycle yourself. It’s hard but work on it. If he comes to his senses (and really sees the OW for the bitch she is – who goes after a married man with a two-year old except a bitch? Sorry, a little dig there. LOL), he will realize you are the person he should be with because YOU LOVE HIM. Just don’t push. I think we all try to push and make them realize things before they are ready to deal with the mess they made. That is the hardest thing to do. Backing off does work so give it a try. And get s therapist to rant and rave to! Let us all know how you are doing!
Hi Melvin!There have been family and friends trying to get some sense into my husband but he wont listen.Its like talking to a wall. I dont know what has to happen for him to wake up!Hes acting so irrational,hes not the person I was living with 5 weeks ago,the mature,loving husband and father he was before D-Day
Hi Laura!
I’m in the same boat as you. I could hear almost my story. Only thing i can say is focuse on yourself! After the dday, my h was another person. My guess is that by revealing A the process accelerates. Until he moved out he said all the stupid things above and more: “finally he sees the light at the end of the tunnel!” my thought is train called ow is coming to derail him. Joke aside, after 3 weeks he moved back in and the whole week he stayed he was sorry for ruining ow’s innocent life for breaking up with her. And he complained he knows he loves our kids, but doesn’t feel anything. He moved out again. I told him no contact for 1 week, and i won’t let him see kids, because they were traumatized after each his visit. After 2 weeks he came fjnally to visit us, and i could see how much he missed us! And yesterday(after 4 weeks of moving out second time) he said that he loves me and kids, and it cannot be erased.
So laura be strong if you want your h and family back! I’m with you in there, just hang on!
It is unbelievable that my usually insightful and intelligent husband felt adamant that his ‘temporary psychosis’ was infectious and that I would actually believe the bo***x he told me:
“she was helping me with the problems in our marriage” (having just come out of her second marriage to an alcoholic who spent all her money and her first marriage where her husband cheated on her and left!?)
“she wouldn’t say a bad word about anyone” (but apparently she would shag a man in her community, whose family she knows and who’s kids do sport together!!?)
“We are just friends and only kissed on one occasion and we both knew it was wrong” (so the sex on skype, on the local beach and at her house was ok, but the kiss was inappropriate?!!)
“she tried to help me look at our relationship positively” (since found out that was thru comments like (‘marriages never survive affairs’!!)
The biggest learning for me is that as the ‘betrayed’ we feel we have been lied to and deceived but seriously, we are the only ones who have maintained honesty and authenticity in ourselves. The cheaters meanwhile, have had to lie to us, themselves and the OW, and the OW has actually been selling an image that is a total lie too! I am sure when this OW’s marriages were at breakdown point, they would have found me to be an outstanding replacement for her; had I been an unscrupulous marriage vulture!!
I think I am in a fortunate position (Jury’s still out) that my husband is absolutely mortified by his behaviour and feels embarrassed and humiliated by what he became in his affair. He has been doing everything he can to repair the damage he has done and he recognises that his comments at different times were pathetic and only served the purpose of maintaining denial about what he was doing.
Hi toddler mom! I read your story and you are right,our stories are similar. I am sorry to hear youre going through hell with your husbands affair. I hope your husband realizes all the damage he has done to you and your son as well. Your son is so young just like my daughter to be going through this emotional mess our husbands have created. I hope your husband and mine snap out of their fantasy soon enough for our families sake. My husbands affair started sept. 13 2011(a day before our wedding anniversary)The O/W phones calls started pouring in. But I actually found out oct. 14. Good Luck Toddlermom! stay in touch to see how your husbands affair ends up. Which Iam sure wont last. Best Wishes for you and your son!!!
Hi Lea! thanks for your support. I am glad your husband came home to you and your kids, I hope he works hard to regain your trust. I think it wont be easy for the two of you, but not impossible if you love each other. I hope my husband comes out of his fantasy world, but for now I dont think hes coming home. Makes me sad. But like you said I have to be strong and focuse on myself whether he comes home or not. Good Luck Lea!!
Hi Laura,
I wish he comes back. No, he just comes to visit us on saturdays. The only good thing is the fog i guess is clearing a bit, if he realizes that he loves us. The rest we will see. Just taking each day as it comes.
Be strong!
Its almost going to be 2 months since my husband moved out of the house so he could have the freedom to have his affair full blown. I have tried to limit all type of contact with him,except by phone or text. The only reason I do it is because he comes home to pick up my 2 yr old daughter. He now wants to see her. Shes happy to see him too. I have backed off , so he can do whatever in hell he wants with his life, that has worked because the arguments and yelling have decreased. Of course I would like for him to come home, but for now that is not a possibility.Hes still in the fog. Just yesterday he left his truck in my driveway so the windshield could be replaced. I was nice enough to do this for him(or stupid). I got in the truck to look for insurance papers and guess what I found? A picture of the O/W. And shes not all that. Shes older, somewhere in the mid 40′s. My husband is 33.Shes not even that pretty. But not only that I also found condoms. Nice uh…what an a**hole. I was shocked, I didnt even cry, I just started shaking.Its like he deliberately wanted me to see evidence of his romance. I know shes not better than me in any way. Because I am a woman with integrity,values and principles and shes a homewrecker. It upsets me that my husband expects me to treat him nicely, like nothing bad happened, he wants us to act like we are best friends. Sorry I cannot do that right now. May be someday,when I have healed. He still doesnt realize all the damage he has caused. It has been up and downs.Somedays I feel good, somedays I feel sad and depressed. I have started Zumba classes,that helps a lot with the stress. I am slowly starting to work on myself to boost my self esteem. (Since I have always had low self esteem) I love and miss my husband very much!!!! I am going to take one day at a time. I want to get better and get rid of all the negative feelings I have.
I have just read the post: “The lack of “Real Love” is the cause of infidelity”. It says that if you dont make your spouse “feel loved” he/she will likely be unfaithful, they go looking for what is missing in their marriage. Thats exactly what happened to me. I ignored my husbands cries for love, support,understanding. I just didnt care, didnt do anything about it. I was selfish. Thats the reason hes having an affair. I know the affair was his choice. But I feel regret, because I feel in part responsible. If I had worked on my marriage when I needed to. We wouldnt be where we are now. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TIL IS GONE. Cant change things now. But nevertheless, it hurts like a stabbing knife on my heart. I needed to share these thoughts with you readers. I am crying again,
Thank you so much for this site. I am 5 days past D-day. Feeling horrible, can’t eat, sleep, or concentrate. I stubled on this site and have been reading for hours. It makes me feel better knowing I am not going crazy. I have heard all of the same excuses and reasons I see posted here. Never even thought about it as an addiction but it makes so much sence. I don’t know that we will be able to save the marriage but I think I am willing to put in some effort. Thanks again!
Hey Scott, Welcome. So sorry for what you’re going through. There are some really great and helpful folks on here, so don’t be shy about asking the opinions of others. Take care.