Should you tell your partner if you’re having an affair? Is honesty the best policy?
By Linda & Doug
We received an email this past week that included a video recording of a Google Hangout session where there was a panel discussion of sorts about the pros and cons of whether one should tell their partner if they were having an affair.
We’ve addressed this topic a while back and it seems to be one that can generate some lively debate.
First, read the short post, then watch the video below and then let us know your thoughts on the question…
Should you tell your partner if you’re having an affair?
If you’re having an affair, many people feel that the best course of action would be to come clean. After all, honesty is the best policy, right?
Not so fast. According to bestselling author and relationship counselor Esther Perel, (“Mating in Captivity”) honesty isn’t always the best policy – at least not in this situation. Silence is.
Perel says: “Several times already this week I’ve asked clients, ‘Why did you tell her?’ They say, ‘I wanted to be honest.’ I say to them, ‘For what? Who benefited from this? You? Your conscience? Your marriage, which is completely in shambles? Couldn’t you just finish this [infidelity] off and move on?’”
Her views on infidelity are already controversial, but she also thinks that intimacy in relationships can often impede desire, and that couples who are very close may not have the best sex lives.
“It’s not that I don’t value intimacy or security – of course I do,” she says. “What I say is that secure attachment and erotic desire are two different experiences.”
Watch this video panel discussion about infidelity and intimacy that includes dating expert Jo Barnett, relationship psychologist Donna Dawson and Sigurd Vedal, the founder and chief executive officer of affair-facilitating website Victoria Milan. It lasts about 27 minutes.
https://youtu.be/pqM_Fx5YL3g
Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comment section below. Thanks!
49 replies to "Should You Tell Your Partner if You’re Having an Affair?"
Wow, I clicked on the Victoria Milan link. I had never heard of this. ReLive your passion. Have an affair. I was familiar with Ashley Madison. Life is short. Have an affair. Ugh. I had no idea how much of this crap there is. I think their slogan should be. Life is short. Betray the ones you really love so you can ruin your reputation and be known as a lying cheater for the rest of that short life. Lol.
VM has some interesting features. You can blur your profile photo to not show your face. Has a Panic Button to redirect your from your whoring if your spouse walks in. Will auto sign you out and direct you to a neutral website if you forget to sign out. What will they think of next.? Whoring just gets easier and easier. Life is short. Better sign up for your chance to date an overweight fifty year old on a Tuesday afternoon…
I wonder if they scam old people out of their life savings and beat up little kids for their lunch money too? It is sickening. These types of sites are preying on people who are sick, disillusioned and in need of help. NO ONE in their right mind uses these types of sites.
Giz, I was amazed how many sites like this exist out there today. Also, search terms along the lines of “have an affair”, “how to have an affair”, “I want to have an affair”, etc. are some of the highest volume search terms on Google (in the category of infidelity). It’s crazy.
You guys are all disgusting trash this is just fucking horrible just trash the way you get tell don’t tell somebody you’ve done something wrong I don’t want to sleep with somebody who’s fucked somebody been sleeping with somebody else I don’t want to be with a person that’s been with somebody else you guys are some of the dumbest people I’ve ever heard speak and you think you’re smart or you know relationships and you don’t want to tell somebody you don’t want to be honest if I found out later that somebody was screwing around on me I would be mad if I had stuff with him afterward knowing that they did that I don’t want to touch somebody who’s going to go sleep with somebody else or that can be with somebody else we’re supposed to be with me That’s trash that’s a disgusting trash person if I wasn’t good enough to be with they don’t need to be with me I want to know that because I don’t want to stay with somebody who’s going to be with somebody else I’m not a runner up I’m not a second option I’m not a backup plan You guys are some of the most immortally disgusting people trashy and you have no respect for a relationship I don’t care if you think it’s intimate or you think it’s erotic I think that’s only one thing sex is sex whether you’re with somebody or not you make love to that’s what you’re doing you’re not doing that with somebody if they’re cheating on you if somebody’s cheating on me they’re not making love to me when they’re being banged by someone else I don’t want to be with that person they shouldn’t even be with me you guys are why everything is so wrong with people in the way they think nowadays why women are so big a horse and they think it’s OK You guys are some of the most immortally disgusting people trashy and you have no respect for a relationship I don’t care if you think it’s intimate or you think it’s erotic I think that’s only one thing sex is sex whether you’re with somebody or not you make love to that’s what you’re doing you’re not doing that with somebody if they’re cheating on you if somebody’s cheating on me they’re not making love to me when they’re being banged by someone else I don’t want to be with that person they shouldn’t even be with me you guys are why everything is so wrong with people in the way they think nowadays why women Think it’s OK being such big whores sleeping with anybody they want and it’s OK that people shouldn’t matter about how many it matters the truth is always better I don’t care what you say if you have to hide it or lie about it shouldn’t be with a person you have to lie to you should have to be with a person you have to hide it from if you can’t be completely honest don’t be with that person because if you find out later that they have been sleeping with somebody don’t you think you’re gonna kill him or if you find you have some kind of sexually transmitted disease that you didn’t have because you didn’t cheat I would want to know you guys I swear to God you guys get stupid or instituted and you’re supposed to be experts It just makes me feel bad because now I know my kids or their kids and kids are just gonna be just trashing immoral worthless people they have no Values whatsoever because of people like you. Honesty is best because I don’t want to sleep with somebody or accidentally have sex with somebody who’s been having sex with somebody else don’t you think that’s disgusting why would I want to have sex with somebody who’s been cheating on me obviously they don’t want to be with me so tell the truth and just get over with it you Are all foul nasty people and probably think you’re probably the type that think porn helps relationships when it’s all just promoting illegal acts of incest and interracial and cheating and thats what is considered fantasy And it’s disgusting do you think about those things is that what you fantasize about cheating or something with your daughter OK so then why would you want to be with somebody who’s cheating on you because you’re just getting inside of something that somebody else has already had don’t don’t withhold anything Rihanna’s to tell the truth speak up say something I don’t want to be with that kind of trash cause if that’s something that you can do to me I don’t want to be with you I don’t want any trash like that in my life cause that’s all it does is just build more trash Because once they start doing it They never stop because that’s liars cheat and cheaters lie that’s how it is always will be
Sexually. Transmitted. Diseases.
Three words = one reason to tell. My husband’s whore had hpv. This disease can cause cancer of the cervix and of the throat. It can be deadly. There are no symptoms, it is painless and often goes undetected until an abnormal pap smear pops up. While in an ideal world we all get checked yearly, I know we all sometimes forget. For the rest of my life, I will hold my breath during that yearly screening. My doctor said if she has hpv, she likely has other diseases. While I cried in the exam room, he painfully told me of the things I need to watch for and when to come in and see him immediately. He even suggested paps every six months for the next two years.
In my opinion, you do NOT get to soothe your conscious and hide your dirty deeds all in the name of doing no harm and saving the marriage. You could be risking your partner’s life. For me this isn’t a subject of debate or opinion. You risked your partner’s life when you screwed around, and you’d better man or woman up to it. If you love your spouse AT ALL, if you value them as the parent of your children AT ALL? You owe them the truth.
So true, Doug and EG. I know a couple of people who used ashley madison and they say it’s pretty much a straight up scam. One is mj cousin, he is a standup comic and will tell anyone anything. He said most female profiles are fake, and a cover for basically prostitution. Guys pay throgh the nose to get credits, and pay for just about everything. A girl at work did it also. Just a bunch of creepy guys trying to get laid. Not sure what she expected. Prince Charming, I guess. They both said you have to pay to delete your profile, so that inflates the number of users I guess. Crappy customer service too, lol.
I totally agree about the STD reason for telling, Eg. You can pick up a lot of diseases just Swapping Spit. I can’t stand to drink after anybody even. I want to wash my hands after handling money. My husband will only Admit to kissing his slimy whore, and that disgusts me. Kissing him makes me feel like I just licked a toilet. Oh wait, I did.
It truly boggles the mind. Twice, during fits of anger, I asked him straight out. What kind of woman did he think would lie, cheat, and have an affair with a married man? What kind of woman would be willing to walk up into our HOME and have sex there with him? Someone clean? Decent? Normal? Was he REALLY stupid enough to believe her when she said she had only been with two other men?? I told him she was probably telling the truth on that one, but he thought she was saying two men EVER and she meant two men THAT SAME DAY. Ugh. He was rendered speechless. He has so much shame.
It has been hard to recover intimacy. To know that he not only had sex with another woman but that she had an STD (lied about it until near the end) is bad enough, but to know that he had unprotected oral sex with her is almost beyond belief. I have a LOT of disgust to get over. If I am totally honest, I still have some. He deeply regrets throwing away so much for a whore. We were each others’ first and only. What. A. Waste.
Eg, it boggles my mind too. I won’t understand how they seemed to forget completely about safe sex. It’s not like it isn’t advertised and drummed into your head everyday. For goodness sake, the children get it drummed into their head all the time, so why all of a sudden they think a woman that chases after a mm is a descent clean sort. Even if she is a good person in some ways, it does not mean that her husband or previous partners haven’t picked up a std at some point in their lives and passed it onto the ow, without her knowledge. So why do they not consider all aspects, before not practising safe sex.
I asked my h how he could risk my life for the sake of the ow? He said I didn’t. I said of course you did, you risked your own life too, having unprotected sex with a person you have no idea what she has, and it isn’t like she would tell him if she did, because then it would have turned him off.
I said how could you risk what we have?
He said, he was stupid and wasn’t thinking.
I guess that sums it up for a lot of cs. They were just not thinking.
My cousin also told me that the AM Have an Affair guarantee is a scam as well. You have to spend an enormous amount of “credits” contacting people, and spending money I wonder if anyone ever cashes in on it. he said it we would be cheaper to just hire a prostitute straight up. That has a guarantee. I told you he was a stand up comic. his ex cheated on him, and left him with their baby. He said he just wanted to see what kind of whores you’d find on websites like that. Apparently, just the kind you’d expect.
I was told today that my ex’s latest love broke up with him. She said he was a controlling asshole!!!! Hahahahahah!!!!!
See Rachel, he is the one that isn’t good enough. Lol. Yet think of this too, when a descent woman finds out he has cheated on his wife, watch how quickly that relationship lasts. All I will say, is sit back and enjoy the show. He dug his own hole, and now he will sleep in it.
I was actually thinking about sending a message to my h ow, and saying – how does it feel being dumped after not being all that in the sack, especially by someone you thought was so inlove with you? Or maybe now you will see, that if you play around with someone else’s husband, you are just going to get burned. Maybe you will realise that now, not only do you hurt innocent people, such as the wife and children of the mm, but you end up hurting yourself too.
Maybe now you will understand that mm are off,limits.
Yet then I thought, I better not, she might start up again. Lol.
Intriguing discussion. First to get it out of the way, Sigurd (Victoria Milan CEO) is delusional in his rational for why he is in and has the business of assisting people to scam their partner. A real lack of character and morality IMO. While I don’t agree with Donna Dawson I understand her logic of trying to minimize the pain of your spouse/partner. She came across as VERY empathetic to the suffering and uphill battle of recovery once the affair comes out. I also agree with her comment about how the internet’s “brave frontier” referencing sites like Vic. Milan will eventually be our undoing.
Recently I read an incredibly disturbing article on usatoday.com about the “dark web.” The underbelly of the internet. If one finds sites such as Vic.Milan disgusting do a little research about what goes on in the deep recesses of the internet. Among the “lighter” stuff found by law enforcement …people who purposefully infect people with STDs and infectious diseases for sport. I believe the internet has given voice to a culture that has always existed but was limited by societal constraints. Well no more!
The truth should be told for everyone’s mental and physical health. There’s is too much at stake for the individuals and the family.
My comment “first to get it out of the way” was in reference to Sigurd only. I found him YUCKY!
Are there ANY valid reasons not to tell, that don’t benefit the cheater?
T – I’m assuming your question is rhetorical.
I do believe keeping it hidden protects the cheater more than the betrayed especially in this modern age of rampant STDs due to progressively blurred boundaries of acceptable sexual/intimate behavior. Plus there’s the lifelong concern the AP will contact your BS out of spite, anger or simply because they are a mean individual. I think that is a tremendous amount of worry and stress to carry in a relationship either consciously or subconsciously. It will breed toxicity in my opinion.
There are always exceptions to a “rule” as Giz points out in extreme cases such as mental illness and abuse.
Very, very true. The underlying guilt and anguish of a truly remorseful cheater can harm them in many ways. This in turn hurts the marriage. The betrayed spouse likely feels that something is “off”. Despite all my denial, deep down I “knew”. When I found out the truth, as horrible as it was, there was an element of relief there as well.
Teresa, the only instances I can think of is when the party being told has a history of mental illness or violence . I personally did not tell my husband about my cheating 20 years ago because he was an alcoholic and had a violent temper and history. Vietnam veteran, trained killer, seriously. He also had several assault charges, including some involving his ex wife. He told me “after we split up, I caught my ex with my best friend and put them both in the hospital.” An aggravated assault against me for threatening me with a gun. So I kept my mouth shut.
I also found out about ten years ago that my half sister I’ve only met once was the result of an adulterous affair. my mother was in a mental institution and befriended another patient. After they got out, my mother baby sat for the other lady. Long story short, my mother became pregnant with her friend’s husband’s baby. The betrayed spouse then committed suicide. Two children were left motherless. My sister eventually was taken into custody by the state and adopted at age six.
So sometimes there may be a legitimate reason not to tell. It doesn’t make it less wrong, but sometimes people will be hurt physically, which makes the situation even worse than it already is.
FCOL, I agree that not confessing to an affair can cause a lot of toxicity to a person. I didnt tell my first husband about it. I actually didn’t tell anyone while it was occurring. I did tell my high school best friend a few years later, I guess cause she was around when I first dated the guy. I told my current husband what I had done after we had been married about a year. At that point it was ten years or so in the past. Now, it’s over twenty
Part two. dang phone acting crazy. Anyway, at some point a few years ago I decided to quit keeping my secret. People really weren’t as judgemental as I thought. But I dont try to defend what I did so maybe thats why. I dont announce it but if anyone asks or the topic comes up, I tell the truth. It’s the past, I can’t change it. secrets, in my opinion, really take up a lot of space in your brain. Has my husband ever used the info against me ? Of course he has, to try to defend his own behavior. He always wants to tell me I’m worse cause I “did something” and he did not. Oh well, in that case, do I think I did nothing wrong until sex was involved? No, thats silly. It was all wrong, in his case and mine. At least I can admit it. freely. You never know how far your influence might reach, to someone considering adultery, if they hear a real story instead of the crap you see on television.
Another reason to tell? Because you want to figure out WHY you cheated and you want to FIX IT, not sweep it under the rug where it can pop out sometime in the future.
When someone cheats and hides it, I imagine there is a temptation to push it to the furthest corner of their mind and forget it. Write it off as a “mistake”. An aberration. When what they really should be doing is seeking help. Getting counseling to figure out how and why they crossed the line. This allows them to deal with the underlying issues, which are almost always the result of some unresolved depression, childhood issues, etc. This allows for accountability and healing. Both necessary if the cheater TRULY wants to never do this again.
First & foremost what a BIG PILE OF BS to say it is OK/BETTER NOT to tell Ur partner U are having/had an affair! The people preaching this BS have to be SERIAL CHEATERS themselves & NEVER have been a BS!!!!! I was having a tough enough day today dealing with my CS, my attorney, her attorney saying this offer is NOT going to work for my CS & trying to get the Divorce over with & then read this BS!!!!
I wish I was one of the lucky ones who has a CS that has come clean about their EA or A.
Oh to be so lucky/fortunate to know that Ur CS is still committed to Ur marriage & is taking ownership & responsibility, showing remorse, going to counseling either IC or MC. Actually trying/making an effort to HEAL the HURT/BETRAYAL they have caused to all involved!!!!
I did a LOT of things wrong in my 25 year marriage! I made a lot of mistakes/bad decisions! I took my wife for granted! I stopped romancing her! I treated her unkindly!
I lost my temper to often & for things that did NOT really matter in the long run! I was afraid to speak the truth about my love for her! Men have to be tough not show weakness, emotions, feelings? I was brought up that way, taught that way & believed that was the way. How UNTRUE that belief is!!!! That is what I have learned to late to save my marriage!!!!!!
I TRUSTED my wife 100%, I NEVER thought she would have an EA! Especially with a SERIAL CHEATING married man!
I have never wavered in my LOVE for my wife!!!! Sure I was mad/upset with her over things during OUR marriage! I just could NOT stop trying to prove my way, my thinking, my answers were right & hers were wrong. How WRONG I was to think I had all the answers, that I knew everything, that my way was the right way, I had to win every battle. Not just the big ones but the little trivial ones also! Stupid, Selfish, Ignorant, Hard headed, Foolish ME!!!! I NEVER CONSIDERED GOING OUTSIDE OF OUR MARRIAGE TO GET WHAT I FELT SHE WAS NOT GIVING ME!!!! NEVER!!!!
I am going/have been going to IC to try & change my behavior, my thinking, my wanting to win every battle. I have taken responsibility/ownership for what I did/have done to HURT my wife! I have said I am SORRY for my words, deeds & actions that I have done to hurt my wife! I have ask for my wife’s forgiveness for my word, deeds & actions that have hurt her! For her it is to LATE, SHE IS DONE, WE R OVER, THERE IS NO MORE US!!!!
On D DAY April 2013 she told me to leave her over the texts if I must! She told me that she did NOT like me as a person! She told me she did NOT care bout me anymore!
How I wish i could go back now to D DAY & do things that day so differantly. Walk up grab her phone slam it on the ground & break it into a million pieces, put her clothes in trashbags out on the porch & change the locks on OUR house!!!!
What a CHUMP I was, I wanted to SAVE, FIX & REPAIR OUR MARRIAGE!!!! I LOVE HER!!!! SHE HAS MADE A MISTAKE/BAD DECISION!!!! SHE & I BOTH WILL COME DOWN OFF OF OUR HIGH HORSES & WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT FOR BOTH OF US!!!! CHUMP!!! CHUMP!!!! CHUMP!!!! WHAT A CHUMP!!!!
25 years of NEVER doing anything right, I held her back? i controlled her? i did not want her to grow? I was NOT a good father to her son? I was not a good leader? I felt that every thing we achieved was only because of me & NOT her also? She was NOT going to let me CONTROL who she talked to, texted, e-mailed, facebooked, how often, @ what times of the day or night (her answer when I gave her the ultimatum Ur EA MARRIED MAN or me on 09/2013)????? WHO IS THIS PERSON???? THIS IS NOT THE WOMAN I MET, FELL IN LOVE WITH, ASK HER TO MARRY ME (IN SICKNESS & HEALTH FOR BETTER OR WORSE, TILL DEATH DO US PART)!!!!
Sorry I needed to VENT after reading that BS that it is OK/BETTER NOT to tell Ur partner about the AFFAIR!!!!! STILL FUMING!!! IT IS STILL BS!!!! I HATE DIVORCE!!!!
Betrayedchump, ohhh how I feel for you. I’m so very sorry. Reading some of what you wrote is how my h was towards me at times. Everything his, because he worked for it. Being strong not weak, my h too, it’s how he was raised. Yet it didn’t stop him from hurting me and his children, by cheating.
I wanted my h, never waivered my love for him, yet I am still shocked that it came so easily to him. He showed the ow a weakness, she used it. He showed me too how weak he can be, but most of the time he was strong throughout our marriage. This was the first time he ever showed weakness.
I know both my h and I made mistakes, but having an affair should not have been a solution.
I wonder why at times, we realise the extent of our love for our spouses once it is too late, before things like this can jeopardise and destroy a marriage.
Again, I’m so sorry, please look after yourself.
SR:
Thank U for Ur kind words & sharing Ur HURT/BETRAYAL/PAIN that U have gone through! I am sorry that U have had to endure what U r going through!
Those thoughts/feelings/perceptions about not doing anything right for 25 years were hers! I did NOT have those thoughts/feelings/perceptions about OUR marriage/relationship! She did & she NEVER told me until after she filed for divorce! She was more than willing to tell her EA MM her troubles/feelings! He was unhappy with his marriage/life so he was trying to end NOT only his marriage but OUR marriage also! He had one & only one goal, destroy OUR marriage to have sex with my wife & maybe make her his 3rd wife?
Yes I did fail by not telling her the injustices that i was feeling during OUR marriage! She was/is an ADULT as I am, so it was up to each of US to let the other know what we/life was doing to us that was hurting each other!
So many other choices for my wife that she could have made that would have taken more effort/work/time to save, fix & repair OUR marriage! Instead she takes the easy, selfish, cowardly NO effort required route! Maybe she will finally find her own happiness with herself as a person & her life now, either by herself or with husband #3!
How does one just turn their back, erase 30 years of knowing someone, erase 25 years of marriage, rewrite their marriage history & their unhappiness of their personal life history? Walk away from everything the two of Us had endured, worked for & achieved together?????????
The EA & the divorce is absolute devastation/total destruction of/to everything I thought that we had together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Betrayedchump, you did all you could to save your marriage. This is your wife’s doing, not yours. Yes both sides have their own faults in a marriage, and after a long time married, sometimes for some it is just easier to throw the towel in then try to work on the marriage. My h told his ow things he didn’t mention to me, I believe he will most likely never mention to me, because most of it was in his head, and most likely just a way for him to show her that he understood her problems I guess. Yet talk a bout throwing the one person that truly knows and accepts the person you are under the bus.
I am not so sure I will ever understand why people choose to cheat, I really don’t. It just causes so much pain, and it drags on and on, for what? Sheer selfishness.
I am just so sorry, you are going through all this pain. Ine thing you can find here though is people just like you, trying and learning to cope with the new life the ea/pa has made us live. Our lives whether we stay with our spouses or not, what we knew and how we lived our life before the affair is gone, our idea that this would not happen to us, because our spouses would never hurt us, our past, our present and future is affected now by the step our cs made.
One thing is for sure betrayed chump, is we deserve happiness, all of us here do, and I know you will find someone that will deserve you, and i know this experience will in someway benefit the new woman of yours because, I know you don’t want to feel this pain again. Just like I don’t.
Although I am still with my h, I know it is going to take some time before I feel at ease in my new life, yet I sure hope it turns out better. I would love to believe my h with what he tells me, but once bitten, twice shy.
I wish there was something I could say, to ease your pain.
SR:
Thank you, you did say something to ease my pain. You reminded me that I am not alone in what I have gone through, what I am still going through & what lies ahead to get through!!!!
I HOPE the BEST for U & your marraige/relationship, it IS worth fighting for & I hope Ur H understands that & GETS IT before it is to late!!!!!
PEACE!!!!
Betrayedchump, Thankyou too, I am glad that I have helped in some small way, although I am still with my h I feel as though the past almost two years of us moving that we have actually been separated, my h has spent most of his time away being near our business. We really only see him one full day a week. I am moving back with our children in just under two months time, and at times I wonder if I am ready to. Yet my children need me to. I truly hope it turns out to be the start of a better and more fulfilling marriage, one that is more stronger and unbreakable. Time will tell of course. I do hope my h gets it too.
Once you hit bottom Betrayedchump, the only direction is up. Peace and happiness to you too.
Have an affair, they said!
Life’s too short, they said!
Enjoy yourself, they said!
Did they study the fallout? Did they witness the collapse of an entire family ( Two families to be exact)?
No, not just the immediate family. In the case of an affair, we’re talking about every single family member, every single friend, neighbor, acquaintance, associate, everyone who knew and/or cared about anyone involved in the quagmire that surely follows.
Oh, it’s OK if it’s just a fling.
Sure. It’s OK. If you don’t mind…
…the nightmare that follows.
FU I say. You do not know hell as I do.
Overwhelmed, you are so right, affairs hurt everyone involved, and affects everybody who knows all sides, family and friends, work colleagues etc. it is a huge fallout. I know for me, I am so embarrassed to face a lot of people and it wasn’t me that did wrong.
I was reading some info on the internet and they were saying how most men will cheat on their wives, even if they love their wives. That just made me feel sick to the stomach, yet I know not all men would do that, and I see so many husbands that come on here who are the bs, and would never have cheated. However, while reading that, I couldn’t help but think, so if I ever left my h, what is the chances of finding a man that would not cheat on me?
I need to stop looking up on other sites like those because it ends up making me feel worse for the future, with or without my h.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, none of us deserved to be here, yet I am glad to have met people like yourself that give me hope that there are still descent people out there.
Ovrwhelmed:
Very well put! FU I say to them also!!!! These people & their BULLS___ (have an affair) definately were NEVER in LOVE with their partner & were NOT the BS!!!! They obviously were the CHEATER & they can JUSTIFY what they did & blame their partner for doing it!!!
IT IS SUCH A BIG PILE OF BULLS___!!!!!
I just heard my CS has started her 2nd friendship/relationship (AFFAIR) with another married man & we still are NOT divorced????? 2 for 2 she is on a roll! The first one destroyed Our marriage for me & the OM’s wife also had enough & divorced the POS!!!!
Two marriages destroyed, two families torn apart, so many friends & relatives caught in the middle!!!!
My soon to be X told me she did not want the responsibility of another dog to replace Our 14 year old dog that had to be put to sleep. Now she starts her 2nd friendship/relationship with another married man who has a SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD????
She wants to be a MOMMY again @ 52????? She wants to take care of this special needs child for the rest of her life but she did not want the responsibility of a new dog????????? How can one become so selfish & not care who gets hurt over their own pursuit of fleeting happiness???????? How can one NOT act & think like an adult before they hurt their family & ANOTHER family again??????? WHo did my wife transform into???? Where did she go????? Who is this person???????? How did she become so WEAK??????? The end is in sight, divorce is going to happen in less than 2 months. Show some self-respect, some strength, some moral character & wait until Our divorce is final!!!!! I cannot Change her! I cannot Control her words, deeds & actions! She owns 100% of both friendships/relationships/affairs she has created before we were divorced!!!! It is Disgusting!!!! It is Pathetic!!!! It is so very Selfish!!!! She broke my heart, then she ripped it out of my chest, tore it to pieces, stomped on the pieces & then threw it @ me & said YOU MADE ME DO THIS???????
Betrayedchump, one thing you know for sure and whatever your w says, you had nothing to do with what she did, and what she keeps doing. It is all on her, and in the end she is the one that is going to end up miserable. I’m really sorry your w is doing this to you, but I will say this to you, you deserve better, and you will find someone new, and you will be happy again. Your then exw will be the one that sees someone else with you, and she won’t like it, because she sees you happy with someone else who isn’t her, and I say, tough. She made her bed, now let her sleep in it, you enjoy your life, do not let her dump her sadness onto you.
Overwhelmed, you deserve happiness too.
I’m sorry your wives are such idiots…
Betrayed, I was blamed for all of it too. He never did anything wrong in his eyes.
Just let her talk blah blah blah.
It’s all a process. You will be better in the long run, mark my word.
Betrayed Chump, I can see why you would be tired of your wifes shennanigins, especially since shes trying to blame it on you. They all do.
I had the most amazing experience last night. I woke up about 2 a.m. haven’t been sleeping well lately. Was having various aches and pains, plus my nerves are really bad at night when I wake up.
As i was laying there, I heard a voice in my head, plain as day. “It’s not your fault.” Then, in case I missed it, I heard it again. “It’s NOT your fault.” It’s was freaky. But I’m going to believe it, whatever it was. It is not our fault, it is the cheaters’s fault.
Oh, and it was in a deep, male voice like Moses or God or something.
Ok, I just got a text from my husband and I dont think it was for me. ” Sorry I missed you. UR welcome.” then a couple of random things unrelated to our tesxting convo 30 minutes ago. Guess I’ll investigate tonite. Lets hope it’s innocent.
Giz, I do hope it is innocent too. As for the voice, it sent shivers through me.
When my h was away giz, he happened to stay in a hotel, and opposite the it on the other side of the road was a street, the same name as my fathers, he passed away in 2005. I told my h when he returned my dad was keeping an eye on him. Lol.
The voice was something, Strength. Things are getting cosmic around here, lol. No info on the text yet, but I think I know who it was, and if so, it’s innocent. I just hate that I’m so suspicious, when I never was before. I would have just laughed and said, I don’t think this is for me, and never thought a thing.
I’m still waiting to hear that voice that tells me all is going to be ok….
Not the voice that comes from my husbands mouth. He tells me it all the time.
I think giz, we over think so many things our cs does, we are only trying to protect ourselves from any more pain. I too wish that I didn’t have that in me now, yet I do. I hate being always suspicious too.
Thank you for all of your kind words, your sharing of your own struggle & your words of encouragement!!!! I am sorry ALL of us are here suffering through this together.
I was NOT a perfect husband! I made a lot of mistakes/bad decisions during my marriage!
I took my wife & the life we were living for granted! I treated my wife terrible while we worked together @ our businesses! I tried to make her quit working together, I tried to sell OUR businesses. I told her the businesses mean nothing to me if they are going to cost us our marriage! I am 100% responsible for my words, deeds & actions that I did to hurt my wife! What I did is ALL on me, no one made me do what I did, no one to blame but me, it was & is my doing!!!! I was angry & just plain mean to her @ times, what a fool I was to think how I was treating her was OK since it was @ work. I thought (didn’t really think about the big picture) we were keeping work @ work & not taking what happened @ work home with us. DUMB, STUPID, IGNORANT, ARAGANT, FOOLISH, SELFISH ME!!!!
I was angry/hurt @ times by her words, deeds & actions during our marriage & I did NOT do the right thing & tell her the truth about the hurt I was feeling to my heart & our marriage! Two strong willed people unwilling to budge off our high horse that we both sat on when we thought we were right & our partner was wrong! Sorry & sad DOES NOT FIX IT NOW!!!! I can’t change the past & I can’t go back in time to change how & what I did to hurt my wife! I can only go forward & try to change how I treat my wife from now on!!!!
The FOREVER DISAPPOINTMENT that comes from one’s partners refusal to try to save, fix, repair & renew their relationship/marriage is overwhelming/devastating!!!!! How can one’s partner be so willing to give their heart to someone new (while they are still married ) & REFUSE to give their partner the time of day let alone another chance to save, fix, repair & renew their relationship/marriage???????
We took a vow to each other in front of family, friends & GOD that we would be there for each other in good times, in bad times, in sickness & in health UNTIL DEATH DO US PART!!!!! Regardless of how angry/hurt I felt about my wife’s words, deeds & actions that she did during our marriage (that I did not agree with/like), I NEVER went outside our marriage to get my ego stroked! To find comfort, find praise, find the things my partner was NOT giving me @ the moment in our marriage from another woman, especially another married woman!!!! Have an EA, it is NOT cheating because they did not have sex????????? REALLY????? SERIOUSLY???????? BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! Why just end/destroy one marriage when you can end/destroy someone else’s also!!!!!!!
It is just so damn devastating to one’s family, now we will have a split family!!!! Our grandkids will have to endure the rest of their lifetime splitting time between Us! What did they do to deserve this! Why must they hurt/suffer for one partners selfishness/weakness??????? It is a complete & total disregard of committment, respect, honor, morals, righteousness & forgiveness to one’s relationship/marriage/family!!!!!!
I will never understand how someone can become so selfish to only do what they feel is best fo only them & to HELL with anyone else if they happen get hurt & suffer in the aftermath of what they did!!!!!!!!!!!
GOD will provide for us all!!!! He is always there for us!!!!! I would NOT be here now without him & his love, his forgiveness & his grace if I did not seek him out during this absolutely most trying/troubling time in my life to date!!!!
Satan is the spreader of the lies, the provider of temptaion for our CS, the killer of our relationships/marriages, he provides the weakness for someone to steal our partner from us, he wants nothing but death & destruction, he wants no one to be happy!!!!
Satan is POWERLESS against GOD!!!! ASK & YOU WILL RECEIVE GOD”S LOVE, FORGIVENESS & GRACE TO LIVE IN HIS HEAVENLY KINGDOM FOREVER!!!!
Forgiveness of one’s CS is a process for me that is very, very hard to get to. I will get there one day it just isn’t today!!!! Forgiveness will set me free from the power my CS is trying to hold over me for her affair!!!!!
I to have heard GOD”S voice telling me everything will be OK. It was my Uncle talking to/with me who was not a believer when he was alive. His son had a priest bless him & ask GOD to save his soul on his deathbed!!!!
It was really cool for me to see him & talk to/with him, he was my favorite Uncle!!!!
My mother talked to him also before she died, she was so worried that he was not OK & not in heaven, he told her that everything was & will be Ok also!!!!!
Someday our CS will go to GOD for his love, his forgiveness & his grace for their weakness/temptaion/affair/sin & they will then know the error of their selfish ways!!!!
Whatever HELL we have been put through is nothing like the HELL they will go through @ judgemet day if they don”t repent!!!!! I try to always remember this when I start thinking I am the judge, jury & executioner here on earth to my CS!!!! Her day is coming, the truth will come out, her cross that she is carrying will become to heavy & crush her just like the cross I carried over her affair became to heavy & crushed me!!!!!!!!!
PEACE TO US ALL!!!!!!!!!
Betrayedchump, none of us are perfect, it doesn’t mean our cs have to go outside the marriage. If we made them that unhappy, they should have left, got a divorce then seemed out someone new. What they did to us was plain wrong.
I hear you with judgement day, definately want a clear conscience before then.
Just look after yourself.
Giz:
What is the verdict on text you received & investigated? I HOPE it is NOTHING for the sake of your marriage/relaioship!!!! I know I would have fired a text right back after I received it??????
PEACE TO ALL!!!!
Thanks for checking on me, Betrayed. It turned out to be nothing, he actually had texted the person I thought it was after me. So that was good. I’ve had such a busy day, I’ve barely had time to think, much less comment. But it still pisses me off this upset me, cause I was never snoopy or paranoid before.ugh.
Giz, I’m happy to hear that the txt was nothing to worry about. Yet I do know he it makes you feel about having these little things get to you so much. I’m guilty as charged too. I was never like this before, never had any reason to be, I hate knowing now that the slightest thing can get my guard up, and cause me to stress over it.
do not let your spouse get a cheap crappy free phone from virgin mobile. It doesn’t even show the time texts were sent. The last one he had got stolen, and all the pictures you make with it looked blue. And you will get the same txt like ten times, lol. And it splits one text into like five short texts. Very strange.
Giz & SR:
I am glad for U Giz & Ur relationship/marriage that the text turned out to be nothing!!!!! I wonder would our CS have the same problem (trigger) if they would recieve a text such as the one U received?????? I think U both should look @ this in a differant way. U should be GLAD that Ur guard is raised by these small things (triggers). Remember before D DAY We ALL thought NOTHING about any of the SIGNS (texts, phone calls, e-mails, facebook, etc.) that we never paid attention to, WE TRUSTED OUR PARTNER!!!!!!!!! Now WE KNOW to pay attention to the slightest little thing that seems out of line about Our CS!!!!
I am still pissed that my soon to be X can’t wait 2 months for the Divorce she wants & started a 2nd friendship/relationship with another married man???? I confronted the 2nd Vulture by phone (I had to leave the CREEP a VM he would not answer his phone) & ask him if I ever made a PLAY for either one of his 2 wives while he was married to them? I ask him if he remembered that he was still married? I ask him if he knew my wife was still married? I told him I have the RIGHT to DEFEND my wife & my marriage & I will take that right to defend both until my last breath against ALL that come to kill/destroy/end my marriage!!!! I texted my soon to be X & let her have it (only way I can communicate with her)!.I ask her what R U thinking? Better question is what R U thinking with? Is Ur head that far up Ur ASS? Pull Ur head out of Ur ASS , take a deep breath of fresh, clean, pure air!!!! Get rid of that musty, dirty, I have been the victim of circumstances out of my control all my life, I want what I want NOW to make me feel happy & to hell with anyone who gets in my way or gets hurt in the process, my husband hurt me, held me back, controlled me, never wanted me to grow, never wanted me to learn, never wanted me to succeed BAD AIR! I told her I used to admire her for her strength & grace! Where did U go? Who R U? Who have U become? What in U changed to want to hurt the people who R closeset to U & LOVE U???? Told her to go get herself some individual Christian based counseling to get her head on straight & get rid of her anger, her hurt & to lay her burdens down to Jesus!!!!!! I again offered to pay for the counseling for her if she would just GO!!!!!!!! I feel sorry for her, I know she is hurting, I know she is NOT OK! I want to help her! I LOVE HER!!!!! LET ME HELP U!!!! LET GOD & JESUS HELP U!!!!!!! The hurt from her complete total rejection, the disappointment, the frustration just keeps going until the bitter end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,
Betrayed, you are so right. But we trusted our spouses because they presented themselves as trustworthy, and actually were trustworthy for a long time. So we had no reason to doubt. My husbands slag actually called and left a message at my house when he first contacted her. I heard it, and that night he asked me if I heard it. I said yes, then he said not to worry about it, it was nothing. I knew the person and didn’t think he was a cheater so I just said ok, cause I BELIEVED him. He later changed the house phone to a cell “to save money.” Believed that too. But you know what, being a LIAR is on him, NOT ME.
Betrayed, unlike our cs we loved them unconditionally and still do, I here your pain and I’m so sorry your w is in this place where she has no clue, on wth she is doing.
One day I am sure it will hit her, and unfortunately by the sounds of it, it will be too late. Hugs to you.
Giz, we believed and believed and had no reason not to believe, until they betrayed us. They have shown us the lies they are capable of, so now our eyes are opened up to that, it is hard to not see them, listen to their words, and wonder what lie they are dishing out this time.
I don’t care if it hurts the relationship because obviously there’s not a relationship there that is worthy of saving if they had to go be with somebody else for even if it was just for a little while a short period of time still I want to know because I don’t want to be in the relationship with that person if they had to go find something somewhere else OK there’s no point in fixing something that somebody’s gonna have to hide or you’re afraid to tell me I don’t care if it’s going to be violent I don’t care if it’s going to be horrible angry or somebody’s gonna have a mental breakdown tell me the damn truth because I don’t want to be somewhere even if it was a momentary lapse that they didn’t want me I don’t want to somebody anymore my last wife cheated on me and when I as soon as I found out I left I was done If you can go be with someone else even once I don’t want to be with you I’m done you’re not what I I thought you were you’re not who I thought you were and I now have a mental picture of you even just one time even if it’s a tingling feeling in my gut maybe you did it now your image is changed I don’t see you the way I saw you I’m not attracted to you I’m not attracted to somebody that can be with somebody else but come home and tell you that they love you to me that is disgusting and that’s trashy that’s something that only liars and cheaters would say because they don’t love you and they don’t care they’re just pacifying you because you’re paying their bills or you’re Keeping their shit stable yours you know if they have a bad relationship because they have a bad cheating experience that’s not my problem I don’t care if people finding out and the truth comes out and it hurts them or hurts their lover or their reputation or they lose their job or they lose whatever I don’t care because you get it to me I want to know the truth you cheated on me OK I don’t care what happens to you I don’t care if bad things happen to you or if you have a mental breakdown because I’m telling you I’m done and I leave you because the way I see as soon as you stepped out the door and you slept with that person the 1st time it was over between us in the 1st place you stepped out on me don’t act like there’s something when it goes bad Don’t act like I’m something better now that your relationship with your cheating partner’s bad leave me out of your life like you did those times you told me you were doing whatever you were lying about doing if you can’t tell the truth to somebody and you’re afraid mentally It’s going to damage them or if you’re this or you’re that because of some situation or you know they might have a violent mental breakdown I don’t care shouldn’t you have thought about that before you decided Hey I’m gonna go sleep with somebody else while my husband is having a mental breakdown at home cause hes still gonna wonder and hes still gonna think and it’s only gonna be worse if hes sitting stoop on it and then you find that later that you lied or you never told him because then I would murder you let me honestly you think I have a mental problem now try to keep something a secret for me and then let me find out about it just tell the truth and move on with your life and get out of mind why can’t you guys see that as the only thing there’s only one option tell the truth and get out of it tell the truth and leave tell the truth and get away from each other because Obviously for a minute I wasn’t good enough So you had to go cheap or you want to say it’s intimacy you didn’t get this kind of attention you didn’t get that well obviously if it’s driven you to a point you’re gonna go sleep with somebody I want to know because I don’t want to be with you anymore when you’ve already stepped out and said that you were done people can’t say I don’t want to leave my husband I just cheated I don’t want to leave my husband though then you shouldn’t never went in the cheated in the 1st place the moment you stepped out your door into somebody else’s house you made the decision that it was over Live with it be a man or be a woman until the damn truth don’t hide it like a chicken little coward because you’re afraid that it’s gonna game with you you’re people who don’t want to tell the truth are only afraid because it’s going to hurt them that’s the only reason to not tell the truth you’re afraid it’s going to hurt you because you could give a shit about the other person that’s obvious from the cheating On them with someone else’s part that’s a whole once you cheated with somebody I never matter to you anymore you can’t say you while you’re having sex with somebody else or in a relationship cheating with somebody else that you love me or you still have feelings let’s get it over with and just be done cut it cut it like an umbilicouldn’t couldn’t couldn’t couldn’t couldn’t couldn’t couldn’t couldn’t couldn’t couldn’t couldn’t could it couldn’t couldn’t I can’t like an embiliken’t be like aneed life feeling longer and I don’t want you to be taking mine why you let somebody else give it to you because I wasn’t good enough I will always remember always tell the truth there’s no reason to never there’s never a good enough reason to keep it from somebody You always need to give them the chance to decide if they think it’s worth being staying with somebody who cheated on them don’t make that decision for them tell them the truth and let them decide if you’re worth them staying with you Even though you’re not worth it ever people who cheat are never worth staying with there’s no reason to ever stay with a cheater because once a cheater always a cheater you can’t make a hoe a housewife And if your house wife turns into a hoe you can’t Revert that back I think it’s just wise to tell the truth because once they made the conscious decision to be with someone else it was over with you it was over with that relate the marriage so just let me make my decision by telling me the truth so I can make a clearer decision on whether I want to be with you or not because not telling them is just like lying to him because they think that that’s OK and you’re there with them and your solid and you’re not you’re not worth staying with and they need to know the truth because they need to have that choice fully knowledgeable whether they want to stay with you and if you’re worth it or if it’s better off and worth it to him to just leave and find somebody who is actually worth Those pieces that they threw away are now going to be damaged to the trusting the intimacy the fact that I don’t want to touch somebody who has been sleeping with somebody else and I wouldn’t want to tell you about it are the people who have been doing it for a long time because that’s habitual and they don’t want to admit that they’re wrong the only people who don’t want to tell the truth or that don’t want to just tell you what they’ve done are the ones who will be hurt they don’t want to suffer the damage they don’t want to suffer the pain from telling you the truth but it’s But I don’t care about their pain or about their suffrank they made this conscious decision they chose to be what they are and that’s what they will be and I want to go have a chance to be and find what I want and not be with that kind ofTrash because honestly there’s no excuse to cheat on somebody there’s never a reason that it is OK to go cheat there’s never a reason that it is OK to decide that you’re gonna go cheat and try to stay in your marriage you made your decision to cheat and be with somebody else that’s you consciously saying it’s over with this person so let me decide that too that I want to be over now and let me go be my happy somewhere it’s not fair that you would kill people to not tell the truth do not be honest it’s not fair that you would almost chill people to lie just so they don’t hurt somebody mostly themselves It’s sad so many people think you’re rebest not to say anythingI think that’s the worst kind of person you could be that’s the worst kind of person you could be because in the other person doesn’t even know the truth and they have a false idea of how things are and what they will become because you won’t tell them the truth everything else That you say to them after that is Nothing more than just a lie