One of the benefits of this site is to read and learn from the experiences of others who have walked in your shoes. Hopefully, you all read the comments as we feel that that is where some of the best advice can be found. This post addresses how it may be appropriate to work more on yourself in order to save your marriage.
A while back, one of our readers was responding to a post that Linda wrote about how basically, the betrayed spouse puts up with a ton of crap when they are trying to save the marriage.
Here is an excerpt from that post:
“After the affair is discovered, the betrayed spouse is in shock and they are in denial and they are really incapable of doing much of anything at that point. They are also looking out for the welfare of their family, they do not know the seriousness of the situation (mainly because the cheater will not be completely honest) and they believe that the cheater will do what is right.
However, as the days and months go on and either the affair continues or the cheater is not making the effort to emotionally re-enter the marriage, the betrayed spouse needs to take a stance. But the betrayed spouse often continues to lose the control and power they need to wake up and really look deep within themselves to figure out if they are acting in a way that displays that they have self-respect and self-love.
After d-day, so many of us will do anything to save our marriage. We will take the blame, change so we are more like the affair partner (AP), make dates, bite our tongues and comprise our values.
I remember doing things that I was very uncomfortable with just to get Doug to notice me or want me. I remember thinking I was being a bad example to my daughters and that I should have more self-respect.
My advice to anyone who finds themselves in this situation is to stop reading all the books that tell you how to be more desirable to the opposite sex, the books that tell you how to be a better lover or how to save your marriage. Instead, put your energy into trying to save yourself. Try to figure out why you are allowing your spouse to walk all over you, why you are allowing them to have their cake and eat it too.
I know that you cannot control what your spouse is doing to you and cannot stop their affair, but you have to somehow understand that you can control how you allow this to affect you. You need to work on YOU and do things that make you feel good about yourself. You also need to ask yourself if the way you are handling this situation is good for you or are your actions only an attempt to make your spouse love you.”
In the comment section of that post, a reader shared his experiences with respect to his wife’s affair and how a subtle change in his actions and his thought process created a change in approach to his wife’s ambivalence.
A Reader Shares His Thoughts…
After the affair, you cannot control your spouse’s actions. You cannot stop them from continuing the affair or from treating you poorly. The only thing you can control is how you are affected by their choices.
We welcome and need your comments, experiences and perspective on this topic, so PLEASE share them in the comment section below. Thanks!