Is it really possible to save your marriage by cheating?

know if your spouse is cheatingBy Linda

Here’s one, from the “I can’t believe what I’m reading” file.  In the article excerpt  below, journalist Iris Krasnow says it’s possible to save your marriage by cheating.

If the author and the few people quoted below were the ones who had to live through the pain that an affair causes then perhaps they would feel differently.

True, as the cheater, life would never be boring, but to paraphrase one of the people who commented, “Russian Roulette isn’t boring either.”

If you are that bored with your marriage and/or your sex life, then work to spice things up.  To save your marriage try something new – not someone new.

Cheating as a Way to Save Your Marriage

“To expect one person, man or woman, to make you happy for the rest of your life is a ticket to divorce,” Ms. Krasnow, a professor at American University, told the Daily Beast. “The happiest women I interviewed have a sense of purpose and passion outside of marriage.” And that doesn’t necessarily mean skydiving or pottery class.

“If you avoid getting caught, a little affair can perk up a marriage,” Lucy, a 50-something Californian, explained in the book.

“My husband is only capable of doing so much, and it’s not enough,” said Shauna, who frolicked with a gardener on the side. Affairs aren’t the only answer to a frisson-filled marriage, however. The New York Post outlines the steps found in Ms. Krasnow’s book:

Secret #1: Make out with old boyfriends – “I’m not condoning adultery in this book,” Ms. Krasnow told a reporter. “But in some marriages, it’s mutually acceptable.” Take Cynthia, a 68-year-old who started canoodling with her old college boyfriend in the back of his car. “Seeing Thomas makes me get along better with my husband,” Cynthia said in the book. “I am a happier wife.”

See also  Finding an Affair Recovery Specialist

Secret #2: Go on separate vacations – Ms. Krasnow routinely spends a good deal of her summers away from her husband. “I come home and I’m always hot to see him,” Ms. Krasnow explained.

Secret #3: Find a platonic boyfriend – Ms. Krasnow, who describes herself as pro-marriage and monogamous for 23 years, wrote that “boyfriends with boundaries” can be a “sexy pick-me-up” for a union. She is friends with her exes and enjoys confiding in her handsome neighbor Derrin about her day. Her husband, Chuck, loves it, Ms. Krasnow told the Daily Beast. “Derrin is a relief for Chuck, because when he doesn’t want to talk to me, he says, ‘Isn’t Derrin home?’”

Secret #4: Lower your expectations – At one point when her four children were young, Ms. Krasnow said, she contemplated leaving her marriage. Then a friend stepped in and said, “Oh, Iris, just lower your expectations.” These simple words saved the marriage, Ms. Krasnow said.

Secret #5: Choose a “steady Eddy” – Ms. Krasnow eases into the book’s friskier sections with some timeworn advice: “Pick the right husband in the first place”. “Reliability is the sexiest quality that you could hope for,” Ms. Krasnow said. “Don’t look for sex that sends you over the moon – although that does help – but look for somebody who says, ‘I do’ and ‘I will,’ and does it.”

Secret #6: Keep secrets from your man – “A secret is different than a lie,” noted Ms. Krasnow. Some things, such as crushes on other men, resentments and certain fantasies about the future, are best left unsaid, she added. “You spew this poison and it poisons the relationship.”

See also  Do a “180” to Save Your Marriage

But judging by more than 200 interviews included in her book, the most noxious poison in a marriage is boredom. Research shows that novelty – simply doing new things together as a couple – can restore the chemical surges of new love, the New York Times reported.

Suddenly reinventing date night seems a lot easier than constantly being on the make. Complete article found here.

Sure, duplicity, secrets and some male attention on the side will keep someone excited and have secondary effects in a marriage, but they are hardly the recipe for long-term relationship success or to save your marriage.  In most cases it’s not possible to compartmentalize relationships like that.

Additional Resources

“Save My Marriage Today” – e-book by Amy Waterman

Huffington Post Article – Interview of Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity: Sex, Lies And Domestic Bliss.  Delves into the question… If novelty is the key to hot sex, doesn’t monogamy kill it?

Psychology Today Article – “An Inconvenient Truth: Sexual Monogamy Kills Male Libido

 

    42 replies to "Save Your Marriage by Cheating?"

    • melissa

      There has been a huge amount of press coverage of this book and it makes me sick! No doubt some people are going to use this to justify their affairs, it’s pathetic.

    • Notoverit

      What utter BS! No offense to California, or maybe there is, but are all these people in the book from there? Stuck in the sixties? Free love? Or maybe they have no conscience. I don’t know but being married means taking vows, not running around. The pain and heartache caused by affairs is sooo not worth it. I hope people who read this book understand that the people she cites are not normal and certainly not in sync with the rest of us.

    • Alone

      I am a cheater, but this is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Cheating destroys everyone! I wouldn’t wish this on my own worst enemy!

    • mil

      Alone, are you male or female? Was yours an EA or a PA and is it over yet?

    • Paula

      I guess the marriage (the author talks about) must really be worth saving, lol!

    • Alone

      Hi mil –

      I am female. Mine was an EA with some very limited physical. It is over, has been for a few months. I have had no contact with the other man. I posted that this is utter *ullshit to think that an affair can be good for your marriage… that is ridiculous. No one wins in an affair, everyone ends up being heartbroken.

    • B

      While an affair may bring issues to light and allow two people to reconcile and create a better marriage, the pain it causes is always there. Triggers, memories, fear of being deceived again is healthy for no one. This book more or less goes against every principle we are trying to maintain.

      #1 Make out with old boyfriends?

      Sure, if you don’t mind being labeled a whore or someone who is randomly looking for herpes. What are we 16? I doubt very much that any spouse would enjoy hearing their significant other was making out int he backseat of a car before they came home.

      #2 Go on separate vacations?

      While it is good to have time apart for your own things, vacations or long stints probably aren’t productive. If you have to leave your spouse for a summer just to be hot for them, you married the wrong one.

      #3 Platonic boyfriend?

      Go ahead, confide in another and become emotionally invested in them. Isn’t this the way all affairs begin? “Just friends”?

      #4 Lower your Expectations?

      People shouldn’t have to lower what they expect, because what they expect makes them happy. It should be more of a consensus among two people as two what they need. You give a little and you give-in a little.

      #5. “Steady Eddy”?

      This one I agree with because having someone you can count on is imperative to being happy.

      #6. Keep Secrets?

      Not a good idea. A lie is something you purposely tell to deceive, a secret is something you don’t tell to deceive. The end result is the same. Some things are better left unsaid, but when they involve fantasies or crushes about the future, they can lead to temptation. How many of us that have been cheated on heard the phrase “I didn’t lie to you, I just didn’t tell you”. That one really stings when a liar tries to rationalize a secret.

      Affairs hurt, FOREVER. Even if you get past it, the residue is there forever. Sorry guys, but I don’t like this post at all. Rubs me the wrong way.

      • Holding On

        Well said, B. This post probably rubbed many of us the wrong way.

        Before the EA, I knew an affair would be so devastating. But living through this, it is so much harder than I ever imagined. The triggers, the constant mind rush of thoughts, the fear, the doubt, the ruined trust, not feeling like you know your spouse, the self-esteem plummet, physically wiping you out, and the list could go on and on. It is so much worse than I thought it would be.

        And it irks me the “If you don’t get caught…” I think there is a lot of negatives for the CS, the BS, and the marriage if the CS is great a hiding the affair as well. I didn’t know what was going on for 2 months (NEVER would have thought EA) but still felt something was off, felt distanced, felt less attention and love.

    • Irish Kate

      Its hard to imagine that the author or those that have contributed towards this book have ever had to witness first hand the devastating fall out from affairs. It’s not a book that I’ll be rushing out to buy.

    • JC

      Utter crap….and then some. What do they really think?? This is just so much useless bunk that its not even worth the time to respond.

    • mil

      Alone, sorry to be so inquisitive but it is helpful to hear the point of view of a cheating female as most seem to be men! My H had an EA ( although he doesn’t call it that, his term is a ‘game’) with a work colleague (from different premises) and swears there was nothing at all physical. He admitted he met her in the park sometimes and I CAN’T believe they didn’t at least hold hands or have a kiss but he goes ballistic if I press him to admit something he says ‘is not true’. Do you mind telling me how physical yours was, how close to actual sex did it get and how you managed to finish the EA, were you discovered or did it of your own free will? Did your H find out about your EA and what was his reaction? My H reckons that if I told the OW’s H, he wouldn’t be all that bothered if they hadn’t had sex!!

    • Holding On

      I love that Linda, “To save your marriage try someTHING new, not someONE new.”

      Cheating saves a marriage? NOT. My husband’s EA will never be the cause of our marriage being stronger. It is our hard work and dedication to each other. Yes, it was a wake up call, but it was a wake up call that could have come in many different forms that wouldn’t have had such harmful side-effects. I didn’t need a wake up call like this…some honest communication would have worked soooo much better.

      And we aren’t even to that stronger place yet. We have been bumping around for almost 4 months since D-Day with lots of ups and downs. Mostly downs. But we are both “Holding On” with hope that we can make it through this and stronger in the end.

      • Doug

        Holding On, I totally agree with your comments. I remember reading the book “My husband’s Marriage is the Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me” and thinking you have got to be kidding. I will confirm that it wasn’t the affair that improved our marriage it was all the hard work, pain and dedication. I also agree that the wake up call could have come in any other way rather than an affair. I remember thinking how quickly Doug and I were able to become close again.We were able to have fun and commit to our relationship after the wake up call. It is a shame that all of this had to be overshadowed with betrayal and lies. Linda

    • Alone

      Holding on – I am on roughly the same time line as you since D-Day, but I am the cheater. For a second, I got worried that you might be the wife, but looked at your earlier posts and see that you are not given the details of your husband’s affair. I am curious though, what causes your ups and downs? For my husband and I, it’s been me still in the fog, trying to let go of this other guy. It’s a struggle for me in a big way. Is your struggle because you are having trouble moving past everything? I’m just curious what your thoughts are, if you don’t mind as we are on the same time line. And I would agree, we’ve had ups and downs, mostly downs. We just can’t seem to reconnect again, but I am trying and so is my husband.

      Mil – No problem. I guess I am “rare” since I am a female cheater but there are at least two others that post here regularly which has been very helpful to me. About my affair, OK, I’m nervous to give a lot of details but here are a few: most of the physical was hugging, holding hands, limited touching, some kissing. The other man would not actually give me an intimate kiss very often as this was “too over the line” (think Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, you can’t kiss a prostitute on the mouth – I am so stupid, feel so used…). The other man turned up the dial and suggested the physical part, not me. I liked the close friendship and emotional connection. Actually, I feel sick writing this about the physical part… There was A LOT of sexual tension and inappropriate texts, ALL fueled by the other man. We did not let it go full blown physical because we “knew it was wrong” and I think they fact that we were not having sex gave us justification that what we were doing was OK. We got caught, we did not choose to end it. In fact, looking back, I now am coming to terms with the fact that if we were not caught, we probably would have ended up in bed together. There was discussion from this other man about leaving his wife. Even the day we were caught he was asking me what our plan was going to be. Things were getting very serious. Maybe that’s why I have had a terrible time letting go of the other man. I really loved him. Sometimes, I get confused as to whether he actually cared about me at all or this was all just to get me in bed. I know it’s sick for me to say all of this and it shouldn’t matter any more, but it’s all stuff I have to work through in my head in order to move on.

      My husband’s reaction to all of this – he was FURIOUS and HURT! I was kicked out of the house. Not allowed to see my children. It was VERY rough for a couple of months between us. Interestingly, the other man had ZERO consequences — not kicked out, told he was forgiven the next day, romantic weekend away just a couple of weeks later, etc. Trust me, it takes two to have an affair and he was a MAJOR player. I feel like I got all of the punishment, and he just walked away, totally forgiven, no consequences, and his wife chasing after him. Anyway, bottom line: if this would have been a full blown physical affair, my husband would have divorced me. The only reason is working with me at this is because he loves me. It hurts him VERY much that I have fallen in love with another man. And that is the part that he struggles with and so do I. Some days, I don’t know if we will make it. Hope this makes sense. I don’t mind answering your questions at all. Just don’t want anyone to know who I am! Yikes! But please try not to judge me too much, I know what I did was sick and wrong… And I will take any advice you can give. Please.

      Sorry for my rant. Please know I’m not really a horrible, evil person.

      • Holding On

        Alone – Haha. I’m sure I’m not the OW. 🙂 That would be crazy to run into our “others” on this site. I appreciate your openness and honesty. It’s probably is a little difficult and scary when most of us are the BS on here. I like the perspective you bring, and I have found your comments very insightful and helpful in seeing it from my H’s point of view. And you are very clear about your knowledge that what you did was wrong. I appreciate every time I read that statement from you. Thank you.

        My situation is different. H said it has been no problem letting go of the EA. He was through 4 months ago. He was actually in the process of ending it himself before he was caught by me – but in a nice way without probably even telling her he was ending it – I figure it probably wouldn’t have ended. He was going to try to go back to “just FB friends” without really discussing it with her and setting boundaries. Hmmm. Not sure how well that would go if SHE didn’t know it was over??

        My problems are the hurt and pain and shock that he did that to me. I just can’t believe it. I know people make mistakes, but I NEVER thought this was a mistake my husband would make. It’s stupid to think that, but I did. We are a very religious family and I thought we had boundaries that would never be breached or crossed. This has made it very difficult to forgive. I guess I hold cheating up there as a pretty big deal. I never thought he would do it, so it is hard to give him/me that break of forgiveness. I had it for a while last month. I had 5 really great days where I felt such compassion for him and what he must have been going through to get to that point. Then we had some trust issues with email and FB (he didn’t want me to have access) and I lost it. Trying to get that compassion back…

        I am so hurt that he was falling for another woman and being FLIRTATIOUS while he was married. Also, from the messages I saw, he was the pursuer. He lead it more and more into inappropriate things. It just is so hard to wrap my mind around and accept. It breaks my heart over and over again. I can’t believe he was keeping this double life (although it only lasted 2 months). He was sneaking and hiding and deleting and covering for himself. He was heading right for the phone/computer after I left for my night job. He was calling her from work on his lunch break (when I was home, available to him, he chose her). My feelings are so hurt.

        Also, I am very ANGRY. Like raging and blaming. I have said very hurtful things to him. I have thrown the EA in his face quite a bit. I decided I can no longer do that. He has stopped contact. He is very sorry. I can’t throw the “cheater” in his face. I can say how those choices continue to affect me, but not throw the details that I know in his face, like what he said or did in those moments with her. He is very sensitive to any words I use with him, so with me being upset with what he has done, I have said things that are very damaging and hurtful. I wanted him to know my feelings, but I was definitely letting it fly. Not good. Sometimes I am so upset that I am not good at controlling exactly what I say or how I say it. When I am calmed down, I regret it and apologize.

        I am very up and down which is confusing to him, because sometimes I am so needy and need him, other times I am so angry. I also am so hurt and sad, that he takes as anger or that I don’t want him around, which isn’t true. I am just so depressed. So he will withdraw when I need him to pursue, reassure, show MORE love, tell me I’m safe, etc. I just get that he is pulling away with how sad, hurt, and upset I am. Which doesn’t make me not feel those feelings, but makes them worse.

        I also have lots of fears with the trust issue. I feel wary of trusting him. I don’t feel safe in my marriage. I sometimes feel like I don’t know who he really is or what he values and feels. I feel a big disconnect from him as someone I CAN continue to love. Also, and this is hard to admit, but I feel a bit like a doormat. He was doing all these things and I need to just get over it and let him be with me?? Horrible, but I think that. Are BS weak? Or are we strong for working at this? I feel strong for sticking in there when all I want to do it run away at times. Honestly, my kids keep me here a lot. The pain and hurt is just overwhelming. I had suicidal thoughts near the beginning. That is how overwhelmed I was in this. My kids kept me from that path, too. I need to accept that he was a good man (like I always thought he was) that made a big, huge wrong choice. I’m sure that will come in time.

        So a lot stems from just accepting the past and knowing we can’t change that. A lot is just the sadness and hurt. And taking it one day at a time. When they say recovery is a long process, it makes me wonder what that looks and feels like. I know I think about the EA a lot less than in the beginning, but I wonder where I will be in my daily thoughts, how often I cry, how often I need to ask more questions, how often I trigger, etc. How often I am depressed. Sometimes, I am just sick of the roller coaster of emotions.

        Wow! And there is my EA therapy for the day. I always thought I needed to journal, but never have done it! Sorry, Alone!

        • Healing Mark

          Holding On. You are right on when you say that you need to stop throwing cheater in your husband’s face. If you continue to hold the EA over his head and against him, I don’t believe that you and your husband will be able to establish a bearable relationship, much less a happy marriage. Think about how you would feel and act if you had made a terrible mistake and hurt your husband in the process and yet you could not get genuine forgiveness from him and he was saying hurtful things to you and holding over your head and against you the terrible mistake that is in the past and cannot be changed. Sure, your husband would have the right to be hurt and angry at you, but would he be someone that you could sanely co-exist with, much less be happily married to? I doubt it.

          What you have described in your many posts on this site are very much like what I went through after discovering my wife’s EA. Very, very much. I wish I could put my finger on what led me to getting over the lies and betrayl, and the fact that for a period of time this wonderful woman that I have been married to for quite some time and with whom I have two beautiful children became someone quite foreign to me and one that knowingly and unknowingly did things that were terribly damaging to our marriage and our family. If I could, and it could be utilized by others similarly situated, I could make a lot of money! But I can’t and, notwithstanding what so many out there claim, there is no magic “fix” as relationships damaged by affairs are all so different, and the people involved are all unique individuals. All I can say to you is to hang in there and have faith that there is a chance that things will work out and your relationship with your husband will become something even stronger and better than it was before your EA. That said, you have to be able to genuinely forgive your husband, and he has to feel and believe that this has occurred. Trust will take more time, but my wife understands that she has to rebuild trust given what has occurred, and she is cool with that. What she was not cool with was not being forgiven for her mistake and having the word cheater (or other nasty words) thrown out just about every time we had some sort of disagreement. I got it, have pledged to try to not do so, have gotten better at not doing so, and through my words and actions have convinced her that the EA is NOT something that she is going to have held over her head/against her.

          God Bless and good luck.

          • Holding On

            I wish you could put a finger on it, too, Healing Mark! You would be a rich man!

            Is this horrible when I think, yes, I’ve done a mistake, but nothing as bad as what HE did?!? I’m horrible. Why do I have to make what he did so unforgivable? Just because I would never allow myself to cross those boundaries? I hate that I’m so “better than thou” over this. I’m usually a very forgiving person. I had sexual molestation issues as a child. I had a verbally and physically angry father. I was able to let those things be and forgive. But this? Other daily small things? Right off my back. I don’t hold grudges or judge too harshly. But apparently, if you marry me, you must never disappoint me like this. I am just so sad that the man I loved the most hurt me the most I’ve ever been hurt in my life.

            But on the other hand, he has made me more happy and given me more love than anyone else on this earth. That’s a pretty big plus.

            I do love him. I do want to be with him. On my good days, I think it is easy to go forward and of course I don’t need to think about any of this stuff, it gets pushed aside rather easy. On my bad days, I am stumped. It is hard to see how I can ever move completely forward.

            This is a bad day, but I’ve read a bunch of good things. Thanks for your words.

            I realized this weekend that I was spouting off actual words that he wrote to her that he deeply regrets, right back to him. And I had been doing that often. Things he apologized for and I swing it back and say, “What if I told a man _____” and use his words and switch it around for me. Things that were in the past, things he never wanted me to see, things I MADE him share with me, things he is embarrassed and ashamed over. I finally GOT how damaging that was for me to do it. I could see it from his side. How hurtful it would be when he admitted it was very wrong and I keep talking about it all. I need to leave that in the past. WAY in the past. I burned the physical stuff, now I need to remove it from my speech as well. It is OVER.

            Thanks again.

    • Anita

      I am not at all surprised that a book like this was written, but what I can say is, so many people make the mistake of thinking another person should make them happy. Instead of turning to our Lord and Savior to be the one who fill you up, people use sex,drugs, affairs, you name it, to fill a void in their lives. God made us, by going to him, that is the only way to get that void filled. Yet so many people do not understand that. Somehow they have this belief that by doing all these other things is going to make a magical difference, yet over and over you see how many lives are turned upside down.

    • Anita

      Alone,
      I do not believe you are a horrible evil person, I believe you are looking for love that only be given to you by God. I do not know whats going on in your marriage but I promise you will not find it in another mans marriage. ” His wife is chasing after him” she’s married to him, your the outsider. You have no business getting involved in another relationship, while your still married. Even if you were single you have no business getting involved with a married man. Alone, get some christian councelling. They will help you sort out whats going on with you. Getting involved with a married man while your still married is not the answer.

    • Alone

      Oh Anita, I couldn’t agree more with you. I was completely wrong. I was an outsider to their marriage as he was to mine.

      My comment about her chasing him is that her reaction was POLAR opposite of my husband’s. I know this sounds ridiculious, but I want my husband to chase after me. I know I’m the one who strayed, but I didn’t feel like he was fighting for me, to keep me. In a way, it felt like the other man was REWARDED for cheating on his wife. I am sure to most of you this doesn’t make sense. But in my screwed my head after the affair, that’s my perspective. I feel like I need my husband to pursue me somewhat although I KNOW I made this mess and must do the hard work to make him feel wanted again and secure.

      Also, so you know I went to my pastor immediately and repented. I go to church and started attending a woman’s bible study. I pray. We have also started doing devotionals together. It helps. I am reading some Christian based books about affairs and marriage. I want that spiritual connection again. It’s the only way out of this pit of dispair.

      Thanks for posting.

    • michael

      Alone,
      I believe you when you say you suffer more than he had to. I believe my wife suffers in the same way. I don’t think his wife has ever found out. Because the way it continued. For how long, I may never know.
      I hear your words of honesty here and how you may or may not ever feel safe enough to be as honest or greater with your husband. That makes me sad for you and for her.
      But, why do you think you are unable to be that honest to him? Most likely fear. But of what?
      Fear that you may loose something you want? Your family.
      Why doesn’t he deserve the opportunity to make that decision. Do you fear it will cost you your stability?
      Your words sit so heavy on me because I have the same questions of my wife.
      If she confirms my gut feeling will that change my mind? I can’t answer that. Because, as they are suspicions I can dismiss them as such. If they became a reality I don’t know how I would take it. All I can say is that even with the harsh words she had to say about me and to me, I’m still here. That has to count for something. All the unanswered questions do is open up all new suspicions. After the mess she has created I think I’m owed the reality and an opportunity to prove myself and my character.
      What she did was wrong. I can and will get past that. What she continues to do only let’s the space between us grow. Until there is no reason to care what, when and where she did what she did.
      To try and sugar coat it, lie about it, is a selfish way for her to keep what she wants. Even if its what she said she didn’t want when she had someone to run away to. She was given her opportunity to chose, don’t take that from us.
      I must say that after almost 2 years, the lack of commitment to understand what happened to us, the lack of honesty, and the several empty promises she has given has left a gap in me for her. I am currently looking for a counselor on my own, as I know I need help when I feel so low. I hope it will help me through this dark hole that’s still missing inside my heart. That connection we once had. I admit that I have just as much responsibility for what happened in our relationship. But I didn’t chose this, she did.

    • Anita

      Alone,
      Infidelity is as old as the Bible, Read 2 Samuel chap. 11 1-27
      King David who wrote the book of Psalms, a man after God’s own heart. Yet King David got a married man’s wife pregnant while the husband was off at battle. Then King David tried to cover it up. Read the rest of the story. King David has to face the consquences of what he did, but God did forgive him.

    • Alone

      Hi Michael,
      Thanks for your post. First, I just want you to know that I am not trying to make myself as a martyr. I know that I am 110% completely wrong. I just appreciate that you realize that the cheater ends up with a lot of extra baggage and thoughts they have to deal with and there is no one you can really talk to – because HELLO, why would anyone care how a cheater feels or what they think. I KNOW the reason you care and understand some of your wife’s side of things (and mine for that matter) is because you really love your wife and you want to save your marriage. Honestly, I think that is GREAT. She is very blessed to have a husband that wants this to work as badly as you do. I feel that you are very similar to my husband, very caring.

      I have been honest with my husband about the details of the affair. I told him everything, anything he wanted to know. He asked detailed questions. I gave truthful answers. What I was not honest about was my feelings toward the other man. Specifically, that I felt I was in love with him and that I still wanted to be in contact with him and that I was totally heartbroken/mourning the loss of my relationship with him and feel in some way that I have no ability to be happy ever again. I think the details of what happened didn’t really matter to my husband, what he is concerned with is that I had these feelings toward another man and was not able to let go of them and walk away from him immediately. Of course my husband has figured a lot of this out himself since D-Day as I am a terrible actress. I can’t hide my feelings well at all.

      Even though I have these feelings which I attribute to the fog, I have chosen to stay and work on my marriage. I don’t want to live like this for the rest of our lives – in limbo. He deserves a happy marriage. And I want to love and connect with him again. That is why I post here, to release my thoughts, to seek answers. It’s hard to put yourself out there as the cheater because you know the comments you are going to get.

      You said you are frustrated by your wife’s lack of commitment to understand what happened to ya’ll. I feel frustrated by this myself – why in the world would I have done this? For what reason? Why? Bottom line is, I don’t have a good answer and have shared that with my husband. I will never have an answer to make this OK. I simply made a HUGE mistake. Maybe that’s why it seems your wife doesn’t want to figure it out. She knows it’s all on her and she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. It doesn’t make her or my response right, but just giving you that perspective. In my case, there wasn’t some huge glaring answer of why I did this. I just flat out screwed up.

      Michael, I truly admire you and the work you are doing to restore your marriage. And absolutely, your efforts count for so much. Your wife knows that, even if she doesn’t show it much. If only she could see that you are her knight in shining armor, and you have been all along. Best wishes to you.

    • InTrouble

      Alone —

      I can’t tell you how much I wish we could have lunch together or something. I think we could be a great support for each other. Your story (and its ongoing drama) so reflects my f****d up life.

    • Alone

      InTrouble –

      ME TOO!!! I was actually thinking about you last night. I wish you, me, and confused 2 could talk together over lunch or something. It’s not like there are a lot of other people we can talk to. Pretty much everyone hates us, as you know.

      Hang in there.

    • InTrouble

      “Pretty much everyone hates us, as you know.” I think even my therapist hates me.

      I have a lot of good stuff going on my life — my job is busy, I’m training for a big marathon, we have a great trip coming up, etc. So why can’t I let him go? WHY?!

    • michael

      Alone, and InTrouble
      I get what you both are saying. But know, not everyone hates you. It is so easy to lay blame on my wifes other man. When all that does is cloud the issues that we have and doesn’t solve anything.
      If for nothing else I wish my wife would talk to others like you who have been through it on her side so that she could see that she’s not a villain, not a evil person. That she just got caught up in emotions that any normal real person has.
      He was her first real love. Her first real relationship. Her first time pregnant. In her mind, she was forced to do something that no woman should have to. And she was forced to separate from him by his parents.
      Do I understand her emotional connection? Yes. Do I understand her needing time and maybe support to get through what she did? Yes.
      But what I don’t understand is her not even allowing me to be a part of that healing. The part of her that she selfishly keeps from me is, in my mind, just as selfish as the affair itself.

    • michael

      Speaking of double standards…
      If this article was written by a guy for guys, there would be an uproar and a crowd of women with ropes to hang him. Or castrate him.

      Secret 1- Make out with your secretary. You spend a lot of time together anyways.
      Secret 2- Spend a lot of time away on “Business Trips”
      Secret 3- Hang out at bars with a lot of good looking women.
      Secret 4- Lower your standards. So what if she gained a lot of weight. Just keep the lights off and picture that hottie from that magazine cover.
      Secret 5- Find a “normal Norma”. Make sure she likes to have fun in bed, but not so crazy as to go looking somewhere else.
      Secret 6- Lie to her. She doesn’t want to hear the truth anyway.

      Sorry, I just had to… Yes there are double standards.

    • Alone

      Hi Michael, Your post made me chuckle a little bit which was good.

      Oh and you should encourage your wife to write here, it helps A LOT. Of course, not sure how you would feel about that.

      Anyway, thanks! : )

    • mil

      Alone, me AGAIN!!! Do you mind telling me the type of content of your inappropriate texts?? The texts are the whole basis of me discovering my H’s affair but I’ve only seen the ‘few’ he overlooked to delete. Such as (from her) ‘Love you, miss you, can’t stop thinking about you’ and (from him) ‘Feeling v randy today at the thought of you in lace undies’ and ‘You dirty little minx’. These are all disjointed as he deleted part of each conversation so I don’t know the other comments involved. He also texted her ‘I told you I’d wait, it somehow makes it more exciting’ (obviously referring to potential sex). These texts drive me MAD but I keep imagining there must have been more along the sex lines and would be grateful if you could tell me if yours were of similar type or much more rude and raunchy as I’m sure my H and her must have sent filthy texts that I never saw and it haunts me how filthy and explicit they got although he SWEARS they were nothing worse than those I saw!!!!!

    • Anita

      Introuble,
      I am sure most people feel this, we hate the sin,BUT we love the sinner.

    • Alone

      Hi Introuble –

      I agree completely with you, why can’t we let go?

      The OM is now divorced, correct? And he contacted you again after 8 months, right? I can’t imagine the turmoil and confusion that created.

      I had a bit of turmoil of my own last night… this town just isn’t big enough.

      Stay in touch.

      • Healing Mark

        Don’t feel so bad. My wife and I have been doing great, and she has resigned herself to the fact that her AP will no longer communicate with her either on Facebook or by phone, email or text. That didn’t stop her from accepting a friend request from one of his best friends after texting with him for almost 45 minutes a couple of nights ago after I went to bed. She showed me the texts that she did not delete (she admitted reluctantly to having deleted all texts about the AP), and acknowledged that what she did was hurtful to me only after arguing initially that I should not be bothered by what she did and that she only did it because she is such a “friendly” person. Geez.

        So it really is hard to get over the loss of a relationship that has grown so close. I get it. Just wish a married person would understand that unless their partner is cool with it, getting married means the end of establishing romantic relationships with other people. Heck, I loved getting emotionally attached to women before I got married, and the last such attachment was to my wife. But I have no problem stopping this now that I am married, and lord knows that several women have shown signs of wanting to get closer than close to me since I have been married. I’m so glad that I was able to nip those situations in the bud, lest I end up creating more problems in my life than I really need.

        Thanks for letting me vent.

    • Alone

      Hi Mil –

      I am a little hesitant to respond because I don’t want to bring you more pain and hurt. But what I am going to say happened to me, we can’t be totally sure what happened with your husband and this OW. Anyway, here is goes:

      – The OM and I were big friends. I mean very good friends. So, many of our texts were jokes, just having fun. General “friend” stuff. We actually both had a good sense of humor and complimented each other in that regard in a big way.

      – The OM told me that he “loved me” first, which shocked me actually… I was really surprised. Anyway, many for our texts back and forth were also things like: I miss you; I love you; I like you A LOT, I’ve been thinking about you, You make me happy, You’re my best friend, You’re mine, You’re MY lady, etc. This was not one-sided. Meaning, he sent me many of these texts, the I love yous and I miss you. You made it sound like these kind of texts only came from the OW in your case. But in my case, it came from both sides. We expressed our “love” for one another via text in a big way. In fact, we both felt sad that we had to delete the texts. We didn’t want to. We wanted to keep those words.

      – Now, I will not kid you. The OM would also send me a lot of flirting texts and emails such as: you’re beautiful, you’re pretty, you’re sexy, I want you, etc. The texts also did get very inappropriate with him describing in detail what (gulp) he would like for us to do together/do to me… and I mean in very explicit detail which I don’t feel comfortable writing here. And these would come at different times during the day, or via email. It was not very often that I would send a text like that, if ever. Most of these inappropriate texts came from him. Which again, makes me feel when I look back that he only “cared” about me for one reason. Anyway, that is a TOTALLY different story.

      Mil – I gotta tell you. Once we got caught, the OM and I deleted all of our emails before the spouses could read them. We deleted the texts. I’m not sure if either of us would still be married had our spouses seen the emails professing love to each other, how we wanted each other, etc. I mean I think it would have ripped their hearts out totally. It’s bad enough them knowing what they do know without reading what we actually wrote to each other. That’s what I was saying on another post. After D-Day, don’t believe a damn word the CS says. They were just pouring their heart out to someone else. And they probably meant what they told the other person. You can’t turn that off like a faucet, at least I couldn’t turn off those feelings for the OM that fast. But maybe it’s because I am a woman. My point is, the CS will say and do whatever is needed to cover their ass when D-Day hits. I’m sorry, but this is the way it is. You would react the same if you were just caught doing the worst thing you have ever done in your life. And that’s why the truth of what happens takes a little bit of time to come out. We are flat our SCARED to death when D-Day happens.

      Is this what you wanted to know?

      • Notoverit

        Sorry Alone but I am still curious. How did you and the OM meet? And how did you get caught? Sorry to ask if it’s painful. I was wondering if you two worked together or something. Maybe I missed it on your other posts. All our stories sound so similar. Thanks for sharing yours – it’s good to get the other side’s perspective.

    • InTrouble

      Oh boy Alone, you got that last paragraph 100% right.

      Yes we had a hiatus, and he is now divorced. We’ve had “break ups” before, but he always comes back around. However, I have never been in love with him, nor him with me. It’s terribly complicated. I have seen him, at least I’ll be honest about that. But the stakes have changed now, and I feel myself maybe, just maybe, pulling away from him. Maybe I’ve been in it thoroughly enough at this point to see the cracks. In some diabolical way maybe this recent progression of our relationship has sort of gotten it out of my system. Or maybe I’m just having a good day…

    • mil

      Alone, thanks for your honesty (LOL I think it’s funny folk can be honest with a stranger but not their spouse but…….), you’ve just confirmed what I know in my heart. My H insists he didn’t ‘love’ her, it was all text talk. Actually there might be a grain of truth in this cos I know he finds it easy to text me intimate and personal things, even have ‘discussions’ about his EA by text, but CAN NOT do so face to face. I really can’t imagine him saying stuff like that to her face in real life unless he behaved totally out of character!!
      He seems to have been able to cut ALL contact since I discovered his secret phone and I find it hard to believe he could do this if he was so in love.
      Anyway, I know I’ll never know the truth but I imagine it was pretty identical to yours. I am living a life sentence through all this, we’re going to Spain for a couple of days next week and I’m terrified of what she’s going to do to ruin yet another of our life experiences (yes I know she won’t be there but her memory is wrecking my quality of life and yes, I know she’s not the only one to blame but I’ve only got one husband and I married him ‘for better or worse’ NEVER expecting this to be that ‘worse’ bit). The tears are now in my eyes and it’s been 2.5 years since D-Day mark 3. I still sometimes think I’d be better off dead.

    • Alone

      Notoverit – I did not work with this person, thank goodness! I posted to Melvin yesterday the details about our D-Day. You can read several of my posts under “why do men and women cheat”. I’ve damn near written a novel this week. Hope you are feeling better though? I am actually having a bad day.

      Mil – Spain, that sounds amazing. Hope your trip will be wonderful!!!

      Thanks to all for letting me be honest. The writing is like therapy for me.

    • Alone

      Mil –

      One more thing. I hate that you said you’d be better off dead. I have the same thought, but I am pulled back from the edge so many times, because I would never want to leave that legacy for my children. I’ve already screwed up so bad, I have to do the best I can the rest of my days for them, and all of my family.

      Mil, I don’t know you, but I know you have people that need you and care about you.

      If only us cheaters could know and truly comprehend the full effects of infidelity on everyone involved… we could save everyone so much hurt. I had no idea that this “friendship” with the OM would destroy everyone and everything in my life.

    • Ahell

      Alone,
      I will tell you what i have told my H’s EA partner. She is a gentle, kind woman just like you who succumbed to my H’s pursuit. He made her feel wanted ,cherished and above all in love. This feeling is wonderful and makes you feel great even though it is not love at first sight. She was weak , she wanted to please him in every way and unfortunately they still work together. I guess it is as tough for them as it is for me…

    • CompletelyLost

      Holding on, your comments are so much like how I feel. Except I have come to a point with my feelings that I cannot bring myself to cry or be upset in anyway. I tell everyone (those who know what has happened) that I feel numb. I am currently unable to show emotion in any situation that I would normally do. I am currently attending college and so struggling to stay focused on my classes. I normally get extremely stressed about tests and I just don’t care anymore.
      We are supposed to be going through counseling, we when one time and because of his prior commitments we haven’t been able to go back.
      My H, gets so upset with me like I should be over it all ready and it’s only been a month since D Day. I am not certain I want to stay and work on this relationship. My H thinks we should revert to when we were in our twenties, he wants me to dress like a twenty something hottie when I didn’t do that when I was in my twenties. I know that I feel like we are miles away from each other when we are in the same room, yet he tells me he feels closer to me than ever before. I absolutely hate this. I can’t stand feeling this way. He is not in any way the man I married, we all change over time, but I am not willing to set back and be a door mat when he decides he isn’t happy with the distance between us.

    • BleedingHeart

      “Alone” and “mil” – if you see this message, could you please respond? It has been 12 years since you posted here. How are things with you and how are your marriages?

      I am a male and am 2.5 yrs since I learned about my wife’s affair that lasted 17 years (5/6yrs – EA, 8 yrs – full blown PA, then again 3 yrs – EA) with the same single man. I accidentally discovered it 2.5 yrs ago and, as far as I know, she stopped it after my discovery. We are trying to work on the incredible damage it caused. I am traumatized and devastated. Still having intrusive thoughts and visuals in my had… and probably PTSD. She has been very remorseful in the past year, but I am still in some kind of coma because of complete loss of our 20 yr marriage, and we have children, of course.

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