Reader Struggles With Why Husband Chose to End the Affair

end the affairThe other day I received an email from one of our mentoring clients who asked some questions about some of her feelings and thoughts related to why her husband chose to end the affair and stay in the marriage.  I believe many of you are either experiencing  these sort of thoughts now, or at least have in the past.

Since I could have written the exact email a few years ago, I think that my response might be helpful so I’m going to do something a little different today and share our correspondence.  (I’ve changed the names of course for privacy reasons.  I’ll call her “Jenny.”)

Jenny’s email:


Do you ever look at your husband and wonder if he is thinking of Tanya? I look at [my husband] often when he’s quiet or staring off into space and I can’t help wondering if he is thinking of her and what might have been.

I know these are my thoughts and I’m not positive he is doing it, but seeing as how I think about it all the time, I can only assume he does too. He tells me he doesn’t think of her at all when I ask but it would be ridiculous to think he doesn’t. How do I handle these random thoughts and when can I expect them to go away?

It should be said in the interest of background info for you that they are very much alike, personality wise. At one point, he told me she is him – meaning the female version of him. She is more outgoing, gregarious and in-your-face than I ever was and I find myself trying to be more funny and over the top as a result, which really doesn’t work out so well. Lol. It happens when I do something that he may not like or I act in a way he doesn’t like.

I constantly think he thinks things would be different with her. I am uneasy and insecure as well because he never really dumped her for me. There was no declaration, no actual choosing, no grand gesture…. I kind of made the decision for him and forced the situation because I knew in the end he wouldn’t want to lose his family or money or business.

Because of my choices and what I did, I don’t think I will ever trust that he did what he wanted. Am I wrong to want the “big gesture?” He never told her or his family that he stayed with me because he loved me. It was all about the kids, family etc. This really, really bothers me and I think of it often.


My response:


I could have written your comment.  I used to think the same thing but time and therapy has helped tremendously.  How long has it been since your D-day?  If it has been within a year, I would say that this is very common and expected.  However, in my case I kept thinking the same exact thoughts as you do for a very long time and it really took a hit to my self esteem as well as my recovery.

I also could not accept that Doug did not choose me but instead he chose our family and the package.  I would beat myself up for not being “good enough” or worthy of being loved.  I also believed the same ideals about the OW as you do – that she was outgoing, etc.  However, in Doug’s words, that was just a façade.  And when you really think about it, a person cannot be that way 24/7 and Doug only saw the positive side of the OW.  It is unfair to compare ourselves to a person that does not really exist.

Going to therapy really helped me with my insecurities and feelings of unworthiness.  My therapist told me that I have the OW way up here (as he pointed above his head), believing that she was some kind of goddess, and myself down here (the ground), believing that I didn’t have anything to offer.  It was true.   I did believe that and together we tried to figure out why I felt that way. It stemmed from my fear of rejection and doing everything and anything to feel loved, which went back to my childhood. 

It has helped me to be aware of these feelings and that they have nothing to do with reality.  I have worked on gaining back my self-confidence and believing that I am worthy of love.  It has really been a struggle for me and I often have to question if my actions portray someone who loves herself and is asking for what I really need and deserve in our marriage.

I know that for a long time I tried to be someone that I thought Doug would love.  Now I have realized that I need to be someone that I love.  If that isn’t someone that Doug wants then that is his problem, not mine. 

My suggestion (which I wished I would have done a long time ago) is to forget about the OW.  Stop putting the focus on her and focus on all the positive things about you.  I was keeping her way up there, which is the last place I wanted her, and almost brainwashing Doug about all of her positive attributes. 

Honestly, I think back and realize how crazy I was.  I wish I would have sought help for my issues long before I did.  The way I felt wasn’t really just about the affair and the OW, as it had been with me for a long time.  The affair just magnified my insecurities and made me crazy!

Please share in the comment section below if you’ve had similar thoughts and experiences so that others can benefit.

You may also want to listen to the short audio recording with Dave Carder on why men stay after an affair.  You can access it here.


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177 Responses to Reader Struggles With Why Husband Chose to End the Affair

  1. chiffchaff October 15, 2012 at 12:02 pm #

    I think that letter could easily have been written by me too. No grand gesture of love as a reason for working on our marriage from my H either, just reluctance from him for the early months, confusion, sitting on the fence and fantasy goddess worship. All of which led me to worry that he didn’t really want to be with me, it was just more practical to be with me than step out into the unknown with her.
    However, it’s all still a work in progress and progress has been good for a few months. The pedestalisation of the OW by me also revealed my deep seated insecurities about my own worthiness that probably came from childhood and a domineering narcissistic mother. I haven’t had one-to-one counselling and sometimes I think I really need it if I’m not to fall back into old ways of dealing with my, at times, poor self-worth. I have got into physical shape in a way I never thought possible but this still isn’t enough, even though the attention I now get from my H for my new shape feels so wonderful. I still, secretly, believe that he prefers her body and her personality even though he was in her actual proximity for less than 14 days total, the rest being virtual. It’s crazy, but sometimes emotions and long-held beliefs defy sense.

    • Peggy January 29, 2016 at 2:29 pm #

      I can so relate to your letter! His “affair” took place over a year before I found out. He met with her 4 times and swears he didnt sleep with her or want to after he met her.Yet I have hundreds of pages of Facebook messages that are about how much he wants her and how beautiful he thinks she is! She is no beauty queen ( I have seen photos) and he says he was trying to boost her self esteem .
      He never tried to boost my self esteem and even now he says ” I am real” and she was just a fantasy that he liked to text. He lied to me for a year after I found out. So it has been especially hard to heal. Even now I do not know if I have the whole story.
      I do not know why he didnt leave during that year. And I am haunted by why he stayed.

  2. Lilly October 15, 2012 at 12:03 pm #


    Your reply is heartfelt about your own experience, but it doesn’t address her main concern, that her husband stayed only to hold the family together. He didn’t feel enough for the other woman to leave his family, but that doesn’t tell her about his feelings for her, only that they are not bad enough to cause him to leave. I think this is the source of her anxiety.

    I agree she needs to stop trying to be someone else and root herself in who she is because being herself all the time is the best way she can live. Still, enhancing her self confidence doesn’t guarantee anything about her H’s feelings. My suggestion would be to talk to him about this matter directly and be prepared for a possibly unhappy answer. Only the truth from him can ease her mind, one way or the other.

  3. Surviving October 15, 2012 at 1:44 pm #

    I can see the letter writers issues and insecurities, if I was in that position in the back of my mind would be the thoughts what happens when the kids are grown up and out of the house will he still want me?
    But maybe he is telling the truth and he doesn’t think of the OW, maybe he is over her and she doesn’t mean anything to him anymore.
    She needs to be herself if he wanted the OW he would have left her for the OW many men do.
    Hopefully they are building “their” future together.
    and this will help her in moving forward.

  4. ChangeisGood October 15, 2012 at 3:39 pm #

    The hardest thing for me was to go back to the me before we were married. I was fun, social and outgoing. After we were married his mood dictated how i was going to act. If he was in a bad mood I stayed right by his side and did not talk to anyone. It caused less issues that way. After his EA I said no more..I am going to be myself. It was such an eye opener for me. All of the times i allowed myself to be manipulated into it all being about him, because it was easier. I have told him and i truly believe that i have attributes that make me who i am and i really like myself. I am proud of what i stand for and i would never do what he did. I do not have insecure issues and if he liked himself he would not need to hear someone elses ‘fluff’. If you get the chance i would recommend The Mastery of Love, by don Miguel Ruiz. Happiness starts from within…The Four Agreement by him is also very good….

  5. DJ October 15, 2012 at 4:32 pm #

    I also could have written that letter. It often feels like there was no closure, no firm decision on his part to choose me over her. In fact, I have the letter where he told her he would love her forever, but he needed to fulfill his obligations to his family, and that he would continue to hope and pray for a day when they could be together.

    He has said that he was just trying to let her down gently, but I didn’t buy it for a long time, and I still obsess over it sometimes. Just last night we were in the car and I turned on the radio to a Christian station. It’s generally safer ground than other stations where we might come across a love song that they shared with each other. Well, as it turned out, that Christian station was playing one of those love songs. I suppose it’s on the stations’ playlist because it’s a good, clean song where prayer is mentioned. But the song came out during his affair and he lit up to hear it. He asked me what station is still playing that song. His reaction brought tears to my eyes because I felt it reminded him of her. He noticed the strain in my voice and he turned it off. Then he was mad at me the entire evening.

    He never said anything about it, but when we went to bed, I guess he had started feeling badly about it because he made sure I fell asleep feeling very satisfied (blush!). Never said a word, but that’s par for the course with him.

    So anyway, yes, I still struggle with his feelings for her and for me, and how he feels today. It doesn’t help that my husband refuses to speak my love language or work with me to get through this. But he speaks his own love language to me, and he did so in a big way in the last couple of weeks. I am learning to “hear” his language and receive it. It doesn’t work as well as hearing my own language, but it’s all I get.

  6. ChangedForever October 15, 2012 at 8:02 pm #

    The ‘ghosts’ of my H’s affair(s) with the other women throughout 6 years of our 27 yrs of married life will always be with me…and that sucks, but its the way it is.
    Surroundings while driving, TV shows with scenes of intimacy, those songs that come on the radio, all ‘happen’ with hurtful feelings. And i know they always will. I, too, ended my H’s PA, not him, I did. He mentioned he stayed because he ‘couldn’t imagine leaving our dog…or our kids,’ but not staying…for me. THAT supposedly came in time (staying for me.) do i believe it? …with each conversation we have where he remembers her ‘sense of humor,’ what she liked, what she ‘absolutely would never do with another man…’ where she used to park…remembering all of these ‘details,’ amazes me. Its been 2 years since i initially found out, 16 months since their last contact that i know of…
    I can’t help but think…when the kids all move out, or, if i passed away or the dog wasn’t with us…i still believe he’d go right out looking for ‘her.’ …the PA partner (& wow, have i found out what a low-life this thing is.) …but until he starts to do the work on him (like how the hell could he have pursued and then consummated his affair with this wacko,) i believe i’ll always feel like i too am ‘his fulfilling his obligation.’ After all, we both know he would have been the absolute laughing stock of all time, had he left with/ran off with ‘her.’ But he really did make me believe he planned to do this (in his actions if not his words.)
    I don’t recall having to struggle (thank God,) with thoughts of this ‘person’ who was 26 younger than my H, as being more attractive than i was…hell, she is 20 years younger than me, no job, a habitual drug user with some type of ‘father’ complex (my H was one in a string of much older, married men she’d screwed with.) And used abortion as her means of birth control. And THAT i learned from my H. I recall thinking ‘what i would have felt if MY daughter had wreaked this havoc into a family’s life.’ I believe i remember this so vividly as she’d written me an apology letter which began with, “Dear Mrs. —-.
    So hey, whatever happens, whatever he does, he knows the ‘rules’ now…and the boundaries. And if she’s that stupid to show up around my h or i (or if i hear she is back in town,) i have no problem with ‘contacting her parents’ …again. Just like i did before. And that seemed to work. After all, his affair partner was of age not only to have been his daughter, but also mine! God forbid.
    Linda, i know you advise to stop thinking about the AP…but to me, its impossible for now. Maybe someday…maybe when i’m much farther ‘away’ from it…

  7. Gizfield October 15, 2012 at 8:39 pm #

    No offense, Changed, but it sounds like this guy is “reminiscing” , not doing something beneficial but actually recalling what he considers to be his “good times,”. If does not think what he did was wrong, he will do it again. That is why I am divorcing my husband. He only broke off with his tramp because I threw him out of the house. He finally admitted that he thought I was invading his privacy, I can’t tell him what to do, sneaking around talking, texting, god knows what with a road whore behind my back and lying about
    it was not “wrong”. Not sure why, cause they’re “friends ” lived in the same apartments 20 years ago, lived in the same shitty little town

    • ChangedForever October 16, 2012 at 10:55 am #

      Giz, thats what i take it for … ‘Reminiscing,’ and thats why it hurts. However, whats actually happening is him answering my questions as they relate to ‘how?’ I , for the most part, have not ‘accepted’ that this affair happened. Not to me, not to MY H…there are ‘days’ i believe i’ve come to the point of acceptance, but longer periods of time to find that i have not ( and may never.)
      I believe he has forgotten the crude comments he made to me over the period of time, right after initial discovery, while he was in withdrawal. But i don’t forget…but distance of time from those comments, lessens the pain, a little. (I.e., when he said the times with her may have been the best of his life.)
      But that is …for now…one of the wounds that opens once in a while as i’ve chosen to stay or, not kick him out.
      But i could have, had it only been just me, if i didn’t have our 3 children at home, etc., etc. THAT is my sacrifice, in addition to living with all of this…will it be worth it? Time will tell.

    • suzie suffers October 23, 2012 at 8:22 pm #

      You could have written some of the words from my life. He didn’t ever think what he did really was wrong. Some of the major affairs (OMG) would start with him telling me he wanted a divorce….then to the woman….then it would fall apart and back to me….and then sometimes it was just out with a woman behind my back during his drug and alcohol days…although his womanizing really soared after he stopped drinking…so did his escaping. But it was always that I should be over it……….because now he was going to be better…….each time and then he blamed me because I investigated or asked him questions or invaded his privacy by having access to his phone log or email…but that didn’t stop him from still hiding and deleting emails…I’m sure he probably had secret ones too…I just never found out. As he said….I was up his “a$$” about him having interactions with women in AA or Alanon (now his favorite fishing spot) or his self employment work he did. I’m still working through the betrayal of the lies….telling me up until the day HE left that I was the love of his life….later to find he was still lying to me, but felt they were just white lies and I should not have gotten so worked up about them…he was just protecting me from getting upset about something that was innocent…saying if he told me about an encounter with a women from AA or some other place I would be upset…and if I found out and he didn’t tell me I would be upset!! HEY…try the tell me and see…I might not jump for joy that you are creating a friendship with a woman that I don’t know…but let’s see where that goes and work through what I need to feel safe………Obviously that wasn’t to be….he didn’t feel he owed me that much intrusion into his life…..So he bailed. It’s hard after 35 years but everyone tells me I’m better off without him…Once a serial cheater…it’s hard to turn them around…even if he did stop drinking…he never really wanted recovery to be a better man…..

  8. Gizfield October 15, 2012 at 8:47 pm #

    Anyway, for wherever reason, if he has some little clause defending himself or his relationship, he is not only a risk to continue with this person or any number of others. I mean is the criteria is it’s somebody they knew before, or have mutual friends, or the same school or what, where does it end??? I guess the only thing of limits is just a random person you meet in a bar and never see again. In the future, ie future relationships, I will just absolutely not tolerate this crap. One strike and you are OUT.

  9. Disappointed October 16, 2012 at 12:25 am #

    I so badly want to be chosen and regain my husbands love and admiration, but instead he has asked for an open marriage with no rules but don’t ask, don’t tell. I can’t agree. It is all over. He just hasn’t told me yet. The OW has been out of the picture for almost a year. He is with me 3-4 nights a week at our home so none of this makes sense to me. I suppose even if he wanted to try I would always wonder if he settled for me. You see she was NEVER going to leave her husband and 2 kids. It was all a game played via text and email. My life is irreparably damaged so that he could boost her ego and she his. And he says he still thinks about her. My only hope left is once he is on his own that he will finally miss ME and realize he has made the biggest mistake of his life. If not, my wish is for my love for him to finally die so I can find happiness and eventually someone who will appreciate all that I am and am willing to give and share. And someone who is faithful. I would not wish this on anyone. I have never experienced such anguish.

    • Rachel October 16, 2012 at 7:44 am #


      My h also asked for an open marriage when he confessed to an ea with his ex girlfriend from 30 years ago. Something that i could not agree on. He was not giving her up. They too stroked each others ego and she was not leaving her husband.
      He misses her like an alcholic misses a drink and if he were a betting man he would bet that they would some day be together.
      I wasn’t going to live a life in questions. Lack of trust. He doesn’t want me. And I am three days away from the “cooling off” period of our divorce and then the proceedings will start.
      I deserve better. I want someone who will love me for me. We deserve someone who is faithful. This is such heart ache after 25 years of marriage. He’s tradeing me in. But that’s ok because I will be happier with someone that truley loves me.
      Our stories are so similar. Good luck to you and follow your heart.

      • WriterWife October 16, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

        My husband also asked for an open marriage shortly after D-day. I told him that I might consider it down the road but that I’d have to first feel secure in our marriage and until we reached that point it wasn’t going to happen or even be a possibility. I also said that even if we did end up with an open marriage in the future, there would be rules and the first is that it would never ever be acceptable for the OW to be involved in any way.

        I think my husband was reaching for anything that would allow him to have his cake and eat it too. I know he’d had fantasies of finding a way to include the OW in our marriage since she was already our best friend. There is a world of difference between a consensual open marriage and a marriage where a spouse is just conducting his affair out in the open.

        For me, the foundation of a working open marriage is a healthy underlying marriage. And any marriage still mired in the after effects and recovery of an affair is not healthy.

  10. WriterWife October 16, 2012 at 2:50 pm #

    I’ve found myself wanting a grand gesture as well. My husband and I are doing well and there are times I find myself wanting to ask, “So… you said you had to work on yourself and think things through before you could fully commit to me again… are you committed now?” I’d love it if he’d take a romantic moment to spontaneously apologize, beg my forgiveness, and tell me he’s completely committed.

    I think if I told him that he’d be surprised that his commitment is even a question. To him, he proves his commitment by going to therapy and working on us, to checking in with me if anything remotely comes up re: the EA (for example, the other day we were sitting at a light and the OW was in the car next to us. I pointed it out and laughed and a short time later he put his hand on my leg and asked if I wanted to talk about it). Every day he works for our marriage and that’s how he shows his commitment. He is here — if he weren’t committed he wouldn’t be here. But that doesn’t mean I don’t need to be told he’s committed. He and I just speak a different love language sometimes.

    And so I’ve decided that if I feel I need the grand gesture of his commitment, I’m just going to tell him I need it and not expect him to be a mind reader. I think it’s fair for the BS to question and I think it’s fair for the BS to then turn to the CS and say, “I’m having a moment of doubt/fear/anxiety, can we talk about it?” I think it’s fair to say, “I worry that you committed yourself to the family, but not to me as your wife,” and talk about it.

    Neither the CS or the BS is a mind reader and I think that guessing what the other is thinking/feeling can lead to confusion, second-guessing, etc. I think we can be open and honest about what we need with each other and give our partners the opportunity to meet those needs.

  11. Natalia October 16, 2012 at 3:56 pm #

    I see that some of you have mentioned that their husbands want an open marriage. I don’t know about you all but I don’t like to share anything, much less my husband, with another woman! Maybe some people can handle that, I sure can’t. My husband would never even consider it because he wouldn’t like to share me with some other man.

    • Rachel October 16, 2012 at 9:00 pm #

      Well Natalia,

      You are lucky. My husband wanted an open marriage and he wanted me to have an affair with another man. And the best part is he wanted to watch. Not much love there. Tell me what devoted husband would request something so discusting as that.. This is a very sick man that only thinks of himself. My life will be better once this divorce is finally over!!

      • WriterWife October 17, 2012 at 11:25 am #

        While I completely understand and respect your opinion that an open marriage isn’t something you’d be interested in or that you find appealing, I do think it’s important not to judge others who don’t feel the same way. I think that after an affair a lot of CSs become very selfish and they propose an open marriage out of a desire to have their cake and eat it too and that’s not something I support.

        However, I’m hesitant to brand someone who has an open marriage or a kink that involves watching their spouse with another person as disgusting and sick. If it’s healthy and works for their relationship, that’s what matters.

        The reason I say this is because I feel that I repressed a lot of my own sexuality because “everyone” knew that certain things/acts/desires were “disgusting” (even things that I’d now consider fairly vanilla). It’s taken a lot of time with a sex therapist to learn how to embrace what turns me on rather than hate myself for my interests (which honestly, really aren’t that far outside the mainstream). I think we do a disservice to each other when instead of saying, “this isn’t for me,” we call something sick and disgusting.

        The beauty of this community is that we come from all walks of life and we’re here to support each other in something we have in common: that we’ve been involved in an affair either as a BS or a CS. Our goal is for all of us to find a path to a healthy life, whether that’s a healthy marriage or a healthy sense of self after divorce. How we define healthy is up to each of us individually and for some it might be vanilla and for others it might involve a little kink and that’s okay.

  12. Surviving October 16, 2012 at 10:08 pm #

    I had no idea there were these H that wanted open marriages, if that’s what you call this type of arrangement.

  13. Disappointed October 17, 2012 at 9:03 am #

    Discovered last night that my H got a hotel room during the day before I went in for surgery a week and a half ago. Saw a suspicious atm withdrawal at a holiday inn and called hotel pretending I left my earrings there but could not remember the room number. He had a room. And the worst part is I dont even think it was the OW. I think he met an online hookup or pro. This straw broke this camel’s back. I am shattered. There is a rock where my heart once was. I mean less than nothing to him. It is time I learn to treat him in like fashion.

  14. Natalia October 17, 2012 at 11:45 am #

    Disappointed: I think it’s time to confront him and show him the evidence. His behavior is outrageous. And yes you should show him you’re not going to put up with this crap.

  15. DaTribe October 19, 2012 at 9:49 am #

    So, a little different perspective here. My wife never “chose” to end her affair. Her lover is the one that ended their affair… When everything was revealed, she told me how much she enjoyed talking to him on the phone, how much she enjoyed her time with him physically and sexually. She mentioned that they had a lot in common. I read email correspondence to her friends, and journal entries to herself where she spoke of how “smitten” she was with him. How she felt like a school girl. He’s taller, younger, better looking, makes more money…. It still scares the hell out of me that she will leave me for him, should he come back for her.

  16. Cindy October 19, 2012 at 9:52 am #

    DJ. The Ow showed me a text that my husband had sent her. It stated that he was staying with his wife because of family obligations and that he would love her forever and live out the rest of his life miserable with his wife an think of her (ow) every day. When I saw that text I felt like I ha been kicked in the stomach and actually felt sick. When I spoke with my husband about this text he insisted he didn’t write it. Insisted she wrote it to hurt me and get me to leave him. To be fair, it doesn’t sound like anything my husband would ever say to anyone. However, it eats me alive to thjnk it may have been true. I find myself wondering every day whether he just settled. His basic motto in life is “it is what it is”. You take what you have and make the best of it. His motto coupled with that text makes me insecure and unsure of myself. He says he loves me and only me, he has apologized and he try’s every day to reassure me and make me feel like I am the chosen one. But again I am the one that forced him to give her up. He didn’t or couldn’t do it. I know that time heals, and the thoughts and images will fade away ; however, that text will never leave me

    • Rick October 20, 2012 at 10:43 pm #

      Hi Cindy, I agree with much of what Amanda replies with. It’s funny how if we saw this happen to a friend, our answer would be easy to realize but once your in the middle and a target is on your back, it’s funny how confusion sets in and you accept anything out of desperation.
      Earlier in this article, Linda stated something that is a true as anything. That the affair magnified her insecurities from her past. She understood this from hearing it from her counselor. I, myself have heard the same thing. It’s how we look at ourselves that matters. I would be nice if we could find these problems out when everything was going well but it’s in trauma that the pain strips away the facade we carrying out of protection.
      My Pastor once said, “That the hurt your going through now is bumping up against the pain from a past hurt that wasn’t resolved.” How true. Find a professional. Fix what needs to be fixed. You’ll find yourself stronger and happier with yourself in ways that you could only dream about. As Linda said, If he’s not happy with her the way she is, then that’s his problem. That’s attacking the problem with strength.
      I, myself have been in a state of shock for the last year and a half. But thanks to this website and the articles from Linda, a good counselor, and a very good friend who stepped up and told me what I needed to hear, I am putting the pieces together of my life and moving on. Her loss.
      What my friend told me wasn’t what I should have done, or how could I let her get away with things. How my actions in response were weak. What he said was the opposite. He told me, I tried to save the relationship out of love and faith in her. That it was her choices are the ones that caused the pain. Our problems before the affair were ours together but the affair was all hers.
      Also one important thing that I think we are all hoping for. He stuck up for his friend. Like he said’ : I will never like her for what she did to my friend. How dare she throw away 7 years of his efforts, especially with her out of control kids and bail out because she felt sorry for herself. She deserves this guy.”
      Felt good to here that. You deserve better too. I am sorry for the cruelty that the OW did by showing you that text. Live evens out in the end. You handled it with grace. Forgiveness will come but it’s a process. Take your time and find yourself. It will only make the marriage better if you choose to continue on. Good Luck

      • Gizfield October 20, 2012 at 11:29 pm #

        I dont know about everyone else, but I did not stay with my husband because I am insecure in any way. I stayedbecause I thought he was a decent man and I thought we could build a good life for ourselves and our daughter. If anyone is insecure it would be him because I have ALWAYS told him in no uncertain terms that I will not tolerate another woman in his life and did not plan to “compete” for my own husband. The fact that he chose to lie to me shows that he knew I did not want him if he wanted someone else. He used the fact that I do not “believe” in divorce and that I feel it will be harmful to our child against me, thinking I would not leave him for those reasons. He was wrong. A person wil only take so much. He KNOWS I never would have stayed married if he were truthful about continuing his “friendship” with another woman in secret.

      • Amanda October 21, 2012 at 8:56 am #

        Thanks for the nice comment, and I agree forgiveness is a process if you stay in the marriage or leave.
        I also agree with your comment of confusion and desperation. I know for myself, it took my divorce for me to see how unhealthy our relationship was, and the effects it had on me. I agree we do deserve so much better, then a
        spouse who cheats on you.
        I am a happier person now that I’m freed from bein in a relationship where I was cheated on.
        Rick, I am glad that you can see that you also deserve so much better.

  17. Cindy October 19, 2012 at 10:05 am #

    And I know this sounds ridiculous but I too wonder what would happen if I died. I thjnk he would run back to her before I was in the ground. We have been married 22 years and he has ha no contact with her (that I know of) in 11 months. She has moved on and has a live in boyfriend but I know she would take him back in a second. I know my thoughts are destructive and ridiculous but I have them. Sometimes , I think I’m really mentally unstable to be thinking the way I do. Even after 11 months of no contact I still try to keep him happy and walk on eggshells so as not to disappoint him because I’m worried about her. I don’t act like myself. I used to be very confident and sarcastic and I had a more than healthy ego ( which was probably a bad thjng at times) Now , I am a puppy looking for reassurance, and kudos and affirmation. He has actually told me he likes my personality better before , big ego and all. Lol. Well if you likes it before, why did you cheat? I often wonder whether I fought so hard to keep him because I didn’t want her to win. And he has admitted that he wonders if that was my motivation as well. So now we both have post affair issues

    • Amanda October 19, 2012 at 10:33 pm #

      You mentioned “Even after 11 months of no contact I still try to keep him happy and walk on eggshells so as not to disappoint him because I’m worried about her.”
      Cindy its your husband’s responsibility to remain faithful to you and there should have never been another woman in the first place.
      You need to be yourself, and if he doesn’t appreciate and
      respect you for who you are, then that’s his problem.
      You are no way responsible for his choice of cheating
      he made that poor choice for himself, which shows that
      he didn’t repect himself either. If he didn’t respect himself, its a little hard to give respect to others who are
      around him.
      This other woman is the least of your problems, the problem lies within your own husband. He had no
      business allowing himself to become involved with another
      woman when he is a married man. He disrespected you and your marriage.
      Don’t let his foolish behavior steal your joy or your happiness, your worth and value are not determined by someone elses irresponsible foolish behavior, so stop
      walking around on eggshells.
      Cindy you can only control your own actions, and not that of someones else’s. His actions will have their own natural consquences.
      Start living again and enjoy your life, don’t let his affair
      steal and rob you of doing things for yourself that bring you
      joy. Forgive him!

  18. Trying Hard October 19, 2012 at 12:41 pm #

    I too could have written this letter and is something with which I struggle. My H was dumb enough to hire the OW into our business. She begged for the job. More to the point has anyone got any idea how the OW thinks about why he left her and went back to his wife? Does she really believe that he will always love her but just can’t be with her??? I doubt it. She’s probably hurt and mad that he went back to his wife. Does she not realize that he lied to her more than he lied to his wife? Does she now see that she only worked because it was a big secret and NOT because she was some kind of love goddess? I am believing that better than the grand gesture of rejection of the other woman it IS better to just never have any contact with her again and let the cockroach crawl back into her hole and look for a new victim. What do you all think?

  19. Cindy October 19, 2012 at 12:53 pm #

    Wow. That is so true! Omg. Until this moment I never really thought about how rejected she is feeling! Even if he did speak words about their future or whatever lies he told her to keep her hanging on, in the end no matter how it ended, she was the one that was rejected! Yay. But I’m not gonna lie, I would rather he said I am staying with my wife because I love her and can’t live without her. Lol. More of a slap in the face. But he did tell me that he felt guilty all the way around and didn’t want to hurt her any more than he had. Blah blah. But your words do give me some peace. 🙂

    • Trying Hard October 19, 2012 at 3:51 pm #

      I’m so happy that maybe I’ve given you a different way to think of it and TRUST ME I too would love that romantic knight in shining armor to say “Hey I love her” too. But guess what that’s a fantasy that we women buy into. My husband is just not a very expressive person. Never has been AND I think most men are that way. Has your husband ever been very vocal about his love for you? ie shouting it from the rooftops “i’m in love with this woman” kind of expressive? Probably not so for him to say to her what we want him to do just isn’t going to happen. Also I think they are afraid to say what they need to say for fear of what she would say back and maybe he wouldn’t have the right answers. Now if the B….ch contacts him in any way and he doesn’t tell her F off and under no circumstances does he ever want to hear from her again, that’s a different story. Just believe, she’s the one who got dumped and she is miserable. HAHAHAHAHA

  20. Surviving October 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm #

    The OW sent my H an email 18 months after DDay saying to him how much she misses him and how she should have known he would not leave me.
    My H forwarded it to me. It broke my heart to even read those words my H says he never discussed leaving me with her.
    So I’m left with either this was all in her fantasy world or my H is lying to me.
    Our DDAy was me overheating a conversation he was having with her telling her he just can’t do this anymore, then him saying no he couldn’t do something 3 months later she wanted him to attend with her his excuse he’s busy and it’s his parents anniversary and grandson birthday.
    I would much rather have heard I love my wife and what we are doing is wrong.
    But he didn’t and maybe that gave her false hope for all those months, who knows

  21. Cindy October 19, 2012 at 2:12 pm #

    Exactly! A simple ” I love my wife” would have made a difference in my mind. Still would be an affair, heartache, trauma, still cheating etc. but in my head if he could have at least said that to her it would have been a little better? Maybe it’s just my ego. Who knows? The OW did tell me tht my husband told her that I was the love of his life. At the time all I heard from her was the “WAS”. Maybe he did tell her and she didn’t care.

    • chiffchaff October 25, 2012 at 12:35 pm #

      I still remember helping my H write his email to the OW at Christmas stating absolutely no contact. I told him to write ‘I still love my wife’ and he turned and said ‘do I have to write that?’ – it killed me and I left the next day. He was like a zombie at that time, even his own brother didn’t recognise him that’s how bad he’d made things by his backsliding cowardice.
      I also recall her response to that email ‘that wasn’t written by you, it was written by those who would seek to control you and stop you living your dream life’. That at least set out what her fantasy about their relationship was – that she was setting him free from some sort of control that he was powerless to withstand. bizarre. she must have had a low opinion of him.

  22. Cindy October 19, 2012 at 2:18 pm #

    Surviving – Tht is one of my fears. That she will contact him in the future. He probably would never tell me because he would know I would go ballistic. But it’s always in the back of my mind. What if we are having a bad day or week etc when he gets the email…… I told him that I would want to know if she ever contacts him again but I think he wouldn’t tell me. At least your husband showed it to you and is being open and honest

  23. Surviving October 19, 2012 at 2:30 pm #

    To be honest I was surprised that he did. I had so many conversations with him that he had to tell me or it would be the ultimate betrayal. She sent it to his work email so there was no way I would have known. When he got the email he called me and forwarded it to me.
    This was the turning point in our recovery and I told him this.

    Prior to this I would go ballistic about things, after this I am much calmer.

  24. Surviving October 19, 2012 at 2:33 pm #

    You contacted the OW or did she contact you?
    Did you know her prior?

  25. Cindy October 19, 2012 at 3:10 pm #

    The ow was a friend of the family. Still talks to my mother and sister in law to this day. They all knew what was going on and never told me. When I found out I contacted her just to talk on phone and she suggested we talk. I met her in a bar. I think she actually thought that if she told me everything that I would just leave him. It was like a last ditch effort on her part. And believe me she told me some painful hurtful things. But she also heard some painful truths from me as well. She thought I knew all along and was going to Divirce him. She was shocked when I told her I had just found out. Like seriously , did she really think I knew and just turned a blind eye!! That was technically my dday. Before that day I thought they were having an EA. she told me about the physical part in graphic detail. It was after this meeting tht my husband finally told me everythibg

    • Trying Hard October 19, 2012 at 4:05 pm #

      I cannot believe your mother talks to this woman. Another betrayal. Does she have to talk to her or something? I hope she is reminding her what a low life pig she is for interfering in your marriage by have a relationship with your husband/her son in law! Mom would be getting a talking to 🙂

    • Gizfield October 19, 2012 at 5:41 pm #

      I agree, my mother would have never betrayed me like that. She probably would have kicked her ass for me, especially if it was threatening her granddaughter. Unfortunately, my mother is dead and would never have dreamed I would have a child.

  26. Natalia October 19, 2012 at 3:19 pm #

    Surviving: Sometimes men are not very bright and they don’t always say the things we need to hear. But if we don’t tell them, they won’t know because they can’t read our minds. I have told my H that I want him to love me the way I need to be loved. I want him to do and say things that will make me fall in love with him all over again. In other words, I want the romance he took away from me and gave it to the skanks that didn’t deserve it and didn’t earn it. We’ve been married for 29 years. 29 years in which I gave him unconditional love and trust and what did I get in return… crap! Well, those days are over, either he romances me, puts me on a pedestal and begs for forgiveness or I’m done. Fortunately for me (and him) he’s doing all that and more. It’s been 2 years since Dday and I now have the marriage I deserve! I too wondered why he stayed with me and I came to the conclusion that no one will ever love him the way I do and he knows it. Those idiots only stroked his ego because they needed something from him (work related favors). Once he stopped helping them out work wise, they ignored him.

  27. Surviving October 19, 2012 at 3:57 pm #

    So true everything you said. I asked him why he ended it with her he said because he just got tired of her and all her problems and she didn’t really care about him.
    I guess it was a nice ego boost to be the mentor and knight in shining armour for a minute.

    • Gizfield October 19, 2012 at 5:22 pm #

      Thats the EXACT same story I got, Surviving, almost word for word. “All she ever does is bitch about her job and her kid”. Nice, so THAT is what you gave up your family and marriage for??? Dude, seriously?

      • tryingtoowife October 21, 2012 at 12:07 pm #

        Surviving, Gizfield, Cindy – I also had a serious problem with this. Although I only found out about the affairs over a month after my husband ended it, and trying for over 2 months, and the OW woman was subjecting my husband to terrible threats, and he was sick with worries she would carry it out, but he did not tell me. He was stressed, but then he was back to being the wonderful man I once knew. Because he did not go back to her, she contacted me! Nice!
        But up to them he never told her: “- I am leaving you because I love my wife!” instead he used the argument. “- You deserve better than this!” WTF?! or, “- I have to go back where I belong, with my family!” I questioned him and demanded many times, why not a simple I don’t love you and I love my wife? He said that he knew the was dealing with someone unstable and sick in her mind, and he was VERY afraid such statements would drive her even more mad. In the end, this sick mind person turned her vindictive mind towards me, because I prevented him from staying with her?! She is the lowest form of life I have encountered in my life!
        He also said that he got tired of her, because he realized that, she was self centered and selfish (obviously not like he was!!! lol), the kind of person that thinks that she always gets what she wants! And, started demanding more of his time and presents, and that he spent money on her!
        So, perhaps in many case they do no use the “I love my wife” way out for simple fear of retaliation? After all they were cowards then?! Although I WOULD have felt a bit better towards him, if he would have said it just plainly.
        Anyway, his last words to her, brings joy to my wounded heart! ” I feel nothing but but hate and contempt for you…! Oh sweet words!

  28. Surviving October 19, 2012 at 3:59 pm #

    How did you find out about the EA?

    Sometimes I think of contacting the OW…

  29. Gizfield October 19, 2012 at 5:36 pm #

    I would contact her, Surviving, and did. One time, which was quite enough. It didnt give her any “power”, over me like some people seem to think. I finally confirmed for myself what an idiotic twat this bitch is, and he could no longer claim she didnt think she was doing anything “wrong “. Plus, if I was messing with someones husband and they knew and did not confront me I really would believe she DIDNT care.

  30. Surviving October 19, 2012 at 5:37 pm #

    Maybe it was the same OW as she has her last AP was married.
    This OW has no real girlfriends! Once at the car dealership I turned to my H and said she has no women friends because they all see right through her.

  31. Surviving October 19, 2012 at 5:40 pm #

    Maybe I will your the first person who says to.
    I have dreams that I call her from his phone…. and she answers it thinking its him and its me.

  32. Gizfield October 19, 2012 at 5:58 pm #

    Surviving, I dont think this chick has many friends either. She is/was kind of a hanger on of a group of people who knew each other long ago. She and my husband lived in the same apartment building 20 years ago, approximately, and he had some sort of crush on her. We have mutual friends so I met her twice, before all this happened. I dont think she and the mutual friend hang out now but I could be wrong. And yes, I called her from my husband’s phone at 3 a.m. in response to a text she sent. she was such a whiny, stupid little bitch it made me mad, lol, that he didnt have better taste. I never for a second regretted it and would call again if I had it to do all over.

  33. Gizfield October 19, 2012 at 6:05 pm #

    She didn’t answer the first time, was probably suspicious due to the time. I sent a text saying it was URGENT that she call. Now, think about it. how f’d up is that? Can you imagine some man calling and texting you in the middle of the night with an urgent matter? What would your husband think? Course, since they lived in the same apartments 20 years ago and are “friends”, I guess it’s ok…lol

  34. Surviving October 19, 2012 at 6:09 pm #

    Huge smile on my face
    I just love it
    “Friends” for sure would call if it was urgent

  35. Gizfield October 19, 2012 at 6:39 pm #

    I know, right. Other women’s husband s are always my first choice for those middle of the night emergencies. Not 911, or one of my family members, or a friend but someone else’s spouse. It has ben over a year and some of the things that bitch said still make me laugh every time I think about it, to this day. What a dumass. Any jealousy I might have felt over this woman died immediately that night. Seriously.

  36. jianni October 19, 2012 at 7:15 pm #

    Cindy and Surviving –
    I am reading your comments and just wishing so much that my H would have told me his AP had emailed him on his birthday 20 months after D-Day.

    He made so many promises that he would let me know if she every did. I was really starting to get my trust back, because he had been acting so much more loving and more like his old self.

    However, she emailed him at work and he responded. However, they used an email address that I did have access to (he didn’t want her contacting him at work), and I was checking it for a Pay Pal order and saw and email that was returned because of a bad address. Of course, it was one he sent to her calling her “honey,” and “my love.”

    It has just opened up everything again, almost worse. She lives on the other side of the country, so there is no seeing her. And in a separate email he did tell her they should not continue contact (I think there were about 4-5 email exchanges in September), and she emailed back that she agreed. I saw her email referencing his, so I know he did send one.

    But, of course, I don’t know that he ever said “because I love my wife, we shouldn’t be in contact,” or “because I promised my wife there would be no contact.”

    I feel like I’ve been hit by another D-Day. I am stronger this time around, but it’s been very hard. I appreciate both of your comments above.

  37. Cindy October 19, 2012 at 11:39 pm #

    Lol. Not my mother. My mother in law and my sister in law! My mother would have kicked his ass

    • Virginia October 25, 2012 at 3:11 pm #

      I’m glad I’m not the only one with a bat poop crazy MIL! My MIL (who lives 10 hrs. away) watched our young son on more than one occasion so my H could reconnect with his H.S. GF aka “the skank.” My MIL had recently moved back to the city where the skank lives. Plus my MIL and the skank’s mother had rekindled their friendship. After I found out about my H’s EA and I confronted my MIL about her actions she said, “you are so much prettier than her.” (What is this 8th grade???) Then she tells me how she has shown the skank pictures of me and my family. The skank knew everything about me, yet my H and MIL kept me in the dark for 2 years about my H’s little reconnection adventure. After I found out I would sarcastically tell my H I should send her a thank you note for for being fat and disgusting when he finally saw her after their 3 month phone/email love connection.
      My MIL said she did nothing wrong. I no longer talk to her nor does my son…nobody needs a MIL/grandmother like that. And my H cannot visit my MIL’s city without me present. We went back last Thanksgiving and it was a disaster!

  38. Cindy October 19, 2012 at 11:52 pm #

    Surviving. – I found ou about the ea over time. She was a family friend and she started acting inapropriatly and saying little things that struck me as odd. Then they were texting each other because he was helping her fix a door and she was trying to get my son a job where she worked. I started to notice more and more texts. Then she would call him per names in front of me. I finally told my husband tht the texting was getting out of control and I started to feel uncomfortable but by then it was too late. He told me he wouldn’t text her anymore and I found out they were using a texting app that doesn’t show up on phone bill. I caught him like 10 times. But still, I was so naive I kept giving him more chances. I found out about the physical affair from her! After I found out he swore he would never see her again. Ha. I had a funny feeling and put a gps in his car and caught him red handed. He was furious with me!!! I think he was in shock that I actually put a gps in his car. Lol.

  39. Cindy October 19, 2012 at 11:58 pm #

    I never suspected anything because she was a family friend and she Is not his type (or so I thought). She is 6 inches taller than him and very heavy and blonde. He never liked blondes and she is not attractive at all. Very bossy, very arrogant, very ” in your face” and sarcastic. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I even told him once that I felt humiliated that he would throw me over for someone that looked like that. Lol. I will never ever be tht naive again! I catch every word, every nuance of his behavior now. Who knows, maybe I’m just paying more attention

    • Amanda October 20, 2012 at 7:46 am #

      It doesn’t matter what the other woman looks like, or that she was a family friend. Your husband broke boundaries within your marriage, he’s a married man and needed to behave like a married man, keeping your wedding vows of
      remaining faithful to you.
      He had no right to be furious at you when you caught him red handed breaking his marriage vows in his own weakness. There should never be another woman, he
      got swallowed up in his own selfishness, with no reguards to you or your feelings.
      Cindy your not naive, your a person who is loving and trusting, which is very normal, however what is not good
      is his deceit, that is his own personal flaw.

  40. Surviving October 20, 2012 at 12:26 am #

    A texting app that doesn’t show up? What is that? I never heard of it.
    I never never would have picked this OW for him, he couldn’t have chosen someone more completely wrong, besides being needy, un trustworthy and a pathetic excuse for a woman, she’s scrawny, a horrible mother getting into physical fights with her only child that involved the police being called…. Oh yeah she did call my H to discuss all this with him.
    What on earth was he thinking choosing someone like this?
    My therapist at the time said only a screwed up individual would get involved with a married man.
    I asked him what were you thinking? He said it took him 6 months to get to know her, really really this was a business aquaintance for over 20 years.

    What’s wrong with the MIL does she think her son is right in treating you this way.
    If any of my boys pulled this I would let them have it, no matter what I thought of the wife.

  41. Cindy October 20, 2012 at 12:35 am #

    I phones have numerous apps you can download on your phones. Texting apps assigns you a random number and tou can text back and forth without it showing up anywhere. My mother in law and sister in law don’t actually condone my husbands behavior but they did like the family friend more than me. I think it is totally disrespectful and hurtful that they still talk to her. Its a real slap in the face. I see them on holidays but I keep my distance now.

  42. Surviving October 20, 2012 at 12:55 am #

    Very disrecptful they are lucky you even go there for holidays.
    How would they feel if this happened to them, if your FIL had an affair with same OW would she still be welcome? Maybe they should worry as OW is free now maybe she’s after one of their spouses?

  43. Disappointed October 20, 2012 at 2:17 am #

    I have learned the hard way that people do not consider the BSs feelings if they are friends of the OW. If they really thought about the OW’s despicable actions they would have to give up whatever they get from the OW. The OW and I have a mutual friend who is closer to the OW lets call her Mary. Mary told me the EA just happened and talked like my H pursued the OW. I know it was the other way around and he was so flattered and only too eager to forget about me and our 17 yr marriage. But if Mary actual recognized what really happened she would have to give up that friendship. So, instead it just happened. If the roles were reversed, and the OW had pursued Mary’s husband I would never speak to the OW again after telling her how despicable I found her behavior to be. But I am the exception to the rule. People are very self-centered. Your pain is not their pain. And in fact they probably find it inconvenient. One of our oldest friends who knows what is going on told me they are not emotionally invested in my marriage so the outcome doesnt affect them. On some levels that makes sense to me, but others not. I think that cheating is unacceptable and if I knew a friend was cheating on his wife I would say something. And if the marriage came to an end I would ask him”do you realize what you are doing, how could you do this to someone who loves you so much?” But then again, I am the exception. It is a very painful lesson. In the coming months when my H and I reveal his choice to end the marriage I am sure I will see it over and over again. Even if they know the whole story – the EA, the ask for the open marriage, the additional sexual encounters covered up by lies – they will all maintain their relationships with him and I will be on my own. I am trying to brace myself, but I know it will be very painful.

    • Amanda October 20, 2012 at 9:26 am #

      I am divorced, and I have been in your shoes.
      When it came to my exhusband’s family members and our
      friends, I told them even though my marriage didn’t workout
      with my exhusband, I still had my own friendship with them
      and my friendship with them had nothing to do with my exhusband. This also showed them that they’re friendship
      meant something to me.
      Divorce doesn’t need to destroy everything around you, its
      ok to be friends and value those friendships even if they
      maintain friendship with an exspouse. Your friends should never be placed in a position of having to choose, between
      a couple who had split up, that not fair to them. Their your
      friends because you have your own personal relationship
      with them.
      I even have a close relationship with my exhusband’ family
      and my exhusband and I also get along now, and he’s remarried. Divorce is a breakup of a marriage, and it doesn’t have to destroy other relationships that either one of you have.

  44. Gizfield October 20, 2012 at 8:20 am #

    I had done a “rant” about the very topic of secret ways to maintain contact not long ago. I mean seriously, if they want to keep it up they will, and you likely wont know if they are smart which they are likely not. Not by their behavior, either. One day my husband had been working in his car, I was helpful, we were joking, laughing, “close”. He had to go to work afterwards. Looked at his phone, he was talking to the whore before he reached the end of the street. Nice.

    Android phones have TONS of secret text apps, and you cannot detect them. I should know, I have one installed myself, I wanted to see how it worked . You have to assign a secret five digit code to even get it to come up. I believe it stores texts til you want to read them, maybe forward them to another number, auto delete after reading. Depends on how you set it. close it, no evidence ANYWHERE that I have ever seen. Makes you wonder why people develop these sort of things doesn’t it? So if you are lucky enough to find a person’s secret code, and they let you have their phone to access it, the little secret text app will patiently hide for it’s master til the code it’s entered, then Voila! Let the secret texting fun begin. It’s ingenious really. Just like James Bond.

  45. Cindy October 20, 2012 at 8:28 am #

    Knowing my in laws still talk to te ow has actually caused quite a few arguments between my husband and I. It is like an open wound tht won’t heal. I know they talk about me an the ow fills in my jnlaws on her daily life and how hurt she was and blah blah. Dealing with this affair and it’s aftermath is difficult enough without adding that to the mix. I told my husband at one point that it would be easier for everyone of he has chosen a stranger tht know one knew. His choice made it a very public and extra humiliating experience. When I met up with the other woman for our showdown, she actually told me that my mother in law an sister in law were routing for her as If it were a competition. ! What kind of jnlaws actually want to break up a 22 yr marriage with 2 grandchildren? My husban and I are really trying to rebuild our marrige but every holiday or occasion that I have to see my in laws just brings up all those negative feelings again. It’s a constant reminder that will never go away. I hear everyone on this site say that over time the thoughts of the affair lessen and the pain subsides , however, in my situation it’s just going to be an ongoing nightmare. I should tell you all tht I was very close to my mother in law and sister in law all throughout our marriage. My sister in law and I were best friends! We own a business, I have raised 2 great kids in college, I have worked our entire married life, I cook and clean and entertain and have always loved my husband and treated him well. My in laws reaction to this situation has come out of left field and it’s going to be very hard for me to move on and heal knowing they still have contact with her. I expressed my concern to my mother in law several times and all she will say is that she was friends with the OW for years and will continue to be.

    • Amanda October 20, 2012 at 9:48 am #

      What happened between your husband and this other woman had nothing to do with your mother inlaw.
      Your husband hurt you, he was unfaithful to you.
      Your mother inlaw’s relationship with this other woman has nothing to do with your husband cheating on you.
      Your mother inlaw and sister inlaw do care for you, and you were very close to them, don’t let what your husband
      did destroy those friendships.
      You need to separate this in your own mind, your mother inlaw and sister inlaw had no control over your husband’s
      cheating, he did that on his own.
      Their friendship with this other woman, also had nothing to
      do with your husband cheating, he did this.
      If he had kept his vows to you, your mother and sister inlaw
      wouldn’t have to be placed in this position.
      Their friendship with this other woman is their own friendship, just as they’re friendship to you is also a friendship.
      It to bad your husband didn’t use his head and think about
      all this before acting on his own selfishness.

  46. Gizfield October 20, 2012 at 8:32 am #

    There are also tons of free “secret” email accounts you can get too. No bill, so no evidence or usage data to check. Have a couple of those. Easy! Pick a provider, set up an account under an alias, or something spouse won’t suspect, get a goooood, secure password, sign out. When you want to email, go to company website, sign in, email, sign out, your done. You dont even have to delete the email as long as you erase the website link from your history, like or whatever showing you were there. You might can detect this if you do a whole computer scan which you probably wont, assuming they use that particular computer.

  47. Cindy October 20, 2012 at 8:35 am #

    Gizfield – all kidding aside , I actually believe the secret texting apps and the I phone and emails and technology out there played a big role in my husbands affair. It made it so easy for him to start up and continue this affair. I’m not being naive but it would have been much harder to carry out has it not been for these apps. I probably would have caught on much sooner and put an end to it before it graduated to a physical affair.

  48. Gizfield October 20, 2012 at 8:48 am #

    Cindy, to my knowledge my husband used his regular phone, text, email accounts, that is how I found out a lot of my info. He didn’t know I was watching. He “trusted” me not to “snoop”. Hehe, he was actually “appalled” I would invade his privacy. Delusional, I know, right. He works in the field of communication so I have no doubt he could communicate with this whore for years and I would never know, if he put his mind to it. my solution to this problems is to evict him from my house and not GIVE A CRAP who he communicates with. Problem solved.

  49. Cindy October 20, 2012 at 9:15 am #

    That’s funny. My husband was furious that I looked through his phone. I eventually put a key stroke program on my computer and a gps in his car. He said I invaded his privacy and he’s a grown man. I just looked at him and said ” are you freaking kidding me right now?”. After dday and showdown with skank, I kept the gps in his car for months with his knowledge. Told him it was the only way I would feel comfortable. He didn’t like being spied on at all, but it wasn’t about him at that point. It was for my peace of mind. I he had not been so open, and honest and transparent at that point, I would not have stayed and I think he knew tht.

  50. Gizfield October 20, 2012 at 9:33 am #

    Cindy, I just dont know what to think about your situation, that is horrible about your inlaws. My inlaws don’t know. I told his mother a year ago as a last resort..she believe d me I think. That was October 2011. Caught him in contact June 2012. Told her again. By this time he had apparently convinced her I was crazy, delusional, imagining things. He has been staying at her house since Tuesday, I think. About three weeks ago, I told him we were done. Quit speaking to him, excrpt occasional meltdown moment s here and there. He said, get this, he wasn’t PUTTING UP WITH IT. I’m like, I know you are not cause you are getting out of my house. Every time he gets snippy or smart as s with me, I am going to escalate the situation so he may want to rethink that. Anyway, back to your inlaws, I would say you can’t stop them being friends with this bitch, but I absolutely would not listen to any conversation about her. My FIL is known for inappropriate comments, and I have made it clear as soon as they start, I am out the door. It works, too. As for holidays, I would spend them at home, by myself, as necessary. You are being emotionally abused by these people, it is disgusting, and you are the only one who can stop it. and yes, all my inlaws have been insane!!

  51. Disappointed October 20, 2012 at 9:38 am #

    Amanda – thanks for your comments. The problem is I will not be able to be a friend to my husband or I will get stuck circlling in his orbit and nver move on. In times of great crisis I would be there for him, but I cannot be his friend and move on.

    All of this has to cost him something. Our friends are all very tied into our nonprofit and if we divorce the nonprofit will be closed down. I will no longer have regular opportunities to interact with people and he will. I am also sure I will get nailed for this, but what has happened to our world that a man or woman can cheat and behave despicably and others just say “that’s between them” or I am not involved emotionally. I still believe in right and wrong and what my H has been doing is very wrong. I will not ask people to chose, but it would be nice if some of them acknowledged that his behavior is not to be condoned. A few months from now I will be very much on my own, my life completely altered and they will all be going about their business like nothing happened without a second thought.

    • Amanda October 20, 2012 at 10:23 am #

      I do understand, healing from all this is a long journey, and
      filled with many tears of frustration.
      The world we live in can be very cruel at times, and people are going to hurt other people, and its wrong. We can’t control what others do, but we can control how we handle it.
      For myself I forgave, because the power of forgiveness was for me so I could let go of the past and not dwell in it
      so I could enjoy my life now. Even when others don’t deserve it, I did it for myself. This did not happen overnite, instead it happened little by little, I just kept forgiving all
      the painful memories as they would surface. In time I felt
      like my ole self again, but happier, not only did I forgive
      this, I had held on the things from years ago from other
      people who had hurt me, it was so freeing to let that
      all go and feel the weight of it all come off of me.
      I am a new person today, and I am so much more happier.
      I have learned the power of forgivness, and how good
      I feel when I don’t carry the past with me.
      I can’t imagine what kind of mess I would be in now, if
      I had held on to all that ugly stuff from the past. Instead
      I enjoy my life now.

  52. Gizfield October 20, 2012 at 9:51 am #

    Disappointed, my situation is the same as yours. All my friends are work friends, church friends, parents at my childs school friends. “our” friends are actually “his” friends. They are a group from his school, with a subgroup of people he is in a band with. I have no delusions I will even SEE Any of them again. His GF is also a hanger on of these groups. They think he is wonderful, probably would not believe bad of him even if I told them. just friends ! I’m a jealous, psychotic bitch. End of story.

  53. Gizfield October 20, 2012 at 10:02 am #

    I’m going to be serious here. I think people are horrified by adultery and divorce. If it happened to you, it can happen to THEM. All pesky reminders, like ex wives, need to be removed immediately! One of the most irritating things through all this is that it’s ALL fallen on me. My husband and his GF have denied all wrong doing, no one has even heard about it, excrpt MY friends, who all think I am/was insane for staying with this guy. His friends probably think I am LUCKY to have him. Hes such a “goooood man.”

  54. Surviving October 20, 2012 at 10:09 am #

    Is it possible you and your family can do something else fir the holidays? Go away somewhere?
    The more I read about the situation with the inlaws the more I agree it’s emotionally abusive.
    They should have just stayed out of it.
    Has your husband talked to them about this?
    If they don’t respect you then it’s really now his job to communicate with them .
    Does the SIL still work with you?

  55. Surviving October 20, 2012 at 10:15 am #

    I think your right about the friend thing so maybe they were really just acquaintances and not really friends at all.

  56. Gizfield October 20, 2012 at 10:15 am #

    Amanda, no offense intended, but it is my personal choice, and everyone else’s too, WHO and WHAT I choose to make this all about. There is no right or wrong, per se. It is just demeaning to others for you to continuously tell them what they should feel or think. If I want to “blame” somebody and their dog, that is what I will do. It is my situation, not yours. Sorry.

    • Amanda October 20, 2012 at 10:31 am #

      I understand your hurting, but in your pain your barking up the wrong tree. Your spouse hurt you, and that’s where your pain and anger come from.

  57. Gizfield October 20, 2012 at 10:23 am #

    And I am not “blaming” anyone for my husbands actions, I am “blaming” the Other Person for what THEY specifically did TO ME. Knowingly, willfully, and without one damn ounce of respect for me, my family, marriage in general, the laws of God, decency as a human being, women in general, etc. this crap takes two, not one.

    • Amanda October 20, 2012 at 10:41 am #

      Yes it takes two, but other woman had no vows to you, your husband did. He broke his vows to you. She was stupid
      for involving herself with a married man, but he was married to you and he hurt you.
      Gizfield its a long hard journey to heal from a spouses betrayel, it takes time even if you stay or leave, forgiveness is for you, and I wish you the best!

  58. Gizfield October 20, 2012 at 10:35 am #

    I rest my case. Please stop commenting on what you think my problem is, Amanda. Please.

    • Amanda October 20, 2012 at 10:48 am #

      I wish you the best, and I do hope you find peace, happiness, and joy again, take care of yourself.

  59. Surviving October 20, 2012 at 11:05 am #

    I too besides my husband blame the OW,
    Her email to my husband basically started out apologizing to HIM, and ended by saying she didn’t want to end a 20 plus year friendship.
    Well too bad no apology to me, and get over it the friendship crossed a line no going back
    What was she thinking when they went to their lunches did she ever think about me? When they had their two weekend days still no thought about me
    And after he told her it was done her emails and stopping by his office
    No there never was a friendship
    Because friends don’t to that
    She is a selfish ———
    She never thought of our four kids
    And utlimately didn’t think about my husband
    Because if she did she would have known his kids and family mean everything to him, and were there thru thick and thin and there were many thin years, she knew him during those thin years but he didn’t have the title and prestige then.

  60. Surviving October 20, 2012 at 11:11 am #

    I used to be a very “nice” person always helping at school,church and work.
    I was the one people could count on anytime
    Now I am untrusting, selfish and don’t trust many women

    I feel no pity for the OW

    If she’s sad because she doesn’t have a friendship actually wrong word an obsessive selfish conniving betraying relationship with him. I don’t care

    • Amanda October 20, 2012 at 11:53 am #

      I can not say this enough, for your own sake forgive.
      Please read Romans Chapter 12 verses 9 through 21.

  61. Gizfield October 20, 2012 at 11:40 am #

    I will say this, Amanda. Do you really believe that I thought a woman I do not even know made any vows to me? Or that anyone on here believes that? I GET IT, ok? If I didnt, I sure did after the seemingly thousands of times you said it. I have no beef with you personally, but you present your opinion like it’s fact, and it’s not. Neither is mine. I wish you well, seriously.

    • Amanda October 20, 2012 at 12:02 pm #

      When I repeat myself over and over on the power of forgiveness, I do it because it works.
      In Romans chapter 12 verses 9 through 21, I read this
      over and over many many times when I was going through
      my own divorce.
      Divorce is so heartbreaking and stressful, and you need to
      be able to grasp onto something that will carry you
      through this painful time.
      My faith in God has never let me down, even during the times nothing made sense, and all I felt was pain.
      I am healed today because of my faith in God.

      • Amanda October 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm #

        I need to amend my one sentence, I wanted to add infidelity, and also divorce are so heartbreaking and stressful.

        • Natalia October 20, 2012 at 2:04 pm #

          Amanda: I don’t mean to dismiss your opinion or well indention advice, nor do I have anything personal against you (I don’t know you), however I believe none of the people in this blog are at the point of forgiving their H or the OW (if ever). We are all still in shock of realizing that the person we love and trust could easily forget all that and look at another person and willingly dedicate time, energy, and sometimes love to that other person. It is very hard to accept the fact that our H betrayed us. So, even if you are trying to give us words of wisdom, they feel like adding salt to the wound. We are not at the stage where we can look at our H and think: “Oh, he deserves to be forgiven.” No, no, no!
          Our H chose to cheat, he knew what he was doing and he found a skank to cheat with. I’m sure more than one person here would like to take a swing at their H for ruining our life and grab that skank by the hair and yank if off her scalp (too bad we can’t) and your “good intentions” are annoying at this point. Maybe later when we’ve healed will we look back at your words and think differently.
          Another thing I don’t get is what are you still doing in this blog? You say you are healed, you have forgiven, you get along with your ex-H, so what gives? Sounds to me like you are wallowing in the past. I’m sorry, but sometimes your comments are just irritating. And by the way sometimes we write what we write just to vent and not necessarily to have someone answer quoting the Bible. No need to do that unless someone requests it. I’m sure everyone here has a church nearby they can go to to receive the word of the Lord without you having to preach it constantly.

          Just my opinion.

          • justbecause October 20, 2012 at 3:20 pm #

            I did take a swing at my H.

            • Surviving October 20, 2012 at 3:28 pm #

              Just Because ,
              Did it feel good?

              • justbecause October 21, 2012 at 11:24 am #

                Yes it did. Never done anything like that before. Didn’t plan it, it just happened. Open handed slap to the face – not condoning violence but a little release is sometmes called for!

            • Trying Hard October 21, 2012 at 9:42 am #

              Lol. I did too. Busted him right in the mouth. I wanted to smash a big Japanese plate over his head because it was handy. But I didn’t. Yes it did feel good and I don’t regret it at all

          • Anita October 20, 2012 at 5:36 pm #

            I do wish you the best, someday I hope you will understand the power of forgiving someone who hurt you.
            Please understand unforgiveness is like swallowing poison expecting it to hurt others. Also those who anger you also control your thoughts, because you keep thinking about them over and over on what thet did that hurt you.
            Take Care

  62. Gizfield October 20, 2012 at 12:13 pm #

    Amanda, I hate to hsve to say this but are you CERTAIN you have really forgiven? Because you want to make absolute certain that spouses ALONE bear any and ALL responsibility for adultery. They are up there on that cross of guilt being crucified ALL ALONE, but hey there was someone else, a co conspirator if you will, at the other end of that inappropriate text, email, phone call, hotel room, secret lunch, etc.

    • Amanda October 20, 2012 at 12:32 pm #

      We are all sinners and none of us are perfect. Yes both
      people who committed adultery were wrong. However if they have asked God for his forgiveness and have repented, God remembers their sin no more. Hebrews 8 verse 12.
      When God ask us to forgive others, its for our own sake,
      I forgave everyone in my past ordeal, along with myself
      because I wasn’t the perfect wife either. I had to look at my own self and I asked God to forgive me.
      I was guilty of my own sins, my exhusband was guilty of his sins and his affair partner was guilty of hers also.
      I believe God has forgiven all of us.
      I have had the time to heal and I see his former affair partner as someone who did something that hurt herself more than it did me.
      My exhusband and I get along fine, and he’s remarried to
      a very nice lady.

  63. Surviving October 20, 2012 at 12:39 pm #

    I’m fine with who I am now
    I see people for who they are and choose not to be a victim or to allow others to use me
    I don’t see any need to forgive the OW

  64. Surviving October 20, 2012 at 12:46 pm #

    I didn’t commit any marital sins
    Or any of the Ten Commandments

    My husband and the OW did if they want forgiveness that is up to them.

    Marital infidelity is grounds for divorce within my church that is how serious of an offence it is considered.

    I haven’t heard our priest say I should forgive someone who tried to destroy me and my family.

    And without any though or care that is what she tried to do.

    I’m not the first person she has done this to

    • Amanda October 20, 2012 at 1:28 pm #

      In the Lord’s prayer we say forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
      Matthew Chapter 6 verse 9 through 15.
      Verse 15 is pretty awaking.

  65. Disappointed October 20, 2012 at 12:59 pm #

    I will never forgive the OW or forget what she did. She is out of my life but she caused permanent damage. I was not a stranger, she was a friend. She knew how much I love my husband. Yes he broke his vows, but SHE pursued HIM and played games of flattery. My H is manic depressive and was very unstable at the time because he chose to sttop his meds cold turkey. I will always feel she took advantage of a bad situation. I shared a comment with her that I believe she twisted and used as invitation. I can forgive my husband the EA but I will not forget. But he is n a downward spiral and I think may be developing a sex addiction to medicate himself. It is alll very sad. But forgive the OW never! She forgot to be grateful for her life: a man who provides for her so she doesnt have to work and two kids. She was NEVER going to leave her husband. But she played with my weak H and pushed him over the edge. She still has her family and I will have nothing. Not the man I love and not the company we created which substituted for the family he did nnot want. He threw me away because of his feelings for her and even tho he doesnt get her, he no longer wants me. Because of hiis feelings for her he thinks he can. Never get in love feelings back for me. She dealt the death blow to my marriage with her games just to make herself feel better. I think God will understand. Let Him forgive her because I never will. And I wont let it fester. And poison me. It just is the way it is.

  66. Amanda October 20, 2012 at 1:00 pm #

    I forgave the other woman, because there is this old saying
    those who anger you also control you.
    By me letting go of my anger and forgiving her, she no longer has conrtol over my thoughts, and I can see she hurt herself more then me.
    I have no ill will towards my exhusband’s affair partner,
    her sin belonged to her and I am sure she has asked God
    to forgive her.
    She didn’t breakup our marriage, our marriage was on shakey groung to begin with.
    My exhusbnad used her as a means to exit our marriage.
    It shouldn’t happened that way but it did.
    I had the choice to be angry and misberable all my life or
    do what I did and that was to forgive.
    I now enjoy my life, because I have let the past go.

  67. Surviving October 20, 2012 at 1:07 pm #

    Each situation is different.
    There are people in this world that have no morals and
    no conscious.
    Your marriage was already broken.
    Mine wasn’t some women just go through life creating drama and playing with other people’s lives.

    Have you moved on to another relationship?
    If so are you completely trusting of your new partner?

    • Amanda October 20, 2012 at 2:10 pm #

      About a year after my divorce I regret to say that I became involved in a rebound relationship, and it didn’t last long because it was to soon after my divorce and I wasn’t ready to recommit my life to someone else at that time.
      By choice I have decided to stay single, because I like my single life, and the perks of it.
      I am past child bearing age and have children and grandchildren therefore I don’t feel rushed to meet someone else and start a family nor do I need that extra
      assistance in raising a family because my children are grown adults. I own my own home and make enough income to support myself.
      Without these other pressures I am content being single,
      and I don’t feel forced or the need to get involved with someone else.
      If a wonderful man comes along and we are right for each
      other then I may consider a relationship of companionship,
      verses the need to go out and find someone because of
      external pressures.
      Whether or not it happens I am content with the life I have now.

      • Amanda October 20, 2012 at 6:26 pm #

        My real name is Amanda, but I have gone by the name Anita on these posts I will answer to both, Anita or Amanda.
        I am fine using my real name Amanda, but I will also be fine with Anita also whatever is easier for you.

  68. Surviving October 20, 2012 at 2:15 pm #

    Your words were perfect!

  69. Gizfield October 20, 2012 at 3:20 pm #

    I’m so glad someone shares my point of view, Surviving and Natalia. If I wanted to hear how he/she/they/it did nothing wrong but yet should be forgiven for it, I could just talk to my husband or his GF. I’ve heard it thousands of times already.

  70. justbecause October 20, 2012 at 3:30 pm #

    So are we done with that subject . . . For what it’s worth, I’m with Natalia.

    My H had a “secret” email account. I discovered it by accident and therefore discovered the 20 month EA. Dday was 7 months ago. There has been no contct since. I did however, occassionally monitor this old email to see if she ever tried to contact him. She has not but I did find evidence that my H would get emails from people he had inappropriately chatted with (including men!) . I asked him about this. He was defensive, mad that I was checking up on him… I see now that he has cancelled this e-mail account. without telling me. What should I do? Be glad? I wish he would have told me he was cancelling it. He says me bringing up stuff hurts us. I say it will take time. He had his EA for 20 months – has only been 7 months of healing for me. The first 3 months I was in shock. I am doing good – actually I’m awesome.

  71. Surviving October 20, 2012 at 4:40 pm #

    Glad your doing great
    What helpful advice do you have?

  72. Gizfield October 20, 2012 at 6:55 pm #

    I do want to say that I have been able to forgive many, many people for a variety of offenses, from my mother giving me away as a baby, my father never even trying to contact me, my parents hiding the whole thing, my pathological liar ex boyfriend, my physically, emotional ly, mentally abusive first husband. Plus just the general minor wrongs from people I know. I’ve never found it to be a miracle cure or anything, it just happens and I have moved along in life. I do know it takes time and you can’t just “decide” to do it. so I dont sweat not doing it very much.

  73. Surviving October 20, 2012 at 10:11 pm #

    I’m glad you found this site and sharing your experiences

    Your words about forgiving resonate
    at this point it really isn’t my priority or of any great concern to care about forgiving the OW
    one day I do hope it’s just something I went through and I move forward
    Take care

  74. Gizfield October 20, 2012 at 11:16 pm #

    Thank you, Surviving, I truly hope I can help by sharing. I dont know about anyone else, but this site is very helpful in clarifying my thoughts in my own mind. I definitely dont have anyone to discuss this stuff with in real life.

    • Natalia October 20, 2012 at 11:40 pm #

      Gizfield, same here. I don’t have anyone to discuss my feelings about my h’s ea except him and he’s beginning to accept it. He used to cringe every time I brought it up but he now understands it’s the only way to get past it. The more we talk about it, analyze it, and turn it inside out, the less power it has over me. Soon it’s not going to be but a bump on the road. I’m glad I found this blog and have learned from others. It’s made me realize I wasn’t crazy when I stepped into this nightmare called Emotional Affair.

  75. Natalia October 20, 2012 at 11:30 pm #

    Forgiveness seems to be hard to deal with when we’re still in shock and hurt but it will happen if it’s meant to be. I personally don’t feel I need to forgive my h’s actions nor am I angry at him. As to forgiving the ow, she doesn’t deserve it and I don’t waste my time thinking about her. I am moving on nicely with my h’s help. He understands my feelings about forgiveness and has accepted it. He needs to forgive himself first for what he did. Right now he feels remorse which is normal. The day I feel forgiveness is necessary for myself that’s the day I’ll do it. As I said before I am not angry anymore and only look forward to a better marriage.

  76. Cindy October 21, 2012 at 12:26 am #

    Surviving. That’s the one problem I still have. I have spoken with my husband about the in law situation and how much it hurts me and keeps the affair alive. He tells me that his mother and sister have the right to talk to anyone they want. He tells me I cannot impose my will on others. He kind of understands what I’m feeling but he would never ever tell his mother not to talk to the ow He says it’s not his place to tell his mother who to be friends with. Unfortunately their emotional abuse and his reaction or non reaction to it has caused several arguments and I don’t see an end in sight.

    • Trying Hard October 21, 2012 at 9:47 am #

      Wow it sounds like you are at an impasse. I feel for you. I have a difficult MIL and my therapist says to keep contact with her to a minimum. Of course your husband can’t tell his mother who to be friends with. Even if he did she can do what she wants. It’s a matter of respect. I hope you are holding your head up high an knowing your self worth. Just remember you are the good one.

      • Gizfield October 21, 2012 at 11:12 am #

        Amen, Cindy, you are the good one !

    • Amanda October 21, 2012 at 9:53 am #

      Your giving way to much power over to your husband’s past affair, your allowing his past affair to ruin the relationship between you and your mother in law and sister in law. Your anger with this other woman is causing
      you to give up your inlaws because you don’t want them to be friends with her.
      If its more important for you to throw away your friendships with your inlaws and keep your anger towards this other woman, then in the end you lose, because now your telling your husband that you do not value his family. Also it opens the door even wider because he will see that this
      other woman values his family more, and you don’t.
      That why is so important to keep your relationship with his
      family, and not throw it away.

      • Amanda October 21, 2012 at 10:02 am #

        I agree it is unfair to you, but you need to look at the bigger picture. That’s why I keep repeating myself over and over
        about forgiving others so our anger doesn’t destroy relationships we have built with others, because we don’t want them to be friends with the person(s) who hurt us.
        When we overcome evil with good it stops that snowball effect of rolling down a hill. It means you taking the higher

        • Amanda October 21, 2012 at 10:38 am #

          Even though my exhusband and I are divorced, I still have
          a very good relationship with his family. We chose to put our differences in the past so we could still be friends.
          Our children and grandchildren benefit from us all bein
          friends and it makes for very nice holidays and family gatherings throughout the year.
          I even get along with my exhusband and his wife if they happen to attend, they live in a different state.
          My exhusband is still friends with my family.
          I would hate to think how things would have turned out if
          we had taken a different route with carrying a chip on
          our shoulders.
          This is so much nicer and civil, and my children and grandchildren can have good memories.

    • Natalia October 21, 2012 at 2:43 pm #

      My SIL tried to pull one on me many years ago. My H and I went to visit his mother (she lives in another country). We were staying at her house with our 3 year old daughter even though I knew my MIL and SIl didn’t like me so much. But I thought that having her granddaughter there would be a good thing for the family. Well, my SIL waited until my H went out with his brother to tell me that she had invited her best friend over because she wanted to see my H. I knew my H didn’t like his sister’s best friend because when he was dating me she would always flirt with him and he wasn’t attracted to her at all. My MIL said something to me that day I’ll never forget or forgive, that this woman had told her that she was in love with my H but had married someone else and her son was born on my H’s birthday so she would always think about him! I was stunned when I my MIL say this. All I said was “Why are you telling me this?” The look on her face was priceless. She was so embarrassed I actually felt sorry for her. I never understood my SIL’s motives, I just felt angry and trapped because I couldn’t do anything about it. The woman came and didn’t even say hi to me when she walked into the house, just looked at me and said “I remember you. ” What was that supposed to mean??? I’ll never know. She came with her son who was a year older than my daughter. He was a clingy little boy who cried every time my daughter would try to engage him in playing. That didn’t sit well with my SIL cause she had said the kid was super smart and outgoing. Apparently he was not having a good day! My daughter behaved extremely well and even though she was only 3 she asked the kid if he was sad and even offered him her cookies. He cried even louder! My H came back a little after and as soon as he saw her he said “What are you doing here?” She was so embarrassed that all she managed to say was “I came to say hi.” My H didn’t even answer. I was so relieved. After she left my H approached his sister and mother and told them that he was not pleased that they had invited that woman to their house while we were visiting. He said it was disrespectful of them to do that to me knowing how that woman felt about him. He also said to them that they could socialize with whomever they wanted as long as he didn’t have to see them. I felt happy that my H told them they were supposed to respect me. However, I also know that my H didn’t like this woman and his reaction made sense. I wondered if it had been different had he actually liked this woman. Fortunately, I’ll never know. After that incident my SIL and MIL never disrespected me again. I’m lucky though that we don’t live in the same country.

      • Amanda October 21, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

        That wasn’t very nice of your inlaws, I hope they treat you
        better and I hope your husband has learned his lesson and won’t disrespect you anymore with another woman.
        either. Take Care of yourself.

  77. Surviving October 21, 2012 at 2:26 am #

    He’s correct in saying he can’t tell them who their friends should be.
    But he needs to support you in not going over there since it is causing you anxiety and emotional distress.

  78. Gizfield October 21, 2012 at 10:03 am #

    Oh no, Amanda, you are so incredibly wrong on this one. Cindy, or anyone else, does not NEED to have a relationship with people who choose to be emotionally abusive to her. The fact that they are her in laws make it even worse !!! The only person on this earth that will ever get unconditional love from me again is my child. ANYONE else who thinks they will treat me badly can show their ass the door, ANYONE.

  79. Gizfield October 21, 2012 at 10:08 am #

    It is correct that Cindy’s inlaws can be friends with anyone. They should not, however, discuss this person in front of her, nor should they discuss her marriage, her husband, or herself with this “affair partner”. Who knows, maybe she will decide to direct her attentions to the mother in law or sister in laws husbands instead.Wouldn’t that be a riot? Lol.

  80. Surviving October 21, 2012 at 10:34 am #

    Even if Cindy chooses to forgive all involved, the damage they are continuing to do to her by being emotionally abusive doesn’t go sea.
    Are you saying if someone is physically abusive towards their spouse and the wife forgives them and the husband continues to hit them the should stay in that situation and continue to be abused?
    You keep yourself and your kids free from abuse, if your inlaws can’t respect you then show your family you won’t be around it. Kids know they feel and see alot more then we know. They also learn from us.

  81. Surviving October 21, 2012 at 11:01 am #

    I’m glad for you.
    Did your inlaws emotionally abuse you? Dud the say disparing
    Things about you? Are they still in contact with you ex husbands affair partner and talking to her about you and telling the ex husbands affair partner how much they like her and wish your ex husband was with the affair partner and not his current wife.
    I’m betting not.
    Cindy’s situation is not healthy.

    • Amanda October 21, 2012 at 11:33 am #

      My ex inlaws and I had some hugh major differences at first when
      when my exhusband and I divorced, and yes he was with his affair partner at that time for about a year, and yes they did have contact with his exaffair partner, and yes they had to develop a relationship with her, because there was that chance they would marry.
      HOWEVER, I chose to take the high road and I told my ex inlaws that I understood that they needed to have this relationship if my exhusband was going to marry this other woman. I told them no matter what happens I valued their
      friendship and that we were friends before my exhusband
      I even married. We agreed to put the past behind us for the
      sake of my children and now grandchildren.
      I told my ex inlaws I wasn’t going to let my divorce stand in the way of doing what was right for the sake of my children.
      My exhusband and his affair partner broke up for whatever reason and he met his current wife.
      I have lost nothing by making peace with my ex inlaws, but
      I have gained everything by having them in my life along with my children and grandchildren.

      • Amanda October 21, 2012 at 11:48 am #

        As you can see, I had a little higher of a mountian I had to climb, but I chose to do it for my children and now my grandchildrens sake. There was more to it then a affair,
        there was a divorce and a possilbe marriage to this other woman.
        I chose to keep my friendship with my exhusband’s family and to this day I have zero regrets.

  82. Gizfield October 21, 2012 at 11:10 am #

    Tell it like it is, Surviving. I’m sure any decent therapist on earth would agree that Cindy should not tolerate this behavior. This wil go on for years, if she does not put a stop to it, one way or another. I am not my MIL favorite person right now, rejecting her son back to her and all , but I can GUARANTEE she would not defend ANY woman her son cheated with, friend or otherwise.

  83. Surviving October 21, 2012 at 11:31 am #

    I couldn’t believe I was reading a posting by a woman. It sounded like a posting from an abusive male. The Internet allows people to hide behind their words.
    The advice given was wrong on so many levels.
    A person posting how they feel being in an abuse situation that is still on going to be told just forgive them and maintain a relationship is some of the worst advice I have read here to date.
    My MIL would never say anything disparing about me nor I about her it’s mutual respect we don’t agree on everything but we are both respectful.
    I raised my daughter to be strong and never ever someone abuse her.

    • Amanda October 21, 2012 at 1:20 pm #

      I stand behind my advice of forgiving others when they hurt you, it doesn’t mean you need to continue that relationship,
      however if both people are willing to put their differences aside for saving their friendship I highly recommend that.
      I also raised my children to be strong and never ever let
      someone abuse them.
      I beleive cheating is a form of abuse and I am no longer in that relationship either, except as friends for our childrens
      My children saw my strenght when I divorced and started a
      life of my own, so they didn’t have to see their dad cheat on
      My ex inlaws and I had big differences, but we put behind those differences for the sake of our children, sounds
      like excellent advise to me.
      Forgiving works and if the Bible said to forgive that’s good
      enough for me, and I will take that word over anyone elses.

      • Amanda October 21, 2012 at 2:41 pm #

        I am all for couples who can save their marraige when a spouse has cheated, but only when the affair partner is no longer in the picture and the cheating spouse has changed
        and dealth with whatever issues that were there so they can use the tools they have learned to avoid another affair.
        The next best option when a marraige can’t be saved is
        maintaining a friendship with the exspouse and their family
        to keep the family unit together for the sake of the children.
        This requires effort and forgiveness on everyones part.
        The ultimate ideal marriage is one that has never been
        touched by an affair, some of my sibilings have that kind of marriage, and their relationship is so beautiful, and I
        hope they never ever have to experience the heartache
        and pain of infidelity, I don’t wish that on anybody.
        Its a long hard difficult journey to recover from whether
        people stay or leave the marriage.
        I wish everyone the best, no matter what paths they take.

    • Gizfield October 22, 2012 at 7:32 pm #

      Surviving, that is too funny, maybe it was written by a male abuser. I truly dont know what her agenda is, religious conversion maybe. I dont appreciate the implications that because I am pissed off and unforgiving that I am not a Christian. That is really my business and choice. I haven’t seen that I am supposed to tolerate sin and adultery and dont plan to. But anyway everything she posts is the same. Her husband was an especially heinous cheater, they divorced, other women/men are not the problem, your cheating ass spouse is, always. You must forgive, be friends, move on, the end. In no uncertain terms. Some advice is good, some indifferent, and some downright harmful. I have no personal beef, but that justdoesn’t work for me.

      • Amanda October 22, 2012 at 9:19 pm #

        I know that I am not the reason for your pain and anger, and I am truley sorry that you are in so much pain.
        I hope you will find peace happiness and joy someday.
        God Bless!

        • Gizfield October 22, 2012 at 9:30 pm #

          I never said you caused me anything, Amanda, seriously. I dont even know you. when you, or I, or anyone else puts our thought in a public forum they are open for criticism and comment. I dont hsve a problem with it.

          • Amanda October 22, 2012 at 9:34 pm #

            I wish you all the happiness in the world, and I hope you will find a way to heal from your pain.

  84. Surviving October 21, 2012 at 11:37 am #

    Your ex inlaws sound like they were being respectful to you
    Re read Cindy comments
    Hers were and are not
    Huge difference
    And if your advice is still the same
    You are giving out bad advice to someone
    in pain

    • Amanda October 21, 2012 at 11:54 am #

      There were many hurtful comments that were made in the past, I have chosen to let them go for the sake of my children and grandchildren. Again I chose to forgive for
      a higher reason then myself. Having peace between our
      families was more important to me than, having my own
      way. In the end it has repaid me over and over and I now reap the rewards of it.

      • Amanda October 21, 2012 at 12:28 pm #

        Had I not had my faith to turn to for my own guidence and healing, and forgiving others even when it hurts the most,
        I can’t imagine how things would have turned out.
        If I had kept my anger and threw my exe and his family away, I would be missing out on some of the best memories in my life.
        Instead of looking back on what I have lost, look at what I have gained, I have changed my whole thought process in how I think about things.
        I could be the woman who divorced and became sour and bitter and insisted everything had to go my own way,
        the results of that would not be pretty, there would be family division, unhappy children and grandchildren people taking sides what a mess that would be.
        I only say I am glad I chose forgiveness and peace.

  85. Rick October 21, 2012 at 11:56 am #

    Yesterday I posted a comment to Cindy about what she was going through. It rang true to me. Not because I have stayed with my other because she seems to be a very gentle person. Caught up in the shock of the one she promised to love betraying her trust. The insidious part of affairs is how it rips the confidence and replaces it with doubt.
    You go from a content person to one who feels the world is crashing down upon you. Your gentleness and kindness is now a weakness. Every problem you have is amplified by yourself and your partner. You look at your problems as awful when there usually just problems with being a human being. You also lose your best friend in the process. The one who would stick up for you and have your back.
    Being afraid to speak up and demand to be treated with honor. I’m sure if we could do it all over again, we’d love upon finding out about the affair, could have just grab our partner and thrown them out on their tail but we were in shock. Disconnected to our hearts. If anyone here has ever been in a bad accident and remember how everything went in slow motion. How you felt you were talking but no one could here you. It’s the same thing.
    That’s why I go back to Linda comment in the article. The affair exposed hurts from the past that influenced how she went about her marriage and life. It was great insight. Simple and the truth, great job, Linda.
    It’s hard even then, because when I started to see the I had ignored the signs of her hurts, my feelings of guilt were immense. Getting over the guilt is the biggest part at least for me. We are a society of winners and losers. So if someone has won her and she was hurting and I ignored the signs then I must be at fault. It’s something I still struggle with. My pain from the past. It’s not based in reality. She ignored my hurts but in the end I looked at myself and tried, She bailed out and lied.
    I think in some way we want payback. It’s human and I agree with Amanda, forgiveness is the answer in that way but it will take time. I hope in passing thoughts that an asteroid falls on her car. I would never want to see her hurt but it’s my anger of being betrayed and left behind that’s talking. It’s okay.
    This week has been tough for me. Probably why I am looking for kinship on this site. It’s easier when I see others both men and women are going thru the same pain. You see since I mover out the house, she told me that her friend was coming to town this week. What she didn’t tell me was she took 2 weeks off from work. During the course of trying to repair our relationship, (She ask to do this too when I found the box of letters and moved out.) She would never take a week off so we could get away from everything and just talk. It hit me like an anvil falling from space.
    Sorry this is so long. Cindy in regards to your husbands family. Yes they do have a right to discuss and talk to whomever the want. But frankly he should stand up and be a man and say we are going to keep to ourselves because he chose you. Family is important and to me they aren’t living up to what family is. I’m sure if the roles were reversed, he’d feel the same. Remember gentleness is the strongest of strengths but it doesn’t mean you have to stand being demeaned. That’s their problem not yours. They’ll talk whether your there or not.
    Your a good strong woman, don’t walk on egg shells. Find out about yourself. Read, go for long walks, find a good counselor for you. Join a gym and workout. Not to make yourself more pleasing for him, like “If I’d only been slimmer, maybe he would have found me attractive and not had his affair.” Workout because it will mke you healthy. An old Indian saying, “Life is movement and movement is life.” You might along the way find yourself and realize that you are a good and desirable woman. Nothing wrong with that. Take care, Rick

  86. Rick October 21, 2012 at 12:06 pm #

    One last thing, Not a cure but something that might help. When taking a walk, bring the dog if you have one and if you don’t, get one if possible. Unconditional love is great. To be around a loving soul, who doesn’t care whether your beautiful or pretty, whether you made a mistake or not. Just pure love and joy. Something that just loves that your home. Like I said not an answer but it does feel good. Something that will never judge you. Just an idea.

    • Carol October 21, 2012 at 6:06 pm #

      Heh! I totally agree, Rick. I adopted a little homeless dog about two months after D-day. At the time, I worried it was the wrong decision, given the stress I was under. But it’s been so therapeutic: in the eyes of this furry little guy, I am the most fabulous goddess ever to grace the face of the earth. He’s empathetic and when I cry or am upset over the situation, he curls up right next to me and sighs. And the necessity of walking him once a day guarantees physical activity, always a good release.

      Cindy: I feel for you. About a week after D-day, my H said he wanted to prove to me that he could be accountable for his actions. So he called his parents to tell them what he’d done. He put the phone on speaker phone so that I could hear what he was saying to them and how honest he was going to be. My MIL proceeded to tell him what he’d done “wasn’t that bad,” that she knew lots of people to whom EAs had “just happened,” that I “hadn’t always made it easy on him,” and — the kicker — that for all he knew, I might have had an affair on him too, since I’m “attractive” (her word) and “travel a lot.” I was absolutely, utterly appalled and very, very hurt. It took her weeks to acknowledge she *might* have misspoken, four months to apologize to me for saying these things, and in the time since she’s continued to complain to my H about how I’m not forgiving him fast enough for her liking (!), about how I’m not willing to talk much to her, etc., etc. (Erm: right. I’m not willing to talk in -depth with someone I do not trust. Shouldn’t be a big surprise there . . . )

      I have worked with a therapist on setting appropriate boundaries re: my MIL. I have asked my H when she complains about me — e.g. “why doesn’t your W want to talk to me?” — that he say simply, “you should ask her” and change the subject. I’m not being unforgiving or bitter here — I’m just keeping my distance from someone who actively undermines my marriage, which I am currently trying to save, and who is untrustworthy. It seems to me that by talking with the OW Cindy’s MIL and SIL are also acting against her marriage. They can choose to do that if they want — I think it’s a wrong choice, but people are free to make wrong choices — but Cindy and her H can then choose what sort of interaction they’re willing to have with people who act in a way that is potentially harmful to a marital bond already strained by her H’s bad decisions. There’s a difference between setting appropriate boundaries and being unforgiving; I’m reading a good book by two Christian counsellors on boundaries that discusses this. Christians are required to forgive, but not necessarily required to restore the relationship to pre-betrayal status when the other person continues to give evidence that he/she is untrustworthy. Just my two cents!

      • Amanda October 21, 2012 at 7:20 pm #

        I agree with your statement of forgiving but not restoring a relationship to the pre-betrayal status when the other person continues to give evidence that he/she is untrustworthy.
        With that very statement is why we ended our marriage, I no longer trusted my exhusband nor I feel it was right for me to stay in a marriage with a man who continued to cheat on me. My distrust in him caused many disagreements, because I no longer tolerated the way he treated me, and
        I stood up to him. I am sure his affair partner become more appealing at that point to him, because I refused to
        back down to him. This went on for a couple weeks prior
        to him bringing divorce papers after a big fight of standing up for myself
        again. I told him to bring them on, I signed them and that was it. The rest is history. I did forgive him and we get along fine now.

  87. Surviving October 21, 2012 at 12:39 pm #

    On DDay he told both of us were demanding his time and it was too much.
    DDay was 7-27-2010. His birthday was 7-25-2010
    On the Saturday she wanted time with him and that was I believe the turning point. I decided to stay home that day I told him you look depressed lets do something together, that night when I went out to pick up our son he called her I’m sure to tell her he couldn’t do anything, then Sunday his birthday we spent it as planned church and going out to a jazz concert.
    That Tuesday was DDay when he ended it.
    She was a self centered person all about her….and look in the mirror why would he want that???
    Sometimes I think it’s more cruel that he didn’t tell her why and it left her to believe it was her.
    He was not truthful with me so I guess in a way it’s better he wasn’t truthful with her.
    I do believe if I hadn’t overheard the conversation she would have resorted to manipulative methods to continue
    That’s who she is

  88. Surviving October 21, 2012 at 3:16 pm #

    Your husband did the right thing!

  89. Surviving October 21, 2012 at 3:25 pm #

    I love your comment “why are you telling me this”
    I will remember that

  90. Cindy October 21, 2012 at 6:33 pm #

    ThaNk you all for your insight and honesty. I just wanted to give you an example of what my mil did lately. She was in hospital and my husband and I were scheduled to come visit. My mil called me during day an told me not to visit that nite as Ow would be visiting. I was flabbergasted. Family is family. My kids were going to! I told my husband what she said an he said “of course we will not go” !! My sister in law called my hubby and said he could come anyway and that his mother just meant that I shouldn’t come! Are you freaking kidding me. I was furious! We did not go but a a result my hubby and I argued about his sister that night. So even though my hubby did right thing it still caused us problems.

    • Carol October 23, 2012 at 12:10 pm #

      ?!?!?!? What a nightmare your MIL is!!!! Good grief. I’d have been tempted to show up anyway and let her AND the OW have it right there in the hospital. I think you’re a better person than I am. 🙂 What did you say to your MIL when she gave you that news? Have you confronted the OW about this? It’s ridiculous of your MIL to privilege the OW over her own daughter-in-law! Has your H seen any of the comments this situation is getting? Really, he needs to get his head out of his ass. My H went for years behaving as if his family was more important than OUR family together. John Gottman’s book on marriage (7 Principles) states pretty clearly that the only way to clear up inlaw problems is for the H to take a clear stand with his W, keeping other family members second to her and her wishes and needs. I hope your H will see the light soon. He’s risking everything for nada!

      • Gizfield October 23, 2012 at 12:20 pm #

        I’m not one to quote the Bible much, but part of the marriage covenant is that you “forsake ALL others” for the good of your marriage. Now thats not usually necessary, but God does not want ANYONE else harming your marriage, parents included. Just my opinion, of course.

  91. Amanda October 21, 2012 at 7:02 pm #

    I feel bad that you are recieving that kind of treatment, maybe someday when this all blows over and the heat of this all cools down you and his family can workout your differences. It sounds like everyones emotions are running
    high at this point in time along with not enough healing and its all to raw. In the future if you recieve that same treatment after some healing has taken place then it may have to be one of those cases you forgive but not have a relationship with them.

    • Amanda October 21, 2012 at 8:21 pm #

      I want to share my own experience with you.
      When my exhusband and I first divorced it placed both our families on th defence. In fact for the first 6 months there would be times my ex mom inlaw and I would hang up on each other on the phone because we would get into heated
      disagreements, and they were not pretty.
      We both had anger and were hurting, and sometimes a few days would go by when one of us would swallow our
      pride and go and apologize, this happened over and over the first fews months. However we both knew we wanted
      our friendship to survive. Somehow as healing occured
      I began to realize that her friendship meant alot to me,
      and I began to reach out more, and we began to heal, her
      and I still to this day can get into some big disagreements
      over other trival things, but one of us always reaches out
      and apologizes, we both have laughed and cryed and disagreed but I love her with all my heart. We both have
      said our friendship is a true friendship because it has
      survived many storms, and I believe that is what true
      friendship is and it isn’t about being nicey nice and shallow, our friendship has a true love toward each other
      that has been unbreakable.

  92. Surviving October 21, 2012 at 7:23 pm #

    There is no excuse for this type of behavior your MIL has made and continues to make decisions to alienate you, her son and grandchildren from her life. She and the SIL are playing emotional abuse games.
    These people are at the least not friends of your marriage and in fact are trying to tear it apart.
    It’s hard enough to rebuild a marriage that has been hit with infidelity and then to have destructive family members on top of everything else is too much.

  93. Gizfield October 22, 2012 at 9:11 pm #

    I really hsve no problems with my in laws, other than his mother can not believe her baby isn’t perfect, he can do no wrong. She missed an excellent chance to be a parent and tel him that what he was doing was wrong and help him get his head out of his ass. But guess what, she and his father were divorced when he was 16, and her three other children have all been divorced, some more than once! His father is a loon who emotionally abuses everyone, excrpt me, cause he knows I will not tolerate it. my parents have been dead 20 years, and I have spent nine years sitting on these peoples couches, and truthfully it wont bother me a but when they are no longer in my life. I family I hardly see because we always have to visit his family.

  94. Gizfield October 22, 2012 at 9:18 pm #

    Sb “a bit”. Anyway, I think his mother is passive/agressive. I found out she is very controlling in a behind the scenes kind of way. She lived with us a couple of months after an accident, whoever said you learn more about a person living with a person a month than knowing them for years knew what they were ta lking about !

  95. Surviving October 22, 2012 at 9:50 pm #

    The most and best support I get is from this forum,
    In the beginning I thought I was I was going crazy and stumbled upon this site.
    Lately I have been able to find humor from some of the postings and getting my wit back… Huge steps from where I was two years ago

  96. Cindy October 23, 2012 at 11:13 pm #

    Advice please! I am writing on this forum because of the past posts I made regarding this issue so you all have some insight already. My husband just volunteered to redo his sisters bathroom (no pay) from top to bottom. He likes to do remodeling projects. I am so furious and hurt and disgusted and mad etc… I don’t even know what words to use. As a result of all of her hurtful comments and ignorance and her totally ignoring me for the past 18 months, my husband assured me that we would just have a holiday, funeral, wake, relationship with his sister and his family. I gave him that even though holidays are extremely uncomfortable for me because I dknt want to make him choose between his family or me. But this bathroom thing is over the top! I keep telling myself it’s his family and I can’t control his relationship with them but it just feels like another slap in the face. Am I being unreasonable? I really feel that he is condoning my jnlaws treatment of me by running over there and kissing their a@”. I knew this in law problem would cause problems for us in the future but I had hoped our marriage would be in a stronger place before it happened. We are still in recovery and I am still in the afraid stage. I can repress my feelings so we don’t argue but I will be seething inside. Help

    • Trying Hard October 25, 2012 at 12:15 pm #

      This is a matter of respect. My experience is you say something once. H you are being disrespectful and going back on your word. If you have time to spend at your sister’s house that means time away from me and your family. You are once again breaking an agreement we decided together.

      Cindy I think this is really an issue of power. H doesn’t want you telling him what to do. He also must like the constant angst he puts you in over this. He’s like a “fat third grader” negative attention is better than no attention. He likes the attention he’s getting from his Mother and Sister and the more he tells them you are upset the more they collude to put it in your face. I bet you are a REALLY nice person not wanting to upset the apple cart. REALLY that he is back home. Not only did he disrespect you with the OW but he continues to by rubbing your nose in it with his Mom and sister. Don’t argue with him. Say it once and hold firm. If he continues maybe you should be looking to the alternative. I’m sure he loves you but it sounds like he doesn’t have much respect for you or your opinion. Not fair. Stand firm Sister.

  97. Natalia October 24, 2012 at 12:22 am #

    You should tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not to do his sister’s bathroom. Do not repress your feelings it will only harm you and stall your recovery. He needs to choose. He needs to be the one to teach his family to respect you. He needs to tell his sister that you are offended by her treatment towards you and he will not allow anyone to disrespect you. If for whatever reason he choses his family over you, then you know where you stand in this marriage and you can decide if it’s worth saving. You should put your foot down and demand that he be a man and take your side. I’ve done that with my H and he chose me cause he had a lot to lose. Good luck.

    • tryingtoowife October 24, 2012 at 6:32 am #

      Cindy – I agree 100% with Natalia. You, your husband and your children are one unit. And he should protect you from whatever bad comes on your way from his family. He might have to learn some diplomacy for this process and some detachment, but you come first. If they welcome you and treat you well, you as a family member will be there for them too. Otherwise, be loyal but distant. Decline invitation with extreme politeness, but firm. Show interest and loyalty without exposing yourself to them hurting you. It seems that his family likes him very much and expect him to be there for them, so they should accept his choices regarding you, if he voices them. Your husband has to chose you first, respect you first before them, demand it. Then his family will respect you as they should have, all this time; by his example.

  98. Surviving October 24, 2012 at 1:16 am #

    Is your concern the OW will be there?

  99. Cindy October 24, 2012 at 7:27 am #

    No I don’t think the ow will be there but you never know. I am 100% positive his sister will talk about her though and me as well

    • Amanda October 25, 2012 at 2:21 pm #

      If your husband really loves you, there is nothing your sister inlaw or mother inlaw can do or say that will change his love for you, if that his how he really feels.
      Even if his sister brings the subject of the other woman up,
      if he loves you, he will set her straight and will let her know that he staying with you.
      His family doesn’t have the power to change his feelings
      for you, his feelings belong to him.
      He’s a grown married man, who is not a child, he is responsible for keeping his vows to you. If he doesn’t
      and he starts to chase this other woman again, then you
      need to decide to stay or leave him.

      • Amanda October 25, 2012 at 2:45 pm #

        His needs to keep his vows of fidelity to you, and love you and honor and cherish you, no matter who he’s around.
        His cheating was very disrespectful towards you and he’s a grown married man who knows right from wrong.
        If he loves you and his marriage is important to him he
        will do right and keep those vows. You have given him
        a second chance to show that he can keep his word.
        If he doesn’t and cheats again, then you will have your answer, and no one will be to blame but him, and he
        will be the one responsible.

        • Amanda October 25, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

          Typo – He needs to keep his vows of fidelity to you.

      • Natalia October 25, 2012 at 2:53 pm #

        Amanda, I don’t think the issue here is the love Cindy’s H feels for her or not. The issue is that she needs to stand up for herself and demand respect from her in laws. But she should not be put in the position to do it alone, her husband should be making this possible. He’s the one that has to make it clear to his sister that he is not going to put up with her comments about the ow.

        • Amanda October 25, 2012 at 3:31 pm #

          I agree that he needs to stick up for his wife, and let
          his family know that he loves his wife and will keep his
          vows, being she has given him a second chance.
          As I mentioned he needs to keep his vows no matter who he’s around, by showing his love to his wife by honoring and cherishing her, and when other woman are around.
          keeping fidelity.
          This includes his family if they talk bad about her or
          bring up the subject of the other woman.

          • Gizfield October 25, 2012 at 3:44 pm #

            Yeay, I am so glad there is room formore than one villian in this story, I think that is usually the case.

  100. Cindy October 24, 2012 at 7:59 am #

    I am truly torn. Part of me agrees with you all that he Should make a choice and stand by my side to prove to them once and for all that he chooses me but the other part of me doesn’t want to be that bitch that makes him choose. His sister thinks he gve up the ow and ended the affair because of the kids and his business. I believe in my heart that his sister wanted him to end up with the other woman. My own sister thinks that I should just let him to hat he needs to with his family am I should just write them off completely. I know this choice would be better for our marriage because we wouldn’t argue about his sister anymore and in turn focus on what’s important. However, the flip side of the coin is that i would wish he would choose me over them If not for anything else but to prove to them that he chose me because he loves me and is willing to stand by me. Maybe I’m just being petty After all these thoughts are mine and he doesn’t thjnk that deeply. My husband tells me he stayed with me because he loves me and it shouldn’t matter what other people think But it does matter to me! Why? 5 years ago I wouldn’t have cared what anyone thought. I knew he loved me. Now just because I need more validation or reassurance or the grand gesture…. Does that give me the right to impose my will on him? See…. Totally conflicted. I can play both sides myself. Lol

  101. Surviving October 24, 2012 at 9:08 am #

    She’s not a friend to your marriage.
    So if knowing that your husband chooses to do the kitchen work then you and him can discuss how to handle the various issues that may come up.
    Does he defend you to them when they discuss you?
    What will he do if O W shows up?
    Will you be there with him when he’s doing the work?
    Are you comfortable going to SIL house?

    The person who should care people are talking about them is your husband
    You have done nothing wrong
    We are all not perfect and within a marriage there maybe couple issues
    But he choose to have an affair and that is his fault

  102. Natalia October 24, 2012 at 9:18 am #

    Cindy, no, you’re not being petty. And yes you should demand validation AND reassurance. If you have to be the bitch in this situation, so be it. He needs to distance himself from his family and anything or anyone related to the ow. The change has to be 180 degrees otherwise you’ll never have the marriage you both deserve. When you feel stronger then you’ll be able to handle your in laws. And they won’t mess with you, ever. I speak from experience. Good luck.

  103. Cindy October 24, 2012 at 9:23 am #

    We have had problems with his sister and her mother for years. He never defends me to them. It never bothered me before the affair. We are married an I know he lives me so I never truly cared what they said about me. Honestly. His sister has not talked to me since the affair started and she continues to be hurtful and disrespectful. NOW , it bothers me. That’s kinda whacked. He’s not doing anything different but now it bothers me. He did know about the affair since it started and never said a word to me. Just stopped speaking altogether. Now after 23 years of marriage I am so insecure an needy I need him to stick up for me. So I am actually the one that changed. Everyone else is acting pretty much the same. (she knew about the affair not he. Typo) I get tht he ha the affair and this entire situation is his fault and he caused all these current problems and he know there will be repercussions for years. But is it fair that I want him to stick up for me against them when it has never bothered me before. I was always a really strong, independent person that was really happy with my life and husband so I truly didn’t care what his sister dished out. I chalked it up to jealousy. Why the frig am I so needy now?

  104. Cindy October 24, 2012 at 9:27 am #

    Natalia. I think you may have hit the nail on the head. Maybe I wouldn’t care as much if they didn’t speak or interact with the OW. If they were still nasty or disrepectful to me I could probably handle that. It happens in a lot of marriages. But I think the big problem is that they still talk to the ow and I will never be comfortable with that

  105. Surviving October 24, 2012 at 10:00 am #

    Everything has changed now with the affair.
    Natalia is right.
    Your going to have to start standing up for yourself and demanding respect, this will be a positive thing fir your children to see.

  106. Disappointed October 25, 2012 at 3:57 pm #

    I think you need him to set boundaries with his family because he didn’t set boundaries with the OW. I just had a mini- epiphany with one of the 3 mutual friends the OW and I have in common. He was very careful not to say her name to me. It was such a kindness. That is someone that respects boundaries. Much better than a closer female friend who said it just happened and acted like my H leaving was no big deal.

    Everything is changed after the affair. Nothing can ever be the same and boundaries become of paramount importance. You should not feel guilty.

  107. Strengthrequired March 13, 2013 at 1:39 am #

    I could have written this myself. I often ask him why did he really come home, especially when he still had to see her behind my back, she had sent him a txt msg and on it said, ” I know where you really want to be, and you only went home because of the children”. That sticks with me, yet that isn’t what he tells me, but he did say that to her, as he thought she would handle it better.
    I guess it doesn’t help, when you don’t know if the ow, is still in the picture or not, as it is always on your mind. You would think after a lifetime, that our feelings would override that of someone that they barely know.

  108. theresa September 27, 2016 at 1:30 pm #

    Changedforever, you have another entry for the the stupid stuff list:

    ” (I.e., when he said the times with her may have been the best of his life.)”

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