Infidelity causes intense emotional pain--anger, disbelief, fear, guilt and shame. But an affair doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage.Welcome to our journey from an emotional affair!
Thank you for coming to our blog about the emotional affair that I (Doug) had with a co-worker over a year ago. It’s been a long hard road to recovery from that affair for me and my wife, Linda, but I’m happy to say that things are going very well, and we have re-established our love for each other. That’s not to say that there haven’t been many bumps in the road along the way, and there continue to be bumps regularly, but our relationship is on the mend and gets better with each passing day.
The purpose of this blog is to share our story in the hopes that it will help those that are suffering, or have suffered from this type of affair. We will also present tips and resources that we have utilized on our journey that have been highly effective for us, and should be for you too if you are either in an affair or are a victim of an affair.
What may be unique about this blog, is that we will share our story and the underlying emotions that each of us felt along the way. We will also be open to answering any questions and offer any kind of help that we can to any of you who feel compelled to ask or make comments.
We are not psychologists or marriage counselors, or professional writers for that matter. Rather, we’re just a normal couple that has been married for 25 years that has actually lived through a devastating emotional affair and have successfully mended our marriage and once again have strong feelings of love for each other. Our sincere hope is that you can learn from our experiences so that you can end any affair you or your spouse may be involved in, and eventually recover from and strengthen your relationship.
Please be sure to leave your comments, and if you would like to get our blog updates via email or other means please subscribe to our RSS feed by clicking the RSS button in the upper right hand corner. Additionally, take a moment to subscribe to our blog and you will receive our 8-Part Mini-ECourse, the ebook “Togetherness: Keys to Making it Happen in Your Relationship” and regular bonus resources delivered to your email.
Thanks again for stopping by, and we hope that you will join us on this journey from an emotional affair!
Doug & Linda
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Thank you so much for this site. I am in the midst…well, actually the end of my husband’s affair. He is still talking with her and has pretty much said that he is going to continue. We’ve been married for almost 12 years, 3 kids. He’s a teacher, she’s a teacher. I’m not. She actually moved schools for an unrelated reason, but they still talk almost every morning while he is driving our kids to school. It got up to 2000 minutes at one point. It now has settled in at about 400 per month. I am at a loss. We actually have talked about getting a divorce, but I dont’ want that and I don’t think he does either. He just simply says he shouldn’t have to sacrifice something just because I ask him to. He was never like this before – but is now and I honestly have no idea what to do. We’ve been together for 16 years – since high school. I’m so overwhelmed and would love nothign more than to ruin this girls life. She’s 24. He’s 36. I can’t compete with a 24 year old and I shouldn’t have to. She only sees the part of him that he wants her to – not the part that can’t pay bills on time or is moody or is a workaholic.
Anyway – just wanted to say thank you.
Thank you so much for visiting our site. I hope that we can help. As I was reading your email I was brought back to a time where I was in your shoes, feeling the same way you feel and not knowing where to turn and what to do. Not knowing your situation or you personally, I feel that I can not give you specific advice yet. However I did think of several books, websites, and advice that I received that helped me tremendously which I would like to share them with you. As I began to compile everything in my mind I realized that I have so much to share that I thought I would put it in an article for everyone to see. However if you have specific questions or concerns please feel free to email us at any time. I hope to have the article on our site shortly.
All the best,
Linda
My husband has spent 2 years emailing a young colleague, half his age who was his intern for a month. Over the past 2 years they have exchanged hundreds of emails, text messages and some phone calls. They shares deep intimacies, they are mutually flattering. He is indirectly flirtatious through the song lyrics he sends her. He started hiding his emails (though he denies this), made several attempts to meet her while I was away, and finally started meeting her for dinner occasionally. Then has lied about this sometimes, meeting her when he said that he had a meeting, but then said it was because I was overreacting. After that he met her openly, and they feel free to invite each other to the theatre, cinema and concerts while excluding me. This all started while he was going through his midlife crisis, and questioning everything, including me. He has compared me to her, been critical of me, and unable to say if he wanted to say he was married.
He says she’s just a friend, but that he needs her almost as much as he needs me. This is unbearable for me, and I have asked him to choose, although he says I’m overreacting.
On the positive side, he says he loves me, but cares for her, and is not attracted to her. Our intimacy and time together have been improving no end, but I feel her presence in our lives like a stone in my shoe that I cannot get rid of. She has just invited him out again, excluding me, who she feels “uncomfortable” with.
Am I overreacting?
I feel so sorry for you. This is a very hard thing to deal with, but deal with you must. He has to know exactly how unhappy & uncomfortable you are with this friendship, you have really got to get him to understand this is affecting your well being and happiness and from personal experience you need him to stop having all contact with her before anything more serious happens (if it hasn’t already). If he cares about you and loves you he should take all your feelings into account. Explain that it makes you feel undervalued, betrayed and all the other emotions that come into play with a situation like this, as he is having an affair, whether it is emotional or physical or both. If he refuses then you give him an ultimatum (her or you), sometimes this is the shake up they really need to stop doing what they think they can get away with. Then get some couples counselling. Take care and hope this works out for you. I am in the same situation and having a very difficult time.
Thank you for your reply. My husband keeps trying to tell me I’m overreacting, especially when I say “It’s her or me”.
Do ultimatums work? Or do we end up losing everything?
I think Becky is giving you good advice, Frances. Ultimatums can be a tricky thing as sometimes they can blow up in your face, but at least you know where you stand.
My boyfriend’s internet activity on sex dating websites is in my opinion emotional cheating. First of all, He password protects his laptop computer with his life, and never ever checks his email when I’m around or in the same room as him. He spends day and night in seclusion on his computer facing in a direction I cannot see what he is doing, and whenever I try to approach him on his secretive behavior on the computer he becomes very defensive and we end up in a huge fight.
We’ve been dating for 2 yrs. now, we got off to rocky start and needless to say I broke up with him 3 months after we met and went back to this guy I was dating when I did meet my boyfriend. Within a month’s time we got back together and have been together ever since, however, when he moved back in after our breakup is when I discovered he had active profiles set up on several sex dating websites. This was back when he gave me all his passwords for his email accounts, and didn’t hide anything from me. I just happened to find out while in his email one day by mistake, and became curious and decided to investigate further. The more I looked into it the more I found out and what I found out was that after being back with me for over a month he was still pursuing women on these sites for discreet sexual encounters. I gathered all my proof with copies of his profiles on the different sites, showing dates he signed up and last dates he visited the sites and his profile bio’s on each, etc… and approached him with solid proof so he couldn’t lie his way out of it, but he still tried. I was devastated by this to say the least, and after we fought and talked about it he promised me that he would delete all his accounts on those sites and never do something like that ever again. So naturally I believed him, until about 4 months later when I discovered he lied to me, and he never stopped visiting those sites, as a matter of fact he had added a few new ones by this time, along with some naked photos of himself on a couple of the sites. This time it turned into a knock down drag out and ended the same way it did the first time, he told me he would stop and delete everything, blah blah blah. Well I didn’t believe him even though I told him I would trust him again like the first time, so I kept a close on eye on his activity and sure enough a couple months later the same thing again. Every time he would tell me the same thing, he said he wasn’t looking to cheat on me, said that he wasn’t talking to these women because he wasn’t a paid member on any of the sites and told me he just gets carried away sometimes by advertising himself single and looking and would never go through with actually meeting any of these women because he loved me and only me.
He somehow managed to convince me that he was doing nothing wrong, and said he just did it to watch free porn, and I once again forgave him, and for my own peace of mind I convinced myself that I was overreacting to the whole thing and knew either I trust him or not, and I decided if I wanted to stay together then I had no choice but to trust him.
A year has gone by now since all this began and I started to notice about 4 months ago he began to spend more and more time on his computer, and in the bedroom alone away from me. I started questioning his activities on the internet again and he becomes instantly defensive and argumentative every time I say something about what he’s up to. So I played detective, I found out his password to his heavily guarded yahoo email account and monitored it for a month to see what exactly he does on these sites, when he does it, and who he’s doing it with. I found out that he never stopped from day one when I caught him doing this, it almost made me sick to my stomach. Now I have given him an ultimatum, I told him I cannot trust anything he tells me because look how many times he’s lied to me about this same issue over the past 2 years. I told him what he’s doing is cheating, he’s sharing intimate and personal information with other women when he should only be sharing that kind of stuff with the only woman in his life, me. I told him that as of lately he doesn’t give me the time of day, let alone acknowledge my presence some days and I attribute it to him meeting someone on the internet that he’s spending time with day and night on the computer. I also told him in the bedroom there’s no intimacy or connection between us anymore, he’s so rigid and preoccupied it seems. He swears he’s not chatting with any women, he’s just interested in the porn and has no interest in anyone but me. He says he loves me and me only, however, I’m not so convinced anymore about what he tells me. I do love him but I can’t go on living in this relationship the way it is, it’s not right and I see his behavior as being extremely deceptive and sneaky. I don’t believe he’s ever met any of these women on the internet, however, I also don’t think that if he was given an offer that he would turn it down either. So I am at the moment confused, hurt, and lost, not sure what to do at this point.
Hi Deborah,
Obviously I’ve made mistakes in my life and certainly the biggest of them all was having an emotional affair with another person. Let me also tell you that I am very pro-marriage/relationship and that a couple should do whatever possible to save their marriage and/or relationship. That being said, I feel that your boyfriend has some serious problems with commitment, honesty and more than likely may suffer from sex/porn addiction. In my opinion he needs some professional help to assist him with these issues. I suppose it’s a good thing that you are not married to this person, as I think it would be a huge mistake at this point to do so–at least not until he gets himself straightened out.
I would appreciate some advice. I have been married for 20 years. The marriage has never been volitile, abusive etc.. 2 years ago one of my husband’s male friends committed suicide. This devastated my husband. My husband began to blame himself for not seeing it coming. This event triggered a severe depressive state (still continues) in him and he began to question his whole life, he started to get irritable and said quite a few hurtful things.
8mths ago he moved out of our home without discussion. He wants no responsibility and wants to make no decisions. The emotional affair part – There is a female at his work who’s previous partner committed suicide. This I believe is their emotional connection, My husband has told me about this person and that they are “just mates” however he buys her gifts – she tells him he is a beautiful and caring man etc… they lunch together& he takes her to medical appointments etc.(he does not know I know this) His daytime hours are spent with this person. This person is 10 years younger than my husband and is herself engaged to be married.
He msg’s me in the morning to tell me to have a great day, he calls me at lunch time to see how I am going and calls me when he gets to his place from work. Almost every night he comes back to my place eats and just sits relaxing watching t.v and falls asleep in the chair (still treats my place like home). He has also stayed over a couple of nights a week as he was too tired to go home and says he is relaxed.As far as he is concerned we are still married we just don’t live together.
My dillema – we do not talk about our relationship At All – I do not question his actions, his comments or his whereabouts (I used to before he left). He tells me what he is doing and what his plans are ,I go running to him when he calls in the middle of the night to rescue him from a drunken outing and he says things like I love you but I don’t think I can live with you again,the next day its like nothing happened. I do not tell him how I am feeling cause it makes him angry and he takes off. I never initiate the contact, He is the one who always comes to me.
I know I don’t need him however I do not want to lose him. PS we also have two sons who live at home, however he does not seek them out when he visits. I have to tell him to say hello. One is 25 with a disability who he talks too, the other is 20 and they do not talk at all. My son hates his father for what he has done as is angry he has not sought help. This breaks my heart. Do I push for an outcome or just ride it out until he figures it out. At the moment he is eating his cake and enjoying it too. My head tells me to cut and run but my heart will not let go. Sorry for the essay
Hi Brenda, and thanks for commenting. The first thing that strikes out at me is that if your husband is suffering from depression, then he really needs to seek out a professional to get that under control. It’s tough to work on your marriage when you have something like that to overcome as well. It could also explain his actions and words towards you. Outside of that, it does sound as though he is having at least an emotional affair with his co-worker, but obviously has deep feelings for you at the same time. Assuming that he is not in a depressed state, you would want to demand that he end all contact with this other woman, which is difficult since they see each other at work. I would think that this affair will run it’s course rather quickly anyways, especially since she is engaged. Once contact has been ended, you can work together to discover each other’s most important emotional and physical needs and build from there.
My husband told me today that he doesn’t love me because he can’t trust me. I know it’s going to take a long time to regain his trust. It’s only been 4 weeks since my life fell apart, because of my dishonesty. I just wonder if he will ever be able to get past this so we can mend what we have left. Everything has been great for the last 2 weeks but today he starts the whole thing up again. I can’t go through another emotional upheaval like I had a month ago.
Darla,
It seems hard to believe that he has completely stopped loving you. Sure, trust is an issue, but that can be rebuilt. You have some work ahead of you though. Also, as with Linda, she goes through long periods where nothing is said, and then all of a sudden she has a relapse (for lack of a better term), and it’s been well over a year since my affair had ended. You just have to learn to be patient and let him vent and continue to do the right things.
Doug, during the affair was there ever jealousy on Tania’s part when you casually mentioned Linda? And did you get jealous if she mentioned her husband or if she was hanging out with other guys at work? Also did Tania’s husband know about the EA? Sorry but I am Linda relived I am having one of those “relapse” days. I know I will be fine tomorrow.
Last2know, Yes Tanya was a very jealous person, and would be quite obvious about it whenever I spoke about Linda or about doing things as a family. It became quite annoying over time to be honest. I did not get jealous of her husband as she really never had too much good to say about him. Basically she was always complaining about him. I always had the feeling that there was no sense in getting jealous because after all she was a married woman. Yes, her husband found out about the EA after I had ended it. Sorry to here you’re not doing so well today.
Last2know, I am sorry you are having a bad day, I have those all the time. I give you permission to “relieve” me anytime you want. Your question allowed me to learn something new about Tanya and again I thought to myself “Doug, what were you thinking, yes you did lose your mind.” Today I will have an extra bounce in my step, knowing that she was not perfect and I have you to thank for that. Remember you are not alone, that you will be ok and tomorrow is a new and brighter day. Hang in there. Linda
I am glad I was able to help the two of you since you both have been there for me. Doug I know you say you were not jealous of her husband but what about her talking and laughing or having lunch with the other men at work while you were still working together?
Last2Know, The jealousy with other men was not an issue as 95% of the people in the office were either women or gay! The other 5% were older men or asses. Lol!
my husband had an emotional affair about 2 and a half years ago with a co worker of his while i had severe post partum depression. I think he still blames me because i was so sick. His story has changed over the past 2 years and i still cannot trust him. When i get insecure and question his relationships at work he stomps off. I’ve caught him looking at pictures of girls on myspace, and facebook. I don’t feel he has any remorse and refuses to understand how I still think about his affair. We have discussed divorce because of lack of trust and fighting. We tried counseling now what?
Jen, Thanks for commenting and welcome. It’s tough to give you much advice based on the limited information you provided. Do you suspect him of having some sort of affair now? Why didn’t counseling work for you?
My husband had an emotional affair with a co-worker for a very short time about 2 months ago. They had been friends for yrs and it turned more serious after they worked together for a short stint. When I found out, he said it was heading towards an affair so he decided to discontinue the texts, emails and drink/dinner dates with her, but he didn’t. It kept going on for a week. I asked him to contact and tell her it was over. He said he would but after 1 week of me asking him everyday and him coming up with all sorts of excuses, he still didn’t do it. I was just about to ask him again because he said he would do it that day and then phone me when it was done, and his text went off. It was from her. I was furious and VERY hurt. He got defensive & told me he would just stop responding. I said it wasn’t enough and told him how it was affecting me so he finally phoned her and told her he wanted to stop.
On top of all of this, he has a hard time telling the truth about things. He was brought up in a home where white lies were considered acceptable – as long as you tell partial truth. This has only heightened my anxiety.
3 days later after he told her to stop texting him, he lied about his whereabouts. He phoned me after work and said he had to stay behind because of a problem that he needed to be there for. I called his work because I was suspicious & they told me he wasn’t there, that he’d left a while ago. I phoned his cell and he was at the bar with buds from work. He said she wasn’t there. When I confronted him later he said he was afraid to tell me the truth.
Then about a week later while on a tropical vacation together, I caught him emailing her that he missed her tons. When I asked him why was emailing her that he sent it he actually was missing me….
He still sees her at least once a week after work when he goes to the bar with co-workers or other functions at work. She still emails him periodically.
He has never really taken responsibility and minimizes the whole thing – partially because they didn’t have sex and he says it’s over (but she’s still contacting him) and partially because he thinks one of the reasons it happened was because of me. Whenever I bring it up, he gets very defensive and we end up arguing.
I keep thinking I’m crazy and should just be able to trust him and it’ll all go away.
We are going to Counselling but I’m not sure the counsellor takes his emotional affair really seriously. She called it his reconnection with an old friend. (that got him off the hook I think)
I asked him again last night to email her and tell her to stop emailing him. (after I found out she’d sent another email to him) At first he said he would and that he would say he loves his wife and this is affecting his marriage. Then later when I asked him when he was going to do it, he said he wasn’t going to. He said if he just didn’t respond that she would get the message. YIKES Can you help?
Thanks, Leanne
Leanne, Thanks for commenting and sorry to hear of your tale. Fortunately, myself and Linda have gone through the same as you and so have many of the other folks that comment on this site. Please take some time to check out the blog more and especially the comments. Everyone has similar experiences and are more than willing to offer some advice or direction.
Admin, I need some of your advice. This person that my husband had a fling with or whatever we want to call it, her husband keeps txting with all sorts of horrible comments. How should we deal with these txts ? Ignore them? Obviously he’s hurting bad over what his wife did and is trying to make our lives as miserable as he’s feeling right now and I can understand that, I’m also hurting but Im not txting horrible comments to his wife which I would be quite entitled to do but to me thats a childish approach. This guy is in his 50’s. You saying you had lost your mind when you had your “affair” made me laugh! Thanks for your help.
Maryanna, As hard as it might be to do, I’d ignore it. I bet eventually they will go away. If you responded to them, he most certainly would keep them up. Should they continue, you can always change the cell phone number. I guess you could even get a restraining order or file a harassment suit or something if you had to. Hopefully it won’t get that far. You are doing the right thing by not texting the OW. Take the high road and don’t give her that power. Good luck!
Thanks Admin. We figured it would be best to ignore them as well. A restraining order or harassment suit would be the final straw to be honest, we live in the same area. Whats OW ? Pardon my ignorance.
Sorry, OW means “Other Woman” It took me awhile to catch on to all these acronyms as well!
Hi Admin, the texts keep coming. Even if we change the cell number, theres always the possibility that he’ll obtain the new no and this cell number actually doubles as a work number. I’ve rang our cell provider to see if we can have his number blocked but they don’t seem to have any software. Its wearing at this stage plus I’ve found 2 lumps on my breast and am awaiting a mammogram so I/we don’t need all this extra stress at this time nor do I/we have the time or space in our lives for it at the moment. Any suggestions ? Thanks
Ok. Another thought on this is to do another thing I did. I eventual told her that was unfair of me and I removed it. It was wrong to try to force her not to speak to him. And I think it was a good reason for her to use another phone. Another way I blame myself for pushing her that far.
You can on most phones lock it so only numbers in the phones phone book will be allowed to call in and be called from that phone. That’s common on most phones I’ve seen. Its one way to limit a childs phone use or a phone you give an employee. Its a setting thing. Trust me if it can be done I can learn how to do it.
My husband ended my emotional affair with a man that’s our friend. I was releived at the end, it all ended amicably and we all remained friends. The man and I still had open public conversations and no threats, it was all good. Now, when we talk and all is friendly, I am fine. Two days ago we had a meeting together and I was shunned purposefully. he would not have eye contact with me and made sure not to speak to me. A week ago all was fine and then all of a sudden it wasn’t. Now I feel awful and I’m doubting everything. I resent that this person’s attitude toward me can effect my mood and my happiness. The affair is over, the texting/emails are over. My husband and our friend have repaired their friendship….so what happened? Is there another woman who has replaced me that has made him treat me badly? I know I’ve done nothing to cause his anger/ignoring since I’ve been out of town for a week, so why is he suddenly not speaking to me? I feel depressed over this but can’t ask him what’s wrong b/c his response will be “nothing’s wrong”. He will not share if there is a problem, but I can’t go on feeling like this from the person who made me feel so good is making me feel so bad!! Any insight on this?
thank you
Hi Sandy, and thanks for sharing. My first thought is that your emotional affair is not over–at least in your mind. I guess it is always possible that he may have found someone else, or perhaps he was told to stay away form you by your husband. It’s tough to say. Why does it matter though if the affair is over?
Doug and Linda:
Your site has helped me tremendously over the past few months. Everyone has had so many wonderful and helpful things to say. Unfortunetly for me perimenopause, depression, a teenager that I just can’t seem to help and this EA was just to much for me. The last few months you all have made my life bearable but now I am too tired to fight the fight anymore.
Thank you all for all you have done. I wish you all happiness.
Jay, Thank you for the kind words. If I’m understanding you correctly it sounds like you are going to let your marriage end. If that is the case, please get yourself strong and prepare for what’ is ahead. Best of luck to you and we wish you much happiness as well.
My husband sought the ’services’ of a masseuse just over 2 1/2 years ago. I found out, I forgave for the sake of our children and throwing away too many years. I didn’t talk to anyone. He went to counseling a few times. At the time, he finally told me he was sexually abused by some boys when he was young. First I had heard of this and we’ve been together since I was 14. He wanted me to go to counseling with him and I refused. This was not my problem to fix. At the time, I told him I would forgive and move on if he laid everything out on the table and agreed that I would be the only woman in his life from now on. He agreed and said there was nothing else for me to know. Well, guess what? Yesterday, I inadvertently found a text he sent to a woman. I was dumbfounded. He has been talking with and seeing this woman for 3 years! He won’t admit that it’s an emotional affair and neither will she. I have talked to her and she is nothing more than an enabler. When I asked him what the hell he was thinking, he told me he was lonely and confused and needed someone to talk to. What? I’ve stood by him through so much and withstood embarassment and alienation for him. He has never been there for me emotionally, but I’ve always managed to pull myself up and deal with things and move on. We have both lost a parent and he all but ignored them and me when we needed him the most. I have told him to get out and I will be filing for divorce on Monday. I am 39 years old with 2 teenage daughers. I have nothing other than them. I have run his company for 20 years and completely devoted my life to him and our family. When I leave, I will not have so much as a tent to raise my girls in. No money, no job and no where to live. I’m scared.
I just don’t think I can forgive him. He wants us to go to counseling, but I’m not willing. There are too many lies and I’m just emotionally spent. I’m still not over him paying for happy endings. I don’t think I can ever love him again – I look at him and don’t recognize him. I’m angry beyond words. I never envisioned anyone other than him in my life and never, ever though he would hurt me like this. Can you please give me some advice?
Jules, Thanks for sharing your story. Sorry to hear that you are going through this. The first thing I think that you should do is slow down. Don’t do anything until you have calmed down emotionally and sat down and thought this whole situation out. You need to determine logically the pros and cons of what you are doing and the effects it could have on yourself and your family–without all of the anger and other emotions that are circling through your head at the moment. After doing that, perhaps you can discuss things rationally with your husband and make some progress that might include counseling. Things may work out, or they may not, but don’t act so hastily. Best of luck!
My 19 year old son, the cell phone expert
says that it is a possibility to block a number through your phone–not the provider–but is not available on every phone. Outside of that, I hope that you are not answering the texts, and you might want to consider some sort of restraining order or harassment charge just to get him to back off. You don’t need to call the cops, but perhaps your attorney can send him a letter (or call him) to scare him a bit.
Hi Doug, thanks for getting back to me. No, we’re not answering his texts. I must check some more into the blocking of his texts. I went online but couldn’t find any software there either
You might want to check your phone operation manual
Quick little bit I found on verizon was a spam block for certain phone numbers. You can add numbers to block calls and text from that number. If your on verizon I can help you find that.
Great idea – never thought of that ! Thanks
Michael, thanks for that. Unfortunately I’m not on verizon.