Once again it’s our monthly feature where our discussion is completely open to whatever you want to talk about. It’s kind of scary how quickly the weeks fly by.
This is Open Mic #8 and we hope that there are some things that are going on that you can share with everyone.
So…
- What’s on your mind?
- Have any successes to share? Big or small.
- Got a question? Ask it.
- Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
- Any good books you’d like to discuss?
- What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
- What’s working or not working?
- Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
- Summer is right around the corner…Any good vacations planned?
- Any suggestions for future topics?
Please don’t be shy. If there is anything whatsoever on your mind, please leave a comment below.
Thanks!
Linda & Doug
176 replies to "Open “Mic” Discussion #8"
Disclosure: Does the BS have a right to ask reasonable questions and should the CS be obligated to answer truthfully, if they are trying to repair the marriage? Over 16 months of discovery almost nothing came voluntarily. It was found piece by piece. First just online chatting, then sexting, now discovered full-blown PA. All the while asking specific questions, I was flat-out lied to. Now there seems to have been a “revelation”, but I can’t seem to get full disclosure or have confidence what I am getting is truthful. Wife says “God has forgiven me, why not you?” Counselor says give it time and work through the process. I say it’s been two years, that’s too long already. I need to know what I’m being asked to forgive so I can make an informed decision. I want to know the key facts (who, when, where, how not gory details.
Highroad, yes, absolutely a spouse has the right to ask any question and if all she can say is “Why can’t you forgive me if God has?” then my experience is that there is still something being hidden. If she doesn’t want to help you understand, if she can’t be honest about what she did then she’s not fully in the marriage. It hurts. I know. Trust can’t be repaired if there isn’t honesty.
“God has forgiven me, why not you?”
That statement is utter rubbish and I agree with Saw The Light it smacks of being a cop-out of some sort.
Let’s make some assumptions:
God is perfect.
Man is imperfect
God forgives
Man wants to forgive
If we go a step further, and allow that God knows all we’re thinking and feeling, well, man cannot (Ladies, you really, really need to work on this, We have no idea what’s going on in your heads 😉 ).
So finally we get to what she’s assuming; Even with the best intentions it is wrong for man to not forgive when God has already forgiven,
Well it just doesn’t make any sense at all. Using the above assumptions, God knows all, man does not. God knows what’s in her heart. At this point, you are probably clueless what’s really in her heart and even if you try and assume the best, you have a really, really hard time believing it.
If you want to be forgiven, first you need to ask for forgiveness and second, you need to show that you truly want forgiveness. If your words and actions don’t show this each and every day, then either you’re still doing something that you shouldn’t be, or you just don’t understand what your spouse needs to heal.
Tell her what you need. Make it clear, completely and utterly clear what you need to begin healing. When she replies, ask her to repeat what you just said so that you know she understood your meaning. Many times, words are misread, lost in the translation, etc. Asking your spouse to repeat what you just said can work wonders in improving understanding.
When my wife-ish was in the depths of the affair-fog, I began using this tactic and to my alarm, what she heard vs what I said were drastically different. I was able to use this tactic to calmly and positively reinforce my statements.
I honestly don’t know if any of this makes any sense at all. It’s late and it’s been a tough work week. :)~
Overwhelmed, you men need to be open too, lol, I know we appear to be mind readers, because we are so intuitive lol, but we need to hear it too.
I am so open with my h, always telling him what I think, lol. I think more now than ever before.
How is everything going on your end? I hope things have improved a lot for you and your w.
Good advice, with the repeating what was said.
Oh, SR, not at all. It’s just a waiting game now. Waiting for the courts to drag this out as long as possible all while living under the same roof.
Ohh overwhelmed, I’m sorry, your w is very foolish, what can I say. Here she has a descent man, a beautiful family and she is looking at throwing it all away, for some loser. Crazy, I do hope she wakes up, otherwise I know she will end up regretting the wrong decision.
Hang in there, I know we are all thinking of you.
Well, I was informed at my hair appointment last night that my ex has a new girlfriend.
She’s beautiful, tan, thin and an excersise freak. Oh and she wears low cut blouses all of which I did not.
I feel like the beginning when he told me about his ” soulmate” and the affair.
He found perfection something that I am not and never will be.
Not sure why my hairdresser felt the need to tell me she saw my ex and his new beautiful girlfriend.
I feel the rejection all over again. Just hurts.
Oh geeze…..don’t compare yourself to her sweetie!!!
He’s in a fog…I promise you the fad of this girl will wear off ….
It’s hard to look sexy when you’ve washed his laundry, cooked him dinner and dealt with his family.
It’s hard to look sexy when you’re washing his dirty underwear.
Oh…and get a new hairdresser. She’s a bitc$
Rachel
More to the point do NOT let this bitch touch your hair!!
So what if she’s attractive blah blah blah. He probably picked her up at Hooters!
Hugs to you though and yes find a new hair dresser 🙂
Rachel, listen to me! Your ex’s so called girlfriend does not matter! Tall, thin, whatever, all that crap does not matter! You are a wonderful person, that is what matters. She may be a wonderful person, or not. Whichever way, she is not your concern.
Your hairdresser was probably trying to get a reaction from you so she would have something to gossip about. Sad, but true. She wanted to upset you, and she did. This girl could even be a friend of hers. What I do in these situations is just look at the person like “I can’t BELIEVE you just said that.” Just for a second, then look off into space a bit. Then say, “hmmm, that’s nice.” Then walk away or change the subject. Whatever you do, do not let the other person control the conversation. Take care of yourself and forget that conversation AND your ex.
Giz just seeing this one. In my minds eye I could see you sitting across from Rachel, leaning forward, elbows oh you needs, holding out your hands to grip hers, and looking her right in the eye…”listen to me….”
What a wonderful picture that put in my heart.
Without “knowing” each other, I know that you care!
And, Rachel, I bet you$50 she has fake breasts she is wearing all those low cut shirts to show. She and your ex are probably running neck and neck in the Narcissism Race, lol.
Funny giz.
I have to agree Rachel, your ex may have this new girlfriend, but honestly she will not ever compare to what he had with you. You are the mother of his children, she is not. He wants so,some hanging off him, to make him feel and look good, then let him, because underneath is still the same. This new girlfriend may be pretty and a gym junkie, but maybe that is all she has going for her.
Please don’t compare yourself, your h hurt you tremendously, who’s to say that he won’t do the same to hs girlfriend or her to him, or even the next girlfriend he finds. The problem is, your exh is nw trying to replace you, good luck with that I say, because he won’t get another like you. You loved him for the better part of his life, the op will out up with his new attitude, his – I’m getting old, I want to be young, so I’m going to act like a teenager. Honestly, how many women, will put up with this new person he has become, they may get tired of him not wanting to grow up. Unless they don’t have a brain to begin with. I think any decent woman that finds out that the reason he had a divorce was due to infidelity, then I’m sure they would back away. So I’m guessing this new woman doesn’t even know, and if she does know then maybe it is just a fling for her too.
How is this new man of yourrs? Remember you are having a grown up relationship, one that you deserve.
Can you change hairdressers? Maybe it would be good for you to not have someone that you both know doing your hair, because it’s not right she would want to make a conversation like she did, she would have known that it would upset you.
Hugs to you
Thank you all.
My h was never happy with me period. I didn’t want to do things he wanted me to do.
Walking around the house in my undergarments was one odd request (sorry). We have two boys they were teenagers and friends coming and going. H said it’s just like your wearing a bathing suit. I wouldn’t do it among other requests that I won’t go into.
I guess I’m just feeling the rejection hitting hard again. I was never good enough for him. And now he has found the perfect woman. I was never perfect. He always gave me suggestions to improve myself .
I fought for his attention constantly as of which I lost that battle.
My new man isn’t like that at all. Loves everything about me. He is still hurting over rejection from his ex. I feel like we are a couple of misfits.
And now my search is on for a new hairdresser. The other one is fired!!
Thank you all.
Rachel…who gives a shit about him. You are a special, unique individual….please don’t give him that power. We will see how beautiful she is when shes cleaning up his puke and washing his dirty underwear. Asking you to wear undergarments in front of your teenagers is just wrong. Hang on to how far you have come and your bright future ahead.
Oh and Rachel ditch that hairdresser ASAP
Broken 2,
My ex is just the most bizzare person on this earth. He didn’t pay the car insurance of my youngest and I got a letter about it. He forgot he said. I saidmjust pay it off . He said ok I will. In the fog again!!!! Whenever he gets attention from a woman he can’t function !!!! It’s unreal!
My mother thinks he ignored the bill just to get a rise in me. And he did. How do you forget your kids aver someone else??? He makes me sick!!
Yes I have gotten rid of the hairdresser!!!!
Rachel, I’m glad, you don’t need a hairdresser that has to gossip.
As for your exh, forget him, no one will ever be good enough, he wants to mould someone into his perfect woman, well there will be a fault with everyone he meets and gets to know. I am so sure that there will be things he will want to change in each woman he comes across.
Don’t change for anyone, stay the person you are.
Glad all is going well with your new man. I guess he will see what it is like to have someone in his life that is true.
Rachel, what I wish you and I and some others could change about ourselves -yes, change, is to be disinterested in people that are shallow, that don’t deserve our interest and thoughts about them. To be totally and fully ‘disinterested!’ in these lower beings.
We seem to let our self esteem be ruled by people who are not worthy of thoughts. This is what baffles me about myself. I ask myself ‘why do I really love this man who hurt me in the deepest way?’ My h stayed and treats me like gold-now, (I feel in my gut that it was his intention to protect himself first) BUT he still works in a government building full of women who want a boost and could care less about his family and only want their own egos stroked. Even though he says he watches what he says now, I know he flirts or at least indulges them with attention. I had a counselor that said ‘he has to have some joy at work- you can’t take away his friendly personality’ And that is true. I just wrestle every day with how long I can live with a man like this who needs his ego stroked and stroked. I feel love/hate towards him. I want to be with someone who has true integrity in all areas of his life, who protects me first and I protect him first.
I believe it’s our own egos that let our self esteem be ruled by these shallow hearted people. Why do we want these kinds of people to love us? I also think we feel shattered because we put these people on this pedestal, like a trophy that looks all shiny and golden but they’re really made of plastic. And no matter how much you polish plastic it’s still plastic and then they do something nice and I think to myself, ‘well, plastic has it’s purpose’
I just wish I wasn’t the kind of person who cared about a ‘plastic’ or even what these ‘plastics’ thought of me. Why do we care? Is it our own egos that fail us?
Also, I often wonder about the existence of sisterhood and brotherhood. One thing is, I do believe it exists here! We are lucky to at least have each other to work through these traumatic times. This is one place I feel safe and that others would cover my back if they physically could. Thanks everyone! this goes out to Eyes Opened too, who I think is a really special person in that she’s facing her dark side head on and trying to become a better person.
The CS in my opinion, should answer ALL Qs honestly. However there is a fear if they do, there will be even more problems. This is what my cheating H told me as he sincerely wants to save our marriage and has deep regret and remorse for what he did.
My issue is when he ended it with her I believed him. Then he went back a few months later. And that lasted 3 months. Those 3 months he was telling me how great we were and he loved our new relationship. he was telling me he was happy.
And now I am the best thing in his life. I feel like the consolation prize.
Honestly he is trying very hard and doing everything possible. I love him and yes we have 2 children. But his mid life crisis and choices may be more than i can take. This has been 9 months of living hell.
So any advice from successful couples who are past this? I could use any ideas as now this is all on me whether to stay and have faith OR leave with my remaining insanity intact.
This is for CBB..
Im no counselor, nor specialist, I’m not part of a success story that will uplift your spirit, but if there is no honesty now, then what, you are the only one capable of keeping your insanity. Always keep in mind that a marriage is a 50/50 business whenever one of the partners go out the agreement things must be taken care of.
The only advise I can give you is always speak with him, tell him what you feel, get angry, sad, annoy, whatever you want, explain him the reasons you are there, why you marry him and what you need from him…whatever you don’t tell him will get back sooner or later to hunt you and keep you unease.. been there and is no good, for you your children, your relation . Of course you and I have something in common, we are the ones been left out, cheat, mislead…whatever you want to call it, but you know what, there is always hope, there is always a way, there is always a reason, I believe that someone somewhere invented something like “the truth will set you free”, if you are not sure that you will be capable of handling “real truthful” honest answers, you better don’t ask for them. Sometimes we believe we can, and then rage, despair and other bad thoughts get in…I hope this few words help you.. you will be the first person in the whole word who finds below what I am dealing right know..
Hi everyone…for me is been almost two weeks of full emotional rollercoaster since finding out that 18 year marriage was going down the drain because of an EA my wife has been engage for the last four month, weve been taking, discussing, reasoning, schedule therapy, everything going in the right direction, but unfortunately trust is gone, we all need to work as to gain back whatever was missing and figure things out….In my situation my W has been getting the wrong signals from surrounding “friends” who instead of help, simply encourage the affair, when I found out, she was plainly discussing her feelings toward another man with people I don’t even know, and eventually finding out that their concept of a healthy way of living is fool around if possible, you will always have a home three kids and a husband to go back to.. At this moment my thoughts and feelings are in distressed, I really know my wife we were friends before becoming a couple and getting married,
never ever in my whole life I would consider been facing this predicament. Early this morning I just found on her phone, that she still discusses with her cousin about letting things cool out with the other man, and let it be. Of course I confronted her she never deny anything, I guess if she were completely unfaithful and told me she is in a full blown sexual relation affair, I would go crazy, but that’s it, due to the fact that I really know her and certainly know things have not gone that far, makes everything more difficult to deal with…She honestly wants to maintain or marriage, our family and our lives in sync, but I just explain to her if she was not willing to keep her mindset in the real things, I’m out… Sad to say that her emotional affair started when she went to work as the legal administrator of a family friend who was in the middle of a very contentious divorce, with lots of assets, properties and wealth…unfortunately for me during this period she has been involved so much in his life that she forgot she already has one with a husband three kids, the older one with special needs.. Don’t get me wrong, I will never used my kids, or any other special circumstance to promote any guilt on her behavior…in my case im 51 she is 46, between dealing with her menopause, my not so understanding attitude and a lot of other things, this situation can turn fast in to a nightmare…
One thing is true, and I learned it here reading from all of you…no one will tell me that my marriage went directly to the toilet, because I didn’t try. for me writing down this will set me free at least for the time been.. From where I come from, this type of problems are resolved without outside intervention, Puertorican males usually don’t express/discuss their feelings in public, I know I don’t belong to that group.
Thanks everyone for just been there, my problems are not so different than the others, but we all agree that we will do our best to salvage what is left in our relations, or like someone said “better safe than sorry” I will die trying until theres no more hope….Love you all … God Bless.. Keep us safe
Alfonso, I think here is a nice place to speak out and get things of your chest. This type of stress really isn’t good to hold onto, because it will just send you crazy. So I am really glad you are here, and amongst those of us that truly understand what you are going through. Your wife’s friends, don’t sound like they are good influences on her, to tell her she will always have her husband and children to go home to, absolutely unbelievable.
Good luck I truly hope your wife wakes up and sees what she can potentially lose before it is too late.
As your nametag says..strenghtrequired, I’m getting all that strength, good vibes and encouragement from all of you..thanking the Lord for your help and consideration during this hard times..
Please forgive my grammar, sometimes is difficult to express whats in my head and translate it to a proper way from Spanish to English in order to make some sense, is easier said than done..
Don’t worry about grammar, Alfonso. Just keep coming here, especially when you need some support, because there may be days, when you just need it more than other days. No one will really understand the pain you are going through unless they have been through it themselves. So here, we all know exactly how you feel.
You just need to make sure that you understand that it was nothing you have done, that caused your wife to stray, no matter whether she tells you it is her fault or not.
Just look after yourself, and your children, as at a time like this they need you.
Blue, that so called counselor is a moron. You dont go to work to “find joy” like it’s a nightclub. And having a “friendly personality” doesn’t mean flirting with other women. What baloney. and these cheaters just run with it. one reason I personally avoid “counselors”.
Blue, I thought your response to Rachael was EXCELLENT, btw. There is so much emphasis on the superficial in our society. Truth is, most of us could be “sexier, ettier, chestier , lol” etc IF that is where we want to put our efforts. Personally, I dont. Seems like a waste of time, like you say, trying to impress the wrong people.
The ow my h picked was not thinner, prettier smarter. She looks like a dirty pillowcase frankly. I’m well educated, well dressed, always take care of myself. Seeing her was a real head scratcher. He never took her to events, he was embarrassed by her clothing and demeanor. So it has nothing to do with looks, it’s their own emptiness. That candy coated shell is very very ugly inside.
Jeddy…I like the dirty pillowcase analogy….very funny. My hubbys OW looks like a chicken…..she actually has a beak for a nose. I don’t think looks have anything to do with it either but it sure destroys your self esteem initially doesn’t it?
Broken, I’m still struggling with my self esteem since my h ea. I don’t see anything appealing in myself anymore. The ow was skinnier than me, and also seemed to think she was better than me, and for a while my h did too.
Strength ,
Those dumb asses always think the ow is prettier and oh so charming. They are blowing smoke these guys asses. They are miserable so they go after married men for attention.
And the married men need their egos stroked so they go after it.
Don’t worry about weight you are fine just how you are. You are you!
You are beautiful inside and out.
Rachel Thankyou, I gave my h six beautiful kids, 4 of which were c/sections, so my stomach is not the best, so I look down and see why my h chose someone else, so now he is with me, I guess I see myself as even more undesirable, because he was able to take his attention else where. If an ego needed to be stroked it should have been mine.
Oooops, sb prettier, not ettier, lol
Lol giz, I was trying to figure out what ettier was,
Alfonso thanks for the response. It wasn’t until I confronted my H with the facts of the affair part 2 and told him to leave did he get it(finally). He knew I was serious.
He had ended it w/ the OW a few days before I found out. However he did tell me we were over for the 2nd time in a week (and I had NO IDEA) he had been seeing the OW again. A fee hours later he claims he was wrong and wanted us to stay together.
His actions the past few months have been 100% but now it is me. I am completely open & honest. I love him even after all this BUT do I allow myself to be in the position of this potentially happening again?
I have to choose between logic and reality versus blind faith. I pray everyday for guidance and wisdom. I really do.
The turning point came when I asked him to leave. Seems to be the turning point for many marriages when “the confrontation” happens. I was prepared for the outcome good or bad. I managed to save some $ and told him if he wants me to stay, he will have to sign a post-nup agreement that he has no access to the $. He agreed.
Alfonso I feel bad that your W listens to friends w/ bad advice and no morals. Divorce is not my first choice but I believe if one party truly no longer wants to be married, do the right thing. Do not cheat. It only makes matters worse.
Alfonso start to do some things for you and for your own sanity. Read a book, exercise, join a gym, go for a walk (this helped me tremendously). Go to church and ask God for help (this also helped in the first few months and weeks when I was sure my H was leaving me and kids). Do it for you!
Restore your self esteem and self worth. It can do wonders for you. Trust me I was in your shoes. Put yourself first for once and try to do something to boost your spirits.
CBB …is good to speak with someone who knows firsthand the complexity of dealing with infidelity and the burden it carries for anyone involved.. for my part I always go to the same place to ask for help, guidance, clarity and serenity, praying is always the best way to go, fortunately for us mortals, God will always be there no matter what…thanks for your understanding and kindness, one thing is sure from now on I will include you on my prayers…God will guide us through. Hope your life like mine turn out to be the best you can make of it..do not hesitate to reach for help, I just did and makes a whole lot of difference…
Where does ONE start & when does ONE stop trying to save, heal, & grow their marriage/relationsip when your CS wants nothing to do with you (except repair the vehicle she is driving, pay the vehicle insurance, pay her health insurance, pay her life insurance & wants to use the riding lawnmower to mow the grass @ OUR house I moved out of)???? This much I have learned during the 1 year 5 day anniversary of (my wife’s EA) D Day, ONE cannot save, heal & grow their marriage/relationship by THEMSELVES! It is as they tell us:, LOVE/MARRIAGES/RELATIONSHIPS ARE A TWO WAY STREET!!!! To ALL of you out there who are HURTING from the BETRAYAL of your CS, I feel your PAIN & I am so very sorry that you are having to go through this!!!! I can tell you from my own experience that IT WILL GET BETTER!!!! YES YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOUR CS EVEN THOUGH YOU DO NOT THINK IT IS POSSIBLE!!!! The AFFAIR DEVIL does not care how long your relationship/marriage has lasted! Everyone’s relationship/marriage can become vulnerable if ONE chooses to take the selfish, pathetic, cowardly leap to the greener side of the fence! ONE must finally come to REALITY & REALITY SUCKS!!!! ONE must REMEMBER & ACCEPT that the CS judgement day will come & the truth will be revealed to ALL HURT BY THE EA!!!! The HARD part to ACCEPT is that the REALITY of judgement day is NOT NOW!!!! WE (BS) WILL RECOVER!, WE WILL HAVE A CLEAR CONSCIOUS OUR CS WILL NOT!!! The house of cards will fall for the CS & when it does it will feel like a house of bricks! Peace & Comfort to ALL of US BS!!!!
I feel like I’m on a roller coaster.
Good days, bad days. I want off!!!!
I think I’m sadder for my boys.
Their father didn’t even give them anything for Easter .
I know it’s not a gift giving day but just anlittle pocket change is nice to have.
I worry about my kids future now that their father is with the gold digging barbie doll . And yes giz, I do believe the boobs are fake.
They must compete with the mirrors. He couldn’t walk past one without staring at himself.
Probably have one above the bed too, ewww.
Thank you all for your uplifting words. I am so grateful to have this site to go to.
You got that right, Jeddy. From what I’ve seen on the internet, most of them are pretty damn ugly on the outside too, lol.
Great day!! I got a new hairdresser!!!!!
I didn’t post anything last week on this and felt like things have been going pretty well in our recovery. Then this week we were so busy that I had too much time to think and I am ashamed to say I whirled right back to that bad place of feeling less than good enough. Too fat. Too old. Not blonde. Less than perfect for my husband. And then feel so so angry for feeling that way and then anger at him for “doing this to me. How can I continue to let this damned EA do this to me 2 1/2 years later?
Had to vent & relay what happened this weekend. My H and I were invited by one of our best friends to go to Boston for the weekend, see a Red Sox game, etc. We were having a great day, and at dinner Saturday evening, out of the blue this 40ish blond woman on her way to the restroom, stops at our table, throws an arm around my H and asks “How is food is here? My girlfriends & I just came in from Minnesota and don’t know where to go eat, blah, blah, blah. ” We were all stunned. I threw darts with my eyes and said that we don’t know; we’re from out of town. She continued on to the ladies room, and on her way back, stopped at another table to do the same thing, then flirted shamelessly with the host of the restaurant. I swear, these whores are everywhere & don’t even care if the wife/girlfriend is right there. As much as I tried, it did end up somewhat ruining my evening.. I tell ya…most people are just awful. I have lost so much faith in humanity. On the bright side, my H did not react, I know he didn’t instigate it, and was very sweet to me that evening. That whore just made me so angry.
Rachel, good for you!
Ugh, Lynsey, these Road Whores (literally, in this case) will stop at nothing to get their required little Ego Boost. Especially the Aging ones. She probably goes around bragging that guys hit in her all the time and that other women are Jealous of her. It would be funny if she did this in front of someone’s wife and the wife jumped up and just started beating the hell out of her. My husband is a musician, which apparently makes these broads think they are open season to flirt with. There is one woman who comes to their shows all the time, she looks about 70 and dresses like Barbie on crack. She gropes every man who doesn’t slap her away, lol. One night she was talking about all the guys who chase her and are “in love” with her. You can tell she thinks everyone is jealous of her. I dont think so. Again, just hideous.
Maybe all these women that believe all the men love them, is because they are so ready to open their legs for any man that comes their way, that the man just uses them for that quick free lay, when ever they want it. If these women are so great then how come they aren’t married or can’t keep a man. Surely they wouldn’t need to brag, if they had so,done that actually loved them, why would you advertise it, or act skanky, if the were completely satisfied with themselves.
Heard today that the ex’s new woman cheated on her first husband. Not sure why her second marriage ended?
They are a perfect match!
So Rachel, he attracted someone that had no boundaries, just like him.
You attracted someone that has boundaries, funny hey, like attracts like.
I was thinking, maybe the perfect couple for each other, both willing and able to cause each other grief.
See Rachel your feeling bad about yourself over a horrible person. SHe is an embarrassment to our gender. Don’t waste another moment.
Yay Rachel. I am a hair Nazi. My hairdressers get one chance. They screw up one and I’m gone. I am not loyal to them. I have a great one now that I’ve been going to about a year. She’s very nice and does a great job. She’s expensive but I don’t care!!!!
The new GF sounds perfect for your ex. Karma baby:)
Tiredofitall, I know exactly how you feel regarding why you are still bothered by your husband’s cheating. You are not too old, too fat, and too non blonde because I know people that fit those categories and their spouse didn’t cheat. It really is them, not your shortcomings, or the affairpartner’s wonderfulness.
Anyway, I had an experience last Monday to share. For some reason, I felt wonderful. Not related to my husband, or my marriage, or my job, or anything external. I finally realized that I felt like ME, and that I hadn’t really felt like me in a long time. It’s been almost five years since my husband told me he was a cheating scum and wanted a divorce. unfortunately, I caught him contacting his Roadwhore off and on for a couple more years and explaining it. ugh. So it’s been about three years since this shit ended.
Oops, got a phone call. Anyway, due to that my recovery was set back to day one. I quickly found out that feeling like myself again was not an entirely good thing cause I was pissed. It’s kind of like an alien invaded your body and took over your mind because I definitely had to stuff my true self down for a long time. It’s like being a Stepford Wife or something. Now, I feel a little militant cause I’m not taking any crap. This is a good thing, but it brings ups and downs with it. I feel like I betrayed myself to stay with this guy, and now I am unapologetically me, he can either like it or not. If he EVER even attempts to defend this skank to me again, we are done. And thats fine cause who really wants an unreformed cheater anyway. Just thought maybe thats whats happening to you to. Getting your mojo back…
Thank you Giz for taking time to comment. I know I am not alone but I just long for that secure “normal” back. I’m starting to think I have to expect that that will never happen for me. Does it happen for everyone or do affairs change us permanently and eternally? I am so worried that one day I will just say enough is enough-I can’t do it anymore and leave. I love my husband. I love our girls and I love the life we built together but I hate with a passion how this has stolen my security and my peace of mind.
You are writing how I feel. I want to feel normal again, and am worried I won’t feel like that again. I don’t want to feel like I can’t trust anymore, I don’t want to feel like this ea has affected me and how I view my family and place in this family so greatly. I feel like I need to be informed of just how much I mean to my h a lot, and I mean a lot. I think it is because if he doesn’t tell me all the time, then it feel like I am ready to walk. I have told my h that I think our family is broken, we moved a while ago, yet my h is still not really with us, due to how far we moved away from the business, so he needs to stay where the business is five nights a week. Then we have my oldest due to our move, and not being.a place for him I to sleep, he had to find a place of his own, (I hate it), then my next oldest, well he is finally back with us again, but was away from us for a year due to needing to finish school. (Hated that too) yet now that he is back with us, he misses his friends, he misses the people he used to work with, and just really isn’t liking it where we are living now, he even had a run in with one of his new managers, which has taken him by surprise and now I feel bad that we moved because he is so unhappy. Yet there is nowhere for him to stay, where we used to live. Then we have our younger 4 children, 2 of which when we moved, behaved so badly for a while, hated school, missed their friends, and now they have made new friends, they don’t want to move back under any circumstances, they love it here. Then the younger two, it hasn’t been any easy ride for them either, they have had to come to terms with the idea that daddy isn’t around very much, ohhh how all my 4 younger children miss their dad. It is sad, very sad. Then me, I feel peace now, where we live, not like the mess I was when the ea came out, and having that crazy ass ow, going to places I would shop, or go to the places my h would take me, and knowing that she knew where I was, and who knew really what she was capable of. I couldn’t breathe where we were, and now although I feel very lonely, no family or friends around, my h not around, I feel like I can still breathe. Yet I long for that normalcy again, because I feel robbed of it, I feel my family were robbed of it, and we all have suffered something terrible that affected us individually. At times I want to just move back, so my h can be with his family, my second oldest can be happy again, my younger 4 can be with their daddy. Yet the older two out of the younger 4 refuse to move. So I feel that our family is broken until we can be all together like a normal family. This at the moment is just too much, and I blame myself for not being strong enough to remain living where we were.
So I honestly long for the day, that the normalcy of being a family happens soon, that we can finally afford the money and time to relocate our business, and find a place to move into that will have room for our oldest too, to come and stay when needed. Yet I know, I stand up for myself so much more now. Yet I don’t believe I have had the chance to truly find that healing yet, due to not having my h not being around.
So I guess I have to keep being patient, and try being positive that it will happen.
Strength,
I don’t think any of us will have a “normal” life after what we all have been thru.
It’s unfortunate. We are all good people.
My dr put me on medicine for PTSD . Please, when am I going to heal????
I guess we have to take each day, one at a time. Baby steps.
I hope things work out for you and your family.
Thanks Rachel, my dr wanted to put me in meds too, yet I am hesitant. They wanted me on them back at the start of the ea, I had a few but decided to stop, after my h wanted me to be on them, but wanted the ow to be off them. She used to tell him that the only way she would be ok, if she would see him and hear his voice, so he was there for her, so she would stay off the medication, she was supposedly taking , I don’t believe she was taking anything, just wanted him to feel bad for her.
Yet here I was I struggling and trying so hard not to go on them, that he actually wanted me to take them, go,figure.
In the end though, he told her she needed serious mental help. Funny how his opinion changed.
I do hope you start healing soon, hopefully soon one day you will wake up and just feel good and in a better place mentally. It will happen for the both of us, wish it will happen sooner than later though.
No matter which way you look at it Rachel, your h traded down, you on the other hand traded up. Smile honey, you and your children will have a wonderful life to look forward too. Your children have a mother that is good and descent, someone they can always count on, that is so good for them because they have you.
Thank you, strength for your kind words.
Just wanted to say Rachel, don’t let your h take anymore from you than what he already has. Remember you are strong and you have dignity and integrity, do not let him make you feel worthless, he is the one that is not worthy of you. Don’t give him that power to make you feel depressed about yourself, he doesn’t deserve any more power over you. Remember how incredibly worthy of being happy you are.
Oh I forgot, the g.f. Is 5 years older than him. I bet his ego is bigger than ever now!!
Hey Tired
This is the new normal. Yes the affair has profoundly affected you and all your relationships will never be the same. Not one. I don’t know with time if it will be better but it will define fly be different. We are suspicious of everyone and everything. There is nothing so life changing as betrayal as from those closest to you. It alters your psyche. Sometimes it’s awful but sometimes it’s empowering. We are no longer those trusting naive dolts. We see so clear how others tend to lie to us and use us. We are suspicious of everyone and everything. What’s real and what isn’t? You have to go deep inside and really get in touch with who you are and what you want. Your marriage may last or it may not. He cold be run over by a bus too. You can’t dwell on what may or may not happen. It will drive you nuts.
I hope I’ve helped and please know you are not alone in this.
You all have helped. I know others have had the same experiences. For me, discovering the EA for the first time led to immediate apologies and rebuilding. I believed it was over. We prayed, made love, talked, read books, journaled, etc. AND THEN nearly two months later I found out my H and OW were still talking daily. The second DD killed a part of me. I feel like I was living with the devil. I can understand the initial slip and EA on some level, but I cannot seem to wrap my head around the continuation of the affair-despite what I have learned about the “affair fog”. It seems like I should have won out in that battle after creating a life and marriage of 20+ years with this man. This second dd is what I can’t seem to get past.
I understand tired, how many ddays I went through, honestly I wonder why I still stayed. Once my h decided that he wanted his family, I expected it to be done and dusted with the ow. Time and time again I find out different. I too figured that our 21yr marriage at the time should have won out, the family we created, but it was so much more harder for me to get the ow out of our lives, than I ever would have imagined. I guess my h had to find himself to do it, didn’t help me much though. Yet I stayed and wanted my family together, for the sake of our children.
There are days I ask think maybe I should have just walked, but I guess deep down, I did what I was supposed to do.
Hang in there tired, you are trying to understand why all this happened in the first place, why your h became so vulnerable to the advances of the ow, instead of keeping his head held high for the sake of hurting you and your children, unfortunately I wonder the same, just not sure I will ever understand what really went through my h head, apart from a lot of manipulation from the ow.
To all who have lived with these affairs (either physical or emotional)here are a few things I have learned from counseling.
1. Not our fault but their choice.
2. You can never look at the CS quite the same way ever again.
3. You must now accept the CS as a liar and a cheater.
4. if two people really want it then they can get past the infidelity. But the CS must really want the marriage to continue.
5. Recovery is a long road closer to 2 years before things are restored. The 24 months in between are rollercoaster times.
6. Triggers are forever until you can get past them. Sometimes never.
7. you have to decide if you are better off with this person or without (knowing they are a cheater and liar).
CBd
Those are Words of Wisdom that you have told all of us BS!
I would like to add a few things that I have learned from my counseling for my NIGHTMARE!
The BS was not given a choice about the affair!
The CS is a selfish & unhappy person!
The affair is & was all about the CS, it has NOTHING to do with the BS!
The CS will try to BLAME the affair on the BS. The BS is NOT to blame, the CS is 100% responsible for the affair, no one else!
Peace & Comfort to all!
I haven’t been able to go to a counselor so it is good to hear these things. I am 2 1/2 years out and still have triggers. The triggers make me sad and hurt me, but they do not send my heart racing like the panic attacks that they once did. I guess despite my latest setback, I am making progress. It saddens me that I will never be that girl/woman who trusted and loved my H with my whole heart. It was important for me to hear from your experiences that although that’s the case, that I can still go on to have a happy marriage. That is what working for.
Tired
You still love him with all your heart. Matter of fact you may even love him more because now you see that he is so flawed and insecure and right now is when he needs all the love you can give to him.
Love has never been the question. I’m sure your H loved you even while carrying on with the OW. There’s a difference between loving someone and acting in a loving way. Love has NOTHING to do with any of this.
It’s a matter of trust, and respect, and setting firm boundaries. Keep loving your H and showing your love and let him show you his but make him work to earn your trust back. You may never trust him completely, I know I don’t but I don’t doubt for one minute my love for my husband or his for me.
No you won’t be the same ever. None of your relationships will be the same ever but it will be different and different isn’t necessarily bad.. Try to stay positive, the triggers are for shit!!! Hate them. I had one the other night at the WORST POSSIBLE TIME if you know what I mean. I so had to focus to get it out of my head but it worked!!!
Give yourself a break, don’t try to rush it and face those fears and insecurities head on and tell them they are not going to beat you down!
Lol!!! I know exactly what you mean! I occasionally have triggers at most un-opportune time! Glad I’m not the only one! Thank you for that and your awesome words!
Trying Hard, I think you make a very valid point that the majority of cheaters do actually love their spouses. When I cheated I never once felt I didnt love my husband, I just felt I loved two people, pretty much equally. Ughhh, made me sick to write that. But, like most cheaters the reality was that I couldn’t face my problems head on and solve them. My current husband never told me he didn’t love me, even once. I think he also pursued his Rancid Whore cause it was “the path of least resistance.” His words, not mine. (He didn’t know how to confront his problems and solve them either. ) No wonder shes so damn flattered by the attention. Snicker, snicker….
Trying Hard -you are right. I do love him with my whole heart. I always have. (At least all the heart that ain’t broken.) My H has said over and over that he never stopped loving me but I have a hard time believing that because I don’t love like that. It was so kind of you to validate him. And me for feeling what we do. Thank you!
Tired
Well keep knowing and feeling that love. You forget about that and you are dead in the water. You have way bigger fish to fry than just love. That has got to be a given if you have any kind of chance in hell of doing this.
So yes, he did not act in a very loving way. We all love differently. I never realized that before until I read it in one of the 1,000 books on infidelity. Just because you love one way doesn’t mean your H necessarily loves in the same way. Also you have probably lost respect for him so you are going to have to work hard to find those aspects about his personality and character that you do respect and focus on those.
Trust can wait a while. He has to do A LOT and consistently until there is even a remote chance of that coming back and DO NOT be afraid to let him know that. What ever you do do not say, Oh yes Honey I trust you, when you know damn good and well you don’t. You can say I’m working on it and when you do XYZ it ups the trust. I watch for the small stuff. Like last night I looked up to see my husband was watching me do the dishes and he had a smile on his face. That freaking spoke volumes to me. He loves buying me nice gifts but I would trade them all for more moments like that. I looked up and smiled at him and mouthed, I love you.
You can do it. I know you can. If I can you can.
Oh Giz
Of course they don’t love the OW, “…yeah, yeah, sure honey I love you…” now let me the eff out of here. My h’s words too. We call it the low hanging fruit and absolutely that’s what he did, his words as well.
Whatever…..
Okay, what is thise wrold coming to. I play online bingo every now and then, and they have online chatting. Now some of the conversations people have is well amusing at times.
Now I have seen people asking others would they be their friend, lol. Then I see people just openly tell people that their spouse has cheated on them, etc, this is while playing bingo….
Then you get others putting their two cents worth in, by saying, you people are crazy, people don’t want to see your conversations, just play bingo. Lol. I’m not one to sit and chat on these things, but every time it is the same. Men trying to get friendly with women, on there too. I just think, are these places starting to become some sort of pickup joint, even though it is on the internet.
I don’t know it just amuses me some of the conversations that are talked about on these things.
Maybe I’m still catching up with the times. Lol, but I would have thought if you want to meet a nice person, then what happened to meeting people the old way.
Rachel, I want to give you some advice for the future. This is what happened to me with numerous boyfriends over the years (and why I am so angry at my H for this situation). In the past a number of guys I dated (but did not sleep with at all) would end the relationship for various reason, including something better came along. Then when it did not work out with the Miss Wonderful, they would come crawling back after a few months full of apologies, saying they really loved me and missed me. Why? Because I had morals, qualities these low life whores do not possess, I worked hard and had a good job. I turned everyone away b/c I was never going to be the consolation prize.
I hope when your H realizes the mess he is in and tries to come crawling back to you, you are prepared for this. You will then have to decide what YOU want.
This is why I have inner turmoil with my H b/c while I do love him, I feel I am the consolation prize. And I have more pride and self-respect than that. But I have stayed even though this has been a 9 month nightmare. And he went back to her twice and he was not honest about his EA. Ever. Even after I forgave him he still could not 100% honest. He was afraid (his words not mine).
But I think you need to think get some clarity on this possibility. It seems the majority come running back at some point for a whole host of reasons, full of apologies. The thing is can you accept him back ?
Although the ex is in a new relationship, he emailed me and said that we should have separated. Well his idea of separating was he goes out and see if it’s good for him if it’s good we divorce. If it’s not good he’ll come home to work on our marriage.
Nope, I said. I think too much of myself to have to live like that.
He also said he was going to be with the soulmate in the future. All of which both our boys witnessed. The ex said he doesn’t remember saying that.
Guess the grass isn’t greener.
HAPPY MOTER’S DAY, MOTHER’S . We are incredible women!!!!!!
It’s been a few months since I’ve posted and It’s been 11 months since I discovered the EA my wife was having. I’ve experienced a torrent of emotions in that time, but my main focus has been in keeping the family together. I did confront the OM and it put an end to the contact. I really go back and forth as to whether I should have done it. I think in many ways I needed to do it to stand up for myself, but it didn’t solve the problem. We are together, but I kind of feel that I stopped the EA and that it would not have stopped had I not intervened so that really brings the issue of whether I can trust her again. I also believe that she has not shown true remorse for what she did. She continues to say that she didn’t have an affair only that she let herself be attracted to another man being nice to her, but no line was ever crossed.
I have also reached a point where I have fought so hard to keep us together and really felt that I was the only one fighting for that maybe I shouldn’t want this. I know that the fatigue if it all has something to do with my present mindset, but dang you just get tired of fighting. Is this natural to feel this way so long after discovering the EA?
YES!!!! Bex, I think this is completely normal! At least I know it is my normal and I am 2 1/2 years out from my discovery. I often feel I am the only one constantly thinking about the EA and that my H is back to status quo. It hurts, it is frustrating. I don’t have a good answer but you are not alone.
Bex,
You are ONE of the LUCKY ones that after you confronted the OM the contact stopped! The OM in my wife’s EA WILL NOT STOP after I confronted him, his wife confronted him, one of his friends confronted him & even after my wife stopped texting him! I DO NOT know if my wife was/is still contacting him by another way or not? First things first GREAT JOB by you on KEEPING your family TOGETHER!!!! You have YOUR priorities in the right place & you are doing the right thing!!!!
I know your pain about being the only ONE FIGHTING to keep EVERYTHING together! It will beat you down to a pulp sometimes but you have to keep TRYING/FIGHTING if you want your marriage to overcome the EA. My D DAY was just a little over 1 year ago & I stil struggle EACH & EVERYDAY with the EA that my wife like yours will not admit that she had an AFFAIR!
You do have another good thing going for you, that @ least your wife does acknoweldge that she was attracted to another man that was nice to her! I am sorry that you are NOT getting the remorse from your wife that you need in order for you to begin to trust her again! My wife has NEVER shown remorse, told me she is sorry what what she did, apologized or asked for forgiveness! My wife like yours says she did NOT have an affair BECAUSE our marriage was already over & she did not have sex with him????
Hang IN THERE & KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO KEEP YOUR FAMILY TOGETHER!!!! I hope & pray that your wife will come to her senses & HELP YOU HEAL YOUR MARRIAGE!
PEACE
Bex, I would be glad if I were you that you confronted the AP. it is a very large regret in my mind that I did not confront the bitch for so long. I feel that I was not true to myself, but you can’t change the past so I dont dwell on it.
To you and Betrayed Chump, it may not seem like it but one reason your spouses do not have to show a sense of commitment is because you are carrying that burden for them. I’ve seen it time and time again on here. If what you are doing doesn’t improve things, continuing to do it won’t have any more effect. I’m not an expert, but in my case, as long as you let them act like the victim and pine over an affair partner they will continue to do it. They dont have to worry about “catching” you or keeping you, cause you are already caught. They feel a sense of power over you. I got tired of it, and took my power back as did many others on here. There is no one more interested than me in keeping my family together but I’m not putting up with a bunch of bullshit from a cheater. It never seems to work anyway.
Hex, can I just say, as giz has mentioned, be happy you got the om away from your w. Honestly I wish me confronting the ow that my h had his ea with would have left so easily. Some just don’t get the hint, and somehow feel entitled. I do hope your w sees sense soon, she may wake up one day, with you deciding enough is enough. Maybe that day will. Be too late for her.
Good luck
Bex
My husband is on his Very Last Chance with me, and he knows it. he he has gotten more chances than any one person could possibly deserve. If he CHOOSES to date a whore, or sneak around texting, calling, eating lunch with a whore, etc. we are done. No questions asked, no explanations accepted. We are done. Effective immediately and externally DONE.
My husband and I have the same agreement. He has burned every bridge I’ve given him. We have agreed that this is his final chance to be the H I deserve!
Oops sb Eternally. Dang autocorrect, lol.
Good for you, Tiredof it all. Really what we are doing is going back to the expectations we had pre cheating and that almost all married people have anyway. No cheating, whether you admit it or not, is the standard for marriage. I somehow got away from that but like I’ve said I’m back to myself now.
Hello everyone, still here, always reading, always learning, feeling good, bad, worse, happy, whatever the day is like waiting for Drew Carey to call you “come on down your the next contestant for surviving Cheating right”… I know is pretty sarcastic, but its real, I need to learn to deal with it. For me and my W we have endure some difficult days, she already knows and understands my lack of trust, disbelief, hurt and all the heartache this EA has brought to our home. Three days ago I was so emotionally distressed and mad that I just simply walk out at 9:00pm in the middle of a heavy rain storm and keep walking for at least 15 minutes, I found myself wandering on a walking park nearby feeling the need for crying my pain out, I was not able to do it, then stopped in front of a nearby church, stair at this big cross in front of the building, and just like that I simply understand that no demon will stare at me fueling so much rage, bad thoughts and despair in my mind, heart and soul…I will be the one in control, my emotions even though in distress can and will be under my complete control. I walk back home, completely soaked, revive, mind and emotionally set. My wife knew what was going on, she just waited for me to feel at ease in order to speak with me about the event, she was smart enough to let me explain to her, I went in rage mode for her letting work related chores go before the kids and me. Seems a little drastic, but one of the things contributing to the EA was forgetting the priority a family, kids and home must have over any other responsibility. After some serious talking, a few tears, (not from me but from my W,) some hugs and kisses, always needed, certainly appreciated, we went back to sleep…until a new day will come. Please be aware I am dealing with my EA only for a couple of weeks (since good Friday) , even though I m sure that for me is a long..long way to go, I will survive, God has never left me, funny how you understand how easy is to subside to any trigger and let again the demons going back to take you. Please be advise, not really healthy going out under a thunderstorm to walk out your demons and fears, even though it work for me, be aware, serious health issues(flu and pneumonia) can result from this methods. Let me take the opportunity to congratulate all of you my dear lady friends, let me extent my whole gratitude, respect and good wishes for the upcoming Mothers Day, may the lord blessed your spirits, keep all hearts content and properly heal and feel the joy of knowing that there is no life without the love and care of you…MOM, ok and for those of you who are potential mothers…
P.S. Don’t have a clue of what to do for my W on sunday, my boys simply ask me to buy some flowers, a card for mom and maybe a gift, because they want to write mom I will have to go for three postcards, and let me tell you I will let her know that I feel blessed, proud and completely in love..only because she completes me as a human being, her husband and the father of our three kids…
I’m off for now..have to pickup the kids, blessings for everyone..keep in touch
Alfonso, what a beautiful message to us here, Thankyou. It sounds like a turning point for you, and also sounds like a turning point for your wife. I hope so. Take the opportunity this Mother’s Day, to show your wife what she means to you, I’m sure she already knows. Completely baffles me as to why they don’t until they see the pain they cause us over and over during their ea. why does it take an ea, for them to realise?
Please take care and I hope you didn’t get sick from your walk through the bad weather.
Rachel,
My X does similar things, actually always has. He seemed to always “forget” things that were important to me/his family, while some how remembering commitments he had made to everyone else. My sister suggested recently that he seemed to only want to do things that would gain him public admiration but would avoid doing things that were just expected of him.
I think that is one of the reasons why I have so much trouble wrapping my mind around him abandoning his family for someone else & her son, because it certainly isn’t generating the majority of people’s praise for him.
Also, what continues to trouble me, even 2 years later after my discovery, is that he was attending the OW’s son’s soccer games (while allegedly working) & while doing so was missing out on things such as seeing his baby girl crawl for the 1st time. But yet he told everyone that one of the reason’s for his leaving was because I kept him from being the kind of Dad he wanted to be.
Left behind, don’t you think it is funny how they forget about the family commitments so easily, especially when the ow is around to conveniently help them forget, yet somehow the commitments made to the ow, is always remembered, then it is everyone else’s commitments they remember, while we still wait.
Then when they come back to normality, they can conveniently forget the things they did and said to the ow, and conveniently forget that they weren’t around for the family at all.
My ex wished me a happy MOTHER’S day and said that i am a wonderful mother.
I just don’t get it?????
Why can’t he throw away my email address like he did our marriage ????
Well he has something right for a change, you are a wonderful mother. That’s something he can’t take from you.
Happy Mother’s Day, all you mothers.
Rachel, he’s a guy! He thinks this absolves him from all the crap he has put you through.
Typical. As if a compliment makes it all OK. He is acting like a 3 year old boy who got caught stealing cookies.
And you are a wonderful mother and you would never treat your family the way your H treated you and your family.
I have been looking to see if it has removed our surname yet off fb. Well she hasn’t, but her new name is up too, I clicked on the photos, and what comes up a new photo, one of a baby. Now, my question is if this was not her baby, do you think she would have put it up? I’m actually worried now, what if this is my h baby? I feel sick.
Oh no SR
I’m sorry you’re worried. Don’t jump to any coclusions until you’ve had a chance to talk to your H. You said she works with children, maybe it’s so done else’s baby. Think positive my friend.
This photo was uploaded a few months back, and would be approx 2-3months old at the time, which then would fit into the time frame my h was still seeing her, and lying to me about it.
I sent him a copy of the pic, and have asked him if it is his, I don’t want lies, and let him know how it fits in with the time frame. What’s funny is that this pic was hidden behind her second eldest pic. I have been looking at this pic trying to see if there are any resemblances to my h and even to my own bubs when they were this age. I truly feel sick.
I guess it doesn’t help that we have been apart so much, there has been opportunity with me and our kids not around. I need to know before I move back to our home. I’m shaking like a leaf right now. I’m guessing my h will have the shits with me, when he reads the message.
Yet h can I not ask, I would be naive if I didn’t, as well as stupid.
Strength, from what you have said about her, I seriously doubt this crazybitch could hsve had his baby and keep her big mouth shut about it this long. Think positively, if it is her baby, which it’s likely not, maybe she has transfered her psycotic obsession elsewhere.
SR – Giz has a great point. If crazy cousin it (cci) was preggers I have no doubt she would have pranced her bulging belly around like a trophy. Also, cci could be hoping you would catch sight of this and think just what you are thinking. She sounds certifiable from your descriptions – don’t put anything past her nutty a$$.
Like my Grandmother use to say, “Don’t believe half of what you see and nothing that you hear.”
Great point here SR
That CCI (LOL love the new moniker FCOL) would have been on your doorstep 10 minutes after the stick turned blue!!! No way she would have hidden the pregnancy from you or your kids!
Take 10 deep breaths and GO SHOPPING!
Thanks everyone, I wonder though because everything else is hidden, so I don’t get to see everything that goes on. Yet she wouldn’t have said anything if my h warned her not to. If he threatened he would stop seeing her, and if she desperately wanted him she would Probably be too scared to say anything. Funny thing is, it would prove why her mother was here the end of last year.
I’m trying to be positive, but not sure I can.
Can’t go shopping, it is too early.
Why do these affairs have to be so crippling to the soul.
No, Strength, I think if she actually did hsve his baby she would be totally out of control. She knows you would dump him, which she would love. When these whores think they have the upper hand they become very bold. and even stupi der than usual.
I hope you are right, I just don’t want to look like a foolish idiot anymore. If he did, this would break my children’s heart.
Far out, I have worked myself up abit, tears are flowing….
Strength, please don’t cry. I dont think this is true, BUT IF IT IS, you are not the idiot, he is. Shes still just plain cra cra.
Giz, I haven’t been able to stop, I feel like dday all over again. I see it also as my fault because I was not strong enough to stay where we lived. I am feeling broken today.
Strengthrequired:
STOP! STOP! STOP! You are a GOOD person, it is NOT YOUR FAULT, You did NOTHING to make your CS have an affair! The affair is NOT about YOU! Your CS is 100% responsible for the affair! You were NOT given a choice about the affair! DO NOT let them drag You down to their LOW LEVEL OF SELFISHNESS, LIES, CHEATING & PATHETIC LIFESTYLE! You are STRONG! PROVE it to YOUR KIDS & EVERYONE ELSE!
Show everyone who You really are as a person & mother! You can do it! All of us here will pray for you, for strength & comfort!
Strengthrequired:
Last week I went on FB for the first time in months, (I HATE FB, my wife’s EA started out on FB) & it triggered me like it was DDay all over. I had NOT devoted any of my energy to checking on who my CS was still friends with or who she had been FB & what she had been FB about! Then when I look @ her FB it was DDAY again for me also! Stop putting ANY of your energy into the OW FB! NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF IT! NOTHING!!!!
The OW has freewill to do what she wants to do & TO HELL WITH YOU! Your CS has freewill to do what he wants to do & TO HELL WITH YOU! They are SELFISH, HURTFUL PATHETIC PEOPLE!!!! SET YOUR BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR CS & IF HE DOES NOT RESPECT THEM REMEMBER YOU CAN NOT CONTROL HIM OR THE OW! YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOU, NO ONE ELSE, ONLY YOU!!!! If your CS bulldozes through your boundaries that You set with him then You DO NOT DESERVE TO BE DISRESPECTED BY HIM! Be strong, hold your boundaries close to your heart because that is what they are protecting, YOUR HEART!!!!
Betrayedchump, Thankyou, I just don’t know what to do if my h has had a child with this ow, he doesn’t even know. So we are both hoping that she didn’t.
Yet I’m worried now that I won’t be able to look at him the same way again. Yet I don’t want my children to be without their father, or come from a broken home. This is the man I have devoted my life to, I’m hurt so much, so that strength is really hard to come by right now.
I just feel so ugly, so disgusting, so crushed. how do I not feel so worthless.
so, Strength, is he saying there is a possibility that it could be his child? I’m just asking because I thought he had denied ever having sex with cousin it? I didn’t capitalize that because she is not deserving of a proper noun. I hope to goodness it is not true.
I found out he slept with her once after we moved, he was under the influence of alcohol. He doesn’t remember much, but. Not long after she nagged him to leave me, and had an argument with him, because he told her that he wasn’t leaving me. He stopped all contact after that. He has no idea if she had a child, because he wouldn’t answer the phone and avoided everyone. He stopped all contact. He is now worried, and upset, as it has been over a year since he has seen her. He wants nothing to do with her. So we are both hoping it is not hers, or his.
I think he is feeling sick as much as I am at the thought. He asked me if I wanted him to call and ask, I told him no, because I want her far far away from us. He didn’t want me to know he slept with her, because he didn’t want me to feel how I am feeling right now.
He wants our marriage to work, he wants our family together, I do too, but right now I can’t think straight. I warned him what she wanted off of him, she wanted his child, and he would not listen. So now I’m praying like crazy that they have not had a child.
Here we were trying to get our life back on track and now this. How do I move back, knowing what has happened?
I think maybe I need a break from here, this is far too embarrassing, humiliating than I ever thought possible. Im so numb.
SR – You are one of the kindest and most thoughtful people on here. You come at things with so much love. For that I admire you greatly. I find you to be a wonderfully caring and gentle person. You don’t deserve this and NONE of it is about you. I understand the humiliation but please know that it is your H and cci that deserve all the humiliation, embarrassment, shame, and guilt. NOT you. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself.
IMO I think you need to get mad, really mad, at your H and get to the bottom of this garbage. You deserve the truth so that you can do what is best for you, your health. If you are not healthy you cannot be there for your children and you all are the priority not your H’s desires. And boy do I know how these CS have narcissistic tendencies. He lost all his rights to “how he feel”s about anything once he crossed the cheating line. I know this is easier said than done but these cheaters are self preservationist with little self soothing skills. That’s how they wound up in this predicament in the first place.
I am so sorry for you and your family. I know how important they are to you. Just know we are here for you and we care about you. HUGE HUGS and love!
I will pray for the Strength that you Require. Hang in there. We all know how terrible you feel. We have all been there. And we will all overcome this. We will not let another person define us as someone miserable. We will be strong and stay true to who we are. You can do it. Love & prayers.
We understand these feelings strength. If anyone should be feeling like this, is your husband, not you, for withholding information and compromising your health, healing and sanity. I am sure you felt in your guts things were not exactly as you have been told. IMHO I think that now is the time your husband tell you exactly as it was. Believe me, you will not find peace until things makes sense in your mind (if ever). I am over 4 years DDay, and only now I am feeling well in my relationship again. My husband also played down (like most cheaters), perhaps hoping not to hurt me, or perhaps to save his own ass,who knows, but I poked and poked until I believe most of the truth came out. But that was like pulling teeth! It is the usual story here, right?!)
You have given nothing but love, support and compassion to your husband. You have shown a level of understanding that for many of us, it seems impossible to be. This mess, two selfish people created, has hurt and is still hurting you and your children, Innocent people. Let your friends here support you through this time. Don’t carry this alone. If – this child is not his, and I hope in GOD it is not (cousin It, might be sleeping around), you were able to find another part of the puzzle. And if you smell a rat, I am sure there are many there. You are a caring wife and mother. I am truly sorry that as much as you worked on your relationship, you had a few knock down again, and again. But carry your head high as you have shown that you are a real human being, not a manipulator, selfish destroyer, as the cousin It.
Take care. We are thinking of you.
SR
I hope you are doing better and that when he comes home this weekend you can sort this all out. I pray the child in the picture is not your husband’s.
It is so sad how after so many months there is still trickle truths. I always thought it was and EA and not a PA with your H and cousin it. I would bet your H was not the only person she was sleeping around with so please don’t assume that the child in the picture is your husband’s. I know this has been a major trigger and triggers really suck. Sometimes it takes me days to get over one.
Stay strong and hang in there.
Like I said a while back in the post about testing for STDs, I think all betrayed spouses should get tested, even if the cheaters pinky swear there was no sex. They wouldn’t lie, would they? Also, let like cousin it, I think some may cheat with multiple partners. Like my h thinks she wouldn’t have sex, supposedly, due to her”high morals”. My money says she was banging someone else, probably also married. Shes a walking disease pit. His gf I mean.
Trickle truth is just another way to manipulate the innocent person in the relationship. Ironically, it’s a way to ensure trust on any level is never recovered.
I saw a quote the other week, I’m not sure who it was by, but I thought others might appreciate its’ meaning… “A relationship without trust is like a car without gas, you can stay in it all you want, but that doesn’t mean it will go anywhere”.
SR, please know I am not suggesting you give up on trying to save your marriage. I understand wanting to keep things together for your family. I wish I had been given the chance to even try, for my daughter having to ping pong between two homes is a constant source of sorrow for her & I.
I just wanted to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart. My h came home last night to be with me, we went out and we talked, came home and just held onto each other all night.
I think a weight has lifted somewhat off of my h shoulders, yet in a strange way, just having him tell me that he did do it with her, which I knew really, was just waiting for the confirmation, I feel now that I have my answers now.
He was under the influenced of alcohol the day he did it with her, the one time, which he doesn’t recall how it happened, he just recalls feeling disgusted with himself, he felt it did not feel right or good at all, left and stopped all contact with her.
We have agreed to not let our imaginations run wild as to the photo, and we have also agreed that he not call or ask her anything, or even ask anyone else. We want to drop it and leave it be. If she comes to us in the future, we will handle it then, but he has mentioned, he wants nothing to do with her. He has no feelings whatsoever for her, and never really did. I do know that at the time of that incident, he was still in recovery mode, and was not yet himself, hence the drinking and the smoking. Yet I can tell you, I believe it was from that particular day, that when he made that “terrible mistake” that it made him want to be a better husband to me. He said she is nothing compared to me. Well I know that…
I think now if she did have a baby, it could be anyone’s, and knowing her the way I do, she would have had someone else hanging, jic, as she did not want to be alone. So anybody would have done.
We are both hoping that she is married now and nolonger on her radar. We want her to be someone else’s problem.
My h is going to start coming home every second day now, until we move back to our house, which then we will be together all the time – he seems to think I will get sick of him, yet I think i am just a glutton for punishment.
He wants to put a fence around the front of our home with electric gates, a surveillance camera, as well as a dog that will keep people out, so he can protect us, as well as monitor any cars driving by wanting to stalk us.
He is so looking forward to us moving back, he wants our life back, he wants our family together. He even told me that he chooses me over everyone and everything, no one is more important to him than me and our children. He wants so much to fix things, and make amends to me and our family, because we are what he wants.
He was afraid of telling me about that one time, with her, because he knew I would not be able to handle it, as he has seen since earlier on, in the ea, where the stress has become to much for me, the picture of her in my head and wanting to rid my thoughts of her tormenting me, where I would hit my head in frustration. He was afraid of me doing it again, which he was right to, as yesterday those thoughts of her and him came back with a vengeance, and I swear I tried so hard not to bang my head, but I succumbed and for the first time in over a year, my head could no longer escape my hands. My h woke up to me, trying to get all those disgusting thoughts out of my head, and I cried, and I let him know how angry I was with him, how upset I was with him, how hurt and broken I feel.
I know how broken he was during that year with her, I know if the drink was not a way of him escaping reality, it would never of happened, any of it, and he is guilt ridden and remorseful, and disgusted. Yet he said to me, that he is better now, his head is in a much better place than what it was, he is stronger and knows how badly he sunk. Yet he always loved me, that I was all he ever wanted, and he will never let me feel this deep pain again, as he too is in deep pain, knowing he did this to me, us.
He has also been telling me that he has been having chest pains, that are like pins and needles. I think all this that he has carried, all the stress, everything, has not faired to well on him. Yet he said to me, that he is being punished by god, and he will not question his punishment, because he deserves it. My honest opinion and I told him this too, you have been working hard to clear yourself of her for us, you have been dragged down to the bottom yet you got back up, and you have been fighting for our family ever since, you have worked hard to get back on top of things for us, and to be honest I could not be more prouder of him, for his perseverance at bettering himself. Now this ow did a lot to bring a good man down, and I know karma will hit her good one day.
Maybe her karma is seeing that no matter what she did, my h and I survived her devastation.
When we move back, my h wants to take me away for a week, just him and I, so that will be nice. Yet I am quite nervous more so now than ever at returning to the place my world turned upside down, and took away over a year of my life. Yet I need all of his family to see, that, we are together, we do not intend of being apart, so get used to the idea, of p.off, as we don’t want you around. Our family comes before everyone else.
I will hold my head up high, and I will show everyone, that I am the one that stands beside my h, the whore is just a whore and she is where she belongs, she has been taken out to the trash and dumped.
I don’t care if people we know judge me for staying, I fought for what was mine, my children deserved me to do that. I was afraid yesterday that I would not be able to see my h in the same way, that I would lose some of the love I had for him, which is why I needed to see him yesterday. I realised that I have not lost any love for him, I feel bad for him, I am angry at him, I have lost the innocence of what our marriage meant to me, but that complete love is still there, and I will help him get better, and help him make our marriage stronger, as we both know that we can’t be apart, we just don’t know how to be, it is like our life nolonger has meaning when we are apart. That is what I will now hold onto, that is what cousin it will never take away from us, and their sexual encounter was the beginning and the end as it was then that made it so much more clearer to him, that there really was nothing there. He may have well of poked a beanbag. Maybe he never would have felt so disgusted with himself if he had.
I know I have a way to go, to get past this, but I know I will. So any suggestions on how I can rid myself of those images of her and my h would be a help. Maybe I need to see that red stop sign every time I see her shit face staring back at me.
One thing I am thankful for, I prefer not to have felt all the shame and guilt that comes with betraying someone you love, I have seen it rip my h apart. Yet I am also glad i am not the ow, because really she will always hold that name tag, home wreaking whore, she was not better than me, and never will be, I have dignity and morals, she lacks all that is good.
SR – I am glad you had the time with your H. It sounds as if you both are on the same page with regards to your marriage and moving forward with healing you, him and the entire family. IMO I believe everyone in a central location with assist in the healing process.
SR you are a lovely person – your continued kindness amazes me. I wish you and your family all the best.
Fcol, ohh Hun, Thankyou for your kind words. I don’t know if I will ever be able to feel normal again. I’m trying to remember what normal is, but it seems so far our of reach. I think my new normal is this pain my heart feels right now, and it’s funny because I feel this pain even though I have my h, and I am not prepared to try being without my h, because I know I love him so much, and it may hurt me more. I’m not even sure if that makes sense. I want to choose the path that can bring me peace and happiness, and I don’t know which way that is.
You know when you feel drained emotionally, I feel that, and I would love to lose the plot like my h did, but I can’t because I have to be the responsible one.
SR , not long ago I receive something that says
“Just look after yourself, and your children, as at a time like this they need you”,, more appropriate words of wisdom came from you.. This is what we all work, struggle, suffer and endure, no one will ever doubt how much important for us BS is to be able to overcome our battles in times of distress for the sake of our children, spouses family and most important ourselves. God is always there, ask him for guidance and lots of patience.. consider seriously psychiatric help for the mental, physical and emotional part of the healing process, I did it and sometimes medication is the only way to help that part of the brain understand and keep those evil thoughts under control. Let your H know to be patience with you, I know you love him..very very deeply, he must understand that his actions can be forgive, but only time and perseverance can help the process of forgetting…One thing I really get from my marriage counselor is that this affair situations need to be left behind..completely, unless you really feel you need to talk some unresolved issue.
Honesty, sincerity and trust must be work harder than ever… you know the drill, this
is not something you can avoid, your H must be there for you, give you the space consideration and love you deserve to properly heal… Never ever forget that you will succeed in this effort, yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel and for those who believe like us there is always hope… God bless your candid spirit, your husband and all of your family from now on..
Alfonso, I appreciate your words of wisdom to me today. My dr wants me to make an appointment next week to discuss things with me, as I broke down in my appointment yesterday, ohhh how I tried to be strong.
I know you know the pain I feel deep within my heart, I have felt this pain for over two years now, but knowing that my h sank so low to sleep with the ow, and potentially have a baby with her, it is quite soul destroying to say the least.
If he had told me a year ago, I would have had a year to get over it, maybe if he told me a year ago, I would have left him. So I am trying to come to terms with it all, struggling to understand “why” when he knew he had me.
Ohhh how I want my family to be together, but I’m afraid, I won’t be able to handle it, if we find out later he had a child with her. I think that is what is truly hurting me, the what if, and not knowing how I will cope.
I know that it is nowhere near the child’s fault, but I find the whole thing disgusting and how could I look at a child that was the product of a disgraceful act, that caused me to have so much pain. How would I be able to accept this child, as anything but a painful reminder. So I am praying so hard in the hopes that god hears my prayers, that their is no illegitimate child born that is my husbands. Do you think god would hear my prayers. I can come to terms with the sexual part, just not so sure about the child part. It truly scares me.
I told my h how I was scared of growing old and ending up with dementia or alzeihmers disease, because I did not want to relive this nightmare over and over again. It would be like being tortured over and over again until the day you die. I would probably by then wish it to happen, just so I could be in peace.
I know I am going to need time to get through this. As they say time heals all wounds, here’s hoping.
I am just not sure, why it had to get as far as it did.
It feels like I have been punished, and the punishment just keeps on coming. It feels like I am the one the punishment is meant for.
My h told me some beautiful things today, I am trying to hold onto them. I think I am going to be having some ups and downs as I try and work my head around my self worth.
I do hope you are coping ok, and your w is working on your marriage with you now. Thankyou so much for caring.
I’ve been reading lots of comments and Doug and Linda’s blog and resources. I really appreciate the support and empowerment you give each other. It’s amazing how helpful it is to hear someone else describe what you’re also going through.
My husband has had two EA and is ambivalent about saving our marriage. They were planning to leave their spouses and run off together. Then she changed her mind. My H has been devastated by her leaving him. As for me, I have every emotion under the sun, but bottom line, I want to try everything I can to save our marriage, and that includes things I do have control over like forgiving him and making self improvements, doing the hard work, finding ways to reconnect and recognizing and taking responsibility for my contributions to the mess we are in.
The hardest hurdle for me is I’m trying to do this while we are under the same roof and he’s not on board. It’s been almost 11 months since I found out and six mos since she ended it.
I’m not sure I can keep trying this solo as I’m building up lots of resentment and becoming impatient. Then I say and act in negative ways and erode the progress I’ve/we’ve made.
Today we started discernment counseling. Anyone familiar or tried this before? H’s therapist rec it. The purpose is to come to a decision whether to: 1) stay on current path; 2) divorce; or 3) commit all in to try and rebuild our marriage. We met together today and she asked questions about how we would describe our marriage, what our understanding was that got us to this pt, some family history and other q to get a feel for each of our perceptions about our marriage. She asked why we married. My H said for him it was out of desperation and loneliness. Those words have cut right through me. And while I appreciate his rare moment of honesty, I don’t really know where I’m going to gather the strength to keep trying. The word “desperate” keeps ringing in my ears.
I never chased him. Wasn’t looking to get married. I’ve always been very popular, life of the party, over achiever, accomplished musician, well thought of and sought after in our community and state, graduated top 3% of a large university where I was up for homecoming queen, became an atty by age 23 and am blessed to bridge the rich and poor together for amazing transformation across the globe. In contrast, he’s a meat inspector who’s already been divorced once. And I never thought for one second that I felt desperate. I looked at him as a humble, kind human being. He’s desperate? You’ve got to be kidding. He’s a 57 yr old triathlete who spends anywhere between 15-20+ hrs/wk working out and training, while I single parent and handle a career. Our family’s lives evolve around his competitions and training schedule. He teaches 4 spinning and yoga classes a week, drives 40 mins 3x wk to a masters swim class, leads two bike rides that range from 3-6 hrs/ea and lifts weights 3x week. He normally runs 5x/wk too but he pulled his hamstring running the Boston marathon and doc won’t let him run yet.
After our first meeting, I think this won’t take long. I’m ready to be done. Feel totally depleted. And I think I’m married to a complete asshole.
Maybe I’m the one who’s been in a fog.
Confused…there is only one person who can be adversely affect, is you, no one can give you the right answer, solution, magic spell or whatever is at hand, but you sure sound like a very determine, capable, mature conscious woman. You are the only one who really knows your H, from what you said, it seems he has a lot of available time to spent for himself, “maybe for him is a bad mix of mid-life crisis with immature unresolved issues. There’s nothing wrong with been capable of enduring such physical activities, but seems to me those are escapes from facing real life .
Real life as , aging, family, relationship, marriage, responsabilities,, the whole 9 yards. I don’t know what facts let him to stray, those are for you to know, and him to acknowledge, never forget that in a marriage the 50/50 rule always apply, either way for giving and taking. It is disgusting to hear someone saying out of loneliness and desperation he go to marriage. Without entering in any discussion, says a lot for a 57 year old man. You can only do whatever you want to do, either work for salvaging the marriage, or finish it. Don’t ever keep on trying, because you will be wondering what if?, but in the other hand be completely aware that this is a two person ordeal, the spouse most be in sync for either commitment or dissolution.
This words from a Bonnie Raitt song really shakes my soul…
“I close my eyes, then I won’t see, the love you don’t feel when your holding me”
That’s a feeling, you will recognize…
If there is no love..you cannot force it. If your H needs time, considered it, but only if its to work things out, not as a weekend pass to go out and taste other plates from the buffet, and when the indigestion sets in, you will be there with the comfort food..no not at all. Is easy for us man to tell a spouse I feel trapped I need space I need time, yes of course and go swim the waters, and be backed for the towel.
Use all your available resources, counseling, therapy, church, friends, speak your mind about your feelings in your sessions, be completely honest and truthful, for you and your H. Be prepared to listen and learned things you probably did not know about your spouse (only if he is willing to be in sync). Try to separate the profession and personal achievements from the human being, I mean sometimes men feel threatened by a successful wife , in some instances when a woman is the breadwinner of the house, husbands don’t tolerate been relegated. I’m not saying this is your case, you were the one who stated the meat inspector/attorney statement. Excuse me for the comment, if in any away distresses you. Read, learned, discuss, seek help, pray… you will see. There is no easy fix nor magic day after pill, only you can do it. Feel free to write here, we are all simple people, experiencing the same emotions and feelings you are..
For now,, Bless you and keep the faith in your self
Oh SR, I am so happy that you have finally talked properly and decided about yourselves, placing boundaries where it should always have been, and opening your hearts to each other! Making lives decisions! and no more secret and lies!
From the deepest pain sometimes, comes some understanding!
The pain of images of my husband with another woman in his arms, physically close, ate away great part of my heart! But after 4 years, it has worn off, it has lessen the grip it had in my mind. I still think about it sometimes, but I don’t hold to it anymore! So I believe that only time will help, and give yourself as long as you need, don’t rush. Also, this is your husbands job, to assure you all the time when you need it, how much he wants you, and how much she was a mistake. This should be done mostly by actions than words. It takes time to start repairing broken trust, self-esteem and a heart. But time does wonders. And if he is by your side, the struggle will be lessened by his total support and help.
You need to take care of yourself too, independently of you your husband. There is you (mother, carer, person,), a woman with dreams, desires, needs, that has to be satisfied first so to be his wife. You owe it to yourself. His recovering will benefit from yours.
Keep your head high always. Working and recovering from such a blow in a marriage is not for the weak. You are an example of that. You have the strength. Take care
Tryingtoowife, Thankyou, I do need to look after myself,. Thankyou for giving me some hope that I can overcome the thoughts of the ow and my h, it turns my stomach, and makes it harder to feel intimate with him, especially when you see her face smiling back at you. It is a huge turn off.
I close my eyes, get some sleep next thing I get woken by her face again.
I know I need time, but gee it would be nice to feel safe.
Confused
I am so sorry you are having to endure this again. I hear what you are saying. It’s good you and he are doing IC and MC. There is a period of ambivalence about the marriage with the CS and sometimes it’s for the BS. But I would think after 11 months that would be past and he would be doing everything to make thing right.
I know there are sites that say you can build your marriage by yourself but I don’t believe that. There has to be some sort of commitment from both sides otherwise you are just spinning your wheels and wasting precious time.
They say many stupid hurtful things. There isn’t enough room on this site to enumerate all the stupid hurtful words I heard during those early days. I really believe they say them to push the BS away for whatever agenda they are having at the moment. Yes the resonate and never go away. Those words are the worst scars. Nothing takes them away even the later kind words.
I also believe so eti se we BS are in our own type of fog and denial. It hurts so much we just want it to go away but as a very wise person on this site once said “that donkey can’t be un-fucked”. You sound like a smart strong woman who will be great no matter where she chooses to take her life. Maybe give yourself a timeframe or deadline to sort this shit show out. After that time has passed and you see no change in him or his commitment maybe then you will be better able to make an assessment about how you need to go forward with what’s best for you.
Good luck my friend. Courage!
Strenghtrequired:
What a differance a day makes? Congratulations! I am glad for you that it appears you & your H are finally on the right path now to heal the pain for both of you!!!! I hope your H NOW KNOWS WHAT PAIN, HURT, AGONY, ETC. that he & only he was responsible for!
I also hope he knows that you DO NOT & WILL NOT go through this nightmare EVER again!!!! GOOD LUCK to you & keep the faith, hold your head high, be proud of what you have accomplished so far! Continue to work & grow your relationship/marriage TOGETHER now that you have another chance! I hope all of us on here can be as lucky to get another chance with our relationships/marriages!
PEACE!
Betrayedchump, Thankyou, you are a good man, your wife was foolish. If there is anything that I won’t do ever again is go through this again. I hope my h truly does understand that. We do what we can to keep our family together, yet there is only so many storms a marriage can take. No one can ever say I didn’t give my all.
Good luck and peace to you and your family.
Confused:
Has your H always been this SELFISH throughout your marriage? I am sorry you had to endure the pain, hurt & selfishness from the two EA’s & then on top of that his selfishness of only doing what he wants & thinks is best only for himself? You definately have high morals & a very high regard for your marriage vows. A weaker woman would have sent him packing long ago! Good luck with your counseling, I hope your H comes clean & realizes that he needs HELP & he changes for the better for your marriage & for your family. Remember hold your head high, do not let him bring you down to his selfish, pathetic, lieing, cheating lifestyle!
PEACE!
Thank you all for your comments, insights, advice and support. You make me feel stronger. I had thrown in the towel and hate to admit it, but couldn’t even get out of bed today and face the world. It just occurred to me to check back and see if anyone had commented. And when I did, my spirits have really lifted. Thank you for your kindness!
Confused
I am all too familiar with that not getting out go bed concept. Not eating, not bathing, not brushing my teeth, not answering the 500 phone calls, not looking in the mirror for fear of what was looking back and listening to all those voices in my head all while clutching on to my lifeline of Xanax and ambien. Then one day a very calm and reasonable voice said get your ass out of bed, take a bath and go to church. That one really pissed me off because in my bed was the only place I wanted to be. If I could have fit under it I would have gone there!!! So get up when you’re good and ready and listen to your inner calm voice, not the I’m pissed and I want to kick someone’s ass voice. That will come later! And someone’s ass will need a good kicking, you will just have to figure out who and when. Right now it’s all about focusing on YOU.
I didn’t find this blog until about a year plus into this roller coaster ride and I wish I had. I felt utterly alone. We are all here and we all get what you are thinking and feeling. Just check in and see. You can click to be notified of further comments at the bottom of the comment section. There are some very wise people here. Hang around, we need you too:)
Confused, we have all been there. Please keep telling yourself over and over until you finally believe it these words:
MY CS MADE THE CHOICE TO HAVE AN EA/PA.
THIS HAS NORHING TO DO WITH ME. AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HIM AND HIS POOR CHOICES.
Once you understand that, you can start to heal yourself.
It is what gor me through 9 months of hell. And my husband ending our marriage twice within a week (though he never actually left).
He justified this affair as “my fault” b/c HE was disconnected AND having a mid life crisis (turning 50 made him become unglued).
Don’t let your CS ruin who you are. Don’t let your CS justify ANY reason for the affair. Remember he could have stopped it, acted like an adult and discussed his unhappiness with you or gone for counseling. Instead the CS takes the cowardly way out.
I get propositioned from other “men” and I find it pathetic the way they act. I do/would not find it flattering, unlike our idiot CH.
You go girl and get yourself back together. Intact. Strong. Full of self-worth. Full of love and morals. People will support you. And the “new” you will make your CS turn around. It will make his head spin to see the kind of woman you really are.
Trust me I know. I was there. And luckily my CH saw it before it was too late..
I read something yesterday, after wanting to find out if I was forsaken by god, because of all the continuous pain, all of my thoughts that were clouding my good judgement. I wanted to know once and for all if I was doing the right thing staying, or did I need to leave.
Then I found something along the lines of this, that I realised was exactly what I was hoping to find, something that gave me that added strength in order to keep fighting for my marriage, and to not give up.
” evil wants you to lose, evil does not care about you. Evil takes great joy in seeing you suffer. God loves you, he is giving you strength to keep fighting for your family, he does not want you to give up. Do not let evil win.” Along the words like that, yet it stuck with me, and made me see, that I was not to give up, and not give in to what evil wants.
I have decided to try my hardest to stop stewing over the past, it was not doing me, or my h any favours. It is not like we can change what happened, but we can definately learn from it. If I want my marriage to work then I needed to let go of all that pain, and stop placing all that unintentional guilt I was making my h feel. All it was do was hurting both of us. Confusing both of us, not giving us the chance to really get past this nightmare. I needed to hand over all of my pain to god, and let him lead me to my desired result, a happy family, one that is stronger.
I realised I had been torturing myself, over something I cannot change, my h was getting weighed down with the guilt, and it was not getting us anywhere, it was keeping us in the same spot, and could very well have destroyed all the good work we have out in.
I realised after reading those words, that I was not alone, god really has been helping me stay strong, and helping me find that extra strength to push forward when I need it, on the days, I want to consider just running.
Those words showed me that, I am not going to give in to what evil wants, my family is not negotiable, and i am not alone.
Maybe what I have mentioned here is something that may give someone else that strength to fight for their own family.
So now for me, it is time to put it all into practice, until I have successfully moved past this glitch in the road.
“Confused, you are in the right place here, everyone here knows how you feel, and we are sending you all the strength in the world to get you through each day, until you get to the other side.”