Once again it’s our monthly feature where our discussion is completely open to whatever you want to talk about. Boy, time flies!
This is Open Mic #7 and we hope that there are some things that are going on that you can share with everyone.
So…
- What’s on your mind?
- Have any successes to share? Big or small.
- Got a question? Ask it.
- Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
- Any good books you’d like to discuss?
- What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
- What’s working or not working?
- Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
- Any suggestions for future topics?
Please don’t be shy. If there is anything whatsoever on your mind, please leave a comment below.
Thanks!
Linda & Doug
115 replies to "Open “Mic” Discussion #7"
Need some opinions please.
The ex emailed me this morning at 1:00 a.m. Wanting to know if I want to meet him for coffee??
I am just taken back by his constant requests to meet with him.
He didn’t want me. Got rid of me, kicked me to the curb, said some very hateful words.
And now he wants me to meet him for a cup of coffee???
I just don’t get it???
Regrets perhaps??? Maybe now is a good time to tell him about your new friend!
Aye he already knows about Rachel’s new friend
Maybe not aye – oh dear
Rachel,
You should read the book that Sarah P recommended called Emotional Vampires. They do this kind of stuff. Don’t fall for it my friend. I think your ex, from everything you have said about him, may be a raging narcissist. These people need supply for their ego. To me it sounds like you have been his reliable supply and he’s no doubt missing it. They can be GREAT salespeople. I’m not saying you aren’t a wonderful, desirable person, but this guy has treated you very bad and keeps pulling your strings. If he is regretting or missing you it needs to be for healthy reasons and that he has gotten some help. I would hate to see him pull you in and then push you aside again. I’m worried for you. Please be careful, it’s so easy to be tricked by these people.
Maybe at the very least don’t answer right away.
Stay strong!
Rachel you have come sooooo far don’t go backwards….he had his chance.
Yes Broken 2 you are so right. I don’t think that I’ve ever been this happy.
Life is good now and easy. I do think the only part I miss is the ” family ” part of it all. But, he was always absent even when he was here.
Thank you!!!
Rachel, all I can say is what a weirdo your ex is. He’s just depending on you being “nice”. I would tell him I’m not interested in any relationship with him beyond the parenting of your children but thats just me.
Rachel, what is it you want? Do you want him back, if that is what he is wanting to meet with you for. Would you be willing to take him back if he was completely remorseful and willing to do what it takes to make amends.
Maybe he realises now what he has lost with you, it’s funny how once they make that decision to leave they realise that it was the worst decision ever.
I know it’s hard, and after living with someone, committing yourself completely, for as long as you have, it is hard to still not love them deep down, it’s hard not to remember what you shared and had with each other for all those years.
Yet you need to decide, are you willing to give him another chance? Only you can make that decision. You know how you feel, you know what you had together, what is it you want, then go from there.
Good luck lovely.
Rachel, similar to what SR stated, what do you want? What type of feeling do you have towards him? I think you really need to ask yourself what’s in it for you and is it healthy for you. I understand you need to have a relationship with your sons’ father but what are the boundaries for that relationship? And maybe it’s time to show him you have moved forward or maybe he knows that and he doesn’t like the idea. Maybe he has regrets or he’s jealous? But what it all boils down to is what and how you feel about the situation. Best of luck on your decision.
Rachel, I hope I didnt offend you by calling your ex a “weirdo”. It’s just that he has acted in an erratic and very harmful way to you and your sons. And it seems that he just really either doesn’t want to admit that or maybe doesn’t even see it. Since you were close to him, you may not have even noticed it yourself prior to the affair. He may be having difficulty getting close to someone else because they are noticing his erratic behavior fairly quickly. I’m all for saving marriages but he really has acted beyond the norm even for a cheater so I would be very suspect of him. But whether to let him back into your life or not is completely your decision, obviously.
Hello Rachel,
Sorry to interject here, but I never had the opportunity to read the details about how your H acted in erratic ways to you and your sons.
Anytime I hear the word erratic, that is a red flag for me because it implies that someone is not thinking logically or behaving in a way that is dependable. Erratic behavior can hurt people very much.
Can you briefly fill me in on what he did? Because I will have two radically different opinions based on what his past behavior has been. An affair can be forgivable, but if there are bigger issues, those need to be known and effect decisions. After all, kids are involved. (I also have sons and they are the little loves of my life.) 🙂
Thanks!
Hi Sarah p.
Erratic is a strong word to use. My ex husbands behavior over the years was controlling, verbal abussive and emotional abusive.
He had an affair with an ex g.f. When he turned 50. Said he was leaving us to be with her. His soulmate. Wouldn’t give her up. Wanted an open marriage. Wouldn’t go to counseling. I went to marriage counseling alone.
He told my kids he wasn’t in love with me wouldn’t go to counseling so they could force him to love me. Didn’t want to be married anymore.
My oldest asked why he married me and his reply was because the invitations were out.
Told my kids that he will be together with her in the future.
My fight was over and I filed.
Been divorced for 6 months. Not a day goes by that I don’t hear his hurtful words in my head.
Divorce day he decided he wanted me back. He lost a lot of money.
Only time he wants me is when money is discussed.
Hen gave up a beautiful family for her.
She never left her family. His plan backfired. She stayed with her husband.
Now he wants me back. I’d never be able to trust him. I crawled very slowly out of the black hole that he put me in and I’ll never go there again. It’s too late.
Rachel,my goodness what a horrible thing for him to say to your son. He married you because the invitation us were out. What was his explanation for keeping you around for all those years, if he only married you because the invitations were out.
He could have let you have a life elsewhere. I don’t blame you not wanting to go back to that. You are going to shine lovely. He held you back long enough.
Hugs to you
Thank you strength . Yes he was verbally abusive and his hurtfully words has stuck. To be married for 25 years and say that he was never happy pretty much shocked me. I never could please him though. He would question my clothing size and if I bought a medium he was furious with me. He wanted me in a small. I have peace now and do have to listen to his bizarre requests. The hard part is the family breaking up. Being labeled as divorce. People telling me that they see him here and there and he’s a lost soul.
He had thirty days after I filed and about a year before that to change his mind and he wouldn’t . The kids tried to tell him that things were not going to be the same and his response was I just need to be happy. I may regret it for the rest of my life but I owe it to myself.
I feel his emails set me back. I don’t want to hear fom him as I am trying to build a new life. I have met a wonderful man who worships me. Makes me feel safe and never asks me what size my clothes are.
Thank you all for your help and words.
Rachel – your welcome, you owe it to yourself to be happy, your husband chose the road he wanted to travel, what people say to you about how he is, it’s not your fault. He did this, not you. You tried, he didn’t. He lost, and all those hurtful words he said, can’t be undone. They aren’t something you just forget.
Now you can be yourself and you deserve to be yourself.
Hello Rachel,
Let me preface this by saying that I have volunteered with counseling women at both a women’s shelter as well as a day shelter for domestic violence.
On a personal note, well before I met my husband, I was in a relationship that was horribly emotionally abusive. It was hard to leave, but when I did and finally saw the light, I look back and think I narrowly escaped the very death of my core sense of self. Had I stayed, I would be a walking hollow shell. Leaving saved my life.
As part of my master’s studies, I did a lot of coursework on all forms of abuse and trauma and how it affects victims and families as a whole. So, I am going to give you an opinion based on everything I have read, seen, and witnessed.
Now my opinion:
It sounds like he was (more or less) consistently emotionally abusive, controlling, and verbally abusive. Is that a correct assumption?
If he was consistently emotionally abusive, controlling, and verbally abusive, then the fact that you divorced would indicate you put on your proverbial oxygen mask and did what you needed to do in terms of self-preservation.
The things that he did and said during the affair would personally to me be UNforgivable.
But, the affair is not the primary issue when abuse is involved.
Objectively speaking, the research shows that it is better off you divorced someone who was emotionally abusive because they do not change. They go through ‘honeymoon’ phases where they treat you well after they see their abuse has gone too far. When they are nice and promise to change, their victims believe it and return. But, the honeymoon phase is just a stage of the cycle of abuse. If you stay, the cycle repeats itself over and over again.
In my opinion, I would interpret his emails as an attempt to rope you back in so that you can once again participate in the cycle of abuse.
I do not know all of the details of your situation, but from what I do know, my opinion is that his affair is a secondary concern. The primary concern is a marriage that is emotionally abusive– the emotional abuse is a deal breaker in and of itself.
If the emotional abuse had not been present, and only an affair had happened, then it would be reasonable to work on the marriage. But, since abuse was present, you did the right thing by divorcing.
But, I acknowledge that you were married for a long time and have children and likely still have feelings of love for him. Unfortunately, it is unlikely he will change. So if you stayed, you would end up experiencing more and more years of his bad behavior. Getting to a Golden Wedding Anniversary is not something to be proud of it you had to lose your soul in the process. This might not be your case, but it has been the case for other women.
When you come out of a black hole such as this and see the light for the first time, don’t allow yourself to get pulled back. Hold your ground and focus on your new relationship since your new beau adores you.
Again, this is just my opinion on the matter. Only you know what is best for you.
I sincerely apologize if this has come off as too harsh.
Above all, you deserve to be in a relationship where you are cherished, adored, respected, and treated kindly. You deserve to be ‘happy’ in love. Never forget it!
Sarah p.
You are spot on!!!
Every day I was walking on eggshells. Even early on in our marriage.
I sucked it up. Believed in my vows. Didn’t think I could ever make it on my own. I had a very low self esteem of myself.
I’m a much stronger person now. I did it!!!!! I hold my head high!
My friends noticed how I look so much happier l look. They said my face was very wrinkled and stressed. This was even before the affair.
Sarah you have not come off too harsh at all. You have been quite helpful.
Yes you were correct in saying that my ex was very verbally abusive, controlling and emotionally abusive.
He is handsome, charming, well spoken, smart educated and has a very good job. But, he should never have married me. I new from our dating years that he was a flirt, loved other women but didn’t show that attention to me. I was the pin fusion that he would stick the pins into. His parents had him on a very high pedestal , especially his mother. She treated her husband the exact same way calling him stupid. My kids would come home upset because of the verbal abuse that the grand mother gave to the grandfather. A gentle giant. He has since passed.
Sarah P. Thank you so much for your very helpful words.
I have thought about taking him back but I couldn’t do that to myself again. Once was enough and I know he would never change.
Rachel, you and I lead parallel lives. My husband is exactly like yours. However,I did not divorce him for his two emotional affairs or his abuse….yet. He is currently in anger management therapy for his abusive ways, but after reading Sarah’s information, I worry that he won’t change. I do believe that his emotional affairs with the same coworker, which were 18 years apart, were secondary to the abuse. He has been verbally/emotionally abusive for 30 of our 36 year marriage. I too have walked on eggshells for so long and I did it because I believed in my marriage vows and because of low self esteem — which I allowed him to bestow upon me. I was a doormat. After the last abuse which involved screaming in my face and spitting on me because I kept asking him questions about the affair, I moved out of the house. It was a quite a shock to him. He is being very nice now and wants to reconnect and do things together, says he loves me and wants me and wants to grow old with me and watch our grand children grow up, but I am very cautious and wary of his behavior. I refuse to go back to the marriage we had. If we reunite, it will have to be rebuilt from scratch, which includes courting me and proving that he will control his anger, but not control me.it’s going to be difficult to prove to me that he can do it for good. One of my boundaries is that if he EVER verbally, emotionally, or physically abuses me again, that’s it. I’m gone, along with half of his assets including his 401K and 360 acres of farmland. I am so much stronger now. And I like myself. Stay strong. I applaud you for your strength in not giving in to his manipulation. You deserve happiness.
Oceangirl, spitting on you really? That in itself is a disgusting, degrading as well as terrible and such a low act.
If your h has been mistreating you for 30 years, why do you even consider going back? Don’t you think he has mistreated you enough. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells for all of your married life. Sorry but you deserve better, and by what you wrote, I’m unsure he is capable of change. I hope he can get his act together, and the anger management helps him for your sake as well as your family. Good luck
Ocean girl , good luck to you as well. It is a difficult road to walk. I’m glad that your husband is at least trying.
I believed in my vows too. Fought and fought to keep this marriage together.
The eggshells are gone now. My boys and I have a great time together. I do feel bad for them at times. I now watch sports with them, but it’s fun. I’m pretty much a girlie girl but have enjoyed learning about sports. And of course it’s all about the snacks that I prepare. Young adults are always hungry .
Stay strong ocean girl. It’s amazing the strength you have.
Good luck!!
Rachel – don’t do it – it’s just another manipulation. Set your boundaries with him. I’m sure that your lawyer can help you with this – you obviously need to talk with him regarding your kids, but that should be in a very restricted and circumscribed way. I won’t speak for everyone here, but I was so happy to hear that you have a new man in your life. You deserve happiness. Don’t allow your ex to guilt you into doing something that is not in your best interest. Sorry to be so blunt..
Oh well hell, I guess I need to apologize for being so blunt too 🙂 I don’t want to see you get into a mess with this guy again. Especially since you are moving ahead and settling down into your own life.
I don’t want to step in anyone’s toes here, so forgive me if I do, but I just want to say, that at times of high stress and in times of confusion we have all said things about our cs’s, that makes them sound so bad, but they have all acted badly during their affairs. Rachel’s husband has left it too late, hurt Rachel deeply and disrespected her, but also his children, yet we have to remember, I’m sure that he wasn’t like it before, otherwise Rachel wouldn’t have cared what he did or didn’t do, and she certainly wouldn’t be confused about what to do or how to handle the situation at hand now.
In saying that though, Rachel has found a new man, she has started a new life without her now exh. Rachel has to decide which life she loves better, her exh has definitely played with her mind, yet hasn’t most of our cs’s. Yet if she does consider taking him back, there has to be boundaries in place, and I definitely wouldn’t suggest getting him to move in and recommitting to that step for a long time as to when she can feel confident that he does not revert back to being the ass he was.
I know what ever Rachel decides, she won’t make it easy for her exh, he has a lot to fight for now, a lot of bad choices to make up for. One thing Rachel knows the person her exh is, she is the best judge on what she will and won’t accept.
This man is the father of her children, she put the fight of her life for him and their marriage, if he was so bad before the affair during their marital life, then she wouldn’t have put herself through all that pain and torment of fighting, because it isn’t easy. She would have left and not look back as soon as he found his new love interest, because then she would have been free of him, yet she didn’t, she saw a man that she was willing to fight for, just like most of us have.
Sorry people, just saying. You know I love you…
Ohh and Rachel, we are all probably jumping the gun here, but ATM it’s just coffee, in a public place. If you don’t want him back, do you still want a relationship with him where you both can talk respectfully to each other, for the sake of your children and some day grandchildren? Maybe that is something to consider.
Ok, my turn. I agree with what you all have said, but I, too, have an ex who is always wanting me after he’s screwed up…again! Don’t want to get too repetitive (and my dog really needs to be taken out for a walk, and is pushing me to get OFF the computer right now). Rachel, I took mine back not just once, but many, many times. Once I got to “I’m done” and “you don’t get to communicate with me directly but through my sister, since I can’t trust you not to manipulate me” he was SSOOO interested in me, HAD to talk, and was royally pissed that he couldn’t call the shots anymore. After our divorce was final (again: remember, I not only took him back after Affair #1, but then left again when I had D-Day #2, got divorced, remarried him because he was going to really get it right, and had no less than 4 more D-Days in a year’s time, with Affair #2) he says to me, “Well, the rules have changed. I can now say what I want.” Meaning, he was going to try to show and tell me again that I mattered to him and he loved me. I say, “Bull crap!” And now that I am seeing someone else, I actually can have a little perspective. There really are other men in this world who don’t play mindgames, who actually can be decent and honest. For my ex (of course, I don’t know yours, Rachel, but he did cheat on you and by your own admission, was always looking at other women, at the very least) it was always about how he looked and he told me I made him look good. He would say and do and pretend to be anything just to look like the good guy, although his decisions in the past three years were everything BUT good. I now wish him well, and hope he someday gets his stuff together, I don’t want him to suffer and I’m actually seeing that what has happened to me could really turn out to be for my benefit. I just don’t trust your ex with you. Thanks for asking!
p.s. Rachel, I also think if your ex cared at all for you as a person, he would not be texting you at 1:00 a.m. as I’m sure he would want you to get a good night’s sleep. 🙂
I thought about the one a.m. thing too, STL. Very inconsiderate. I’m glad you added your input since you have experienced how they act after you are split up for good. Most of us havent been on that side of the fence. It’s almost like a game to see if they can get you back. Rachel’s children are about grown so I doubt thats what hes wanting to talk about, I’d think.
I agree the 1 am timing says a lot.
Rachel’s are not little children however all kids hate divorce and sometimes especially teenagers. I think if Rachel gave in and saw the ex (as in getting back together) I would bet her sons would NOT be happy. They may love him as their father but they also know what a terrible husband is was and they want better for their mother. They’ve witnessed what he’s done to her. Her kids should be the last thing to worry about where this guy is concerned.
I would bet he heard about her dating and Mr. Ego doesn’t like it.
Sorry SR but love only gets so many chances. Sometimes you have to save yourself and RUN!
Th, don’t be sorry Hun, we all want to save ourselves, I’m sure at times we all just want to run.
As for the 1am call, it wasn’t a call, it was an email that Rachel received, he didn’t call her. I haven’t heard anyone getting woken up by an email. Lol
Sorry everyone
All I’m saying is, having a descent relationship for your children’s sake should be considered, as you can only imagine how hard it would be to want to go to a birth, or a wedding, or birthday, and not go because your ex is there and you don’t want anything to upset the day.
If there is a way of being able to see each other without drama, tension and sheer emotional exhaustion, then wouldn’t that be a good thing for everyone concerned.
There is only so much one person can take of all the crap that even we all here have received, but should we drown ourselves in it for the rest of our lives, or should we rise above it and be the better person.
As I said Rachel knows what she can handle, if she can’t handle being around her exh, then she shouldn’t see him. I’m definitely not saying take him back, he stuffed up big time, but who are we to say she should stay or go and run for the hills with this new man. Don’t forget, we have all put our hearts on the line, we have all taken chances, even those of us that have found someone new after such heartbreak, now that is a chance as well. Who are we to say that Rachel exh will return to be this cs again, who are we to say our cs will return to the person that chested on us, we don’t, but we are taking a chance with our hearts every time. I can only imagine it being something we would also carry onto a new relationship with someone else, always wondering will they do the same thing to us as our cs did, let’s face it, we got married to these people jumping in with full faith that they would honour us til death do us part, we never expected them to stray, if we did, we wouldn’t have married them.
So why do we stay in our relationships now, when we know what they are capable of. It’s because we love them and know they weren’t themselves at the time of their insanity, it doesn’t excuse their behaviour, but we may as well say, if each person that chests is going to be a repeat offender, when we know, that it isn’t always the case.
I know I am gullible, lol. Yet isn’t that why we are here? Trying to understand the mentality of the cs and the ap as well as better see how the bs isn’t alone in this, none of us are alone, but we all share a similar story, if there was no hope, I doubt we would be here trying to save what is presumably lost. I know if I knew my h would cheat again, just because he is now labelled a cheater, then what’s the point in staying. No point at all.
I totally agree that divorce is hard on all children, but the ages make a huge difference I think. 5, 15, 25, 35. It will all cause a different set of problems. For example, when my hub decided to whore around, our daughter was 5. Not even in kindergarten yet. She required continuous care. Bathing, dressing, feeding, transporting. So that would require a lot of contact between parents. A 25 year ood, not so much.
giz, my youngest was one yr old, my oldest 20, at the time of the ea coming out, It was hard on all of my children,
I think it’s hysterical cheaters think it’s ok to date while they’re married to you but dont want you to date after you are divorced. Insane !!!
It is hysterical, my h hated the idea that if he left me, that I would end up with someone else. Yet it was ok for him to carry on with his floozy.
I remember saying to him on a message one day to him, that it was thinking of getting in contact with one of his friends and inviting him I over, (he was my friend too, have known him for a long time) I was only joking though, as I really didn’t have any interest in seeing anyone. This was at the time my h had left for the month. You know the next day he was home talking to me, ended up staying the night, the following week he was home.
Funny indeed, and I hadn’t even done anything.
Before I filed for divorce, I asked the ex how he would feel when eventually I will be with someone else?
His response was “it would be a turn on”.
Two weeks later I filed.
Ewww, a turn on. That’s an odd thing to say. Not, I would hate it, just that it was a turn on. Did you say, well that is a turn off for me.
Strength when he said that to me I just walked away.
Thought to myself he really doesn’t care about me. He’s been saying it over and over again. My kids even had to tell me mom he doesn’t want you. I pushed and pushed and wanted to get help.
Now I go back and think of allmof the terrible words that he said to me and he didn’t want me.
My 82 year old mother said to me. I know this is all hard for you and the boys, but if he had agreed to work on things, he would never have changed. You would have been miserable. This really is a blessing.
And you know what, she is right!!!
Rachel, my h told me a couple of times at the beginning of his ea, move on with your life and forget about me. Yet his words were not matching his actions. From day to day, I knew these words he was saying weren’t him,. I won’t ever forget though the look of hate in his eyes, at the beginning, there was one day after he moved out and I’m guessing she had been in his ear, he gave me the looks could kill, look. That shocked me, as the man I knew never gave me that look.
At the beginning of his ea, he did say some hurtful things, yet he cannot remember any of them.
Your mum, spoke some wise words.
Rachel ick a turn on??? That is just plain weird.
Brocken 2
Just proves how much I didn’t mean to him.
Sorry everyone, don’t want to upset anyone, just offer my thoughts.
First of all I have to say that you guy are all THE BEST!!!!!
This is the best site ever!!!
I haven’t heard about the book emotional vampires. I will definitely read it.
I still have a hard time accepting the affair that my husband had, the terribly hurtful words that he has said to me and the fact that he didn’t want to save our marriage. But my life has changed for the better. I have met a wonderful caring man. He takes me places that I have never been. I’m 52 and never have been to a flower show. It cost 20.00 to enter of course he wouldn’t let me pay. The ex would never hear of that after all 20.00 when you make 6 figures.
He compliments me, looks in my eyes when he talks and when we go out to a restaurant
he looks at me and never ever flirts with the waitress or any woman.
I can act myself I don’t walk on egg shells and he never looks in the mirror when he passes one .
I have thought about taking my ex husband back many many times. I just can’t get passed the words of soul mate, she brings out the best of me, I’m never giving her up, if I were a betting man I would bet that we will be together in the future and the best one that he misses texting her like an alcoholic misses a drink.
I now look at myself in a different way. I don’t deserve that kind of treatment. And god don’t make junk. And thats what he treated me like, a piece of junk!
Yes, giz he is a major weirdo!
Tweet you are not blunt at all. I needed opinions and thankfully you all helped me.
Trying hard, you are spot on.
We are dividing are accounts now and whenever we talk money he wants to have coffee or wine with me.
I am really hitting him where it hurts, his WALLET!
he doesnt want me back at all. He is losing a boat load of money. This where it hurts him.
Thank you all for the help!! You are all the best!!!!!
See Rachel, you knew exactly what you wanted. You know how your exh is, you know what you will tolerate. Of course the worse part for them is the pain in the wallet. Enjoy yourself, enjoy your new experiences, life is far too short.
Your exh made his bed, now he needs to lie in it, and watch you enjoy your new life.
Look after yourself, I am so glad you are not confused about your feelings for your exh. You know what you want, go for it, and live life the way you deserve to live it.
Loads of hugs to you.
Rachel
Right on girlfriend. You remind me of the movie with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. I think it’s called Something’s got to give? Any way the ex wants her back and she even considers it. Beds him down and everything but then this architect, Steve Martin, comes along and he’s really fun and good to her and they hit it off. Well it sounds like you are moving forward and doing great. Just like in the movie. I am so happy for you.
No doubt he thinks he can employ the same old tactics he used on you when you were married. I know when my H and I were separated and the lawyers were involved he went crazy. He wanted to talk to me then. Oh yeah he “would always take care of me financially” and I should trust him. I literally laughed in his face and told him I didn’t need him to take care of me and that my asshole lawyer would do a very fine job of that, thank you very much. I was definitely winning at that strategy. I finally told him if he wanted to only talk about the legalities of our relationship he should leave and never come back. Well he came back alright……
Yes for men we get to them thru their wallets. They freaking hate it! Well DO NOT discuss finances with him. He will use every argument in the book to try and sway you. Just tell him to contact his lawyer because you are using yours for that business. Please, please don’t give in to him because he will try and make you feel sorry for him. Ignore him.
I can imagine you have considered many times trying to take him back. I’m sure you miss your old life sometimes but I need to tell you, even if you did get back with him it is NOT the same as before. Nothing about our life or my life is the same. Sometimes I like my new life and self better but I swear down deep if I could have just carried on fat and sassy and never have had to go thru this pain I’ve had for 3 years I think I would. I think if I’d have come as far as you and moved forward with a divorce I couldn’t risk losing all that ground that you have obviously gained since your divorce. You can have love again, but never the same one twice.
Make sure you get everything you have coming to you financially and sing that katy perry song Roar because that’s what will be ringing in you ex’s ears!
Th, isn’t that movie called “it’s complicated”? It was a good movie. Saw it last year
Yes!!! That’s the movie. I always get those two movies mixed up:). Bot are good though:)
Now I have to remember “something’s gotta give”. Hmmm.
Looked that one up, it had Diane keeting and jack Nicholson in it, I vaguely remember that one. Lol
Strength, I dont think any of us could get mad at you, lol. We just offer our best advice and try to help each other. I think we all have it about equally bad, and equally good. Just depends mostly on where you are in your journey.
I dont know if anyone is interested but I just got a book called The Unwritten Law from Amazon for the Kindle for $.99. It’s the story of a woman who shoots her husband’s girlfriend and the trial that follows. Set in the 20s. Supposed to be a true story. looks good, I’ll let you know how it is.
Ohh thanks giz… Sometimes I think I am too lenient on these cs’s wonder why that is. Lol still trying to figure that out.
You’re just too nice. But dont change a thing. Cousin It has more than met her match.
Thanks giz, don’t change either, your h ow, had the run for her money too.
Rachel, I am so happy for you. It sounds like you are having a wonderful time ! Cheaters think you are just gonna sit around forever waiting on them to give up the Affair. I believe the only time karma, or whatever, can truly be served is when you let them have what the think they wanted.
Okay. New question. Kids are 17 & 20. They have always known loving & affectionate parents. They know that something went down around discovery time but we have kept the whole ea to ourselves. We are debating whether or not to tell them this summer. The only thing I am worried about is that I may have set them up to think they can have a fairy tale marriage. Is that reason enough to disclose an affair or if they wanted to know would they ask? I /we have always been honest and kept communication open with our kids. I know this would hurt my husband but he will support telling them if that is what is best. Thoughts?
Tired,
My opinion is don’t say anything to the kids.
I think it’s harder for older kids to understand as they are use to a “family” environment .
My oldest son 22 still breaks down and really needs to go to therapy.
Good luck.
It’s so hard on the kids, I know my family hasn’t been the same. Makes it even harder when it was a family member that destroyed the life they knew.
We chose to tell our two older kids (18 and 15). They basically already knew because their father chose his affair over us and was absent from their lives for about year. THEY suspected an affair long before I did and I wish I had listened.
We finally sat them down because the secret fights, tears, depression were too much for them to understand without context. We kept it in simple terms, assured them we were in counseling and we are committed to the marriage and family. We also told them they could talk to us individually or together at any time. This seemed to take a load of stress off of them. The harm that was done, was done by my husband’s behavior during the affair and the initial insistence on keeping his dirty little secrets.
In the end it turned out for the best, because his whore outed the affair to them on social media, including serving up a few juicy details that no child should ever have to hear about their dad and some whore. I thank GOD they heard the truth from us FIRST and not her or someone else. They have a level of trust in us now that is unshakeable. They know we are totally honest now.
After my h left us, my kids knew they could find him at her place. What ended up happening though, she put my h and her photo up holding a rose I between them, on the manual piece in her home, so when my boys went around to see their dad, they had that dreaded photo shoved in their faces.
She knew they would tell me, and hoped I would leave my h for good once I knew about it.
I asked my h why she had put that photo up, when she knew it would hurt our kids, and he said he had told her that she was not to put any photos of them around, yet she did anyway. He was pretty pissed at her for doing it.
It was a photo of them on their pressured engagement while they were overseas.
Makes me sick, that she shoved it in my kids faces. I still don’t understand why my h didn’t see how rotten to the core she was when she did that to his kids.
Maybe he didn’t want to see it.
Tired, I’m just thinking about this. Firstly how is everything going with you and your h? Has your h stopped all contact with the ow? Has he made his choice at recommitting to the marriage, to you and your children?
The reason I ask is, if you are working on your marriage, your husband is putting in the work to save the marriage, then considering you have not told your children about the affair, and only considering telling them now, then I think it might be better to leave it and not upset them if you and your h are working it out.
If your h is looking at leaving then, I would most likely tell them at that point, because I think they then deserve the right to know why you are separating. They would eventually find out anyway if that happens.
Just my opinion. I just dont think there is any point in upsetting them if you are working it out with your h and things are getting better for the both of you, and the ow is not around.
Some others may give you something else to think about, that can help with making your decision on whether you tell the kids.
Good luck
Thanks , Strength , I think just about all the affair partners have a run for the money but they just dont know it. they are too busy thinking they are the greatest thing to hit the planet since the creation of the sun, lol. It’s all good til they have to leave the shadows and be exposed to that sun. Not a pretty sight.
Let’s hope every time they look at themselves in the mirror, what they see looking back at them is someone they don’t like, and are actually ashamed of themselves.
I kinda doubt it, but you never know. I think lots of cheaters dont like what they see in the mirror before their affair and the positive reinforcement they get from the other cheater makes them like themselves more. Not less. Gets those egos blown up really big.
Well cousin it’s ego definitely exploded. Lol. Hopefully she is still kicking her dirty little wounds, after taking on a battle with me.
Ooh, Rachel, thats disgusting. My husband also told me he wouldn’t care if I dated someone. Yeah, right. It’s all talk…what they do best.
Licking , not kicking lol. Maybe kicking and licking….maybe even banging her head against a wall, like she had me doing.
Thank you for your advice about whether to share with the kids. My h appears to be committed to the marriage. I am pretty certain that he has had no contact with ow since the second time I found out and contacted her husband. (The first time I spoke to just her and she promised all sorts of things if I wouldn’t tell. The second time I told her that her word sucked & let her h know). Anyway, in my 22 years of marriage we have always been very happy. I was happy & people “think” we are happy. This is not my h’s first indiscretion & I have always protected him. Before it was porn, chat rooms & now this 5 month ea. He definitely seems sincere and is so kind and loving but he was pretty much through all of it. I just wish a big lightbulb would go in and I would know for a fact that he was for real this time. I know we live each other. I don’t know if he is capable of being faithful.
Tired, I wish there was a crystal ball that would tell us whether our husbands will cheat again or not, I would have used it if there was.
Unfortunately, we don’t have that guarantee or certainty, we chose to stay with our cs, so I guess we are using blind faith, as well as hope that the men we married finally wake up. Life is too short to ever go through this horror roller coaster ride again.
Some days, I wish that my h never became tempted, and was strong enough to honour our vows, just like I was able to honour our vows. It’s sad, to know that for one year out of our life together it’s tainted, and a waste of a year. Yet even up until now, it still feels tainted to some extent.
I have my beautiful little 3yr old girl laying next to me, she is sound asleep and looks so at peace, yet I feel so sad for her, because out of all of my children, her little life has had less time with her daddy. My 5 yr old too. It just doesn’t seem fair, that some crazy assed ow can come into their lives and literally turn it upside down for them. They should have had their daddy everyday, they should not have been denied that right, yet that ow didn’t care, because she felt more important and had more of a right to their daddy, then they did. I don’t know how these ow live with themselves, how can they stand to look in the mirror and not feel literally sick to their stomachs for trying to take a father away from his children that need their daddy. I won’t ever understand it.
Hey Tired
I don’t think it’s important to have a real sit down, legitimate talk to your children about the affair. Reality, kids can’t stand knowing about our private lives. They prefer to live in their own fantasy about their parents.
in all likelihood, they have probably guessed anyway. I’m sure they’ve heard snippets of conversations between the two of you and have certainly felt the tension. It doesn’t take a genius to put 2 and 2 together. Now if they came and asked you out right you should be honest but I would certainly put a soft spin on it for their sake’s. Find out what they know or think but don’t lie to them but don’t be too detailed either, if you get my drift.
Kids, especially teenagers, are pretty self centered and just really don’t want their worlds rocked. They really don’t care about our problems because it may cause too many problems for them and that would be awful because how could they concentrate on our problems and “help” when they don’t even know what their plans are for tomorrow night!! Announcing to them your problems would serve no purpose for them or you.
Hope I’ve helped. Good luck to you and just love those kids. In the end that’s all we can do anyway.
Rachel
Those hurtful words, and there were a TON, still ring in my ears. My H told me to go find someone else too during the initial storm. During that time the very last thing I wanted to do was go out and find a date!! I couldn’t believe he was even suggesting it. I could barely crawl out of bed in the morning to get my coffee. Oh yeah sure I was going to get all dolled up and go look for a date!!! WTF!!!!
It’s awful to be pushed away and spoken to so cruelly. But I’ve learned that those words are an indictment on HIM not me. It shows HIS character not mine. Your mother, as most mothers, is a wise woman. LOL I still hear my mother’s words and they couldn’t be truer, “My dear TryingHard, remember a stiff cock has NO conscience”. One of life’s first and lasting lessons. I should have remembered that those words were attributable to ALL men, especially husbands!
Trying hard,
They must all read the same book!!!
My ex wanted me to have an affair after he had his affair. That way we would have been even?!?!?!?
I said no I won’t, I’m married and I don’t cheat!
I loved your moms word to you. I will remember them, lol!
I’m new to this blog, but am finding it very helpful. Husband had been tx/calling a sales rep helping him with his business for about 2 months, but then he had begun an ea for about 2 wks before he fessed up to me. Our marriage wasn’t in the best shape, but no excuse. For some reason I can understand how this happens, but the hurtful part is that he wanted to leave me and the kids over this short term relationship. I was in shock and completely out of character after 18 yrs of marriage, 25 yrs together. He never left, but was uncertain what to do for a period of time. I gave him many “outs” but he stayed. He was brutally honest with me and this was even more painful. I’d say about 2 mo later he seemed sincerely regretful and shared he felt that I didn’t love him anymore. Not sure I believe this and feel that he just didn’t love me enough to let this happen and this just kills me. We’ve had a good life, very blessed with great jobs, great kids, and strong family support all around us – and he was going to throw it all away. Ugh. I”m having huge trust issues now and maybe I’m to the point where I don’t love him enough to deal with it all. It consumes my mind and it’s been about 5 mo. We’ve had counseling, but thinking I need to keep going. If any of you have stayed in the relationship, please share your experience getting trust back or not.
Onthefence, it is still very early and raw for you. Don’t be too hard on yourself, it takes more than 5 months to get over the hurt. I’m a believer that trust can return eventually, but each person and situation will have a different time frame, some may never want to offer that trust up again.
Trust needs to be earned, your h has a lot of hard work ahead of him to earn that back.
You will have triggers, that will take you back to dday, we all do, but trust me, they will become less frequent.
It’s great your husband has been completely honest with you, many of our cs, won’t tell us everything, and even then just give it to us in drips and drabs, which makes it even harder, because it’s like having dday all over again, especially when they get caught out in a lie.
We all know how you feel, and it isn’t a fun ride.
My h told me he didn’t love me anymore, that he had a new love, in a space of him being away for 5 weeks. Before that I was his life. Go figure.
He did move out for a month (not with the ow) but returned after that month. It has been just over two years since dday for us.
I just wanted to add, that there will be times where you are going to question yourself as to why you stay, you will also question your cs true feelings for you. I don’t think you will ever forget what he did, but you can learn to forgive. There are somedays I trust my h, then I will have a bad day, and I struggle to trust. I know things will get better, as it has only been a year since my h stopped his contact, for me it doesn’t help that the ow still tries, I guess that is where my trust issues start to rise up. Then I look at everything my h does, what he says, how he acts, how much he has changed compared to when he was in the midst of his ea, compared to when he was still trying to cover up that she was still nagging him to leave me, to the time he stopped contact, and even afterwards. It’s like I have my old husband back.
It’s a shame that he stay that person I knew and loved, but he told me the same thing at the start of his ea. he didn’t think I loved him. I still don’t understand how he came to that conclusion, apart from the ow being in his ear and telling him that I don’t, as well as all the other sh!t she drummed into his head.
Yet I guess he needed to see what he had right in front of him, unfortunately, to actually appreciate what he had all along.
Strengthrequired – thanks for comforting words. Yes, I need to give more time but I just can’t shake this nagging feeling that I’m just not enough for him and he maybe wants something new. He has been great, putting in effort to make me feel better, but there are times I question his true feelings. Would love to crawl in his head and figure this out. I just don’t want to through this ever again and frankly know I don’t deserve it. I continue to let him know that if he is unhappy we can separate, knowing that if he takes advantage of this I’ll file for divorce. Guess I’m very angry about it and so hurt and resentful. Still in shock that this happened to us and can’t believe I was married to someone so needy and weak. Another thing that complicates the matter is that we are invested in my parents business, so can’t help but think he stays because of this reason and me for the same reason. It would be a mess if we divorce because it would directly affect my extended family. Ugh.
Thanks all for the advise on telling kids. I am going to trust the majority and not tell all unless they ask. I feel at peace with that decision.
On the fence-Man do I relate to your dilemma!!! Trust will be hard to get back no matter how hard your husband tries. It has been 13 mos since my h stopped contact with the ow and sometimes it feels like yesterday. I struggle often with trusting that he can be strong enough to not let this happen again. I still suffer triggers but as others said definitely not as often as the first 6-12 months. It is a leap of faith. It is scary for sure. I always try to remember the 22 year history we have created (although some if those years are now tainted) and I know I don’t want to start over with anyone else. But this doesn’t mean I don’t doubt my decision to stay. I also deal with the inability to truly forgive him and wonder if I ever will. What I have learned from this site is that all these feelings are pretty normal and to just rejoice in the fact that as time goes on I have more good days then bad. I wish you all the luck and just remember it is early in your healing–very early-hang in there!
New topic…
We are 6 months into recovery and things are wonderful. Both are
Comitted and working hard to move forward together. We are moving towards a great future we always imagined.
I trust my husband as I’ve learned through this process that I can clearly tell when he’s lying or has had contact with her. So he’s given up and realized my initiation is more powerful then any lies he can tell. Talk about turning point !
Anyways very rarely we have a discussion that goes arise, mostly because of fatigue, life stress etc….and the first thing I can think of is HER and what he did. I try hard to not bring it up but as things heat up it ends up coming up. (Then I deeply regret it)
Question
How do you keep from blurting out things about the other person?
Question
How do you folks deal with living in a community where you occasionally can run into the other person. I frequently see “her” as she lives close by. (Awesome right?). I would like to run her down with my car, but logically that would not be wise.
I have so much hate and anger towards her I shake when I see her. How do you deal wth seeing the other person??
2redhorses – I moved so I didn’t have to have anxiety attacks anymore. I needed to get away, whether my h came or not ( which he did , even though our business is still there he needs to still be there too). I think i would have been sent to the crazy house if I didn’t.
2 Red
It’s hard not to blurt out. I try to collect my thoughts before addressing a topic. Gives me a much more sense of control and thoughtfulness. Also gives me time to put my thoughts into words he will understand and answer to. I will say early on there was lots of blurting. Don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s natural.
As to seeing the OW around town well Once I honked and flipped her off. That was fun! She worked in a retail store and when I would see her I would stand tall, flip my hair and stare her down. I was by myself though. I’ve heard she’s afraid of me. Lol I love knowing that. She should be.
The best thing to do though is grab your husbands arm, snuggle in close and IGNORE THE BITCH!!! Don’t verbally confront her though. That will never end well and you will only come off looking stupid.
2redhorses- This just happened to me a couple of weeks ago. My husband and I were sitting at an event and she walks by- to the bathroom and back again. It seemed she almost had a smug look on her weasle face, certainly not as pretty as some ‘selfies’ I’ve seen her post of FB. I might be biased though as she contacted me previously, made promises without me asking and I was forgiving her and then she did again. She’s a fake and predator to my family. Even my husband said he didn’t know what’s she’s capable of, that she might be a wacko. So even after a year he said he really didn’t know her.
My husband thanked me for not letting it ruin our night. Silently it did though.
I’ll say this 2redhorses, if you freak out, everyone will consider you the crazy and she will surely use this as justification for her slimey part. Some of these cheaters are the most cold hearted, thick skinned people you will ever know- hiding behind good jobs and smiley faces, but they’re fakes, cheats and sociopaths.
You could tell your husband in a non threatening gentle way how it makes you sick to your stomach to see her, not just because you’re the jealous type but because she was the one who brought out the cold hearted sneaky part of him.
Best wishes on this journey you didn’t choose. Good luck to all of us!
Want to send out a big Thank you to “Overwhelmed”! You may have noticed that our site was down for a good portion of the day today. I happened to be out of the home office and was aware of the problem but couldn’t do anything about it.
Overwhelmed emailed me and offered his expert services and took care of the problem and got us back up and running.
Thank God for my I-Phone and Overwhelmed’s help!
LOL Doug!!! Don’t you know what OW stands for in this context???
Whoops! 😉 I wasn’t even thinking. I think I’ll edit that now!
Good on you overwhelmed. WhT a great thing you did.
LOL Overwhelmed. Change you moniker to Tech Stud!! Then we can never get you confused with the bitches again 🙂
Good job. I was wondering about the crazy messages I was getting.
Yeah, as a 40 something betrayed male, I’m really getting tired of you guys accusing me of being the OW. 🙂
Glad to be of assistance. I feel it’s the least I can do since receiving so much support from all the great people here!
Have you ever felt like you just want to run away and leave other people’s BS behind? That is the kind of day I am having. I am so tired of other peoples drama…I want my own life…….
Broken2
Oh yeah!! Yesterday I had to go to pick up some checks for our company and I had to drive by the hotel and restaurant he took her when we were separated after DDAY 1, three freaking years ago. I had a meltdown. Felt like it happened yesterday. Guess he could sense I wasn’t quite me last night so he asked what was wrong. I said “nothing” but he pressed on so I told him. He was so kind and loving but sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel. I am exhausted. Most days are good, but then I get thrown for a loop and it starts again. He asked if there was anything he could say or do (hey can you turn back the hands of time to before you started your stupid affair) and I said no because really there wasn’t.
So yes sometimes I want to run as far away as I can get from ALL of it.
I’m so happy for people like Rachel who are moving on and sometimes I think, WTF maybe that’s what I should have done!!
I know this is just one day so maybe tomorrow will be better 🙂 for you too.
Broken 2 and Tryinghard, I am so there with you. My biggest daily struggle is just not hopping my ass in my car and driving and leaving this shit all behind. This is coming from a person who was totally commited to my marriage. I just feel I have wasted so MUCH of my time on a whore. Makes me sick, both of them. The most special time of my life, my child’s elementary school years, have been tarnished by this crap. I’ll never get them back. Such a waste. My husband thinks he has a right to complain that I dont act “happy” enough or have too many mood swings. Lol, there is at least one time a day I can’t even stand to LOOK at him, much less act happy.
Tryinghard, broken, gizfield – I’m with you there too. Somedays, I sit back and look at things and just would love to just run away, because I’m sick and tired of everybody else bs too. Yet I already did run. Maybe I didn’t run far enough. Lol
I will say, at the beginning of last year, it took all of my strength, not to gather my kids in the car, and just drive, drive and drive, to not care where I ended up. When the kids were in the car, I would say, let’s go for a drive and have a look around, especially since we were new to the area, and that in itself took a lot of strength not to just keep driving. Not sure why I would turn around, but I did each time.
My h knew I was ready to leave, he would ask what I did that day, and I would say, I drove around, and I just didn’t want to turn back. I just wanted to head for the hills. He would go off to work and worry that when he would come home I wouldn’t be there, I guess that’s why in the end he ended up stopping the contact with cousin it. As he knew if he didn’t, it was only a matter of time, it wasn’t if, it was when.
Luckily for my h, I came across this site, and found you lovelies, because, if I hadn’t, I would have left no doubt.
Things got really crazy for us right after my daughter was born… Us both working full time and both of our Mothers becoming deathly ill.
Despite the new baby, my husband seemed to be away from home even more (I now know why) & I was left by myself caring for our baby daughter, two large energetic dogs, & if that wasn’t enough already…we also had two 13 year old cats that seemed to always be vomiting on everything.
Believe me, I often thought of just running away too, but only so he would know what it was like to care for everyone on his own. But then I would think… I need to bring my daughter with me, and he wouldn’t really care for the dogs or the cats… so I would have to pack them up too. Then I would think … what use is it to run away, if I’m bringing everyone with me?
Ironically, he is the one that ran away & so now he will never know what it was like to care for everyone else. I guess the silver lining is that at least it is one less animal to care for with him gone 🙂
Left behind
Sorry but that made me laugh. I think it was intended to be funny I hope. Well I guess one of the reasons I don’t leave is because my car won’t hold all my shoes and bags let alone my china cabinet 🙂
Are the cats still puking on everything?
Left behind, I had to laugh too, that was a funny comment “one less animal to care for. Lol…
Sorry about your cats that passed.
Cheaters are weak and needy, hence their need for adoration from ‘anywhere’ and their need to deflate others in a sneaky callous way to up themselves in their own deluded minds. They can’t even see the person they cheated with is a creepy, sneaky, lying cheat also.
Why is it so hard to say ‘I’m not happy with us’ What can we do?’ but they sneak around like losers with other losers. I would still have respect for my husband had he done this. I would have been sad if he wasn’t in love with me but the fact he was honest would have upped my respect for him. If only he had been honest..
Thanks. I was hoping it would come across as funny, instead of spiteful.
Sadly, both cats are now gone. The one got very ill, so I took him to the Vet, and paid for a x-ray, breathing treatment, & a steroid shot. He seemed to have rebounded for a month, then one day my X called me at work & told me that he had stopped by the house & found him just laying on the kitchen floor, so he took it upon himself to have the cat euthanized (without giving my daughter or I the chance to even say goodbye) then he didn’t pay the vet bill.
I ended up having to pay the bill myself, so our vet would still see our dogs.
Our other cat asked to go out one night & didn’t return the next morning. He was very old & not doing very well health wise, so I’m thinking he either went off into the woods to die by himself, or that he no longer was able to out fox the coyotes.
Sorry to hear of your situation and can’t imagine what you went through, especially as a new mom. Ugh. I’m sure makes you angry, but maybe a good thing this happened early in your marriage. When my husband had an emotional affair and told me about it, he wanted to leave after only knowing her for couple of months and talking on a more serious level for 2 weeks. We’ve been married for 18 yrs and was a dager to my heart. He considered leaving and moving out of town. Selfish and I’m sure the thought of starting over with someone new and exciting sounded very attractive to him. I was tempted to tell him that he needed to take our 3 kids with him if he did move so he couldn’t escape reality. Never would I have let that happen, but I thought at the time that would have been funny to get his reaction.
That’s the thing! I WANT my kids with me! The Other Person would be all nice at the beginning and then their true colours would come out. Yes that would be Karma.
Thanks for your thoughts OnTheFence,
Interestingly, my ex & I had been together 18 years when this all started too.
We had met our freshman year of College & dated for six years before even marrying. In the beginning, He heavily pursued/courted me, but I wasn’t sure about him.
Being the youngest of six children, after awhile I really relished all the attention. I had thought “if this guy is willing to go through all this trouble to date me, he surely will never hurt me”.
He felt like the safe choice, out of the other guys that were interested at the time.
We had waited to have children because of my fears. He was always getting involved in so much away from home that I feared being essentially a single Mom.
I would keep telling him that if he really wanted children then he would have to cut back on his activities. Finally, I decided he would never change, but I really wanted a child too.
The crazy thing is he wanted a child all along & now he leaves.
I guess that is what hurts the most, all I ever wanted was to be on his agenda & now he is going out of his way to spend time with someone else & allowing her to spend time with our daughter in place of me.
Left Behind
I am so sorry this has happened to you and your daughter
What makes me saddest is that we see those red flags over and over again and yet we don’t want to believe them. We believe our own version of what’s true and real. During my husbands affair I saw plenty of red flags but I blamed my own self for being a drama queen and that he couldn’t or wouldn’t be having an affair. He would NEVER be that uncaring, selfish, etc. I am saddest at not trusting me more than I am mad at him for betraying me.
We have got to learn to trust our own guts, instincts, and red flags. If anything this experience has taught me and has made me infinitely wiser is to trust myself first before trusting ANYONE else.
You wanted to be on his agenda and yet you KNEW the only agenda he had was his own. I did the same. He didn’t have time for us to be on HIS agenda and yet he had plenty of time to add another woman to his agenda. We made it easy for them to leave us off that agenda. We do it out of love, respect, and just trying to make life a little easier on them because IF we do THAT, they will appreciate it so much and put us on the agenda. WRONG!!! If someone says they are too busy for us, big red flag. They are making time for everything else they want to do.
I can totally see you going ahead and having a child knowing your husband’s shortcomings. It’s ok. You have that daughter and you are going to raise her to be a good, kind, moral person. Because of YOU she will make a difference in this world. Because of your wisdom and experiences you will raise her to be smarter and stronger. Your daughter is going to be great despite who her father is.
Good for you to be able to let it go and move on and make yourself a new, happy life without him.
Your story just drove home the fact that I need to keep listening to my own gut from now on.
We are all here to support and learn from one another and again a beautiful soul has blessed me with more wisdom. Thank you. Sending positive cyber-prayers to you and your daughter.
Left behind, I had 6 children, my youngest only being one year old, actually before my h left for his holiday overseas, two days after we had celebrated her 1st birthday, in which cousin it attended. A week after he left, all of a sudden he started acting strange, wouldn’t call and if he did was angry and short with me. He was like that for another 5 weeks, I had no idea wth was wrong, yet had a feeling it had to do with ow, deep down I had a feeling it had to do with cousin it, but I didn’t check that theory out until a week before my h was due to come home. I went past her house and it was all locked up and was looking like no one lived there. When my h came home, that’s when the truth came out, in just a matter of 5 weeks, he had become besotted with her and became this person completely different to the man I knew. It makes me sick at the thought that I welcomed that cousin it into my home. Funny though she kept wanting to hold my one yr old, but my one yr old at the time knew better, she cried and cried and wanted to get away from her. They say babies and young children have a sense of who is good and who is bad, well my bub definitely knew who was bad.
Has anyone had any experience with dissolved friendships post recommitment?
We have had support from 90%of our friends, but there are 2 couples that oddly have shown us nothing but drama and gossip and we have had to cut them out.
It makes us sad. How do you deal? Is this common?
Different topic—
I am having trouble wanting to reconnect with and forgive completely my h and his AP because of his 2 emotional affairs with her and the verbal/emotional/physical abuse I suffered due to my asking him questions over and over. He always evaded, stonewalled, or turned it back on me, and since I could get no real answers, I kept asking in order to understand how we got to the point that he felt he needed to go outside of the marriage.He has also shown little remorse. I moved out due to the abuse and we have been separated since last SEptember. I don’t know if this is a trust issue, if it is about the fact that I’m afraid he will again return to her — after all, he has done it twice now–, or if it is just that I see him in a completely different way now, not as the man I thought he was. We have gone to movies, dinner, and even to take pictures in the bluebonnets together with our dog, but I always feel that the AP is right there with us. I can’t seem to look at him without seeing her as well. THe fact that they work in the same office building and I have no way of knowing if they speak with each other or go out to lunch, etc daily is another issue with me. Has anyone else felt this way, and if so, did you get past it, finally forgive, and reconnect? My h has been working on himself in anger management classes, so changing the abuse is something that will take time and I know that and refuse to put myself in a position to ever be abused again. I just need some advice on the forgiveness and reconnection issues. Thanks!
Ocean girl , I can’t and don’t believe I want to forgive my h ow, after all she thought it was a good thing shoving her relationship with my h in my children’s faces, she felt deserving and entitled to my h. Instead of saying yo him, you need to be with your children, you have a baby at home, she kept him away from them.
This ow has shown no remorse for the pain she caused my family, she does not deserve my forgiveness. I sound bitter, and I am. Lol
The affair partner is married also. This is the second time they have been in an emotional affair together…..the two affairs were 18 years apart (supposedly). When I confronted her, she just acted like they were not in an affair, they were just friends and then accused me of having an affair since I was the one pointing the finger.
( Note: My husband is the only man I have ever been intimate with!!!!) No remorse. She also lied to me and said that she was single again. She is not single, she is still married. Poor guy — he doesn’t even know what she has done and who he is really married to! She is always talking about God and how He can fix things if you just go to Him. I thought “what a hypocrite to be talking about God and then texting and calling another woman’s husband at 2:00 am!”
A therapist I once went to said ” if you have to put the word “just” in front of “friends”, then it’s probably an affair.” I heard the “just” from both of them. I am still hurting and extremely sad all the time, and it has been almost 16 months since Dday. H continues to evade answers or give half-truths and I want him to take a polygraph so I can at least get an idea of what might have gone on or is still going on, but he won’t do it. I hate that I will never trust him again. We’ve been married almost 36 years. Fortunately, our kids are grown men, so I do not have to deal with the problem of kids at home. I am so afraid of becoming a bitter old lady and I don’t want to remain a victim. Neither of the cheaters deserves it, but I know that I need to forgive them, and that forgiveness, if you are a Christian, is not an option. I just can’t seem to make it happen. I can’t feel it. I have read book after book and listened to many speakers and gone to marriage seminars and therapists…..Nothing has made me change my feelings .I guess until it does, then I won’t be able to reconnect with him in the way I need to in order to make the marriage work. The bitterness remains toward both of them. And I am stuck. The only one I trust now is God.
Funny my h ow was also very much “godly”, then she started pursuing my h, and all that godliness fell out the window. Apparently once she would be married to my h, she was going to go find god again. Makes me laugh, thinking she needed to marry my h then to return to god.
I think ocean girl, you just need to give yourself time to heal, we all need to heal to find peace again. I think maybe when we find peace, then maybe we can be more forgiving to those that did wrong by us.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. Yet I do believe if you want to work things out with your h, focus on trying to forgive him first, the ow can wait a long time for the forgiveness you wish to give her. Just don’t rush yourself into anything your not ready for. One day you may wake up and feel completely different.
Is there anyway your h can change jobs? Maybe even a transfer?
I know how you feel.
Ocean Girl
So many questions.
Are you saying the OW’s husband doesn’t know she’s carrying on an affair with your H? If he doesn’t and you haven’t told him, is your reasoning some kind of Christian belief? Not judging just asking.
Really this is the biggest question. But I have many more.
DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT FORGIVENESS YET. Why do you feel you need to forgive someone who hasn’t even asked or for all you know wants your forgiveness. Forgiveness is wayyyyy overrated and you are only beating yourself up about it. Put that little present on the back shelf. Wayyyy in back, only to be taken out once he has been honest and remorseful about his affair. From your writing you are no where near that point.
You job right now is to get to the bottom of what’s going on in your life right now. If he’s still lying, evading, covering up, angry, closed mouth, he is probably still in the middle of the affair and if he is you have to make a big decision and give him a big ultimatum. Or you don’t have to and you can just carry on like it’s not happening. Your choice.
Yep, the “just friends” is a big red flag. He is gas-lighting you.
Sorry to be blunt, not really because I can’t stand seeing anyone make themselves a doormat.
Th, I like to know that question you asked too. I do believe the ow husband needs to know, I think it is worse not knowing what’s is going on, cruising along in your marriage thinking everything is wonderful. Then only to find out that you were the last to know and no one could say anything.
I look back when my h ea first started, when it all came out, I was so upset before wondering why my h was behaving so distant and uncaring while he was away. Then after reading some messages on my h phone one day, that my sil knew that he was looking at leaving me for his ow, (how this can happen in just a matter of weeks amazes me still) and he had asked her not to say anything to me, so she didn’t.
To feel like a fool is an understatement, but then to find out I could have been told something about his ea earlier than waiting 6 weeks to find out. Maybe I could have had the chance to sort myself out, given myself time to gather my thoughts and leave with my children before he came home, instead of sitting there wondering why he changed a week after he left on his freedom holiday, instead of me painting the whole house, instead of me making plans with him to collect him from the airport on his return, I could have let his skank do that, and have my oldest that were with him, find out earlier too, so they can be prepared for her on slaught. Instead of returning home thinking she was wonderful.
Ohh well, a dog will have her day. Lol
Feeling like a fool is an understatement and I don’t ever want to be caught off guard again. After my husband fessed up I looked back at the previous 2 mo and everything came together. 20/20 vision after-the-fact. I too regret some of my non-actions after learning of the ea too. Different times wish I could have been stronger to up and leave or force him to leave. I think this would have jolted him more to reality faster. I did tell myself throughout the tough first few weeks that if he ever left to “figure things out” I would have filed for divorce. It would have pushed me over the edge to have to tell the kids we were separating and I’d just rather divorce. Luckily or unluckily it never came to that, but time will tell. My gut check feels like he wants to be with other women and if this is so he will eventually goof up. This is a great place to be in….just waiting to see what unfolds. Yuk.
I can see the discussion has moved on since I last was able to look, but I wanted to say thanks to both Tryinghard & Strengthrequired for sharing your thoughts with me, and for the cyber hugs, both were much appreciated!
It is so true that I need to trust my gut more. I remember after my 2nd date with my X telling my mother that I needed to figure out a way to get rid of him & she had asked “why, I like him?”.
I tried more than once to tell him I thought we were better off as just friends, but he just didn’t give up.
When people would ask how we met, he would jokingly say he stalked me in college.
When many of our old friends found out what was happening, many said they couldn’t believe it, because he had worked so hard for our relationship back then.
Looking back, I now see that it should have all been a red flag … That he didn’t value my opinion & was incapable of hearing no. I was just another challenge to him, which once conquered was no longer interesting.
I hate that I even think this, but I keep thinking that getting me to have a child with him was the only thing he hadn’t yet accomplished in our relationship, until we had our daughter… and then he left.
I too struggle with the fact that I may never be capable of forgiving him. Right now I can’t even see him without feeling nauseous.
BLUE
The way you deceived the OW is on spot. Perfect
Thank you for eloquently putting my exact thoughts out there
The home wrecker in our life does hide behind a good job, a fake smile and a perfect life. But under its pathetic and sad and I see her now not as a shining thing to compare myself against, but a pathetic , sad, horrible individul that does deserve karma to kick her a$$
Sunday it was 80 degrees. We worked in the yard all day and took a hike in the evening. Today..an inch of snow. WTF?
Oh Doug, yikes!!!!
My boys and I worked all day in the yard Sunday as well! We kicked ass!!!!
I just have such gratification by doing so.
My neighbor yelled over to me saying how nice it is to have two teenage boys helping me.
I wanted to say ya, since their father walked out on us. But I didn’t I just said yes I am blessed, they are the best!!!
Rain for us today. Hopefully we are done with the snow. I know I am!!!
Sounds like Texas weather ….. wait a few minutes and it will change 🙂
Today it’s in the 30’s to start out…..by Thursday, the 70’s…..up to the mid 80’s. Nothing like experiencing 3 seasons in 2 days. LOL!
80 on Sunday. Put away all my winter clothes and got out the summer clothes. Yesterday 30 rain, snow, cold wind FREEZING. But last night with the wind howling just meant extra cuddling. I was grateful to have that nice warm body to keep me warm. Hopefully this is the cold weather’s last hurrah!