Once again it’s our monthly feature where our discussion is completely open to whatever you want to talk about. So far these ‘Open Mic’ discussions have been quite popular and for that, we thank you!
This is Open Mic #11 and we hope that there are some things that are going on that you can share with everyone.
So…
- What’s on your mind?
- Have any successes to share? Big or small.
- Got a question? Ask it.
- Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
- Any good books you’d like to discuss?
- What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
- What’s working or not working?
- Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
- Now that summer is winding down, any last minute vacation plans or ideas?
- Any suggestions for future topics?
Please don’t be shy. If there is anything whatsoever on your mind, please leave a comment below.
Thanks!
Linda & Doug
78 replies to "Open “Mic” Discussion #11"
Has anyone else noticed how it seems as thought this summer has gone really fast and it seems as though it’s fall already? It might be partially due to the fact that Linda and my son (who got a special ed teaching job with emotionally disturbed kids in the same school district as Linda ) had to start school today! Also, it’s been much cooler this summer than last. Hell, my grass is still green! Normally this time of year it’s brown from all the lack of rain.
I’ve been confused too, lol. My daughter has been school for a week. Since it’s middle school, she had orientation, etc. before that. I was thinking it was the end of summer in July. Most pools closed. Weather also weird here. Doesn’t really rain, just crappy and kind of cool. Summer went by in a blur, and I’m not pleased.
Yes, this summer hasn’t been the best. With Linda’s mother getting operated on we were unable to take a vacation other than our 4-day trip to Michigan. Since Linda is a teacher, summer is basically the only time we have for an extended vacation. We’re already thinking about next year. Plus it will be our 30th anniversary in June so hoping to be able to take a special trip for that.
That is great about your anniversary. Sending prayers for your mother in laws . speedy recovery.
It’s a weird day for me. Today would have been my first husband’ s 65th birthday. He died a few weeks before his fiftieth birthday. I’m not sad, it’s just weird. I’m unsure how to relate to my memory of him so I usually dont think of him at all. But birthdays usually make you think of a person til the end of eternity, lol. Maybe you could do a post on how to deal with memories of your ex when it ends badly. I dont hate him or anything but I dont love him either. He is just my past…
Disclosure. Wife had ea and pa. Facebook, long distance, old boyfriend. Two DDays, 18 months and 3 months, think contact stopped 18 months ago. Cannot get her to answer questions, volunteer info, be sincere & honest. Some lies continue I know. How can I facilitate disclosure? I get move on, get over it, I’ve answered everything, can’t take more of this. Stuck on it and it is sinking us.
Untold
My ex wouldn’t talk either about details.
It’s those damn ex’s!!!!
Mine looked up his from 30 years ago. Soul mates .
Be strong!!! Get I to counseling. Even just for you.
Stsymon this site it’s wonderful!
Yeah, soulmates. But he’s free and they’re not together, right? Hmm, interesting.
Summer has flown by and it has been unusually cool here in my part of the woods too. I love it.
School start tomorrow for us. And we are awaiting the arrival of our new grand daughter on September 17!!! That makes two grand children and probably won’t be anymore 🙁
We talked about taking a 10 day trip to Germany this fall, but had to cancel because we have too many irons in the fire with our business right now. NOT HAPPY about that. But it’s ok.
Our 40th wedding anniversary is next year too, so hopefully we too will be able to plan something special for that. No parties though, preferably a trip to Europe.
On the brighter side my husband surprised me with a long weekend trip to Chicago starting tomorrow for my birthday weekend!!! Almost made me cry when he sent me the email that he had made hotel reservations and dinner reservations at my favorite restaurant. HHHMMM maybe he isn’t such a rat fink anymore, BWAHAHAHA just kidding, of course he’s still a rat fink!!! 🙂
This summer here in Vermont has been fabulous, especially on the weekends. Doug, congrat’s on next year’s 30th. We just celebrated our 30th in May which is a very busy time of year for me, so no getaway, but a lovely dinner at our favorite “special occasion” restaurant. Instead, my H planned a great weekend getaway in August for my birthday to an area of Vermont loaded with amazing microbreweries (we hit almost all of them), plus we discovered a fantastic restaurant, and had a blast at Ben & Jerry’s factory tour which we’ve never done.
Need help with refresh. On this damn IPAD!
Does the odd or unexpected ever stop feeling ominous? Like finding a search on something that had never been discussed.
Theresa
Short answer to a short question, I doubt it. You have to get to a point where you stop looking. Or put your big girl pants on and ask.
Right, as usual. I’m getting tired of listening to myself.
Theresa
I know the urge to look and check up is enticing and sometimes overwhelming. I look too. But seriously you have to get to a point where it is HIS responsibility to hold up his own moral code. My husband knows I look and he’s actually pretty cool about it. There isn’t much to ask but when I do he answers. If you see something that bothers you, ask him about it. He gets upset find out why he gets upset. Ask him to put himself in YOUR shoes and what would he do. As long as you keep your cool they normally just answer the question., They are not stupid, they know why you’re asking.
All I know is no one can play marriage police for the rest of their lives. It will eat you alive. You almost have to get to a point and sort of not care. If you truly thought he was up to no good, you will know and you’ll know what to do too.
You hang in there Theresa. Stay smart and stay strong.
Summer is over 🙁
My youngest is off to college tomorrow for his first year.
I am very sad.
It was cool in coonnecticut this summer thankfully!!! My electric bill was low!!!!
Grass is all dry here though, with very little rain.
Rachel, you frown now because you son is moving to college but when he comes back for summer break you will initially be very happy and then that turns to frustration when he leaves his shit everywhere, doesn’t clean up after himself and comes and goes at all hours of the night. Eventually, you will be smiling when he leaves for college!
Rachel
You will bawl your eyes out and then when he comes home for Christmas break, and like Doug said, is out to all hours and leaving his shit all over the place, you will be doing the happy dance that he is going back!!
Hey I wish all we had was dead grass in my part of the woods. Our summer is ending up with racial unrest and riots, police and swat teams, it looks like a war zone in St Louis!! Very scary. I love outside St Louis and this area across the river in Illinois but folks from all areas have some very visceral opinions and aren’t afraid to state them. Pray for calm.
The tears won’t stop.
You are so right, Doug, lol. I worked two years before I went to college so I was used to living on my own. When I visited I had to stay with my parents that caused problems cause as a hard partying teddy twenty year old, I wanted to go out with my friends. I eventually just stayed with friends and hoped my parents didn’t find out. Iw would make occasion al trips just to see my parents and it worked out better.
My daughter is home for her last college summer. She’s my youngest, and has spent all four years in college in Europe. She’s bright, eloquent, fun, funny, beautiful, and has (I hope), become a friend as well as a great daughter.
And I have experienced the “go back to school itis” with the boys. They were actually pretty respectful for the most part. The thing I had a hard time with, especially living in an apartment, was how much SPACE they take up!
Theresa, We live in a fairly large home and we have a hard time with how much space they take up as well, because their shit is EVERYWHERE! 😉 We never raised them not to pick up after themselves, but it sure seems as though a little time away from home and being in that college atmosphere has caused them to forget everything. My son is the worst.
He’s considering moving in with a friend who just bought a house. Linda and I spent some time talking him out of it for now so that he could pay down some school loans and save some money. Unless he learns how to pick up after himself again we may be kicking ourselves in the butt for talking him out of moving!
Can you just kick it into a confined space and close the door? And it always seems the worst mess is the crap they leave behind
Does anyone else have one that won’t let you throw that crap out? Like pogs, cards, figures….Beany Baby’s!,,,,,,
And as far as crap goes, my daughter is the worst, and was before she left!
Summer flew by…I’m going to miss my youngest daughter as she returns to high school in a week, Summer has still been hot here in Texas as usual. The last 4 weeks have been really hard for me but the kids have been over and we had a nice visit with our best friends. Not sure what my future holds right now. School starts for me next week as well and I have decided to take a pretty heavy load so I can finish in 3 semesters. Next summer will be my internship then who knows.
My daughter used to have a very messy room, but a year away at college has taught her the value of organization! As sad as it is to see them go off to college, it’s been an amazing year watching her grow towards the adult she is rapidly going to become. Honestly I treasure it all, even the messes the kids leave in their wake. It goes far, far too fast. And had things turned out differently, I would only be enjoying my time with them part-time. I can see in my husband’s eyes sometimes as he watches me playing with the kids, or when we are having family time, the sadness of what he came so close to throwing away. I know how deeply he regrets the damage he has done to his relationships with all of us. Now that thing 1 is away at college, the opportunities for relationship building are so much fewer. As angry as I am sometimes at him, it still hurts my heart to see that even the kids don’t trust him and lean on him and look to him for help and advice like they used to do.
Looking for some thoughtful feedback-I know this will be somewhat hard w/o knowing me or our whole story, but quickly:
5/2009-12/2010 H had affair with coworker; 7/2009 had 4th child-didn’t know about the affair at the time; once I found out, I asked him if he wanted a divorce-he kept saying no but wouldn’t stop either; i filed in 3/2010; he got his own apartment but mostly stayed with me, blah, blah, blah-situation happened where I called police; he was arrested and there was a no contact order; we didn’t speak from 10/2010 until for whatever reason i agreed to speak with him in january 2011 while I had been talking to his mom. We talked for 6 hours-I immediately knew he had stopped the A and he was sincere in what he said. I knew in my gut. So, we have been working hard on things from 1/2011 thru today. I’ve gone through so many different phases, I feel I’ve lived 800 lifetimes! I got to the point of feeling so STUCK. Things would be great for a week and then the littlest thing would back me away a mile. I know it was because I was putting up my walls and protecting myself.
Had a serious talk with myself and decided that My H has been totally open and honest about his A and he’s here and active in the marriage-I have the choice to live and love in my marriage to the fullest or continue this ridiculous yuck and constant thinking and wondering. I opened my self up to vulnerability and him and things are absolutely great and we feel closer and there’s more talking and sharing.
Here’s what I’m looking for feedback on:
We are friends with a married couple-good friends. This couple was supportive for both of us throughout the affair. So, “Karen” is like a best friend to me. However, before my H and I were together she admitted to my H (while she was married) in a drunk moment that she had feelings for him. She didn’t want anything from him or pursue him and apologized to him the next day and felt really stupid about the whole thing. That was about 9 years ago. So, I don’t know why, but for the past 4 or 5 months everytime we go out, the attention she gives to him REALLY bothers me. The more she drinks, the more flirty she becomes-arms around him, sitting on his lap, very engaged in conversation with him, etc. It becomes a sore point of the night-I get upset, my H and everyone else notices, I look like the ‘bad’ guy and my H and I have very tense discussions over it. He stresses she’s a friend-OUR friend, that she is just being her. She’s really being no different than she has ever been and it’s never bothered me before. Why now?? Recently, I felt we had a bit of a break through discussion-I told him that I have finally opened up and let my walls down and opened myself up to vulnerability-maybe that’s why I’m more sensitive. I need him to give me more attention and stay closer to me during situations like that. And, let me tell you, I feel like a needy, little bitch asking for that. I really struggle with that because I’ve never been needy. I’m such a different person after this affair even 3 years later. In my head I understand why and that it will take time but that other person in me gets really frustrated and feels so stupid about things like this. I wonder if that inner struggle with who I am and who I used to be and want to be more like will ever end. Since this discussion, he has been more aware of things while we are out and is really making an effort to attend to my needs. just him being more aware has been helpful. I have been pretty relaxed and have not done much checking of cell records-it was a goal of mine to check less and less. however, I had the ‘need’ to check and saw that they had talked for an hour and a half one night while he was out of town for work. God, I have not had such a sick feeling in my stomach since during the affair. He said that she was worried that I was upset with her because I get so quiet when I’m there so he said he was talking to her about all the terrible things he did to me. He says-I was defending you and opening up about how much of an a**hole I was. I really haven’t told anybody about that except for you………….that last statement doesn’t work for me. Am I justified/right to be nervous/upset/uneasy about them talking like that? It was only one time and he saw how it upset me and has said that he won’t talk to her like that if it bothers me. He tells me anytime she texts. I’m not mad at her. I don’t think she is trying to come on to him, but I just can’t help not liking the direction it is going. Isn’t that a recipe for a bad situation?? Feedback very much welcome. Am I being foolish or overcautious or am I laying down groundwork and protection for our marriage???
okay you asked for honest feedback. if you don’t live in Antartica, and have no other alternatives for friends, I would stay away from this couple. they things she is doing, sitting on his lap, discussing your marriage in private, and all the other things you described are unacceptable. the fact that she is drunk, and doing it in front of her husband is no excuse.
Even if you are in Antarctica GET AWAY FROM THIS COUPLE!!!! They are no friends to your marriage
Sitting on his lap, was what got me worried for you. I have never had a friend that went as far as sitting on my h lap, drunk or not, and definately not in front of their h either. There is no excuse for that, and honestly your h should not be letting her.
This woman knows what has happened, and should be a friend of yours by not making you uncomfortable with her actions. Certainly doesn’t seem to be a fiend of your marriage, that’s for sure.
I have quite a different story. My husband and i are in recovery from his affair that ended 2 years ago. I only found out about it 11 months ago. This week my 17 year old daughter who has been dating a 19 year old for 1 and a half years told me her boyfriend repeatedly cheats on her. He texts other girls, naked pics, online dating sites ..the whole works. He even tells her about it. My husband and I (ironic that he is) are disgusted about it. She said I believe people can change. A 17 and 19 year old have no idea what that would take. Im asking how we should handle this? I don’t want him near my daughter or our house. She will be 18 in November. I dont want to push her away but i think this guy is garbage and have told her that. I want to give him a piece of my mind. Dont know if I should do that? Any advice would be welcome. The sad thing is i asked her how it made her feel and she said she doesnt feel anything. Shes numb to it. Wow! FYI.. i dont believe she has any knowledge of my husbands infidelity.
Summer is ending but my large family all go on vacation together at the end of summer. It is something I always look forward to but my husband doesn’t really feel the same way. He is from a quiet family with much older parents that didn’t really vacation together. He doesn’t really like the beach all that much but he goes every year any way. Problem is, the AP kept harping on how my husband would get out of bed with me during our holiday to talk to her for hours because he was so miserable with me. The affair is over and has been for 15 months. My husband has done everything right in reconnecting and repairing our marriage but I still feel bothered by her words sometimes in my head. He insists he only called her to keep her from calling him, which she apparently threaten to do by text nonstop while we were there. My husband can not turn off his phone due to needing to be available for his job. He claims he enjoys our trips and had grown to appreciate them more each year. I hate that she is out of our lives but I can’t keep her hurtful words out of my head. My husband is severally ADD so he has no trouble turning off memories that he doesn’t care to recall. I have much more difficulty in trying to stop obtrusive thoughts. I want to find a way to trust and believe in my husband without the ghost of his AP always rear her ugly head! Hoping for strength and the ability to exercise that demon who invaded our lives and tried so hard to ruin our love and claim my husband as her own.
Asil, as someone who has been reconciled for over 3 years and who has experienced the same haunting words as you, please know that it lessens. Strange as it may sound, when the words come I fight back with my own words in my head-I am here now WITH my husband; WE have worked together to succeed in our marriage; he has shared much about her that I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t appreciate. For me, it was really getting to the point of letting myself be open and ‘vulnerable’ again in our marriage-being able to accept the love within our marriage and focus on the here and now. My question to myself would be-why let the past dampen the good present I have right now. Don’t get me wrong it took a lot of practice for that and time-it wasn’t easy. Try to block her words out, remember that your husband was in a WAY different mindset and going through his own issues (we always refer to it as my husband’s dark period), and look around you and find all the positive n the way you feel right now. Good luck!
Thank you for the kind words of encouragement! I am normally the voice of reason and have no trouble finding the positive in everything but this whole thing has defiantly rocked my foundation! My husband sees the good in everyone so even if it is all over, I still feel like she had a strong influence over him and I find myself not being able to shake it at times, like really strong after socks at times! Our vacation seems to be causing a really big after shock for me. I know it’s me and there is no real reason for me to be feeling this so strongly, it is just one of those big triggers I can’t seem to shake! I will strive to make the most of it, and not let her continue to spoil my future happiness!
Asil, AP’s always want to elevate their importance in their own minds. Ignore her ass in your own mind. She was a mindless diversion, at best. And it inflates her ego to think she’s important.
I totally agree! She was really good at manipulation, excellent in making my husband feel total responsibility for ruining her life to the point of thinking he needed to leave me to take care of her since he had spoiled our relationship by having the EA to begin with. She tried to tell me that I couldn’t be around him and no matter what I did or my husband chose to do he would always be hers. They were old pen pals from 20 years ago. It was an EA and he never actually saw her in person even. No other relationship in her life had ever worked, she had 2 exhusbands and no friends and had all the answers to my husband happiness, yeah right! Sometimes don’t know which makes me angrier, her audacity or his gullibility!
Asil, my h ow was really good at manipulating him too. She also loved blaming him for her life, blamed him for not rescuing her. Made him feel guilty, would chuck tantrums.
I had to lol when you said you didn’t know what made you angrier, her audacity or his gullibility. I agree with you, if I don’t lol about it, I think I would just cry. When I think about he stupid the whole thing was, what they said and did, it is actually laughable, because it is so ridiculous.
I agree with Strength about Asil’s insight. “Sometimes don’t know which makes me angrier, her audacity or his gullibility!” My H was a pysch major and constantly tells me that he understood people. I’m quick to point out that he needs to understand himself, first. He was used by very young girl, but won’t admit it.
Tabs, it is hard for a man to admit when they have been used, if they do admit it, it means they aren’t so smart.
Couple of things
Asil, can he block her T#?
Tdleea, TRUST YOUR GUT!!! She is a threat!!! If for no other reason, the fact that she is something that you have uneasy feelings about, your husband should be more responsive to your observations. Her actions can not be ignored no matter what the circumstances. It is inappropriate to sit on another adults lap, what happens in a lap dance? For whatever reason, this seems worse to me. How would your husband feel if you acted this way? (Don’t do it!). Where is her husband during this performance?
You are not needy. You are protecting your FAMILY, not just yourself. This is not a “perceived” threat. It’s a train wreck waiting to happen.
The phone call would have been the last straw. Why did she call him (or did he call her), and why did he keep it a secret?
The biggest flag for me was a change in his behavior. On the surface things may appear to be innocent. But he had changed, doing things that were out of character for him. Things he had not done before.
Take a look at Shirley Glass NOT JUST FRIENDS.
Do the caps bother anyone? I know it’s annoying to some.
At the time he was still in the middle of it. She had told him it was over if he went on vacation with his family. He did go and she couldn’t stand it so had to text him and demand calls. Blocking her number would have ended it but he wasn’t at that point. Apparently that was her game with him, getting mad and blocking her number to make him upset. I don’t play games, have always been a straight forward person, maybe the game playing was appealing to him. It is over now, no contact for over 15 months. I guess I’m still processing it and trying to shake those nasty triggers. I also bought Not Just Friends. It is an excellent book. My husband read it too.
Hi everyone. I would like to share my experience, as a male, on EA. Ask a few questions and get some input on healing. April of 2012, I started dating this young woman via a dating site. We met and hit it off rather quickly. A few dayd after our first weekend intimate encounter, she gives me the whole ‘we need to talk’ bit. She wouldnt say it over the phone or through text. I got to stew on that scary message for about a week. My greatest fear it being an STD. (I was being incredibly stupid for not using protection) She finally confesses to finding out that she was pregnant from a prior relationship. I was relieved. I continued our relationship regardless of the fact that she carried another man’s baby. The sperm donor wanted no part of that child’s life.
Even today, that child is MY baby girl, almost 2 now. First 6 months of our relationship went by quickly. The birth of my daughter was probably the most exhilirating, wonderful and nerve racking experiences in my life. I fell in love the minute I saw her. I became a dad.
The first three months were very, very difficult. All that added stress on both of us really put a damper on our relationship. We pushed through it till about August of 2013. I got let go from my job, and things steadily declined. I became a full time stay at home dad at her request and I enjoyed it for about 4 months. Money was tight, we had less sex. We were growing apart. We couldnt afford to go out anymore together. She was upset. She started spending more time with friends and family. Less with me. I started getting angry. I felt helpless. We started fighting, a lot.
Prior to our relationship, about 3 years before, I had gotten in trouble with the law and lost my license. So I hadnt been driving our whole relationship. A lot of frustration stemmed from that. I said very hurtful things in my bouts of anger. Some I felt she deserved for her being so cold to me.
My anger at getting ignored, being stuck with the baby every day, and her treating me like crap really pushed us away from each other. I apologized for everything after a huge bout. Told her ill do what I can to get my license back, take anger management classes cause i wanted us to work. Even though I felt she might be cheating or about to cheat.
Fast forward a few months. I went to court, did a month in jail. Court was taken care of. A week after I was out, I was home and my daughter threw up all over her crib. Cleaned it up, bathed her, and took her to the living room to chill and watch toons. She has an xbox 1. Turned it for netflix and noticed skype was recently used. So i went to it and it loaded her profile instantly. So I took a glance and went to the first contact on the screen. She talked to this boy, whose 18, and Im not sure how it all works but im assuming she was using a mic and he was messaging. The very day I went to jail, it said they were on the phone for an hour and a half. I was livid. I started reading the messages and this boy suggested they watch pornography whilst chatting. I wont get into details but I was irate and heart broken after reading. The night before, she swore she wasnt doing anything that could be construed as cheating. I confronted her and asked why and she said she was lonely. She’s not really sure why she chose to hurt me when i had NEVER done the sort. It meant nothing she says. I was in fucking jail and she was lonely?! Excuse my language. I ended it. She still sends me texts saying she loves me and wants to work on us. I mean I still love her, but if she could lie about something that meant ‘nothing’ to her, who says she wont do it again? Who says she hasnt already gotten physical with this boy? Who knows if this was a ‘one time only’? She’s destroyed every ounce of trust. I certainly dont want to lose my child because of this, but at the same time, I have no say in the matter as she’s not my biological daughter? Im struggling to cope with this. I sleep poorly, I eat poorly. Im still very angry. Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions?
woehle, now firstly I commend you for taking the steps for anger management, as well as taking on a child that was not yours. Now as for your cs, I am unsure how faithful this woman can be, she sought out a man at the early stages of her pregnancy, has let you take the responsibility of raising the child, and she plays around on you. You haven’t even been together for very long. How would she be in a long term relationship, is she capable of being in a relationship that can last a lifetime, committing to one person. I’m not sure.
She still sounds quite young. Seeking attention from other young men, this early on in a relationship seems to be a bell ringer for me. Have you thought about sorting your own life out, concentrating on yourself, getting yourself back on your feet, finding work, and maybe finding then a young lady that you can see yourself in a long term relationship with, where there is no dramas, no children, so that you can build a solid relationship with, and then starting your own family together. I know you love this little girl you have classified as your own since her birth, but as you know, you may not have any rights to her, and if you are unsure at this early stage on whether you can trust her mother, then maybe you need to really sit back and decide not to settle for second best. No one here can tell you what to do, but we can advise you to really look inside your heart and soul, look at how your relationship started, look at the bumps in the road you have had, look at all your good times too, and weigh it up. Think about what you want in a relationship, think about what is important to you, and decide whether you can have it with your cs, decide whether you can trust her enough to try, decide if she is really what you want, or are you only thinking of the child involved.
You need to know in your heart whether being in a relationship that is still very new, where trust should not be an issue but is now, can you move forward without regretting which ever way you choose to go.
Recovering from a betrayal is hard, it is not an easy road, it can be a long time before you can bring yourself to trust the person that hurt you again, and that is only if they put all the effort in completely to prove they can be trusted.
I wish you good luck and I do hope all works out the way you hope.
I just wanted to add that I’m not saying that your cs is not to be trusted, I’m not saying you should not give her another chance, as everyone makes mistakes. I’m not saying that your cs, does not love you, I do not know her to pass judgement on her. Only you know what she is like, which is why I say, truly look deep within yourself, and the love you have for her, and decide what you can and won’t live with.
Maybe you can consider taking her out on dates, getting to know each other again, before you make a decision. Reignite that spark you both once had, or still have within. We all know here that once a child comes into the picture life changes dramatically, ups and downs can arise. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love each other any less, it just means a young person needs more attention and if not careful your relationship as lovers can suffer, and resentment can build. Long term relationships need to always be worked on, there will always be times when things don’t seem to go as planned, but when you work together you can get through anything.
Oh Rachel. I know how you feel. I cried for two weeks when my youngest moved out and he was just in the next town over!!!
But, I wasn’t divorced and hadn’t gone through all this shit yet. Look you raised a smart son who is at college because of your efforts. I’d bet your ex didn’t have much input in raising him. Try to feel proud and not sad about him leaving. You know this is one of our greatest accomplishments raising independent children.
I promise you’ll get used to it. Heck even look forward to him going back to school:)
Hang tough little one, you can do it!
Thanks trying hard.
My son loves college. I am so happy!!
It’s hard. The house is quiet.
Thanks for the input. Its appreciated. You’re right, I have no say in the matter. I will always love that girl and I wont forget her. As much as I’d like to trust her, I dont think I ever can. Blatant disregard of trust. For the time being, all contact has ended. Im in the process of working on me. When I do fix my life, things may be different. If not, so be it
Woehle, that is good to hear. Concentrating on yourself right now is a good thing. I do wish you all the very best, and I truly hope all works out for you.
ASIL
I’m guessing your husbands affair was a total fantasy in the biggest sense of the word. He never saw her? Only texts, emails, and phone calls? Weird. Regardless, his attention was somewhere else and not on you and his responsibilities.
You said it’s not him it’s you. It’s not you it’s him. My therapist compared it to a train. He was on that train speeding down the tracks and then he got off that train just as you were getting on it. You need to catch up with where he’s been. You simply need answers. Yes you have terrible thoughts and questions that only he can answer.
I don’t get the appeal for these kinds of affairs especially for men. Men normally act for the ultimate goal which is sex. I guess it’s kind of like pornography or sex lines. Everybody has their own weirdness I guess but a lot of men don’t see the big deal they didn’t actually cross the line and have physical sex.
I don’t get what she thought she “had” with him? A pretend boyfriend? What’s that? Ugh people are so weird.
Don’t blame yourself though and don’t take the onus of his bad choices. It’s not you, it’s him.
Woehle, I know it’s difficult, but I saw my nepheew go through several similar situations. He met pregnant girls, who mostly came on to him. Got him to support them and got him attached to the baby . Then either cheated on him or left. He finally found a decent woman and has children of his own. I myself was unmarried and pregnant and can’t imagine going on dating sites if my relationship had broken up. That is a time to concentrate on your baby I think. Just my opinion.
Gizfield, you are so right, it is the time to look after your baby growing inside of you, not trying to find a young man to date.
Tryinghard, she was his penpal from when she was 16 and he was 20. He saw her once in person while traveling across country on his motorcycle. She had her boyfriend with her at the time and I think she touched my husbands hand briefly. That has been the only in person meeting and that was 24 years ago. While still married to her 2nd husband, she looked up my husband, hoping he was single. She then spent the next 2 years trying to convince him to leave me for her. She convinced him that it was an old flame kind of love and they were meant to be together. She traveled across the country to our neighboring state to stay with a friend twice in the 2 years. Each time my husband promised to visit her at her friends but he did not show either time, claiming it would be actual cheating if he had gone and he couldn’t do that to me. She begged him to come to her, giving him 3 different ultimatums to show up. He did not show up so she broke it off and then 3 weeks later, contacted me to let me know what a horrible person he was. When i did not leave him, a month later, she was begging me to let him go because she loved him and HER family had been expecting him. He fought so hard to deny her manipulation and refused to view it as a fantasy relationship and knew he had thought long and hard about it to believe she must be right for him to ever cheat on me because he loved me so much and couldn’t swear how he ever let out go that far unless they were meant to be together. Midlife crisis for sure, which he didn’t want to believe was true either. It took him a long time to get his head our of the sand!
ASIL
Ok, well let’s see how to put this—oh yeah like this. THAT WOMAN IS BAT SHIT CRAZY!!!! Stay away from her, do not take any calls from her. Seriously NC with the crazy bitch. She sounds like that character Rose on Two and a Half Men.
I would not even discuss her with your husband. She is pretend. Seriously he considered leaving you for her for even a nano second??? WTF, may next he’ll go after Cinderella and Snow White?
She was totally a fantasy for your husband. He may have been talking to a real person, but no way he ever came close to knowing her. Nor she him. BTW people don’t not have affairs because they love their spouses too much. They don’t have affairs because they know they have a lot to lose and they have good moral compasses. So may that’s your H. He’s just very immature thinking his fantasies are real.
Of course he doesn’t think she’s bad or good. She’s nothing. She’s a poof of smoke. She’s no more than last nights dream.
He had his head in the sand alright, they all do. My husband’s head was totally up his ass and it took lots of therapy and talking for him to figure that out. I hope your husband can do the same and figure out why he was drawn to live in lala land with a pretend relationship with a person he’s saw once 20 years ago.
Asil, it’s funny, she sounds like my h ow.lol. As th said ” batshit crazy”. My h ow made my h believe that she was his soulmate and long lost love since they were both children. They never had a relationship with each other at all. Until 20 years later, she decides that he is her target, he is what she wants, my life is what she wants, so she started all her manipulation, all her crazy talk, to get into my h head and have him believe the stink that came from her mouth. His head took a long time too, to get out of his ass, just so he could finally see where the sunshine really existed.
Th, could you imagine how crowded it would have been up our h ass? Lol
I have had an unusual afternoon. for some reason, I feel that my husband has a secret email account. There is a service I used a couple of years ago , but didn’t find anything then. Today I found a site where I can get free searches for a week, lol. I also think I ordered a background check on my husband. At least I now know he has no criminal record. I decided to check on the w****, and found a guy I think is her ex. I don’t think they ever married, what a surprise, but she must have used his last name a while. I couldn’t figure why this guy was in new Mexico so I went further back. I could not believe it but I found out that he lived in the same trailer park as my co cheater 25 years ago. how ironic is that? I searched my co che eater and found out he lives in a nearby town. I also saw that he had 14 court records, lol. I thought that was bad until I searched for a guy I dated when I was 18. he was bad news then, druggie, liar, thief, cheater but he died 5 years ago at the age of 50. he had 29 Court records. if money were no object, I would look at both of those. I really know how to pick them. I may get brave later, and search for my dad. the one I’ve never spoken to or met.
and I still didn’t find any email addresses on him, not even the ones I know about. what is up with that, lol?
You know giz, now that we know what they are capable of, why wouldn’t we think the worse? I hope your h doesn’t have one. I don’t know what to say about the others you looked up, except wow….
Here’s one for y’all. I went to a wedding this weekend solo due to family logistics. Sat next to what I thought was a nice ex military man – educated, traveled the world, great stories and very much my senior. Spoke highly of his wife, how wonderful she is, but how she doesn’t like crowds which is why he was flying solo. Today I get a call from this dude throwing fishing lines out. “Hey nice meeting you, would love to see you again, you have a great personality, I bet you’re great fun to have a relationship with, now that you have my number text me sometime.” W-T-F is wrong with people????????
He got my number by asking a female friend under the ruse he had some pics from the wedding he wanted to txt me. Then come to find out he told a male friend that if I ever wanted to “dump my husband” to let him know. Seriously???? I’m sorry but this kind of bullshit turns my stomach!!!!! Makes me want to get a mumu, shave my head and move to Wonder Woman’s Paradise Island. LOL!
But the funniest part about it is when I told my H. His comment was, “Give me his f’ing number so I can call him and set his f’ing ass straight.” Funny how it is when the tables are turned.
FCOL
That is PRICELESS!! OK I say, you go girl! No shaved heads, no mumus etc. You let your beautiful light shine! Strut your stuff and let them eat their hearts out.
What an arrogant effer that guy was. Who the hell was he to assume that he was all the freaking great that you would be person to compromise your integrity for a “relationship” with him? Oh yeah these people are called functioning sociopaths. They look all normal on the outside but are a mess on the inside. Here’s the sad thing, if I were divorced this is probably exactly the kind of person I would unwittingly let into my life!! They are professional con-artists.
You should let you husband call him. I would. Let him rip the guy a new one and then he will know how you feel about the OW. Not only that the jerk, not your H but Mr. I think I’m all that and a bag of chips, needs to be cut down a few notches, IMHO. Let the tables be turned. Let your H sweat it out for a while.
See the Karma bus does arrive on time 🙂
It is priceless on so many levels!
As for the arrogant effer, you would think after nearly 70 years of age and 40+ yrs of marriage he would have gotten his s#!+ straight. I don’t want to think how many times he has done this….ICK!!! Like Giz said these “playas” (LOL) are disgusting. If he wouldn’t have waxed on about how wonderful he wife was I wouldn’t be nearly as creeped out. It’s not like he’s the first married man who has openly tried to pull me into immorality. But after the phone call he comes across as a nasty buzzard I wish I had never met.
BTW – I think just now, 4 yrs post d-day, am I getting some solid self worth back. So I intend on letting my light shine. Shine baby shine!
Oh, ugggh, Fcol. That guy is disgusting. Lol, just noticed my autocorrect is showing Spanish… What the hell??? I wonder if these Playas really think anyone decent would be impressed by their crap and respond? Unfortunately, they probably do.
Giz
Hola Giz, commo usta???
Just kidding :).
Giz,These people are EVERYWHERE!! It’s just that our husbands were stupid enough to fall for their narcissistic line of crap!!!
Creeps and stupid make for nasty shit storms.
lol, Trying. Luckily, I got it changed back to English. I had a year of Spanish in tenth grade and a year of French freshman year in college. I got excellent grades and remember nothing. Except destroying the class pencil sharpener with a baseball bat trying to hit a pinata. My horrible Spanish name. My psychopathic teacher. Getting in trouble for chewing “chicle ” and lying about it. the usual. Despite the best effort of my state’s educational system, I suck at foreign language, math, music, art, and pe. No wonder I have “low self esteem” and tolerated a cheater, lol. I’m one of those people who could live in a foreign country and still never learn the language.
LOL Giz
I’m sure you make up for it in other parts of life and you are NOT a loser.
Hey FYI, I speak French fluently, pretty good math skills, artistic and creative and I STILL tolerated a cheater as well 🙂
You’re in good company my friend:)
I agree about the shitstorm , Trying. I’vebeen reading lots of non fiction lately, especially regarding abusers, psychopaths, sociopaths, etc. It’s fascinating, especially to the extent that, like cheaters and alcos, they say the same things, use the same techniques, and follow the same script. Wow. It truly is amazing.
Thanks, TH! I don’t feel like a loser. Unfortunately, I am a loser MAGNET, lol. Contrary to popular belief, it’s more fun for psychos, etc to destroy people who are more “advanced” than they are. Guess they enjoy the Challenge. I put up a good fight but never really win.
Giz – I think you’re awesome! Many times you say what I’m thinking and I like your candidness. You remind me of myself and then I don’t feel so alone in this craziness!
Thank you, FCOL ! It’s great to hear that you enjoy some of the things I write. It’s wonderful we have a place to share our thoughts and experiences with others who understand. It’s so helpful to us all. Keeps us from getting “that look”, the one you get from when you tell someone who hasn’t been through this something, lol.
Has anyone else gas one of their children say ” our family just isn’t the same anymore”
My oldest said that to me today, and to be quiet honest I agree so much. Yet it’s sad to know that your children feel it, not just you.
SR
That is really sad that your little guy feels that. But families change constantly and all they really care about is that you and their Dad loves them and is going to be there for them.
While I think most kids can handle the whole “Daddy and I are working on some issues…” kind of talk, filling them in on the details and even over hearing some of the more detailed conversations should be avoided at all costs.
In reality, children don’t really care about “adult” problems and will spread the blame equally because well, they are immature children. They can’t listen to one side of the story and then the other and come up with any kind of mature solution.
All they need to know is you love them and their world is going to be ok.
You and your husbands responsibility is to protect them and their immature hearts and ears from taking in too much of the bullshit they are hearing and feeling. I’d just ask him, “how so?” just to make sure he knows he’s being heard by you and his father. He’s just scared.
Heck if we as adults don’t understand the infidelity and our spouses bad choices how on earth can we expect children to understand? They can’t and what’s more they don’t want to and shouldn’t have to.
Hope that helps.
This was my adult son.. He has to move out when we moved away, and since we have moved back, he is happy, but also likes his independence. He sees how we aren’t like we used to be, he saw my h and his ow together, saw photos of them, so that is an image for him that I think is hard to shake. Yet it is sad, the whole thing should never of happened.
strength, I understand that your son is upset by what has happened but it could be so much worse. many fathers become estranged from their families, and some even dessert their families over this. you were strong enough to avoid this happening.
I know that Kaya posted that people who reconcile with their spouse lack ” morals, integrity, and respect.” I’m totally unsure what this has to do with my morals or integrity. however I do know that I respect myself and that I made a decision in what I wanted for my daughter’s life and worked to make that happen. I do not have a court telling me when I will see my daughter. I do not have her around people that I object to, specifically a woman he was dating my husband while married to me. she lives in a happy, stable home with two parents that are totally devoted to her. I have friends who have joint custody with their exes, and have heard many of the horror stories divorce can bring for a child. one lady even had to send her child to another state for 6 weeks this summer. I cannot even begin to imagine how horrible that was for both mother and child. to me, admitting that my husband was a selfish a****** is a small price to pay to avoid these consequences. the only remotely good thing to occur from my husband’s infidelity is that he finally appreciates his family properly. he and my daughter have gotten so close and I know that I played a big part in that. she had not even started kindergarten when he cheated, so she would have had to deal with the repercussions of a divorce for the next 13 years, minimum. I know that sometimes divorce is necessary but thank God it’s not always. each person has a personal choice to make, and there is no one right path for everyone. I do know that I made the correct choice for myself and my family, even though it has not been easy.
If he’s an adult then he gets it.
My adult son worked with the OW for 3 1/2 years unbeknownst to him that she was his father’s affair partner. He told me he saw her flirt with him and put it out there for him but was certain his father was above taking that trailer park trash up on what she was offering.
Turns out he was wrong and I think he’s still disgusted and pissed at his father. Not for my sake but for being such a dumbass to put him and this business at such jeopardy of a law suit or worse from her.
Hopefully your son and his father can work on their own relationship and also that he respects you as his mother and for your own personal choices.
Th, I think it’s hard for the older ones because they know how our family used to be, they grew up coming from a happy home, then something like that happens and it shows different to what they painted their life to be.
He is closer now to his dad, yet he used to ask me why do I stay? He doesn’t anymore, yet he worries why I don’t seem to smile as much.
Giz, my h actually appreciates his family more too, he even admitted that, all my other children get to see it daily, except my oldest, the one that had to move out because of our move due to the drama back then. My h wanted so much to get our family back together under the one roof, yet my son doesn’t want to, and fair enough. I know he has been hurt just as much as any of us, yet he also seems to have gotten somewhat closer to my h too, more than before. However, I think there is a scar there, that is going to take a while to heal.
As for kayas comment it had upset me to see that and no way does it reflect on us as being disrespectful, lack morals or integrity, to ourselves, because we chose to work on our marriages. We all had our own reasons on staying, or leaving, my children are still young, apart from two of them, I too have heard the horror stories, I have nieces and nephews on both mine and my h side that have watched their parents divorce, and it hasn’t been great for any of them. That was the last thing I wanted for my children, and it is the last thing my h wants for them also. That is only part of why I chose to stay and fight for my marriage, I knew what we had together and definately wasn’t going to let some ow take my life. She definately wasn’t going to get my children.
Giz, did you comment back to kaya? Do you remember what her comment was under, I can’t .
We are or were our kids safety nets and when we break apart they feel unsafe. No matter what their ages are.
Strength, I didn’t respond to Kaya. The post was called Does the Cheating Spouse Live with Regret? Whoa, I’m so tired. Just got home from the waterpark with husband, daughter, and her friend. It was so fun .
Thanks giz, I’m so glad you had a wonderful time, that really is great. Keep being happy you deserve it.