Infidelity causes intense emotional pain--anger, disbelief, fear, guilt and shame. But an affair doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage.Open Discussion: Why Are You Here?
This week’s discussion is going to be a little different. This week you are going to help us help you!
Here goes…
Why do you visit this site? Are you here because you are looking for help in surviving a marital affair of some sort? Or do you need help to save your marriage in general? Do you prefer articles, audio or videos? Are you looking for the point of view of the cheater, the victim, or both? Should we add a forum? Coaching? Anything else you can think of?
By getting involved with this discussion we can a do better job at offering the things that you want. Though this blog is a great therapy for both of us, we also want it to benefit you as much as possible. Those of you who have never commented or are new to the site are especially encouraged to join in! This could actually be one of the most important discussions we’ve had yet, so please comment!
So please help us help you! Thanks and have a great Wednesday
Doug & Linda
Related posts:
You know the question I was asking myself this morning as I looked for my bookmark to this site, is why I am STILL here. I initially came here to find some information, ANY information, about an emotional affair. I was looking for hope in my situation and I was looking for the point of view of both sides. I was looking for a situation similar to mine that turned out ok.
I found all the support I needed, I do wish that there were more open forums or maybe a page where we could all talk about the issue that was plaguing us for that day.
Now, I ask myself, with all that has transpired, why do I return day after day to read the posts?
I have finally decided that my marraige is over. I was hurt and so emotional for so long, after six months and two months with him being out of the house, I am finally ready to let go and be me again. I sacrificed so much for so long. I let him make me believe that all of this was my fault because of my failings as a wife and that I was the failure.
Because of this site and because of my friends, I no longer feel that way. I am back! I am me again, and never again will I allow another person to take that from me. I will always carry the scars from this with me. I do not know if I will ever trust again like I trusted him, but only time will tell.
Now after reading all of this that I just wrote it becomes clear. I am still here because maybe, just maybe, there is someone else in a similar situation as me….the one that didn’t work out. And maybe some of the things that I did wrong can help someone else do them right and heal quicker, or maybe take a different turn than I did and save what I could not.
I am so much better this week. I can’t even explain it. The fog has lifted. I went on a date with someone I had gone on a couple of dates with in the past, when I was “trying” to move on. I never understood why, this handsome, sweet, funny guy who had a lot in common with me, didn’t make me feel different.
Well over the past few weeks I have been working at letting go a little more everyday. Allowing that space between my and husband and myself to grow. And I have gotten better. And once my eyes started to open and I started to see and pull away, a magical thing happened. I went on this date, and felt the butterflies! For someone I didn’t think I was going to click with….It was an eye opening experience. I could FEEL again!!!
Now, I am not in love with this guy, and we are not an item, but I will always thank him for what he gave me. He made me feel again. Not just for someone else, but for life! I am smiling and happy. My kids don’t know what to think and my friend was nearly in tears yesterday when I was telling her how I felt. I don’t feel like I HAVE to see him or talk to him. Its weird, but I am enjoying it. I think what he did was make me understand that I am still a good person, and people can and do like me and it isn’t the end of the world if one person doesn’t.
This site is wonderful. It is a wonderful tool and a wonderful support. I hope to watch it grow and be a part of it for a very long time! I thank you both everyday from the bottom of my heart. One of the best and most important things is that this site is free. It is difficult to be a single mom and find all the resources out there are pay sites!
Giving up, Wow! Great comment. We’re so glad that you are moving in a positive direction for yourself. I wouldn’t doubt that in the not too distant future that your husband will come crawling back to you. What will you do if/when that happens? Thank you too for the wonderful compliments.
I am not so sure. Though, when I mentioned last night that I had a date this saturday (saturday is usually the day he spends at the house with the family) and was going to be out for the day…he got noticiably irritiable and left pretty quickly. When I asked him about it, he couldn’t tell me why it bothered him.
But, if in the future he does try to come crawling back, I don’t know. I am to the point where I am starting to resent what he did to me. Not even the affair, but the way he made me feel about myself. Like it was all me and all my fault. It was my fault he had feelings for someone else. You know? My eyes are wide open and a lot would have to change for me to allow him back.
I am not saying I definitely wouldn’t. But at this point I am not saying I definitely would. I have begun to look at him completely different. I am almost glad, no I am glad, when he leaves early in the evenings. I might be alone, but at least I am not sitting with someone who thinks less of me you know?
I have decided to surround myself with people who appreciate me and like me. There is also the kid issue. He is starting to break promises he made to them and get angry about it when I call him on it. I don’t know if I can respect someone who puts his kids after his new girlfriend you know?
Twice now he has promised them something and backed out. Twice now he has broken my daughters heart. The other kids don’t believe him so it doesn’t hurt them as much, but this one hangs on his everyword. But she is begining to lose faith in him.
So the question is, after all he has done to hurt EVERYONE in this family and in the other family, can I respect him enough to be married to him should he come crawling back? I don’t know.
Giving Up, Good stuff. Though I have only known you for a few short weeks through your comments, I can see a big change in you. If I can see it, I’m sure he can too. Putting his girlfriend before his kids is not good. He will come to regret that.
Giving up? Maybe it’s time to change your post name to something else. You haven’t given up at all. You have grown and I am so proud of you. Only time will tell what the future holds but whatever comes you will be ready. I am really happy for you. Your H is in a bad place right now so at least your children have that one constant and that is you, a much better you.
Agreed. You should change it to “Starting Over” or “Moving On” or something like that!
Point taken….totally true!! Name Changed!! LOL!!
Thanks Last! I agree h is in a bad spot and has been but I can’t help him anymore. I tried and tried and tried. I have to be better now. Thanks for all your help and support guys!
Welcome Starting Over!
Giving up…
Great to hear about you doing better. I too, in the last couple of days, have felt better with myself. I am finally starting to do things that make me happy. I am doing so much better at work. And have a new outlook on life. I even questioned whether or not coming to this site was helping or hurting me getting over it.
I was reading jays post the other day and I feel her pain. I counted the days after I found out for about a week. I kept a diary for about two months and moved to this site as a place to output my thoughts.
We’re like a support group here and I appreciate everyone who has posted to me and on here. I know I’m not alone in this. And I feel the support here that I have only felt with my best friend. We are all going through this or getting over it. We have all been affected by this in our own special way. And we have each chosen the path that, with the facts that we have, was best for us.
I spoke for a long time with my best friend this morning. We spoke about how neither of us have ever been affected but a drug or alcohol addiction. And how “affairs” have changed our current life and relationships. I have known him for over 24 years and now that we are getting older. We are in a new part of our lives. We are different people now because of our lifes experiences.
I am here at this site to support my feelings for my wife. And help others with what they feel, and what they don’t want to say. We all have different lives brought together by an incident in our lives. We are here for each other, and for ourselves. I’m so glad for all of you.
One of the things I feel is odd here is that poor Doug gets a little beat up, being one of the only ones to post on his side of the fence. And I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that. You made a bad choice. I get it. But I’m impressed by how you, whether completely or not, express yourself on here. It takes a lot of guts to stand up and say. I F—– up. Guts that I have found. And that I hope my wife will find. Because I still love her the same.
We all have issues in our life that we have to deal with on a daily basis. Thoughts of neediness, loneliness, anger, betrayal.
Thoughts of long lost loves. Attention we get from a person of the opposite sex. Closeness we feel to someone who has had a similar life experience. Attraction to someone who portrays a trait we find appealing. Caring for someone who we don’t want to see hurt. Empathy for someones pain. And self blame, that the hurt someone feels is because of us.
It’s what you choose to do with that feeling that determines your character for the future. It’s what you do to correct what was wrong inside of you that helps you move forward as a better person. It’s what you decide you want, that you do for yourself.
- I want a better life for me, my wife, and my children. And I am going to make it happen-
Michael, Thanks you so much, and yet another wonderful comment. I know that many others get a lot out of what you have to say. I’m glad that you are feeling happier these last few days.
Michael,
I am glad to hear you are in a better place as well. I can tell from your post that you are at least feeling better. I hope the best for your family and you and your wife!
As for the other parts of the question.
I’m on a work blackberry, so I can’t enjoy the audio or videos until after work. I enjoy the open discussions a lot. I think you should open up the recent comments to include more. We are growing in numbers on this site. On days where we have open discussions the recent column changes often and I think I may have missed some comments.
As I said in my last post I want and would like to hear from Doug’s side of the fence. Maybe more so because my wife isn’t as open about what happened. I know in time it will be a lot easier for her. I know she has issues with me and what happened to her. And I know she has things in her life that she has trouble dealing with. I just want her to know that I am here for her.
Michael, All you have to do is ask! I expanded the “Recent Comments” section to list the last 10. If I did more than that it wouldn’t look right. Do you think the comments for an individual post should be listed from oldest to newest (top to bottom) as they are now, or the opposite, so that the most recent comment is posted at the top?
Thank you -Starting Over- for you words of support. I hope the best for you as well.
No. I like the way it is set up now. With the newest at the bottom. It flows well reading the days post and then reading the post downward. It works well. Did you two have someone help in setting up the site.
One of the only things I have done is pull my comments off and look how they have changed over time. Don’t know if it is even worth doing or how many would contribute but, would you ever consider having a section where readers could post a little about themselves. A little bio. So new readers could get a feeling about who is posting. No major info just basics. Like a little info page about them. Don’t know, but what do you think? Something to explore.
Michael, Thanks for your input. I checked other sites and seems most have the comments in oldest to newest fashion, so I will leave it at that. BTW…I did 98% or the site myself using WordPress. It took a lot of trial and error, as I am far from a web designer/techie. The bio idea is a good idea. We’re about to launch a new feature and I believe that the bio section is possible.
Because I am an EA survivor. I found this site by accident and it has been a life saver for me. I have read ALOT since discovery (sept 09) and found nothing like this. Linda and Doug you have found your mission. Doug they say a spouse should never continuosly throw the affair in the betrayer face, thank you for leaving your face wide open for all of us it has given me so much more clarity and Linda I am sure old wounds get opened by some of our questions and comments but thank you for sharing, thinking and analyzing out loud with us. You both are there with us at every phase. Simply amazing.
I chose to sleep on this before responding. Apart from this discussion group, I have to maintain a strong face and act like everything is okay all the time. Family, friends, co-workers, our children…very few, I think, would know what happened to us last year. It has been difficult and there are days when I start thinking about it and can’t stop crying or feeling indescribably sad. Her affair killed a part of me that I’m still trying to understand. Our marriage changed. Our lives changed. Never to be the same. I come here to remind myself that I am not alone…that I am not crazy…and that things can get better. I’ve learned so much in recent months about what it means to be human and about a topic I had never dreamed I would personally encounter.
I find strength in this site when I’m feeling down or confused. It has cut through much of the canned rhetoric that our counselor seems to dole out and actually give me positive information that I can use. Insightful. Brutally honest. Sometimes painful, but so helpful. I’m sad that any of us have had to find and use a site like this, but thankful at the same time that we have each other for support and understanding.
A big THANK YOU to Doug and Linda for putting themselves out there and moderate our discussions with real-world experience on the subject. I’ve thought many times how it would kill my wife if people knew what she did much less post and talk about it openly. Prayers and hugs to all…may we each find a way to have another productive day.
Heartbroken, Thanks so much for the kind words. We too must keep a strong presence in front of family and all but a few of Linda’s closest friends. It hasn’t been easy for her as the pain was evident on her face, her body and her emotions. As you are well aware, things have changed for us dramatically as well, but for the better. I hope that is (or will be) the case with you as well.
This site has been so helpful to both my husband and myself. After discovering his affair in 9/09 we have been thru the worst 6 months of our lives. Like Linda I turned into an internet researcher and have read thousands of pages of info about affairs. My husband didn’t end his affair until just over a month ago. He would repeatedly tell me it was over and then end up contacting her again after a day or two, because he was so “in love” and couldn’t control himself. The posts I have read here have helped me to feel not so alone and given me real insight into the affair. I would send some of the posts to my husband if I felt they were appropriate and they would often start deep conversations. On March 9, I sent your “Looking thru rose-colored glasses” post to him. Coincendentally, he had seen her that morning to “end it” once again. After reading your post, he had an awakening and finally realized what he had done to us, our family and himself for someone he was not even sure he knew. We’ve been on the road to recovery for several weeks and are doing really well but I still read your posts. The post the other day about hating “the other woman” also sparked another very emotional apology by him after I gave him a detailed explanation of why I hate her and what they did to me. He had realized he had hurt me deeply but seeing it in such a clear manner really hit him and caused him to really feel the shame and guilt of someone who caused the one’s he loves immense pain.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story and your journey. You are providing a road map for so many on how to recover from an affair, with or without your spouse. There were times throughout this when I seriously doubted we would end up together and though I don’t trust him completely (who knows if I ever will again) I do trust it’s over for now and we are genuinely working on rebuilding our marriage. Thanks again for all your help.
Elaine, Thank you very much for the kind words, and congratulations on your moving towards rebuilding your marriage.
I want to thank everyone for all their kind words, it is difficult for me to comprehend the impact we have made in your lives. Doug and I are just a normal couple going through a really rough time and our vision was to share our story hoping that we could make your journey a little easier. This project has been “our affair”, meaning this has been our secret little project. It has helped us grow and heal beyond my expectations. However, because it is a secret we have not been able to share with our family the immense rewards we have received from this web site. I would love for my children to know how dedicated their father and I were to saving our marriage and how we took a tragic situation and made it into a positive one. I know they would be very proud of us.
I have had thoughts about what and when to tell my children about this. I look to the future and see my lovely daughter finding someone to call her own. And my son, my hopes for him are to exceed the man that I have been.
I picture the day my daughter tells me of something like this and my heart breaks. The only thing I can do is use my experiences to help her be prepared for what we have gone through. Prepare her for choosing a man that is better than I could hope to be. And treat him kindly.
For my son, I know he will be a good man. He is a lot like me. And I will help him in the same way as my daughter. Choose wisely. Treat kindly. And show her how much you love her every day.
I don’t know that I will ever show them all the information I have gathered. All the emails back and forth between my wife and I. But I will show them the values that make a marriage work. Aside from that. As a father I can only hope that if it ever does happen to them. I will be there to help them through it.
Great thoughts Michael! I was just thinking the other day about writing a post on the effects of an affair on children. Absent telling the kids about a spouse’s affair, you are on the right path in teaching them the things you mention. These unfortunately are just more things they don’t teach you in school.
I am fairly new to this site, but I’ve been spending a lot of time reading all of your posts. About two months ago I ended an emotional affair that I had been having with a coworker. From reading Doug’s posts, it seems like I had similar thoughts during the affair and I was having problems within my own marriage that I failed to communicate with to my husband. The affair came to an end when “Todd’s” wife Brittney came across some messages he and I had been sending back and forth online. Unfortunately Todd and Brittney had been really good friends to myself and my husband, and because of my actions and Todd’s actions we have lost their friendship altogether….
The emotional affair didn’t last very long, but Todd and I had let it progress to some physical stuff as well. I had been convinced that Todd was the love of my life and that I was destined to be with him. But, like Doug, I was only experiencing all of his good qualities and we never had to deal with financial issues, dishes, laundry, etc etc.
At this point, I am in the process of repairing my marriage. It has been incredibly difficult…. we’ve had many long talks, we’ve discussed the things that weren’t working in our marriage and we’ve been changing those things, but I’m still working really hard to try to show my husband what an incredible mistake I made and show him I truly am devoted to him. He and I had both been completely withdrawn from each other, and unfortunately I went to someone else. He still lacks trust for me and still doesn’t know for sure if he can be with me. I know that this feeling will probably last for a long time. I am trying to show him that I am here for him and that I am willing to do whatever it takes to work everything out, but sometimes it’s hard to know what to do. I come here to read about things that worked for you and Doug, and sort of compare that to what me and my husband have been doing. It’s just a really long hard road and I just need some help sometimes.
Hannah, thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you are on the right path, regardless of how difficult it might be. If you keep doing the things you have been, the trust should return.
Welcome Hannah.
It is a very good sign that you are here and asking for help. You show great willingness to make your marriage work. A willingness I have yet to see from my wife.
I’m sorry for the loss of a friendship, but on the other hand, how good of a friend would let it come to this. What kind of man would do that to his wife.
Sorry if I sound harsh but I have a problem with a woman being interested in a man who would give up on his current marriage vows to be with them. Do they think that his fourth marriage will be the best one of his life. That, because their “soul mates”, he feels the same way. And that because “she’s the one” he won’t cheat on them.
I don’t want you to feel that I blame you for what was a bad choice. Some people have this ability to manipulate certain types of people. And a woman / man in a bad time of their marriage is easy to manipulate. And then again maybe it was something that you both were needing. In my case I know the OM was playing my wife like a fiddle.
Don’t beat yourself up blaming yourself for what was. Be strong and change what is.
And once again thank you for sharing. I would love to see my wife have the guts you have shown here.
Hannah, just like I need to hear my H apologize for hurting me your H does too. It means a lot. Sometimes I need to tell him “I need for u to tell me your sorry” especially if I am having a down day and he does it sincerely. He forgets sometimes because he never was one to apologize for anything. Remember what’s important it’s not their friendship it’s your husband. You both can always make new friends. Be strong and give him time. You need to make sure you are completly done with the OM and make sure you are an open book to your husband. My H and I deleted our FB accts, no more happy hrs unless we both go, he has to account for his whereabouts, I check his phone (he knows it and I hate doing it) it shouldn’t be a problem if you have nothing to hide. Right?
Thank you for the comments, I’m just not sure where to turn to at this point. My husband wants nothing to do with a counselor, but yet we can’t seem to talk things through without him screaming at me and calling me horrible names, which leads me to becoming defensive. He keeps threatening that he’s going to leave me and says that he’s falling out of love with me. I’m so sad and confused right now. I understand why he’s mad at me- he’s got every right to be mad. But all I want to do is work things out, figure out the things in our marriage that we can change for the better, and become a stronger couple altogether. But he insists that there is something wrong with me “at the core,” that I’m a horrible being, and this is who I am as a person. I am trying to show him that my actions were horrible, but I am not horrible as a person.
I’ve been completely open with him about the infidelity, I’ve shared all of the reasons which led me to it (not feeling loved and appreciated, having an uneven share of housework and childcare duties, low self-esteem, lack of communication in our marriage, to name a few). And he keeps saying that he was feeling a lot of these things, but since he didn’t cheat that makes him a better person than I am. I just don’t know what to do. I’m trying to work through these issues but my husband keeps attacking me, calling me names, etc whenever we try to talk about anything. I tried to explain to him last night that we both needed to be calm and rational in order for us to truly work our marriage out. This just made him more angry.
If anyone has ideas about what else I can do to talk to him without it escalating to agression and hostility please please let me know. I just want more than anything to be with my husband and I apologize to him multiple times daily for what I’ve put him through. I feel like at this point we need to look at ourselves as a couple and address our communication issues, self-esteem issues, and balance among us in regards to housework,etc. He admits that he contributed to our relationship issues but won’t work on those things with me right now, and thinks that I need to somehow fix my “bad core.” I just don’t know what to do because I don’t feel like I have a “bad core” but only that circumstances were not perfect, and in those times I acted innapropriately. Any advice would be appreciated. I don’t want my marriage to end.
Hannah, The anger that he shows is simply an outward expression of the pain that he is feeling. If I recall, you are just recently over your affair, so I imagine he is still trying to get a grip on this whole thing. Still, he needs to channel his anger if he wants to move forward to saving your marriage. Unfortunately, anger management is a learned skill and can take some time to be proficient at. For now, I would say to try to not be ,as this just fuels his fire. Lay down and beg for mercy if you have to, and I think eventually the anger will subside. If he continues to scream at you, perhaps suggest that he take a 15 minute walk or something to cool down, and then resume your discussion later. Also, try not to put all the blame on your husband for your indiscretions.
On the positive side, you guys are communicating and are starting to get to the heart of your past marital problems. You also have the right frame of mind when it comes to how to go about repairing your relationship. You just need to get him totally on board.
Hannah,
Being on the opposite side of what your going though I can feel your husbands pain. And I have come to understand my wifes and your pain a little better each day. You and your husband are like me and my wife but with a lot better outward expression. He needs this time to be angry. To be hurt. To feel sad. To question everything. And to tell you how he feels.
My only advice the next time he expresses himself, either anger of sadness, is to just take his hand and tell him you understand how he feels. Listen to what he says and understand what he says. Tell him you how you feel. And answer his questions honestly. Don’t be scared of him being more angry. Honesty trumps everything. Don’t tell him why he shouldn’t feel the way he does.
Ask him if there is anything you can do at that time to help him with his feelings. If he needs a few minutes, give him time. But come back to him and check on him. If he needs you to hold him, do it. He will see that you want to be there for him.
Try to do what you can to bring the trust and love back. And keep doing what your doing here. Maybe suggest he look at this site. Give him what you put into the affair and more. And he will see it.
If you were texting and calling 40 times a day. And you call or text him twice a day how do you think he feels about your passion for him. Pursue him like he is the one you want. Even if your not there yet. All the other things don’t matter as much as the two of you. Dishes can wait.
Yes Hannah anger is one of the first emotions after shock and disbelief.
Give him his space. I know when I first found out about my H I was in a daze (for a few days) and went to sit outside in the back yard. He had been following me around like a scared puppy for the previous 2 days. I just wanted to be alone. When he couldn’t find me I heard him drive off, he was going to drive the neighborhood looking for me. He was very afraid I would leave (If anyone was going to leave the house it was going to be him not me). Anyway i needed space and time to think. I agree with admin in that at least for now you need not be confrontational. You made some bad decisions but that doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s extremely hard and that is why we are all here. You have a rough road ahead be patient and read read read the references. He may have been whatever kind of H
you perceived him to be but you’re the one that crossed the line. Let him feel what he needs to right now.