Hello everyone! First of all, we’d like to really thank all of you who participated in last week’s discussion. We had a bunch of comments and even more emails on whether or not you would/did confront the other person.
This week the discussion ties in with yesterday’s post somewhat: How much information is too much? That is, if you found out about your spouse’s marital affair, would you want (or need) to know all the details of the affair? If so, do you feel it’s healthy in the long run, or do you think it would end up driving you crazy?
Once again, thanks for all the interaction. We really do see where it has been beneficial for those who participate. Those of you who haven’t joined in yet may want to do so!
Happy Wednesday!
Doug & Linda
15 replies to "Open Discussion: How Much is Too Much?"
Great topic for today…
Because of my latest discovery my trust is back to almost non existent. I have a hard time trusting some of the things she has told me up to this point. And I struggle with this daily.
I know she wants to move on. I know she loves me. I know she want to stay with me. But its the things that are in her head that I wonder about. So I try to sort my thoughts into two categories.
1st. Things I don’t need to know.
Things such as what was said while they flirted. Things they talked about unrelated to us. His problems with his wife. Things that don’t impact our marriage at all. The things that will not impact her feeling again or mine.
2nd. Things I deserve to know.
I deserve to know. How it started. What she was feeling that put her there. Why him. How he still affects her thoughts. How far it went. How she felt during it. Good or bad, if it went too far. When and how did she break off the affair. Is he still trying to contact her. If she is hiding more. How she thinks I should deal with it. To name a few.
If I can put my feeling into the first its something I can put aside and let go of. But the biggest struggle is that I have to pull the information from her. Even if I come across something new.
To have her lie to me is the hardest part to deal with. It makes me feel like there is a whole lot more that I don’t know. She should be able to at this point, tell me the truth. Even if its going to hurt. I will have to watch and wait for her to be ready to let this affair be done. Because she doesn’t know how hard its impacted my life. I still feel in my gut that she is lying to me. And I can’t get past it.
Michael, Great post! I admire the way you look at things and how you can sort them out so effectively. Many of your “deserve to know” questions are the same that Linda has asked (and I have answered) of me.
Just thought about this, and thought it might be a good topic for a post or discussion.
“What your willing to do, or are unwilling to do, to save your marriage?”
I’ve asked myself this question a hundred times. This thought comes because I get so much resistance from my wife still at this point after the affair. What will it take for her to want us enough to talk about it.
Michael, Good topic. How about we do that one next week?
Michael, It has been almost 7 months for me and I have had to let all those thoughts go as best as I can. You are driving yourself crazy and you may drive you’re wife away. Not to him but away from you. She is feeling enough guilt for both of you and if you really want to stay married to her you need to back off. Read what Doug and Linda have written about what was said during the EA, how Doug felt about and discussed with “what’s-her-face” and how Linda and some of the rest of us have dealt with it. Why do you want to know those things? This is not just about you it is about her too. How can she want to make the marriage work if she feels like you will never be satisfied with what she tells you. I think she knows how hard it has impacted your life and you are making it harder on her to want to have open and honest communication with you when all you want are “the details”. “I know she wants to move on”. “I know she loves me”. “I know she want to stay with me”. Listen to those things. “But its the things that are in her head that I wonder about”. Why does this matter? They say in many cases it is harder for a man to forgive a women who has indescretions than it is for a woman to forgive a man. I feel for you I know what you are going through but you need to start focusing on your marriage not the affair.
You don’t know how hard it is for me to get over one lie after another. I have a best friend who has been in counseling now for about a year after cheating on his wife a second and third time. If she doesn’t want to fix what got us here in the first place how can I move on. He didn’t.
Do you think I deserve to know that the day after our anniversary she drove to see him. Some 3 1/2 hours away. Spent hours with him. And then lied when asked about it last week. Is that what I deserve. I guess I don’t. I should be happy hoping she will never do it again.
For me…I had to know as much as possible..it was the not knowing that was driving me crazy..The thoughts and images I came up with on my own were always worse then the truth..not that I was sure he was even telling me the truth anymore…but it has helped me heal…
Robin, That makes a lot of sense. Sometimes the unknown is worse than the truth. I’m glad it worked for you.
I am in the same place as Robin and Michael. I need to know the details. My H has not always been forth coming with the information and some of it was because it was as painful for him say it as it was for me to hear it. I kept getting that he couldn’t remember and then weeks later during another conversation he suddenly remembered. So now I want all the cards on the table and I want the details because like Robin said the thoughts and images are worse than the truth. My H says all the same things as Michael’s CS and we are moving forward. My H is very transparent so I know it is over for him, however he still works with the OW. Everyday when he leaves the house I get a pit in stomach and doesn’t go away until he is home. He calls me 2 – 3 times during the day to check in and emails as well. I just can’t not get over the lies and withholding info and then weeks and months later a little dribbles out, over and over. I don’t know maybe if my H had told me everything up front and had not withheld and lied about details then things would be different.
You deserve to have peace in your heart and to be happy. You have to be the one who can make that happen with or without her. My husband made a a huge mistake and changed our marriage foreever but be is doing everything right to make it work. He knows that trust is still being rebuilt and he does nothing to make me even wonder where he’s at. I would think if ur wife really wants to stay she would be doing the same. Like all of the information we have read here, go focus on yourself. Do something for you. Don’t be so predictable. Start doing things without her and and try to build up your self esteem. Be ready for the future and plan for it-be it with or without her. You deserve to be treated with respect and if you yourself feel you deserve less then less is what your going to get in whatever relationship your
in. Personally and professionally.
Michael (and anyone else!), does the following resonate with you?
As we havent been to my sons house for 3 months because daughter in law is ‘uncomfortable’ that we know she has had an ‘affair’, I now communicate with him mostly through email
As we are all completely anonymous on here, I feel I can share the following email he sent me when I asked him how his wife was and was there any possiblity of us visiting them.
QUOTE
‘ I think she is depressed so I don’t know how things are going to improve, if ever.
I have talked to her and she says we don’t get the best out of each other and she doesn’t feel we have a laugh together. She wants to do ‘fun things’ and not ‘waste her life.’ I told her that I have been working 14 hours a day for the last 6 months and feel exhausted by the weekends. But I HAVE arranged days out at the weekend, several times , but then she’s backed out saying she doesn’t feel well. There is always an excuse. I think everything is magnified because she doesn’t have any friends. I feel sorry for her in that respect because she is beautiful and other women get very jealous and bitchy in her company. She says she envies me because I have several close friends but that’s how it is, they have been life-long friends. She never stays home by herself (as you know!). Don’t worry about that mum, I don’t complain and I am trying to make an effort but I dont want get stressed over this. I have reminded her that this is Real Life and if she feels she is wasting hers, then she has a choice. Don’t worry mum, we’ll see what happens on holiday.’
UNQUOTE
Ok, that was straight from my son. I feel for him. Comments welcome
Carla, It sounds to me that his wife is going through a depressed, grieving state of mind caused perhaps by the sudden ending of her affair. Your son needs to be understanding of that and be empathetic, but at the same time he needs to try and figure out a way to get that spark back –the “laugh” together that she needs.
Admin, just realised that I had included NAMES in the email I reproduced from my son! Is it at all possible to delete them, or maybe the whole post?
I can repost excluding the names.
Thanks
Carla, I took out the names that I saw. If I missed anything, please let me know. Thanks
I have been wrestling with what keeps her going back – what he does that I don’t. I mean besides have a job and pay the bills yes I know. I’m leading that boring responsible life taking care of the domestic life and he doesn’t have a vehicle or a license. It kills me that I’m the only one trying. I havent seen her since Wednesday so I cut off her phone so I wouldn’t send email or text begging her back or vile obsenities as to how I feel. I hope it helps, but its killing me. She left after arguing saying there was no more sex and I said its more than that its calling him every day and sure enough argue and where does she go? Sex? Its not the only point. I don’t know how much I can take. I want her back and I know she still loves me but I can’t share her.