Happy Cinco de Mayo!
This week our discussion is centered around healing.
Here are some questions to consider:
What have you done, or doing to help you with healing from your infidelity journey? What makes you feel better? Have you taken up any hobbies? Are you exercising? Any daily rituals? How do you get your mind off of things?
Please let us know your thoughts, and give others some ideas!
Thanks again!
Doug & Linda
17 replies to "Open Discussion: Healing From Infidelity"
H and are exercising together, walking mostly. Getting the yard ready for summer keeps us busy. We lay in each others arms everynight to keep the closeness going. It is so relaxing and somtimes if I have something on my mind that’s when he reassures me. Every day is better. I feel his love and affection for me again. Somedays I wonder if she tries to contact him or he her just to see how eachother is doing then I tell myself, “he knows if I find out (and I will find out) that he will have Hell to pay and it could mean the end for us”. So I have to trust that he is doing the right thing for himself.
Last2Know, Do you change anything when you have a trigger day–like today?
Last2 know,I walk every night myself. Allbeit, by myself, but it really helps to clear my head. Exercise is a wonderful thing for the mind and body!
I have a private blog I blog in every day. I do a lot of reading, and a lot of self reflecting.
I have far less bad emotional days, matter of fact I think that the first tear in over a week rolled down my cheek last night.
I also posted to http://www.sothere.com and it was published today.
Right now, since this is open forum….I would like some advice….Current situation is that trouble is constantly brewing on his side, but that spills over onto me because I am his rock. I cannot seem to not be his rock.
Now it is spilling onto my children. Our boy plays baseball, OW boy plays baseball as well, that is how they met. Our boys were good friends last season. Time for registration comes and the OW’s DH wants to put their boy in a different league. I do understand my DH’s (here since I can no longer really say “dear” the d will now stand for “dumb” lol. So its “dumb husband” not “dear husband” ) position of not letting our problems spill over onto the boys, but forcing them to play in the same league when they both know what is going on is not right either.
So the OW went behind her dh’s back and registered her boy for the same league.
Now All Star tryouts come, both boys are chosen to try out. My boy is usually a shoe-in for these things. Apparently OW’s DH pulls the all star coach aside and says something about my DH (not sure what yet) but in the end, my boy doesn’t make it and hers does (and hers IS NOT a better player).
So my question is, everything inside of me wants to now rip apart both the OW and her DH. Do I approach either of them? I mean, I was adamant that the boys should not play in the same league. No one listened and told me that I should not let my problems interfere, well I have not, all the drama has come from the other side but I am being punished for it!!! Or my son is. I have to draw the line when my son is hurt.
Do I say anything? What do I tell my boy? I mean, already done the “I told you so” stuff with the DH. Not much more to say there.
Starting Over, I understand your frustrations, and it’s a shame that your son has been affected by this, but I would take the high road and not approach either of them. Don’t let them sap your power from you.
We are also spending all our time together. Today was a trigger day for me, H is retired and I am still working. Last year he would say I am going golfing today and off he went to spend the day and night with ow. So when I hear I am going golfing like this morning I started to panic but I kept telling myself I cant babysit him everyday so what choice do I have but to trust him. I found out before and I will find out again if he is lying to me. But my instinct right now tell me its ok. I feel the more time we send together the closer we get. My H also knows that if there is one more contact with her its over. I find the best thing for me to get my mind off this is to walk and walk and walk LOL. Sometimes I tell myself he is here with me not with her and he could of left me but he didnt. The biggest thing I have change with me is trying to let go of the past and not be so afraid of being alone.
Last2know… I have many triggers during the day, and I get mad and upset for a few minutes, and then try to occupy my time, I mostly turn on the radio, this helps me for whatever reason. I hate that I have to occupy my time so much, sometimes I just want to remember what it was like when I could sit alone with myself and think about anything else besides my H’s EA. Being alone with my thoughts is now a burden, but I used to enjoy it so much before the EA.
Admin, today I just think about a friend who lost his son to suicide in December and think how lucky I am to have my Son. I can handle everything else. Because ultimately it is what it is or it is what is was? So no “Pity Party” for me this month.
Thank you for asking this question (and for writing the blog!). I struggle with the question of how to heal everyday. We are 6 months out from D day, and I still swing constantly between anger, sadness, and fear. Our therapist asked me how I self soothe–the answer is that I sleep, eat, read, walk with a friend, and take baths. All of these help, but they don’t help enough. My husband has done most of the “right” things to repair our relationship, but still the pain doesn’t seem to go away. I often wonder if it ever will. My mind is stuck on what happened.
RP, welcome and thanks for commenting. At times Linda feels the same way you do at times. It takes time, and even she wonders if she will ever totally get over it.
Music helps me a lot. The catch is, if I hear a sad song or one of “our songs” it comes very near to my whole day being ruined. I don’t listen to the radio a lot. I have a playlist of upbeat fun songs that I usually stick to. I heard some muzak this morning at the mall and it took me back to a time in high school when a bf had dumped me and I felt so alone and worthless. Until this morning I hadn’t associated the two situations, but I feel that same way now. Luckily, I did some US Census work today and kept busy. I read this blog a lot. I feel like all of you are my friends. I don’t have a close friend to talk to about this because the man I was in an EA with was also having affairs with 2 of my friends. I told those friends I would end it with him and I didn’t until much later. So, I can’t talk to them.
My H and I spend little bits of time together. He is trying to fill up his spare time with the kids I think.
I have been writing a lot about my feelings. Things I’ve reflected on, things from this blog. I recognize how much my thought processes have matured in the past year since things went bad for us and even more so in the 3 weeks since his EA was confirmed.
We are going out of town this weekend to visit his parents. The city we just moved from, also where the OW lives. I try not to think about him seeing her. About how I would react. I’m concentrating on seeing his family whom I love and making sure they know how much I love them. Even though I’m not sure how much they know about our situation.
I guess, in a nutshell I just try not to think about now. I think about the past a lot. It makes me feel better to go through old letters and cards and read what he wrote to me, how he felt about me before all this mess. I keep one of the cards on my bedside table. The front reads, “To: My Baby”. You’d think it would make me sad, but right now I feel like I need to remind myself that he DID love me. That I AM worth loving. That, at one time, things WERE right in my world. And so, I keep trudging on.
Jennifer, if I read your post correctly, you had an EA and your husband had an EA?
Broken, yes that’s right. Mine was with a man I met online. His was a girl he worked with. What a mess it has been…
I had a rough night last night…not sure why. My wife and I were just talking and my mind started drifting toward the ugly details of her affair. Next month marks the one year point of d-day…I know that should not matter, but I want that date behind me.
I’ve managed, somehow, to keep myself together most of the time by focusing on work and our kids…although admittedly productivity at work is not what it used to be. Waking up is always the worst moment for me when all the memories from the last year come rushing back into my head. I still wake up sometimes in the middle of the night crying. The reality that this now is my life and that I must make the best of it is depressing.
Getting out of bed was very difficult today and I’ve been trying to find something to smile about. Someone commented earlier on music and I agree that helps until certain songs are played. I’m at work today and having trouble concentrating. Why me? Why this? …Pull yourself together man…
Clearly some days are better than others and I guess I’m going back through a down period. The last week or so had actually been quite good. Reading other posts here certainly helps and makes me feel less alone. I wish none of us had to feel this pain. I wish it could all be gone. Many days I feel like zombie going through the motions of life. I seem to question even the most mundane things now with doubt. I can only hope that she will continue rebuilding trust with me and time will finally bring us back to a good place again.
To Heart broken,
Perhaps in order to wake up more positive you need to go to sleep with something positive on your mind, maybe waking up the a family photo to reinforce you have had some really great times would be a good idea. It takes time to accept how things are or have been and you can move to a more positive place, however you need to be active and instrumental in that. The subconscious is a powerful part of your mind. It will take you somewhere positive if you allow it, relaxation CD’s before sleep may help that will guide you to somewhere positive in your sleep thus affecting and changing this pattern of negative wake up moments. Just a thought.
I have lived through my ex having multiple affairs when we were married, and I accepted this as part of him, his immaturity and his age. It was a man thing to do.
Then he helped me leave him by telling me he had recently had an affair with my sister. This was over ten years ago. I left him and I never regretted for one moment that act of walking out. He did something to me that day that I found so hard to recover from, and all the relationships I have had since somehow ……. there has not been that innocent, and completely naive level of trust. However I have realised within our relationship there was fault on my side too. It was difficult to accept that I have to live with the consequences of my actions.
There are triggers for me any time my sister contacts me, any time anyone talks about her and my family is large and this is unavoidable, but I cope with this by always thinking this is not personal, it is not about me it is about human behaviour. We, none of us is perfect. I am as imperfect as any one else. We all make mistakes, but never do we have to sacrifice our individual standards as I did. We do not need to excuse or forgive behaviour that has hurt us. WE do however need to accept is for what it is. I have done that and I know he has had to accept that behaviour that I unwittingly inflicted on him.
Always know that things are as they are for a reason, there are lessons to be learnt. Learn those lessons and move on with a light and energetic heart, but also accept those days when that is not so… I have a friend who always replies ‘I am as I am today” when he is asked how he is. To ask your self how you feel is to reinforce that sadness so accept that things are as they are and look to making today better for someone else. Do not worry or recriminate anyone especially yourself for the past. It is gone, today is now, now is what matters and tomorrow never comes. There is power in today only.
When I discovered my H had an affair he didn’t end it. He told me he wouldn’t and that he wasn’t sure what he was going to do. Then a couple weeks later he told me he had ended it but I found out he hadn’t. I pressured him to end it and he chose to move out. He was making absolutely NO effort to work on the marriage. I was of course devastated and ripped to shreds. I immediately went on anti-anxiety medication and started seeing a christian counselor. I ended up standing for my marriage. I found a website rejoiceministries.org and left my marriage and my husband in God’s hands. I knew my husband was going to wake up and come out of his affair fog but I wasn’t going to be the one to beg him to do it, I let God convict him. 10 weeks later he surprised me (and the OP I’m sure) and started making his way back home. since that time I’ve had to heal primarily alone. My husband doesn’t ask me “how are you doing? how are you handling things?” He never asks, that boggles my mind. I know this has been a process for him too. In the beginning when he first returned home he sat around the house like a deer in headlights. He said he was processing why and how he did what he did including the horrific things to me. I could see the guilt and shame eating him alive. Even still he has done really nothing to help me heal. He doesn’t say some of the things I wish he’d say and who knows maybe he never will. I feel very insecure at times and I don’t think he gets that. I don’t think it’s ever even OCCURRED to him to think that I might be insecure and in need of some reassurance on a reg basis. What’s helped me make it this far is truly my faith in the Lord.
Hi everyone
I feel for every single one of you and the pain & shock you’ve been through, I know how you feel, I’ve been there.
Two, nearly three years ago I found out.
To answer the questions:
What have you done, or doing to help you with healing from your infidelity journey? What makes you feel better? Have you taken up any hobbies? Are you exercising? Any daily rituals? How do you get your mind off of things?
The first thing I did after the shock was to want to fix things. Luckily for us (aside from the fact the affair did NOT stop straight away, usually never does, the momentum of it has to stop if it is going to) my partner decided to work on the rship. We went to an Imago Counsellor which was the best thing I ever did, aside from the crap that almost brought us to where we were with my partner having an affair, it helped both of us become more whole people anyways, gave us tools, helped us understand why we were where we were!
The counsellor advised an American couple who were working with Affairs were coming to Australia so we headed to their three day workshop. Amazing and incredible and fantastic to be with other couples who were going through the mire of pain and distress.
Kept seeing the counsellor for nearly a year and then we finished which I think we were both sad about, we had gone through so much and came out shiny and new.
What worked? Our desire to be in the relationship. We’d been together for 10 years so it wasn’t a small thing. The affair/lies lasted another 3 months, more trauma and chaos which is all normal if there’s anything normal about it.
I think that’s the one thing that needs to be pointed out. The affair is addictive and they usually don’t want to give it up. I just knew it wasn’t finished. There is nothing you can DO to stop it, if your partner wants the rship they have to earn your trust and that takes time.
The Imago counselling tools to help communicate are invaluable. I don’t know how anyone could get through an affair without all these tools and help (ie doing it alone, without counselling or any help). Too much pain and reaction to deal with, I can only tell you my reaction from the heartache was intense and even scared me!!!
But ultimately now nearly 3 years away from finding out we are so much different people, better, stronger, more honest, open, adult, caring, loving and the relationship has moved into a different place.
I am in some strange way glad that the affair happened, it opened the wounds we had inheritently from the past and washed them clean. I don’t want to ever go through that again but can see from a distance the healing that has come from that.