Melt Your Man’s Heart – A Review

Melt Your Man's Heart

Melt Your Man's Heart contains a ton of information that most of us wives can relate to.

Last week we were asked by the good folks at Marriage Sherpa to review a new e-book called “Melt Your Man’s Heartby Randall E. Bennett, MA, LMFT, LCPC.

Normally I shy away from books that have titles like this because my experience has been that often they contain manipulative tricks or ideas that I don’t agree with or that may only work in the short term.  However, due to my curiosity and since I have extra time during the summer, I decided to go ahead and read the book.

To be honest, I was pleasantly surprised how informative this e-book is.  It actually is quite a comprehensive book that contains many of the ideas that I have been reading about lately in several other books. Better yet, not only do I agree with the author’s concepts and recommendations, I managed to learn some things from the book as well.

The main concept presented is how our behavior or “dances” that we perform in our marriages create distance and therefore make it almost impossible for our husbands to love us the way we believe they should. The premise as presented has been developed by Mr. Bennett from his 25 years of professional clinical/counseling experience and from his counseling of thousands of women.

The author begins the book with a familiar story of a wife who tries to do everything to get her husband to love and pay attention to her.  She provides the perfect home, takes care of him, does everything to please him but she cannot get him to love her the way she desires.  She truly feels she is doing everything in her power to get her husband’s feelings toward her to change. Perhaps you can relate!  Little does she know that she is caught up in a spiral of self-sabotage.

Mr. Bennett discusses how we often self-sabotage our marriages by engaging in behavior that attempts to get our husbands to treat us better.  It ends up being self-defeating behavior, because we remain stuck in place, not progressing—and certainly not obtaining the positive reaction we want from our husbands.

Bennett says that based on his experiences there are 7 characteristics of a self-sabotage spiral.  These mindsets, beliefs and behaviors keep women from getting what they want:

  • If I keep doing/saying this…maybe this time he will notice/hear me.
  • Sugar and spice and everything nice.
  • All my requests make me look like a nag.
  • Don’t rock the boat.
  • He doesn’t think like me…but he should.
  • My husband will never change the way he treats me.
  • He is never going to open up to me.

He goes on to explain each characteristic in detail and later in the book provides methods to change these bad habits and trade unsuccessful patterns for good ones.

“Melt Your Man’s Heart” also gets into the four different types of communication styles and how these styles actually hinder more loving behavior rather than enhance it. I really liked this section as it hit home in many ways.

The four communication styles listed are passive, passive aggressive, aggressive and assertive.  The author believes the first three styles sabotage good relationships, while the last – being assertive – enhances relationships.

I really related to the passive communication styles.  These are the “go along to get along” type of behavior patterns, where the woman is afraid of doing anything to upset her husband for fear of angering him or receiving  belittling responses in return. She may act shy or wants to avoid any type of conflict.

A passive communicator behaves in a way that is meek, hoping to mostly skate by unnoticed. She may very well have deep desires and goals she would like to achieve, but she fears going after them.

She is afraid of making changes for fear of losing what has become a comfortable position: she may not be getting what she wants, but she at least knows what to expect.

Common feelings of a passive communicator are:

  • being a victim to her husband’s wants or needs
  • resentment and anger
  • hurt feelings because he does not see her needs
  • anxiety over not speaking up

Typically, when a husband is confronted with a passive woman, he tends to walk all over her.  He may also harbor some sense of guilt that his wife is not comfortable enough with him to be herself.  He feels there are two sides to his wife: the one standing there before him—quiet, meek and humble, and then a hidden one—who has wants and desires that she refuses to voice.  This only frustrates him more because he senses this hidden aspect is there and he secretly wants to hear her opinion.  Though he may not want to, he may also feel a sense of disrespect towards her because she will not stand up for herself.

He will likely disregard her wants and needs, because she is not communicating what they are and he does not know or understand how to get her to express them. He will mirror back to her the message that she is giving out: You do not value yourself, so why should I?

The husband may also fear that no matter what he does, it will never be enough for her. Maybe he has tried to reach out and get through to her so she will feel comfortable about expressing her needs, but she is still unhappy and will not break free from this behavior.  The result is that he no longer feels like putting the energy into the relationship.

On the other hand, there are also the assertive communication patterns…

An assertive communicator has a healthy sense of self.  She is able to tell her husband what she wants—but never feels a need to hit him over the head with a rock in order to express herself or to tiptoe around a topic. She has developed a core plasticity: it is strong and yet can be remolded as needed to fit the needs of the relationship without compromising herself or her own strength. She is honest about her wants and needs, respectful in communicating them, and takes a proactive stance in communicating.

The assertive wife looks at her husband as being her friend and equal, and she expects him to respect and value her opinion. She is aware of her feelings and can communicate them adequately to her husband so there is no confusion about what she wants from him.

I’ve only highlighted a small portion of “Melt Your Man’s Heart.”  The 136-page e-book has four sections:

1. Why some women succeed when other’s fail
2. Healthy vs. unhealthy relationships
3. The biggest sex organ: intimacy starts in the brain
4. The new woman: drive your man wild with the new you

The e-book also includes “Your Life Script” – a special companion guide designed to help you personalize the program just for your marriage. It encourages you to initiate and write down changes which can help to accelerate your success.

All in all, I feel this book contains a ton of information that most of us wives can relate to.  Mr. Bennet gives clear ideas in an easy to read fashion on how to accomplish the relationship that we desire. A relationship with more passion, intimacy, connection, respect, love and enjoyment.

You can click the following link if you wish to read more information on “Melt Your Man’s Heart.” 

 

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17 Responses to Melt Your Man’s Heart – A Review

  1. Anita June 18, 2012 at 8:05 pm #

    Interesting, however I believe I am more comfortable being
    myself, treating others as I would want to be treated.
    If I couldn’t act or be myself within a marriage and I had to
    change who I was as a person in order to keep a man from cheating, that’s a hugh problem. Infidelity should never happen within the marriage. I believe we should
    respect and treat others as we want to be treated, and
    if that person walks all over you, that’s a problem within
    that person, and if they cheat on top of that, that’s a major
    issue that’s within that person.
    I am comfortable following the Golden Rule, and if someone is disrespectful, that’s their problem, and
    I forgive them.
    I do not like being controled, nor do I like controling others.

  2. Anita June 18, 2012 at 9:29 pm #

    In 1 Corinthians Chapter 7 1-5 it tells us about the principles of marriage. Verse 3 hits on the point of affection.
    Verse 3, Let the husband render to his wife the affection due to her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

    So a husband/ wife should be giving each other affection,
    which means if a spouse is cheating they are not keeping
    the vows within the marriage. This is so wrong, and that
    person is giving their affection to another woman/man, instead of their spouse. Even if there are troubles within
    the marriage, no where does it say that spouse can find
    affection or give affection through someone else.
    Unfortunately affairs happen, and its sad.
    So the title of this book is onesided, and it should be the
    couple giving each other affection, not how to melt your
    man’s heart, it goes both ways.
    I got a kick out the line that stated how we should reply,
    when whats for supper is brought up, the woman should
    make that choice, so her poor husband doesn’t have to, so
    she could be assertive., therefore he would find her more
    attractive. To each their own, but it made me laugh.

  3. Recovering June 19, 2012 at 9:30 am #

    I know that men and women communicate their needs differently, and need different things from one another, so I do agree with “treat others how you would want to be treated” to an extent. I was the passive one as well. Thought since he brought home all of the money that I had to do the housework and take care of the kids and couldn’t say anything when he wanted something…. All my wants were on the back burner. I don’t think he ever wanted it this way, or even really noticed that it WAS this way, so my resentment built…

    As for what one should say to the other… that was SOOOOOOO easy in the beginning… when we put each other first in our lives. Then life got in the way… of all of the books that I have read – and as a researcher personality, I have ready MANY, the absolute best ones have really been by people who tell you to get over yourselves and start ACTING like you love each other again, even if you aren’t feeling it yet. Actions can lead to the return of feelings… Mort Fertel and Dr. Phil are the highest on my list for these. They don’t give scripts, just tell you that that person you fell in love with IS STILL THERE, but your brain has gotten in the way!! It is soooo true! We all get hung up on our own feelings of being hurt or offended… is why affairs happen, and is such a waste! I love my husband. I put him first. If it is the ONLY thing that I have learned from the affair, it is the BEST thing that I have learned. Life isn’t worth living if we aren’t doing good at home… we fell in love for a reason, and deep down we are the same people. They say people don’t change… cirucumstances led things down a sad slope… We are actively climbing back up that hill and are building a stronger foundation.

    I agree with Anita… It goes both ways, and marriages, like affairs, take two…. Put each other first before everything else, and you can do and survive anything!!!

  4. Jamie June 19, 2012 at 10:33 am #

    From your review, with all due respect, it sounds like this book is telling women that it’s “my fault” that I’m not getting the attention and affection in my marriage that I want.

    That’s Not at all how it happened in my marriage. My H acted exactly like himself. Our sex life was good. Our communication was good; right up until the point that I opened his cell phone and found out what the hell was going on.

    I am an extremely confident woman. I have been shattered by this affair. I am hurt and that has definitely changed the way we communicate and has in turn, made some sort of “dance” in our marriage.

    I appreciate the review; but I think this book is probably a waste of time for most women, unless she wants to keep blaming herself for her husbands CHOICES…and one of those choices; was to have cake and a cookie on the side.

    I may not have communicated with my H very well, but he was the one that was pushing me away.

    It does take two. I was a very assertive woman. Now I find myself saying things like…”fine. Whatever. I don’t really care”. And I’m about to that point in my emotional life with my husband as well.

    I did NOT put us in this position.

    I appreciate your review, Linda. I won’t be reading this book.

  5. Jamie June 19, 2012 at 10:39 am #

    I don’t particularly like the content of this book, as reviewed.

    I guess it’s kinda like having a heart attack…when your 80 lbs overweight and the Doc says…”Wow…you shouldn’t have eaten cheeseburgers for the last month.” When the truth is you should have taken better care of yourself from the start of your weight gain to avoid a heart attack.

    I’m not sabotaging my marriage by my behavior…and I’m sure I’m passive and passive-aggressive at times; so is my husband. So is your husband. So are all of our CSs.

    I see this information as a way to blame and continue to blame the BS for the CS’s choices in the natural communication and evolution of how couples act and react to each other.

    Just my opinion; but this book is worthless; based on the review information you gave. I don’t need another piece of literature telling me that I “shouldn’t have eaten cheeseburgers last month”.

  6. rollercoasterrider June 19, 2012 at 12:18 pm #

    I wondered if others would express some of what I felt yesterday, both in reading the title and in reading what Linda wrote. I agree with everything expressed above, but I have to say that despite my negative feelings toward ‘how it seems,’ I actually bought the eBook and believe it has some important things to say to me personally. Not because I want to have a magic formula for creating what I crave: a secure and happy marriage. I bought it because I know there are things I’m still learning about communication that I missed, first as a child in a home where the only meaningful communication between my parents I ever viewed was angry, hostile, scary. My husband’s family of origin was even more dysfunctional than mine.

    I know that a betrayed spouse often wonders, even when angry, what could have been done differently to have avoided the pain and the nightmare. As Anita (and many others) say, the choice to cheat is just plain unacceptable. For me, however, despite my strong faith, it is not enough to design labels and try to keep things in organized boxes because there are so many factors, so many variables in this complicated world of human behavior. I’m not saying that we should have variable ethics or morality, only that maybe there is really more than one way to view what happens in our lives, and maybe also more than one way to choose to respond.

    For my H and for me, the article about Narcissism was so thought-provoking that I would like to cut and paste it for everyone to read. Since it’s available in the Higher Healing Content, though, I will simply pose it as a possibility for Doug and Linda to consider, or maybe as a topic for a future blog. This is the first time I’ve shown my H something that has resonated so deeply with him that he called it ‘unnerving.’ For him, that is saying a lot.

    • Recovering June 19, 2012 at 2:37 pm #

      I agree that from what Linda says that there can be some good in this ebook… but I am not about to “drive him wild with the new you”… I am always going to be the old me, no matter what! He is the one who did what he did, lack of morality and common decency and all. Not me! I kept my vows! He is the one who didn’t communicate…. that isn’t to say that I made it so easy for him to communicate WITH me, but I didn’t realize it had become so hard, or maybe I did, but NO MATTER WHAT, there is NEVER a good reason to cheat, and it isn’t my job to KEEP HIM FROM CHEATING! My job is to be the best partner I can to him, putting US before everything else, while maintaining myself as a person. If he cheats again, then he cheats again and I will be outta there. It is ALWAYS the cheaters choice to cheat… Hell, THEY could’ve done what we are doing now… research a way to make things better BEFORE it all went to hell instead of whining “why me” or “maybe this OW can make it all better”… always looking outside when they should be looking in like we are. I guess I am sick of being burdened with books and such about how to “Prevent Him from Cheating” or “Keeping your Man Happy”… No matter how many books you read, cheaters will cheat given the opportunity, and society is all about easy opportunity and low morality these days….. Where are the the books that scream “CHEATING IS EVIL AND YOU SHOULD GO TO JAIL FOR IT!” because clearly burning in hell for it isn’t enough to keep this predominantly Christian society from doing it….. Am tempted to start a movement!! LOL!

      • Anita June 19, 2012 at 9:25 pm #

        Recovering,
        I know your hurting I have been there myself, and I understand your pain and anger.
        As Christian myself, I had to forgive my exhusband
        and his affair partner/s.
        When a Christian commits adultery, and asks God to forgive him/her, and they repent (stop). God forgives
        them, when we accepted Jesus as Our Savior, he took
        away the sins of the world for those who believe in him,
        In our Baptism, we were born again into the Kingdom
        of God. So when we sin and ask for forgiveness it is
        given on to us, and when we die we go home to Heaven.
        John 3 vs16, is a wonderful verse, that brings me much
        comfort.
        Its sad the affairs happen and it is so painful for the
        betrayed spouse, however by forgiving them, it brings
        more healing with time. Prayer brought me comfort
        during my painful time and I cried to God with all my
        pains and sorrows, I am healed today because I surrendered it and gave it to God.
        I hope you will find comfort soon.

        • Anita June 19, 2012 at 10:05 pm #

          Recovering,
          As a Christian we also wait for the Second Coming of Jesus, we do not know the date, time, or the hour, only
          the signs. Mathew chapter 24. It maybe in my lifetime or
          it may not be, but I am prepared and ready for when this
          happens. This is what life is about, and its exciting.

  7. Jamie June 19, 2012 at 3:16 pm #

    I recently read a book called “Good Husband, Great Marriage”.

    It was very very validating from a BS’s point of view…hell, even from a struggling marriage point of view; even BEFORE an affair; and certainly for months and months after an affair.

    It absolutely helped me realize that I’m NOT a reason for any kind of affair or straying or messing around, with regards to my husband’s choices not to communicate with me…FOR whatever reason he felt he couldn’t or that he didn’t. THAT’s the bottom line..HE didn’t communicate…the point is…HE…HIM…HE didn’t. Not me.

    This book is filled with ways to help your wayward spouse (if he wants to be a real man, a good husband to you and a father) get his own emotional excuses in order and throw out his old “habits, behaviors and stop being suck a prick”.

    Wayward female spouses could probably benefit from this book as well. It’s written by a marriage therapist who’s been dealing with couples and has related Many Many marital issues with the men’s behavior in marriages..and their issues in marriage for 30 years. And it’s written in first person…by a man, directly to a man. There are also many pages and an entire forward written just for women; the spouse dealing with bad behaviors that ultimately are/were created by her partner’s lack of communication and asking for what he wants and needs.

    Sabotaging a relationship can be related to CS’s behavior too…long BEFORE an affair occurs. For example…uhmmm…pushing your wife away by not asking for what you want and need??? Hmmmmm??? very interesting, isn’t it?

    Women are happy when their husbands are good men. Women will automatically give the kind of love and support that men desire. It is NOT at all hard for women to acknowledge, appreciate, adore and LOVE a man in her life when he invests in her too! In fact, it’s elementary. Why doesn’t anyone every express this? If my husband invests in me…I adore and appreciate him…I trust him…I am able to let things go…I am able to feel safe and be my whole self in his life and our life together.

    I suggest this book, if one really wants to get to the root of the root and bud of the bud of selfish CSs (husbands) and actually improve the way you are treated in your marriage. Sometimes…MOST times…it isn’t the BS who needs to change much…(granted it takes two to be in a relationship…the problem happens when ONE is off doing his own thing..and here’s a book that will absolutely change your perspective on how to undo…that kind of behavior. Plus, it’s not up to us…gals. If your husband wants to change and be a good guy, instead of a selfish jerk…I totally suggest this book. It’s not an easy thing to read…if your CS is in a place where he’s denying, lying, fogged..etc…but it is a TOTAL wakeup call saying…”be a man..and stop being a child”.

    (Obviously all of this could be said for cheating women too; but that was not my experience. I did not search out books for “grow up and be a woman”, as a topic. Although..there are probably some out there).

    It’s about being a GOOD HUSBAND….How to be a good husband…and how to act like a grown up.

    I also suggest a reread of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”. That helped me a lot in this past month.
    And it may be a little off subject…but I found great understanding in “Baby Proofing Your Marriage”.

    I do appreciate the review, Linda. I just think that having the right kind of literature at the right time is a very very big help. I don’t think many BSs want or need to read about how they contributed to their CSs “affair” because they “sabotaged” their own relationships with totally normal and natural reactive behavior to an affair, before and affair started. It’s not helpful to hear about cheeseburgers before a heartattack..as I stated previously. It’s just blaming at that point..to minimize hurt feelings (on BS side) and guilt/responsibility (on CSs side).

    I agree with the above comment…”It’s NOT my job to keep my husband from cheating, it’s my job to be the best partner I can to him (and him TO YOU!!!)”

    If your CS wasn’t talking to you…like most of ours didn’t or “couldn’t” (what a crock of shit); then how in the hell were any of us to know that anything was remotely as wrong as it appeared to be after the discovery of an affair??? Seriously?

    Affairs are about selfishness. Affairs are about communication breakdowns. And from my personal experience…my CS’s affair was directly a result of his behavior of BOTH of the aforementioned things…ON HIS PART. Not mine.

    • Broken2 June 20, 2012 at 9:53 am #

      Good Husband, Great Marriage THE BEST book I have read on marriage. I sat down and read this book to my husband (he is the cheater) and it really helped him to see and inderstand his behavior. Awesome book.

  8. Jamie June 19, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

    I didn’t act any differently toward him. I had not treated my husband any differently…I adored him, I appreciated him (and I showed it regularly), I acknowledged him…and I trusted him completely. Our sex life was not just good…but awesome; and he had an affair anyway. So???

    All I’m saying..is it’s not my fault that he wasnt’ getting the amounts of attention and affection etc that he needed or wanted (and if he needed more..it was his responsibility to SAY SO)…NONE of this was communicated to me. He simply went into his cave…acted like a selfish prick, did what he wanted anyway, acted like nothing was wrong or bothering him..refused to connect on an emotional/intimate level with me about his needs and desires…
    so what the hell was I supposed to think? I was TOTALLY blindsided and had a 7 week old newborn when I found out about it all.

    It’s not the BS’s responsibility to “make him feel better”. It’s his responsibility to accept consequences..deal with it like a champion, prove his devotion to his BS and family and stop his crap behavior; in all ways that are offensive and related to infidelity.

    I’m sorry, but I cannot at all see how being 2 weeks from delivering our child was SOOOO stressful on him…Particularly…SINCE he did NOT communicate his needs, wants or desires with me. Nor did he communicate his fears, worries or stresses with me. He shut down..
    And that’s NOT an BS’s fault, no matter what the circumstance. (I do realize all of our circumstances are different).

  9. Gizfield June 19, 2012 at 4:14 pm #

    Truthfully, I am not interested in being “irresistible” , “adored”, worshiped or any of the other stuff I am apparently supposed to want. I am not into game playing or pretending to attract a man. If you can’t love each other gofor who and what you are, it’s a waste of time. I can’t make a judgement on this book cause I haven’t read it. most books have something of value in them, and you have to pick the best and leave the rest, lol.

  10. dutchgyrl June 19, 2012 at 7:05 pm #

    I so agree with all the previous comments. I should not and will not assume any responisiblity for my husband’s selfish dicision to seek to have his own desires met without even giving me the opportunity to know they were lacking. The worst thing that can happen to a betrayed spouse is to assume guilt for HIS mistakes.

    It’s not to say that we can’t improve on our actions in a marriagae, even those without starying spouses can, but to add the additional burden to the enormouse pain and hurt we feel upon discouvery is nothing short of cruel. Our self esteem and self image has been shattered. No point in adding unncecessay guilt to our frail selves.

  11. WriterWife June 20, 2012 at 10:56 am #

    Linda, this is a really well written review and I think you did a great job of breaking down the useful parts of the book – thanks!

    However, when I first saw this post on Monday, I was so angry I actually had to walk away from my computer. I agree that it’s important for both partners to look at themselves and evaluate whether they’re effectively communicating and understanding each other. I think it’s true that we often fall into patterns of behaviour (or “dances”) that harm rather than help. I am and will always be in favour of partners (jointly and individually) evaluating themselves, their communication styles, their approaches to problems, etc. And it sounds like at the end of the day, this is a lot of what the book focuses on.

    However (and you pointed this out, Linda) the very title of this book angers me. To me it insinuates that if your husband doesn’t love you, it’s YOUR fault. Which isn’t a far step from “if you could have only made your husband love you, he wouldn’t have cheated on you; therefore, it’s your fault your husband cheated on you.”

    Furthermore, the idea that if we’re in a loveless relationship the only thing we need to do is try to change the husband (by changing ourselves) is not only wrong, but harmful. The idea that woman can end up “stuck in place” out of a desire to please their husbands is an important one but I don’t feel like she should then learn how to progress to get the response from her husband — she should learn to progress for her own personal growth.

    I do think many women put up walls and push people away without realizing it and this is something they should work on for *themselves* — not to simply make their husband love them. A woman should develop a healthy sense of self because that’s important for her own strength — not merely to please her husband.

    What angers me is that it seems this book does seem to contain useful information, but that the author seems to have felt the need to package it in a gimmicky fashion. How many women will see this book and think, “This is everything I need — if only I knew how to fix my husband!” It reinforces the message that a wife can change her husband, that she should change her husband, that it is her responsibility to.

    This sentiment is anathema to everything I believe about relationships. It shouldn’t be one partner changing the other — it’s not our job to change the people around us. We can’t control them. We can only work on ourselves and we should develop a strong sense of self for *us*, not for someone else.

    It does sound like there may be interesting or useful information in this book but I refuse to spend my money on something that, by the very nature of the title, puts the blame on *me* for my husband’s indiscretions. I’m not going to bend over backward to “become the only woman he’ll ever want.” I’ll bend over backward to become the woman *I* want and can be — he can either love me for it or we can move on and find different partners.

  12. Gizfield June 20, 2012 at 3:43 pm #

    I read a book a few years ago that really helped me understand how people are and why they do what they do. I believe the name was How to Read People, and it waswritten by an FBI profiler . He said people are either motivated by Self Esteem OR Ego. It can’t be both. Ego people seek validation from others and Self Esteem people get it from within. Ego people put themselves first and Self Esteem ers put others first. There was a lot more to it but it really made sense. I believe one reason people have extramarital relationships is not what they know about their spouse but what their spouse knows about them. They need that starstruck adoration, and they just aren’t getting it because it is hard to Idealize someone that you really know. deep down, Not on the surface.

  13. Natalia June 22, 2012 at 10:50 am #

    I recently became a member and have read all your blogs. I agreed with most of them and saw my marriage reflected in many of them. I don’t agree with this e-book. I personally believe it exhonerates the man by putting the blame on the woman for all her woes. If a woman is trying to be the best wife and mother she can be and her husband walks all over her because she’s not assertive, then he’s the one with the problem. I just finished reading ‘When good men behave badly’ by David B. Wexler. Now this is a book everyone should read. It clearly explains why men behave in such a shitty way towards their wives. I also recommend that before you read this book you read ‘Desperate Marriages’ by Dr. Gary Chapman in order to understand the previous one. I discovered my husband’s emotional affairs 2 years ago. D-day was when he announced that he had RECENTLY found an ex-girlfriend on facebook. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing because this wasn’t just any girlfriend of his youth, this was someone he had had sex with and I couldn’t understand what type of relationship he could possibly have with her 34 years later. Up until that point our marriage was going downhill and I was actually contemplating leaving him even though we have 3 kids, had been married for 26 years, and didn’t even fathom the idea of an affair on his part. I was just sick and tired of his moodiness, his ups and downs and his disrespect and inconsiderate behavior towards me (which I later discovered was due to his emotional affairs). After he revealed that he had RECENTLY found the bitch I did a little investigation (looked up the history in his laptop and the other computers at home) and discovered that he had actually friended her 3 months before he told me and had been, for the previous 6 months, looking for her every night on his laptop while sitting next to me watching TV!!! I had a feeling this was the tip of the iceberg and boy was I right! He had been having emotional affairs left, right, and center for many, many years. And where was I, you might ask. Sometimes I worked full time, sometimes I worked part-time and all the time I was a wife, mother and housewife. Tending to everyone’s needs except mine. Just like Linda’s review says, I was being a victim of his wants and needs. I was passive. However, I don’t think it would have been any better had I been an assertive bitch. He would have probably walked out the door with the first bitch that smiled at him and stroked his ego and left me with 3 kids. I was not going to let him have his cake and cookie on the side ( as stated by Jamie 6/19). After the discovery of his ‘other life’ I started reading every book I could find on the subject of emotional affairs. I had a heart to heart talk with him 3 days after he revealed his friendship on Facebook. Fortunately for me he immediately apologized and recognized that he had been behaving terribly towards me for a long time. He promised to stop all contact with the women he considered where separating us, especially one at work. He has kept his promise. I know this because he has shown me an email she sent him wondering why he hasn’t been around to see her in her department and he never responded to her. He also told me that he ran into her in the cafeteria and when she asked why he wasn’t around anymore he told her he was busy with his family and with work and had no time for anyone else!. This confession, as candid as it seemed, prompted me to investigate deeper. I check his cell phone, going back as I possibly could, demanded the passwords to all his email addresses and Facebbok. I discovered many things that were extremely hurtful: flirty emails, text messages and phone calls lasting 8 mins or more to many women. I confronted him with all this information and he admitted everything and NEVER said ‘We’re just friends.’ THANK GOD! Or I would have killed him! (Please read ‘Not Just Friends’ by Dr. Shirley Glass). It’s been a long process and we are still working on our relationship. We have out ups and downs but the future looks extremely bright. He has read all the books I gave him and is working very hard to help me gain back my trust in him. I feel he has finally returned to me, he is again the man I fell in love with 32 years ago. This November will be our 29th anniversary and the fence around our marraige feels stronger than ever.

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