Infidelity causes intense emotional pain--anger, disbelief, fear, guilt and shame. But an affair doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage.Marital Affair: An ‘OW’ Speaks Out
Up until this point in the somewhat brief history of this blog, if you analyze the comments from readers, we have had primarily two types of visitors: the Cheated on and the cheating spouse. Well, we received an excellent comment that we wanted to share to everyone from a very different perspective of an “OW.” Her writing shows another side of just how devastating a marital affair can be to all parties involved.
Here’s the post from “Getting Sober”:
Feeling numb, often tired, almost listless, just want to lay down and sleep so I wouldn’t have to feel or think. It comes in waves. I’m OK. I keep busy, very very busy and working very hard at trying to enjoy a completely new life which I am in the process of carving out for myself and most of times I succeed. But it will take time to be truly OK and have to work so hard at being OK.
We had been together as soul mates and lovers, as buddies, as friends, broken up and starting over many many times, sitting in silence, touching hands, laughing out loud without a care about who sees or hears us, having someone there when you want to say “Look!” and not having to explain. Oh yeah, I know that you know what I mean. We used to think we were the only two people in the world to experience the Magic, but we do know better.I know that you, dear reader, have been there too, otherwise you wouldn’t be here.
Well, after 7 years of magic and living our waking dreams and fantasies of finding the great love of our lives, intense passion, pain of too much tenderness, a friendship that gave us complete peace, sharing our love of music and the arts in museums and theaters, sitting on the blanket by lakes’ edges and feeding the fish, simple acts deepening the feelings of kinship, miles of walking while talking, sitting in spiritual places…….. after 7 years, we wrote our farewells. Because I could no longer face the other side of midnight. When after being one body and soul, being full of contentment and pure happiness, came the awkwardness of leaving our rented room in the middle of the night to go home to someone else.
After a particularly close and deeply connected time together I wrote myself an email note. In the Subject I wrote: “I………..” and in the Body of the email I wrote “…….can’t do this any more”. I felt exhausted and defeated, as I pictured him cheerfully greeting his wife, maybe laying down next to her… I felt empty and knew what I would do and that this wasn’t one of those break up times when we would make up in a week or even a month.
There is no sense in a love, however great, which is based in lies and deceit at every step. And if a love is truly great then two people will find a way to spend the rest of their lives together in a way that shows backbone. So what was it? A great love, or a great illusion? Perhaps is was both. Nothing in life stays the same. Just because something isn’t true now, doesn’t mean that it wasn’t true then. Do I regret it? Oh, no. I’ve known something I would not have known had I not had this affair of love and friendship.
But it is truly time to go now because ……. I………. can’t do this any more………… I’m ok, not to worry. Just sharing it here with you because I no longer have someone to share what’s inside and it helps to write it out. I feel accomplished and there is a wall in front of me with “point of no return” written on it. You can do it too. Listen to your soul’s muted voice as it cries out to you……… I……. can’t do this any more…… and then be good to yourself. Peace to all.
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i have read a lot from people involved with infidelity and nothing pisses me off more than the “victims” always seem to place blame on themselves or the third party. this is crap. third party only has responsibility for themself, no obligation to keep others marriage intact. if affair not meeting their needs, then get out. they are not the enemy or a victim. the cheater is totally to blame. no exception. if your needs are not met, have the balls or ovaries to tell partner ahead of affair that they are looking. notify no longer exclusive or get out of relationship entirely. oh i get it, it just happens in that case notify immediately. i didnt meet needs, i drove them away etc all bull crap. they are lying deceitful loads of sh#t.
She got the best part of my husband and I should feel sorry for her!!! H–ll NO!!!
He should of been spending those wonderful moments with me!! She knowns he is married she get what she desevers heart ach!!! She should of known better. She should of said go make your marriage work and leave me alone until you are divorced than come see me. Sorry if you are involved with a married man you should know that they never leave their wives all they are is someone to stroke their ego!!! Now What about my ego??? And the cheater should of given me a chance and been honest with me right from the beginning, instead he blames me for his unhappiness that he had to find with someone els. Sorry but I am sick of the excuses. I am with you ppl its lots of bullsh-t! I have been thinking about will I ever get over this how long with this take. The worst part I have to keep it inside or he goes off the deep end if I even talk about how I feel. He hates to talk about it and I need to talk about it. Sorry for ranting.
Ruth, Ranting is OK! Have you tried to compromise with your husband as far as talking about it? Maybe something like scheduling a time and promising to only ask a certain number of questions or discuss it for only a certain length of time. Of course he will be able to get his side of things in as well. And do it calmly, btw. You need for him to talk and he needs to stop being so stubborn about not talking. Obviously healing is easier if you have someone that helps you heal.
talking about it sounds great. only problem is the decietful liar is moving their lips which almost by definition means you cant trust what is coming out. it is time to empower ourselves. you want to get back together, do so but you should not be surprised in the future. they have already proven themselves and their values. i myself made the mistake of forgiving my future wife wandering, now i am dealing with my now wife (same person) wandering. i really have no right to moan about this episode or future if we get back together.
I have tried so many time and he keep saying over and over we are moving forward and stop bring up the past. Maybe its to soon for him. I have a gut feeling its not over for him thats why he cant talk to me about it because again everything he says will be another lie so he avoids the whole thing. I figure I will wait until I think it will be ok to talk about it maybe in a month.
Getting Sober, I am sorry you wasted those years on what you believed your relationship was, or whatever you thought it was. I had an affair but I married my affair partner (we were both married). I am not proud of that either just so you know. They say that 75% of affair marriages don’t last and the reason for that is they are based on infatuation/illusion whatever you want to call it. When our infatuation subsided we realized we wanted to be together. We knew we had a rough road ahead, we would be judged by our friends and family etc. It can happen but for it to last is rare. We have been married for 18yrs. Our problems are the same as any 1 time only marriages. It’s not perfect like I am sure you imagined it would be if he had chosen you. I hope you find the person you deserve. Just make sure he’s not married because chances are good you will lose again. No one can steal a person away from another, you don’t take them kicking and screaming. They choose to leave and if he really wanted to be with you he would have left 7 yrs ago. I am really surprised the infatuation lasted this long.
OW/NowWife, Welcome and thanks for commenting. I agree with you that it is probably unlikely that infatuation would last for 7 years. I believe that Getting Sober and her affair partner moved well beyond the infatuation stage.
I disagree with you ppl. The affair partner or OP, willingly, often intentionally, invades the marriage.
Just because I leave my home unlocked, does not mean people can come in, rob and damage my home and family, and try to burn the place down. “Oh well,” they tell themselves,”if it wasn’t me, the next guy would have done it.” Even if they are invited in to where they KNOW they do not belong, they are as guilty as the inviter for the burglary, harm, and damage done to the family and home. Yes and sometimes the OP is even guiltier. They are predators looking for opportunities to manipulate. Who holds more blame? The one who, in the beginning, innocently allowed themselves to be manipulated into opening the door, or the predator looking for a home to break into?
One blanket of blame doesn’t cover the whole bed of infidelity.
I hate the other “girl.” I’m calling her a girl because I feel the two of them (she and my husband) are acting like children. She left her spouse and dragged me and my husband into their failing marriage. I feel like the victim of a violent theft.
She dares to compare herself with me. She dares to say things like, “I’m willing to do whatever it takes for our relationship…”
Why didn’t she say those things with her husband? I’ve already made huge sacrifices because my relationship so important. Why doesn’t my husband see the difference between her unproven promise made in the heat of passion and my hard work and loyalty. He just keeps asking me why am I still with him. As if I’m so stupid for wanting to work things out with a man who could hurt me so much.
She doesn’t really know my husband or my marriage. Why does she get to influence decisions that affect my life so deeply? My husband has cut himself off from caring what I need, so that won’t factor into anything he decides.
Hi Anna, and thanks for commenting. Things said and done while in an affair are certainly not logical most of the time, nor are they fair. Your husband is obviously under her spell and is unfortunately making decisions based on illusions. Perhaps he is saying things like that due to the guilt that he feels for hurting you so much.
debbie, its not stealing if something is given away. if your parnter gives away his fidelity then the op did not steal it
You know, all I think about sometime is if the ow is in as much pain as I am in and if she just can’t move forward. I really wish I knew. I really need to move forward but something in me just can’t and I can’t figure out why. I need closer and thats what I don’t have.
Ruth, I am sorry but why do you even waste your energy on the OW? You need to be focusing that energy on your marriage. She is not worth the worry. Who cares if she thinks she still has feelings for you H. She’ll get over it and see what a stupid A she was for letting herself cross that line. He’s with you and you need to be working it out.
Sober-
Thank you. Thank you. I didn’t know anyone would ever be able to put my life/feelings/etc into words, like you have. For 4 years, I was involved with the love of my life. For 2 of them, he wasn’t yet married.
That said, and contrary to what everyone else wants to believe, I did not invade the marriage. I did not take anything that wasn’t offered to me. Because of that, I got half of a relationship, because I wasn’t offered the rest. However, I loved stronger and deeper than I thought possible, and for that, I will never apologize. For me, it is and always will be very real. Not just infatuation.
But, like Sober said perfectly…
I….
….CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE.
He’s all yours. If you want him, keep him. If not, don’t. But a word of advise…love him and appreciate him and know just how lucky YOU are that he chose you. I got the best part of him for a while, but you get him. Period.
Enough… Maybe your feelings were “real” but obviously his were not. If I understand your story, it seems like you dated him before and after he got married. If this is true then he had a chance to choose you and he didn’t. What does that say about your “very real” relationship?
Enough. I am afraid I have to agree with Broken on this – are you sure you got “the best part of him”? May be you got the “illusion” of him for a while….And,don’t necessarily believe all he may have told you about his other relationship, all the reasons he gave for justifying seeing two women at the same time. Be aware that he may have simply been deluding both you and himself in order to have his cake and eat it. Sorry to be blunt, but you just have to read some of the many posts on this site to appreciate the delusion, half-truths and downright lies involved in affairs. Good luck.
A relationship and a marriage are two different things.
A relationship doesn’t make a marriage. And inversley, a marriage doesn’t make a relationship. You can have both. Or you can have one or the other. Its when you don’t have either that it becomes very confusing.
In a marriage you do things for each other. Build a home for the kids. Protect each other. You promise yourself to the other person only. You provide for your kids future. And you do it as a team. And each person brings to the team there own strengths and abilities.
A relationship is about the two of you only. Its the give and take emotionaly with each other. The openness and freadom to express yourself. The streangth you pull from each other. And the connection you share. The feeling of trust you have with the other person. And the saftey you feel with them.
I believe sober had that connection. But like I said, a relationship doesn’t create a marriage. Just as my marriage didn’t garantee a better relationship between us.
When we were dating it was a good relationship. As we had our first child it became mostly just a marriage. We both lacked the relationship. And it got to a point where she rekindled a relationship with an old boyfriend.
And now that that’s done its back to just a marriage, and that relationship may be just what I’m missing and need.
Sober/OW:
Thank you for telling people how things look from our perspective.
When he reached out to me, I said I did not want to be a home wrecker, the Other Woman. That if his marriage was over and he was available, I would be willing, but not if he was still in a committed relationship.
A month later he moved out and we started to be together.
6 months later his wife developed cancer and he went back, we stopped seeing each other.
But a year and a half later we are both struggling very hard to end our emotional connection. We are both committed to doing that so that he can see what can be done about their marriage. It’s a lot harder than you might think, if you haven’t been there. It’s really, really painful for all of us, still.
Sometimes people are in so much pain, that they just don’t think straight, and they do things that they wouldn’t ordinarily do. He had been in deep pain for a long time, but she had convinced him it was his issues, not hers. I saw the good in him when she saw only his flaws. She played mind games with him. She would not go to counseling, insisting that it was all him, not at all her.
This is not a justification, just an explanation. Sometimes things are not as black and white as you think they are.
If you are thinking of having an affair, I would say don’t do it. Go to counseling. And if you are thinking of ending your marriage, do it because the marriage has failed and not because you have found someone else.
My heart goes out to the OW/OM and their spouses. This is painful for everyone, and we are all being affected by each other’s mistakes and human weaknesses.
Hello!
Reading ow’s perspective just shows me how she justifies her actions, not assuming any resposibility. The a doesn’t just start out of blue! It doesn’t rain when the sky is clear! Ow always starts A by sending signals to man showjng that she is interested in him. Ask any man if they just come and hit on an unwilling woman on the street, only the ones who fflirt or show interest in those men. So the first step for starting A is always ow’s choice! Ask any bs, if she thrown flirting glances at other men. I bet not many! So stop pitying yourself, sober! I have just comtempt for you!