Linda’s View of Ending an Affair

After reading Doug’s post about ending an affair, I decided to write a perceptive from my point of view. I have researched loads of statistics pertaining to people leaving their spouses for their affair partners and just how successful the resulting marriages were. In the book How to Get Him Back from the Other Woman: If You Still Want Him, the author sites that most men eventually return to their marriages after an affair. But of the small percent that do marry their affair partner, 75% of those marriages result in divorce. This statistic would seem to indicate that most men at some point realize what they are doing is a mistake, and that they belong back with their families. The book also says that most affairs die on their own, or that sometimes an imbalance occurs when one affair partner begins to expect more than the other is willing to give.

I also learned from the book After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, that an affair between two partners that are married can ebb and flow for many years. The reason being is that both partners are not only getting their needs met from their affair partners but they are also getting other needs met from their spouses. The author implies their marriage is the cake, and the affair is like the icing on the cake. Since both are experiencing a full life with their families, the imbalance I discussed above would take a longer time to occur. Both partners are satisfied with their relationship the way it is, absent of any commitment and/or possibility of destroying their families.

Armed with this information, I needed to do something to interrupt the perfect balance of Doug and Tanya’s relationship. Affairs are based on secrets and the only way to disrupt their perfect world is to reveal their secret. I would say the rest is history.

When I became suspicious that Doug was involved with another woman, I confronted him with proof from his cell phone. He denied that anything was happening, saying they were just friends, and creating a diversion by stating that he had fallen out of love with me. I continued to have suspicions. These suspicions haunted me for many months, but also helped to break the perfect balance of their emotional affair since the secret was out and I knew who the woman was and that there was a lot of contact between them via cell phones.

The following month after I confronted Doug about Tanya, he was in the denial stage. He was trying to continue the relationship like he had for the last six months. He felt no guilt because they were just friends and felt I had forgotten about her because I was so focused on saving our marriage. However that didn’t last very long. I was trying to be the perfect wife by doing everything I thought he wanted me to do and still he was having trouble connecting with me. I just couldn’t put my finger on it, but something was telling me there was more to the story. So I started pressing him about Tanya. I also was becoming emotionally upset because I felt our marriage was beyond repair.

This is when I believed that Doug really started to experience guilt. I also believed that the wonderful feelings that he had experienced about himself during the emotional affair were fading and he began to wonder what kind of man he had become. With guilt, there has to be change. Their situation could not stay the same. For the first time since Doug started this relationship he had to think about what he was doing and that what he was doing was hurtful and wrong.

At that time Doug said that he started to become distant with Tanya. I believe this was the case mainly due to the guilt, but also I believe it was because we were beginning to connect again. We were having fun, having deep discussions and being very physical. Maybe, just maybe he didn’t need her as much as he did in the past.

Tanya began to sense Doug’s distance and became very upset. The once confident, fun-loving, exciting woman that Doug experienced in the beginning of their affair, was now becoming jealous, clingy and insecure. Since Doug already had a woman like this at home, he surely didn’t need another one like this to deal with! I also think that he was beginning to see sides of her that he had not experienced before. It is amazing how reality can affect a person’s behavior!

Doug had to look himself in the mirror and ask himself some hard questions: Where is this going? Is this what I really want? Do I want to leave my family, my life? Am I in love with her or am I in love with the experience? Do Tanya and I really have anything in common? If I put as much time in effort as I did in my affair into our marriage could I save my marriage? What if Linda is the love of my life and I lost her?

As you know Doug was able to answer those questions, and he eventually found his way back to me. I believed that by bringing the affair out in the open it gave me an opportunity to fight for my marriage. I took the power away from the affair and gave some of that power back to me.

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55 Responses to Linda’s View of Ending an Affair

  1. Last2know March 29, 2010 at 8:54 am #

    Linda, did Doug continue to work at the same place with the Tanya after the affair was over? My H does and though things are wonderful with us right now I have a really hard time with Mondays when he has to go back there. He is maintaining the no contact and changing jobs is not an option right now. They don’t work in the same building and most of the work contact is supervised by many. Sometimes I am
    fine but most Mondays I have the “rock in my stomoch feeling”. I was already losing weight when this happened but it surely excelerated the process. I was 182 and very unhappy, now 135 healthy and happy. Did you experince the same?

    • Linda March 29, 2010 at 5:06 pm #

      Last 2 Know, Actually Doug stopped working at the same office months before I found out about the affair, however they did continue to talk and see each other. I also had a really hard time with Mondays. The weekends would be great then I would become insecure during the week because I didn’t know if he was still seeing her. It was very difficult and I also lost a lot of weight, had trouble sleeping and concentrating.

      • HusbandA May 12, 2018 at 7:47 pm #

        Gosh, this is on the money. I hate Monday’s. The weekdays. I go to work which is demanding and I know this is when they do the majority of their talking. and in my case the other person lives out of the country so I don’t have to worry about them having physical opportunities. I have panic attacks sometimes while at my office. Not optimal.

      • HusbandA May 12, 2018 at 7:47 pm #

        Gosh, this is on the money. I hate Monday’s. The weekdays. I go to work which is demanding and I know this is when they do the majority of their talking. and in my case the other person lives out of the country so I don’t have to worry about them having physical opportunities. I have panic attacks sometimes while at my office.

  2. michael March 29, 2010 at 5:23 pm #

    Mondays are the worst.
    That rock in the stomach returns. Because they would talk on and on as she drove to work. And at work. And while she was a practice for the kids. So the sight of her leaving to work, and the days she is too busy to talk, it just builds up and turns in my stomach.
    We had a real good weekend. Kids games we had to split for. She went to a home game and I went to an away. Went home and worked in the yard together. Bought some new stuff for the house. Nice weekend.
    But then comes monday. I feel blue. And I talked about what we can do to work on this. She got sad. Mentioned that she still feels like I may want her to leave. That’s not what I want. But I need closure and to work on what happened so it won’t happen again.

    • HusbandA May 12, 2018 at 7:50 pm #

      I find it interesting that she’s too busy to talk yet not for the AP. She’ll always find time for that conversation.

  3. Last2know March 30, 2010 at 1:23 pm #

    Thanks Linda. Why is it that we were the ones who got betrayed yet we suffer the most and for much longer. It’s just so unfair, but all we can do is keep chipping away.

  4. Last2know April 12, 2010 at 9:55 am #

    Doug, do you ever wonder what would have happened if Linda hadn’t found out or confronted you? I wonder what my husband thought was going to happen looking forward. Something might have to give somewhere sometime. My husband says he never thought about leaving. He texted and told me he loved me the whole time he was having his EA. Maybe it was a diversion or something. That part I don’t understand.

    • Doug April 12, 2010 at 10:52 am #

      Last2know, That’s a good question. I feel that ultimately it would have died on its own anyways. I never thought about leaving. The closest I came was when Linda and I discussed me getting away for a short bit to sort things out. Tanya talked about leaving, but I knew deep down that I never could/would.

  5. Broken April 13, 2010 at 12:03 pm #

    Doug, you say that your EA would have just ended one way or another, was there ever any idea in your mind that the EA could turn sexual?

    • Doug April 13, 2010 at 4:49 pm #

      Tanya certainly wanted it to turn sexual. But believe it or not, I wouldn’t let it go that direction.

  6. Broken April 13, 2010 at 5:25 pm #

    Doug… why didn’t you want it to go in that direction? My husband also says that he didn’t want it to turn sexual. I of course believe, given the right opportunity it would have happened. Can you please tell me why you felt that way. I’m sorry if this is too personal… but this is a question that lingers in my mind all the time. And I really need a guys point of view on this.

  7. michael April 13, 2010 at 5:33 pm #

    It’s hard to believe that you “Wouldn’t” let it go that way. Like I have said on here, and I have told my wife, being so emotionally attached to someone can lead you to make a “Bad Choice”. Not that my wife would intentionally drive out of town to have sex with this ex love. But the pure emotions of what got her to go see him and lie to me about it can lead to a bad choice. I already know they have had sex. It wouldn’t take much to ignite that passion for him again.
    She was feeling alone and needy. She hated me for not doing anything for our anniversary. Enough so that she talked all day to him about it. And the next day she was on her way to see him. I’m sure he manipulated her to go to see him. And at that point how far did it go? I don’t know because she won’t offer any information about what happened without me asking about something I found out.
    She denies, like you and so many of the other posters husbands on here, that she would never do that. And she could never hurt me that way. Well she has lied about so many things up until the point where I found proof, so why should I trust her now. I can only say that I have no other choice.

    • Doug April 13, 2010 at 8:06 pm #

      Michael and Broken,
      I’m gonna kill 2 birds with one stone here. Yes and Linda has a hard time believing it didn’t get sexual as well. But it happens to be the case. Laugh if you will, but that was just one of those lines I would never cross. Perhaps subconsciously by not doing so, it made it less of a betrayal–and less guilt.

  8. Broken April 13, 2010 at 11:09 pm #

    Doug… from your story i can gather that Tanya made it clear that she was unhappily married. Did you ever tell her that you were unhappy with your marriage as well? Did you make her believe that your marriage was bad as well, or did you tell her that is was fine. My husband told the OW that our marriage was horrible, although it really wasn’t. He told her that we were just married for the sake of our children. I know this isn’t true, but I wonder what was the reason for telling her this?? Why make it seem so horrible when it really isn’t?

    • Doug April 14, 2010 at 6:03 am #

      Broken, Yes Tanya made it very clear that she was unhappy. I too, discussed my discontent with my marriage as well, but never indicated that I was miserable or anything like that, because indeed I was not. I never made our marriage out to be any worse than it was, so I really can’t answer why your husband might have done so. Perhaps he was looking for sympathy or some common ground with the OW.

  9. Last2know April 14, 2010 at 7:19 am #

    Broken, just like you I wondered why my H’s EA didn’t turn sexual. Based on emails I read it seemed to be heading in that direction. My husband tells me he was never alone with her (??) but I remember last year there were some work happy hours and he invited our step children (28 & 25yr old) to come and I asked him why and he said he didn’t want to be one of the last ones there alone with her. At the time I didn’t know about the EA yet. It seemed my H only saw her at work, group lunches and Happy hours. He said he made it a point to never be alone with her.Now I haven’t shared this but the OW was pregnant during the EA. I know for sure it’s not my husbands. Regardless it could have turned sexual at anytime if he wanted it to.

    I wonder if her being pregnant was a “safeguard” for them. Like “we have to wait” kind of thing. Also for you Moms I don’t know about you but when I was pregnant all I could think about was the upcoming birth and all the other emotions that go along with being pregnant I don’t think I would have or could have put energy into an EA. Also I certainly would not have been going to happy hrs, she also had another child at home…what’s up with that? Anyway I told my husband when this came out that he best tell me the truth because it couldn’t hurt any worse and in my eyes sex was the least of my worries ( except for STDs). I told him if it came out later and that I would eventually find out, that it would be over for sure. So he swears it didn’t happen and I believe him.

  10. Broken April 14, 2010 at 9:54 am #

    Last2know, my husband claims that the OW was not interested in having a sexual affair with him, but wanted instead for him to leave the marriage and be with her permanently. I can tell from emails that there was no sex involved, but that my husband did in fact want the EA to turn sexual, but she refused. Kind of strange? Why wouldn’t she want the EA to turn sexual? That would definitely bring them closer and open the opportunity for them to make their relationship more serious. Had the relationship turned physical, I can tell you now that I would not be married. This EA is enough heartache for me, I couldn’t handle anymore.

  11. Broken April 14, 2010 at 10:00 am #

    Doug, maybe my husband was looking for sympathy, but I also think he wanted the affair to turn sexual, so he tried to make the OW feel as though sex was no big deal since our marriage was horrible anyway. He to claims that it never turned sexual, and I have some pretty good evidence of that. I know that he wanted admiration and appreciation from her, something I didn’t provide at the time. But you know what he didn’t provide it for me either, and I didn’t go looking elsewhere for it! How selfish it is for a spouse to look only to fulfill their own needs in such a horrible way. Why not come to me and say, Hey Honey I need this and that, I feel this and that, lets work on it. Instead of going to another woman, thats a low blow. This EA is the hardest thing I have goon through in my life, and I wonder if my husband is truly remorseful or is he just sorry he got caught. Because I know for sure, had I not caught him, he would still be talking to her now.

    • Doug April 14, 2010 at 10:11 am #

      Broken, I certainly gave Linda that same low-blow. Selfishness, stupidity, and to a certain extent vulnerability were at the heart of it.

  12. Broken April 14, 2010 at 12:13 pm #

    Doug… do you ever think of the OW, and do you think given the chance you would continue to communicate with her?

    • Doug April 14, 2010 at 12:32 pm #

      Broken, Sure I do. It’s hard not to when we have this site and Linda and I talk about my affair constantly. But the thoughts are more of “What was I thinking?” and trying to remember details and events (I have a terrible memory) to answer everyone’s questions. If given the chance I would not communicate with her because I do not have the desire to, and I know it could mean the end of my marriage if I did. I do wonder though what might happen if we ran into each other in a store or something–especially if Linda was with me! Could be interesting.

  13. Broken April 14, 2010 at 2:08 pm #

    Doug, I often wonder if my husband thinks of her fondly or in a “what was I thinking?” way also. He works with her, and has to communicate with her so I’m sure some thoughts cross his mind, and that kills me! I have access to all his work emails so I see the conversations that take place and that does put my mind at ease. Either ways I often worry what will happen when they no longer work together, I am sure that she will try to contact him in the future should that happen and that frightens me. Would he tell me if she did? Would the relationship start up again? I feel like I constantly live in fear. I want to be fearless about my marriage like I was before. My husband says that he will never talk to her again, unless he has to for work and only during work hours. As far as I can see for now he is holding up to that promise, but who knows what the future holds. If I ever did run into the OW I think that would be especially interesting!! LOL I would definitely have a few words with her 🙂

    • Doug April 14, 2010 at 2:16 pm #

      Broken, I find it interesting that he can turn off the switch like that when she is still there every day at work. More power to him (and you) if he can. BTW…Linda text me after seeing my reply to you, and said if she was with me and we ran into Tanya that she would probably “pass out.”

  14. Rose April 14, 2010 at 2:41 pm #

    I just had to post!! I have seen the person that my husband was close to twice! We go to the same gym, the gym where he met her! If we cancel our membership there, it will raise a lot of questions….Our entire family goes there, and we have decided to keep this between us. It is VERY HARD! I have a few choice things I would love to say!! But, Doug & Linda, the list of “Why I hate you…” has made me calmer about it. I try to think of the things I want to say, and reword them in my head to a much classier version, lol!

    • Doug April 14, 2010 at 2:51 pm #

      Rose, Be careful you don’t let the “un-classy” version out! Lol!

  15. Broken April 14, 2010 at 2:45 pm #

    Doug, do you think it is that hard to turn off that switch? I often wonder about that. That maybe he doesn’t tell me what he really feels when he sees her or talks to her.

    • Doug April 14, 2010 at 2:55 pm #

      Broken, Yes I mean the emotional switch. Remember that the EA involves a lot of infatuation, which is a powerful drug. Once removed it does take some withdrawal. Perhaps your husband is different, but I would think that if he was heavily involved with the OW, and still sees her at work, that a total breaking free could be difficult to accomplish. What helped me I think was that during my affair I changed employers and didn’t see Tanya as often. The affair became a pain in the ass to maintain.

  16. Broken April 14, 2010 at 2:47 pm #

    Sorry I also forgot to ask, what do you mean by turn off the switch? By not talking to her in a friendly way anymore or the emotional switch he felt for her?

  17. Heartbroken April 14, 2010 at 4:45 pm #

    Doug – I greatly appreciate your honesty and perspective given your EA and specific to this topic. In my case, my wife had the affair. It did turn sexual and after their adulterous relationship was found out took some time before it stopped. Nonetheless, I find myself thinking about him daily. …Will he try to reach her again? Are they secretly speaking or worse? If I let my guard down, could it happen with another man, etc… From your vantage point, (and of course I know this is a loaded question) do you ever find yourself thinking about Tanya and want to see or speak to her? If she called you today, how would you handle it? My wife says it seems like a distant memory to her now and I want to believe that, but to me it feels more like yesterday. Any insight that you can share?

    • Doug April 14, 2010 at 5:24 pm #

      Heartbroken, Welcome back! I do think of Tanya, but from a little different perspective. For one, Linda is always asking me questions about her and our affair, so it’s a little tough not to think about her. However, my thoughts are centered more on the realization that I f***ked up and how and why that happened. I now see her faults and manipulations a little more clearly since the infatuation has worn off some time ago.

      If she called me today, first of all, I think I’d crap my pants! Secondly, I think the conversation would be very awkward–almost like first time acquaintances. However, I guess in some ways I would like to speak to her again. I’d be curious to know if she has reconciled with her husband and how their relationship has changed, and would be interested in learning more on how she has moved on since we broke things off.

  18. Heartbroken April 14, 2010 at 6:01 pm #

    Doug – Thank you. Infatuated is a good word for how I can only hope she felt. I know they were telling each other that they loved each other and missed each other, etc. I tend to place most of the blame on him and prefer to hope she was more a victim of his aggressive behavior. I decided not to call his wife and children so he got a free pass back to his old life pre-affair. It would be nice to think he chose to work on his own marriage, but I’m not sure he is that bright.

    Our counselor has been promoting transparency. I’m wondering per your response if you did get the call and have a conversation, would you immediately tell your wife or hide the call to avoid resurfacing a lack of trust? My wife has hidden so many things from me or told lies to hide the truth that I don’t know what to believe anymore.

    • Doug April 14, 2010 at 9:43 pm #

      Heartbroken, If I did get “the call” I would indeed tell Linda. We too, have discussed the importance of transparency and I would have no problem telling her. By telling her I would actually be strengthening the trust level, don’t you think?

      • melissa September 23, 2010 at 11:50 am #

        Sorry to reply to an old post but the stream of questions and answers are close to my heart. I’ve asked for transparency to re-build trust and thought that we were getting there. But the OW has called my husband about a work matter (allegedly) and they fell back into a pattern of long calls and organised a (work-related) meeting. That, in itself, was bound to happen. BUT what I cannot understand is that my husband went back into the same pattern and kept it secret from me. He does not seem to realise that this behaviour is totally wrong and has pushed me back to square one (hurt, angry, sad, disappointed, all in one day). He feels he’s completely innocent because he has ‘done nothing’. Is this a relapse or is he, sadly, still at the stage when he does not realise his behaviour is not acceptable a/ to me b/ is damaging to our relationship. Is he doing it on purpose to drive me away or is he just completely, totally without any moral compass which would make him weigh the consequences of his actions and the effect they have on our marriage?

  19. michael April 14, 2010 at 6:30 pm #

    Doug. That is exactly what I didn’t want to hear. But it is what I know would probably happen. If a year after this whole thing is behind us this POS is having trouble in his relationship again. Or just thinks about reaching out to my wife. How would she react.
    As it is today I think she would talk to him. Hide it and move on without going any further. And I would be none the wiser. Or I would discover it and flip out again because she did hide it.
    I feel this way because of how she has handled other men from her past contacting her. Her ex was a bad person. Drugs and alcohol and abuse toward her. He was the one that contacted her just before our wedding.
    She replied kindly in her first email then replied in a “blowing him off” way after he tried again. But she either didn’t trust me enough, was to scared to tell me, or it didn’t really mean anything to her. She didn’t tell me about it.
    But then came W—. Maybe it was because of how our relationship was going. Maybe it was because of the turmoil that broke the two of them apart. She really wanted to talk to him at that time. She ignored earlier attempts by him. But what was different this time. That’s one of the questions I think I still need to know. I know she was feeling selfish. And unloved. She told me all the ways she did feel that in emails to me right after I found out, and was still talking to him hourly. But how much of that was what he was feeding her. How much of that was what she really felt that I was doing wrong.

    • Doug April 14, 2010 at 9:48 pm #

      Michael, I’m guessing that this guy was manipulating (feeding) your wife to some extent since he was aware of her discontent. I think that Tanya did that to me in some ways as well. Your wife needs to understand that full disclosure is imperative, and without it, you will always have a difficult time in trusting her.

  20. Broken April 14, 2010 at 10:43 pm #

    Doug, I just read in another post that you ended it after Linda found out, can you tell me how you ended it, did you contact her, write her an email??? Also, how long did the EA last?

    • Doug April 15, 2010 at 7:26 am #

      Broken, Is Linda secretly feeding you questions to ask me?? Lol! I ended it via telephone after approximately 7 months or so.

  21. Broken April 15, 2010 at 9:06 am #

    Doug, I guess Linda and I have the same questions! LOL I think any spouse in this situation would probably ask these questions. Your EA lasted 7 months, my husband’s lasted 2 years. I often wonder how I didn’t see it sooner. It’s funny how your EA lasted 7 months and you had a hard time letting go, my husband didn’t seem to have a hard time letting go, not sure why. Linda, I think you wouldn’t pass out if you ever ran into Tanya. When I did see the OW at a company party after the EA, I thought I was going to pass out too, but instead I acted strong and happy, and I’ll tell you what…. it killed her! We are a lot stronger than we think we are. Before going to the company party I was a nervous reck all day wondering what I would do when I finally saw her face, and when I did see her, I felt empowered, because she was ugly 🙂

    • Doug April 15, 2010 at 9:18 am #

      Broken, Yes you do. Unfortunately I’ve had to answer them a zillion times! Lol Perhaps your husband didn’t have a hard time because after 2 years he had moved past the infatuation stage in his relationship and started to realize her imperfections more. Just a thought. That or maybe it was easier for him because “she was ugly” 🙂

  22. Broken April 15, 2010 at 10:02 am #

    Doug, my husband has said that I ask him the same questions a zillion times also, I can’t help it! Don’t get frustrated with Linda when she does this. I often think that if I ask the same questions over and over again that the answer will change and the truth will come out, or that maybe I’ll understand it better the second time around. It’s a sick cycle and I’m not sure how to escape it. I think that it was easier for him to let go also because that infatuation stage had passed also. Or maybe the realization of losing his family and wife was enough for him to just stop cold turkey.

    • Doug April 15, 2010 at 10:08 am #

      Broken, Don’t worry, I’ve pretty much gotten past the frustration phase 90% of the time. I feel I owe it to her to be patient and transparent. Sometimes I just have to say “Can we talk about this later?” The thought of losing wife and family can be a real motivator!

  23. Broken April 15, 2010 at 10:12 am #

    Doug, when you talk with Linda about the EA, do you fight, discuss, argue or what? We often end up fighting like cats and dogs because I get so furious and he gets so frustrated with the constant questioning. I want to know how to discuss it without it turning into a full blown fight that leaves us both angry and hurt.

    • Doug April 15, 2010 at 10:26 am #

      Broken, We discuss 99% of the time. Occasionally, we will argue or I will show my frustrations. Early on there was much more arguing, or at least raised voices when we talked about it. Linda does a great job of asking a question and then calmly repeating it to clarify and understand my answer. Because she has researched things so much she understands the dynamics of an affair and why things happen within an affair, so she typically will say something like ” Yes, I can see why you felt that way…” By her doing that she doesn’t come off as confrontational and more from the standpoint of trying to understand my situation. Now that being said, sometimes the discussions can get heated, but more often than not we calm down by the end and we wind up holding each other or something like that. Nobody likes to be interrogated, and though you may have a million questions, you can’t ask them all at once. My suggestion would be to take your time and get your questions answered in bits and pieces, and don’t keep asking the same questions over and over. That is more frustrating than anything else.
      You may want to read this post if you haven’t already:

  24. Broken April 15, 2010 at 11:53 am #

    Thanks for the article Doug, I read it and I think it makes some good suggestions. When you and Linda talk about the EA do you keep having the same discussions? What do you talk about? Do you talk about the EA or do you talk about working on your marriage?

    • Doug April 15, 2010 at 12:27 pm #

      Broken, At times, yes it seems that we have the same conversations. Linda has had a TON of questions about the EA itself, Tanya, her husband, details, how I feel about this, how I feel about that, etc. You name it, we’ve talked about it–several times. We also talk about working on our marriage, but less frequently since we kind of know what direction and what we need to do and where we went wrong in the first place. There are always issues that crop up where I need to be straightened out though! 🙂

  25. Last2know April 15, 2010 at 1:48 pm #

    Broken you need to ask in small increments and schdule time for that only. I tell my H “I need an hour if your time tonite” I ask and then I tell him that I may ask again but to just be patient with me. He does it. You are asking Doug a lot of the same things I did. you may want to go back and read some of mine and Dougs responses to me.

  26. Broken April 15, 2010 at 2:30 pm #

    Last2know, you seem to have a real good grip on things, I love your positive attitude. I just recently started to read more of what is on this website. Eventually I will end up reading everything and getting up to date with all the posts. Last2know, how long did your husbands EA last?

  27. Last2know April 16, 2010 at 4:16 pm #

    I am happy if I can be of any support to you. I don’t for sure how long but based on what I know and looking back it probably was 8 months to a yr. It bacame more involved between last Jan through Sept. Sept was D-day her husband found the emails and contacted me. It is still very hard somedays better than others. It’s the triggers that get me. I posted something on that.

  28. Broken May 6, 2010 at 6:18 pm #

    Doug… what was the point of you having and continuing this EA? You said you did not want it to get sexual, that you did not plan to leave your wife, so what was the point? What were you looking to do with this? I just don’t understand. Obviously the longer it progressed the more likely that it would turn into something sexual or more serious.

    • Doug May 6, 2010 at 7:50 pm #

      Broken, Who says that there had to be a point to it? The fact is that at the time Tanya and I enjoyed each other’s company and we had a good time together. There doesn’t always have to be an end in mind. It was completely irrational.

  29. Broken May 7, 2010 at 8:54 am #

    Doug… I just have to believe that at some point you had to say to yourself where am I going with this? How long am I going to keep this going? Didn’t you analyze your relationship with Tanya? Didn’t you look ahead and say what am I doing? Will this end or will I continue it? I’m sure those thoughts were once there. Was it that cut and dry… that you would just say to yourself…. well I’m having fun now and that’s all that matters? Sorry with all the questions but I’m just so confused. I want to understand something that seems like no one can understand, sometimes I think even the cheater doesn’t understand themselves.

    • Doug May 7, 2010 at 10:29 am #

      Broken, I believe in a lot of respects you are correct. Often the cheater doesn’t understand themselves. Sure I analyzed things and eventually realized that I did not want to continue the affair and realized that Tanya wanted to take it further than I did. That and I realized I stood to lose way too much.

  30. Broken May 7, 2010 at 12:27 pm #

    Doug… why didn’t you realize that you stood to lose way too much, before Linda found out?

  31. roller coaster rider April 22, 2011 at 3:13 pm #

    I have been having a very difficult day, made somewhat better by reading many of the comments and conversations here. I have been married for 35 years this coming August and discovered my husband’s infidelity of 7 months about six weeks ago. We were separated for a few weeks and have re-united but some days I have so many negative and sad feelings that I don’t always understand. I do know that recovery from this is a process and I really appreciated reading a perspective like yours, Doug. Thank you for trying to help others in their journey.

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