Lessons Learned from the Other Woman in an Emotional Affair

 the other woman in an emotional affair Aubrielle’s marriage ended because her husband had an affair and yet some time later she got entangled in an emotional affair with a married man.

She is kind enough to share the lessons that she learned as a result of being the other woman.

Please read on and then share your thoughts in the comment section below.

I Was the Other Woman in an Emotional Affair

By Aubrielle Marin

Emotional affair. I’d never paid much attention to the term. Why would I? I’ve never been attracted to men who are attached. I’ve also never forgotten to floss, started my car without my seatbelt on, nor returned a library book late.

My 12-year marriage ended as a result of my husband having an affair, so you could also say that I pride myself on being a bit of a fidelity snob. A “home wrecker hater,” if you will.

Even now, I won’t so much as have coffee with a man who hasn’t been divorced for at least a year. Please respect your last relationship by not using me to get over it, thank you.

See? Rules, I follow. Boundaries, I have.

So how did I manage to become “the other woman” in a full-throttle emotional affair with a married man?

I met Sean in a theater production where he played, ironically, a man who was cheating. To say we clicked is a gross understatement. Sure, I experienced mild stirrings of a crush, but in theater, stage crushes are common and I chalked it up to that. I didn’t sense any real alarm bells. Besides, he was married! The production ended, as did our contact. I was relieved that it turned out to be nothing. Or so I thought.

Weeks later, I got a call from Sean (not his real name) recruiting me for a part in a different show. It was an amazing opportunity for me theatrically, but it took days to decide if I could accept. I couldn’t place the unsettling feeling, so I made a list of pros and cons. When I wrote it out, reason número uno bubbled straight to the top: the temptation of being around Sean again. Cue first alarm bell.

I convinced myself I was overreacting and took the part anyway, but sure enough, within weeks our friendship torpedoed into a full-blown emotional affair. I don’t know when we crossed the line, but before I knew it, we were texting for hours, finding excuses to meet, sharing intimate thoughts, admitting feelings of infatuation, and ultimately reaching the point where we discussed consummating our feelings. We went as far as making a date to make things physical.

In the end, neither one of us could follow through. I guess we weren’t so good at being “bad.” But here’s what I’ve learned about emotional affairs, from a first-hand perspective.

  1. They’re rarely planned.

I don’t believe anyone wakes up thinking, Today I’ll put my marriage on the line. I’ve read that emotional affairs are like spider webs: nearly invisible and incredibly sticky.

I consider myself an intelligent woman with a strong moral compass and yet even I found myself trapped in this forbidden well of emotion, without a clue how to escape unscathed. Sean and I found ourselves entangled, seemingly overnight, and trust me, it wasn’t the slightest bit romantic.

  1. They’re deeply complicated.

In many cases, I think the problem that causes the most distress is that you really were friends first. The possibility of a relationship wasn’t there, so you were free to grow close with ease. Until someone crossed a line.

It might have been a secret kept from a spouse or taking flirtation too far or having a fantasy, but by the time you realize it, you’re already in the web and everything from that point forward becomes a painful, emotional nightmare to navigate.

  1. They’re easy to judge … until you’re a part of one.

I wouldn’t have even known what an emotional affair was before, but I can guarantee I wouldn’t have had sympathy for one. I feel differently now. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t condone this. I simply have new perspective.

I’m grateful that Sean and I ended this before incurring further damage and before we hurtled down the path of physical intimacy from which I don’t know if either of us could have recovered. I’d like to think that Sean will have a stronger marriage now and that I can move on to something greater.

  1. The grief process still applies.

That doesn’t mean that this doesn’t hurt. Today I saw him for the last time. It’s tragic; I lost my friend. I loved Sean. Definitely as a friend and maybe more; I’ll never know that part for sure. But being the other woman came with its fair share of shame. I felt that I had no “rights” to feel, so I quietly worked my way through the stages of grief alone.

I’ve conquered denial, anger, bargaining, and now, my least favorite: depression. The good news is that while I may vacillate between stages for a while, I know that acceptance and a shame-free future are around a very near corner. That’s where real love awaits. And that’s the only kind I deserve.

This article originally appeared on MindBodyGreen.com

 

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215 Responses to Lessons Learned from the Other Woman in an Emotional Affair

  1. exercisegrace December 5, 2014 at 8:13 am #

    When I read the title of this post in my email, I was eager to log in and read it. I am always willing to learn something on this journey. But this post leaves me wondering exactly what the point of her post IS. How is giving this OW a space to justify her despicable actions healing for us as betrayed spouses? Let’s look at her points.

    First, I agree that no one wakes up and decides to wreck their life and cheat. But having been on the receiving end of betrayal, I have tightened up my OWN boundaries. I get up every day and make sure I never put myself in a position to compromise my integrity. Or allow someone else the wiggle room to compromise theirs.

    Second, no dear cheater, they are not “complicated”. It’s really very simple. When you are friends with someone who is married, you are NOT “free to grow close with ease”. Again, as a betrayed spouse you should know that. Boundaries should be a watch word. You made a choice to have none, and this is the result. Please. Let’s not romanticize affairs by saying they are “complicated” as if this was something that could not have easily been avoided.

    Third, when something is as grossly WRONG as an affair, it IS easy to judge. You interfered in someone’s marriage. The two of you damaged his wife and kids. The fall out of that will likely last a very long time. Infidelity should be judged and judged harshly. Maybe then there would be less of it in the world. Maybe then people would think twice before indulging themselves in a relationship they are NOT entitled to indulge in.

    Fourth, I will save my pity for deserving party here, his wife. Your grief? Was self-inflicted. Your hurt? Was minor compare to the hurt you dished out. Saying you like to think Sean will have a stronger marriage after this? Is patronizing and self-serving. I get that you want to lessen your guilt, your part in this. I get it, that you want to spin the situation and come out smelling like a rose….Hey! Maybe you actually did the guy a favor by cheating with him…….Um, NO.

    Wow.

    • Doug December 5, 2014 at 10:48 am #

      Good stuff, EG. Every CS should let this sink in.

    • Monique December 16, 2014 at 9:13 pm #

      I agree with with you 100%, exercisegrace!!! I read this post and thought exactly what you thought! Thank you for your succinct review of it!

  2. Mona Lisa December 5, 2014 at 9:26 am #

    You covered it all, exercisegrace. Well said!!

  3. TryingHard December 5, 2014 at 10:16 am #

    EG
    Well said! When I saw this post I too was anxious to hear the other side. As usual it’s the same old, tired drivel. She was a victim of her own ignorance.

    The gift, however was the final word in her story and hearing that she’s depressed. Now that’s the gift that just keeps giving. I’m going to project that this is how the OW in my life is feeling and I couldn’t be more pleased!!!! Yes I fantasize that she is so depressed she places herself in a bathtub and slits her her self serving, narcissistic, sociopath, slimmmy wrists!!

    I say bring it on all the OW out there who read this blog. Tell your sad sob stories to us. We love it. But you won’t because you’re all really just a bunch of chickens. At least Aubrielle was brave enough to tell her story as pathetic and uninspiring as it was.

    My question to you Aubrielle is, What is it about you that is attracting men that treat you so poorly. I mean really, one guy cheats on you and the other is married. Are you some kind of shitty man magnet or do you just have a really bad grudge against yourself??

    If I were you I wouldn’t spend another minute justifying your own bad past choices and look deeper into your own character and worth.

    • Blue December 19, 2014 at 7:46 pm #

      EG- you made so many valid points here as per usual:)
      The one thing is, I do think the comments of the OW/OM are important for us to hear, especially when they sound so imbecilic and self important. It shows the minds of a lot of cheaters. Have you ever read any blogs coming from other women/men? Majority are narcissists. It’s quite unnerving (eyeopening) that they walk among us, acting so nice and sweet to others yet they have their hidden side that would stab you in the back. There’s an absence of empathy and more so an absence of integrity.

      I’m too trusting and these kinds of articles, however self-absorbed remind me that approximately half the people out there are not what they seem to be but at least half the people are, thank goodness for the latter.

  4. TryingHard December 5, 2014 at 10:17 am #

    Oh yeah, WOW!!! Thanks Doug and Linda 🙂 I loved it

    • Doug December 5, 2014 at 10:46 am #

      I detect a bit of sarcasm here! 😉 Seriously though, thanks for sharing your opinions as always!

      • TryingHard December 5, 2014 at 11:42 am #

        Sarcastic??? Moi??? 🙂 Actually no. I did like it for all the reasons I listed in the above comment. I could have eviscerated her and wanted to, but EG did a much better and diplomatic job!

        This story drives home the point the the AP do not consider the spouse, who is really the only victim in infidelity. It’s all about them. They’re “special”, they are “sou mates”, they couldn’t help themselves, there was an inexplicable magnetic universe defying draw that they just could not resist!!! They were IN LOOOOOVE!!! Romeo and Juliet and well damn that pesky wife and children were just so in the way of their true hap, hap, happiness.

        No there was nothing tacky, or wrong about their attraction because well, it wasn’t plannnnnned after all it just happened!!!! That nasty web of deceit just sucked these two hapless victims in.

        GIVE.ME.A.BREAK!!!

        But I would seriously love to hear from more hapless victims AKA other women/other men. The stories truly firm up my beliefs about them and helps with the healing process hearing their pathetic stories!

        • Strengthrequired December 6, 2014 at 1:13 am #

          Bravo eg, loved what you wrote.

          Now what I would like to know is, how come they always say “it just happened?” I am so over hearing that, it just happened.

          • exercisegrace December 6, 2014 at 4:08 pm #

            Exactly. Like they were walking down the street, mind their own business and WHAM. They got run over by an AFFAIR.

            Oh wait, that would be US!

            • Strengthrequired December 6, 2014 at 4:53 pm #

              Th, they got run over by an affair, we the bs got run over by a bus, which said skank on board.

        • Rachel December 6, 2014 at 5:39 am #

          Wow trying, that was perfect. I heard all of that. One thing that I just remembered is that my ex said he and his soul mate had a pheromone connection!?!?!?!
          They also wrote up a paper about “getting divorced from your spouse.”
          The ex said that he found it on the MSNBC site. When I said “find it”!
          He couldn’t .
          There were so many typo’s it was a poorly written article that I new the lingerie sales clerk had something to do with it.

          • exercisegrace December 6, 2014 at 4:10 pm #

            Wow Rachel, that’s a new one! Pheromone huh? Although I agree the smell of skank is hard to ignore and hard to wash out of things.

            I can only imagine what the “article” said. If it weren’t so painful, I’m sure it would be a hilarious read.

            • Strengthrequired December 6, 2014 at 4:55 pm #

              Rachel, are you serious? Did both your h and the skank write an article on divorcing their spouse? Did I read that right.
              They must have wreaked with that pheromone.

              • Rachel December 7, 2014 at 2:01 am #

                Yes excersise and strength, pheromone connection is what he said and when I open the paper it does smell of the skank.
                My attorney has the original. I will get my copy out of my “divorce” box.
                My Dr wants me to start to write my book, she feels it’s the best way for me to heel.

                • Strengthrequired December 7, 2014 at 4:11 pm #

                  Good on you Rachel, write that book. You have a wonderful, fulfilled life ahead of you, go for it, and have it all. You deserve everything wonderful in your life, and what a start, you already have mr wonderful right along side of you, who also deserves his wonderful new life. Your exh and his exw can live their life and path they chose to travel down, while your life gets fuller and richer.
                  Hugs to you your boys and your mr wonderful….

                  • Rachel December 8, 2014 at 6:22 am #

                    Thank you strength !!!!!

            • betrayedchump December 6, 2014 at 6:51 pm #

              Hey EG,
              Smell of skank? That is fricking hilarious!!!!! I knew there was something about my X when she was having her EA, I thought she was soiled but now I know what that pheromone was- SKANK!
              Peace to All!

              • Strengthrequired December 7, 2014 at 4:04 pm #

                Betrayed, that smell was soiled skank, lol. Love how you used thought she was soiled. Hope your doing well… And you get to have a wonderful merry Christmas and next year is the best year for you.

                • betrayedchump December 9, 2014 at 2:35 pm #

                  Hey SR,
                  Yes Soiled Skank! Which store are all these cheaters going to for this new wonderful pheramone “Eau De SKank”? Affairs R Us? Affair World? Walaffair? Thank You to ALL, life is getting better & Merry Christmas to ALL! PEACE!

                  • Strengthrequired December 10, 2014 at 7:36 am #

                    Betrayed, how about affairs galore, the ones to shop for all your affair needs…

                    • Strengthrequired December 10, 2014 at 7:37 am #

                      Btw betrayed, I’m glad things are getting better for you. Just keep looking after yourself. Merry Christmas to you too.

  5. Broken2 December 5, 2014 at 4:19 pm #

    Heres another perspective for you guys. I too experienced the full volume of feelings we who are cheated on towards any and all other woman. I have been there and I have felt them all. Sometimes I wonder though if our anger is being directed towards the wrong person. I didn’t marry my husbands affair partner, I married him. So here is another side of the story to ponder. My daughter is 32 and never been married. She has searched her whole life for the right person and has been lied to and emotionally abused by men that she no longer has any trust for them. A few weeks ago she met that prince. He was everything she dreamed about and more. He was kind and loving and treated her like a queen. He told her he had been divorced for a few years and had children and grandchildren. He had moved from Florida to Houston for a job in the oil industry. Then last week she decided to see if her prince had a FB page. She couldn’t find it because it turns out he uses his middle name but she did find the “exwife”. There in all his glory was the very same pic he had sent to her. Clearly his wife had no clue as she talked lovingly about her hubby and shared sweet couple pictures. My daughter is devastated and cut off all communication with him. I told her the wife deserved to know but she said she didn’t want to hurt her because she looked like such a sweet lady. My daughter is an innocent victim. So with that being said can you find a way to reduce her to the level of the piles left behind by my dogs in the back yard. Because according to those of us who are cheated upon there is no one lower then the other person. I urge you to see that in some cases the OW is an innocent victim just like the spouse and that affairs are not all black and white but sometimes something in between. Despite what anyone may conjure up in their heads by daughter had no clue, no hints, no nothing to set off the red flags of an affair. She feels reduced to a mistress.

    • exercisegrace December 5, 2014 at 6:28 pm #

      Broken2, my comments were directed ENTIRELY to women who CHOOSE to be the OW. Who knowingly, willingly place themselves in the position of mistress. Your daughter is NOT an OW. She is a victim of a manipulative man, playing a cruel game. I am sure I speak for most of us here when I say that. What a sad reflection on our culture that you need to ask for PROOF that someone who says they are single, really IS single.

      For what it’s worth, I think she should tell his wife. I am sure she IS a nice person, and that is all the more reason for her to know that her scum of a husband is taking full advantage of her niceness. I feel very sorry for your daughter. It’s an awful position to be in, and she bears ABSOLUTELY NO FAULT in this situation.

    • Strengthrequired December 6, 2014 at 1:19 am #

      Broken, your daughter is not a ow, she was unaware of him being married, he filed her. Most of the ow we have had to deal with here, knew that the man they were after was married. These are the women that deserve the name tag mistress, home wrecker. These women went after a man that they knew was married and didn’t care.
      Loads of hugs to your daughter.

  6. Gizfield December 5, 2014 at 4:34 pm #

    Broken 2, I dont think your daughter qualifies as an other woman. She is the victim of a con artist most if us have been at some point. She broke it off when she found out and had only known him a few weeks.

  7. TryingHard December 5, 2014 at 5:03 pm #

    Broken2

    Absolutely NOT!!!! She had NO idea. This is directed solely to those who KNOW the person is married! And yes, my husband is way more in the wrong and I’ve dealt with him. But it took two. He didn’t have an affair with himself. There was co-conspirator and I don’t love them, have no history with them, owe them NO allegiance, have no mixed financial investments and have nothing to lose by wishing them all the hell they deserve.

    This asshole who led your poor daughter on is despicable to say the least. She’s practically a rape victim in my eyes!! But cheaters are liars and I hope if ANYTHING good comes from it is if he seems too good to be true, he is. Thank God she was smart enough and resourceful enough to Google and FB him to find out the truth. No she shouldn’t tell the wife in this respect. This guy is dangerous!!!

    • Strengthrequired December 6, 2014 at 1:17 am #

      Th, that would be interesting, having and affair with yourself. Lol. I wonder how hard it would be to break it off with yourself?

  8. Leesa December 5, 2014 at 5:17 pm #

    Broken 2, I agree with Giz. When your daughter found out he was married she broke it off. If she had continued in the relationship after finding out he actually was married, then she would be the OW. She did not have an affair. She was cruelly used. I wish she would tell the wife. He will do it again because he got away with it. He is very likely a serial cheater, and his wife is clueless. My heart goes out to her and you.

  9. Gizfield December 5, 2014 at 5:26 pm #

    Ok, I’m putting on my “former cheater ” goggles to comment on this one. Many people, including EG, have broken it down very well. I personally don’t think Aubrielle has learned much and is very much in danger of cheating again.

    She says it was “unplanned,.” Right, when someone gives you the Crotch Tingles and you make opportunities to be around them, it’s not unplanned, especially when one is married.

    She says it’s “complicated”. In what way? It’s wrong, it needs to stop. That is not complicated. Once you get that, you are not less judgmental of cheating, you are more judgemental. Cause you know it’s wrong, and did it anyway. As for the “pain” suffered, it’s totally self inflicted.

    None of these factors will help any cheater reform. Ask me how I know. Cause I did it myself over 20 years ago, and am still disgusted and repulsed by WHAT I DID. Not what anyone else did, what I did. That is each cheater’s cross to bear, alone.

  10. TryingHard December 5, 2014 at 5:56 pm #

    No Giz you and EO are not in this camp either. This person is justifying her actions. Even to the extent of “..hoping his marriage is stronger…” Which I am certain she is implying because of her and the affair. EO even sent an apology letter to the wife for crying out loud. If that’s not redemption and taking responsibility I don’t know what is. If the OW in my life even offered up one iota of remorse, well who knows….

    Anyway, You know what we are talking about here. Look you reform, you take ownership/responsibility of your shitty destructive choices, you’re redeemed. I have a very hard time finding redemption in cheaters or affair partners who offer up these stories. I get they do it. What I don’t get is how they don’t see how tired and cliched these excuses are. You want to have fun go to an OW/OM comment board. You will hear this very.same.story over and over.

    I think she came over here because there aren’t too many OW/OM posters and well she just needed to teach us a thing or two about how innocent and good these folks are because after all “it wasn’t planned” and she wears a seat belt!!! No dearie you are NOT a rule follower you are an amoral rule breaker who only thinks of herself and the rest of the world be damned. They are called sociopaths!

    • Strengthrequired December 6, 2014 at 1:25 am #

      Th, she is hoping her married mans marriage is stronger, so she doesn’t feel as much guilt. Well I’m sorry, if you don’t want the guilt, don’t do anything that will cause guilt and shame, and something that will hurt someone else.
      I agree, EO and giz, are not in the same ball park as this woman. There are some people who learn from a mistake, some just don’t, and will keep doing the same mistake over and over again.

    • Strengthrequired December 6, 2014 at 1:28 am #

      I actually thought I was going to read something that the ow has finally realised, what she actually learned, not the same old excuses. I thought it was going to be a good read. Yet the comments were, anyway . Lol

    • Gizfield December 8, 2014 at 8:09 am #

      Thank you,Trying Hard! Your comment means a lot to me.

  11. antiskank December 5, 2014 at 7:05 pm #

    This is like listening to the lame excuses from my cheating spouse! Give me a freaking break!!!! Poor thing, don’t you just feel so bad for her? NOT!

    We all know that situations happen like with broken2’s daughter where the low life cheater is lying to the affair partner and to his spouse. You cannot judge the unknowing affair partner in the same way at all. They have been betrayed too.

    In most of our cases, I am sure that the sleazy skanks involved with our cheating spouses were completely cognizant of the fact that Mr. Wonderful was married, and in many cases the skank was married too! The idea that it just happened is ludicrous. Thank you EG for your spot-on description of the situation! These people are in a completely different category. I have no sympathy for any grief or discomfort that they may feel. It cannot compare in any way to the devastation experienced when your life partner betrays you. I have yet to experience anything else that can even come close to this pain and I have had many bad experiences in my life!

  12. Broken2 December 6, 2014 at 11:08 am #

    She has decided to not tell the wife because she doesn’t want her to hurt. I told her she should but she is to hurt to deal with this right now. She deleted his number and is absolutely devastated. She was so excited that she was going to share a Christmas with someone she loves and now that is over. I agree she isn’t the first victim in this guys life. He conned her and gosh was he good at it. My hubby who is the cheater travels a lot and because of this incident I have thought a lot about what he may have done all of the times her has been out of time for months at a time. You would like to think nothing but reality tells me something different.

    • Strengthrequired December 6, 2014 at 5:00 pm #

      Broken, I think your daughter is in this instance doing the right thing, not telling the wife. I am sure she probably already has an inkling something is not right, he has probably been caught before sniffing around fresh meat. The thing is, it is probably more safer for her to do what she is doing, forget about this man, and everything that’s goes with him. She doesn’t need that… I am sure if he hasn’t been caught, he will be and it will be with someone else, and it’s better that it won’t be with your daughter, when the wife does find out. Hugs to both you and your daughter. They say you have to kiss many toads, before the prince comes along.

  13. theresa December 6, 2014 at 12:09 pm #

    You both made a choice.
    You were both wrong.

  14. exercisegrace December 6, 2014 at 1:55 pm #

    Here’s a quick test for you. How to tell if an OW is repentant or faking it? If they talk more about THEIR feelings, their struggle, their issues…..than the pain they put their AP’s wife and kids through? They are not repentant. They are fakers, aka sympathy whores.

    When you are truly sorry for the wrong you have done, you are more concerned about the person(s) you have wronged than about yourself. The consequences THEY are experiencing matter more to you than the ones YOU are experiencing.

    • Tryinghard December 6, 2014 at 2:36 pm #

      Yes EG. Not only their own pain they are experiencing but the pain the caused themselves to themselves because of their sophomoric notions of love, morals and integrity.

      I would have loved for Aubrielle to address exactly why she was depressed. Is it because she misses Schmoopy or the fact that she realizes she acted like a whore by totally ignoring society’s rules. Or is she depressed because she found out she was indeed not irrestiable or special and quite easily tossed to the curb??? Depressed??? About what????? UGH!!!!!!

      • exercisegrace December 6, 2014 at 4:11 pm #

        It’s all about ME, it’s all about I, it’s all about number one oh my…….

    • betrayedchump December 6, 2014 at 7:02 pm #

      EG,
      AMEN!

  15. CBB December 6, 2014 at 4:19 pm #

    I to was eager to read this post and as disappointed to what I found. You know A. When I realized my H was rolling into an EA I already had the rational knowlege that this wasn’t planned. When I confronted my H with this suspicion I thought he would wake up as well as my ‘ friend ‘ and realize they had wandered over this invisible line. I was prepared to accept that as a human weakness and try to get over it. I was far more hurt by the reaction in the years to come : denial and undercover continuation for another year, putting the blame on me and in the end minimizing it all. This is what hurts!! i do not know how your marriage ended but maybe by ending it to quick you didn’t dig into the main problem. The fact that I’m willing to keep my marriage going is the value I put on the years before the EA. there is more to loose with my H than with this 5y old friend ( sounds good doesn’t it 5y old…). I’m still very angry when my H feels cut off from these ‘ friends’. But going on without at least thinking about the warning and still not realizing exactly where it stings by reacting exactly like you do A this is what hurts even more than the EA itself . This would be the lesson to learn ! They got my compassion, as sensitive BS we’re emotionally far more intelligent. To bad you need to go cold turkey to realise what you did and I’m sorry you’re still not there!!!
    And NO those who don’t know and stop once they find out do Not catalog as OW! As whether to tell the BS is a difficult one. Theoretically it would be the thing to do but don’t underestimate the H! You’ve been hurt enough you do not deserve any more. I to am even more carefull now to all seemingly innocent, public compliments in respect to the wives, i now realise why some friends with very ‘popular ‘ husbands looked so sad sometimes wandering what they must have gone true. But it usually stays a secret…

  16. JKW December 6, 2014 at 6:00 pm #

    What I wonder is after being the BS in your marriage, how do you give yourself permission to do that to someone else??

    • Strengthrequired December 7, 2014 at 4:01 pm #

      Jkw, exactly. How can you go from being betrayed and knowing full well how much the pain of it rips you apart emotionally, physically and mentally, to turn around and become the cheater, knowing you can cause the same pain to someone else.

    • Broken2 December 8, 2014 at 11:25 am #

      If this is directed towards me…..as a BS I feel that all BS have a right to know what their CS are doing. NO ONE has a right to control my life and what is going on with my life especially without my knowledge. I know the wife will be devastated just as I was but she has a right to live her life in truth. I have never met the cheating scum my daughter was dating, it didn’t last that long so I really don’t care about him. If I were his wife I would want to know. Its not my call anyways.

      • TryingHard December 8, 2014 at 12:22 pm #

        Broken2
        I agree the wife should be told. I just would hate for you daughter to be in anymore peril with this nut. And he is a NUT!!! She doesn’t know him well enough and if she were to tell the wife who knows what he’d do. He’s a predator sociopath. She needs to be very careful.

        Now, that said, there is nothing to prevent you from sending a anon letter to his wife without using your daughter’s name. I agree his wife should know what she’s married to. And Who knows maybe she does. Not all betrayed spouses are innocent.

        I would bet a million dollars there’s more than just your daughter in this predicament with this loser!!! I would quit worrying about him or his wife and concentrate on helping your innocent daughter in this mess.

      • Doug December 8, 2014 at 12:37 pm #

        B2, I may be wrong, but I think that may have been directed at the author of the article.

        • Strengthrequired December 8, 2014 at 3:53 pm #

          Broken2, what I understood from jkw, was that it was about the author of this post, not directed towards you, which is what I was responding to, in agreeing to jkw comments.

          Yet I do have to say, yes I agree the bs should know about the affair her cs is having, I do however worry about it coming from your daughter. She is innocent in all of this, and there are so many crazies out there, I would be more inclined to protect your daughter. As both th and I mentioned, I doubt that this is the first affair this cs has had, there is probably more that he is playing. I am sure your daughter will make the right decision, the decision that is right for her. Hugs to the both of you.

  17. CheatingSpouse December 8, 2014 at 8:26 am #

    Hi everyone,
    I am the cheating spouse. I have been following along this site for a little over 6 months now and its my first time to comment. I am looking for advice. I have been married to the most wonderful man for almost 20 years now and had an emotional affair. It lasted about 6 months and my husband discovered it and confronted me on it. I lied, I tried to dismiss it. I did everything wrong in the first month. I tried to minimize it. I cut off contact immediately when my husband confronted means there has been no contact since. It has been about 6 months since DDay. A month after DD I started making some very positive changes in my life to live the life I want to live – yes many of you will laugh that its too little too late – but I screwed up terribly and want to fix things. My husband will be the first one to tell you that he doesn’t think I am doing anything wrong now – its just the fact that the affair happened. He has admitted he may never be able to get over the things I did and said. He also does not believe that I have told him the whole truth. He doesn’t understand how an EA can carry on for almost 6 months and not be physical. I have told him the truth but he just can’t believe me. I have read Doug’s cheater guide on healing from the affair. I have been doing my best to follow all the advice I can as the cheating spouse. I have told my husband everything, but the fact that he had to pull so much from me at the beginning, has caused him to doubt it all. I am deeply ashamed of the pain I have caused him and my family. I am willing to do anything to make it better, but don’t know what to do. Any advice from a betrayed spouse would be very welcome. I appreciate this site very much.
    Thank you.

    • exercisegrace December 8, 2014 at 10:21 am #

      First, kudos to you for owning your mistake. Healing will take time. There will be forward progress and there will be steps back. Everyone processes things in their own way. What are you doing right now to show him you are “all in” the marriage? Individual counseling would be a great step towards healing. It will help you figure out what is broken inside of you that allowed you to make the choices you made. Identifying your vulnerable areas will protect the future of your marriage. Counseling as a couple is beneficial as well. Be sure to choose one who is experienced in infidelity, as there are some out there who do more harm than good. We were able to discuss details of the affair, and I was able to get my questions answered in a safe, neutral environment. The counselor was also a source of accountability for my husband and made me feel that I finally had the full truth.

      One thing my husband offered on his own was complete transparency. There were no more hidden emails, texts, etc. His phone and accounts were all open to me. He deleted his facebook account. I adopted the same open media policy as well. He willingly set other boundaries to make me feel safe. Again, this will look different for each individual. Ask your husband what he would like you to change or do differently. Seek his input and implement what he asks for without resentment or impatience.

      wishing you the best of luck and healing.

    • TryingHard December 8, 2014 at 10:40 am #

      Hi Cheating Spouse
      First I’d like to say how brave you are to post on this particular thread, but also thank you. Your post gives me hope for humanity!!! And good for you going NC. It truly is the ONLY way.

      OK so quit saying “it just happened” Just.Quit.Saying.It. It’s not true and you are glossing over your poor choice to cheat on your husband. Your “relationship” lasted 6 months. It was planned over and over. It did not just happen. We meet people every.single.day. that we find interesting, attractive, sexy even, but we draw the line. Once that first flirtatious text, email, comment happens that’s when the reins are pulled in and you stop! I can’t say it enough JUST STOP IT, it’s not true, it’s a lie!!!

      The more you use this excuse “it just happened” the more you lose credibility with your husband. Your husband will look at his relationship/marriage as “WTF really, our marriage was that bad that this shit can ‘just happen’ seriously???” Just STOP, you’re making it worse!!!! Own up and take total responsibility. Also be free to tell him your boyfriend pursued you and you pursued him. Do not try to protect your ex boyfriend. Do not tell your husband what a great guy he is because HE’S NOT!

      Instead tell him exactly how affair happened, how it made you feel, why you didn’t stop, etc. Now that’s the brave thing to do. Explain what was going on with you and NOT him or your marriage but YOU at the time you decided it would be a good idea to have an affair. And for crying out loud don’t blame him for anything. Yeah, ok, maybe he was ignoring you, too bad so sad, but here in Betrayed Land that doesn’t hold any water!!

      When you are forthright and volunteer apologies and discussions(oh and trust me there needs to be lotttts of discussions) and are willing to be totally honest, is when he will start to trust your words. It isn’t the big things, it’s the small things and trust me he is listening and parsing every word you are saying right now.

      If you were, and I am not calling you a liar, but if you were physical in ANY respect, TELL HIM!!! You have no right to hold any of this information from him. I too find it hard to believe that a 6 month EA had no physical contact.

      I hope I’ve helped and I wish you the best of luck. You sound like you are on the right track and I think you are owning up to your mistakes.

      • Strengthrequired December 8, 2014 at 4:19 pm #

        Cheating spouse, good on you for coming here and looking at ways to help your husband heal from your affair. I think th said it pretty well, “affairs don’t just happen”. Yes your affair happened, and nothing can change that, no matter how much we all wish and wish and wish that it didn’t, it just cannot change a thing. However, by being completely upfront with your husband, not pussy footing around, when your husband asks a question, and yes there will be many, and possibly even more years down the track, just answer them with your head held high and cop it on the chin. Your husband is trying to make sense of everything, and he wants to see that he isn’t that bad of a person that his wife became involved with another man. He wants to be able to feel like he can trust you again with his whole heart, because that pain of having that one person you love with all of your heart, stomping on it, and lying about it as well, for another person, who really didn’t deserve that much from the person we married, is just too much at times, and none of us want to feel that pain again. It plays with your mind in ways a cheating spouse “who hasn’t felt that type of pain before” could understand or ever fathom. That pain torments your whole mind, body and soul, it doesn’t leave any leftovers, it just rips your whole world apart. So rebuilding that deep pain that your husband has experienced, is going to be a long hard road for you, but when you truly love, honour and respect your spouse, you would do anything to prove it. There was a site I looked up one day, because I wanted my husband to understand the torment his affair had on me, I think if you read that, it would give you another insight on how to understand what your husband needs, until that trust returns, and where he can feel that you have been truthful with him. I looked up the “Understanding your loyal spouse” (affaircare). I found it such a good read, and it really does cover so much of what the betrayed spouse feels, and what you can do as a cheating spouse to help your betrayed spouse heal.
        I do think couple with this site, the advice many of us betrayed spouses can offer you, and having a read of that particular article, (it is long, but worth the read) and if you both Feel like you want to see a counsellor that is a good marriage qualified in infidelity as th mentioned, I am sure things can become more clearer for both you and your husband.
        Just remember though, it is going to take time, it isn’t goign to be an easy ride, but it can be worth it. I wish you all the very best.
        Ohh and please as th and others have mentioned, please be completely honest, be open in everything, be understanding, don’t shift blame, be loving, and make sure the no contact rule stays in place, and if the om happens to contact you, don’t respind, ignore it, but also let your husband know, don’t keep secrets, but most of all be truthful about everything.

  18. Broken hearted December 8, 2014 at 10:45 am #

    My marriage ended because of an emotional affair. I simply cannot stand it when someone down play an affair just because there wasn’t sex. You don’t commit yourself to someone for the sake of sex. A marriage is emotional committ and if the CS is deceiving the BS and giving all his attention, friendship and affection to the OW that is worse then a physical act. My ex-husband married his AP and she was married when they meet and had three kids. Two families and five children were hurt because of their selfishiness. My kids have spent the last year in therapy and have been devasted. When I see articles like this it truly sickens me. Affairs don’t just happen there are red flags along the way. Justifying hurting someone because of loneliness is just a poor excuse and self-serving. An affair is an affair and for those hurt by it there is no justification.

  19. antiskank December 8, 2014 at 1:51 pm #

    The cheating spouse will go to great depths, obviously to justify their betrayals. It sickens me hear the excuses almost as much as it sickens me to know that I analyze each comment and excuse and feel angry about them.
    On this site, we talk alot about the golden rule of NO CONTACT, and I whole-heartedly agree, but it just doesn’t seem to be enough!! My CS spent more than an additional 2 years after the contact ended just longing for her, fantasizing about her, wishing he could be with her. During the whole time, he was playing me, telling me all the right things, pretending he loved me, wanted to be with me. I only found out becasue I felt something was missing and pushed to the point of his caving and admitting that he was still doing it! Now, again he tells me that he only wants me, would do anything to repair our marriage, blah, blah, blah….. After the continued lying, the desire to fantasize about someone he could never have – how can I believe a word he says, how can I believe that he actually wants to be with me? Does the pain ever go away, does the trust ever come back?

    • TryingHard December 8, 2014 at 2:26 pm #

      Antiskank
      2 years later and he’s still pining away???? WTF??? There’s nothing you can do. This guys freaking hopeless. What is he 14?? Seriously, get out SAVE YOURSELF!

  20. Nephila December 8, 2014 at 2:38 pm #

    I came in late to comment but all I can say is ExerciseGrace has said it all.

    There’s a special place in Hell for women who know what it’s like to go through this and go on to do it to someone else. She has less excuse than an OW and her excuses are weaker because she ought to know how stupid they are.

  21. CheatingSpouse December 8, 2014 at 4:49 pm #

    Thank you to all th betrayeds who responded to me so kindly today. I believe I read the article mentioned already, but that was early on, and I am clearly still missing something so I will read it again.

    I broke my husbands heart and betrayed him terribly. I cannot imagine his pain but will continue to do everything I can to show him I am a changed woman. I am so sorry for the pain I have caused him, our children and the family that knows about this. It is unforgivable, but hope some day with the right path taken, I can forgive myself. And I hope he can forgive me and see a future together.

    Thank you all.

    • TryingHard December 8, 2014 at 5:00 pm #

      Cheating Spouse
      Everyone here is willing to help all, betrayed and cheater alike. We can all show you the other side and give you a reason to hope that you can work through this firestorm and come out better on the other side. I know it’s a tough pill for you to swallow sometimes, but trust me it’s harder on your husband.

      You did break his heart and it feels awful. Especially if you are blind-sighted by it. I think SR gave the best advice. Just be Honest. Even if you think it will hurt him too much, it’s not your call, be honest above all else.

      I think if you stick around here you’ll find we all have a lot of valuable insight. Some of us come across more no nonsense than others, (ok I do!!!) but hopefully it’s received in the spirit it’s given 🙂 Also Doug and Linda’s Higher Healing area is money well spent!

    • Strengthrequired December 8, 2014 at 5:43 pm #

      Cheating spouse, I don’t think what you did is unforgivable, there is room for forgiving, when someone wants that forgiveness. Which you do. Forgiveness will come, maybe not today, but it will come, from both you and your husband. You do need to learn to forgive yourself though, I can’t imagine the torment the ptruly remorseful cheating spouse goes through, knowing that you caused so much pain to those you love the most in the world, must be horrifying to salt he least. So learning to forgive yourself has to come into seeking forgiveness from those you hurt as well. You need to learn to be happy again, so puting yourself completely into your marriage, your husband and children, you all will find that peace and contentment with time. Take it maybe as a lesson learned, mistakes happen, and when those mistake happen you learn from them so you never make that mistake again.

      • CheatingSpouse December 8, 2014 at 6:16 pm #

        The compassion that you are all showing me makes me wish I had posted for help earlier in this process, but so glad I am here now.

        My husband does not believe in counseling. I have been seeing a counselor myself in order to determine the cause of my cheating behavior. He said he is maybe willing to see a counselor but I am not sure. I have been trying to get him to talk with someone – and he has confided in a few family members. Since I believe infidelity is a cause of PTSD, I wish I could get him to see his own counselor.

        I will continue to try and forgive myself and put my heart wholeheartedly into my family, husband and children. I failed to do that for 6 months and I will never do that again.

        Thank you realizing the torment I am causing myself. I also realize it must pale in comparison to my husbands. And I take full responsibility.

  22. Jenny December 8, 2014 at 5:47 pm #

    As the betrayed spouse I have always wondered about how the hurt spouse can in turn find themselves in an affair. I imagine that the old adage of “hurting people hurt people,” plays a big role.

    I am concerned that if I don’t have flexibility in my own healing that I may be able to do this to someone…..I imagine it temporarily offer respite from the hurting that is happening.

    I am curious if the author of the original article, if she used the same lense that she did on her own affair on her ex-husbands affair what the results would be? Does she feel like he was in it before he realized it etc. What are her feelings on his affair at this point?

  23. Tryinghard December 8, 2014 at 6:35 pm #

    Cheating
    It’s not unusual for men not to want to go to counseling for many reasons. One is definitely the Macho factor but also consider this. He may be ambivalent about reconciliation. You may have wounded his ego too bad. He might be afraid of hearing everything come out in plain view and he’s scared. He may be wanting to call it a day and counseling just might push him to it. Just guessing here. Lots of people, ok men, think if they put their head in the sand everything will just go away!!! Looking at yourself and your marriage is not for the faint of heart. It takes brutal honesty and it’s uncomfortable. There’s a time when you just want things the way they were but sadly that NEVER happens.

    I’m happy to hear you are going and be honest with your therapist. The more you grow and learn about yourself the more you have to offer to any relationship. They can help you with your coping skills too. Obviously you need help with that or you wouldn’t have had an affair. Look I’m not saying we all aren’t sometimes attracted to other people but it’s the lying and deception and wanting to have your safe marriage and someone else on the side that’s wrong. Your marriage isn’t working for you, get out, divorce but don’t try and have it both ways. There’s a lot to consider here and I think you are on your way to a lot of positive self discovery. That may be with or without your husband unfortunately 🙁

  24. lin December 8, 2014 at 8:03 pm #

    Cheating Spouse:
    I am so impressed that you posted and it shows a genuine interest in healing. My advice is don’t underestimate the pain your actions have caused. Don’t minimize or EVER lie about your actions or intentions. Lies of omission are still lies. Be accountable and do not display an ounce of defensiveness. Don’t blame others for your actions and don’t protect your affair partner in any way. Answer every question your spouse asks truthfully the FIRST time you answer it. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP . It is a roller coaster of emotions for you both and you need help processing everything. Best of luck to you!

  25. JKW December 9, 2014 at 8:16 am #

    Jenny, I think your thought that hurting people hurt people probably has a lot of truth. And it probably would offer a respite from the pain, if only temporarily. I also wonder how having her own affair affected the author’s view of her husband’s. And whether being the BS in his affair affected her decision to ultimately end her own. I wonder how she thought about her AP’s wife.

  26. Jenny December 9, 2014 at 9:56 am #

    JKW-

    I had not even thought about the other betrayed wife and the view that she may have had on her, their relationship etc.

    Sometimes it is in my worst moments that I learn the most. I hope that I do not have to hurt others in the process of that….but I can see how if I was not resolved or finished with with a relationship in which I was deeply hurt that I would just want something to make the pain go away and stop it for some time.

    Maybe the responses to her article have helped her on her journey. I don’t see that it is “wrong” what she wrote, just early stages when she is still maybe in a little bit of shock of what has happened and disbelief of what she has done.

    • JKW December 9, 2014 at 12:58 pm #

      Jenny–
      Yes. I think you are right.

  27. M December 23, 2014 at 4:05 pm #

    I had to stop reading these comments because they were so filled with hatred. You don’t have to agree with the author, you can judge her actions, you can choose to believe she is lying or narcissistic or whatever else you decide you know about a woman you don’t know personally.

    But the fact of the matter was she chose to share her experience. And just because it doesn’t line up with what you as a BS believe she SHOULD say her experience is doesn’t make YOU right. This was her experience. I assume she is being honest about how it made her feel. Having feelings and being in pain about the end of the relationship makes her human, it doesn’t make her a monster. It also doesn’t make her a narcissist. By the way, I’m pretty sure your cheating spouse was also very sad about the end of their affair, they probably just didn’t share all their feelings about it or lied to you about how much they missed the OW/OM.

    Anyway, the point is that if you don’t agree with what she has to say, either don’t read it or simply comment that you didn’t find her experience helpful. You don’t have to attack her like a pack of wolves. Everyone would do a little better to remember we are all human and we all make mistakes, including your spouses and affair partners.

  28. TryingHard December 24, 2014 at 12:16 pm #

    M
    I am so happy that you quit reading the comments because they so disturbed you. Smart girl! That is your choice. But who are you to tell us how we should comment?? Who made you the infidelity blog police???

    This is a place where we discuss and comment on a lot of experiences and sometimes viscerally. If you can’t take the heat stay out of the kitchen. There are many other blogs, such as OW blogs, that I read and NEVER comment. I do it for information gathering and really amusement. You OW are very amusing and predictable and such pathetic cliches!

    None of these comments were personal attacks to the writer. We all just know the erroneous of this kind of thinking. Her’s is a sad cliched story uttered by countless OW who are used and cast aside like yesterday’s trash once the fantasy hits the light of day. No, I don’t know this person, I don’t need to know her. I’ve seen this story a million times. It’s sad and pathetic. But she knew what she was getting herself into. The betrayed spouse didn’t know and she was complicit in the lie.

    After the inevitable DDays occur we find out everything. Every nasty, sordid, tacky, cliched detail! And we make our decisions whether to stay and try to put the relationship back together or divorce. If we get hurt in the aftermath of choosing to stay with a cheater that’s on us! We know what we are dealing with now. So no, I don’t feel any kind of sorrow or need to patronize this woman’s ignorant self inflicted pain. She did it, she caused it and much more and I truly believe her victim thinking is what is keeping her stuck and depressed. She takes no ownership of her choices. She needs help and she could certainly get it here if she owned up to her poor choices and quit trying to pass herself off as a victim because “really I’m a rule follower, I wear seat belts” Jeez give me a freaking break!!

    You see she made that choice, over and over and over again. She didn’t magically show up for a date with the OM. Her pants didn’t accidentally fall off her. She didn’t forget he was married. She made deliberate. conscious. choices. to do and act as she did. Her’s was NOT make a mistake. Mistake is putting sugar in a recipe instead of salt. She made a choice and she knew what the outcome could be.

    Yep she is a narcissist. She thinks she’s special and entitled. That’s what a narcissist is, look it up. Social morals didn’t apply to her. So much more special than the wife. She deserves happiness and to hell with the collateral damage to family, finances and innocent children and to herself in the end!

    Yes my dumb ass husband is a narcissist too when having the affair. Trust me there’s been a lot of money spent with therapists, counselors to help him. Many heartfelt conversations and yes probably some that should have happened years ago but didn’t but hey excuse that because well we are all human and make mistakes. But the point is I could care less about the “mistakes” the OW makes. I only care that my H realizes it was a choice and why and how he made those choices that not only hurt me and his family and his business but mostly himself. He’s owned up to his choices. Doesn’t call them mistakes. Takes total ownership and is very remorseful, ashamed and embarrassed.

    So yes your statement that he misses the AP is ludicrous and irresponsible. You don’t know him so how dare you project your own feelings on to him? Or are you a narcissist as well?? Your statements and attitude only makes me believe you are probably an OW/OM feeling sorry for themselves as well. Well let me fill you in dearie I would bet my last dime he misses NOTHING about his former AP so don’t flatter yourself or the rest of the OW population by talking about things you know NOTHING about.

    And, BTW, empirical evidence regarding the residual feelings of former AP once couples reconcile proves quite the opposite of your assumptions and admonitions, so do yourself a favor and educate yourself before you start spouting off! I say talk about what you know, not what you think you know!!!!

    If you’d like some references to OW/OM blogs where you can commiserate and have readers agree with you and make you feel better, I can send you some references.

    • M December 27, 2014 at 2:42 pm #

      You are clearly acting out against your husband’s OW, which I guess is pretty predictable. Especially since this woman’s pants didn’t come off, from her story. You are projecting.

      I don’t need any education from you, thank you very much. You made a lot of assumptions about me, which is I guess your right to do. But I think you would do well to realize you may not know absolutely everything about every single person on blogs and every single affair. I never said I was an OW. Assuming you are all-knowing and better than every one else is actually a sign of narcissism as well.

      And it’s both telling and a little crazy that you assume someone who disagrees with you has to be a cheater, which automatically makes them a narcissist, which means you can invalidate their opinion when it is different from yours.

      People can disagree with you. You are not always right. Disagreeing with you or disliking your behavior does not make someone a cheater. You are a person like most others, no better, no worse. You are not perfect, you are not a saint. You have been through a trauma and it has affected you and how you view the world, that is all

      You are no better than the woman who wrote this piece actually. She developed feelings for a coworker, then ended it. That’s about as human as you can get. I am not a cheater, I just don’t believe in making the world so black and white. What she did was wrong, but she can still be a good person. You haven’t cheated on your husband, but for all I know you could be a horrible person.

      I don’t need any advice or suggestions from you. And I would never presume to give you advice, since I don’t know you at all. But I suggest that you seek out advice from a good therapist for what was a disproportionate response to my comment

      • dountoothers March 2, 2016 at 1:17 pm #

        M… I suspect you are actually a “Marriage Counselor” yourself because of the buzz words you employ IE: projection, disproportionate response, etc. Your explanation of WHY you are frequenting these boards make not a lick of sense either. Despite your denials of being the OW, I think you are using this site to justify your own selfish behaviors. Your try to come across as the voice of reason here, while blame shifting and attacking people who have not indulged in pumping up their own ego at the expense of others. I think you talk the talk but you lack the ability to walk the walk. In fact….I suspect you really get satisfaction out of hurting others. It makes you feel omnipotent. Perhaps you are unable to maintain romantic attachments past the “Honeymoon phase” and intimacy eludes you. It makes you feel “Special” when you are able to lure a man away from his primary relationship, but once you do, you lose interest.

        Since you seem to enjoy armchair analysis, I thought I do the same for you.

        • Blue March 2, 2016 at 2:50 pm #

          Very insightful, Dontoothers.

  29. TryingHard December 24, 2014 at 12:21 pm #

    And just for the record M, I stand by every. single. word. I said. Whether perceived as hate filled or not. They aren’t hate filled comments, they are anger filled and sick of hearing made up sorry victim excuses.

    I also stand by and support everyone else’s comments here.

  30. Rachel December 26, 2014 at 6:09 am #

    Well said, trying hard. Well said.

  31. Tryinghard December 26, 2014 at 9:35 am #

    Thanks Rachel. When I first read the story I was disgusted and was just going to ignore it. I really didn’t think this OW story was worthy of comment. And then EG so eloquently commented. I wanted to support HER words. Then when M commented well my hackles were raised.

    The blogs that specialize in the common commiserations of their experiences and how misunderstood are so common. I guess she wanted to come here and teach us all a lesson. I was not surprised to hear that she thinks our H miss the OW. They are so narcissistic and sophomoric in their attitudes of love and relationships. They can’t imagine that the cheaters lied to them just as they lied to us and it was all nothing but a sad game and they were nothing more than a pathetic pawn!

    • OHC December 27, 2014 at 3:39 pm #

      I was in an EA with a colleague for several years, his wife never found out, and we made the mutual decision to end things about 18 months ago. Since then, he has worked hard on rebuilding his marriage (something I encouraged him to do) and they are no longer on the brink of divorce. It took a year of therapy and a course of antidepressants, but I am doing well now as well. I am genuinely happy for him and his wife that they are doing better and feel confident that we made the right choice.

      We did not speak or have contact for much of the past year, as we no longer work together or live in the same town–I actually moved to the other side of the country to make the break real. I also knew I would never get over him and he would never really recommit to his marriage if we were speaking regularly (he wanted to continue contact.)

      But we are in no way angry or disgusted with each other and we still care about each other very much. I know he was ashamed of his actions, as I was of mine, but we never blamed or took it out on the other person. We do email or text occasionally–maybe once a month or every other month, usually just a quick “How are you.” “Doing well, how are you,” And that’s the end of it.

      He told me as recently as 2 months ago that he doesn’t regret a single moment he spent with me and that we will stay connected for the rest of our lives, even if we never see each other again (it’s been a year since we last saw each other.) He had no agenda in what he was sharing, he wasn’t trying to see me or restart anything, he was simply stating his feelings.

      I am no longer in love with him and I have no doubt he is no longer in love with me. Our relationship is over. I think he genuinely loves his wife of 15 years and their children and the life they have built. But I think he also recognizes that we had a special friendship, helped each other through some truly horrible times, and shared a real love for over 4 years.

      I tell you this story just to say there ARE affairs based on real emotion and friendship. They may be the minority of affairs, I don’t know. It doesn’t make the affairs any less wrong–they are still wrong and destructive to everyone involved. But I wouldn’t assume that there is no way for fond feelings to remain, even if the WS decides to stay in their marriage.

      • betrayedchump December 29, 2014 at 2:03 pm #

        OHC,
        I really don’t know how to respond to your post, on one hand I applaud you for posting your thoughts/feelings but on the other hand???? Romanticing your Affair still? Continuing contact with your AP? Patting yourself on the back because you encouraged your AP to rebuild his marriage? Only he wanted to continue contact? Then why do You EVER communicate with him still? You are NOT angry, disgusted, remorseful, taking it out on the other person? Isn’t his wife & family the other person? NO REGRET? Did his wife find out that you were the OW? Did you apologize to his wife, family, friends? He has NO AGENDA in expressing his feelings to you NOW? REALLY? SERIOUSLY? You had a SPECIAL FRIENDSHIP? REAL LOVE? REALLY? SERIOUSLY? GAG! PUKE! The ONLY way fond feelings remain is if YOU & your AP want them to remain!!!!! Read Gizfield’s post & ask yourself if your post states OWNERSHIP/RESPONSIBILITY like her post does?

        • OHC December 29, 2014 at 4:59 pm #

          Betrayed, I appreciate your comments and if you will bear with me, I don’t feel like answering all of them. The reason is that after 18 months I am in a healthy place and stewing in remorse and hatred of anyone–myself or my AP–just doesn’t help anyone anymore. Sometimes you have to forgive yourselves and others and move on.

          I wrote a blog for about 6 months, which was very helpful, but shut it down when it was no longer therapeutic and I rarely visit the blogs anymore. I occasionally come back, like now, but I am not at the place I was in 2013 and I don’t need to answer everyone’s questions or go through therapy again. I have gone through all the emotions you mentioned, you are just catching me further down the road

          The whole reason I told my story was just to say that one of the things that bothered me about the blogs, when I was here on a daily basis, was the herd mentality that said everything HAD to be one way, there was only one way an affair went (which, predictably, was fed to most people from therapists or specific books) and any story that deviated had to be a lie.

          My reaction to you would be why is it so strange for two people to have spent every day together for 4 years, traveling, eating all their meals together and working 14 or 15 hour days, to develop real love and friendship? Why is it so hard to believe that they struggled with their feelings, tortured themselves about it, and ultimately decided to end things so one of them could save their marriage. Why do those feelings have to be a lie?

          I don’t know your story but I can guess that you have been through a great deal of pain. And I’m sorry that you have experienced that. In my case, his wife never found out about me, we ended it mutually before she found out. That doesn’t mean I don’t understand the damage our relationship caused. it also doesn’t mean I was the cause of all their relationship problems either

          The funny thing is for me it’s not romanticizing it, I don’t think he is either. We had a romantic relationship–a real one–and it’s over. I think of him like I think of my other significant ex-boyfriends. With fondness and sadness, but I don’t deny or minimize the feelings that were there.

          Ownership and responsibility came in ending a relationship that meant the world to me because it was the right thing to do. I even quit my job and moved–with significant financial, personal, and career implications. We weren’t fighting, there was no crazed BS threatening to cut off his privates, we did it because it was the right thing to do. Period.

          I will add that I never went through the shame that a lot of other OW went through because in our case we never snuck around. We were legitimately working together and needed to be together all the time. The vast majority of our time together was spent actually working and he had an arrangement where he didn’t see or even really speak with his wife Monday through Friday. And he and I didn’t speak on the weekends. So, I never felt like a mistress or the other woman. I’m not sure I could have ever gone through with something where he was lying about where he was or who he was with or if we were meeting at motels when he was supposed to be at a soccer game. It just wasn’t that kind of affair

          Again, I don’t want to get into all the details because I think it’s not healthy for me to do so. I just wrote to say that someone, somewhere, is selling a bill of goods to BS that real love and emotion between APs isn’t possible. Maybe that is easier for them to hear and easier to demonize the OW, which I understand. And maybe it’s even true in the majority of affairs. And I’ve read enough to know that the Glenn Close crazy Fatal Attraction OWs are out there. But we aren’t all that way.

          And one last thing–I communicate with him because he was my best friend and mentor and closest companion for several years. I care about him and he cares about me. It’s only when you believe that that is impossible between two APs that it seems bizarre. I am also still in touch with 3 or 4 ex-boyfriends going back 20 years and have been to their weddings. I don’t stay in touch with them because I want to rekindle something. I stay in touch because they are important to me and I care about them. It’s the same thing

          • betrayedchump December 29, 2014 at 8:45 pm #

            OHC,
            First things first, Thank you for your concern of the pain that I never asked for, got to vote for, wanted or needed! Secondly Thank you for replying to my post to you. NOW I am glad that You are in a better place 18 months later, I hope the same can be said for the Wife, The Children, The Other Family Members,& The Friends of the Married Man you had an affair with? Is it that easy to forgive yourself & continue to justify your real love that you thought you had? You said that you want US (BS) to know that the herd mentality of an affair being just one way is wrong? Sorry to burst your bubble, it is just one way, there is pleasure, joy, happiness ONLY for the 2 people in REAL LOVE? Three is a crowd & always will be unless you are in an open marriage, then what is the point of being married? Why is it so STRANGE for 2 people to develop a friendship & a real love for each other when they are together every day (last time I looked there are 7 days in a week NOT 5)? It is STRANGE because you were Fucking STRANGE Meat & He was Fucking STRANGE Meat (that would be You)! STRANGE Meat that was OFF LIMITS TO YOU BUT YOU DIDN’T CARE ABOUT THE RULES, THE BOUNDARIES, THE LAW, THE TRUTH THAT HE WASN’T SINGLE & AVAILABLE!!!! YES I believe both of you struggled with your feelings, tortured yourselves & ultimately ended your affair because of it! However IMO stop & take a look back & be totally honest with yourself, was it really because you all of a sudden both of you pulled your moral compass out of your asses & wanted to save a marriage? IMO I think guilt, shame, & the realization that the 2 of you would never become one won over the day long before saving the marriage did! That is OWNERSHIP/RESPONSIBILITY/REMORSE NOT ROMANTICIZING THE AFFAIR YET AS IT WAS BEAUTIFUL (REAL?) FOR YOU & HIM!!!! NO ONE HERE ON THIS SITE HATES YOU!!!! We just will not let you or anyone else who is NOT the BS try to justify, romanticize, ask for sympathy/understanding for what you purposely without regard did to the Wife (Mother of his children, his friend long before you, his lover, his trusting partner), the relationship/marriage that was NOT YOURS TO TRY TO TAKE AWAY!!!! You will understand this one way perspective We have one day if you become the BS one day & believe me NO ONE on this site wishes that pain/hurt/suffering on you!!!!! You NEVER snuck around? So you asked for permission from his wife before you slept with her husband? She told you why yes OHC I would really appreciate it if you would FUCK my husband? It was the right thing to do to end your affair? NO OHC the RIGHT THING WAS TO NEVER HAVE THE AFFAIR!!!! Is any of this getting through your one way view of your TRESPASSING on someone else’s MEAT? So you feel free of guilt, shame, remorse, responsiblity, apologies BECAUSE the wife NEVER found out about your affair? REALLY? SERIOUSLY? How is that being honest & owning up to what you did with her husband? You couldn’t have gone through with it if he was lying about your Monday-Friday affair? So he was asking his wife if it was OK to Fuck you Monday-Friday & she said well sure honey that would be just great, have a good Fucking time, don’t forget to wear a condom & I will see you Saturday, have a great week, Love you too???? REALLY? SERIOUSLY? HELLO, wake up smell the coffee, pull your head out of your ass, take a breath of clean fresh truthful air & take off your rose colored glasses! You didn’t speak to him on weekends so that didn’t make you his mistress? HELLO! A mistress is only seen on weekends in your one way view of an AFFAIR???? The only one trying to sell a bill of goods about your affair is YOU & you are trying to sell it to the wrong buyers! I like MANY others on this site have been tempted to stray from the vows we took to honor in sickness & health, in good times or bad, for rich or poor, UNTIL DEATH DUE US PART! STRANGE differance is we didn’t go outside our marriages to fill our selfish needs! I hope you have been 100% transparent with your new Partner about your past AFFAIR, if NOT it is a can of worms just waiting to explode that will end your new relationship. Wishing you nothing but the best of luck! Peace

            • OHC December 30, 2014 at 12:59 pm #

              My only reply is to say I had an emotional affair, not a physical affair. We never even kissed. Doesn’t mean I don’t take responsibility for what was still an affair, but just want to clarify. As I said, I think it’s best for me I don’t go through all the details again, but thought you should know that, because it seemed like the main thrust of your response

              • betrayedchump December 30, 2014 at 2:14 pm #

                OHC,
                Thank you for your reply. SO you just MIND FUCKED EACH OTHER? Well that makes EVERYTHING you two did together OK? I am sure you asked for the wife’s permission to MIND FUCK EACH OTHER as did the husband???? You call that REAL LOVE???? IT WAS A FANTASY WORLD THAT YOU & THAT CHEATING HUSBAND CREATED, NOT REALITY, NOT REAL LOVE!!!! YES my X only had an emotional affair, so she says just like you do, I never believed her & sorry I don’t believe your side of the affair story either. IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU NEVER HAD SEX OR NOT! IT WAS AN AFFAIR, YOU TRESSPASSED, HE WASN’T YOURS, HE WAS COMMITTED TO SOMEONE ELSE=HIS WIFE, HIS CHILDREN, HIS EXTENDED FAMILY, HIS FRIENDS, NOT YOU!!!! So you NEVER fantasized about having sex with your EA cheating husband & he never fantasized about having sex with you? You & your EA cheating husband NEVER talked about having sex with each other? You & your EA cheating husband NEVER talked about what a wonderful life you two could have together? There a 3 truths to every affair, your truth, the cheater’s truth & the REAL truth GOD’s! Again OHC, I & NO ONE ELSE on this site hates you! We just throw the BS flag @ anyone who doesn’t take ownership/responsibility, doesn’t show TRUE REMORSE, IS UNAPOLOGETIC, wants understanding/sympathy for the choice/decision You & ONLY You made to engage in an inappropriate relationship with someone else’s Man (MIND/MEAT)!!!! I hope you NOW understand the MAIN THRUST of my response, it isn’t about the sex, it is about the TRESSPASSING you did to someone who never asked, voted, wanted or needed You in their life, their marriage, their relationship, their children’s lives, their extended families lives & their friend’s lives!!!! Good luck & best to you OHC. Peace

                • OHC December 30, 2014 at 2:47 pm #

                  We never discussed sex or having a life together outside of his marriage or if his marriage ended. We also never discussed his wife, except when it got to the point where she kicked him out of the house, but even then it was limited

                  As I said, I am not saying it wasn’t an affair, just because we didn’t have sex. I’m not saying it wasn’t wrong, it was. I don’t disagree with what you are saying, I never have. It was completely inappropriate for us to have the relationship we did, for him to hide me from her, for us to say I love you–all of it. I don’t deny that.

                  All I was trying to say in my original post is that he and I don’t hate or blame each other. We still care about and wish the best for each other. We had genuine feelings and we gave that up because the best thing possible was for him to try to save his marriage and his family. And he has, at least for now.

                  My last point, which may be controversial, is that I don’t feel like I owe more than I have already given. I gave up a man I love very much, I quit my job, I moved, I suffered the financial and career consequences of that decision, I gave up 4 years of my life that I could have been dating, I struggled with depression. All things that were the sequelae of my bad decisions. But I don’t owe more than that. I don’t deserve to spend the rest of my life plagued by guilt, I deserve the chance to move on as much as the WS who returns to his wife does.

                  I made mistakes, big ones. I tried to take actions to correct those mistakes. I’m not going to lie and say I hate him to make other people feel better. I don’t hate him, my relationship with him changed me in many wonderful ways. The end of our relationship and the shame of what we did shaped me in other ways. But how can I hate him when it was my choice? How can I forgive myself and not him?

                  At some point everyone needs to suffer and release their pain to move on, even the other women you all demonize. You don’t see their pain, so it’s possible to think they don’t go through anything or to be happy that they suffer. But some portion of OW are just normal people out there trying to live their lives. We don’t have horns on our head, we have friends and families and careers. We are just people and we fell in love with the same men you fell in love with, for probably very similar reasons.

                  OK, that’s all for now. Again, I’m sorry for what you went through. Truly, I am. I hope you and your husband on on the road to recovery

  32. Gizfield December 26, 2014 at 8:49 pm #

    I can only speak for myself obviously, but I don’t think most commenters on this post and the others on this blog normally ever “attack” a person, especially one requesting help. What some people identify as criticism, negative comments, “hate”, etc, is directed toward their actions. As it should be.

    Adultery is an action. It is wrong. Always. In all circumstances. No matter who is involved. It destroys marriages, families, lives. There is nothing good about it. So when you get on an Affair Recovery Website and start reminiscing about Cheating in a positive way, you probably won’t get a real positive reaction to that. Even if you do, that is not going to help you in any significant way. Because if you are engaging in a wrong action and romanticizing it in any way it extends your involvement and helps no one. Especially yourself.

    When I post as a former Cheater, which I do occasionally, I never expect anyone to condone what I have done, directly or indirectly. I certainly don’t condone it for myself or any other person.

    What has totally surprised me and still does, is that some people, only a few though, have criticized me for being critical of Cheaters and Cheating. That I will be more tolerant of it, kind of like we have a kinship, or shared experience, or whatever. Really? I did it, I hate that I did it, I’m disgusted by it. It is always wrong. There are no exceptions.

    Whether the offender is me, or someone else.

    • Tryinghard December 27, 2014 at 3:01 pm #

      Lolololol. ME THINKS SHE DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • M December 27, 2014 at 3:52 pm #

        It is fascinating to me that you believe the only people who could possibly disagree with you are cheaters. Have you always believed you are 100% right about everything or is that new, since your husband’s affair.

        The only thing I protest AGAINST is people treating others with disrespect or acting like they are better than others, particularly people they have never met. Most people are human and make mistakes. I try to see the best in everyone. I’m sorry that your husband’s affair robbed you of that ability, if you had it in the first place

        Good luck

        • Gizfield December 28, 2014 at 12:19 pm #

          I don’t think expressing your views on adultery means you “think you are 100 % right about everything.”

          My idea that adultery (i.e., cheating, infidelity, affairs, emotional affairs, WHATEVER you want to call it) is wrong always isn’t my original idea. It is a commandment from God. It is the only reason Christians are allowed a divorce. In many places it is still an illegal action. According to most surveys, somewhere around 80 to 90% of Americans believe it is wrong. So, it is a very serious offense, and not just according to me or anyone on this blog.

          Just because M’s friends didn’t “drop their pants” is just a technicality. The trump card for the We didn’t do anything wrong group. Plus, who knows if that is even true? Cheaters are not known for their truthfulness.

          My question for anyone who defends cheating is this. Why is it so difficult to admit that it is wrong? Whether you had sex or not, you lied to defend an inappropriate relationship. I’m willing to bet that if your friends worked together, they had at least some form of inappropriate physical contact. A little hand holding under the table, a back rub, stolen kisses in the break room. Anything you should only do with your spouse is cheating.

          • gizfield December 28, 2014 at 1:22 pm #

            Also, adultery is a legal ground for divorce. As is “inappropriate marital contact” which covers pretty much everything else that is not sexual intercourse. Consult a lawyer if you don’t believe me.

            Most employers also will terminate you for fraternization if you have your affair at work, because using time that you should be working to engage in cheating is “stealing”time from them. Just like cheating if you have a family is stealing resources like time, money, attention, etc. that.should be directed to the family. If you want to “live single” get a divorce. Put all your cards on the table and deal with the reprecussions and consequences in a legitimate way.

    • betrayedchump December 29, 2014 at 1:43 pm #

      Thank You Gizfield for your HONESTY, TRUTH & OWNERSHIP of being the Cheater! I admire your strength, courage & insight you have shown to all of Us on this site! It is hard to put your neck out on the chopping block when you open up your mistake/bad decision that you made to become a cheater to all of Us on this site! RESPONSIBILITY, to bad ALL CHEATERS don’t OWN what hurt/pain/suffering they have done to ALL involved in their affair!
      Peace!

      • Gizfield December 29, 2014 at 2:05 pm #

        Thank you, Betrayed Chump! Peace to you, as well !

  33. Tryinghard December 27, 2014 at 4:35 pm #

    No actually M in your protestation you must have said it 4 or 5 times that you weren’t an OW. Well you sure sound like one!!!

    Congratulations you passed high school psych class. You bet it’s projection onto the OW and well deserved projection at that. Im also assuming you are projecting calling me a horrible person as that is what you believe your MM wife was. I’m assuming you’ve been through therapy too. Maybe you should ask for a refund.

    I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life. The biggest one was not listening to my gut and naively trusting people. Yep learned my lesson on that. Look I still stand by my words. This chick didn’t make a mistake, she made bad conscience choices over and over and over again. There’s a big difference. Had she come here and expressed her remorse for interfering in another persons life and how she felt horrible for the pain she caused there would have been a different narrative. That’s NOT what she did. She made excuses and tried to pass them off to us justifying her disgusting behavior. Sorry I didn’t buy it and I don’t buy your sorrow for her. You need to wake up and realize not everyone is nice. Not everyone is sorry. People are narcissitic sociopaths and yes I believe many cheaters are just that. Entitled brats! You choose to think I’m a horrible person for calling people on wrong thinking and bad behavior, so be it. Your opinion of me means NOTHING!!! And good luck to you Polyanna hope those rose colored glasses work out for you

    • M December 27, 2014 at 5:20 pm #

      I never called you a horrible person. I just said it is impossible to tell what sort of person you are just by knowing you are a BS and reading this blog. The same way it is impossible to tell if the author of the post is a good person or a horrible person just by what we know of her.

      You are clearly in a very, very angry phase of whatever you are going through. So again, good luck to you. I don’t wish you any ill. I just hope that at some point you get a little perspective back about people and respect. As a favorite blogger of mine often wrote, being a BS doesn’t make you a good person and being an OW doesn’t make you a bad person. You don’t have a free ride to treat everyone and anyone with disrespect just because you were cheated on. Your post drips with disdain, bitterness, anger and hatred–all because I said I thought the group should treat the guest author a little better. Surely that isn’t the real you. I bet if you came back and read this in 5 years you would be ashamed of the volatility in your reaction. There are ways to disagree that are respectful

  34. Tryinghard December 27, 2014 at 5:28 pm #

    And one more thing M. You say you don’t like judging people. Well guess what we judge people every single day of our lives. It’s human nature. It’s instinctual. You say you don’t judge but you did when you said we all thought we were better than others. That’s ok I guess. Well let me validate YOUR judgement. I don’t think I’m better I KNOW I’m better than a cheater. You see I live my life with integrity, honesty. I don’t take things that I haven’t worked for. I don’t covet. I don’t screw other people. I honor my commitments. I don’t break commandments over and over again, ok well some times I do use the Lords name in vain but I apologize for it :). Yes I think every BS here is better than their cheating spouse. They’re all better people. And yes even those who have cheated and own up to it, accept total responsibility and don’t talk like some love struck teenager who just couldn’t contol their urges are better people. You were the own who judged that our spouses “miss” the AP. Well who the F are you to judge that??? You my dear are a hypocrite!!! I’m pretty sure my husband misses the OW like he would miss pink eye! And yes that’s a judgement. An educated judgement!!!

  35. Nephila December 27, 2014 at 5:32 pm #

    Actually actions ought to be judged. As a betrayed spouse no, that’s not an action by definition. But an OW and her defenders…those are actions and damn straight they should be judged. All OW deserve our distain because of the actions they chose. Those actions tell us all we need to know.

    And I know it wasn’t directed at me but no in 5 years I will not be ashamed of judging right from wrong and being distainful and disgusted by all who defend cheaters and cheating and minimise it as a mistake.

    Respect is earned, and anyone who defends an OW or cheater has forfeited that. They showed by their actions they WERE a bad person. And their only hope of being a good person is to recognise that. And neither you nor the author has done anything to indicate that. But the fact you have to keep saying you’re a good person tells us more than if you just kept quiet and let us judge you by what you support.

    It is by actions not ideas that people live.

  36. M December 27, 2014 at 5:42 pm #

    Nephila, you know I don’t deign to interact with you or even read your comments (like the majority of the sane blogosphere) but thanks for showing up! You’re like a bad rash…

    Tryinghard, I wish you well. Maybe someday you will realize that there are a lot of things worse than being a cheater with feelings. Sounds like maybe your husband was one of the ones just out for sex? If that makes you feel better, then go with it, embrace it. Whatever gets you through the day

    Goodbye and happy new year!

  37. TryingHard December 27, 2014 at 6:00 pm #

    Aw snap M. You are so eloquent. And there you go judging again. You have no idea why my husband had an affair. If you do fill him and me in on it will ya!!!
    I’m just curious. If you’re not an OW and not a BS why are you cruising these sites? Was your Mom an OW, your daughter, cousin, aunt…. How does this site serve you? Or are you just here to educate us because you’ve already said you don’t need an education. What value do you think your comments possibly have? You disrespect all the posters here. What’s up with that. What did anyone here do to you to show disrespect? You obviously have some kind of sad sick agenda to be here. Biut I’m glad glad you are. You’re brave! Truly validates my beliefs about those sad pathetic OWs who are cast aside like yesterday’s trash. Come back;). This is fun!

    • M December 27, 2014 at 6:28 pm #

      I was good friends with all three parties in an affair, closest to the WS and OW, although I know the BS as well. It’s been a roller coaster ride, as I work with two of them. But I know each of these people as individuals, knew them before the affair started, saw the effects on all of them. When you know the individuals as real people, good people, and see what their relationships are really like, you don’t judge in quite the same way.

      In this case the marriage has stayed together, but I think it would have been better for both of them if it hadn’t. They were never a great match and had been unhappy for years. A classic “staying together for the kids” situation, which always seems like a bad idea to me. The OW was a better fit for him, but obviously not with an affair as a start. She was very good for him, but he was very bad for her. Not because he is a bad person, but because he never handled the situation well. He was a bit of a coward, really. He’s a good friend still, but of everyone, he is the one I’m least impressed with in terms of how they handled things.

      And if he tried for one second to say bad things about the OW, I wouldn’t believe him. I saw the pain he went through when she ended things, I saw him get drunk and almost ruin his career and cry to me. I see how he still lights up when she enters a room. And I see how painful it is for her to keep his distance from him, but she does it and she is professional. She is the one who ended things, but she was very much in love. As was he. We all knew it, anyone could see it. You would have to be blind not to see it

      The OW I know is far from trash, by the way. She is smart, funny, kind to everyone, well liked. I know it’s convenient for you to think of them as worthless, gives you an outlet for your anger, but as I said before, you don’t actually know everything in the universe. The BS in this case is likewise smart and funny and beautiful. Just not in a very well matched marriage. And look at that, I can like all of them and understand how the affair came about, how it ended, and still like all of them. Amazing how real life works

      I think I am far from disrespecting all of the posters here. That is a bit of an exaggeration. You must be new to this world if you don’t know that Nephila is banned from almost every site, even ones not about adultery, except for a few really angry BS blogs. And I have simply responded to your attacks on me, which have been vicious right out of the gate, despite the fact that my original post wasn’t aimed at you at all.

      Again, there is a way of disagreeing without being disrespectful or saying someone adds no value. The funny thing is that if I WERE an OW, you would still say I add no value, despite the fact that this whole post is about the view of the OW!!!! You are just off in cuckoo land right now. Settle down and come back to the table with your eyes open and the realization that not everything happens the way YOU think it should

  38. Tryinghard December 27, 2014 at 6:50 pm #

    Well this is a weird hobby. Trolling infidelity websites and sticking your nose in others relationships. And on a Saturday night no less. Don’t you have a life? You know there’s a lot of great hobbies out there. Strange your interests are toward the more prurient side of other people’s lives.

    I have no doubt your OW friend is not trash. No one said all OW were trash. You have to admit she might not be too bright choosing an affair with a married man or is she just really young and inexperienced. Look no doubt there’s attraction. We all experience attraction. This person who wrote this article talks about her attraction right from the beginning. Now you sound like you might be a reasonably intelligent person. Maybe your married maybe your not. But if you’re attracted to a MM wouldn’t you have some clue in your mind to say “hhhmm gee whiz, he’s married, unavailable. This probably won’t end well for me.” I mean no one else in the world has had affairs that didn’t end badly especially for the OW THAT COULD BE USED AS AN EXAMPLE, RIGHT? How do you justify that these people can’t control their primal urges.
    And sorry but I call BULLSHIT on staying for the kids. Lots of people with kids get divorced and the kids are just fine. Staying for the kids, or finances or any other reason is just another lame romantic fairy tale excuse. Look he’s there with his wife because that’s where he wants to be. Quit making excuses. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Who knows why this loser cries on your shoulder but more to the point why do you let him???
    I see how you are judging our experience through the lens of your vicarious experience with this triangle. I hope your BFF OW learned a good lesson and moved on to someone who deserves her. She may be a really wonderful person and has accepted her responsibility in what is most likely the worst decision she ever made. And well M there you go judging again. Cuckoo??? Come on you can do better, right. Maybe you need to step away from the computer and quit butting your nose in other people’s lives. It’s a big beautiful world out there. Quit involving yourself with other people’s problems I doubt they appreciate much either.

  39. Nephila December 27, 2014 at 7:06 pm #

    Nope having an affair makes you trash doesn’t matter what you were before. Did the OW show remorse and then get the hell out of the BSs life? No, didn’t think so. Yep, trash is as trash does. Says it all by her actions as does M.

    • M December 27, 2014 at 7:32 pm #

      Maybe the WS should get the hell out of the OW’s life….I don’t see him quitting his job. Not sure why she should quit hers. If his wife has a problem with it, HE should quit. He’s the one that is married, that is totally on him. The OW doesn’t bother her in any way. She is very classy, as is the BS.

      Not everyone is on board with your stoning of the OW, Nephila. Although I guess ISIS is, you should move there! I think they share your views on women in general…

  40. M December 27, 2014 at 7:20 pm #

    Yes, I do have a life. But I would hardly call 7pm late on a Saturday. that says more about you than it does about me. Where I am from we have another hour or so before dinner plans get under way.

    Are you really trying to say that your husband’s affair had no effect on any of your friends? That they didn’t feel like they had to do some research to know what they were doing when giving advice? I felt it was responsible for me to read up and I know what my WS was told in therapy. After a while you get used to the community and it’s like checking FB or other sites, you want to see how people are doing and how their story progresses.

    I never said HE said he was staying for the kids, btw. Both he and his wife have mentioned it to me. In fact, she mentioned it to me BEFORE the affair. So go figure. I think they love each other, btw, but this is how some people live their lives.

    As for the OW, when people work together and there is a major attraction, there isn’t always an easy way to escape the person you have feelings for. She didn’t plan it. She didn’t go to a bar and pick up a married man and then become surprised by what happened. They started working together and after spending a lot of time together, they fell in love. It’s pretty simple. I don’t think she thinks of it as the biggest mistake she ever made, but she learned a lot and is trying to move forward.

    And who said I was butting in to any of their lives? Again, big assumptions. I was one of the few confidantes they trusted.

    And with that, it is time for me to get ready for my night out in the big beautiful world. A world that is a lot more beautiful to me, obviously, than to you. I still see the good in people. I don’t have a cheating husband at home. I am not angry or bitter at the world and I don’t think people who are happy are silly pollyannas. I am a lot more aware, though, of how what starts as a small space between spouses can grow to chasms and lead to affairs. That lesson is one I take to heart, not that there are bad people out there and it is best not to trust anyone. Don’t take anything or anyone for granted, be kind, and judge actions, not people. That’s how I approach things

  41. Nephila December 27, 2014 at 7:23 pm #

    Yep there are bad actions and we should judge them, and Ms and the OWs count as bad actions. Glad she finally gets that haha.

  42. TryingHard December 27, 2014 at 7:34 pm #

    Umm no no they didn’t M and I didn’t ask for advice and they didn’t serve any up!! They minded their own business. They loved and supported me. They held my hand when I cried but the offered no advice. I would have been insulted had they. Ah yeah. You have a very weird concern and interest. Now you’re just boring me. Have fun on your pretend date. I’m pretty sure you dont have a husband cheating or otherwise!!!

    • M December 27, 2014 at 7:39 pm #

      You are such a strange woman. Sometimes it becomes really clear why the husbands cheated.

      You should really spend some time with Nephila. I guarantee you will be fast friends

      Goodnight and good luck with the rest of your marriage, however long that lasts…

      • Blue January 14, 2015 at 1:24 pm #

        I realize this is an old post, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how mean of you saying ‘Sometimes it becomes really clear why the husbands cheated’

        That really stings!!

        You see, if the Cheaters were such wonderful people why didn’t they seek help? WHY?! The majority of people on here are BSs. Our cheating spouses failed to tell us our marriage was in danger and that it needed help. You can bet we’re angry! scared! resentful! We’re married to a coward no less. How is sneaking around helping your marriage at all?! It’s so devious! What the f*ck is the ‘purpose’ of marriage supposed to be anyway?! It’s a VOW to keep your family safe, and if you can’t keep your VOW you’re failing at keeping your family safe.

        The BS can’t plan or fix things when they don’t have the true information of what’s happening n their marriage. It’s just common decency not to cheat your family, no less than that.

        To say that someone is a ‘good’ person, but just not to their spouse or the AP spouse? How is there any ‘good’ in that? It’s cheap, cowardly and the easy way not to try and seek help from professionals before you go for the ego-f*ck. It hurts others directly and indirectly. I feel it’s because of shallowness and ignorance.

        I know you won’t reply, you probably think I’m full of hatred, but we’re just full of HURT. You never did reply as to why the your BFF OW was so much better for the cowardly guy than his own smart, funny and beautiful wife (your words)

  43. Broken hearted December 27, 2014 at 7:51 pm #

    M, I’m having a hard time understanding why you are here posting at all. According to you, you are neither the cheater, OW or BS. So why do you feel the need to attack any BS? I’m sure there are many OW out there that are remorseful and even decent people who made bad choices. But I 100% agree with the BS’s on here the act of cheating is selfish. The cheaters and OW don’t consider the BS or kids at all. Actions speak louder than words and you can stop things. All affairs have moments where they can stop and many choose to do so. And if you feel the need to justify and excuse your behavior than you really didn’t grow. If you make a bad decision own up to it without excuses or justifications. It’s sad when an adult has to blame others for their poor choices. Maybe your friend is a good person, but cheaters lie to all and she still went to far. I’ve had co-workers who were married hit on me and I avoided them so again that’s just an excuse. And again don’t know why you are here. This is a place many of us come to meet others who know what it’s like to be betrayed in the worse possible way and not be slapped by someone who has no clue what’s she talking about. So if you want to have people feel sorry for your friend go to a web page for the OW. None of us feel sorry for the idiots that contribute to their own misery then try to blame others or justify it like a three year old.

  44. TryingHard December 27, 2014 at 8:36 pm #

    AHA!!!!! I knew you’d say it sooner or later you fat assed, lonely busybody!! Get a life you freak !!! And you are a fFREAK. I bet your pretend friends are laughing their asses off at your pathetic life. Probably as sick of you as I am. You are so predicable and tedious AND borrrring. Not get back to your romance novels!

  45. blueskyabove December 27, 2014 at 11:12 pm #

    Well, that was unattractive.

    • Tryinghard December 28, 2014 at 10:22 am #

      I’m sorry Bluesky. It was. My bad. I’ve had enough of her. She has no idea what she’s talking about. She’s actually pretty irrelevant.

  46. Tryinghard December 28, 2014 at 1:11 pm #

    Giz
    I agree it’s absolutely wrong. I have a hard time when folks decry that wrong doers are really nice people or they are victims of their FOO issues. Someone robs a bank, or steals the pensions from old people, or rob banks, or burn down businesses for their own sense of right have no recourse other than to admit they are wrong and pay your penance. Certainly not all AP are trash. Some are. Some go on to truly regret their roles in destroying lives and accept their responsibilities. I did not read this in this guest posters story. I cannot and will not tolerate the feeble, tired and cliched justifications. And sometimes viscerally!!!

  47. gizfield December 28, 2014 at 1:36 pm #

    Thanks, Trying. This whole infidelity issue is so destructive that to see anyone defend it for any reason is disturbing to say the least.I will never forget my husband emailing his girlfriend he was upset having to spend time “playing a Bored game” with his five year old daughter instead of texting her sorry co cheater ass. That should be dispicable to anyone.

  48. Blue December 28, 2014 at 2:06 pm #

    I have so much to comment, but little time due to family festivities still happening.

    M: I’d I wish you would tell me How is the OW better matched than the wife?

    How can anyone even begin to understand the complexities of this man’s marriage (M’s friend). A few talks, drunken crying.

    Marriage and raising a family is one of the most complex and intimate relationship one will ever have, affairs are so ego driven- and there is no commitment. Excitement because it’s secret.

    If the cheater put as much time into trying to enrich his/her marriage as they put into secret meetings, texting, whatever, they might have realized they were no less than half the problems in the marriage. My CH was very surprised when I let loose one day on how he’s disappointed me in our marriage. He had no idea he was part of the problem, and it really opened his eyes.

    How can you ever know who’s better matched? Marriage and raising family and keeping it together is the way harder than meeting up for a fuck and smirking at each other across the boardroom with your big secret, telling each other how hot they are, how connected you are with them. Give me a break! Does OW deal with his sharty underwear, nose picking, belching, farting?? She will if she gets to marry him.

    It’s between the husband and the wife whether what their marriage is worth- not anyone who is a ‘friend’ A friend who is not a friend of their marriage no less.

    I had a hard time believing that my CH didn’t love the OW- he said he had feelings for her but never loved her, that she stroked his ego-it was easy. He said if he really did love OW he would have done everything to be with her but he’s not, he’s doing everything to be with me. I even told my husband, if you want an open marriage then I obviously have the right to know DUH!!- and date also. He said he couldn’t stand the thought of me with another man, but he doesn’t feel anything thinking of the OW with another man. In fact we heard through the grape vine she might have another guy- even though she’s married and he said he was so relieved because he really doesn’t want her affections any more. He is worried that she’s still pining for him and afraid if he isn’t at least congenial at work that she might turn into a bunny boiler- she has shown tendencies of stalking us. We have kids so this is not ok.

    I don’t have enough time to say why he still works at the same place but give me a break- he’s the major bread winner and job offers are not as plentitful as he thought when he was at his cockiest. He’s trying to find other work, changed positions at work and she still gets ‘placed’ in his areas every once in a while. I’ll have to ask him if she’s still ‘lighting up’ the board room. Maybe she is…eww.

    Gotta go- guest are here.

  49. Gizfield December 28, 2014 at 2:25 pm #

    Great post, Blue. So true.

    • Blue December 28, 2014 at 3:23 pm #

      Thanks Giz! The guest arrival was just my kids friends.

      I have one more burning question for M (but she’s probably long gone)

      M said: And if he tried for one second to say bad things about the OW, I wouldn’t believe him.

      Why do you think he would say ‘bad’ things about the OW? She lights him up with just her presence you said. Sure she brought out the lying, cheating, std scare in him, with not only his wife but deceiving his coworkers- not you though M. Why in the world with all this love for her would he have anything at all bad to say about her. When my H says anything derogatory about OW- pretty sure it’s the truth as he knows even her name brings me back to what he did and he doesn’t like us ‘there’

      Also M: Even though I’m talking to air as you’ve probably run for the hills: How is it that she is ‘good’ for him’ He is ‘bad for her’?? How so?! How is it that you know them all so well when you just work with them? You would actually have to ‘live, sleep, eat, raise children, do chores every bloody day to really really know them- this is fact in my opinion. At work people put on their ‘work hat’ My CH says he didn’t ‘know’ the OW even after a year and working with her all day.

      Also Also M: This OW friend of yours is ‘professional’ What? now? Fucking and/or flirting with your coworker is NEVER ever professional!! It’s embarrassing to even see flirting… Unless your workplace is Ashley Madison? WTF!!! Seriously?! I would love to put out a survey at your place of employment and see how many people think ‘gosh, I’m so happy that OW is getting all his attention, getting accolades, promotions, whatever, and all they’re doing is emotional connecting & fucking’

      I’ll tell you this, my CH came home to me after being with OW and made love to me and said I make him feel so safe, he’s do ANYTHING for me. (of course at the time I didn’t know he was putting his pecker in her wretched vagina.) He’s pretty insatiable and I suppose this is the kind of guy who cheats more often. Ughh.

  50. Gizfield December 28, 2014 at 3:58 pm #

    I’m with you, Blue, M seems to be awfully involved with this situation with two co workers. And she’s a confidant of the wife as well? I’ve never heard of someone being involved with people on all three sides of the adultery triangle. How does that work?

  51. Tryinghard December 28, 2014 at 6:37 pm #

    Ok this is easy. M is Mr Cheaterpants secretary. Probably has been for years. She likes him admires him. He pays her well and she gets a big fat bonus from him at Christmas. M does everything the way Mr Cheaterpants likes it done so he acts like he’s interested in her life. Her work and the employees are her life. She’s knows his wife but is jealous because they have a nice life. Nice home, cars, family vacations but M just doesn’t think the wife truly appreciates him because well she goes to get her hair done too often and spends his hard earned salary frivolously. His wife just doesn’t get that he’s under so much pressure. So Mr Cheaterpants had an affair with a really beautiful, professional woman who is not, btw, a secretary like she is. M admires the heck out of this woman. Wishes she were her. Wishes she had Mr Cheaterpants and not the OW or the wife, both of whom she knows but knows the OW better because she works with her. OW and M talk A LOT and M keeps the OW filled in on what’s going on with Boss Cheaterpants. OW has to keep M in her court so she’s nice to her so she can keep tabs on Loverboy. M feels sorry for her. She’s sees her as a wonderful person, smart, and very accomplished in her career and if it weren’t for the pesky wife the two star crossed lovers could have a happy life. M’s a romantic and truly believes Boss Cheaterpants and OW are soul mates. They have their work in common and well in her world that’s all that matters.

    Now I also think M is single. Her work is her life. She trolls blogs like this so she can be of help to her boss and her co-worker. I’m pretty certain she’s never read any books on infidelity or affairs but garners enough info from the Internet to act like she knows what she’s talking about with them. She has no other life and nothing better to do. I mean seriously, I have some pretty close friends but I know none of them have researched infidelity as an excuse to help me. Difference is they have their own lives and I would think it pretty weird if they did, just sayin. I digress, so also if the affair goes away how boring would her job be then, PLUS Boss Cheaterpants won’t need to cry on her shoulder nor will the OW. Then what value is she.

    I actually think she’s posted on other blogs that I’ve read and has been blocked on them. Her writing style is too familiar. I think she has incredible nerve to come to a blog like this where we are trying to support each other through this hell we’ve been handed and try to defend AP’s. All I know is I don’t intend to read anything else she writes here but I gurantee she will post again under a different name. Soo there you have it. Just my theory of M:)

  52. Nephila December 28, 2014 at 6:43 pm #

    Good theory tryinghard, but my money is on her being an OW blogger known as openheartedconfesssions who only knows the wife through facebook 🙂

    The writing style and method is strikingly similar. Then again they all sound the same. Like “Aubrielle”. I wonder why “Aubrielle” was even invited to post that, I mean surely EAOrg can see she adds nothing but the same old same old. It’s an insult to our intelligence to think we would buy her self-servicing and exculpatory story. Clickbait is God, clearly.

    • Tryinghard December 28, 2014 at 8:17 pm #

      Nepalis

      Oh my that was a weird place, openheartconfessions!!! I only read a bit but it gave me the creeps. I know the Internet is a dangerous place to be and there are a few blogs that I find supportive and others are just informative. I like Chump Lady. She’s a no nonsense se snarky person so I relate. But she gives great advice. I don’t ever post because she really advocates leaving a cheater and well I’m a reconciling BS. I like her articles but not many of the comments. Most are folks who never had a chance to reconcile so the choice was made for them. There are many smart people there though. I think she has a huge following.

      As I said I like reading the OW blogs but I NEVER comment. That’s their place to go and get support and not a mouthful from me. Besides nothing I could say would make a difference. I do get a kick out of their pain, and yep that’s projection on my part. I hope the OW who was complicit in interfering in my life is miserable:)

  53. Doug December 29, 2014 at 10:35 am #

    Whoa! I take a few days rest from the computer and things get all dicey! Do you have a website address for this openheartconfessions? I’m curious to check it out and can’t seem to find it.

    • TryingHard December 29, 2014 at 11:11 am #

      LOL Doug. See when Dad isn’t supervising the inmates run the asylum.

      I just googled openheartconfession and it comes up. It’s pretty creepy and underdeveloped, so fair warning!

      Hope you had a great Christmas with your kids and Linda.

      • Doug December 29, 2014 at 1:20 pm #

        Well, for some reason when I Googled it earlier, nothing came up. Now this time it did, however the site seems to be down. Oh well, back to work I guess.

        • OHC December 29, 2014 at 5:21 pm #

          Doug, I’m not going to get into the rest of this mess over M, but I am Open Heart Confessions (OHC) and I shut down my blog in July, that’s why you aren’t coming up with anything. I wrote for about 6 months, got to a healthy place and decided to stop writing, in part because of the nastiness of the BS like Nephila, who would stalk my blog and leave ten or twenty nasty comments a day (all of which went into the spam folder, but you still have to clear that out)

          Nephila has accused me of being several different bloggers she doesn’t like. The other one was Jane or Jayne, I can’t remember how it was spelled. She even tried to break down the grammar to prove I was the same person. Basically, she thinks anyone who disagrees with her is me.

          Trying Hard, whatever you found was not my blog, it has been completely deleted and gone for almost 6 months, I can’t even access it anymore. So whatever was creepy was not mine, sorry to disappoint you

          I won’t comment here again, I wrote one note above and one response, but it’s clear this isn’t a healthy place for me to spend time.

          • Doug December 30, 2014 at 8:58 am #

            OK OHC, thanks for letting me know about your blog. I thought I was missing something. I’m glad that you feel you are in a healthy place. Best wishes to you.

            • OHC December 30, 2014 at 1:00 pm #

              Thanks. Best wishes to you as well

  54. gizfield December 29, 2014 at 12:36 pm #

    OHC, yes I have had to move across the country to help a “friend” save his marriage. Not !

    The continued contact between you and this man is jeoparding his marriage. And yours, but you didn’t mention one so maybe you are single. If you dont believe it, ask his wife. I know if I ever find my husband contacting his “special friend” in any way, we are done.

    The fact that this was never exposed and you are still in contact is “leaving the door open” for this affair to continue. If you believe he has “no agenda” for telling you he “doesn’t regret” the cheat ing and that “you will always have a special connection” , please think again.

  55. gizfield December 29, 2014 at 12:46 pm #

    Also, OHC, I doubt his marriage was anywhere NEAR the “brink of divorce, “. That’s standard cheater talk to affair partners. If it were true, he would have left her when he found you, I’d think. Did he contact a lawyer? Move out of the house? Express his marriage concerns to anyone but you? I mean feeling “real love for 4 years” should beat out a self professed crappy marriage every day. I’m not trying to hurt your feelings but your residual “fond feelings” for this guy can’t lead anywhere good. My opinion, only, of course.

    • OHC December 29, 2014 at 5:32 pm #

      Again, I don’t want to get into details, but they were on the brink of divorce, from HER side, not from his. Wasn’t cheater talk. He was kicked out of the house, she told everyone about it. Most of what my group of friends/colleagues know about how bad things were came from what she was telling people, not him. He was pretty open as well, but he never spoke about his wife with me, we just never talked about it

      I’m not a naive 20 year old, don’t assume everyone is stupid. My fond feelings are just fine, as I said, I’m not in love with him anymore and am dating (I am single). His fond feelings for me are just fine too, his marriage is absolutely his priority, there is no doubt about it.

      It may not make sense to you, but how often do you truly understand other people’s relationships? Mine with my former AP or his with his wife? I have never claimed to understand their relationship, I know almost nothing about it and I have never met her. All I know is that it was in a really bad place and now it’s in a more stable place

      One last thing. OW get a lot of crap for not taking responsibility or ownership for things. Moving and taking a new job was really difficult for me. It was not easy at all and you made fun of it and yet, that was me doing my best to take ownership for what happened and remove myself from a situation. Why do you all sit around making fun of people instead of supporting those who try to make the right decision? Isn’t this a blog that is supposed to support doing the right thing?

  56. TryingHard December 29, 2014 at 1:31 pm #

    You’re not missing much. It’s a freak show cornucopia. I think the only lesson you could learn is how NOT to create a blog.

    Have you looked at Chump Lady? I know she is heavy handed on dumping the Cheater but she has a lot of very valid advice. I like her. I found her on The Huffington. She presents well, is funny as hell, also pretty snarky! LOL shocking that I would like her right?

    Anyway, much more worthwhile blog to read rather than the other.

    • Doug December 29, 2014 at 2:30 pm #

      I have read her blog a while ago. I think she is a really good, funny, and as you say – snarky – writer. But as you hinted at, she does not believe too much in reconciliation.

  57. Gizfield December 29, 2014 at 1:42 pm #

    Well, God, I’m a genius. OHC is open heart confession, aka M. no wonder my husband could lie to me so easily. I’m an idiot, lol.

    • TryingHard December 29, 2014 at 2:30 pm #

      Giz
      You are far from an idiot!!! I admire you too for your taking responsibility for your poor choices and making the necessary changes in your life. Not for the sake of your marriage but for yourself and the welfare of your daughter.

      You and EO are very brave good people. I admire the heck out of you two. Doug as well for putting himself out there and admitting to his bad choices and NOT blaming others.

      I told you M would post under another moniker! These people live their lives in constant fantasy. I feel sorry for them. This is a crazy world and it’s good to know there are people out there like this. Fore warned is fore armed!!

      But seriously let’s quit talking about openheartconfessions. It is so creepy. Every time I read the name it’s like I’ve walked into some squalid crack house. Sends shivers up my spine!!! Creepy Freaks!!!!

      • OHC December 29, 2014 at 5:38 pm #

        You couldn’t have read my blog, it’s been deleted for months. I’m not sure what you read that was so creepy, but it wasn’t mine

      • Gizfield December 30, 2014 at 12:37 am #

        Ok, I will upgrade myself to “naive”, which I truly am a lot of the time. And on behalf of EO and myself thank you for your kind words.

  58. Nephila December 29, 2014 at 4:38 pm #

    ROFLMAO! Isn’t it funny how I mentioned I thought she was M and she turned right up? Haha. I am going to claim this one as a good pick. Like the time she posted as “Jane” pretending to be a concerned friend and later a BS but sounding just like OHC defending the OW (and having the same IP address).

    Anyway, hey ho, her desperation to stick the knife in is actually funny you know. Why is she so desperate to convince us that our husbands are still fond of the OW? Because she is terrified its not true and she just wasted 5 years of her life and her chance of having a family for nothing. Poor thing.

    I am a cynic and proud of it. I didn’t believe him when he first started to see through the tart. It took nearly 2 years for him to convince me. But I am sure of it now, more than 4 years down the road and it is pretty clear how much he despises her and why: because her behaviour and his own at the time disgust him. It has motivated him to change as much as possible and the more it’s made clear she hasn’t changed a bit the more she disgusts him. It’s not even hatred it’s just she makes him want to vomit (which he actually did once when she was trying to force her way into his workplace).

    I come back to the question though, what was Doug thinking in letting “Aubrielle” post her delusional story? Though our responses have been good, it was obvious there was no revelation or learning in her post, there was really no point to it at all except self justification. Why shove that down the necks of BS? Haven’t we all heard those same lines a thousand times already? No value add in her, or in M/OHC.

    • OHC December 29, 2014 at 5:36 pm #

      Nephila, being the brilliant person that you are, you might notice that my post was written several days ago, on the 27th–before you mentioned me, my dear. It was only approved by Doug today.

      I am in touch with M, from IHAA’s blog, and she tipped me off to this conversation.

    • Tryinghard December 29, 2014 at 6:32 pm #

      OOMG Nephalia you were right!!!! Good job girl!!! M/OHC same person. I’m pretty sure I’ve read her rants on another bog as well. She was right about one thing you and I could be very good friends!!

      I have to ask Nephalia, OHC/M is not the OW in your life? But if she is how lucky are you. This is a certifiable bunny boiler, sociopath!!! This type of AP would certainly send a cheating husband running back to the safety of his wife and family!! I love how she insists he still cares about her, loved her, blah, blah, blah. I can almost hear her foot stomp across the Internet “damn it HE DID LOVE ME!” I don’t know if she’s trying to convince us or herself

  59. Gizfield December 29, 2014 at 5:37 pm #

    Just for the record, lies of omission are the same as regular lies. The intent to deceive is the same.

    • OHC December 29, 2014 at 5:41 pm #

      Ummm, was this aimed at me? Not sure I get your point

    • OHC December 29, 2014 at 5:46 pm #

      Sorry, Giz, I shouldn’t have responded. This always happens, I get sucked in then remember why I quit the blogs in the first place. This is just an unbelievably unhealthy atmosphere. I’m sure you have a lot of opinions based on your experience, some of them I would agree with and some of them I wouldn’t. With respect, I am not going to engage anymore.

  60. Nephila December 29, 2014 at 5:45 pm #

    LoL Giz’s point is well taken. It was not I who parsed your turn of phrase and compared it to Jane. It was someone else. Lies from a liar, how very reaffirming 🙂

    I thought you were going OHC?

  61. Gizfield December 29, 2014 at 5:47 pm #

    Nope, it’s a general observation.

  62. Nephila December 29, 2014 at 5:59 pm #

    General question to all:

    What kind of man cheats and is not horrified and disgusted with his actions and the acrions of anyone who condoned him (famy, friends, definitely OW)? How is he not a much worse person for not holding them and his own past behaviour in contempt and disgust? Cheating is one thing. Keeping it as a special little thing is quite another.

    Second, what kind of woman isn’t horrified and ashamed at having done a terrible thing to a woman who did nothing to her? What kind of conscience do you have to have that it is so comatose not to feel mortified and ashamed of that? And that’s true whether the wife ever knows, and whether the wife is someone you would like or not. You still bled her marriage and the fact you had an I side accomplice never detracts from that. A woman having a selfish streak and taking what she wants with no care for anyone else I can understand, but not to ever look back and see that for what it was and be ashamed? That’s a whole other level of evil.

  63. Tryinghard December 29, 2014 at 6:35 pm #

    OHC/M/Jane
    You needn’t bother addressing me anymore. I won’t read your comments. I don’t care. You are a very troubled person. You’re right this isn’t a safe place for you. A padded cell is!!! I hope you find help soon before you hurt yourself or someone else.

  64. Tryinghard December 29, 2014 at 6:47 pm #

    Certainly not one who is having a successful reconciliation Nephalia!!!

    • OHC December 30, 2014 at 1:18 pm #

      Reconciliation with Nephila is not something that I or anyone sane would ever have on their to-do lists

  65. Tryinghard December 29, 2014 at 6:56 pm #

    Ok just Googled openheartconfessions AGAIN and sure enough there it was. She may have shut it down and it my be a cached version, but right there are all the goofy, creepy posts. You see once something is on the web ITS THERE FOREVERRRRRR!!! It goes to Tumblr. So now it stalks legitimate blogs like a cockroach……Ooooo Tales from the Crypt….

    • OHC December 30, 2014 at 1:03 pm #

      Honestly, whatever you are coming up with is not mine. It’s deleted. Like I said, I can’t even access my posts anymore. They are erased

  66. Nephila December 30, 2014 at 2:14 am #

    M why should the married man leave his job and put his wife (the only victim here) into another state of flux? It’s not about you vs him (a point lost on all OW) it’s about what’s best for the only victim. And even when there is a husband, it’s just a fact that her leaving her job will affect him less. Why should the OW have no consequences? I assure you the husband who stays has plenty.

  67. Gizfield December 30, 2014 at 12:18 pm #

    Ok, I have been thinking about OHC story,and one thing just does not add up, to me. She says they were “in love” for four years and that they never had contact physically and that he never even mentioned sex. Even though they were never apart all week traveling, 14 hours a day. Supposedly, his wife ignores him, so what is he, a monk?

    also, the wife is not the least bit jealous, suspicious, concerned at all by this relationship. This leads me to wonder if ohc is so “unattractive” in some way that there actually was no “affair”. Maybe it was one of those “limerance” situations where she is in love with him but he really sees her as a buddy, co worker, etc.

    I’m only using ohc story because it’s in the blog . They may be madly in love and she may be Marilyn Monroe for all I know. I do just wonder though if some affairs are figments of one party’s imagination.

    • OHC December 30, 2014 at 1:16 pm #

      There are reasons for everything, but as I’ve said before, I don’t want to go through all the details. I wrote about this for over 6 months and I don’t want to get into it again. I just told my story to offer a different viewpoint.

      I will just say that while we were in love for a long time, we didn’t actually admit that to each other until 3 years in. Personally, I think emotional affairs are a lot more complicated than physical affairs and involve a lot more self-deception. He and I both told ourselves it couldn’t possibly be true that the other person was in love until it all spilled out in a rather public way.

      I would never say I am a raging beauty, but I’m also not unattractive. I’m told I’m pretty. He, on the other hand, is extremely handsome, so maybe you are right. Except for the fact that he has always been the one more willing to express his emotions to me and has told me multiple times he loved me, that he is closer to me emotionally than to his wife, that he considered me his girlfriend, etc. I only told him I loved him once in all that time.

      Honestly, though, the details of my story are unimportant. The point was supposed to be that real emotion can exist and people don’t always hate each other once the affair is over. That’s all I was trying to say

  68. Gizfield December 30, 2014 at 12:44 pm #

    A good example of what I’m talking about is Mr. Drysdale and Ms. Hathaway. On the Beverly Hillbillies. They spend a lot of time together, no traveling though. Occasionally he compliments her, maybe hugs her, and she construes it romantically which is funny, because we know it’s not.

    Mrs. drysdale is not jealous, lol. No imagine if Ms. Jane looked like Ellie Mae. That creates an entirely different dynamic.

    There are also a few times in the series where they hint that Ms. J ane has a secret crush on Mr D.

    • TryingHard December 30, 2014 at 1:39 pm #

      Hey Giz
      Have you watched Orange is the New Black on Netflix? If not, it is awesome, I think you’d like it. Anyway there’s a character, her character role is Loma Morello on the show, and she is completely delusional. She’s in prison for credit card fraud, but she thinks she has a boyfriend on the outside. Story is she met him at her mailbox and he was friendly and said hello to her. Big mistake on his part. From that point on she lived in fantasy land about who this guy was to her. It’s a great show. Just sayin……:) .

  69. Gizfield December 30, 2014 at 1:36 pm #

    Ohc, thank you for your response. Theres no need to go into your story any further if it’s upsetting for you. I hope that you find your peace regarding this situation.

    • OHC December 30, 2014 at 1:38 pm #

      Thank you, I hope the same for you

  70. Gizfield December 30, 2014 at 2:04 pm #

    Iwill check that show out, Trying . I’ve heard it’s good. Right now my husband is viewing the Breaking Bad series, and monopolizing the tv.

    And yes, that character you described is EXACTLY what I’m talking about.

    • TryingHard December 30, 2014 at 2:48 pm #

      Giz
      BB IS television Meth!! We watched all of it. Quite an implication on human nature, egos, rationalizing you name it. Very well done. LOL we would binge watch till our butts hurt!!!

      Anyway check out Orange when you’re done. I think you’d like it. Also House of Cards is awesome too.

      Yeah, I thought we were on the same page here 🙂

  71. TryingHard December 30, 2014 at 2:51 pm #

    Doug, Here’s the link

    http://openheartconfessions.tumblr.com/post/81662722047/confession

    • OHC December 30, 2014 at 2:56 pm #

      Yep, as I thought, not mine. Even Nephila will back me up on this one, unless she is going to blatantly lie. She was a daily visitor to my blog

    • OHC December 30, 2014 at 2:57 pm #

      This is the link to what used to be my blog

      http://openheartconfessions.wordpress.com

  72. forcryin'outloud December 30, 2014 at 11:15 pm #

    I haven’t visited here of late but I’ve sure picked an interesting time to recheck things out. This thread has taken on epic proportions to say the least!
    Kuddos to TH for calling the waddling creature a duck and blasting it with a fire hose! This post and the subsequent thread just reaffirms my opinion of the OW clan.
    I firmly believe if these affair things are the cosmos finally aligning for these poor pathetic souls to come together It would have never started or existed in the abyss of darkness.

    Just a footnote…funny thing was my H lost interest in his OW way easier and much quicker than I did. I dwelled on the pathetic “zero” for years giving her a lot of attention and power she never had nor deserved.

    • Tryinghard December 31, 2014 at 8:15 am #

      Hey FCOL
      I was wondering where you were! LOL yes you did get in on a dandy thread :). Anyway you said a mouthful!!! I too have the OW too much time in my life. My H was so over it. I could actually see him shudder when her name was mentioned. Too bad that didn’t happen sooner for all of us right? Just yesterday I was driving and I thought hey I haven’t thought about OW for a while and it felt good. Hopefully she’s forever gone from my thoughts. Time and work does heal.

      Happy 2015 to you

      • forcryin'outloud December 31, 2014 at 1:39 pm #

        TH – Yes too bad it didn’t happen sooner which reaffirms my theory that if my H was thinking like a mature adult none of this would have happened. Happy ’15 to you and continued success on this journey.

  73. TryingHard January 14, 2015 at 2:02 pm #

    Blue,
    OHC actually said that in volley of posts between her and me. I knew it was coming, it was just a matter of when. I knew by calling her out on her bull that she would pull the trump card and sure enough she did. Of course I answered equally as low by calling her a fat ass because, well what woman on earth wants to be called a fat ass??? Of course I have no reason to believe she is or is not a fat ass. I just felt like reaching below the belt and sucker punching her as well 🙂 I shouldn’t have done it but well she was wearing on me.

    Of course there are some OW/OM who believe that the BS deserves what they are getting because of 1.she’s frigid, 2.she spends too much money,3.she doesn’t work and doesn’t appreciate what her husband does for her 4.she’s fat, ugly, pretty, skinny,smart, dumb…. you get the idea. It’s called justification for their own poor standards.

    I am grateful OHC joined in on the conversation even though I was particularly harsh with her, but my bull-shit-o-meter has been set on high ever since DDay so I refuse to patronize her bullshit! Also I tend to learn more from adversity.

    So that being said, OHC validated my notion that 1.I NEVER want to have a convo with the OW in my life because well I just may have to punch her in the nose if she ever said the things OHC said, 2. going to jail for THAT so wouldn’t be worth it, or maybe it would be 🙂 3.these folks are devoid of empathy. They CANNOT see any other side but their own. They hold true to the idea that they owe the BS nothing because after all it wasn’t they that made the vow to us and besides, we’re just “ghosts”. Which brings me to the final conclusion that UNREPENTANT cheaters are Sociopaths!! Societal rules don’t apply to them particularly with respect to that all encompassing emotion LOVE. To hell with respect, dignity, integrity, forthrightness, they are in LOVE and to hell with anyone and especially the “ghosts” if they get in the way.

    Yes I’m angry when I think of the betrayal and there is a great article in Psychology Today that talks about how health anger is. “The Upside of Negative Emotions” is the title and I suggest that anyone who feels bad about feeling angry read this article. Whatever on that whole “good girls don’t get angry” crap!

    So I intend to deal with my anger and even be grateful for it because anger is the impetus to instill change in your relationships. It is the most powerful Mack Daddy of emotions and do not in any way apologize for having it. If I didn’t have anger I just wouldn’t give a shit and be long ago divorced!!! So yes I advocate anger even to OHC. She should be angry at herself for allowing herself to be hoodwinked into an obviously toxic relationship with an unavailable person and angry at the MM who suckered her into his dysfunctional world! She should be angry every time he calls her and tries to pull her into his crazy orbit again. She should be angry that she has not other words for the relationship other than to call it a “friendship” when she knows damn good and well it’s not because with friends like him, WHO NEEDS ENEMIES!!

    • Blue January 14, 2015 at 2:45 pm #

      Trying- You are so funny (bull-shit-o-meter) and spunky!! and you’re well spoken, but you let the ‘shallows’ get to you. There’s usually no getting to that level without a dry ice heart.

      That whole thread during the holiday’s was surreal. Whoever that person M is, she really got mean fast. She really didn’t get how much negative emotion is caused from being cheated on, especially where a vow was made not to. I wonder what she would think if a person at her work stole her purse at work. How would she look at this person knowing they were a thief? The spouse and family of the Cheater are being robbed of their choice and respect. Is that not worth more than a purse?

      BTW- nowadays ‘Fat Ass’ might just be a compliment with all the butt implants out there. One thing I wouldn’t want to be called is Weasel or Predator or a Skank. So far so good.

      • Blue January 14, 2015 at 2:58 pm #

        Another BTW Trying- I think it was M you called a ‘Fat Ass’ not OHC. It was M who said ‘sometimes it becomes clear why husbands cheat on their wives’ like she’s right there living with the husband.

        I do think there are remorseful exCheaters out there, but there are just as many that feel entitled. These are the ones that make my blood boil.

      • TryingHard January 14, 2015 at 3:02 pm #

        LOL Blue on the fat ass implant!! I love J Lo and Beyonce for just that reason!!

        M or whoever she was didn’t scare me. I come from a LLLLLLong line of very strong women. I learned early to stand my ground and “poke the bear” if I needed to. Nothing either of them M/OHC/LMNOP whoever or whatever they were didn’t intimidate or influence me at all.

        And I agree I’ll take any name you want to throw at me but one name they can’t throw is CHEATER!

      • Strengthrequired January 15, 2015 at 4:34 pm #

        Blue, my husbands ow called me a slut…. Yet she is the one that was chasing and ended up sleeping with a married man, I was the one that was actually married to him. Lol. So if I’m the slut, what’s she? Lol

    • OHC January 14, 2015 at 5:05 pm #

      It was M you had the interaction with, not me. I have refrained from engaging with you. So you may want to change your rationale for what you wrote, since M is not an OW

      • TryingHard January 14, 2015 at 5:32 pm #

        Whatever!!! Makes no difference to me.

        Besides how do YOU know M is not an OW???? What makes you so sure??? Maybe she is, maybe she isn’t 🙂 The sweet mysteries of anonymity.

        Besides, I thought you weren’t going to interact? Not a safe place blah,blah,blah, or did M say that? Never can tell who I’m talking to here. You just can’t resist can you? You are a real hoot OHC/M/LMNOP–whoever you are today.

        • forcryin'outloud January 14, 2015 at 7:58 pm #

          TH I’m laughing my ass off with the alphabet snip.

        • OHC January 15, 2015 at 12:52 pm #

          Just making a correction because you claimed I said something negative to you that I didn’t. I wanted it to be very clear (not to you, who clearly doesn’t care, but for other readers) that I haven’t said anything negative to you, despite your baiting.

          And I never said I didn’t feel safe, what I did say is I stop telling pieces of my story and engaging in conversation when things turn negative. I believe it’s better for everyone

  74. Gizfield January 14, 2015 at 10:05 pm #

    Wow, you stay off the internet a few hours, and all hell breaks loose, lol. I spent the afternoon going to my daughter’s Awards Ceremony at school, doing laundry, working on the Girl Scout cookie order, watching Trollmaster on Chiller Channel, and going to church. I’m too tired to make a coherent comment.

  75. Nephila January 15, 2015 at 12:29 am #

    For everyone’s reading list when you want a chuckle

    http://mckismeisreallyme.net/2015/01/12/for-ms-ann-and-lady-m/

    I’ve seen TWI (aka M) deny her role elsewhere. These women really have no limit to self deception and the funny thing is they all sound the same. Even “Aubrielle”.

    • TryingHard January 15, 2015 at 3:53 pm #

      OK went there Nephila. I don’t get it, weird :/ So are you saying this poster/posters are this blogger? Sounds like it. The blog resembled a pooly written romance/porn novel from the little I read.

      Ulk, gives me the willies there are creeps like this in this world! Thanks for the link. I may go back and read more.

  76. Rachel January 15, 2015 at 1:25 am #

    How come OHC has a beach scene near her name?

    • TryingHard January 15, 2015 at 3:50 pm #

      Because Rachel she loves sunsets and moon beams and long walks on the beach with dysfunctional married men. And she likes to collect pretty, shiny sea shells that she pastes to cardboard in the shape of hearts that she sells on Etsy for $5.00 each.

  77. TryingHard January 15, 2015 at 2:06 pm #

    OHC/M/whoeveryousayyouare

    You are a tenacious little biscuit aren’t you?

    Since I truly believe OHC and M are one in the same your “rationale” is a moot point.

    I truly feel sorry for you OHC. I think you are so misguided and don’t know how to find your way out of it. It is so sad that you want see the forest for the trees. But you are going to to do what you want when you want to do it. I think it’s sad when someone goes through life with no empathy.

    How would you like the shoe to be on the other foot? What if you were the wife, ignorant to what was going on? How would you feel about YOUR role then? And to still stay in contact with this MM under the guise of “friendship” is nothing but semantics, excuses, and parsing words.

    I would have wayyy more respect for you if you said, “you know what I’m staying in contact with him because I am really hoping he will leave his wife(the ghost) and we can have a relationship. I’m keeping the door open for him” Because really, this is what you are doing whether you want to admit it or not.

    I think you should just try and live by the Golden Rule for a while: Do Unto Others as You Would Have Others Do Unto You. It’s simple, I think you should realllly consider it.

    You talk about “boundaries” but really in essence you have none. No contact, is no contact. There is no earthly reason to “stay friends” with him. Your making excuses.

    I know you think I’m mean and hateful and maybe I am. I can live with that but I just DON’T buy your story.

    Trust me deary, you DO NOT want to get in a war of words with me! You aren’t smart enough, witty enough, worldly enough, or fast enough to get anywhere. You’re too easy for me to chew up and spit our in any kind of verbal sparring match. I don’t have the time or the inclination to go back and parse every statement I’ve made to you on this thread, OHC/M/ orwhoeveryouaretoday.

    So with that I call UNCLE!!!! You do make me laugh though 🙂

  78. Gizfield January 15, 2015 at 3:23 pm #

    I was just thinking about this. I believe all the “friends” talk is ridiculous. I got that same shit from my husband. My thoughts are this. Single women should not be calling married men without their wife’s knowledge. Same for married women and single men. Unless they are related by blood. I dont call my husband’s friends, his brother, my male coworkers and never have. You know, if it were one call FOR A SPECIFIC PURPOSE , and it’s not in secret, ok.

  79. Gizfield January 15, 2015 at 3:45 pm #

    Think about this, as an experiment. But dont actually do it, lol. Pick one of your husband.s friends, or family member, or one of your co workers. Make sure it is someone who could be considered “attractive” sexually. Just send them a sweet little “thinking of you” text, or give them a Secret call to “check on them”. Maybe a nice private, secret lunch at your city’s most secluded romantic sushi bar. You get the drift. What would your cheater think of that? Not anything good, I guarantee.

    • OHC January 15, 2015 at 4:46 pm #

      I have to tell you, if this what you think an emotional affair looks like, you are way off, at least in my experience. I know some of the people on this website are on here to learn. And all I have to say is that if you suspect your husband is having an emotional affair, but all you find are pretty normal looking emails, that doesn’t mean there isn’t an emotional affair going on. And in most co-worker situation there is no need to do anything in secret. Without exception, every time my AP and I were together was completely justifiable for work, as were our emails and texts. All of our emails were the property of our company, btw, which you also have to keep in mind if you are looking for evidence. The emotional part of our relationship tended to be in conversation when we were alone, but not secretly meeting. If his wife had called his assistant and said “Who is he having dinner with?” my name would have been on the calendar.

      I mean, I guess in an EA where you aren’t co-workers maybe it goes the way you described it, but I think co-worker relationships play out differently. Also, you may keep in mind that I have many friends I used to work with who are married and keep in touch with their old colleagues on a regular basis, whether married or single. It is not considered odd and I doubt they are getting permission from their spouses to have every conversation. I also doubt the spouses know who they all are. Yes, it makes a difference when one of those people had been involved in an EA, but to say it’s weird to have friends you used to work with who you keep in touch with is wrong, at least in my line of work.

      And at least in my AP’s case, his wife is now regularly spending time with and working out with young single men. It doesn’t seem to bother him.

      • Gizfield January 15, 2015 at 5:40 pm #

        I personally dont think I’m off base, at all. We all get it that you had complete, unfettered access to this guy five days a week. It’s like that sometimes. Many cheaters are people you trust. Family, friends, co workers. In those cases, the Contact isn’t the secret, the CONTENT is. I’m sure lover boy would love to see his professions of love announced in public. If he did, he would have done it. I have an opinion, I stand behind it, no one is required to agree or support it.

        • OHC January 15, 2015 at 5:50 pm #

          Well, that I agree with. I just meant, it’s not all out of the blue random texts saying “let’s have a secret dinner somewhere romantic.”

          More often than not, the two people in the EA have not had a full discussion of their relationship. Unlike a PA, where it’s very clear that the other person at the very least wants to have sex with you, in an EA there is a lot of confusion for a long time. While we both knew there was something between us and he had even started saying I love you, it took many years before he came out and defined his feelings and I admitted to mine. So the clues can be very subtle.

          Think Pam and Jim on the Office. They both liked each other and everyone else could see it, but the gestures were small ones–sharing inside jokes, arranging to sit with each other more, things like that. And even then it took years for one of them to admit to the other and when he did, she freaked out and said she didn’t feel that way. That was actually very realistic.

          Sorry, the only reason I am responding is that I know sometimes people are looking for signs if their spouse if having an affair and I just think EAs are harder to pick up on for a variety of reasons. But yes, the content and more often the connection between two people is the secret. The wife wouldn’t even need to hear the words being said to pick up on that, even if the meeting wasn’t secret

        • Gizfield January 15, 2015 at 5:57 pm #

          I know I have hundreds of people I know from the past. High school, college, apartments, co workers, clubs. Plus family all over the country. I would have to clone myself to keep up with all them. Most people focus on their spouse and kids, not their co workers or people from the past.

          • OHC January 15, 2015 at 8:17 pm #

            I have plenty of people I keep up with and who make the effort to keep up with me. Maybe just different by the work you do or where you went to school. It’s not unusual in my circle and I’m in my early 40s, so most people are married with kids. The people you work with are your professional network and keeping contact with them is very important, even if you no longer work together. Honestly it’s seen as kind of stupid if you don’t keep up those relationships

            • gizfield January 15, 2015 at 8:43 pm #

              I know everything I need to know about most people through facebook. It’s very informative. I found an old work friend a few days ago. We hung around a lot about 20 years ago. The other day we friended each other, texted a bit to catch up and that was that. I like her but I have dozens of friends I liked and still do. But they don’t need to be a part of my life now. That’s the past.

              • gizfield January 15, 2015 at 8:52 pm #

                I also have some facebook friends that I dated at some point. We parted on decent terms obviously, and have mutual friends. I don’t message or call them, either. That’s a personal decision. Like I said, I know all I need to know about these people. They don’t need a Welfare Check from me.

                Lol, my husband just told our daughter, “Think long and hard before you send emails. There’s no Unsend button.” Ya think?

                • OHC January 16, 2015 at 7:00 am #

                  I have friends like that too and I agree it’s a personal decision. But there are plenty of people who do stay in more active touch. And this has really nothing to do with EAs. I spent an hour on the phone yesterday with someone who used to be my boss. I speak to him every 6 weeks or so. I have dinner once a week with a married friend who is commuting to my city every week for work.

                  You know what they would find really strange? If I asked them if their wife knew we were having dinner or talking on the phone. Much stranger than an email saying hey, I’ll be in town next week do you want to meet up.

      • Strengthrequired January 15, 2015 at 5:53 pm #

        Ohc, maybe it doesn’t bother him because he trusts his wife, she hasn’t done anything to betray that trust. However, if she was to show him that she couldn’t be trusted, his interest would be peaked, and it would not her him.
        I doubt as well, he is going to tell you if he is bothered by how his wife is working with young men, he knows that he crossed the line with you. I am sure you haven’t heard what he tells his wife in closed doors. You may actually be surprised.

        • Strengthrequired January 15, 2015 at 6:02 pm #

          That was supposed to say would bother him. Not it not her him. Lol

          • OHC January 15, 2015 at 8:12 pm #

            I have never claimed to know what they say behind closed doors. I have barely been in touch with him for 18 months. I was just making the point that Giz felt that if a cheater knew his spouse was spending time alone with a single member of the opposite sex they would be uncomfortable. So maybe you are right, maybe he hates it and tells her all the time. Doesn’t seem to affect what she does, if that’s the case

  80. Gizfield January 15, 2015 at 4:03 pm #

    I think there would be three possible outcomes to the experiment. The guy would act weird, wondering why you are contacting him and tell your husband. He might act weird, not tell your husband and avoid you. Or he might be receptive to the “secret contact” and suggest you keep in contact. Which means you probably found yourself a potential or current cheater.

    • Strengthrequired January 15, 2015 at 4:32 pm #

      Giz, I think the Cheater wouldn’t be a happy Chappy. Yet somehow I’m thinking either the male person you send the text to, will either ignore or say something to the husband that they received this text from you, or will think his lucky days have come. Lol.
      I believe my husbands friends would tell him.

  81. Strengthrequired January 15, 2015 at 4:27 pm #

    Why are there posts that can’t be seen or missing?

    • Doug January 15, 2015 at 4:51 pm #

      Hey SR, I see your posts and others from Blue both on the blog and in our admin area. Not sure if there was something temporarily wrong or if it was something on your end.

      • Strengthrequired January 15, 2015 at 5:04 pm #

        Thanks Doug, started to think I was dreaming, lol.
        Can you see them if you weren’t logged in the admin?

        • Doug January 15, 2015 at 5:12 pm #

          I just checked it out on another browser while not logged in and I saw all the comments.

          • Strengthrequired January 15, 2015 at 5:38 pm #

            Thanks Doug, not sure what’s going on, I stil can’t see anything. Saw it fine yesterday. Ohhh well.

  82. Strengthrequired January 15, 2015 at 4:29 pm #

    I posted yesterday and I noticed blue and a few others did, but they can’t be seen either.
    I even tried to post without being logged in like I normally do, amazed I could remember the password to log in with, But the post didn’t even show.

    • Strengthrequired January 15, 2015 at 6:35 pm #

      I checked through my phone and still couldn’t see the posts. Weird. Probably gone the same place as the ow, or at least where she should be, ” never never land”

  83. Gizfield January 15, 2015 at 4:43 pm #

    Hey, Strength, my husband’s girlfriend called me the C Word. Yes, a c#&t. I told her she was a real class act. I will hate him til the day I die for messing with someone that common and slimy.

    • Strengthrequired January 15, 2015 at 5:42 pm #

      Giz, she really was and is a piece of work. I’m sorry you had to deal with someone like her.
      I still struggle everyday, because I just don’t see my husband in the same eyes I used to. I still love him dearly, but that innocence is nolonger there. Infidelity is such a terrible thing, life just isn’t the same after it. I still can’t believe he sunk so low. Hard to fathom.

      • gizfield January 15, 2015 at 8:35 pm #

        You are also one of the sweetest people on here, too, Strength.

  84. Rachel January 15, 2015 at 6:26 pm #

    Giz,
    My husband called me the C word.
    I had that word.

    • Strengthrequired January 15, 2015 at 6:37 pm #

      Rachel, let’s just say, your exh is an idiot. You are no where near the c word.

      • Strengthrequired January 15, 2015 at 6:43 pm #

        Change your c word to, courageous, unselfish, nice, enchanting.

        • Strengthrequired January 15, 2015 at 6:46 pm #

          Sorry can’t spell lol
          Change to – courageous, unselfish, nice, trustworthy.

    • gizfield January 15, 2015 at 8:33 pm #

      Rachel, he is a moron. You are one of the nicest, sweetest, most classy ladies on here. So glad you dumped his ass.

      • Rachel January 16, 2015 at 1:15 am #

        Ohhhh thank you Giz!!!! 🙂

  85. Rachel January 15, 2015 at 8:33 pm #

    Thank you strength! You’re the best!!

  86. Nephila January 15, 2015 at 9:07 pm #

    Nothing OHC or M or any OW has said here amounts to more than “waaah! But I didn’t do anything wrong! And I should have no consequences!”

    Either it is inappropriate and wrong and evil and bleeding the marriage like a leech, or its not. Very few affairs start with a random “hi wanna fuck?” And those that do I take my hat off the the woman, she knows she’s a hooker at heart and she doesn’t fight it. But the affairs like OHCs are more deeply evil. and the OW in them are deeply in denial. They think its lurve. They think contact is ok. They think they’re not doing any harm now. And they think that they know the “truth”. Oh and they truly believe they are good people. That is the funniest bit. Poor Jack’s Wife if only she knew she was worth so much more.

  87. Alexis B. September 23, 2015 at 12:29 pm #

    So, at the possibility of being tarred and feathered, I’d like to share my story.

    I was young. So young.. and I worked with a guy who was married. I knew he was married, he had kids.. he was a sweet dorky guy who was kind of shy. We worked together for years, and I’m a little flirty by nature. He was easy to talk to, and everyone went to him for advice. He was so easy-going, though, and shy.. so me and a couple of the other girls used to put stuff in his coffee just to watch his face when he drank it. We pulled other harmless pranks on him. It was our way of showing him we cared about him, I guess, and he was always such a good sport about it. We borrowed movies back and forth, but we were a close-knit group, so it wasn’t weird. We’d borrow a movie and hand it off to someone else. I always joke with people and laugh about things. Then he came in late, looking haggard. As a friend, I asked about it. He admitted that his wife was wearing on him. We were all in the back room, and it became a discussion about spouses and issues and whatever. We were all pretty open. Then I thought of something later and texted him to give him a date night idea. As time wore on, we texted more. It was personal stuff, but nothing sexual. Nothing about “us.” I was dating around, I was young and applying for different colleges. I honestly didn’t think much about this married man I worked with. He was kind of cute, and I had a crush on him.. but I thought he just saw me as a little annoyance to his day. I thought highly of him, and figured anyone he was married to was worth something, too. She’d caught herself a real prize, and someday, I wanted a husband like him. Not him… just someone like him.

    Then it happened. I got an e-mail one day, where he admitted that he felt like he’d fallen in love with me. He said it was out of the blue and he never meant for it to happen, but that things at home had been going so bad, and he was so unhappy… I sympathized with him, and admitted I’d always had a crush on him, too. [I suppose this was the point that the boundary was crossed.] But I told him that he needed to work on his marriage, and that if he needed me to switch to a different location in the company, at a different building, I’d put in for a transfer to make it easier on the both of us. I’d planned on doing that. He admitted he didn’t know what he wanted, and we left it alone.

    The next day, his angry wife came in, throwing our printed e-mail conversation on his desk.

    He never went home again, and they divorced a couple of months later.

    I know a lot of you feel like the author was wrong in her article and that she doesn’t take responsibility. But it’s not like everyone in an emotional affair even KNOWS it. I sure didn’t. I had no alarm bells going off.. like I said, everyone at work was pretty close, and this guy was fairly shy and not too open anyway. I didn’t imagine us running away, or him leaving his wife, or us getting married, or me meeting up with him in the cloak of darkness… none of that. I would never have touched the poor soul.

    But his wife blames me for their failed marriage, and his kids think I’m a homewrecker.

    Not everything is so black and white.

    • Faith October 1, 2015 at 8:47 pm #

      Your story still lacks the authenticity needed for you to see any true ownership to your own nature. Someday when you are married ……you may come to see that boundaries , and detail to attention in ones own behaviors is paramount to the possibility of affairs NOT happening.
      Above you state about yourself :
      I was young
      I am a little flirty by nature
      Your exchanging laughter, banter, movies, little ways to show you cared about him.
      He comes in one night looking upset and now he is speaking ill of his spouse?
      Then you admit to a crush
      Then you exchange personal texts and emails.

      YOU DID ALL OF THE ABOVE CORRECT?

      Instead of idolizing him a more mature or moral woman….no matter how “YOUNG” they are would say
      ” I’ve got to figure out a way to shut down these thoughts, it isn’t healthy, he’s a married man, and beyond that we work together , I’m going to make a point of reacting some distance with this guy and,y thoughts because this would spell trouble.”

      A much more insightful and thoughtful caring person might also understand that the ” work guy”. You all seemed to fawn over may not be the same person at home.
      Belittling your wife to a younger coworker tells me this man is emotionally immature and messed up. That’s totally inappropriate.
      And guess what else, you may have not been his first or last flirtation.
      What you must accept first is your own asinine behavior.
      Next to understand that you TRULY know NOTHING about this man in his REAL life at home. People present whatever they wish to the world around them.you even refer to him as a ” poor soul” My husband and many others portray their spouses as distant, uncaring or that we are somehow lacking. Usually they are totally different at home.
      When the truth is that it is usually the other way around. These people who take zero ownership to their own responsibility to a healthy marriage and blame their wives are more than likely at fault. They are emotionally checked out at home, self centered, critical, demanding, demeaning etc. notice even how non-specific they are with statements like
      ” my wife is wearing on me” you know NOTHING of this mans true history, true life or true emotional value in a REAL and COMMITED LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP!
      You were only a smaller portion of destroying a marriage where there was obviously nothing worth saving.But let’s b perfectly clear and honest….you ….YOU… Put a worm on a hook by saying gee whiz… I have ALWAYS HAD A CRUSH ON YOU TOO!
      You suppose this is where you crossed a line?
      You suppose?
      Your an actual human being with thoughts and feelings correct?
      Can you even begin to imagine being married and finding this is your spouses email?
      That IS BLACK AND WHITE

      Wake up and smell the coffee!
      You come across as very immature , somewhat clueless, and almost pitiful in your insistence that maybe… Just maybe this guy isn’t all he appears to be and much like him have averted the entire blame onto his wife. This woman was not overreacting but indeed totally appropriate in her outrage and disgust. If you have any hope at all in terms of a real or lasting relationship you may want to examine your actions with more depth, thoughtfulness, clarity, ownership and within reality .
      You at the end of the day only assisted in destroying something that was already damaged.

      So here is another scenario.
      When he comes in and is visibly upset… Your there as a friend… What you say is….
      ” I don’t think this is at ALL appropriate for us to discuss, you should speak to your wife or a counselor. I’m sorry your going through this but it is totally out of my ability to help you.
      Good luck and I sincerely hope it will all work out.”
      Then you now put up other appropriate boundaries knowing his marriage is rocky, no flirting, no texting, no emails beyond work discussions. I’d something comes through to you as overtly personal you call the other person out on it an say
      ” we work together , this isn’t cool with me, knock it off” or simply please stop
      The next thing you could have done was to not admit your crush….
      BUT let’s be perfectly honest here…. You were in that moment being self serving and self centered having your ego stroked and you LIKED IT. That’s why you gave the reply you did, so PAH-LEEZE your not going to convince anyone that this was done without a single solitary clue or intention to send a signal , you did, you did because you wanted to and wether you would act upon it or not wasn’t the point. It’s the point you were thoughtless and careless with other people’s lives.
      What you were was the straw that broke the camels back on their marriage.
      Who knows, maybe the ” friend he actually needed that night was someone to tell him ………go home to your wife and kids, tell her you want counseling.
      At least that is what a true friend would do .
      You did nothing but cause more damage to what was so fragile and broken to begin with.
      Maybe it was him, maybe it was her, but being a big girl and putting on your big girl pants means that it was probably both of them and life itself.
      That they were in a bad place that you by choice made even worse.
      My advice to you…, grow up.

  88. Alexis B October 2, 2015 at 4:00 pm #

    Such a lengthy, judgmental response. It’s no wonder husbands walk out on wives like you- you lack the basic human component of empathy. It doesn’t at all surprise me that your husband would describe you as being “distant, uncaring” or “somehow lacking.”

    Sorry, but if I had a female friend who was upset about the way her husband was treating her, I wouldn’t just assume that she has it all wrong and tell her to talk to a therapist. You’re the one who needs to grow up if you think men have cooties and you should run far away from them if they try to talk to you about important adult situations.

    But thanks for your very black-and-white response. I hope your husband doesn’t find someone else who listens to him before jumping to conclusions and word-vomiting her opinions and disdain all over him.. you might find yourself in trouble.

  89. Scharnhorst May 12, 2016 at 8:03 am #

    I realize this is pretty much a dead post but as the “Sean” in one of these, I was looking for an explanation of my experience and the article helped.

    Ms. Marin’s article is accurate and she doesn’t condone it, she explains it. My emotional affair was entirely virtual. We met on a hobby site and over time, we developed a friendship. I was married and she was living with her boyfriend of several years. Over time, the conversation spread to topics outside the hobby. Neither of us appeared to be looking for trouble. It was an unintended consequence.

    One day, I got an email from her that said her BF was cheating on her. She was looking for a shoulder to cry on and I made the mistake of giving her one. She was on the opposite coast, we’d never met, we’d never even spoken to each other. She was a friend and she was hurting. What’s the risk in helping a friend? The emails were never intimate but they became intensely personal. I became attracted to her. We tried to set boundaries but that didn’t work so we parted company.

    What she says in #4 is true. We were never lovers and we never will be. But, I did lose a friend. I don’t know if my marriage is stronger because of it but it’s still intact because as she got herself back together, she saw what was going on and ended it.

  90. Tanya February 13, 2017 at 9:34 pm #

    A bunch of excuses. The other woman in my case knew my husband was married all along. When he told her I knew and he ended it with her she continued to pursue him by any means possible. He blocked her emails so she started trying to get to him through Skype and even eBay. When he blocked her personal email she contacted him through the work email. Talk about desperate. He was upset at work one night and she heard this through another work colleague so she drove in to ‘help’ him. Unfortunately for her I also drove in to help him and there was a show down. But even that didn’t stop her. She was completely and utterly shameless, probably telling herself all the excuses the woman in the above article did. She even went on a social media campaign posting bikini clad pictures of herself on instagram looking like she was having a wonderful time…complete with hashtags that all had a double meaning. Then it was song lyrics. So embarrassing for my husband and I because work colleagues knew of the EA and it was her own public profile! There are just some people who have no integrity and are out for themselves. This only ended when my husband confronted her and told her to leave him alone. Even then she had the hide to ask could they be together if things between us didn’t work out! She must have serious internal issues to have behaved like this. Most women have more self respect than that!

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