The other night Doug and I had a conversation about his feelings during his emotional affair. After the conversation I began to think about how he kept these feelings to himself, and wondered how he was able to keep such a secret.
It seems to me that when someone falls in love they would want to tell the world how happy they are. But he kept it to himself, going about his day as if nothing had changed.
I wondered how he could come home every night to his family while he was keeping this secret. What was he thinking? How did he cope?
I wondered if he resented the fact that we were there, taking him away from his new love. What comparisons did he make between me and her? What faults of mine were magnified a thousand times? What justifications were expressed to relieve the guilt during his emotional affair?
I wonder how many of our arguments and his unkind words were spoken in order to push me away, so I wouldn’t detect his secret.
I imagine it was like living in Heaven and Hell at the same time. Was he in Heaven during the precious moments when he was receiving validation and attention from Tanya? Were there moments when there was no guilt because he felt that what they were doing was right because they felt they deserved it?
At the same time, he must have felt as if he was in Hell because he had to come home and face the reality of his grave situation. He had to face the confusion, the decisions, the person that he had become.
He had to face a wife who was living life as if nothing had changed, and who was oblivious to how he was feeling at the time. He must have felt that I didn’t notice because I didn’t care, rather than the fact that I truly trusted him and never thought something like this would happen.
Doug said recently that when a person realizes the pain outweighs the pleasure is when they will end an emotional affair. I think I reread those words a hundred times because I really couldn’t comprehend them.
I believe that when a person is deeply involved in an affair the pain is already outweighing the pleasure. They are just too blind and under the influence to see it.
I also feel he blamed the pain on me and never saw that he had produced the pain himself everyday by his selfish actions.
I imagine if he would objectively look back at his emotional affair, and think about all the moments of guilt, the lies, the things that he did and said to his family to maintain those moments of illusionary pleasure, he would realize that there was always pain.