It Just Isn’t Fair

It Just Isn’t FairMy mother has been bugging me since before Thanksgiving to find a weekend when we could all get together with my brother and his wife for dinner and to celebrate my brother’s birthday.

She knows I don’t like hanging out with them but she’s doing her best to push us together. She is blind to my brother’s past indiscretions – but that’s a story for another day.

I was able to keep her at bay for a few weeks until Doug opened his big mouth and said we were free this past Saturday afternoon. I shouldn’t blame him actually as he was unaware of what I was up to.

If you who have read about my brother and his situation, then you may know that I love my brother but his actions have continued to piss me off ever since his affair and subsequent marriage to the OW. And even though my new sister-in-law is pleasant enough in social settings, I am having an extremely difficult time warming up to her.

I’m nice to her. I’ve never said anything mean to her, nor have I said anything negative to my brother about her. But boy when we get home after spending some time with them, I let loose with some major league venting to anyone who will listen. Typically, that would be Doug.

Perhaps I’m colored a bit by my own past experiences, but I just don’t like her. And I think that more than anything, I feel it’s because she has manipulated her way into her own little dream life. (That’s not to mention the fallout that has devastated my brother’s kids and affected other family members.) I just don’t think it’s fair.

Here’s a woman who prior to meeting my brother had always been living one step above the poverty level. She’s been able to “work” her way into a lavish lifestyle thanks to my brother’s weaknesses, his high-dollar salary and his extensive assets.

This lifestyle is complete with a beautiful home on a golf course, maid service, a luxury automobile, lots of expensive jewelry, world travel, fake boobs, botoxed lips and $1500 Christian Louboutin boots. From what I can tell, she does nothing but eat, drink, sleep and shop.  What has she done to deserve all of that?

I really don’t know 100% about her past, but when one of her own “best” friends warned my brother about her, you kind of wonder why. I can’t help but think that my brother is a pawn in her very calculated plan to live a lavish lifestyle. And unless my brother goes broke, I’m sure she will do whatever it takes to hang on. (I foresee lots of plastic surgery in the future!)

My brother claims he has a pre-nup, but seeing that he has made questionable relationship decisions in the past, I wouldn’t doubt that she was able to talk him out of it. I know I sound cynical but I can’t help it.

Anyways, I just wanted to vent a little after spending a few hours with her last Saturday. I could go on and on but what good would it do? I’m so looking forward to Christmas day when we get to see my brother and her again for several more hours. (Ugh)

Since my brother’s kids won’t be joining us this year, we’re going to invite all of our friends over who have nowhere else to go. At least that way I can perhaps save myself some aggravation.

 

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11 Responses to It Just Isn’t Fair

  1. Beckyb2 December 19, 2014 at 7:17 am #

    Linda I am a confrontational person my way of dealing with lowlifes is probably different than most betrayeds is. If the situation cAuses you such internal stress SAY something to the two who are still in their Barbie bubble (plastic fake people have to hide who and what they are hence the Barbie bubble) let them know that the lowlife lack of morals and lack of love and lack of human compassion not to mention self respect or respect for his cheater wife are totally against the life/ person the man he was raised to be . SIN is SIN and God tells us to call it SIN to the faces of the ones living a false / fake life. We never are forced to lay down or be a doormat and let cheaters escape their own consequences by forcing their less than honorable fucks in our lives. What is wrong with letting the pain of exile from sweet loving people be their consequence for their choices? God tells us we have a God granted reason to divorce and God is crystal clear if your spouse is an unrepentant adulterer God says that is our God given right to never be abused . Unless your brothers ex wife was a cheater your brother is still committing Adultery with his new toy whether she is wife or not he is and from the sounds of his choices he will always be a cheater sad but biblically true.

  2. Gizfield December 19, 2014 at 8:17 am #

    She’s just another Gold Digger. As soon as he loses his money or she loses her “looks”, it will be all over. These broads are a dime a dozen. No, actually less.

  3. TryingHard December 19, 2014 at 11:10 am #

    Linda
    People of your mother’s generation think if there is an infidelity, especially from a man, that the wife must not be a good wife. SHE did something to “make him stray”. And if a woman has an affair, well she’s just a slut!! I don’t know, but maybe she never thought the first wife was good enough for her darling boy anyway so who cares if he traded that one in for the new River Betty!

    I think also your mother still sees her son as a little boy and believes he can do no wrong. Which maybe fueled his narcissism?? We mothers of sons have a tendency to do that 🙂 Sounds like your mother still idolizes her son, puts him on pedestal. That’s her prerogative, you don’t have to and shouldn’t do that. You bro screwed up big time and continues to do that. His pathetic Pygmalion attempt to clean up the River Betty he sadly married is his problem, right. He wants to spend his money on filler, botox, Laboutins (what a waste of perfectly good red soled shoes!!! OY!!!) is nothing more than him trying to make a silk purse out of a pigs ear! Have fun with your project Bro!

    You don’t have to like her. You don’t have to socialize with her, but if she’s invited to your home for whatever reason, you do have to be cordial. After greeting her at the door leave her and Bro alone to fend for themselves. I’m sure they will find guests who will find the two of them fascinating with her blown up lips and fake boobs and eye catching red soles! The opposite of love is indifference. Cold shoulder all the way. Blank stares to her comments. Don’t give her the time of day or him either. Look, he treats his own children like crap. I really doubt he cares what you guys think of him. He wants to force his choices on you because well damn it he’s special and you better recognize!!! After all Mom did, why can’t you! If Mom thinks he’s pretty special why can’t you just let bygones be bygones?? UGH who NEEDS it? You’ve got bigger and better fish to fry!

    Does your Mom know about Doug’s affair? It would be interesting to hear her take on what she thinks about her own daughter being on the receiving end of infidelity. Mom’s old and has her own ideas. I’m sure she wants nothing more than for all of you to be one big hap, hap, happppy family just like the old days. Getting you guys together last Saturday was her attempt to get you to “just get to know River Betty cause then you will see that Bro made the right choice”! Whatever Mom.

    I’m sorry you have to endure another holiday with them and without your nieces and nephews, but you’re a smart, stron girl. You can do it and you will do it because you love your Mom and your Bro. Be gracious for that reason, but you don’t have to be accepting and even pretend you guys can be BFF’s.

    Happy Holidays to both of you. I hope the two of you carve out some Just Doug and Linda time during all the chaos.

    • Linda December 19, 2014 at 3:13 pm #

      Boy you sure hit my mother’s mindset square on the head. Her little boy can’t do anything wrong and she said two years ago that his affair must have been his ex-wife’s fault. But trying to reason with her is like talking to a brick wall.

      My mom does not know about our situation and I shudder to think how she would take it and how she would view Doug if she knew. I’d never hear the end of it. It’s not worth the aggravation!

      Anyways, thanks for the words of encouragement and you have a great holiday as well!

      • Tryinghard December 19, 2014 at 5:41 pm #

        I hear you Linda. You don’t need to go there with your mom. About your brother or dougs affair. She lives in her own little Mom world. Nice for her.

        You’re lucky to be armed with this knowledge so you can move thru this like the wise woman you are:)

    • exercisegrace December 20, 2014 at 12:04 pm #

      I think TH nailed it. At this point in my life (late 40’s, surviving husband’s affair) I have broken the shackles of people pleasing. I have my own boundaries and people don’t have to like them, but they DO have to respect them. I can politely decline to participate in situations that go against my values and needs. Being around a sibling and his affair partner would likely feel triggery for me and simply would not be healthy.

      If you have to be around her, you are under no obligation to say anything to her other than hello. If you don’t want to talk to her, don’t talk to her. That is your right. If you don’t want her in your home, you don’t have to invite her. Our culture pressures people to accept cheating, and worse, when the cheater marries his/her whore? Somehow it is supposed to be accepted as legitimate. Somehow we are supposed to brush aside the devastation these two selfish people left in their wake. My fear would be that he will wake up one day and realize what and who she is. Pacifying his insanity may ultimately cost the family good relationships with his children.

      Many years ago, my husband’s brother brought an affair partner to a city where we lived (and their sister lived). She invited them to stay in her home. We stopped by unannounced and were shocked to find her there with “Bob”. I refused to speak to her and turned my back to her completely as they babbled happily about plans to return to our hometown and introduce her to the rest of the family. I straight out told him it was a huge mistake. She ended up crying in the bathroom and we left. Later we found out she broke up with him and flew home. She said she “never expected” the reaction she got from us. She was stupid enough to think she would be welcomed by the family with open arms, while my sister in law and nephews were alone back home.

      People make stupid, selfish choices every day. But we don’t have to embrace those choices or allow them to become OUR choices.

      So sorry you have to deal with this. Many thoughts, prayers and blessings to you guys over the holidays. What you do on this site is so appreciated by so many!

  4. Blue December 19, 2014 at 8:01 pm #

    Oh Linda, I feel for you. I love my brothers and sisters and it would tear me apart if/when they do something I find totally cruel. Maybe one day you can have a quiet talk with your brother about how torn you feel about his situation, how you see how hurt his children/ex-wife are and how hurt you would feel if this happened to one of your daughters. I dunno- easy for me to say….

    I hope your family have a wonderful holiday with the people you love and the same to all the good people on here that truly keep me sane during insane times.

    • Blue December 20, 2014 at 12:58 am #

      PS. I was thinking, what if one of my kids did what Linda’s brother did? Would I accept them? Now that I’ve been through what I have, I know that I would be devastated, but they would still be my kid. I think being a parent is one of the most unconditional loves you can ever feel, I feel that with my siblings and parents also. When one of my siblings disappoints me I usually distance myself for awhile. It’s so hard to totally break ties with family. However, I do know a woman who found her sister giving a bj to her husband. How f*cked up is that?! Another sister in the family, had an affair and her marriage broke up. They were all academics. What I’ve seen is that academia or religion doesn’t mean they have wisdom or integrity. Ahh…such is life.

      I pray for my kids to be good people.

  5. Paula December 20, 2014 at 8:01 pm #

    Hmmm. Good old infidelity, the gift that gives forever. All TH and EG said is absolutely on the money, and I know you are on the same page, Linda. And Lord no, your mother would be the last person to tell!

    I also think about what will happen if one of my kids is involved (either on the receiving, or giving end) of cheating, as is likely, it seems everywhere. They know I do not in ANY way accept it, and that it is a terribly painful thing. If they DO it, I will let them know I do not accept that behaviour. But, of course, they will still be my child, but an AP will never be accepted as an equal in my family. Tolerated maybe, just. NEVER accepted. Their father’s sister was an AP, she married him and had two kids to him after he left his first wife and child. Their mother (my children’s grandmother) was enamoured of her daughter’s husband. He lasted less than seven years before he was caught cheating again. I always thought, although I liked him, that it was terrible how “accepted” it all was. He was very much a once a cheater always a cheater type of guy, and even at 20, I could see that!

  6. overwhelmed December 22, 2014 at 11:58 pm #

    Linda, I too have a brother. And he too is a jerk. A few months before my own nightmare came to light, he and his wife divorced. And today, despite the fact that he and I still talk a few times a month, I think he’s an incredible jerk. His ex-wife, was THE best mother I have ever known. She and my wife-ish were best friends and I hoped for years that some of her grand mothering skills would sink into my wife-ish. Never happened. I still talk with my sister-in-law occasionally. I will not shut her out. I love her like a sister.

    But damn it, my brother thinks it’s OK to bring “her” to family gatherings? His old girlfriend from way back when.

    Get a clue bro. Nobody likes her. She is nothing compared to what you gave up you ass.
    (I feel so relieved to finally get that out there)

    So in closing, I get it Linda. Completely. And I sympathize. 🙁

  7. Lynsey December 26, 2014 at 1:54 pm #

    Hi Linda,

    As i was going through my own family’s typically dysfunctional holiday (thanks to my mom and her usual antics), i thought of you and your Christmas with your brother’s mistress-wife. Hope it wasn’t too difficult for you and you could enjoy the holiday with the people at your house who mattered to you. All the best to you & Doug in 2015.

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