Infidelity Discovered? 10 Ways to Calm Your Powerful Feelings

Linda and I were in Memphis all weekend for a soccer tournament, and we didn’t get back until very late, so we had no time to write a new post for this morning.  So instead, we have another guest post from Dr. Bob Huizenga about how to manage the powerful feelings after discovering your partner’s infidelity.

By the way, if you ever have the opportunity to go to Memphis, we really suggest doing so.  That is, if you enjoy live music, good southern barbecue and a party atmosphere.   We were with our kids, so we couldn’t partake in all that the city has to offer, but we did mention that we would love to come back another time to do so–without kids.

We talk a lot about how it’s important after an affair to work on recovering those lost loving feelings, and going away together for even just a weekend is a great way to reconnect with your spouse, and maybe get a little wild and crazy like you used to do when you were first dating.

OK, with that said, here is Dr. Huizenga’s guest post:

Infidelity Discovered? 10 Ways to Calm Your Powerful Feelings

by Dr. Robert Huizenga

When you find out about the affair, the first few hours, days and weeks can be emotionally wrenching to say the least. Or, if someone you deeply care about begins “pulling away” you may also experience intense feelings. Read through this list and pick out a couple things you can do to help yourself during these times.

1. Walk. Run. If you are fit enough to run. Work out. Get the blood flowing. Physical exercise drains off the adrenaline and physically you feel better. You also think better of yourself because you are caring for you.

2. Talk. If you typically handle problems by talking them out, find someone who will listen as you pour out your heart. Give them explicit instructions: “I need to talk, vent, cry, rage, and question. Just look me in the eye, nod your head and listen.”

3. Write. Get a kitchen timer. Set it for 5 minutes. Spend that time writing…anything, everything that comes to your mind. Don’t censor. When the bell goes off say to yourself, “OK, there it is. Now I need to get on to other things. I will come back later and write more.” Put the writing in a safe place or destroy it.

4. Find a safe place and spend some time there. Do you have a favorite lake, wooded area, park, room, chair where you feel safe and can “get away.” Intentionally spend some time there.

5. Use good “self talk.” Tell yourself, “You are ok. You will be ok. This too shall pass. What you are feeling is normal and will not destroy you.” Develop that “observing part” that can speak to your turmoil.

6. Pray. Meditate. Use your spiritual resources, if you have them. If you don’t have them, it can be a good time to develop them. Spirituality often affirms your worth and enables you to see the larger picture.

7. Be aware. Notice what you are thinking, how you are feeling and what you are doing. Pay close attention to these chunks of your life. Just noticing often creates distance from the emotional pain.

8. Encourage the rhythm of your feelings. Your feelings will come and go, often as in waves. There will be lulls and sometimes they crash. Notice the intensity and frequency of the waves.

9. Get professional help. Supportive therapy might be helpful. Personal and professional coaching, often via telephone, is a helpful phenomenon that is increasingly popular as a way to find support and direction for specific problems.

10. Gather resources. Start reading, exploring the internet and talking to people about your situation. Believe me, you are not alone. Many people have walked your path (well, not exactly your path, but close) and are there to offer their understanding and point out the bends and turns of your road.

Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website Break Free from the Affair for more useful information.

 

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7 Responses to Infidelity Discovered? 10 Ways to Calm Your Powerful Feelings

  1. Elle March 29, 2010 at 3:31 pm #

    Great advice. I truly believe when people learn to emotionally accept infidelity, including their emotions, and work hard to control them, then they are making strides towards understanding what’s happened and moving past the situation, whether they stay with the adulterer or not.

    • admin March 29, 2010 at 5:18 pm #

      Elle, Thanks for commenting. Your comment make a lot of sense.

  2. surprised June 5, 2010 at 4:22 am #

    This website has been such a huge help in helping me sort through my feelings & knowing I’m not alone. Thank you so much & God bless your honesty & help to others.

  3. alycon July 12, 2011 at 7:37 am #

    I obviously haven’t emotionally accepted what my H has done. I’ve tried most of the above and none of it has worked. Probably because my H said to me ‘at least I didn’t do anything really bad like sleeping with her’.

    My counsellor is aware of everything I tried and she said I couldn’t do anything more; the onus is now on my H and until he wakes up and realises the ramifications of his actions we can’t move on because I can’t be expected to forgive him. She’s right. How can I move on when he’s still in denial? The worst thing about it is that he’s always known how I feel about people who behave like this.

  4. devestated October 26, 2015 at 1:38 pm #

    Hi –
    I am in D- Day. Got the “just a friend from work” deal. That he just went with her to have a beer and talk about work. However, he lied about the whole thing.
    Then he attempted to acknowledge the hurt he has caused, BUT that was because he is CERTAIN that I am having an affair. A full one face to face sexual affair – which is FAR from the truth. He says that he only can get excited about me, sexually, is when is thinks about me having sex with the supposed other man. Says we are NOT going to talk about his deal anymore, because it’s all my fault. I told him I am in no way shape or form having an affair – emotionally or physically. I have no desire to be with – in any way – anyone other than him. He doesn’t believe me and I even told him to contact this other person – with my phone, while I am sitting there to prove there is no affair. He doesn’t do it. When I say, let’s talk to your “friend” he says NO. (person happens to work at the same company I work at, so you can imagine what I am having to deal with). I am having to act like nothing has happened, even though she knows I know.
    Anyways – I am devastated and do not know what to do or think or act.

  5. TJ August 29, 2016 at 5:48 am #

    I thought I had a wonderful marriage of 36+ yrs. Just last week I discovered that my husband was having an EA. I am so new to this that I need advise. Their meeting has a very casual one. At the time, we were fighting and she, due to her job, became privy to it. My husband vented to her and she offered to “listen”. Things went from there. I discovered it was only 40 days into the relationship. Once confronted with evidence, he admitted to it. This may sound foolish on my part but I don’t know how hurt to be. There were inappropriate, almost high-school type emails. However, the thing that hurts most is that after I discovered it, in front of our adult daughter he texted her the standard,” Its over. don’t ever call or text me again.” Great right! Well, the next morning I found a follow-up text ….. “I was in front of my wife when I sent that. I will call you tomorrow. Love you”. WOW! Talk about blowing trust right out the window. He has apologized and apologized and assured me he just enjoyed someone stroking his ego. Does anyone out there have an opinion. Please share any and all thoughts. I would greatly appreciate a man’s point of view as well.

  6. Shifting Impressions August 29, 2016 at 1:33 pm #

    TJ
    It was close to our 40th anniversary when I accidentally discovered my husband’s EA……I went into total shock. It has been over two years and we are still picking up the pieces.

    My best advice I can give you is read all you can on the subject..the book “NOT JUST FRIENDS” by Shirley Glass was extremely helpful. Also this site has been and still is an absolute life line.

    Also if you can get some support in perhaps a close friend and perhaps see a counselor for yourself. Chances are your husband won’t want to go with you.

    The tendency of the cheating spouse is to minimize what happened…. DON’T BUY IT!!!

    But most important of all take care of you and don’t blame yourself. This break of trust is horrendous to deal with.

    Take care

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