If your marriage can survive this, it can survive anything!
The above statement was made to us by a well meaning neighbor just the other day.
The reason? Well, we’re experiencing a major upheaval in our lives that many perceive as a potentially major threat to our marriage…The kitchen remodel.
In what now appears to be a very weak moment on my part (I think alcohol may have been involved), I mentioned to Linda a few weeks ago that we should re-do our kitchen. Well, she took that moment and ran with it. She’s been in high gear decorating mode ever since and now our home and our lives have been thrown into major turmoil.
There’s sawdust and drywall dust everywhere, all of the contents of our kitchen drawers are in boxes and there are approximately 43 cabinet doors scattered about our basement being refinished. And maybe my eyes are screwed up, but to me it appears that there is a constant haze that has taken over our downstairs.
10 Elements of a Successful Marriage (How We Survived Two Weeks of Vacation Together)
And our social life the last 2 weeks has basically consisted of hanging out at the local Home Depot to a point where now we’re on first name basis with Joe in lumber and Diane in paint. If only the Home Depot had bands and a happy hour we wouldn’t feel like such boring losers!
Except for the new counter tops, we’re doing the renovation ourselves. No small feat for a couple of amateur carpenters/dry-wallers/plumbers/painters. We did manage to finish out our basement several years ago with the help of Linda’s father who was an expert craftsman at the time. That was about 20 years ago and he no longer is able to help anywhere near the level he once could.
Linda and I have done a bunch of projects over the years and certainly we’ve had our share of little arguments while doing so. Nothing major though – usually just small squabbles that were very quickly forgotten.
We basically work well together. So far, this time has really been no different. I think one reason why is that we know each other so well that we know what to expect from each other and we each accept the other person’s strengths and weaknesses, as well the things that drive us each nuts.
Here’s what we know for sure…
I know that it is a waste of my breath to offer any creative decorating input. It will fall on deaf ears and Linda’s ideas will ultimately become reality anyways. Besides, it’s not exactly my forte, although I did score a major win by picking out the island paint color.
I have some male friends that get so involved with the decorating choices that it drives them crazy angry when they don’t get their way about stuff and leads to endless arguements. For the most part, I don’t give a crap what kind of cabinet knobs or type of back splash we have. So why argue about it? If she’s happy, I’m happy.
Linda knows that it’s a waste of her breath to try and tell me how to construct something. She just tells me what she wants and I try to get it done. It’s like I’m her sub-contractor or something.
Now, that doesn’t always mean it will be easy or that I don’t mess stuff up.
Take crown molding for instance. What a pain in the ass that is! I think I went through about $50 worth of crown molding just trying to get the right cut on a portion of our cabinets that had an unusual inside angle.
Linda just bit her lip and laughed along with me until I finally figured it out.
We talk about our expectations, wants and needs. Now here is where some lively banter back and forth is most likely to occur. Sometimes frustrations are elevated and voices are raised, but usually calmer heads prevail and agreements are made.
Drs. Gottman: The No. 1 Thing That Makes Relationships Successful
When it comes to the kitchen remodel, our biggest ‘discussion’ has centered around the monetary issues associated with the upgrade. As Robin Leach used to say, Linda tends to have champagne wishes and caviar dreams, while I am more along the lines of beer and chicken wings.
Thank God Linda’s taste usually prevails, or our kitchen – and the rest of the house – would look like a sports bar.
We’re both perfectionists. When it comes to something major like a kitchen remodel, we both want it to be perfect. Thus, we may not really need that third coat of primer or to sand a little bit more so that the wall is perfectly smooth, but if we put the work in up front we know we’ll love it and we’ll be proud when it’s done.
As a result, there’s none of that bitching back and forth… “Hey, you missed a spot there.” “Oh, I think it’s just fine” “No it isn’t, do it again!”
We’re willing to compromise. Our house is 22 years old and was in dire need of a kitchen upgrade. That much we can agree on. Additionally, the carpet in our family room, which is just off the kitchen, is basically trashed. It’s time for new flooring. Again, we can agree on that. However, Linda would like wooden floors to match the rest of our downstairs, while I prefer carpeting.
We compromised. She has carte blanche as far as the kitchen is concerned and I get carpeting in the family room. Of course, I probably won’t have much say so when it comes to color or style, but again, I don’t really care! 😉
Projects help us come closer together. While many married couples constantly bicker while doing projects, for us they have a tendency to strengthen our relationship. Strange but true.
I think that the process of working together towards a common goal is the key to that. Not to mention that it causes us to spend virtually every waking weekend moment together.
Now that our daughters are heading back to college after Christmas break and we will again be empty-nesters, maybe we’ll both work with just our tool belts on and really get closer together – if you know what I mean!
Last Sunday after finishing up a long day of remodeling, we went over to a neighbor’s house to watch the New England – Indianapolis playoff game and at one point were discussing our remodeling plans. A few years earlier these neighbors had completed their own kitchen remodel which caused some serious marital strain. On Sunday, almost in unison they blurted out “If your marriage can survive this, it can survive anything!”
Linda and I just looked at each other and grinned.
19 replies to "If Your Marriage Can Survive This, It Can Survive Anything"
Very cool you guys have taken on this project together. What an undertaking though. Maybe you could have taken on something a little less herculean like digging a hole to China!! I’m sure it will be gorgeous BTW when it’s finished.
My H took on a project last year. He built a masonry drop in grill structure (for lack of a better name) on our patio. Now this is a guy who is loath to do things around the house. One time we hung a chandelier over our dining room table and it literally took 10 hours!!! Lots of cursing and stomping out of the room. No, if I need something done I hire it. So worth the money. Don’t even get me started on yard work! Anyway he saw this “thing” at Menards and decided he wanted to put one in on our patio. It was very intricate. Menards gives you the “recipe” and you buy the stones/pavers and put it together. The stones/pavers that went into this structure are different sizes and it was going on our patio which is made of pavers so not totally level. You then drop a gas grill into the whole and voila! Well, It took him a little over 3 weeks to build it and it turned out perfect and yes my H is a perfectionist as well. He really did a great job.
I never asked him to do it or even showed any interest that I would want something like that. We don’t really grill that much so this “structure” seemed pretty extravagant and time consuming but if he wanted to do it I was on board. I really had very little to do with the construction of it other than to hand him things and praise him profusely for his obviously masculine building skills 🙂
More to the point I know he wanted to do something nice for our home. Our home’s fairly new so there’s really nothing that needs to be redone. We’ve talked about finishing our lower level but we would never use it and we have too much space as it is now. I think this project was his way of showing he cared for our home and me. He wanted to do something for me that I would admire him for doing and trust me I have. I have bragged to everyone about him doing this project and I can see he appreciates the attention I’ve given to him for doing it. And it really is beautiful and amazing! But I have to say I was shocked when he decided he wanted to take this project on. I’m glad I am smart enough to figure out what the real point of the project was too.
Now I’m wondering if he’d like to take on the project of repainting our kitchen and replacing the light fixtures which I have always hated….?? I could reallllly appreciate that too, if you know what I mean 🙂
Another benefit of this project is that I’ve had to buy some new power tools – Miter saw, sander, and the best invention ever…the nail gun! Now I’ve got pretty much all I need to start doing more projects around the house. Linda’ already has me making a new kitchen table and flower boxes for outside. Painting sucks so yes, you would certainly need to really show your appreciation if he did it!
There is nothing more sexually attractive to a woman than a man who knows how to use his power tools!!! So appreciation comes prettttty easy 🙂
My h is very handy with his tools, however he has always been hands on.
Our next project he is getting done is a built in cabinet, which will be blocking access to our dining, creating more storage space and will have a built in desk for that will go from one wall to another, so 2-3 kids can study.
All measurements taken down yesterday. He mentioned desk, I mentioned a long desk, otherwise the kids fight for the desk space. Lol. I got my way.
However I let him go, and he enjoys his vision coming to life and no arguments happen. I’m happy when he is happy. Vice versa for us Doug.
we have survived an 2 bedroom with bathroom extension, and a pool at the same time, no arguments. Yet come along cousin it years later, and amazing we weathered that storm.
Oh yeah, BTW, I’m in Linda’s camp with the hardwood in the family room and NOT carpet.
Carpet sucks!
I like wood floors as well, but I am always on the floor wrestling/playing with our dog, so carpet makes more sense from a comfort aspect to me.
Two words: Area rug
I agree, carpet sucks. Tiles here.
Use rugs Doug…. Then you can wrestle with your lovely pooch to your hearts content and still feel comfy…lol.
Well if the rugs in our other rooms where we have wood floors are any indication – they’re too thin – not comfy enough. I’m getting my carpet and that’s that! 😉
Boy Giz, I didn’t know that peace met my ex. Great book so far!
Lol, Rachel, about the ex. Glad you like it. I thought it was wonderful.
What did I miss? What’s the book?
It’s called Psychopath Free by “Peace”. $2.99 on Kindle. I recommended out for Sidney. And everyone else, too.
FYI
Throughout the years I have painfully learned that there are some facts never to be mentioned neither discuss with a woman…Age, Hairstyle, Weight…if you value you’re life dearly don’t go there, youre life will be either completely miserable or a complete hell. And that will cover any woman, friend, girlfriend, coworker, wife etc. etc
For that matter my dear wife engages in the concept/dreaming/wanting of any home project,
me i’m just the contractor..only two words, yes ma’am, when do you wanted…
Our house was a year remodeled project, all new except for the foundation and walls….
Here’s the funny thing, even though I’m real proud of what I have done, for my wife and kids, I did not hesitate to tell my wife (twice), that I will leave, let her do whatever she wants with her EA and stay, so she can deal with three kids, the older one blind with special needs,a dog, two very elderly needy grandparents, the office and most important if her AP will be willing to go with the reality of life as I have been dealing for the past 18 years ( he’s been divorce 1 year). I think not, it’s been only 10 months since D-day ….I have good bad better and worst days but I’m not a material person, I was born poor, hopefully I will die the same,
Dignity morals and principles are the only things I want to leave my boys (well maybe a little cash to go on)…just to let you know, I feel really fortunate to have all of you sharing thoughts, ideas and pouring out your hearts in order to heal and go on against everything life
Throws at you. For me besides my Dr. you are the only ones sharing my grief, I thank God for that each and every day. Love u all from the deepest of my soul…
Keep the faith …Bleesed all
You go Doug!! Compromise is good:)