We recently picked up a copy of “Affair Repair” by relationship expert and author Kara Oh. In short, the book offers advice on how to recover from an affair by recreating your marriage based on the feelings you had when you first fell in love with your spouse.
One of the techniques she describes was particularly interesting to me. She calls it the RPL Technology, which in essence is a 3 step process towards rebuilding your marriage. The “R” stands for Recommit. “P” stands for Prioritize. “L” stands for Love.
Though we didn’t know it had a formal name at the time, I can tell you that this 3-step process is virtually the same that Doug and I did to rediscover, reinvent and save our marriage.
Step #1: Recommit
To rebuild your marriage and reignite love you must first recommit to each other and to your marriage. You must put each other and your marriage at the top of the list. This is especially important after an affair because some of the pain has to do with the one who was cheated on feeling like they’re no longer important. You must make your marriage and your partner a top priority once again.
“To recommit means to tell each other you’re making your marriage and your partner your number one priority. It needs to be verbal, you need to look each other in the eyes, and make sure your sincerity can be seen, felt and heard.” Says Oh.
Immediately after the affair, Oh suggests you recommit to each other once a day since the pain is intense and you are trying to heal from the devastation.
Step #2: Prioritize
Prioritize means you must make your relationship with each other your number one priority. One of the primary reasons couples fall out of love is they get too busy. They don’t spend enough time together, they don’t think about each other “in that way,” they don’t do all those things they did when they were first falling in love, and they no longer have fun together. Sex even becomes an afterthought in many cases. Sound familiar?
Oh really stresses that for the RPL Technology to work you must both make a pact that you will put your new marriage and each other at the top of the list. Kids, work, and everything else takes a back seat to your marriage. This is a must!
Step #3: Love
The third step in the RPL Technology is to tell, and show, your love for each other at least once a day, but in new, and creative ways.
What’s great about this step is it not only lets your partner know, in tangible ways, that you care about building a new and better marriage together, but it reminds you as well. It’s important that you choose ways to say ‘I love you’ that are out of the ordinary, so they will be noticed. Obviously, creativity here is a key element. It can also be a lot of fun!
The RPL Technology that Oh describes was a key ingredient in rebuilding our own marriage. Re-committing is a reminder that the new marriage we’re building is important to us; prioritizing is so we don’t let less important things get in the way of keeping our new marriage vibrant; and offering some form of love each day will help bring back the feelings of love that we’ve been missing out on for quite a while.
The book is very easy to read and is not overwhelming. The strategies that Kara recommends are easy to interpret, implement and follow through. This is actually refreshing as many marriage self-help books can seem a lot like reading a psychology textbook and can be a tad bit on the technical (boring) side.
If you want to check out more information about “Affair Repair” by Kara Oh, you can click the following link: http://affairrepair.com/book. It offers sound, logical advice on how to recover from an affair by rebuilding your marriage. I enjoyed the book, and I think that you will as well.
15 replies to "How to Recover From an Affair With RPL"
I am so bereft. I will be entering year 4 of my life being destroyed by the OW.
My H bought me a fabulous Christmas card and then another which he saw after which he thought was even better, massive Clinton’s card shop saying ‘To my wife, the love of my life etc. etc.’
I kow he adores me but I JUST CAN’T forgive or forget his EA.
To add extra pain, on Christmas day my 2 sons gave me a beautiful Tiffany&Co pendant with a silver key on a chain and all I could think about was my H buying a Tiffany heart pendant around Valentine’s day 2001 for a previous OW (bought to ‘cheer her up’ as she was going through ‘great depression’, yeah a bit like I have been doing since I found out about his betrayal) which I never knew about until the EA OW blabbed about as part of her spiteful ‘revenge’ when I confronted her.
After all this time I am getting worse not better as the more I quiz my H, the more I think he is taking the p*ss with his lies and he keeps saying I’m inventing scenarios which never happened.
I am an obssessive type person at the best of times and just so not the sort who can cope with coming to terms with this EA. I suppose I just need some sympathy and encouragement but don’t know where to turn for it. My H says he has done all he can and has now given up and I know he has always loved me to death but I won’t let him put it right.
Mil, If you haven’t already, you might want to read “The Awakening” . There’s a link to it in today’s discussion post. If you really read it and think about what the author says, you might find some value in it. Until you can’ forgive him, you will find it difficult to heal.
Mil,
I can understand your pain and suffereing as my husband cheated on me as well.
Have you asked yourself the question of what else your husband could possibly do to help you. I don’t hink you need sympathy. By letting yourself live each day in fear of these anxieties you are keeping a wall between you and your husband. IF you can honestly say that you are doing everything you can to affair proof your relationship by working on yourself then that’s all you can do. If your husband is doing all he can as well then things should improve naturally. Only if you start to let your anxieties control you will you fully recover.
oops meant to say
Only if you DON’T let your anxieties control you can you recover. Else your fears will keep your spirit down
Thank you Darleen, I know you are talking sense but it’s soooo hard to apply when it happens to you. Have you got over it at all? Was it an EA or PA or both? x
you know some people are just serial liars. not everyone can go back. maybe your picking up something in his behavior. my own situation wife claims to be open but one day she forgot to close the web browser which she had in inprivate mode–something to prevent others from seeing where she was. confronted with this she claims innosense. now back from europe on trip alone for death of family member and i find that on the eve of her return she deleted phone call history. asked about it she first claims she didnt, then claims a family member was playing with her phone, then claimed i did it although it was deleted when she was 3000 miles away. this coincided with her becoming more distant before leaving. funny betrayed party always made to be thought they are the crazy one. i am out of trust. the bag is empty. dont care what is going on, the need to keep secrets is not compatible with marriage. nobody on this site can ever let down their guard. this “relapse “is over a year after going “straight”
ppl, I have just found out the same thing secrets and more secrets. He got up last night around 3am and went on-line to yahoo messenger looking for her. she has yahoo we have aol. he swears i am making this up and i need to stop spying on him. told him i dont trust him guess i never will, can i live with no trust between us? I love him but I don’t care anymore please go be happy and leave me alone. I will make it on my own. I can’t stop him, he will keep finding a way to have contact and I am to tired of spying anymore. just go!
have found that they become better, more sophisticated at deception. an honest person cannot win this battle. you are right to stop looking. i learned the hard way. i actually have the ability to do forensic analysis of hard drive but why bother. dont need details. fact that she is hiding things is enough. even if i pursued that, she would only go on to other computers, etc. therapist claims i have made her what she is by forgiving prior acts. she takes it for granted that stakes are not high if found out. like a child that stretches the limits. who wants to be married to child like personality. mutual respect and love are not consistent with seeing how wide you can make the margins.
ppl I have done the same as you forgiven to many times that he believe I will never follow thru. I have had enough, my new year will be a new me with him or without him no more spying no more feeling like its all my fault. I have changed to be a better wife for him in the last year and he has not changed one bit, this is the thanks I get?? Please go to her have a wonderful life and leave me alone. I will be ok I know I will be!
well did confront my wife about dishonesty. didnt accuse of further infidelity, just deletion of her phone history and cruising the internet using inprivate mode. her response is anger, initial denial and total coolness. we have decided to divorce so i am signing off. inevitable result when trust is gone. i have luxury of knowing i tried so i dont regret the last two years. have fallen short of goal of seeing son through high school but that is life. will sing off and try to find the divorce blog. sad result but i am looking foward to not looking over my shoulder and peace. hope not to read of any of you there.
ppl, Sorry to hear of the recent developments. As you say, you can take solace in knowing that you tried your hardest. Thank you for your contributions and best of luck to you as you move forward.
ppl, I’m so sorry for you too; to have one’s feelings and concerns dismissed in such a manner after being put through something like this is so cruel. I’m sitting here in tears right now; I wonder, will I find myself in your position one day soon?
I’m going to email this to my H right now because I need to know from him once and for all if he cares enough about me, us and our marriage to prevent what you’ve had to resort to.
I wish you all the best and I hope that one day you will find happiness with someone who truly appreciates your loyalty and gives you the love you deserve.