One topic that we haven’t really touched on yet, and to some folks is somewhat controversial, is whether or not you should give in to spying in order to catch a cheating spouse.
Many victims notice unusual behaviors and emotions from their spouses, but yet have no proof of there actually being any infidelity.
Entire books have been written on this subject, so this post will just attempt to be a general overview and offer some ideas and resources for you to consider.
And let us mention that our stance is pro-marriage, so if you want to save your marriage, there are ways to do that. But there are always circumstances that for whatever reason, you need or want to know for sure whether or not your spouse is cheating. We won’t get into those reasons, as only you will know for sure if spying is something that you feel compelled to do.
One school of thought is that when you suspect your partner is cheating on you, you need to resist your first instinct to confront your partner and accuse them. While this may seem like the most logical thing to do, you have to resist this strong instinct and think carefully and strategically. If you expose your suspicions immediately, what sort of response do you hope to get? Is it likely to bring you closer to the proof, or jeopardize your chances of knowing for sure what is really happening?
Perhaps you’ve done the normal armchair investigations into your spouse’s cell phone, texts, online accounts, or have noticed other unusual things in the way they are acting that raises your suspicions. However, no solid proof has emerged.
If you don’t have any proof, or your proof is just circumstantial, the most likely response you will get is denial. If you can’t prove without a doubt that you know about their affair, there is little you will be able to do that will refute their denial.
To be honest with you, doing the research for this post was a real eye opener. We had no idea all these products and resources existed. It was very educational to say the least.
One last thing…we wouldn’t recommend you do any spying if you are not prepared to handle what you might find out!
That being said, we offer the following resources to assist you in your efforts:
How to Catch a Cheating Spouse
Signs of Cheating:
- Emotional Affair Signs – Our own blog post on the subject which includes signs Linda saw in Doug
- Book by Ruth Houston–“Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs.” Offered in our library and as an e-book. The e-book comes with a couple of added bonus sections: For men –Is SHE Cheating? And a section with affair recovery advice.
- A gazillion articles on signs of cheating at Ezine articles.
- Other books about the signs of cheating from our Library.
Should you spy?
- A brief free report (13 pages) by Dr. Robert Huizenga entitled “Should I Spy?” discusses the pros and cons of spying to find out the truth.
Catch a Cheating Spouse E-books:
- Comprehensive e-book by Sarah Paul, “How to Catch a Cheating Spouse,” addresses virtually every aspect of cheating along with ways to determine if your spouse may be cheating. Discusses spying methods and equipment. One of the bonuses of purchasing this book is a free download of Sherlock Pro computer monitoring software. We’ve personally reviewed this book and do recommend it.
- “How to Catch Your Cheating Lover” by Edward Talurdey: Similar program to the above. Offers techniques and resources to catch a cheater along with some added bonuses.
Reading Body Language:
- Here’s a brief 3 minute video where a retired FBI agent discusses how to read a person’s body language to tell if they are lying. To watch it click here.
- Video from a body language expert: To view it click here.
- Two books on the subject: “What Every Body is Saying” by Joe Navarro and “Body Language 101” by David Lambert.
- Loads of articles on body Language and Lying on Ezine Articles.
Computer Monitoring:
Keylogging software allows for tracking (or logging) the keys struck on a computer keyboard, typically in a covert manner so that the person using the keyboard is unaware that their actions are being monitored.
- CNET offers a Free Keylogger download for you to check out.
- More computer monitoring gadgets and software. More bang, but also more bucks.
Lie Detector:
- A real polygraph or lie detector machine for home use. Claims to be 80% to 99% accurate.
Other Spy Devices:
- A variety of devices to catch a cheating spouse. This includes products such as GPS tracking devices, cell phone monitoring devices, SIM card readers (for reading deleted texts), mini covert cameras, more computer monitoring devices and even a semen detection kit. Wow!
Phone and Email Searches:
- Google: To find who a phone number belongs to, first try to do a search on Google. Type phone number (cell phones too) in quotations (try both with and without dashes)and hit search. For example, “555-123-4567”
- Reverse Phone Serches: The Phone Detective offers searches for cell phones, landlines and business phone numbers. The service provides access to high-quality data with a high-frequency of matches. Nobody has 100% of numbers, and any claims otherwise simply aren’t true. Not a “phone book” for cell phone numbers. This is a paid service, but can offer you more information than a Google search. A full phone report is $19.90 and a one year Premium Membership is $44.90 and offers unlimited people searches and phone lookups.
- Email Finder: Find nearly anyone’s email. Search by name or email address to find contact information, social networks, and professional listings. It’s a reverse email search to find out who the account is registered to. This is a paid service and a single email report is $14.95, or you can do unlimited searches for $1.95 per month.
Well there it is. To be honest, we could have made this “How to Catch a Cheating Spouse” resource page much longer as there are a ton of resources – both free and for a fee – out there. Perhaps we will add to it in the future.
Hopefully though, what we have put together will not only help you in your spying endeavors, but also help you to determine whether or not it’s something you want to do in the first place.
If you have any other ideas or resources, please let us know by leaving a comment. Good luck!
LINESPACE
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7 replies to "How to Catch a Cheating Spouse"
I believe that spying allows you to see the truth. Sometimes we are fed lies to placate and lull us. I have spied and seen the naked truth. It hurt, but it also helped me because I was able to recognize that while I am being lied to, there is no foundation to build on. I am waiting to see whether I will ultimately be told the truth. I have not confronted him with what I know because I want to keep the door to the truth open.
There will come a time when I draw the line, and the game will be over.
I am 3 weeks post-dday. I can tell you this: if your gut tells you something is not right, then it is most likely true. My gut started telling me in late November, I confronted him with evidence in January and he still denied it for a week. Some people disagree with this method, but I absolutely did snoop/violate his privacy. I felt I had an obligation to find the truth and if, as I suspected, he was violating his marriage vows (and he did: EA turned SA) I would have the truth and if not, I needed to figure out why I felt so suspicious (ie work on me). So here’s what I did: I set up a “billing account” for him with his cell co. What that means is (if he doesn;t already have one, in which case you try to figure out his username and password) when you set it up you have the opportunity, practically hourly, to see the phone numbers that are texting/calling him and vice versa. When a single number kept popping up in his account at an alarming rate (literally 100s of textx in a day) I did a reverse lookup on that phone number — and found a name I recognized and knew immediately in my gut that this was an affair. I confronted him in front of our therapist (that’s right folks, were were in therapy for more than a year working on lack of emotional intimacy and he never once confessed, even privately to the therapist, who asked him at least twice “Is there something else going on because I feel something is”) which helped keep things from spiralling into non-constructive anger. If he still denies, there is no reason why you wouldnt be able to use what you know to ask him why you are feeling that his denial isn’t “the whole story.” Maybe he’s not having an affair, but your gut is telling you SOMETHING is going on, and as his spouse (remind him: for better for worse” and “be a counselor in perplexity” — if you used the same vows my church did)) you want to be able to support him in his troubles, but can’t if you don’t have all the facts.
there is also software for purchase that helps you download all text messages (even deleted ones) if the content of those messages is important to you — I didn’t go that far, but surely contemplated it.
So, if all you guys find this a violation of privacy, sorry. But given that I had to go to my doctor for a painful and humiliating series of tests to determine whather I had any STDS, I say it was worth it. Good luck and godspeed
Just found this post while going through the archives and felt like commenting on it. Yes all forms of spying are fair when you are on the receiving end at an affair, be it an EA or PA. Your spouse has broken what should be the greatest trust you have, they lose all chance for privacy at this point. I went pretty full bore in my spying, keylogged our home computers, went through her phone records, did reverse look-ups of every number on there that I didn’t know, hacked her work remote access log in and gained complete access to her computer at work, this is where I found the most damning evidence as she never remembers to delete her emails, put a GPS tracker on her car, activated GPS tracking on her cell phone, found out where the AP lived, what he drove, what his emails, phone numbers, and Facebook accounts were. I basically went whole hog on the spying matter and I am not ashamed about it at all. It helped when I confronted her about it in that I made it extremely difficult for her to deny anything. She didn’t admit to all of it in the beginning but by two months out she admitted to everything. Yes it scared her how much I was able to discover and made her nervous in the beginning but I would rather know everything than have to find out about it bit by bit over time. At eight months out I am at the stage that I almost completely trust her again, still not quite there but pretty close, and we are trying to work on our underlying problems that led up to he EA. And boy are here as lot of those to deal with. It’s going to be a long and low process and neither of us is sure of the out come but we are sure we want to try.
I was worried that spying was wrong. It showed a lack of trust. Of the very few people I talked to (Doctors, therapists) they all said spying was the correct thing to do. Once I got confirmation that something was up I stopped. When you see many hundreds of cell phone calls to the “just a friend” you really don’t need more to know there is some type of affair going on. I spoke (In group) to a lady who had her husbands phone tagged (Gps) so when he went on a “run” she could see clearly that he was running to the other womans house.
One question. I’ve seen a lot of advice to gather more damming proof (Voice recorders hidden in cars etc) I don’t understand what additional proof is good for other then to trigger the worst possible emotions…
I don’t know about others but for me the need for additional evidence was to know the full extent of what was happening. I needed to know if it was an emotional or physical affair before confronting my wife. Also many CS will only give out small amounts of the truth or try to lie their way through it and make you seem to be controlling, untrusting, or down right crazy. If you are able to hit them with everything up front then they will have much less chance of thinking they can hide anything and you won’t have to go through multiple reveals of the whole truth, prolonging your own recovery. I was very fortunate to have gotten the whole truth within a month of confronting my wife, they are others on here who are still getting bits and pieces a year out and are having to deal with the lies over and over again.
I was never a “snooper”before but after someone has creeped and lied I dont seem to have a problem with it. there shouldn’t be secrets in a marriage so once you understand that concept, why would it be wrong? Cheaters are exposing you to danger, either from disease or psychotic jealous lovers or betrayed spouses. It is necessary and your right to protect yourself and your family.
I think my husband is having an affair and it’s probably been going on for awhile. He denied it years ago when I caught him with chat apps. But I think it’s still going on. He’s just been better at hiding and deleting things. How can I find some concrete evidence?