How a Person Involved in an Emotional Affair Can Heal
Posted on 11. Feb, 2010 by Linda in Ending an Affair
Much has been written about how the betrayed spouse should handle the aftermath of an emotional affair, but little has been said of how the person having an affair should heal and move on.
Whether you want to believe it or not, the persons having the affair go through a grieving stage once the affair is over. Often it can be quite traumatic.
In one of the books that I’ve read (I can’t remember which one), it said that the reason why affairs are addictive and are so difficult for the affair partners to let go of, is because in many cases the affair relationship ends very abruptly. Most often that is because the spouse finds out about the affair and gives the ultimatum that the relationship must end immediately.
Unfortunately when this happens, it often backfires in that it produces resentment towards the one giving the ultimatum and injects even more romanticized feelings into the relationship.
What happens is that the person ending an affair believes that he is effectively a martyr since he has to give up someone he is in love with, and that he is only doing so for the sake of his wife and family.
Another reason the affair is hard to let go of is that most emotional affair relationships don’t follow the typical progression through the various stages of love like other relationships do. That is to say, when a typical relationship flows from infatuation to the next stage, the couple has more experiences together and they start to see the flaws, bad habits and weaknesses in each other.
At this point, the relationship will either end or it will blossom further. If the result is that the relationship ends, both parties have probably come to the realization that maybe they were not meant for each other after all, and therefore they are able to separate more easily and move on with their lives.
Contrary to this, in most emotional affairs this scenario is not possible because the affair partners do not have the opportunity to see each other’s faults, and if they did, these faults are normally simply dismissed. They are in their affair “bubble” so to speak.
The parties involved in the affair have a difficult time giving up the relationship because in their eyes it is perfect in just about every way.
Affairs appear to be the “perfect” relationship
On several occasions I told Doug that he had to stop putting Tanya and their relationship on some special pedestal, and to stop thinking that he was experiencing something that was so great that he would never again experience anything like it in any relationship.
This was hard to get through to him since his relationship, like most affairs, was built on fantasies and the illusion of love. They only saw the perfect side of each other and met a few of each other’s important needs, which was enough for them to think that they were meant to be together.
In a marriage, it would be wonderful to have this type of relationship, but in all actuality I don’t feel that it is realistic that it can be sustained. When you live with someone day after day, you’re going to see their faults, bad habits, and other little quirks that can drive you nuts.
Affairs, on the other hand, have the illusion of being so appealing because each partner is showing the perfect image of themselves which in turn makes for a “perfect” relationship.
I believe for a long time that Doug was unable to let go of the fantasy. He was unable to let go of the fact that she was not perfect and neither was their relationship. I think he was still comparing her to me based on seeing only her positive traits.
He compared her as being fun, her newness and her free spirit to me, yet he and I shared a totally different situation — that of a married couple that has been together for three decades — not just a few months.
I believe he had a hard time letting go of the “perfect” relationship knowing that ours could never really be like that. Not because the love wasn’t there, but because we didn’t have the “sizzle” that a new relationship typically has.
When you’ve been married for a while it’s tough to act like newlyweds or like you just began dating, so the “sizzle” is difficult, if not downright impossible to maintain.
I also think it was difficult for him to stop the affair because not only did he think she was perfect, but she felt that he was perfect as well. He got a significant ego boost simply from the way she treated him when they were together.
While Doug and Tanya were mirroring the perfect person in each other, at the same time I was going through a time when I felt as though I could do nothing right, and was an emotional wreck. Certainly Doug must have felt that being in the affair was definitely a better place for him to be.
If you are in an emotional affair, or know someone who is, in order to move on you have to let go of the fantasy. As hard as it may seem, you need to start looking at the faults of the person who you’re having the affair with and the inadequacies of the relationship.
It’s not really the best experience of your life like you might think it is. Rather, you need to look at it for what it really is, and that is something that was hurtful to your spouse and is ruining everything you love and have worked so hard for over the years.
If the emotional affair ended abruptly you may not have had the opportunity to figure this out or to sort through your feelings, so you need to do that now and try hard to let the affair go.
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33 Responses to “How a Person Involved in an Emotional Affair Can Heal”
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- Fearless Living – Living Without Excuses and Loving Without Regret
- Welcome to Emotional Affair Journey!
- Real Reasons the Emotional Affair Happened
- Discussion – Giving the Cheating Spouse Ultimatums
- The Cheater Needs to Remember the Emotional Affair Wasn’t So Great After All
- Ten Phases to Gain Forgiveness for Infidelity
- Discussion – Thoughts on Our Healing From Infidelity Survey
- After the Affair – Control the Affect of the Cheater’s Choices
- It’s Tough To Stop an Emotional Affair
- Discussion: Why Do Men and Women Cheat?
- Discussion: What Have You Learned About Yourself as the Result of the Affair?
- Welcome to Our Journey From an Emotional Affair!
- How it all started
- Helping Your Spouse With Healing After an Affair
- Getting ‘Unhooked’ from the Emotional Affair Addiction
- Real Reasons the Emotional Affair Happened
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DJ: Aida, you're absolutely right. My coach has said ...
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Lynne: Vicky-My advice is that you both get to counse...
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Vicky: I am leaving this post, because I am struggling se...
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Doug: Ding,ding, ding...You just won the prize for the f...
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D: Great new format. Clean, ordered, like starting o...
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chiffchaff: This way of thinking is very useful Linda. I also ...
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Notoverit: And, here's a question all of us Betrayed Spouses ...
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michael
11. Feb, 2010
What an eye opener. That is hard to hear but in many ways I feel it is so true. So many times I worry if my wife still sees him in this “perfect picture”. The guy she dated in high school that was ended abruptly, by others, without any real life experience. Than to reconnect with him eighteen years later she still saw him as the same. Still so easy to talk to. And he listened to her. And he flirted with her. Of course he would express all the good traits he had. And how he has become such a better person now. And how his wife doesn’t treat him like he should be. He is looking for the next ex-wife.
Than I started to dig into info about him. He is in his third marriage. He had a child from his first. His wife has children from an old boyfriend. He IS cheating on his wife. He has co-workers husbands after him. What makes her so sure he wouldn’t do the same to her. He expressed to me how little respect he has for my wife in a text conversation with me. And she still didn’t see him for who he is. And continued to speak to him. Or is continuing to speak with him. I don’t know for sure. My trust has been shattered.
But while we decided to stay together and work on us, she still protected him and continued to call him daily “which he was so proud to express to me”. I wanted to talk to him (I don’t know what that would have accomplished? But I did in text). Or talk to his wife. ( She should know). She played the martyr and said instead she would just hurt and not talk to him. And then continued because it was so hard for her to let go.
And in many ways I think that this infatuation was cut short by my discovery and an eventual ultimatum, which I regret. But I realized it after the fact and undid most of the things I did early on. If she wanted to leave she could have and can still. I can’t protect her from herself. I just wanted to protect my family from him. Her getting over it is another story.
I have told her about this blog and I think she has looked at it. But we still don’t talk about it. I don’t think she really knows how hard this has hurt me. Or maybe she does and truly doesn’t know what to do. She is the one I chose. I don’t want to be the one she settles for. I thinks she is done with it for now. But without working on what happened, its just a question of when and why it happens again. So I continue to work on me.
cabrina
11. Feb, 2010
I completeley understand what you are saying and agree completeley. but my husband has left for this other women because he is just not willing to let go of the fantasy and believes that he is eally in love with her. He has already started the divorce but still does things that make me think that he wants to be with me too. he plays mind games with me. wants to be my friend, still wears wedding band, will call to see if i need anything at the house, when i was sick wanted to bring me soup. Asks if everything is ok with me and the kids and the house????? Can I save this marriage or is he gone to her forever
admin
12. Feb, 2010
Sure you can still save your marriage. Now I might be wrong, but seems to me that he is having some feelings of guilt perhaps, and that is why he is acting the way that he is.
Sally
16. Feb, 2010
Well, my husband has moved out and in with the OW. My situation is similar to cabrina’s right now, my husband calls and texts me all the time. We only talk about day to day stuff and the news, never about us. Says it is imperative that we remain friends and he have me in his life. He does not wear a wedding band but he comes over and has dinner, helps clean up, etc. Most of his things are still at our house, its like he has a traveling bag that he keeps some stuff at her place. I am ready to give up. When I ask him if he has truly decided that we are through and he is going to pursue a relationship with her, he says at this point yes, but he does not understand how I can ever say that we are completely through. He doesn’t seem to understand that his pursuing another relationship is what makes me believe that.
So I am trying to distance myself and decide that we are over. I am really trying but it is soo very hard. He still has a key and comes and goes as he pleases. I want to make him get on some kind of schedule but these are all things that make me think that it shows I am giving up and I have a huge fear of closing that door. Any advice?
admin
17. Feb, 2010
Sally, Indeed after he has left you are better off to not be available to him just as Gina suggests. By doing so you are still satisfying some of his needs. In order for him to make a decision you need to “cut him off” completely.
Gina
17. Feb, 2010
To Sally: You must establish “no contact” with your husband immediately. He has to be smacked in the face with the fact that he has chosen ONE woman, and it is the OW. He cannot use you like this. Change your locks! Tell him that you will not communicate with him, except through a third party. This will jolt him to the core, believe me. Please read “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley. This is what he says to do, and it works. The wayward spouse usually comes around within one week to three months, completely gives up the OW, and begs to have you back. It will be very difficult, but you must do this. Tough love works, and I know it by personal experience.
Carla
27. Feb, 2010
Can anyone here give me some advice to pass on to my son? He confided recently that his wife was having an affair – or at least attempting to have one. He has been married only 18 months and yet a few months ago his wife sought out and started an affair with an ex-boyfriend – a much older man. She had only had a very brief relationship with this man in 2003. I learned 2 days ago that my son had discovered his wife’s (hidden) diary from last year and it clearly stated her intentions to contact this man because she had never stopped thinking about him as their relationship (one month in 2003!) had ‘been like a fairytale.’ Apparently, after having contacted him, they had lunch and she wrote that she realised she was still ‘in love’ with him and wished she could marry him. She also constantly referred to the fact that she is waiting to hear from the OM and he doesnt text her as often as she would like. When he does, he doesnt say the things she wants to hear. She refers to constantly wanting to be with this man. However, it now appears that the OM may be off the scene now as daughter in law has stopped staying out overnight ‘on business.’ Apparently she has become very withdrawn and depressed and my son seems to be very unsure of how to proceed. He has backed off and is trying to stay strong for himself as he has a very stressful job and is working long hours in order to fulfil a contract. I am worried about him as he tells me he feels ‘buried’ underneath his wife’s depression and trying to cope with the demands of his job. I have no experience of this, but I GUESS daughter in laws depression (very quiet, no longer enjoys banter and laughter with son, lack of appetite, sleeplessness etc) is related to what seems to be the end of her connection with the OM.
Would she be suffering withdrawal symptoms from the affair? Guilt, perhaps?
I suggested that some honesty would be in order but my son says he has asked her what is wrong and she says ‘nothing, just feeling down.’ Any ideas, anyone?
admin
28. Feb, 2010
Hi Carla. Based on your comment, it would appear that you have nailed it right on the head. Your daughter in law appears to be suffering from withdrawal from the drug known as infatuation, which seems to be causing her “depression.” Perhaps she is also feeling a little rejected since it appears that this OM is not interested in continuing their relationship to the level that she wants. More than likely, if she can discontinue all contact with the OM, this will subside. I would think, though at the same time your son needs to focus some more attention on her and be supportive of her feelings and emotions, as well as attempt to determine her needs that apparently he was not meeting in the first place. I hope this helps. Doug
Black Iris
12. Apr, 2010
Did you ever consider giving him a chance to see her faults? Say you go off on vacation and she has to take care of your family?
admin
12. Apr, 2010
Black Iris, she wouldn’t have lasted a day in my shoes! Doug thought she was controlling and nit picky before, he would have been running for the hills and dragging me along with him!
Guilty
28. Apr, 2010
First, I’d like to thank you for this blog. It’s been comforting for both my wife and I as we go through our own healing process. You see, I’m the cheating spouse. This post has been very revealing to me, because most of the books and websites tell the recovery story from the perspective of the offended spouse. I get that, but there are two people trying to heal here, and I’m thankful for this point of view, without being judgmental.
The notion of the abrupt nature of the affair ending is something that really resonates with me. I put my wife through pure hell, after her initial discovery, promising to end it, but leaving avenues for the OW to contact me, or proactively reaching out. For the most part, we went through a cycle of discovery and dealing with it, and so on, all the while, I maintained contact with the OW, because I was convinced that OUR relationship wasn’t like any of the others you read about.
I have to say, even after a made a commitment to being with my wife, I still felt a trace of guilt and a tiny spark of hope that I could maintain contact with the OW. During the course of the year we were involved, she’d become my best friend, my first point of contact when things had gone wrong. So the residual feelings of “missing” my best friend still hounded me.
Things really turned after the last discovery by my wife. It was evidence of phone calls I’d made to the OW a few weeks prior. My wife is not a sap, she’s not a shrinking violet, she’s a strong, powerful woman (things I seemed to have forgotten about her in the first place) who does not take things lying down. She immediately emailed the OW’s spouse, revealing our relationship. It was here that a decision point was reached, and the real nature of the affair was exposed.
You see, while I was feeling guilty about the damage I’d caused the OW’s family, she had no reciprocating feelings for the carnage she’d created in my own. When it was a case of my wife’s repeated discoveries of my malfeasance, the OW was readily available to offer advice and sympathy over my plight. When the shoe was on the other foot, well then, things changed. I saw her for what she was and found myself re-examining every communication, every conversation and realizing that there WAS manipulation going on.
It’s hard to accept. I’m a smart, well educated man with quite a bit of worldly experiences, so admitting that I’d been manipulated, even a little, is difficult. With the OW, we only talked about her problems in her marriage, we only talked about her plans for the future. I was the sympathetic ear, the white knight, the person who didn’t take her for granted and lavished her with praise. Maybe I relished that role, but for the most part, it was about her, not me.
We have a long way to go, my wife and I, and I cycle through periods of guilt, remorse, anger and trepidation. There are good days and bad days. Personally, because of how abrupt this ended, I find myself curious about the OW, yet not to the point where I want to reach out. I’m hurt by the OW’s reaction, frankly and angry at the notion that I’d allowed myself to enter into this situation. No one is better for it.
Right now, the prevalent feeling is one of desperate shame. I constantly ask myself if I’m allowed to feel certain things (frustration at times with my wife as we go through this process, sadness over the situation, anger) because I created this. In talking to my wife and to my therapist (we’re doing marriage counseling, but I’m getting my own therapy as well), I’ve reached to real friends (male friends), who’d I lost track of. I’ve established a chain of “accountability buddies” who are friends of the marriage. It’s a slow process, but it’s getting better.
I don’t know if this even relevant. My primary goal was to thank you for the site and the thoughts within. I wasn’t looking for affirmation of the affair or a sympathetic pat on the back, I just wanted to see where to go from rock bottom and how it was from MY point of view. You both have done that, and I thank you. I have no visibility as to whether my marriage will work out, but at least, through this site, I’m not feeling as pessimistic.
admin
28. Apr, 2010
Guilty, Wow! In many ways I feel as though I wrote that myself! Thank you for the kind words, and I thing the “buddy” system you have set up is a great idea.
admin
28. Apr, 2010
Guilty, I want to thank you for coming to our site and sharing your thoughts from the cheater’s perceptive. It takes a lot of courage to tell your story. Your comment was difficult for me because I knew in many ways this was the exactly how Doug felt, however was too afraid to share those thoughts with me..Doug has tried to heal from all of this alone, not really expressing how difficult it has been for him. I know that he feels completely responsible for this mess and doesn’t want to burden me with how much he is suffering. I am grateful that you were able to affirm his feelings and let him know that he is not alone.
We have talked so much about how to help the betrayed spouse heal, would it be possible to let us know what the betrayed spouse can do to help the cheater move on. Just as you are at a loss on how to help us I feel the same way about helping Doug. I know that at times my actions and words are hurtful to Doug. I don’t want for him to suffer alone, I really want to be there for him. You probably are wondering why I am asking you rather than Doug, because Doug will simply say ” just stop talking about it” and we both know that is an unreasonable request. Any input would be appreciated. Thanks again. Linda
Last2know
29. Apr, 2010
Guilty, thank you for coming. Be prepared to be asked a lot of questions about your “feelings” for the OW. Poor Doug has taken all the hits. I am a betrayed wife of an EA. Going on 8 months since DDay. And it is still very hard. I felt stupid for not seeing, yet all the signs were there. The OWs Husband found the emails etc and he told me, my husband was devastated, distraught, remorseful. But I felt like a fool, how could I not know? I trusted him completely. He went to happy hours, biker rallies, I gave him his “man time” and I was accused by some of being “too trusting”. I never “checked up” on him. Now I go through
his phone, I have spies at his job. I hate that. That’s not me at all. I am sorry that you and your wife are going through this, yes it is very hard. I worried about my husband a lot after DDay. I didn’t know how he was coping with losing his “best friend” he didn’t seem to be depressed or sad. His was an abrupt end. Can you tell me this? How long were you friends before you realized you were in deep with her?
Guilty
29. Apr, 2010
Last2know, My situation, as I’m steadily finding out, is really not all that different from others. Basically, the OW was someone I’d known well before I met my wife. We’d dated and then kind of drifted apart and lost track of each other. Almost twenty years later, we “found” each other on FB (see what I mean? Typical.) and began chatting. It was innocuous at first, waxing nostalgic via chat. She lived across the country from me, so what was the harm? The communications turned to regrets about how things ended between us and then we started getting into “what ifs”. What if we hadn’t stopped dating? What if we’d gotten married? What if, what if, what if… Chats turned to one call a week, turned to one call a day, turned to calls almost every free hour I had. We had similar interests and tastes. She began telling me about her problems at home with her husband and I began sensing that I had similar problems with my wife (funny how these “problems” never seemed to surface before). Slowly, she turned into my “best friend” and we started saying “I love you.” All of this happened relatively quickly, I think, because of our mutual past together, no more than a couple of months. I too went through a wave of depression when the abrupt end came. In my case, it seemed worse because she was already on the other side of the country, so there was no bumping into her at work or around town. Communications just stopped. Remember, until her spouse found out, we continued our clandestine relationship, EVEN THOUGH MY WIFE HAD FOUND OUT. It’s difficult to describe. There is an overwhelming sense of loss. I’d been close to this woman for over a year, and to lose it so quickly and have to deal with the emotional wreckage I’d caused at home was almost too much. I still have bouts of overwhelming sadness and depression. They’ll hit for no particular reason or from a minor trigger. It might be a song, or a commercial or even seeing a road sign that will just grab me. The thing of it is, and what I’m trying to figure out myself is how do you “mourn” the loss of the OW while working on being “all in” with your spouse? What my wife and I have worked out is a “stop and share” thing. Anytime I think about the OW, I stop and call my wife right away. We have a plan for when and if the OW tries to contact me again. My wife almost hopes that it happens, so that, I can prove myself to her. Personally, I don’t think I’ll ever hear from the OW again, but that doesn’t stop the hurt and shame. Like I said, NO ONE is better for me having done this.
admin
29. Apr, 2010
Guilty, I can say by experience that if you are trying to rebuild things with your wife, re-igniting passion, spending time together and having fun together then the mourning and the sense of loss is much easier to take and eventually fades away all together. Obviously, this takes a little bit of help from your wife as well. Of course, one of the main cogs in that process is no further communication with the OW. It may take time for you to be “all in” with your wife in your own mind, but it can get better each day with effort.
At that point
29. Apr, 2010
Guilty,
Listening to the words you’ve written, I almost feel sympathy for the man that wrecked my marriage. I’m sure my wifes feelings were similar. But she won’t share that with me. We don’t have a plan if he calls. And I’m not sure if they haven’t talked lately.
But as someone who has known your story for only a few days, I can sit and sympathize with how you feel. I don’t know your background and I don’t feel hatred for you. I thank you for your words. And offer my ear and understanding.
As for the man that wrecked my life, his story is a lot like yours. Love form the past. Catching up turned to wanting more. Distance that separated them. And so on.
But I don’t know your bad traits. I know he was on his third marriage. talked several times in the past about divorce with his current wife. As far back as 3+ years. Has cheated on his wife several times before. He was not a great guy. And I find it hard to forgive him for his misdeeds.
So I hope that you, I feel that you, are not like this predator that got a hold of my wife. Why would you be here if you were. But I can relate more to her feelings in your words, even if she is not ready to share as you have. Thank you and I’m sorry for you pain through this tough time. I would like to know a little more about your situation.
How long ago did it end. How long did it last. How long did it take to be ready to talk about it out loud without fear. And how did your wife do through the healing? So on and so on.
Guilty
29. Apr, 2010
At that point, I appreciate the sentiment, I really do, but for me it’s misplaced. The affair lasted a little over a year and our rock bottom point was a couple of months ago, although we’d been going through the whole discovery, apology and relapse phase for quite a while. We started talking out loud almost immediately, but we started talking TRUTHFULLY (or I did, since I was the one lying) about things at that last point. Each of the other times that she found out, I left some sort of avenue of communication open to the OW. It was difficult to let things go and truthfully, the OW was not in the same boat as I was and continued to facilitate that communication. While I’m not a fan of how it happened, my wife finally had enough and let the OW’s spouse know about the relationship. Needless to say, that definitely changed things. My wife is hurt beyond belief. She is not done healing. We are still going through the process. I’ve made a commitment to her, but words do not and will not be enough. I’ve already demonstrated how much I was willing to lie to her. So, we’ve taken actions. I’ve given her unfettered access to my work email and vmail. I’m in constant communication with my wife. Initially, we set aside a certain time, every night, where she would ask me any question she wanted about the OW and the affair. We’d limit it to an hour, so as not to get too buried in it, but after a few weeks, she got tired of asking, and I got tired of answering. The OW was on her second marriage and had never cheated, that I know of. I don’t know if you should even contemplate forgiving the OM. I know my wife doesn’t and will never. (There’s a posting here called the ten reasons why I hate the OW that was inspirational for my wife). I guess she believes that we have a lot to take care about ourselves that devoting energy to forgiving the OW is wasted effort. The bottomline, it’s like any addiction, the user (me) had to hit absolute rock bottom. The thought of my wife leaving me was terrifying. What’s the phrase? The first thing you do when find yourself in a hole is to stop digging. I’ve never been good about expressing my feelings, especially to my wife, but faced with the alternative, I certainly learned quickly how to.
Guilty
29. Apr, 2010
Linda, forgive me, I hadn’t seen your post above. You asked a question around what can the betrayed spouse do? I wish I had the answer. The thing is, I am very much like Doug. I’d rather just not talk about it than deal with it. However, my wife is very persistent. She’s not someone that accepts inactivity. While not giving ultimatums, she would not let me simply “drop it.” That’s why the one hour question time each night was implemented. I know she had questions. Very tough questions, that if left to fester, she’d answer on her own and her answers would probably be worse than the actual answers. One thing she did do was not go insanely crazy when I would proactively share something about the OW and our relationship. It started small, like I would mention that the OW liked a particular song, or that I’d downloaded music special to the OW on my iPod. When the earth didn’t end and the world didn’t crash down, I figured it was all right to answer the really hard stuff. I don’t know if the way we are handling is right. We still have a great amount of anxiety and it’s difficult to be hopeful. I think my wife is much more vigilant and self-reliant now. Her cocoon of safety and security was shattered. She’ll never get that back, but maybe, together, we can create a new and different environment. Only time will tell.
Last2know
29. Apr, 2010
Guilty, you are mourning the loss of “the feeling” not the OW. I don’t think you should be sharing information about the lovey dovey songs you downloaded for that skank. If your wife asks specifics I would share it. Sorry, but you have to understand that the betrayed spouse is angry. YOU have triggers? I can tell you that the triggers your wife is having are pure Hell. Yours are “awww that sign/song reminds me of when skank and I made cyber love”. Stop thinking of her as if she was so perfect. If that were the case she would not be on marriage #2. For all you know she is a real bitch to live with. I bet you have only heard about her bad marriage and bad husband. But haven’t heard his side. I am so glad your wife told him because hopefully she is feeling the exact same pain you are and sadly her H is feeling the exact same pain your wife is. You gettin my drift? We all need healing and recovery. If you took any offense to what I have written you have a long way to go. NOTHING you are feeling compares to the pain your wife is going through. You need to hear this. We are here to help you but you need to man up and be there supporting your wife. I hope you can understand why I am telling you this. I felt sorry for my H but the day his EA ended was the day the nightmare began for me and if he had shown me any sign that he had any “feelings” left for her. I would have left him.
Guilty
29. Apr, 2010
Last2know, there’s absolutely nothing you can say that hasn’t been said or thought by me and my wife. I understand what you’re saying, and by no means am I trying excuse myself nor to underestimate the depth of pain that I’ve caused my wife. That’s not the point of my post. I was asked specifically about the feelings of the cheated spouse. I don’t think that anyone, including myself holds any type of sympathy or empathy for people like me. When my wife and I made the decision to try to salvage our marriage, it was made with the absolute knowledge of how wrong I was. I understand your last point, about leaving your H had he shown any “feelings” for the OW. However, in my case, this whole episode was punctuated by my dishonesty, by my lies. How truthful can your H be with you, if he can not tell you about feelings he’s having, regardless of the pain? The fact that he is mourning does not make up for the pain you’re feeling. It isn’t a contest. If we’re going to make this work, my wife and I resolved to be completely open about the EA. My desire was to bury it, to forget it and move on, but how HONEST would that have been and how long before the resentment of not being able to express feelings would have caused more problems? I already think that I don’t have right to have feelings of frustration or sadness or hopelessness, but if I can’t have those feelings, how much of a recovery can I make with my marriage?
Last2know
30. Apr, 2010
I understand. My husbands hurt and resentment is what caused him to stray. He has always had a difficult time communicating. He never liked confrontation and always protected me. I pleaded with him for years to “talk” but he didn’t know how. So instead of sharing any negatives with me he chose to go outside of the marriage. Now he is unable to protect me from the pain and betrayal I now experience. He has become much better at communicating now than ever before. The things he was hurt and resentful about were easy fixes and not all were about us. So this could possibly been avoided if HE had been open and honest from way back. What do you feel (if anything) was missing in your marriage that made you reach out to someone else?
Guilty
30. Apr, 2010
Last2know, That’s not an easy question to answer, although I think you nailed it on the head when you talked about your H shielding you from bad news. In retrospect, the things that I thought were wrong with my marriage were mostly influenced by discussions with the OW, mostly transferring her issues with her own spouse to my situation. What it really boiled down to for me was that I didn’t feel that I had input to the marriage. I’d come into things believing that my role was to please my wife and answer her needs, no matter what. That was easy when we were courting and dating, but when it came to kids, work, household, I began to feel buried. I still sought to please her, but now it was in the form of acquiescing to every course of action she wanted to follow as it pertained to our lives. She wanted me to get a vasectomy, and demanded the time and place to have one and I didn’t express my misgivings and complied. With money and budget, her priorities became my priorities. At the same time, she was feeling unappreciated, so continuously complained about little things or would go back after me if I’d cleaned the kitchen, basically instilling in me the notion that despite the fact that I’d devoted my existence to pleasing her (at the sacrifice of some of my own needs), it would not be enough. So when the OW came along, I was ripe for someone who seemed to appreciate what I could do for them. It was very much like my wife was before kids, work and life took hold of our lives. That was the illusion. If we’d simply talked, if I’d been proactive about what bothered me, I don’t think we’d be here today.
Last2know
30. Apr, 2010
If I didn’t know Better I would think I was talking to my H. I hope your wife knows what she has to change and do differently for herself. Because this was a result of something that was just not right in your marriage. If you didn’t love your wife you wouldn’t be feeling this pain and if she didn’t love you she would have let go already. I know I have had to do some self searching and actual changes to the way I do and say things. It is even a relief to feel like I don’t have to make all of the decisions etc. I love my H and I don’t want to lose my marriage. We are doing better now than ever before, it’s ashame it took this to get us there. We have been married 18yrs. You both will get through this, many of us here have come along way and it’s only been 8 months since DDay for us.
Lostinlove
24. Nov, 2010
Thank you all for sharing your heartache. I am just starting to, or at least trying to start my recovery. Last week I uncovered my husbands emotional affair. He has stated it was “nothing” just friends..all the things that are on every web site. His EA was with an ex-co worker, I felt that something was wrong for quite awhile, all the while asking my husband and being told I was crazy, I needed medication, I was the one that had something going on the side. It devastaed me, because all the while I have heard, if they are accusing then they are using. My husband is an alcoholic, after his drinking led to physical abuse I put my foot down, I told him that the kids and I would leave if there was one more incident in our family. Then came another, and while I was trying to recover from being abused from the alcohol, verbal and physical…….i found the affair. He hasn’t had a drink for about 8 weeks now, and says the OW is totally out of his life, that they never met in person and the phone records state only one or two calls over a four month period. But, the texting was every day, all day…and the lies. I told him if this was just a “friend” then why lie? Over and over again…he just keeps saying he’s stupid, he’s sorry, he never thought of it as anything more…But I don’t believe him, although he says all the words i would love to hear, i don’t believe that anything will change. He has always been insecure, he has always sought the attention of other women, in a non threatening way, he likes to have the attention. I on the other hand am over it, I love him but I do not know what to do now. I am a beautiful, intelligent woman who is well known and loved in my community, I have three teens who are also at the end of this rope.. I do not know what to do,, how do I pretend all is well, when I just want to pull the covers over. It’s taking everything I have just to go to work, now it’s the holidays and i have to go to his family’s, and I can’t breathe.. I know this is probably the same that people write all the time…But I feel so alone. I thank you for the opportunity to write this. God Bless all of you who are going thru betrayel…it’s horrible.
Doug
24. Nov, 2010
Lostinlove, Thanks for sharing your story. Please read through as many of the posts and comments as you can, and I think that you will find some ideas to help you begin to recover. When you have other issues, such as alcoholism involved, things get a little tricky. Hopefully, now that he is sober-and can remain so-things will improve for you.
stupidandtrusting
25. Nov, 2010
Lostinlove – I think most of us have experienced the feeling that they can’t breathe – we all understand and we are all here for you. I hope you can enjoy your holiday.
Sick With Guilt
07. Apr, 2011
Thank you so much for your post. I am the guilty party, and was found out a week ago tomorrow. This was a two year affair where we spoke daily via IM and Email Monday – Friday, occasional phone conversations, and we actually physically met up for sexual contact four times over the two year period. I am just physically sick right now. I have only eaten four meals in six days. I feel terrible that I have caused this pain for my husband and family as well as the OM’s family. His wife emailed me yesterday and I apologized profusely. (My husband revealed the affair to her…) Although I told my husband I had ended all contact with the OM, we had secretly been in contact over the past week reassuring each other that things would be okay for us, apologizing to each other for the problems we have caused each other, and basically trying to help each other with what we would say to each other’s spouses to make things easier. Now that I have emailed his spouse and told her how much he loves her and cherishes her and I am sorry for the pain I have caused, he has abruptly told me, “Don’t contact me. Not to be rude.”
Our ‘relationship’ was 80% friendship and 20% sexual in nature. We shared sexual fantasies, etc. But there was never really a problem with the sex life in my marriage. I was looking for emotional intimacy. Now I see that perhaps I was just completely manipulated given my final contact with him today. I feel used. I felt this man was my best friend and confidant. There was never any talk of us being with one another, just confiding about problems in respective marriages and of course the normal flattery, talking about mutual interests, etc. Now that I have effectively saved his ass as much as possible for the sake of his marriage and told his wife exactly what he wanted me to tell her, he has absolutely no use for me. Of course I know all contact has to cease. My husband and I are going to counseling. I am trying to conquer my demons and fix the problems in my marriage for the sake of my children. However, the pain I feel over the realization that perhaps this ‘friendship’ that consumed so much time and energy was a bit of a sham has me crushed. I feel thrown away like a piece of trash. My husband is telling me I am a piece of trash. And now I must cope with the idea that the “view” I had of the OM was probably just all a fantasy and completely wrong.
Anyway, I guess just wanted to thank you for sharing. I am in so much pain right now, and as stated, everything out there deals with the pain of the injured spouse and not the pain of the individual who had the affair. Feels a bit better knowing someone has been in my shoes.
alycon
20. Jul, 2011
OMG Sick With Guilt, this is so why I would never EVER cheat on my man, why I’ve never cheated on any man I loved. The bottom line – you destroy other people and degrade yourself. Far, far better to hold on to one’s dignity and refuse to let yourself be swept away by the adrenalin rush, it’s a drug that loses potency in every relationship, not just EA’s.
I’ve been literally melting with rage over the woman my H had his EA with and the women he’s played ‘knight in shining armour’ to since (basically being there for them and doing little things for them) fo the past 11 months but reading your post has triggered unexcpected compassion for you in me (though I have to say not to the women my H has been ‘hanging around’).
I hope you don’t think I’m being rude, as I’m thinking about you – yes, you’ve hurt the wife and the family, but you deserve to be loved by someone who doesn’t use you as a diversion from their problems and responsibilities. We all deserve better than that. I truly hope that you find peace and someone who will give you the love you deserve.
Sick With Guilt
21. Jul, 2011
Alycon: I appreciate your post and wish I had someone to say this to me before I ever even got involved in this mess. Your post made me cry.
It is now almost four (4) months later, and H and I are still going to counseling and still healing. What I can tell you is that the communication between H and I is better than it has been in 12 years, and although rebuilding trust is difficult, it can be done.
I haven’t spoken to OM since that last post… and I am glad I haven’t. I hope he and his wife are going to counseling as well and they are able to salvage something from the poor choices we made. But you are right… I allowed my low self esteem and the illusion that was painted to destroy what shred of self respect I had. In turn I have lost all respect for the person he portrayed himself to be and wasn’t. It’s double the hurt really… sad for his wife and family, sad for my family… just sad.
I really very much hope that you are able to find forgiveness in your heart. Not for the OW, but at least for your spouse. The anger and hate only hurts you unfortunately… I can tell you are a beautiful, loving soul. You didn’t deserve something like this… no one does. No matter what you choose, either to forgive or to move forward, you are strong and will make it out the other end better than ever. I will have to live with the rammifications of my terrible choices for the rest of my life, but I have learned that I have to love myself before I can ever really give or receive love. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts, and I truly wish you well in the healing process.
guilty
28. Sep, 2011
My H and I have only been married 7 months when I had a dream about OM and looked him up on FB and the “catch up” had turned into an EA. Told my H I wanted to split up. History of OM — 12 years ago fell in love with him but I was only 14 so my parents didn’t allow us to date. He moved on. Two years later he comes back to say he’s going to break up with his gf to come back to me. Instead of doing that he disappeared. Two years later he comes back again and says the same thing but gf still around and I was overseas and the long distance issue and the gf still around, I decided I had to “move on”.
However when i found out he was getting married (not the same gf) was devastated and broke up with bf. no contact for 2 years. He emails out of the blue to say hi and asking if we could still be friends, I was dating my now Husband then. At that point I thought I was fine but I was not as I again crumble in inexplicable despair as I hear about his wife and baby and tells him we have to cut contact immediately as it is inappropriate (he was telling me about how he regrets things etc). I thought then whether I should break up with bf as felt like was not over the first guy (OM) but didn’t and married him so then this year as I mentioned in the beginning –4 months of EA. I ended it. also against my shrink’s advice, I confessed to my H and told my H I wanted to split up. H doesn’t want to split up eventhough very angry and upset about the whole thing. I just didn’t know what to think and feel and didn’t know how to deal with the situation.
Been to counselling. was told I’m addicted to OM. or rather I’m addicted to the fantasy. have unresolved abandonment issue (not just with OM but childhood) obviously as I can now see that I was looking for validation, have been holding on to fantasy, etc struggles with feelings of loss and grief as i know I should have been over OM a long time ago and I don’t know how to truly let go of past. One shrink said work on marriage. Other shrink said should think about whether I truly do love my h and willing to commit to marriage 100% as she feels i’m not sure after all.
H has trouble expressing himself. I don’t know what to say to him either. been trying to move on but struggle as although on good days I can feel positive that my H and I can recover but on bad days I just want to walk away because I don’t know how I can be sure of anything. not only has the EA damaged marriage but also belief in self and in love. can’t believe i did something so terrible so early on in our marriage. H said he feels like he’s a mistake and an obstacle to my true dreams. shame, guilt, devastation…don’t know how to deal with it.
still feel lost. hoping to learn from some of the articles here. just this first one and the comments have already been great.
Holding pattern
07. Nov, 2011
I’m nearly 4 months since D-day. At first things seems to be getting better, but now my wife and I are stuck in a holding pattern. Despite being cheated on, I was doing everything I can do to win my wife back and have her go “all-in” with me (and our 2 kids) and put the past in past. Unfortunately, the affair (lasted 4 months) hadn’t run its course when it was discovered. As such, my wife still wonders if life would be an 8 with me and a 10 with the OM. Reading posts here, it seems like she is still in the fog and struggling with withdrawal. However, she doesn’t want to talk about it, we’ve stopped going to counselling together, and she won’t read about it (as doesn’t think her relationship with OM fits into the classic case – though I think it does). To make matters worse my wife and the OM still work together and see each other in meetings 2x per week (no complete separation). She is working on a project launching in April and is willing to look for another job after the April launch. The OM is working on his marriage and my wife doesn’t know how they are doing as she says they aren’t talking on a personal level. I’ve tried to back-off and not bring it up and push her away. Her affair has not been made public to our friends/families. We’re living together as good friends and she’s given me the “i love you, but not in love with you speech”. Although being in limbo it is eating me up in side, is there anything else I can do besides just give it time? Is backing off the key? or should i not take this lying down, stand up to her and make her choose, and expose the affair?
Sick With Guilt
07. Nov, 2011
Dear Alycon: I hope that some time has help to start healing your wounds. Six months in now for me. Still going to counseling with my husband, things still improving, although sometimes more slowly than I would like. But by putting my time and energy where they belong… with my husband and children… I know I am making the right choice and see what a stupid mistake I made. I would talk to OM, get all this attention, pseudo-caring, understanding, whatever… and then would go home, push my spouse away and resent him. Just a vicious and stupid cycle.
I would be a liar if I said the OM never crosses my mind. Sometimes because I miss having a confidant. Sometimes because I reflect on how I got so caught up in something that wasn’t ever real… at least on his end. And a lot because I feel for his spouse. Towards the end I found out that he was also in contact with his H.S. girlfriend via FB. Wonder if he’s still emailing her behind his wife’s back? I know he met up with her and at the very least told her that he regretted dumping her the way that he did back in H.S. She’s single and very attractive, so I am assuming perhaps another affair in the making? Who knows. I cry, because I hurt my family. I cry because it hurts that I allowed this to happen. And sure, I cry because I miss the illusion of what I had. Which was just that… an illusion. I did feel like he was my best friend. But best friends don’t put you in a postion or allow you to be put in a position for that much pain.
HOLDING PATTERN: Of course the affair hadn’t run its course when they had been found out. They would still probably be carrying on if they hadn’t been found out. I am saying this from experience. In my opinion, if the OM is working on his marriage, then how would things with him ever be a “10″? He obviously isn’t dropping everything and telling your spouse to do the same. Instead, he is working things out at home, or at least trying to. I feel like women in general have been done a disservice by movies, the media… we fall into the “Prince Charming” fascade. We are never supposed to argue with our spouses, the sex is always amazing, the diapers miraculously get changed… you name it. None of that is real. When you are in an emotional… or a physical affair… very rarely are the day to day life issues we all face brought into play. Instead you end up with a sympathetic ear about the problems, the “I can’t believe he/she said that, would treat you that way, doesn’t see how sexy you are…” I could go on and on. But that is not reality.
From your post, you appear to be the one doing a lot of the work… you want to go to counseling and you say she has given up. She also doesn’t want to talk about any of it. No kidding, it’s painful. I don’t like talking about it with my husband either, but it’s part of the healing process for him, and as unpleasant as it may be for both of us, if that is what it takes, then I am in.
The ball really seems to be in her court right now. But to build trust, she really needs to take ownership of what she did, the feelings and emotions it caused, and then decide whether or not to try to work through the problems with you or move on. Affairs are rarely the cause of marital problems… they are a symptom of something that was missing or a problem that is there. No one can tell you what the right path is, but living in limbo and not moving forward is surely difficult. No one knows what the future will hold, but at least I know I have done everything in my power to rectify all the problems and issues within our marriage that led me to stray in the first place. If things don’t work, it will not be because I took the easy way out or was blinded seeing someone in the light they wanted me to see them in.
Best wishes and good luck.