By Linda & Doug
We wanted to share a post from our forum that we thought was just terrific.
Though this reader’s marriage looks as though it may not survive, she has found inner strength from her husband’s affair and is moving on in a positive fashion. Healing from infidelity to her means learning from the whole episode and being a better person as a result.
Here it is…
Saw this quote today:
“Be loved, but never love. Attach but never combine. Trip but never fall. To be broken is better than to be shattered. Tell him of your strength, but never of your past. Be trustworthy but never trust. Be cracked but never open.”
At first I was shaking my head up and down in acknowledgment. Then I realized how bitter that whole statement sounds. After the last year of my life, I was ready to agree to this statement. Wow, totally not like me.
But I have seen many friends fall prey to the bitterness that engulfs our hearts when something bad happens to us in our life. I can honestly say that the last year of my life has been the hardest of my life. But also the best learning experience ever. I am not the same person I was last year. Not even close. I am better.
So I can choose to let the actions of the last year destroy me and make me a bitter person, or instead, I can choose to learn from them and take everything I learned forward to make my life better. I can guard against happiness and love, or I can embrace it should it ever come my way again.
I choose to embrace life. Love, though I do not believe I will actively seek it out, should it ever come my way again, I will embrace it, not run from it or hide. I will love fully. I will fall, as is meant to be. To be broken is truly better than to be shattered, but to be loved to the point that you know in your heart you will not be shattered would be the ultimate glory and the goal that would never be attained had you not risked being shattered. I will trust, for in order to have trust, you must be willing to give it. And I will be open not cracked, for being cracked means you are close to being shattered.
Today I took a step I never dreamed I would have to. I filed for divorce. I have had the papers prepared for a couple of weeks now and kept giving him the opportunity to tell me he didn’t want it. While he did say he wasn’t ready and didn’t want it “right now,” he fell short of saying he was coming home, “Don’t do it.”
As I stood at the counter at the courthouse and watched a man I used to work with enter all of our information into the computer, our date of marriage, our separation date, our children’s names, and our names, I got teary. It was a tough but necessary step to take. I went in a great mood knowing it was what I needed to do, left in a so-so mood, but STILL knowing it was what I needed to do.
I am ready and am moving on. The healing will continue of course as I move on and repair my heart and my life. But I have a friend now to confide in who appreciates me for all that I am. It’s been a long, long year and even longer 8 months since the separation started, but I feel like I have wasted enough time and pain on someone who isn’t going to ever really appreciate me.
I will still be around to help and comment. I appreciate this site more than anyone will know. It has helped me through so very much and I will always cherish everything I have learned from all of you here, especially Doug and Linda. I commend Doug for pulling his head out of his ass before it was too late. And I commend Linda for taking him back and making it better than before.
14 replies to "Healing from Infidelity: I Liberated Myself Today"
This is beautiful; empowering, positive, dynamic. It’s only been just shy of five months for me since confession, but facing the reality of divorce, making it MY decision, confronting my fear and pain of a lost love has made me a stronger man. It gave me power over my life and served notice to my wife that I will not be a sad, cowering, pleading child hungry for attention. I am willing to make the hard choice, the honest choice for MY happiness and well-being.
Those coming out of affairs seem to be the most selfish people on earth. Not only was it a selfish decision in the first place, but then they have the audacity to ask for time and space to recover from their “love,” to understand what it all meant (here’s a clue: lust), so that maybe they’ll be come home.
My wife and I are making baby-steps toward healing. These steps, however, only seem to come about as a result of my intolerance for her vacillation. I told her I am ready for a divorce, that while I am giving her time and space I am also focusing on what I want, what makes me happy.
It’s a great feeling to be in charge of your own life.
Duane, Great words or wisdom. I like how you’re taking control and focusing on you.
Duane,
Heartfelt words for someone who is almost there. I know I’ve said it before but the kick in the nuts sunday was yet another reason I know she isn’t ready to change. And may never be.
I laid it all out there sunday. Held nothing back and kept my mind focused on the here and now. Not what was 4 months ago. But her continued disregard for my healing. She says she thinks I will never be over this and perhaps she right. Because as the days go by and I still find things, I realize I may never know the truth until she leaves. Until I’m strong enough to say I will be ok without her.
I’m sorry to hear that it is still so hard to do even after a year. Its been 6 months sense d-day for me and 4 month from the last confirmed contact with him.
Yes I just found out that for a month after I told her I would move to a divorce if she wanted to, she was still talking to him. My discovery was in going through our sons phone bill for my mother. My mom gave my son an extra phone she had on christmas and my wife used it to talk to him even after she told me she was done and only wanted me.
So the lies continue. After my discovery of her trip to see him I gave her every chance to come clean with more. I asked her direct questions about my son’s phone and her trip. I thought that I found out one lie but yesterday I found out she had lied to my face twice that day.
Today is a bad day. I’m done with the lies. I’m done with her “I didn’t want to hurt you” answers. I’m done with her not being honest. I’m done with the pain of my selfish quest for truth.
-I’M DONE-
She will never change. She will never want to get help. She will never be honest with me. She will never realize that it not me that she’s lieing to, it’s herself.
-SHE WILL NEVER BE OVER THIS-
Michael,
It is very natural for her to have a hard time letting go. Whatever decision you choose is ultimately up to you. But I encourage you to keep investigating. I know that the worst phrase to hear is “I lied because I didn’t want to hurt you worse” I have heard it for the past 8 months. They don’t ever get it through thier head no matter how much you tell them, “The truth hurts, but lies hurt worse” they still believe, even after getting caught, that they will be able to “slip one by” In her mind she was trying to wean herself off of him, while keeping it from you.
Maybe it is too late, but if she REALLY has not had contact with him for four months, maybe it isn’t time to throw the towel in just yet.
Just a thought.
Michael,
I have a slightly different opinion. I have been through the same thing as you with my STBXW of 15 years. Her affair lasted about 2 years, if it ever really ended. After many D days, she was still lying or only giving me half truths. I never got the whole story or answers to most of my questions. I too found out that she was lying to me and still in contact with him for over a year after the last D Day. I finally gave up after a year of trying and filed for divorce. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but I realize that she will never change back to the wonderful, honest, and faithful wife she was before she cheated. The innocence, purity and exclusivity of our marriage, everything that made it special, was gone forever…she destroyed it. I also realize that I can never trust her again…she has caused too much damage. She did little to help me trust her again and showed almost no empathy or remorse. If I stayed in this marriage, I would always be wondering where she was every time she left the house. I can’t live like that anymore.
My divorce is almost final and I am now looking forward to my new life without the constant worry and stress of an ambivalent wife who, after that much time, still doesn’t know what she wants. The divorce process took almost a year. I always hoped that she would wake up and commit to rebuilding our marriage…but she didn’t.
I have read that sometimes a fresh set of Divorce papers will wake up an ambivalent spouse. It didn’t work for me but it is worth a shot. Think of it this way. If you file and she wakes up and commits to rebuilding your marriage then you have your answer and you move forward. If she walks then you still have your answer…but you move on. In the end, this is your choice to make now…not hers.
Reading the post about being liberated was very eye-opening to me. I have been divorced for 12 years. I learned that my husband had been cheating on me for most of the 12 years of our marriage. After the marriage ended, I dated and had several significant relationships. Each one of them cheated, either physically or emotionally, with another woman. I have found myself getting bitter and closed. Reading the post reminded me that bitter and closed is no way to live nor is it fair to the person that I love.
To the person who shared her thoughts and feelings – my heart felt THANK YOU for the reminder.
To others who have survived infidelity, there is no quick fix. It doesn’t hurt as much now, but it still hurts and at difficult times in my life, the hurt and questions still raise their ugly heads until I am reminded of how blessed I truly am.
Pamela, Thank you for sharing and welcome!
Doug and Linda,
I am checking in after a year! Its been a whirlwind of a year and I have seen so many of the same situations hit so close to home. I am referring a close friend here and I hope that she can find the same solace I did. I also hope that it all works out and things are better for her than they turned out for me.
Here is a little update.
I filed for divorce a year ago. We still played games through November of last year when I finally woke up. He took me for dinner (a very nice dinner by the way) and drinks and I stayed at his apartment with him. When we woke up the next morning the first thing out of his mouth was not about me. He turned to me and said “What if she drives through the parking lot?” I was dumbfounded and ashamed of myself for falling in that trap. I got up and left without a word and things have not been the same since.
The funny thing is, I filed my final divorce papers (for the judgement) Exactly 1 year to the day I originally filed. I am not just sitting waiting for the judge to make it official.
This year has been a milestone for my kids and I. We made it through our first entire school year without him. I am back in the dating world, and while I did go through a period of he’s cute as opposed to he’s nice, I think I am on track now.
I love my life for the most part. It is definitely hard financially, but the absence of turmoil makes up for it. If I could go back in time and keep my husband would I? Thats a really hard question. I do still love my husband and I always will. But I will never go back. Too much damage has been done.
I commend you both for all that you continue to do for everyone else and for yourselves. I am sure I will continue to check in from time to time.
Starting Over, I was actually wondering about you a month or so ago and almost sent you an email to inquire about how things were going. We appreciate you giving us an update, and while it sounds as though you have had your share of struggles over the last year, it also sounds as though you are doing well, being strong and moving on! Best of luck as you continue your journey!
Wow, this just brought me back to that comment from june 7th 2010. A year after a discovered lie. Nothing has changed. Did something want me to read that again. My gut still is uncertain. Another blog just brought me down.
Michael,
I’m sorry you are still feeling so bad after a year. Its been two years since my ordeal started. I wont ever be the same person I was, but it makes me sad to see someone still struggling. I know I did it for a year as well, but it makes me wonder what keeps us going.
I wish you the best, and yes, sometimes things happen for a reason. I firmly believe that. Keep your head up. Keep treading water.
Wow, brilliant! Bitterness is the word, and condition, I have been desperately avoiding. Well done, and thanks for sharing your story, Starting Over, my heart (or what’s left of it, lol) goes out to you Michael, we are in similar emotional states, for too long, huh. I just can’t understand why I keep falling in the holes, my H loves me, and has apologised, been to counselling with me (briefly), been transparent and wants to move forward with me, but I can’t seem to let it go. I just don’t know who this man is anymore, and I can’t trust any of my “friends” anymore, and I used to be so well-adjusted, or so I thought! Crazy.
I’m actually at one and a half years, Dec will be 2. FAR too long. Far too long doing this on my own. It was June last year I discovered more. Her continued affair after I thought it ended. The discovery of my son’s phone record. A year ago July 5th at 12:45 am I lost a good friend and in checking his phone records for his mom found that she had used his too. Both were things that she swore she didn’t do. Well I bet you can understand why I just don’t believe her at all. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried all that I can think of. It just won’t go away while this cloud of mistrust hangs over me. I know she dislikes the mistrust. I know it hurts her heart every time I tell her I just don’t b believe her. But she just won’t do anything about it. She still plays the avoid, misdirect, play on words, ask what I think I know, I lie to him too… Games.
I haven’t blogged at all in a few days. I just don’t see the point. I don’t mind answering when someone asks or has word of encouragement.
My dad is in the hospital, he is doing well, big scare. He picked up a virus while on vacation. So attention has been elsewhere lately.