Infidelity causes intense emotional pain--anger, disbelief, fear, guilt and shame. But an affair doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage.Healing From Infidelity: How to Get Over the Hurt
Recently Linda and I had a morning that didn’t start off too well. She was talking to me about an issue that was mentioned in the comments that upset her with respect to my emotional affair with Tanya. It was early in the morning, and I made the mistake of not thinking before I answered her, and made a comment that really upset her. She ended up crying and then leaving for work in a huff.
Later that morning we spoke about the incident, and the gist of it was that even though we are doing better than we ever have in our married life, and that I’m doing pretty much all the right things to rebuild the trust (though sometimes I screw up) and to make amends for my affair with Tanya, there are still triggers that bring back thoughts and memories that cause Linda a tremendous amount of pain. I thought this might be a subject you all could relate to, so I wanted to address healing from infidelity and how to get over the hurt.
How one gets over the hurt depends on the individual and the dynamics of the affair. One of the problems you may face is that you still don’t understand why it happened, why your spouse did this. If you however, are forgiving and you understand why it happened, you will probably move past the hurt sooner rather than later.
There is no easy way to get over something like this. You may never get over it, but you can learn to manage the pain and the huge sense of loss of that special part of your relationship.
Naturally, since we are going through this ourselves, I must call upon others who have more experience and knowledge in this arena. So I went to our old friend, Dr. Huizenga, author of the book, “Break Free From the Affair.”
Dr.Huizenga says “The first way to help minimize the pain is to not try to get rid of it, but to acknowledge it. Acknowledge your pain. Know that it’s there. Know that it’s going to be there.” After all, part of your world just crashed down around you. You’re going to have pain and you’re going to feel like something has been stolen from you. And that’s OK. It’s normal.
He goes on to say, “The second way to look at the pain is to know that your pain is telling you that you want something. Your pain is distress, which is saying to you, ‘Something is extremely, extremely important to me that I don’t have, and I want it.’ So pain, in some ways, is an indicator of lack. Just pay attention to that, and ask yourself, ‘What is my pain telling me in terms of that which I want most desperately, most dearly?’”
Other ways to manage the pain…
One way to help get rid of the hurt is to learn all that you can about infidelity and surround yourself with support. Many of you come to this blog for those very reasons. If you have not been involved with the folks that comment on this blog yet, you are missing a wealth of information and support from people that are going through the same thing as you. (BTW…soon we hope to be adding a forum–once I get the technical stuff figured out).
Dr. Huizenga also had an idea that I thought was a good one: “Get a timer. A kitchen timer will do, any simple timer, and set it for two minutes. And when you feel the pain most intently, get out a piece of paper and pencil and write down everything you’re thinking and everything you’re feeling. When the two minutes is up, put it aside. Say to yourself, OK, I’ve paid attention to my pain. Now, I have to go and do something else.”
Another idea is to wholeheartedly throw yourself into something. If it is your job, you can advance your career while dealing with your issues. If it is a new hobby, you can learn a new skill or language while working through your pain.
If music is a hobby you enjoy, try putting on some soothing tunes to relax you and to slow the racing thoughts in your mind. Watching a mind-numbing but funny television show can also give your mind a chance to rest.
Pranayama, a breathing exercise, and yoga can also help you relax and clear your mind as you gain a stronger body. Meditation can also assist you in clearing your mind and living a happier life while strengthening and clearing your mind.
Of course, if all the other tactics fail, or if you are suffering from severe depression or thoughts of suicide, then you should seek professional help. A professional can help you deal with your inner pain and help you manage it better.
Some good advice…
Recently, a person who is healing from infidelity wrote to us and has a pretty decent perspective on getting over the hurt: “People will tell you to get counseling, do things you enjoy etc. I have done all of those and am on meds, but I still do not enjoy life and the things I once loved to do the way I used to. However, I think by still doing things I enjoy, I have managed to keep my sanity. The best advice I can give, as I have the same questions you do is that you should sort out the whole situation and put it in perspective. Try to understand why it happened. Then you can try to pick up the pieces and begin the mending process 1 day at a time. Know that your needs must come first now! Demand nothing less than the best, which is where my husband failed. Just understand that you will never ever be the same again, but this does not have to be a bad thing. Try to be positive and take life on one moment at a time.”
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I believe I know why my husband had an affair 1) he has a low self esteem about himself due to his parents as a child being overweight. 2) he love women paying attention to him and boosting his ego. 3) he gets bored quickly. 4) we met when we were only 15 and got married at 18 and now 35 yrs later he thinks he need to live his teen years since he didnt have any. I have know all that, I understand all that but what I dont understand is why doesnt he just leave me, why keep cheating on me? Today is a bad day for me I am finding out so many bad thinks about the ow and all I can think of is he put her on a pedastil over ME OMG. He professed his lover for her over me. Ok this was my 2 min. Feeling sorry for me is over now. Thanks
I want to say that I don’t feel hurt from what happened today. There may come more if I find out more but as of today I don’t feel hurt for the past and I forgive her for what happened.
But, and isn’t there always a but, I feel today that she has and is showing me that I am not worthy of her all. Like she knows I’m not going anywhere, so why do anything above and beyond what she has done.
I feel I’m not worthy of the truth. I am not worthy of the same devotion she has shown him. And that I am not worthy of her low feelings. She saw him as her “best friend” and she could talk to him about everything. And I’m just her husband who should just do what I’m supposed to.
One thing my friend said was that she could talk to him because there was no obligation there to him. She could tell him things because he would take those feeling and put them off on me or others in her past. And he could show her how she was doing no wrong.
With me she must feel tremendous shame, and guilt. And that probably doesn’t feel good. But she won’t trust me with those feelings. She won’t trust me with the true her. And she has been so good at lieing about everything. How can I believe her now. So if those feelings come back. Will I be going through this all over again. She has told me time and time again that I need to let her deal with things on her own. That doesn’t sound like the marriage I want. That doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. That doesn’t sound like I am worthy of her in her eyes. Maybe she is just waiting for the day she can be with him.
I can’t just sit and wait for it to happen again. Will I be happy with what she Is willing to give me. Should I find happiness on my own. And what will happen if a woman shows me the attention I need and don’t get from my wife.
Don’t get me wrong I have thought about it. But I was in survival mode. I was scared of loosing my family. And I wasn’t going to be distracted by anyone else. If my feelings continue, and we don’t move closer to each other. What will happen then?
On a separate note should I take “I don’t know” of “maybe” as an answer for the tough questions. When I try to talk to her I don’t get straight answers. When I caught her in a lie, she still says its because she didn’t want to hurt me anymore.
I think it shows how little she feels about herself. Can I hope and pray that she will get better on her own. With help from no one. Isn’t that what put her in the place to get in touch with him. How much unhappiness on my part will put her back in his arms.
Sorry to be so vocal today but its been a while since I’ve been able to vent here. I think I’ve missed a lot. And yes it is a bad day.
I need your help. I’ll try to summarize my story first. Husband had a midlife crisis 10 years ago, joined a gym, got a cell phone and a new set of friends he didn’t share with me. Started going to happy hour with the group and without me, secretly–I thought he was at work, so he got away with this for almost 2 years. When I found out, I insisted that he stop or include me.
I went about everything the wrong way, expressing anger and outrage and how wrong his behavior was. He ignored my tantrums and went further underground, beginning an EA with one of those women that lasted 8 years, despite my constant suspicions and occasional “proof”–he always denied it and threatened divorce if I didn’t stop accusing him.
I was so broke and so busy with kids and job, and very committed to marriage, so I thought I’d wait it out for the MLC to end. Just when I thought it had ended and things were getting better between us, I discovered real proof of a very intimate connection and daily contact/communication, ongoing. I confronted him and demanded he choose me or her.
It took us 1 1/2 YEARS of struggle in which he denied, justified, insisted they were just friends and refused to end it. Sometimes he would say he had ended it, then I’d find more communication between them. So he’s had a long history of lying and sneaking and that behavior is ingrained now. I started hating him as much as I loved him.
I couldn’t believe he could treat me this way or that he could expend so much effort toward that relationship while spending NO effort on our marriage. I still can’t believe he could have that kind of connection to a single woman for so long and not have sex with her. Finally we agreed he needed to move out and decide whether he could end it; and he could only come home if he ended it. He did end it, and I believe he did because he told me what was said and gave me back the password so I could see call logs.–no calls; its been 9 months. Still don’t have email password, but I can see it sometimes and there’s nothing. He could have another email address and another cell phone though.
But other patterns and attitudes have stopped so I believe he doesn’t see her, etc. But I NEED transparency–to know where he is, have that password, ask questions he doesn’t want to answer. He gets mad, says I should be over it by now because he is. I’m not over it. I don’t know that I’ll EVER get over it. Especially if he doesn’t come clean about it.
I’m going to share some other posts here with him so he sees I’m not abnormal–everyone who goes through this can’t trust again without transparency. He never acknowledged that what he did was wrong, until after he ended it, he found out one of his male friends broke up with his live-in girlfriend of 5 years because she wouldn’t end an EA. I think other people also told him, when they noticed his “friend” was never around, that they had thought the two were having an affair. That’s when he realized what it had looked like to everyone who knew about it–he tells me “people’s reactions” showed him it was wrong, but he won’t tell me what people or what they said. He also finally realized how much it hurt me after I wrote him a letter describing the pain.
We attended a retrouvaille weekend–best thing we ever did, and it has restored his feelings for me and turned his attitude around, but…
How do I get him to come clean? He says he won’t talk about it forever because it makes him feel like a bad person. That’s not my aim or my problem. He doesn’t seem to feel like he needs to make amends to me. Is there any hope for us? He hates to read (I’ve printed lots of stuff about this topic for him to read); he hates to talk (limits the time, gets defensive); he won’t go to counseling; he thinks he can heal himself and I can heal myself.
Hi Karen, and welcome! If I understand your question correctly, bottom line, you are wanting him to talk and be open and honest about everything. Firstly, know that he may be unwilling to talk for a number of reasons. Perhaps he doesn’t want to hurt you any more, he may feel guilty or ashamed, or maybe communication isn’t his strong suit. Regardless, he needs to know that it is imperative that he discusses things with you so that you can get some sort of closure and move on in the healing process. What helped with me an Linda was that after the initial discovery (and resulting blow up), she learned to talk with me calmly and in a fashion that was conducive to open conversations. She listened to me without reacting or passing judgment and would thank me for being honest–regardless of how much it hurt her. She then would have her turn at telling me her feelings and reactions. Conversely, if she would have not listened to anything I had to say or reacted negatively every single time I said something, then I probably wouldn’t want to talk to her anymore.
Nobody really wants to face their own mistakes and character flaws, and if they are going to be screamed at or chastised every time, it discourages them from even trying. Somehow, the betrayed spouse needs to try to create the atmosphere or opportunities for discussion. With Linda a me, we started to hang out and do fun things together, but also had lots of discussions about the affair (still do). In other words, if you can create an emotional connection with your husband and let him know he won’t be torn apart for what he says, he will be more likely to talk in an honest fashion. I hope that helps.
im still trying to come into terms with it myself.
there are times i feel myself healing then there are days i just want to cause him pain.
i see him trying everyday to make up for what happened. i can admit he looks remorseful and ready to make things works. he might even treat me better nowadays and pays more close attntion to me. might be the guilt of it all or being so close to loosing me , i dont know.
i still love him but i know that i will never forgive him. its true that your never the same again, ang through this i have learned to care and love myself more . im even fulfilling most of my dreams now. i came to realise noone can make you happy,only you can. so all in all the betrayal has made me a better person. i just wish it didnt have to hurt so bad to learn that
Jessica, thanks for commenting and sharing. It sounds as though your husband is truly remorseful, and it very well could be that he realized just what he might lose. You seem to be doing all the right things. Keep it up and good luck. Hopefully, you will at some point be able to forgive as well. Forgiveness is also about you– not your husband–and when you can forgive you can release some of the pain you bare. There are a few posts on forgiveness on this site. You might want to do a search and check them out.