Healing From Infidelity: Don’t Keep It Inside

Posted on 27. Apr, 2010 by in Healing From Infidelity

A recent comment from one of our readers brought back memories on how difficult it was healing from infidelity and continuing to live day to day as if everything was fine while my whole world was falling apart around me.  I would get so angry knowing that if the circumstances were different–for instance, if my husband was sick, or some other tragedy happened to our family, we would have the support of the people around us. With an affair you deal with the pain silently and quite often alone.  No one is there for you, including your spouse, who in the past had always been the one to take care of you.

I felt like a caged animal. I wanted to run away from the pain, but  I knew that I couldn’t because it was my job to make sure everything remained normal with our family.  I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want our children or family to find out, as I was afraid it would tarnish the way they looked at Doug.  I knew that he had made a terrible mistake and this was not the man I knew and loved, but I was afraid that they would never be able to forgive him like I would.

The pain was so difficult that I began avoiding everyone. I was afraid that they would see the pain in my eyes.  Unfortunately I have a very sensitive, intuitive daughter who knew I was dieing inside.  She became my protector, following me around every minute of the day, which made the anxiety even worse.  I had a sense that she knew something was going on, but was too concerned about my own issues at the time to recognize it. I felt I couldn’t deal with another thing so I put it in the back of my mind until one day she just lost it.

This was so unlike her, I thought something terrible had happened to her and I begged her to tell me what was wrong.  Finally she said “Is Daddy having an affair?”  My heart stopped, never in my life would I think I would have to answer a question like that. What could I say to my thirteen year-old daughter to help her understand something that I didn’t understand myself?

I told her that mommy and daddy had been very busy and haven’t had a lot of time to talk or be friends like couples should be, and he found someone at work that he enjoyed talking to.  I told her that we loved each other and are trying to do everything to make it better. That was it.  I didn’t know what else to say.  At that moment I felt the true anger that I should have been experiencing all along.  Up to that point I had put my anger aside while trying to save our marriage.  I went to Doug and told him that I was not taking the blame for this and that this was all his fault.

I know it killed Doug  knowing that his little girl didn’t think he was such the perfect daddy anymore, while I was so angry that he got himself in a situation like this.  I believe this was Doug’s “wake up call.” I am not sure if Doug had completely called off the affair up until then. My instinct tells me no. However, I believe that this was a turning point.  Up until then he was only hurting me, and in his mind that hurt was justified because I wasn’t meeting his needs. Now I had to look in his daughter’s eyes and wonder what was the justification for her hurt?

This experience  brought everything to light. I realized that it was not my job to protect Doug any longer. He got himself in this mess and it was his job to get himself out. I also realized that it was not my sole responsibility to save our marriage. He needed to make an effort if he wanted to stay.  At that point I said enough is enough and I made it clear to him that I wanted to be with him, but I didn’t need him and if the emotional affair continued our marriage would be over.  I believe this episode was a turning point in our healing from infidelity and slowly Doug began to come back to me.

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4 Responses to “Healing From Infidelity: Don’t Keep It Inside”

  1. Last2know

    28. Apr, 2010

    I felt the same. Alone and in immense pain/dazed, confused and riddled with my own guilt and angry about the betrayal. My family loves my H. But one day I went to visit my sister (5 months after D day) for lunch and I work so I was dressed nicely etc. She asked me why I was losing so much weight and how wonderful I looked and then she asked me “are you having an affair” I laughed and then I realized the one person I trust the most is my sister (she adores my H, highly respects him). So I told her and of course she agreed not to judge him etc.

    She said she wanted to be there for both of us. But she told me something I hadn’t thought about and that was “accountability” she said if know one else knows then he got off scott free and he needed to know that someone other than me knew that he wasn’t “perfect” as my family believed him to be. Also he would know that she would be watching him. She spoke to him told him she was there for him too and he cried with her and so forth. But that took a lot of pressure off of me. I never mentioned to him that I told her and he has never mentioned to me that he talked to her. She was sorry that I had suffered alone and she is there for me now. But from my family she is the only one that knows. We have a 16yo son and I am sure he sensed something but never asked. I think that it is important to be able to share. I wished you had been here Sept 5th 2009.

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  2. Heartbroken

    28. Apr, 2010

    This is a great testimonial with many similarities to my own situation. That feeling of being alone to deal with an affair is overwhelming and I totally can relate to how hard it is to hold a smile in front of your children. I found it hardest to kiss them goodnight at bedtime and would frequently leave their rooms in tears thinking how all of this could, and has, changed as a result of her affair. Our daughter sensed something was wrong too, but she approached us at the same time and my wife told her that everything was going to be okay without ever going into specifics. For us, that was still not quite the turning point, but did add a certain reality to her actions that I’m sure has helped us stay together and work through that dark period.

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    • admin

      28. Apr, 2010

      Heartbroken, I can’t tell you how badly I felt when I found out my daughter knew. I wanted so badly to talk to her about it, and reassure her, but Linda felt it best that I did not. I’m happy to say that all is well now, and we now have the best relationship that we have ever had. She also sees what Linda and I are doing together, and though she has not said anything to Linda about it, I know she feels secure that everything is OK.

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  3. Jenn

    20. Oct, 2010

    I just found this post, and this is where I am now. My husband was the ‘perfect’ son, so when he spread lies to his family about me being ‘controlling and jealous and insane’ to cover for the affair he was having, they of course believed him. I asked his mother for help, and got none. When the truth came out, they pretty much ostracized me, never once calling to see how I was doing or what I might need. But my husband gets all the support and praise for ‘doing the right thing’ by ending the affair. I have 3 D-Days over 10 months with him. Each time got harder, and I received NO support from his family–the same family who has watched me love & care for him for 14 years, bear his beautiful daughters, and be vibrant and attractive and fun as his life partner–perfect, no, but we were happy. Not even a single “I’m sorry this is happening. I don’t know what to do or say, but I’m sorry.”
    If I had been in a car accident, they would have visited me in the hospital–I don’t understand why this is different. I needed support, they know I have no family on my side, and they ignored me and did other things–the story’s too long. How do you get past this aspect? I do feel so alone, so isolated, like I have to be the one to do the right thing when no one else will step up and care for me. The ONLY reason I’m still with my husband is the fact that I am a Christian. That has helped me some, but I thinh my husband should be doing more.

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