Getting Over an Affair: Dealing With Affair Withdrawal
Posted on 29. Jun, 2010 by Doug in Ending an Affair
Getting over an affair is not only difficult for the person who was betrayed, but also for the person who had the affair. When you have had an affair, and it ends, you might get a feeling of “withdrawal.” As we have mentioned many times on this blog, being in an affair is a lot like being addicted to a drug. This means that when you end the affair you will have to go through the uncomfortable experience of withdrawal before you can get over it.
There are three major emotional symptoms of affair withdrawal: anger, anxiety, and depression. Why you might have these emotions should be fairly self-explanatory at this point.
I feel that I did indeed have a withdrawal period, though I don’t feel that it lasted that long. (Linda may have a different opinion on that.) After all, I was tiring of the relationship and the hassles involved with it in the first place. As I try to remember back to that period, I know that I felt both a sense of relief that the affair was finally over, yet a sense of loss as well. However, the sense of loss quickly faded for me, and I was able to turn (with Linda’s support) to repairing our damaged relationship.
Dr. Frank Gunzburg, in his book “How to Survive an Affair” says that one can expect to have intense withdrawal symptoms for about three weeks, and you may continue to feel some symptoms for up to six months, but they should gradually diminish in intensity and frequency over this time period.
During this time, you are in a vulnerable position. Like an addict, you might be tempted to use your favorite drug again. You might be tempted to contact your affair partner again to help calm the force of your withdrawal symptoms. Doing so is a little bit like a heroin addict in recovery who says they are “just going to do a little hit to make the pain go away.” This is clearly a terrible idea. If you do this, it is likely you will be tempted to start using again, end up back in the affair, and undo all the difficult work you have done up to this point.
Do not attempt to contact your affair partner as this will destroy your relationship. Instead, reinvest in repairing your relationship. This is liable to be difficult as well, particularly if you have just informed your partner about the affair. If you are talking to your partner at all, it is likely that your communication is negative and difficult. It is unlikely that you will be getting a great deal of positive feedback from your partner at this point and this is bound to make you feel emotionally disconnected. This could worsen your withdrawal symptoms.
Remember that you are going through this painful time for a reason: you want to heal your relationship. You can look at this difficult period as a necessary step to straightening out the mess you have made of your relationship. Like an addict, there may be a period of time in which you suffer.
Going through that is the first step to putting your life and relationship back on the right course. Keep in mind that when you maintain the course of recovery through this rough period of getting over an affair, the reward is a relationship that is better than you ever dreamed. I can honestly say now, that outside of blogging about our experiences, Tanya does not occupy a second of my thoughts, and my marriage is getting better with each passing day.
For our review about Dr. Gunzburg’s program, you can check out this post: http://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-survive-an-affair-review/
HarrieB
30. Jun, 2010
Thats really useful to know, Doug. Thanks for this posting. When I first found out about my H’s EA, I was too angry, hurt, bitter etc and initially didn’t care what he might be feeling – after all, it was probably nothing compared to my own feelings (in my opinion). In my rare clearer thinking moments, however, I had wondered about something like this and wondered whether my angry outbursts, bitterness, and periods of “nutfarm wife” were likely to be counterproductive and more likely to be pushing him back in her direction. I could see that the emotional crackpot he had at home must have seemed a poor “second prize” compared to the cool, calm, and collected, ego-massaging OW. I am not sure whether he has been through an obvious distinct period of withdrawal, as described here, though there have been times when he has been a bit quiet and thoughtful – then of course “nut farm wife” often responds to these by feeling insecure and needy, which must be a real “turn-off” for him! I am not defending him, or even feeling much sympathy, but I am glad to know what might be happening in his head – because he doesn’t always give me many clues – so that I can think about my own response more carefully. As ever, thanks for the information, Doug.
Liz
03. Jul, 2010
I was in a very emotional affair for 12 years. I know that sounds crazy but it just went on and on. I still love him and afraid I will for the rest of my life. I don’t want a divorce from my husband. I love him too but way differently. I could never ever hurt my husband by leaving him. I also don’t want to break up two marriages. My passion and heart was with my affair partner. We have been broken up two years and yes it is a little better but I think of him every single day and we can’t help but talk on the phone here and there as friends. I know it is dangerous but I just can’t lose the friendship too. What a tangled web we weave…..
Doug
03. Jul, 2010
Hi Liz, thanks for commenting. 12 years is a long time for an emotional affair, and I’m sure that there are some very strong feelings binding you two together, but there is no way that you will ever get over it if you continue to have contact with the other man–even as friends. If you love your husband as you say you do, then you should completely break off contact with this man, or at some point your affair will resume.
Ella
23. Dec, 2011
Wow, you’re the first person I’ve heard of who was in an affair for so long. What caused you to end it?
Donna
05. Jul, 2010
Liz, I am the BS and am still hurting everyday from the effects of my husbands emotional/physical affair. When I found out, it was after 9 months and me and my silly ever trusting ways believed that it was over. 3 months later to only be gutted again that it never stopped but continued. Add 4 children into this equation and 1 VERY hurt wife. I am giving my all to my husband and like HarrieB sometimes come across as a crazy nut job to my husband compared to this OW. My husband and maybe I am being niave again and a little too trusting is 5 and a bit weeks of no contact with this other woman… well I am hoping anyway! PLEASE… if you have any R.E.S.P.E.C.T for your husband you will end all contact with this OM or get out of your marriage. I hate that my husband is in love with this other woman and I feel like I am second best, I am so very grateful that he is making an effort to work at our marriage though as hard as it is for the both of us.
I know it will be hard for you, after 12 years that is a very long time. If you really want your marriage to your husband to continue and work, please be respectful of your relationship together and nurture that one.
I wish you all the best.
Polly
14. Sep, 2010
I found out at work through an aynomous phone call that my husband had been seeing someone for 2 years and that they had been having an emotional affair. It was the worst day of my life and I feel completely betrayed. We have been married for 17 years and we have a son that just started highschool. He claims they were nothing more that friends that have bcome very close and that they are probably want should have been. It was so hurtful. He claims he cut it off and does not talk to her anymore. He says that he wants to work it out. When he first told me he acted as if I should feel sorry for her because she has had a terrible marriage and went through a horrid divorce. Yeah right! Well, I am giving it a chance but I am ambivalent at this point. We will see what happens in time. This post helped. Thanks.
LizS
15. Sep, 2010
Polly-they always have reasons and justifications for why they do what they do! No matter what he says it will not change they fact that he has rocked the boat you will have to take some time to look at your situation and decide if this is someone you maybe able to trust with oyur future! Good Luck!
Last2know
15. Sep, 2010
Polly, I feel your pain. It’s been 1yr since I found out about my H’s EA and it is still very hard somedays. Make sure you read about EA’s, why they happen etc. She needs to be out of your lives completely. We are here for you. Yes it does get better.
Liz
04. Nov, 2010
I found out a month ago that my husband was having an EA for 5 weeks with an Old College girlfriend. Needless to say I was shocked. He told me how unhappy he was in our marriage and that he reached out to her because he was missing something in our marriage. We both were unhappy. He said he was sorry and wants a second chance, I know he ended it with her. I want our marriage to work and we are commited to making that happen. I just can’t get past that fact that he desired someone else , that he had every day contact with her. When I first found out, he was withdrawn, kind, but withdrawn, trying to please me. I think he was having a hard time getting over it. He says it only took a couple of days. I do not believ him, it bothers me that he had to get over it. He really does not want to talk about it, he gets mad, catches himslf and then tries to be kind. I never thought something like this would happen. Its so painful. Will I ever feel secure again and pretty? It takes a toll on your self esteem. We have been married for 18 years and have 3 beauitful children. I hope one day I can put this all behind me. One min. I’m fine the next I want to scream and hit him. To know my husband wanted another women kills me. I wonder if he still thinks about her, he says he does not. Its hard to believe.
Doug
04. Nov, 2010
Liz, We understand your pain and your situation, as it is very similar to our own. Just soak up the posts and articles on this site, and get involved with the comments and others will chime in as well.
Liz
04. Nov, 2010
Doug,
Do you think he is still withdrawing? He told me his feelings are totally gone(when I 1st found out) now he says it was hard for only 2 days. When this first happened all I wanted to do was be close with him, he found excuses for 3 weeks not to come to bed with me. Last week something seemed to have lifted. I found out about his EA on Oct 2, our 18th year annver . My husband lost his job 3 days after I found out about his EA, needless to say he has been consumed with finding a job, and I feel like I am on the back burner. He gets mad at me when I bring up the EA, then he softens when he see’s how upset I am. He said horrible things to me the nite I found out. He told me he was not in love with me, but he loved me. He said he and Stephanie should have never broken up. He said we have no soul tie. He also through up her education to me 4.0. MBA. I have neither. He now says he did not mean all those things he said to me , its was because he was angry at me. I know he does not have contact with her, he deleted his secret email in front of me and took her off facebook (they is how they reconnected) at my request My husband said to me he is a selfish person and that he is truly sorry. He told me today that he always knew he had a jewel of a wife and that it was a selfish move on his part. We had a rocky marriage for a while, he was selfish and never there for me emotionaly and through hard times abused me verbally abusive (not on a daily basis) but enough for me to shut done in our marriage. sorry for rambling, its just so nice to have someone listen to me. I cannot tell my family they will want to hunt him down.
Laura
28. Jun, 2011
My 23 year marriage was rocky and my husband thought it best to find a new companion, while staying with me. I knew about her at the start and pleaded with him to stop. This continued for 4 months until he finally decided to stay. But this didn’t mean he wouldn’t still text the OW. I read where the wife has found hundreds of texts between the husband and OW within a month. My husband can text that much within 3 days. Of course, he is a master of deleting things. So the only proof I have is the sprint site that allows me to see the amount of texts as they accumulate. He gets angry with me and says that nothing is going on. They are only friends. And has done everything I have asked to fix the marriage. But still having contact with that woman hurts so bad. I have resolved myself that I can’t live like this. But he won’t leave. And I won’t move the 3 kids. We don’t make enough money to support 2 separate households. I feel stuck. Without any control. How can one force another to do anything? He enjoys their friendship. She obviously doesn’t have any respect for our marriage or my feelings. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Lost
24. Nov, 2011
My story is very complicated. I am married for 22 years and have 3 wonderful kids from it. But I miss the spark in my marriage. My spouse is very much in love with me but we rarely have sex…but I know he loves me and only me. I came in contact with my 1st love after 25 years and we met and within 1 hr we kissed. He felt the same way I did so I thought. His marriage was on the rocks but he has 4 kids and would not want to leave them. Of cause I did not want to leave my kids as well. We texted all day long and all the feeling I had buried came rushing back. Then he tell me he has a gf but is not in love with her but as she was there during his most troubled time he appreciate the love she give him. I wanted to stop but the feeling I had for him was so strong that I said it was ok and that I will just be with him as I do not want to leave my marriage as well.
But you know what I fall in love with him and we made love..he always tell me enjoy the moment do not fall in love…this carried on for abt 7 month…I could not help it but to fall in love with him.. he would text her even when he is with me and it made me so jealous. Many times I say this is stupidity and would tell him I want to end the relationship but will run back to him only after a few days. Then one day I ask him again if he loves his gf he just did not reply. So I asked him why did he contact me when he is in love with her it is like cheating on her? He replied..good question and said goodbye to me..told me that he do not want to cheat on his gf anymore and said we would be friends..so I did what is had to do and stop it. It has been only a few days and I feel I am going crazy..
Anita
25. Nov, 2011
Lost,
You need to get into some counseling, your behavior is inappropriate for being a married woman. You made some choices that are destructive for yourself and your marriage.
This problem your having goes deeper than a lost spark in your marriage. It has to do with you, your judgement on making right choices, is not in balance. Chasing another man while you are a married woman is never an answer to your problem.
Affairs do not help, they are destructive.
You need to work on yourself, and improve on your behavior.
Leave the other man alone, you have enough of your own problems. Your husband deserves a wife who acts responsible, and behaves like a lady.
lost
26. Nov, 2011
Yes I understand what you are telling…even I cannot understand why i do this…it is maybe he is my 1st love..well anyway things between him and I are over…I have manage not to contact him for almost a week now..I will come out this and concentrate on my family.