Your comments from my post from yesterday were insightful and helped me to make a move in the right direction. I believe that I should personally deal with this emptiness feeling and figure out what is missing in my life after Doug's emotional affair.  I am not looking for a quick solution. I am just trying to find meaning.

Jeffrey asked some good questions about if I had felt this emptiness before the affair. Looking back I can honestly say I didn’t.  I had a rewarding career. I always felt very fulfilled as a wife and mother. I had many interests and hobbies that kept me very busy.  I had friends.  In fact, these are all still present today.

The only time I began to feel like something was missing–ironically enough–was when Doug began his emotional affair. I remember watching an Oprah show about a book she was promoting  and some of the guest's comments made me think about my own life.  At the time, I attributed my feelings to the kids getting older and them not needing me as much.  Looking back though, I believe it had more to do with Doug and the feeling that he was pulling away from me, which in turn made me feel helpless.

Even though our marriage was not perfect, and at times we neglected each other, I always felt that we were one. That we had the same commitment, dreams and  feelings for each other. When I think about Tanya being jealous when Doug would spend time with me and his family, I almost laugh because we have always done everything together. There are few families that are as close as ours.  Doug’s emotional affair shattered everything I thought we had. I wondered if the past was all a lie.  Was I living in a fantasy world?

Perhaps I am still grieving the loss of what I thought we had. I know at times I just feel really sad and I can’t pinpoint why. I know that what we have now is different.  But is it better? Are we being “real” with each other or are we trying to prevent another affair? I guess the question we need to ask each other is what we really want from our marriage. What do we need from each other?

I think in many ways we are being too cautious. We're trying to do everything right and by the book.   We're afraid to put our relationship off balance, and afraid to hurt each other. I know that I am trying to be too perfect by following every idea from every book I read and from every relationship expert. I am also afraid to be myself. I don’t completely trust myself to be a good wife or Doug to love me unconditionally. I am afraid he will stop loving me when I have a bad day or not as affectionate as I should be. He has told me to trust him and that he will not stop loving me– but I am still insecure.

I just want the passion back into my life. I let that die the day I found out about the emotional affair. I allowed something that was beyond my control take a part of me and I am having difficulty getting it back. I believe that I have been focusing so much on this affair and how to save our marriage that I have lost what really makes me happy. I know it is right in front of my eyes, living under my roof and around me everyday.  I am just having problems embracing it. I don’t want to be disappointed and hurt again.

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