There are some of you who are further along in the recovery process than others.  Surviving infidelity now has become more a process of strengthening yourself and your marriage instead of dealing with the immediate aftershocks of D-day.

Dr. Willard Harley, in his book “Surviving an Affair,” has four rules of marriage that can guide a couple to total recovery from an affair.  Harley claims that without his four rules you will certainly fail in your efforts at surviving infidelity.

Rule #1:  The Rule of Protection

In a nut shell, you and your spouse avoid being the cause of each other’s unhappiness.  This can include such tendencies to be angry, disrespectful or selfish.  It’s important for you both to agree on virtually anything you do, as one spouse’s actions affect the other either positively or negatively.  This rule will also encourage you to work out any conflicts in a way that is mutually acceptable.  This in turn should help you to create a life that both of you will enjoy.

Rule #2:  The Rule of Care

This rule applies to discovering and understanding your spouse’s most important emotional needs, and then fulfilling those needs in a way that is mutually enjoyable.  Piece of cake, right?

Rule #3:  The Rule of Time

This rule tries to take a couple back to when they were dating.  The premise is that the only way that you can be successful with “The Rule of Care” is to spend time with your spouse, giving them your undivided attention.  Much as you did when you were first dating.  In fact, Harley suggests 15 hours a week.  During this time you will attempt to meet each other’s needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.  That’s a lot of together time, for sure.

While discussing this post last night, Linda and I were trying to recount the hours we spent together last week where we were alone and giving each other our undivided attention.  That means no kids, no TV and no computer, etc.  Sad to say, last week we didn’t’ come very close to 15 hours.  The point is that yes, it can and will be difficult, but isn’t your marriage worth the extra effort to make it happen?  Plus, you can make it fun, exciting and romantic just as you did when you first started dating.

Rule #4:  The Rule of Honesty

I think this statement from Dr. Harley sums this rule up nicely: “…honesty means never leaving your spouse with the false impressions about your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, or plans for the future.”  Honesty is essential for your marriage to be safe and to succeed.  It will bring you closer to your spouse emotionally and will prevent any destructive behaviors from forming.

To be successful at surviving infidelity and creating a strong and happy marriage in the future, following Dr. Harley’s rules can a great game plan for making that happen.  But don’t just set the rules and go from there.  Schedule regular review sessions (part of your 15 hours!) to make sure that you are making steady improvement.  Taking these steps can help you recover and achieve the marriage that you have always wanted.

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