Dealing with the Feeling that You’re Not Good Enough

feeling that you’re not good enoughAs we’ve mentioned numerous times in past posts, there is a natural tendency to want to compare yourself to your spouse’s affair partner and say, “Well, what did this other person have that I didn’t have?”

In truth, this other person in many ways is a fantasy. They’re not in there day to day, dealing with paying the bills, or having to fix things around the house, or taking the trash out or taking care of the kids. So, it’s a very unreal environment, and in the case that it’s an unreal environment, it’s also an unreal relationship. So, there is so much that is not genuine. Remember that true intimacy includes everything in a relationship. It’s not just having all the good stuff. It’s also being able to go through the stuff that’s not so much fun.

The affair itself, along with comparing yourself to the other person and comparing your relationship to the affair relationship will hit upon all of your insecurities and most certainly will cause you to feel as if you are not good enough.

So what are some things you can do to help you feel better about yourself?

For starters, you might try a little physical exercise. Exercise hits the dopamine centers in your brain causing a chemical response that makes you feel good. After a period of regular exercise you will also start to look better. Put those two together and you can’t help but feel better about yourself. As you exercise make sure you eat right too as that can make a big difference.

Doing nice things for yourself, like getting a massage or a manicure or treating yourself to a new wardrobe, can make a big difference as well. Make it a point to treat yourself often, because part of feeling like you’re not good enough gets perpetuated when you keep saying, “Well, I don’t deserve this,” “I don’t deserve that.”

Not to get too psychological here but there may be old issues from your past that are feeding into the concept that “I’m not good enough.” that “I don’t deserve to have good things happen, because bad things have happened to me before, and here’s just another example of that.”

In this instance, it helps to try and shift your focus. Work on something positive. Go and volunteer some time with an organization somewhere or at the local hospital. You will be very appreciated, which is part of what we all want.

It’s also really important for the cheater to do things to acknowledge the person who has been betrayed, to notice when they done something nice for them, or comment, “Gee, you look really handsome,” or, “You look very beautiful today,” or, “Thank you so much for remembering me,” or, “I thought about you today.”

You know, do things to let each other know that you’re still on each other’s mind; because part of not feeling good enough is the feeling that your unfaithful spouse didn’t want to take the time to think about you. So, it’s real important to know you’re still being thought about.

Perhaps you can do things like leave little notes around the house, or a note can suddenly show up in somebody’s car or briefcase. It’s these little things that make a huge difference in terms of the interplay.

Sometimes, people that feel that they’re not good enough can get so stuck in that, so if you are willing to step out a little bit and do something nice for the other person, it makes the other person that much more willing to do something nice for you, and they kind of feed off each other. So, it’s a process. It takes time.

Some more ideas…

You can make a list of all your good attributes. What are the things you do that you can feel positive about? Where are some places you can go that make you feel special and alive? What are some accomplishments that you have in your life? Who are people that are important to you? What are some things that somebody has said before that made you feel good about yourself, be it a friend, a teacher, a coach, or whomever it is?

Everybody has something in their life that they’ve done where they felt good, and it’s important to begin to start putting all those in your arsenal to be able to point to those when you’re feeling bad and not good enough and say, “Well, but, you know, there was that time when I did this; and, yeah, I felt pretty good about that.” And, again, it’s shifting that focus from the negative to the positive.

There’s no sugarcoating things…it takes effort and a real disciplined consciousness to be able to make that shift.

It’s a little bit like everybody who says they want to lose weight…What is involved in losing weight? There are two basic components. There’s exercise, and there’s eating differently. You can think about it, but is that going to make you lose any weight? No. You can go to the gym and still not do anything, and that’s still not going to help. It’s the actual effort, and the initial effort – a conscious effort – does take more discipline.

The more you begin to do these things on a regular basis, the more they start to become second nature and the easier they become – and then you feel better. It’s a cycle that feeds on itself.

Do you struggle with feeling that you’re not good enough as a result of the affair?  Have you had any success with making that shift from being negative to feeling positive?  Please share your thoughts, experiences and suggestions in the comment section below.  Thanks!

 

Be Sociable, Share!

Related posts:

11 Responses to Dealing with the Feeling that You’re Not Good Enough

  1. Rachel May 27, 2014 at 11:27 am #

    My ex’s affair person was a double bagger. Ruff ruff. He said she wasn’t that bad. People will say she and I don’t make a good couple likenyou and I ?
    Now his new gold digger perfect hair perfect tight tanned body, well her and him will make a perfectly wonderful beautiful couple.
    From the outside.
    He cheated on his spouse and she cheated on her two spouses. She makes the rounds with the men at the gym.
    It’s funny that’s what matters to him. What people think? All superficial.
    He has a lot to learn.

  2. Jamie May 28, 2014 at 12:05 am #

    I just feel like no matter what I do I am not good enough or I don’t do it right. The other women looks like a man. I know I am prettier and I have much more to offer but I still feel like I am competing against her. I feel like I am now trying to prove to him that I am worth it and he will loose the best thing that happened to him if he walks away. Does that ever of away?

    • Lynsey May 28, 2014 at 12:11 pm #

      Jamie, you are good enough and don’t not have to prove it oi your H, especially if he’s still in la-la land because if he is, he won’t even notice. How far out are you from D-Day? There is no need to compare yourself to a whore with no morals who is messing around with a married man. Yes, an affair can shatter your confidence, but you CAN get it back, and things will get better. Do things for yourself: learn a new skill, pick up a hobby, exercise, whatever makes you happy. Your H will eventually notice a difference when you become confident, more assertive, etc. Show him that you can make it on your own. Learn about the 180 from past posts on this website. It works.

  3. Broken2 May 28, 2014 at 1:16 pm #

    This issue is huge for me although I don’t really compare myself to the OW I do feel quite often that I’m not good enough for my husband. I know that is ridiculous but I feel it everyday no matter what I do. He tells me constantly and I mean constantly how beautiful I am, how worthy I am of good things, etc. I have done all of the suggestions here….and honestly I feel like I am a good person but not good enough because if I were he wouldn’t have been seeking the attention of other woman. The affair stole from me and gave me a permanent scar. I guess it is something I must learn to live with but it is hard.

  4. Carol May 29, 2014 at 4:53 pm #

    Broken2 and Jamie, I hear you. I struggled with this for a long time. In my case, most people looking in from the outside might well say the OW was ‘better’ than I am — she’s 12 years younger, gorgeous (she has — literally — been featured in _Vogue_), an internationally famous opera singer (did I mention I’m a failed professional musician?), speaks 4 languages fluently (something I’ve always longed to be able to do). Honestly, if my H had deliberately sought out an AP designed to do the most possible damage to my self-esteem, he couldn’t have done a better job.

    At my lowest moments, I thought, “Well, of course — who wouldn’t prefer her to me?” But the people on this board picked me up. They pointed out that she lacks the most important qualities: honesty, selflessness, the ability to love someone truly, kindness, generosity, the strength to face her problems squarely rather than try to self-medicate with somebody else’s husband.

    For some reason, when I first found out — I mean the moment I found out — I told my H that if he thought some opera whore was worth more than his faithful wife of 18 years and the mother of his 3 children, then he was too much of a fool for me and she was welcome to him. I honestly don’t know where that came from — maybe there’s a bit of trailer park left in me, heh. But it took a year or more for me to really *believe* what I’d said in anger, after repeated urging from people on this board and from my mother not to hold myself cheaply.

    It’s taken me even longer to realize that the affair was not about me at all. Even though the affair hurt *me*, and devastated *me*, it was about *his* shortcomings and character flaws, not mine. So many articles on this site drove that point home to me. I’ll hope that you too will be able to believe that and really own it. Because it’s true: a person of strong character will confront problems in his marriage, not run away. He won’t lie, he won’t cheat. The flaws are in him. No shortcomings in you can explain what he did. Or, as my grandmother used to say, you can’t make sense out of nonsense.

    So I’d urge you to be kind to yourself, be patient, and keep focused on those qualities that have real value. The wife of noble character (from Proverbs) is a savvy businesswoman, honest, kind, generous, truly loving of others, honorable, strong enough to confront problems head-on. By definition, an AP will NOT have many of those qualities!

    • Debbie November 28, 2016 at 10:16 am #

      Its been 7months since my husband told me he met someone else and he loves her. An hour later he packed his bags and left me and the kids. 5 days later he moved back home after he realized what he was losing. I have taken him back because I still love him and also because of my kids. It broke my heart when my 14year old asked me to please forgive his dad and give him a second chance. Our relationship is better that what it was before his affair. I think we both took each other for granted. We go on date nights and make sure that we look after our relationship and not only after us as a family. But the problem is I still feel broken inside. I’ve joined the gym (lost a few kg’s), do my nails and hair and just look after myself better to make myself feel better. But I am still broken deep inside. Every time he gets quite I think is he thinking of her because I am boring. She was new, he has been married to me for 21yrs. How do I stop feeling broken. How do you let go of the pain of your husband walking out on you after 21 yrs even if he realized afterwards it was a mistake. It feels like that moment has defined me deep inside.

      • Shifting Impressions November 28, 2016 at 1:59 pm #

        Debbie
        Yes….that is putting it well…..I know that I will never be the same as well.

        It has been three years for me since d-day and slowly slowly I am starting to feel more like my old self. Coming here and reading other people’s stories, reading lots of books on the subject and seeing a counselor have all been very helpful. We were married almost forty years before I discovered the Emotional Affair that had been going on for over a year.

        Self care is really important. Also we had to go through and still have to go through many painful converstions about what went so very wrong. And having those conversations can be like pulling teeth as they really don’t want to talk about it.

        Seeing my husbands true remorse has also been really helpful. But in all honesty it’s been the most difficult journey of my life.

        Hang in there

  5. Joan May 30, 2014 at 10:07 am #

    He was over 50 and infatuated —he used the term “smitten” ..one-way emotionally addicted…she was a brilliant 18 year old student at university …interested in the same subjects as he was. She was book smart and ambitious and starved for attention from her successful father. He was unemployed and wrote her a lengthy letter (secretly)-accompanying our family’s gift for her graduation. She wrote him an over the top, embarrassingly effusive thank you calling him wise, wonderful and signed “all my love” which he took to mean something different than it did. He began to email her daily…at least a page. Asking questions, discussing books they had both read, being funny and showing how well he wrote and told her how smart and mature she was etc. went on for 3 months till I discovered the emails just before a birthday party for an 80 year old mutual friend at which they would both be. I saw him engaged in deep conversation across the table from me for almost two hours at which time he said he would come to see her at school some Saturday and take her out for coffee (about 40 minutes away). In the meantime he was unemployed and not doing the yard work nor helping with our teenage kids nor expressing any interest in their activities. I was working full time and doing it all while he was downstairs on the computer late at night “job hunting ” when he was actually hard at work composing emails that would impress her. when we got to the car I blew up and told him what I found out. He was livid and said he could have whatever friends he wanted. Fast forward 2 years later after he “gave her up” …before it became something else. He has sneaked looking her up on social networks and lied about it,watched her from afar at church mournfully. And we have been in counseling since then. He said he was over her but now she is the girlfriend of the son of one of our good friends who has just posted pictures of them together at his graduation on Facebook. I didn’t say anything about the pictures. But last night he accused me of erasing things from his Facebook account because he did not see the pictures and had before. I had not done so,but asked him why he went looking for them again if he was “over ” her. He said I was “thick” for just not understanding how FB worked because it was in a timeline or something like that and got very upset….I became angry and said hurtful things like “I am glad she found someone who is so much better for her than a married man who is 40 years older.” And he said that I “misread” the situation. Even though at the time 2 years ago he had blurted out that I didn’t know what it was like to “love someone and they didn’t love you back” in reference to her. So here we are…thousands of dollars of counseling fees…and he still refuses to do something about this addiction. She had flattered him…and he lapped it up. and he missed it. But he had flattered and cajoled her first. He doesn’t do this with me or he may have gotten that back. I want him to write me daily as he did her and ask me questions because he never asked me the things he asked her…thoughts and dreams, talking about books, even asking her about her child rearing beliefs!!!! He says I see him each day so he can’t write me but the kind of writing he did would not have been said in person. He writes beautifully and I am heartsick that she shall remain the person he wrote to the most…and we have been married over 30 years. The therapist has asked that he begin to write me but once in awhile he will write me a very short “love note” that has “more meaning” in it. My problem is the intensity and frequency of his correspondence. He has never done that or tried to have that much of an emotional or intellectual connection with me. He worked at it with her. But says he should not have to do that with me and I needed to show him some more acceptance that what he is doing for me is good enough because he says I am too critical about his efforts. I say his efforts are not much and he hasn’t changed much. He says he has. And there we are. At an impasse. He says he doesn’t feel like writing because I am too angry. But I am only angry when I find out that he is still interested in any way about her. I am sick of it.

  6. BeckyB May 31, 2014 at 7:25 am #

    Please hear this EVERY ONE OF US WERE TOO GOOD. This is the reality no sane person goes after roadkill unless they are sick. Please remember sick people are hurt and hurt can come out as hurting others mentally or physically or it can come out as anger (both are hurt not dealt with internally) immature people act like overgrown toddlers. Personally at 2years and 9 months from #1 spewage of sewage since then so much gaslighting (I could keep a flame going eternally on all the hot air he blew )TT all the other spewage of sewage days are a jumble with the lies and hiding I no longer feel as strongly that I want to continue to work and hurt for marriage with a selfish selfcentered irresponsible immature person. I now hear my husband telling me he wants to love deeply (after a few counselling sessions which he stopped he said he was told he has commitment issues, he is shallow, he is often jealous and spiteful of others who have something he wishes he had ,he loves shallowly ,he attaches with lies since he can be any one he can create ,and when lies fail he flounders, I did ask if he is a pathological liar and if he is narcissistic he got offended) it never occurred to him HE can’t run away from his own pain by making every female part of his walking wounded/walking dead. I only wanted the truth all I got was everything but.

  7. BeckyB May 31, 2014 at 7:46 am #

    Too good for the liar we all are married to. Too good hearted to cruelly inflict pain on our spouse. Too good to abandon our morals and accept less than we deserve. Our cheating spouses went out with blinders on abandoning their own truthful words leaving behind the person who can and will at the stroke of their ego drop themselves and say come play in my sewer be my rat we will build a rat kingdom hmm if they could only see with eyes wide open. If we could see how desperate to have fantasy cheaters are perhaps the psychiatric facilities would be overflowing with physiologically damaged people instead of us feeling as if we have been taken to the looney bin by an insane stranger.

  8. Gizfield May 31, 2014 at 9:58 am #

    Becky B, you are so right. No person in their right mind is flattered by attention from someone who is already taken. If a person they were dating acted this way, people with any sense would run. I just would love to hear the first conversation my husband had with his whore. How csn you be flattered by someone who does not respect you enough to date you while he is married? It’s like broadcasting “I KNOW you’re a whore”. That is disgusting. What is in your mind when this guy trash talks his WIFE and CHILD? A certain sign of a real PRIZE. When this whore called me insecure, I said “yeah, it’s a real sign of security to sneak around with a married man behind his wife’s back.” It’s cause her slimy ass knows it’s the only hope she has for a “relationship” cause anybody decent dumps her sorry ass. And no, he’s not decent either. Blame is distributed fairly all around.

Leave a Reply

Login

Web Analytics

Clicky