Emotional Affair Signs

emotional affair signs

What are the emotional affair signs and how do you know if you or your spouse is involved in one? What are the danger signs in your marriage?

This post will tell you everything you need to know about the signs of an emotional affair, as well as those signs I noticed with Doug.

We are often asked by readers about  the emotional affair signs that a person should look out for – both from the standpoint of suspecting their spouse of an emotional affair, and also from the standpoint of trying to determine whether or not they themselves might be involved in an emotional affair.

So just what is an emotional affair?

How do you know if you yourself are involved in one, or how can you tell if perhaps your spouse might be involved in one? 

I will first give you the “expert” viewpoint and then I will discuss the emotional affair signs I saw from my own experience with Doug.

David Moultrup has broadly defined an extramarital affair as a relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that has an impact on the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage.

This viewpoint does not require sexual play or sexual intercourse in order to define the presence of nor the impact of an affair on a committed relationship. Moultrup is the author of “Husbands, Wives & Lovers: The Emotional System of the Extramarital Affair” and has contributed toThe Handbook of the Clinical Treatment of Infidelity.

An emotional affair has the capacity to injure a committed relationship sometimes more than if it were a one night stand or about casual sex. There is a gender difference in perceptions of harm. Research has confirmed that ‘men are especially bothered by evidence of their partner’s sexual infidelity, whereas women are troubled more by evidence of emotional infidelity.’

Those involved in an emotional affair are often in denial. They don’t think they’re having an affair at all. The denial keeps them guilt-free, and they feel they don’t have to give it up. They tell themselves, “It’s just a friendship.”

So What is an Emotional Affair?

  • An emotional affair is when a person not only invests more of their emotional energy outside their marriage, but also receives emotional support and companionship from the new relationship.
  • In an emotional affair, a person feels closer to the other party and may experience increasing sexual tension.
  • If you believe that your spouse’s emotional energy is limited, then if he/she is sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with someone else, an emotional affair has developed.
  • Although cheaters are often guilt-free in an emotional affair because there is no sex involved, their spouses often view an emotional affair as damaging as a sexual affair.
  • Much of the pain and hurt from an emotional affair is due to the deception, lies, and feelings of being betrayed.
  • A platonic friendship can evolve into an emotional affair when the investment of intimate information crosses the boundaries set by the married couple.
  • An emotional affair is opening relationship doors that should remain closed.
  • One of the differences between a platonic friendship and an emotional affair is that an emotional affair is kept secret.
  • Another difference is that people involved in an emotional affair often feel a sexual attraction for one another. Sometimes the sexual attraction is acknowledged and sometimes it isn’t.

So how do you know if a relationship has evolved into an emotional affair?

  • When most meetings and conversations are kept secret from your partner.
  • When you say and do things with someone you never would do in front of your spouse.
  • When you make a point to arrange private talk time with them.
  • When you share stuff with them that you don’t with your partner.
  • You are withdrawing from your spouse.
  • You are preoccupied and daydream about your friend more and more.
  • The amount of time you and your spouse spend together is less.
  • When confronted about the apparent emotional affair, you respond, “We’re just friends.”
  • You find yourself anticipating when you can communicate or be with your friend again. Alone time together is important to you.
  • You are sharing your thoughts, feelings, and problems with your friend instead of your spouse.
  • You find reasons to give your friend personal gifts.
  • Your friend seems to understand you better than your spouse does.
  • You are keeping your friendship a secret from your spouse, or you no longer feel comfortable telling your spouse about this person and begin to cover up your relationship.
  • You touch your  friend in “legal” ways, like patting him on the shoulder or picking lint off of his shirt.
  • You pay extra attention to how you look before you see him.
  • Think crush-like thoughts like, He’d love this song!
  • Tell him more details about your day than you do your partner.
  • You experience increasing sexual tension; you admit your attraction to him but also insist to yourself that you would never act on it.

Emotional Affair Signs That it Might Get Physical

  • You find yourself feeling vulnerable and turn to the other person for support rather than to your spouse or a trusted relative or friend.
  • You accelerate the level of intimacy through sexual or suggestive talk over text, Facebook, e-mail or the phone.
  • Put yourself in a situation where the two of you could be alone.

The Danger Zone

If you answer “yes” to more than 2 or 3 of these questions, you are courting disaster in your marriage by being in an emotional affair.

  • Are you experiencing repetitive hostility and conflict in your marriage?
  • Do you feel an emotional distance from your spouse?
  • Do you find it difficult to talk with your spouse?
  • Are you sharing more with your friend than you are with your spouse?
  • Do you think your friend understands you better than your spouse?
  • Are you sexually attracted to your friend?
  • Is the phrase, “We’re just friends”, your rationalization for your close friendship?
  • Does your spouse know about your friendship or is your friendship a secret?
  • Do you look forward to being with your friend more than being with your spouse?

Emotional Affair Signs in Doug

emotional affair signs

Be on the lookout for emotional affair signs when your spouse is keeping a workplace “friendship” a secret.

At the time I felt that we were drifting apart–that I was losing touch with Doug. I often tried to connect with him, but was unsuccessful. 

Looking back I now really see the emotional affair signs and behaviors that confirmed that Doug was having an affair.  However, at the time I was in denial and could not believe that he would go outside our marriage, nor  could I believe that he was that kind of husband.

  • One thing that stands out is that Doug was overly critical of my behavior, appearance etc.  I remember one day, he told me how much he hated my sunglasses, Doug is not one to pay attention to what I am wearing etc., but on this particular day he said my large sunglasses looked “stupid.”  Ironically, when I found out about his affair, the first thing I did was went out and bought smaller sunglasses.  Boy was I stupid.
  • He was quite withdrawn.  He would go off by himself, listen to his Ipod or stay in his office all evening and not want to engage in family activities.  He seemed quite preoccupied most of the time.
  • He would exercise excessively and was generally more concerned about his appearance than usual.
  • He drank more
  • He was very possessive about his phone.  He would carry it with him and would be talking on it often.   He always seemed to walk away from me when he was on the phone.  He was also texting often and  would lie about who he was texting.  As a result we had very large phone and text bills (could not get access to actual bill so I had no idea why the bill was so large).
  • Longer work hours, even though his business was very slow at the time.
  • He became very defensive when I would ask questions concerning our relationship and would turn it around and blame any of our marital problems on me.
  • Lack of affection.  He would not be as interested when I initiated physical contact.
  • He would not talk about our future together.
  • He would start fights about trivial things and always making me feel that I was wrong or not good enough.
  • He generally devalued me as a wife.  For example… he said he wouldn’t care if I found someone else and always saw the negative rather than my positive attributes.

I believe that the hardest thing to deal with when I found out about his affair was that all the emotional affair signs and related behaviors came flooding back to me.  All the behaviors were evident, yet I didn’t see them.  Or maybe I did, but chose to ignore them or chose not to say anything.  I should have known and should have tried to stop it before it became so serious. I was very angry at myself for being so stupid and trusting.

This is something that I deal with today, because I don’t ever want to feel like that again.  That is why today I still struggle with trust and am always on high alert to any change in Doug’s behavior.  It is a terrible way to live a life and a marriage, and I try everyday to overcome these feeling and I hope with time the feelings of fear will go away and we will truly have the marriage that we both deserve.

Sources:  Redbook Magazine and About.com

Additional Resources

How to Catch a Cheating Spouse – Digital program that includes ‘Sherlock Pro’ Computer monitoring software

Other books on the subject in our Library

Spy Associates – all kinds of monitoring and spying stuff.

Even more resourcesscroll down the page for more affair sign resources


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69 Responses to Emotional Affair Signs

  1. JABNEY February 17, 2010 at 1:42 pm #

    I read this post and I can relate to every single one of the signs you list as well as your commentary at the bottom…it is as if you just wrote about my experience and feelings. The interesting thing is that my husband wanted me to believe (once he was caught) that he was ONLY having an emotional affair. He justified it to himself, his family and his (few) friends that what he was doing was not that bad because it was JUST an emotional affair.
    Talk about trust issues, for the next 6 months (2008 – 2009) we went to individual and couples counseling to try to salvage what was left of our marriage and I BEGGED him to be transparent with me about it all (I didn’t want details, just honesty about what was going on behind my back). Then I caught him lying about the nature of the affair and that indeed he and his office manager were having sex in the office and on business trips. He even had her promoted and she became one of his estimators. Less than 15 hours after this discovery, an old email surfaces from a member of his subcontractor’s association that outlines their romantic rendezvous on a beach where the convention was being held and then the sexual interlude that followed. At the time of this affair, I was at home with our 8 WEEK old twin boys, caring for them and trying to recover from a Cesarean section. These were my first children and his… DOUBLE DEVASTATION!!! I would learn later that she came to our city to “consult” with him and they went back to her hotel and had sex again. All the nights that he would come home late and I would be exhausted from caring for the babies by myself all day were made worse when I found out that he and she would be sending email in “various stages of undress” to one another during that time and that is why he wasn’t home to help me.
    I don’t even know how to begin to tell you about the porn that was going on in my home. I had NO IDEA my husband struggled with this demon until I put “spy” software on our family laptop to figure out what was going on behind my back (the office Manager affair) in 2008.
    Less than a month after I filed for divorce, he was at it again. He went out and “picked up” a 21 year old girl (he was 36 at the time) and he and she called and texted one another multiple times. She called my house (where my 3 children and I were still living) at 2 AM!
    I tried to point out to him (in the nicest, most caring way I know how) that I believe that he has a sexual addiction, but I realize there is little that I can say or do to help him since I am divorcing him and he does not see his behavior as a problem and thinks I said it to be ugly to him since I am divorcing him.

    I also noticed high alcohol consumption during the affair and now during the divorce process~ why is this? I thought it was part of the addictive behavior and if he couldn’t feel the sexual addiction, the drinking was the substitute???

  2. Dawn March 2, 2010 at 3:38 pm #

    Just a question. My husband was (?is) involved in an emotional affair with a co worker for appro. 1 year. I “caught” him approx. 13 times, and he tried to break it off with her approx the same amount of times (in approx. 4 months). He says it is over, seems to be doing all the right things and I have not “caught” him with her or talking with her for about 3 months now. What signs should I look for that might tell me that they are still in contact?(or might tell me he is sincere) I have my suspicions but have nothing tangible for proof. They know of every way I caught them in the past and as such over the months they were able to change the way they contacted each other so I would have a more difficult time catching them.
    Obvioulsy I am still having a hard time with it all. I have 3 little children and I just want us all to be happy again.

    • admin March 2, 2010 at 9:17 pm #

      Dawn, If you have “caught” them 13 times in the past, chances are they may now be quite proficient in covering their trail. Having suspicions and lacking trust tends to bring out the worst in a relationship. Have you tried to bring the subject up by focusing on how you’ve been feeling, not necessarily that you suspect anything? If not, you might want to, but try not to think of it has a confrontation, but rather as an attempt to get him to empathize with your point of view. Outside of that, there are a variety of ways out there that you can “spy” on him from GPS tracking, surveillance equipment to computer monitoring.

  3. Kim April 3, 2010 at 5:48 pm #

    For a couple years now I suspected that my husband of 12 years ( we’ve been together since high school) was spending too much time talking and texting another women from an online game site. I saw several texts come in that were suspicious in nature and confronted both of them. Oh we’re just friends is all I got. Then several months later I saw other emails from her saying love you and miss you…so I confronted him again….oh i don’t know is what I got…then I confronted her and she said yes like a best friend…oh ok…ummmm I said to myself…(yes this women lives far away but…) so I’ve been monitoring the cell phone usage and watching the amount of texts then I got even more concerned. I confronted him again and he said we are friends…so now my curiosity sparks I want to know what they are saying to each other. So I spy I bought a voice recorder and hid it in his car…I thought to myself I just need one conversation to know what this relationship is all about…So I did it and got the shock of my life. The talk was all about love and sexual doings mostly spoken by my husband but the word I love you was used by both…Needless to say I hit the roof and told him I knew what was going on. Yes we’ve had a rocky marriage but I don’t deserve this. He said he hasn’t been happy with me for a long time and that it’s always something with me…All I do is cause him aggravation over and over. The next thing he said was we haven’t been friends for a while and it took him getting caught for me to know the truth. I don’t know what to do. That week I had the hardest time trying to figure out how this behaviour justifies our rocky times in our marriage. Yes I gave up several times and even told him I didn’t love him anymore. So did I cause this I say to myself. Well I guess when people are upset they say things they really don’t mean just to hurt the other, he doesn’t see it this way. So after finding out and having several lonely breakdown moments he was calling me and texting me and checking on me and telling me to cheer up that he loves me I should know this and that he would do anything for me and is not going anywhere. So was this a cry for help. Where’s my cry for help. I’m lost depressed and mental. Yes I’m happy he has spent time with me and is asking to do things with me again, like go to the movies and out to lunch. I guess I should feel lucky that he hasn’t given up. But he also knows how I feel about him talking to her since I heard this conversation and he still is talking to her. How do I know what they are talking about now and feel safe that it’s innocent. Which I doubt. I’m lost and alone and he thinks it should be behind us and move on, Yet I still have questions about what this means and all. I don’t trust this and think he’s in denial cause he says we are just friends…I care about her. Well what about me. Yes he’s there but frustrated sometimes when I want to talk I have so many things going on in my mind and new things come up that I question. I’m a mess, Not to mention I’m 7 months pregnant nice huh…I just want this nightmare to be over and sometimes wish I never spied and recognized this marriage falling apart and cared to save it.

    • admin April 3, 2010 at 8:20 pm #

      Kim, Thanks for sharing your story with us. You’re story seems to indicate that you have had a rough marriage for some time. You have a lot to work on to save your marriage. If he really wants to save it, he needs to end the relationship with the other woman immediately, and then you need to work on communication and reestablishing the romance if possible. You’re right in that you do not deserve this , and don’t blame yourself alone. Both of you are to blame, so both of you need to work on fixing it. You may want to consider counseling.

  4. Kim April 3, 2010 at 10:25 pm #

    Thanks admin…I know…the thing that baffles me the most is that the week before I found all this out we have been trying and communicating and we never had any sexual issues in fact I even told him sometimes that’s the strongest part of our marriage there never seemed to be any trouble here…So why the sexual talk with this other women? I don’t get and it and can’t piece it together. Yes our marriage has been rough for some time i don’t know why he’s pushed me to so many limits with things he says one thing and does another so I’ve been frustrated and tired of babysitting him. So many people would have been long gone with the things I’ve been through…money, gamling, debt, the list goes on….now we can add lying and cheating…so why am I still here trying to figure this out….I’m so torn..I love him dearly but don’t know why anymore…Is it because of the history of the good times and hanging on to that or having children with him or is this a test to see if we really can make it cause if so I’m tired of being tested I just want to be happy it’s not too much to ask. I hope with God’s will I will get through this I have trouble making it throught the day and trying to stay strong for my daughter and unborn baby girl. The mind just spins and my heart just pumps like I can hear my heart beating out of my chest. I’m angry and heartbroken. I’m afraid of conseling because that means I have to admit to being the victim of a cheating husband which means I failed somewhere along the lines too.

  5. Carla April 6, 2010 at 2:48 pm #

    Can someone offer me some advice? I am desperate. My son and his wife have gone on holiday. I have posted on this site about my daughter in laws affair with an ex boyfriend. Well, just before they went away my son handed me some notes written by his wife on hotel notepaper, he assumes this was when she has been working away. They are written in her own language – she comes from another country in europe (I dont want to identify it) but has lived here since she was 10). We are English and live in the UK. He asked if there was any way I could get them translated. He had found them in her overnight bag when they were packing. He said he couldnt get them translated himself as he and his wife share their home pc. Well, I got the translations back today and they are shockingly revealing. Not only does his wife say she is in love with her ex boyfriend , it seems she has also ‘moved on’ to someone she works with who is married with two children. She says she needs to get some money together to buy an apartment and she wants an amicable divorce from my son. She proclaims her love for her married colleague and hopes to spend the night with him very soon. She says her ‘heart aches for him.’
    She has a good income but could not afford to buy anything as property is so expensive where we live and where she works. I cant see her leaving my son because she has nowhere to go.
    So, my son is due back in a few days – what do I tell him? This is heart-breaking.
    She has gone on holiday with him having all these thoughts in her head.
    Can someone suggest how I handle this. I wish I wasnt involved but now I am.

    • admin April 6, 2010 at 3:00 pm #

      Carla,
      Wow you are stuck in the middle aren’t you? If it were me, I would just give the translated letter to your son and let him confront his wife about it. I know it’s going to hurt him, but he needs to know. Perhaps during their holiday they have been able to discuss their relationship and have made strides towards recovering it.

    • TONI KAMINAR April 23, 2012 at 11:42 am #

      Carla,

      Maybe, it is time to for the affair to be exposed. Linda and Doug offered some great information on how to expose an affair. I believe that the wife of this man your daughter in law is messing with needs to know.

  6. Carla April 6, 2010 at 4:57 pm #

    Thanks Admin. Problem is two days after my son returns we are off to Australia to a wedding. Be gone 3 weeks. Everything booked and cant cancel, but my son may need a lot of support, and there is no family in the vicinity to offer him that at the moment. No siblings/grandparents live nearby. I want to be around for my son if he needs me.

  7. michael April 7, 2010 at 10:17 am #

    Carla,
    Perhaps you underestimate your son. He may be ready for this and he may not be. But he deserves to know. With the wonderful new technology of cell phones you are just as close as he needs you. He will need to vent more than be held. It feels good to vent. Does he have a good friend near by?
    He does need to hear it. The facts will help him determine what his next step is. If these are from a while back maybe she is over it. I just found a card, the other day, that I believe was destined for the other man but never made it. It was a sweet romantic card that professed their “soul mate” connection. But she never sent it. Thoughts are only thoughts. They can’t break bonds or build life long commitments. It’s what you do with them determines your character.

  8. Kim April 10, 2010 at 6:33 am #

    I’m having a hard time getting through this….I can’t concentrate on anything else. I keep searching for answers as to why. He is still talking and texting this other person. He says they are friends and he cares for her. I can’t move on because he is still talking to her and he expects me to be ok with it and move on.. He’s in denial about his feelings and what he wants I think. Should I just give him space and time? Meanwhile I’m trying to rebuild what we had. I can’t do this alone. Yes he has tried to make things better for us. He’s somewhat attentive to me and doing some things he used to do that made me happy. I know he’s confused between what’s real and what’s not. I feel very demanding right now and I’m afraid I’ll push him away more. I don’t understand any of this yet. I saw a picture of her our computer with her family and husband, she’s really not attractive at all so why her? I think my husband’s lonely. He doesn’t go out much and spend time with friends. We have had an unhappy marriage and he claims that we haven’t been friends in a while. I’m alright with giving this time for him to figure things out but in the meantime I’m anxious for it to be over with her. It makes me feel like I don’t matter. I have good days and bad days and feel like I can’t breathe from all of this. I don’t want to beat it into to him everyday but I don’t know how to make him understand some of this. I know he feels bad for what happened but he’s acting like “oh ok we talked a little about it, it’s out in the open now, nothing physical happened so it’s ok to talk to her still.” You’ve got to be kidding me. I feel like a doormat. I bite my tongue half the time because I want to scream at him for being stupid. I know what my faults were in this marriage and I’m trying to move on to fixing them. In fact I was trying before I found out the truth. So is time a factor here? Should I give him space to think without beating him up emotionally? My head hurts and my heart pumps hard just waiting for this nightmare to have some closure.

    • admin April 10, 2010 at 9:24 am #

      Kim, Your situation sounds exactly what I was going through over a year ago. The first thing I suggest you do is let your husband be aware that he is having an emotional affair with this women and it is effecting your marriage. Tell him even though your marriage may have not been perfect that you love him and want to work at making it better, however you can not do that with her in the picture. Then as hard as it is you need to back off. Let him see you as a women he would want to be with. So try to refrain from being too emotional and just work at being his friend. I have learned a lot of the past year and now I realize I let my emotions take over my logical thinking way too much. If I would have known then what I know now I would have realized Tanya wasn’t the love of his life and deep down he was having some regrets about this relationship. I wish I would have stepped back some, shown him the women that I am today and let him make the decision on his own. Eventually he will realize what he is doing is not for his benefit and will come back to you. Unfortunately it will not be an easy or short process.

  9. Rose April 10, 2010 at 3:20 pm #

    Kim, I could have written that myself! As I was reading your last post, I felt like someone finally knows what I am thinking right now. Last week I found out about an emotional affair that my husband had been having for a while. We have been married for 4 years, and the last two have been pretty stressful. We were having a difficult time with money, and had to move in with my parents for a bit to catch up. Things got pretty bad once that move was made. We had fought before, but had a few BIG ones once we moved. My husband was working nights at a gym, and I would visit him and I even became friends with the “girls” that worked with him (I call them girls because none were over 22). He was in sales, and they worked at the counter. I would visit him, and bring dinner for all of us and hang out after my workouts.

    In the coming months, I noticed that my husband was becoming exceptionally close to one of these girls. I tried to brush it off as a little jealousy on my part because she was very fit and they seemed to get along very well. I would not say I was totally out of shape, but she was very athletic and my husband is also very athletic so I saw a bond that we did not share.

    Once we moved into my parents house, we started to fight a lot. The first BIG one even had me saying to him that we were over, which is something that had never come across my mind before. During this fight, he had said that he doubted our marriage because he thought about connections with “other people” and didn’t know if that meant we weren’t right for each other. I knew INSTANTLY who this “other person” was!! I told him that I also have met people that interested me, but that I thought it was normal to like someone, but it didn’t mean you wanted to be with them. He actually said that it made sense, but of course denied that there was a specific person he had in mind. This fight was in January.

    In February, I lost my job which added more stress but we were now in a better position financially. In March, I found out that I was pregnant with our son. I was happy, of course very nervous, but VERY happy! He seemed so too! He was smiling and excited to tell people, it was a really fun and happy time. Until April, when I was looking at our cell phone bill and noticed a bunch of text messages to a number that I did not know. Sure enough, as I assumed, it was her phone number. I was shocked!! In all, it was 150 text messages back and forth in a month!! When I confronted him, he just said that they were jokes about the gym and people there and that she just had the same sense of humor as him (and I apparently didn’t really have one). I said that it had to stop because that was too much, and even asked if she was the “other people” he had mentioned during our fight. He immediately said I was crazy, but that he would stop if it made me uncomfortable, but he refused to stop being her friend because she was a good friend by now. I was skeptical, but I was also very hormonal and blamed my insane jealousy on that. I was never a jealous person before, so I really did think that I might be making it into something bigger. We continued to fight and be disconnected, but again, I was looking forward to having our son together and repairing any issues that we had.

    Fast forward to last week (our son was born in October, and is now 5 months old)…I had a sense that something was “off”. He was being very secretive, and wouldn’t give me the password for his Facebook page when I asked to see a picture of a mutual friend. Well, that made me question him, so of course once I got him to put in the password, I immediately looked at the messages. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach once I saw how many messages he had sent her. He thought he was smart and deleted the inbox, but I guess he never thought to look at the sent box! (Side note, I am a computer programmer, and he is so bad with anything electronic that he needed my help setting up an email account and using a Blackberry) I saw one email that was from two weeks after my son was born stating that “there is nothing he does not love about her” “he wishes sometimes that she were with him and not me” “he can’t leave his wife and rob her of her youth”! I was devastated.

    I asked him calmly, and his response was that I should not have snooped through his stuff. I yelled, cried, and everything else you would expect. He kept saying that he doesn’t feel that way anymore, he made a mistake and moved on and I should too. On the third day, I was oddly calm and he tried to get a rise out of me. He said I had two choices, either leave or get over it…Well, that did it! I screamed that I hated him and we were over. I told him that I would make the appointment with the divorce mediator that a friend of ours used and that would be it. I told him I was not interested in a word he had to say after that. I followed this by leaving the house for the day to visit a friend with our son. For a few hours, I had resigned myself to the idea that we were over. He thought I was weak, and I was going to show him that he made a huge mistake. My only weakness left was that I had my son. I grew up with parents that hated each other, and refused to do it to him. I gave him 2 days to say something meaningful, but he didn’t. I still felt guilty because of my son. After about 5 hours or so, I got an email from him saying that he was sorry. He said that he would do anything to make it work, he didn’t want to lose me, and he would go to counseling if I wanted. I didn’t know what to make of it! I didn’t reply, but I came home that night. I decided to give him one chance to say the right thing. Well, he must have practiced, because he let me say what I wanted, answered my questions and kept saying he loves me. That was about 5 days ago.

    Now, he is still letting me ask questions, which is a big step considering that he initially told me that he would not discuss the past with me. He is trying to help more with our son (something he has really been lacking in for 5 months). I, in turn, have realized how much we really did grow apart over the last year. I take responsibility for being bitchy and mean. I also take responsibility for putting my expectations too high. I am trying to understand that he just needed someone to talk to. But, I cannot get out of my head that I didn’t deserve what he did! I think he crossed a major line by sending her that email. He said that his feelings were a mistake and that he moved passed it.

    The things I have found out since have been making it harder. Like, 1. He told her I was pregnant before we even told out families, he says it was because she was such a good friend 2. He kept in contact with her for at least another month or two, even though he said that he realized it was a mistake right away 3. He had hung out with her outside of work and never told me, which makes me trust him even less. He swore that there was never anything physical, but I can’t tell if I should trust him. I think, he lied before, why not now? Do these questions ever go away? I want to give our marriage a good effort. My son was my first reason to try, but I really do love my husband. When we are good, we are GREAT, but when we are down, we treat each other very badly. I have millions of reason to try to make it work, but I am scared that I will not be able to get past what he did. I am not sure what to do now. I have ups and downs, and blame him and then understand. Do these things ever leave your mind? Does counseling help?

  10. Last2know April 12, 2010 at 7:22 am #

    Rose, I am 7 months out of finding out about my Husbands emotional affair and I still ask myself those questions, it’s normal. Make sure you read all of Linda and Doug’s topics and posts. Also right now don’t let those thoughts/questions get in the way of focusing on your marriage. Even with a new Baby tell your husband all the things he needs to hear. I asked my husband what was good about that relationship (it was hard believe me) because I wanted to try and recreate to same feelings in him with me. And he told me so now I give him the Ego boosts he needs, compliment him, tell him I appreciate him….you get the picture. Men need that. What does it matter if he kept in contact for a little longer? As long as he has absolutely no contact with her now. In an EA they share a lot of themselves (feelings) with each other. Welcome and everyone here knows exactly what your going through. Take care of yourself FIRST.

  11. Kim April 19, 2010 at 7:40 pm #

    Admin, I agree with alot you are saying to me. However, I can’t seem to get througth to him about his actions with calling her and texting her. I’ve even talked to her several times I’m confrontational when someone threatens me or my family even if it is emotional. People need to know when they affect others. Like give her a piece of my mind. It made me feel better. Except when she said my husbands a good friend then next sentence she said she had strong feelings for him. I told her this doesn’t make any sense friends who have these feelings towards each other is crossing the line. I showed him the text she sent me. He just fluffed it off like whatever that means.

    Then yesterday I suspected he met her. So I freaked out and sent him a text. He called and said he didn’t and I refuse to except it. I don’t want him calling her even for one second knowing about all these feelings and shit. So today was a new day, I didn’t text her for anything. I didn’t except any calls from him and sent him some texts about what I was thinking. For instance I told him I don’t trust him and he isn’t doing anything to change that.

    I can’t go on like this trying to move on wondering what these two say to each other or text so much for. He then sent me a text saying he tried calling several times but whatever is what he said. I replied by saying there isn’t anything you have to say that I want to hear right now sorry. I told him he has her and doesn’t need me if she makes you happy then have her.

    I hate him so much sometimes the site of him makes my stomach hurt. I keep reliving what I heard him say to her when I overheard a conversation and what could they possibly have to talk about that isn’t sexual in nature. He told me the dirty talk was role playing. Could he just have gotten bored with me? Like I said before I’ve made alot of mistakes in treating him badly for the things we’ve gone through. But for some reason we still managed to have a sex life. This confuses me even more. If we didn’t have a sexless marriage(with the exception of times of despair and anger towards him that we went a few months without) then why the sex talk with another women?

    Does it boost a man’s ego that might be otherwise crushed by someone else. Now he tells me he cares for her and she will always be there. Ummmm….here’s the doormat again. That’s why I disconnected from him today. I cry everyday. I give up. We have nothing left to talk about. I told him without trust there’s no marriage and that means no us. He came home from work and acted like I never said anything to him today. Talking to me as usual. But a bit preoccupied. So this is my life.

    I can’t go on like this. I’m afraid for my future. I’m not afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of being made a fool of and being walked on and feel like I can’t escape. We have a 6 year old and one on the way and because of our financial situation(debt for unemployment from him, debt from credit cards.etc.) I need him to help me with them. I need him to be here to help care for them, I work full-time, so does he. I can’t raise my children alone right now it’s just not possible money wise. I hate to put a price on happiness but we are in a bad situation right now and have been for a while.

    Well thanks for all the help I wish I were strong enough to back off and show him the woman I can be without being emotional. I’m not past the grief and don’t have enough answers yet. We seem to be just existing as friends. Oh well better than nothing.

  12. Kim April 19, 2010 at 7:53 pm #

    Rose,
    I sympathsize with your feelings. I’m back and forth wondering the same about any physical connection. It sounds like we both are going through a very similar situation in deed. With financial things in the mix being unhappy in my marriage mostly being unhappy with him. He stopped paying attention to me. Stopped all the special things he used to do for me. We were just existing really. I didn’t step back to realize this sooner it may not have gotten this far. I do recognize my faults and thought that I was trying to make up for them with him even the week before I overheard his conversation with her on his cell. Which makes this hurt more.

    When the situation blew up he told me I told him several times I didn’t love him anymore. He’s right I did. Doesn’t make it right that I said it but I said it out of trying to hurt him back for all I felt inside me. I told him why I said these things and he understood his part in making me feel this way. I’ve known him practically my whole life we have been together since I was fifteen. Strange but we had a wonderful connection from the beginning and I fell hard for him and likewise. We had trust and alot in common and enjoyed each other. Now with the stress we’ve been through we lost this now I lost the one thing I thought I had at least was trust.

    So where do we go from here. I don’t know I’m tired from it all. He is trying and so am I. But the days I’m trying I feel that I’m cheating myself because I’m really hurt and angry and don’t know all I need to know to move on and feel safe and comfortable again. I feel like when I’m nice I feel like a fool. In the back of my head I’m thinking “what r u crazy u don’t have to put up with this” My heart says another that I love him more than anything and I know I always have even during the bad times. I wish you luck. Just know u aren’t alone. Talking it out with people who understand even helps just a little then it’s worth doing. Hang in there that’s all we can do for our children. Lord knows if it wasn’t for her I would truly feel alone. Some days it’s hard to focus on her thought because I’m obsessed with thinking over my life and what’s happening and were I’m going. Bad cycle need to get out somehow. Wish me luck before I lose my mind. lol

  13. Kim April 19, 2010 at 8:05 pm #

    Last2know,
    Your’e right in boosting a man’s ego. But at what cost to us wives do we have to bow down to their being. What about what a man needs to do for his wife when she finds out about infidelity issues. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want him running around kissing me feet every second and acting all crazy. But before a wife can help repair her husbands ego problems they need to figure out what caused them. Because right now with what I’m going through I surely couldn’t see myself saying hey honey thanks for everything you do I apprecitate you…..Not yet anyway this will take time if I can ever do it. You’re right take care of yourself first boy am I trying it’s so hard.

  14. Last2know April 20, 2010 at 7:46 am #

    Kim You can be that woman but even you admit your faults if you want your marriage you Need to admit those faults. NO IT DOES NOT EXCUSE HIS affair. But if you have read “why men have affairs” you will get the picture. Rarely does it have anything to do with sex. I sounds like you have a lot of pride and that’s a good trait but if you want to work in your marriage you have got to let that go. So you are just going to let him go huh? Your just going to hand him over to the shank. Do not contact her anymore. You are just adding fuel to the fire. So don’t give him ego boosts right now but you could show him some appreciation for things he has done in the past and start there. Yes you (as I) have a lot to do with why they stepped out of the marriage….sorry to say. He needs to know you love him and that your sorry for ever making him feel otherwise. How painful to stay in a marriage because of children and finances.

  15. Kim April 20, 2010 at 9:06 pm #

    Last2know,
    Being on here speaking with others in similar situattions is a great therapy to me. People on both sides of the spectrum looking at it at differen angles. I love my husband so deeply that I never thought I could tell him that without it seeming forced out from a bad situation. I was sad one day and he called me to let me know he was thinking of me, he could tell I had been crying and said stop crying things will be alright….I told Him I hoped time healed and remembered alot of the good memories because there are alot….I told him I loved him so much and he said I know. I have been trying to make up for alot of what I’ve said in the past about not loving him anymore and being angry very easliy taking it out on him for my feelings. I wish I could stop this emotional roller coaster. One day I’m crazy upset the next I’m grounded and understanding how we got where we are today. He knows his mistakes and I know mine and neither were right in treatment of the other. I thanked him the other day for us being better to each other, more open and talking. We spoke today and I know I need to let it go if I don’t want to drive him away for good. Funny how the better days I think how hard life can be and thankful for the things that help you understand taking it for granted…I’m so scared of losing him to someone else and can’t believe I didn’t realize this before.Sort of that comfort level where you think no matter what you say or do that that person is gonna be there…Well wake up call….He was here physically but mentally left because of my push and push and being fed up. there is alot of good still worth saving here. I hope I’m strong enough to be that women, today I felt it just even a little. Thankyou for the encouragement I know I can’t go this alone. I can’t imagine life without him, he’s truly my best friend no matter what we’ve been through. When I see him with our daughter playing and being happy and her in total bliss with him, there’s nothing better…I don’t want to go and know I don’t want to save this just for the children but it does make us try harder to keep those special things that make life go round….

  16. Rose April 20, 2010 at 9:12 pm #

    Kim,
    You’re right, we are in very similar situations. I love my husband more than anything, and yet now I find myself questioning my heart every day. I know that I want us to work, not only for my son, but I go back and forth. The last few days we have been okay, and yet I still question everything he does. He told me that he hated it when I constantly questioned him, so I don’t tell him what I am thinking. I hate that my head automatically goes straight to wondering where he is, or who he is texting if he is more than ten minutes late. I have never been that type of person. I never had doubts about where he was going or what he was going to do. I had such confidence in him, and I hate him for taking that security away. I have friends that don’t allow their husbands/boyfriends to go certain places or hang out with friends that they don’t approve of, and i was never one to do that. Now, I wonder what friends knew about this, or what friends may have lied to me to protect him. I find myself angry at him for my insecurities because they would never have been there if he didn’t do this.
    I know I wasn’t perfect. I also told him that I didn’t love him several times over the past year. I said mean and hurtful things just to see some emotion from him. I think I did it because he also stopped doing those nice things for me. He stopped being there for me, and the only time I felt any connection to him was when we were arguing. I know that sounds silly, but I think we actually didn’t have anything to talk about and I was lonely. At least when we argued, I knew he was paying attention to me. I would scream and cry that I wanted him to care for me, and I know that I never showed it to him. He said that he didn’t want to show me love because I was never anything but angry. I have acknowledged my part, but yet I still can’t make sense of what he did. I try, but I keep saying to myself that I would never have done it to him. I had the opportunities, and yet I didn’t share my darkest secrets with my co-workers. I talked about whatever good things I could at the time, or I lied.
    I wish you luck, and hope you send me the same! It has been quite a roller coaster, and I hope that one day soon the ups will be more than the downs!! I hope that for you, and for everyone else on here because, the way I see it, by fighting for our relationships we deserve the benefits in the end =0) (and even our husbands too, lol)

    • admin April 21, 2010 at 7:38 am #

      Rose, I believe all of us can relate to feeling that our spouse stopped loving and caring for us. I truly believed that Doug didn’t care about me at all. He stopped showing concern if I was sick, or hurting emotionally. He stopped making an effort to lessen the burden in our hectic lives. We both really just each other out emotionally and physically. I interpreted this behavior to mean he didn’t love me. Now I realize that he was hurting and feeling just as unloved as I was but he was handling it differently. Doug became angry, then he shut himself off emotionally and gave up. We have both made so many mistakes in our marriage with the main one not communicating effectively about how we were feeling. I also realized that we were acting this way because we really loved each other and missed being together, which was quite the opposite of what I believed at the time. The ability to look at things from Doug’s point of view as well as mine has eased the pain from the past and helped me move to a better future.

  17. Kim April 21, 2010 at 7:57 pm #

    Rose,
    Everything you said here is exactly how I feel to every point. I didn’t stop to recognize what I was really doing and the arguing did feel like some kind of attention. What I go over and over in my mind is if he was that unhappy then why did he come to our bed everynight and we had what I thought was a good sexual connection, sometimes I was so angry with him that I didn’t care much about it. It almost makes me feel somewhat confused….he’s hurt angry with me feeling down low ego and self esteem but yet he was able to connect with me this way. I now wonder was he thinking of her while we were together it makes me nervous. We talked about it and he said if he didn’t want to he wouldn’t have so I guess that’s a good thing. Maybe it helped him reconnect with me I know it does for me. Sometimes I felt like that was all we had…Sad but true..and other times I wasn’t interested because I knew he spent time online with other women and called them. My husband still calls this women and I wonder every day what they talk about. He found the recorder I put in his car after the last time I snooped and he smashed it. I told him I was glad he found it I was tried from snooping and sneaking it was wearing me down. Now the other day I found myself on amazon buying another recorder and plan to put it in his car again. I want to know now after the initial finding out and him talking to me about what it meant what could he possibly have to say to her now. I’m scared because I’m afraid he’s lying to me and in denial about her. I’m trying to make him feel more loved but I also was doing this the week before I found out this horror and he still had this conversation with her after the fact. We had a good week that week and he had this talk with her that was sexual he said was an ego boost. I asked him about the week he said it was great but still thought about me not loving him since I said it so much before, that it takes time to get that feeling back. I tried to reassure him as you did to yours that I didn’t mean what I said it was exactly how you put it getting some emotion out of him from saying these things. I never mistrusted my husband ever even when we dated he had his friends I had mine and we were happy. I struggle with what went wrong. Like I said it wasn’t like we had a sexless marriage, but as someone said on here it isn’t about sex…so that makes me feel better. My husband even admitted it’s him not me with what he’s going through. He didn’t feel loved and was constantly nagged and aggravated by me. It’s funny there were so many signs that I missed before. I would look at him and he looked distant. I would say I love you to him when we were intimate and he would say “do you”. I feel so aweful for what I did. He trys to reassure me that it was both of us. Because there was alot he did to make me feel this way. I wish I went to talk to someone instead of trying to handle my feelings the way I did . I have alot to make up for as does he. He has made alot of positive changes from what we went through before with money issues, so I know he cares. I just never seem to be able to let go of what happened to begin with…that’s the problem. It’s like beating a dead horse. I guess I wanted to hear I’m sorry or I didn’t mean it which I didn’t really hear he use to just say to me “I”m just stupid and can’t keep track of money” not a good excuse. This is the hardest thing to overcome though I see his point of things but pray everynight that he’s not just yanking me around. I still need to know what they are saying to each other now I will just wait for the right time. Make things better with us and see how he responds with her then I’ll know. I don’t like doing this to him but what choice do I have. I’m nervous he’ll find it and it will push him over the edge…I hope I change my mind and learn to trust and focus on us. right now I’m reoccupied with them. Sad…

  18. Kim April 25, 2010 at 10:50 am #

    Working on being friends seems to be working..talking and even laughing like old times sometimes. He has been texting me daily saying have a good day….sometimes I respond and sometimes I can’t. It feels like a kick in the face…have a good day yeah right with this on my mind constantly what a good day I will have and I have him to thank for that….anyway I saw him after work and he asked me if I got his message and I didn’t know what to say…he said oh are you in another one of your moods and I politely said ummm I guess I’m sorry though. When I think long and hard I hate him deeply and I’m deeply disappointed in him and feel like I don’t know him at all. When I have better days I know we can do this. He has always been good to me in the past….we can do this again….I can’t help but to have my guard up though….I’m so tempted to snoop again with the recorder in his car…he always calls her on his break from work or on the way home…this is his private time I guess….he is calling her but they don’t talk for that long. I gave up saying anything..I suspect that by us strenghtening our relationship he will begin to let that one go which I see some signs of. I just want so much too soon I guess..When I have time to think my mind goes crazy with thoughts of fear that I can’t believe I lost him…and didn’t figure it out sooner I took our time together for granted thinking I can act anyway I want and he’ll still be here…even at times I felt with the way I’ve been and he’s still here he isn’t going anywhere almost invited the behavior too continue…I know what i need to do…but my emotions get in the way. One minute I’m upset and my chest pumps and my stomach feels sick, then I take a deep breath and think about how I contributed to this and I feel aweful. If only I knew I was hurting him…One thing that baffles me and what about him recognizing the hurt and anger he caused me? Why until now was that not addressed? I guess since we are both working on it then it’s good we both recognize our individual faults in this marriage. I’m not ready to give up yet. Someone help me with the temptation to snoop again though. I’m afraid all the hard work of being good to each other if he were to find out I snooped again will send him the message I don’t really care….I’m so tempted I can’t help it. I want to know if him trying to work things out with me means he stopped his crazy talk with her….and if he hasn’t and I hear that what do I do with that then…..he can’t have both…

    • admin April 25, 2010 at 11:16 am #

      I went through the same roller coaster of feelings and the constant need to check up on him. I would get so angry at myself for doing it and then angry at Doug for what I would find, or if I didn’t find anything I would be angry that I had to snoop in the first place. Looking back I should have put my energy somewhere else. It was consuming too much of my time, and was not conducive to making our relationship better, in fact it drew us farther apart. You need to let him work this out on his own and continue to try to be his friend not his detective. I know that you don’t want to be a doormat and ignorant to what is going on, however if you look closely at his behaviors and the way he acts toward you that may be a better indication of what is happening in his life rather than snooping around. Their conversations may be his attempt to call things off.
      Looking back after a year I wish I wouldn’t have been so clingy, always questioning, snooping and sat back and let Doug see me as a person he could trust and talk too. I realize now that he was confused about what was going on, and apprehensive about what to do. I feel that if he would have seen me as someone who wouldn’t have judged him (the judging can come later) and there as a friend he may have been more receptive to sharing with me what was going on with him. Patience is the key and every time you get the urge to check on him find something pleasurable to do instead.

  19. Kim April 25, 2010 at 6:08 pm #

    good advice I knew I could get some insight into my feelings here….You’reright I should be paying more attention to how he’s being towards me…I just can’t help wondering it almost consumes me daily….how to let go is hard …thankyou for helping me sort through my emotions and urges.

  20. Jennifer April 26, 2010 at 10:00 am #

    Thanks for posting this back and forth here, Kim, Rose, Linda. I feel like I’m eavesdropping sometimes, but I sit here and read and nod my head so much because we all feel the same. It’s so comforting to know I’m not the only one. I agree with Linda that you should stop the snooping. I did that for a while and it only made my crazy. And my mind goes crazy enough WITHOUT help. :) Also, if he knows you’re snooping he may decide that you “haven’t changed” and that you don’t trust him (and I’m sure you don’t). Look at it this way: Not snooping makes you pay more attention to HIM and his actions WITH YOU. And isn’t that most important? Talk to him, look him in the eye, watch his body language, get to know him as a person instead of speculating about what he’s doing when you’re not around. Let him see that you are a happy person (whether you have to fake it in the beginning or not) and that you just want to enjoy being with him.

    The hardest thing in my own marriage has been NOT snooping… and not WONDERING. For me the wondering and images in my head were just as bad I think as what I found from snooping. I’m trying to concentrate of recreating the feelings we had when we were first together. Remembering the frame of mind I was in when he was first attracted to me. That’s what he fell in love with. And that’s what I need to get back to… whether the marriage works out or not. As Tom Petty says, ‘The waiting is the hardest part’. Hang in there. We’re all with you. :)

    • admin April 26, 2010 at 10:18 am #

      Great advice Jennifer. Linda always has had the “Ive got to know” mentality and sometimes it ended up not being in her our our best interest.

  21. Kim April 26, 2010 at 9:26 pm #

    Jennifer,
    I understand what u mean about stopping the snooping and him deciding I haven’t changed but what about some of his actions…..he still is calling and texting her I could just scream…..like r u f**ing kidding me….I’m trying to be patient in what Linda has been saying that he needs to sort through his feelings on his own I just can’t stand it anymore. I’m trying so hard on the outside but inside I’m literally dying I get stomach aches and my heart pounds I could just call him and say it’s over that’s how confused I get. How am I supposed to begin to heal with him not really changing his actions about having contact with her. He has been better towards me but I almost feel like it’s forced even from me….I could just choke on my words sometimes. I sit there and ponder how we got here and I realize how I have reacted to things he’s done…in reality I don’t know how I would have reacted any differently really…all I know is I kept saying to myself “oh well I love him we’ll get through this” even if it meant I was angry and taking it out on him I always thought we would make it through anything I never once thought about straying from my marriage…yes I always thought gee how would he like it if I were talking and texting other men and not talking to them around him which he has been doing to me for a while…but never thought about interacting with anyone else. I have guys friends he knows I talk too…I always included him in any phone discussions that I had with my friend…Like oh hon by the way I spoke with so and so today and he said this about that…ya know just conversation letting him know I wasn’t hiding anything and keeping it open…The difference is he knows this person I have been friends with for 10 years…I don’t know this bimbo he talks to…nor do I want to. I just trying everyday to wrap my head around things and I feel like it gets stuck somewhere half way around lol……Thankyou for all of you being here I truly find comfort here whether just to vent or think or take advice it’s all good…thanks….Same to all of you hang in there….

  22. Rose April 27, 2010 at 2:56 pm #

    It is a lot of help reading all of the posts and knowing that I am not alone. I have days where I feel like no one can ever have hurt this bad before. We are in a VERY bad place right now, and I can’t even remember how it got here. I am at the point where I want to leave. I want to stop caring if he loves me, and accept that he is unwilling to give me what I need. When he first apologized for his relationship with her, he suggested counseling, hard work and even said he wanted to get remarried!! Now, counseling is out the window because he can’t fit it into his schedule. Now, he says that I should be over it and I can’t keep feeling down when I think about it. His solution is to “just stop thinking about it and move on”. Oh, how I wish it were so easy!! He thinks that I am the only one that needs to work on this. He says that he is going to try, but when I ask him his definition of “try”, he says that it is to make me happy. I ask how, and he says by waiting for ME to get over this! Am I crazy? I don’t think that is trying. Right now, I don’t know what he can even do to make me want to stay in our marriage. I can’t help but expect him to go right back to being the type of person that he was when he was talking to her. I have no faith that he will repair our relationship. I really think he believes that he shouldn’t have to change; I should just conform to his needs. He has even said that if I give him what he needs, then he will be happy. What about making me happy? When I ask that, I just get a dumfounded look like, “won’t me being happy, make you happy?” And, when I get angry, he tells me that he can’t talk when I am angry, and goes to bed!! He is something else!

    • admin April 27, 2010 at 5:03 pm #

      Rose, I went back and re-read some of your older comments before I responded to this one. First of all, the feelings that you are having are very normal and do not beat yourself up about them. Linda thought about giving up plenty of times for various reasons. Secondly, he is being completely unreasonable to expect you to be over his affair this quickly. And he’s being stubborn by not following through on the counseling and hard work.

      While it sounds as though you have had some major stress issues in your lives over the last several months that have attributed to this affair–job loss, pregnancy, etc., it doesn’t excuse what he did, but I think those things attributed to both of your hostilities towards each other over the last several months and to pushing him towards someone else. What I’m perceiving is two strong-willed people that do not want to give in to the other. For instance, you tend to question him about the affair a lot, but he doesn’t want to talk about it, etc. Though I realize that you want to know everything about his affair, it is not wise to constantly badger him about it. You’ve seen what that has done–he has shut you off. I suggest backing off a bit, and taking his cue to let him take his time to get over it–within reason. As long as he has broken off contact with the OW, it really shouldn’t take too long If at the same time you are trying to satisfy some of his needs, he will hopefully reciprocate and work on satisfying some of yours.

  23. Kim April 27, 2010 at 10:43 pm #

    Rose,
    Not to make light of this subject but your husband and mine must be related in how they are acting towards this. If you read my last post I stated I was tempted to snoop some more because I knew he was still talking to her and texting her. I must be a complete dumbass to except this behavior. I took the advice not too snoop only for a short time as I couldn’t resist the temptation. Consider yourself lucky if your husband has in fact stopped contacting this OW. It is then you can start to heal from what has happened. Me on the other hand get to continue living in hell with him and this shit.

    I snooped today and listened in on a cell phone conversation as I said I would just to see if I heard any of the same kind of talk after he said we would be working on things…well it wasn’t quite the same no sexual discussion this time but tenderness in his voice and hers too. I heard a flirtatious goodbye as if they had something more they wanted to say to each other but couldn’t (she had her daughter in the car with her) Oh and my husband even spoke to her daughter who was in pain from a toothache. He doesn’t even check in with our daughter some days but made the effort to talk to hers…what a true pal….I can’t stand this shit anymore.

    I thought once I heard another conversation that I would hold back and let it ride out….noooooo not me I festered inside wanting to explode so I did…I called him while he was at work and I scared him..he said what’s up is everything alright…I said no when is your next break i will talk to you then…less than a half an hour later he called my work. I told him what I was feeling and how i heard him call her baby and wondered did he like it when he called her that does it make you feel good. He said it was just a word..yet hanging on my dresser mirror is a card he made me for our anniversary 4 years ago and it said inside happy anniversary baby…..nice huh…same word he use to use for me.

    I told him to get his act together. I asked him have I been good with you lately working things out with you trying to treat each other better and he said yes…I said what’s this shit all about he sounded freaked out by me knowing about the conversation. He said I shouldn’t be spying. I said ya well you shouldn’t be calling her because you have spoken inappropriately to her in the past….I told him he just doesn’t get it….I asked him if he understood what I was saying to him. I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. I told him numerous times his friendship with her or our relationship he has to choose….

    I’m not making any more efforts this week has been exhausting trying to hold back my thoughts and feelings so as not to continue to badger him and hopefully step outside the situation for a little. But his actions with calling her always hung over my head like a cloud. I’m being played like a fool and won’t have it….I know like I said what I did to contribute and was making a huge effort to make up for lost time and almost coming to terms with it as a combined effort of breakdown but now I know it’s not a combined effort of repair to the fullest extent I hoped.

    Back to square one well I’m done……I don’t want anything to do with him…just help with the children and leave me the hell alone. I came home from work late and informed him I was doing so…he was on his own and take care of our child. I came home and he was almost acting like nothing happened today… I could honestly beat him with a stick….I’m not physical like that but seriously speaking I really feel as though I could….Anyway, Rose I hear you loud and clear…..men suck and I don’t understand how we got to this situation…all I can say is we have this site where we can vent and absorb some of this together…..we are here for each other it seems like we all need it….

  24. Rose April 27, 2010 at 11:43 pm #

    I completely agree with you. Unfortunately, we are two very strong willed people, and that has led us to a stand still. I want to see that he is willing to make our marriage a priority, and he refuses to do so. I said numerous times that I will take a back seat to school and work, but he decides not to do his school work and go hang out with his brother. Then, he comes home and tells me that he has no time for my “bs” because school is important. That makes me yell, and yelling makes him shut down. The only way for me to get any response from him is to yell. I have begged, cried, been stubborn, cried more, threatened to leave, slept on the couch, and told him our marriage is over. His only response is to be colder. I am pretty much at my wit’s end…My only downfall is that I want him to care. I want him to tell me that he wants to talk. He says he does, but then tells me how I have to change, and when I respond, he shuts off. I just want to stop feeling hope. My hope is keeping me here, but I am losing it so fast.

  25. Kim April 28, 2010 at 8:49 pm #

    Rose,
    Yes frustration seems to be my way of life these days also. He says this is him if I can’t deal with him then move on…..oh boy would I love that…trust me I’m afraid of my feelings toward him now…I don’t want anything to do with him at all. I was trying so hard and even scheduled a night away and asked him to try to request the same days off so I sent him a text to remind him while he was at work the other day. Today I find out oh he forgot he has to work more this week. Then he said he would see what he could do to request the time off. I said forget it and canceled the reservation right in front of him….he looked disappointed….oh well at least it was some emotion….he’s such an idiot…I hate him with all my being he doesn’t even get it.

    Earlier today he told me several times he loves me and adores me and cherishes me ya right…whatever I told him I don’t want to hear it anymore pick up the phone and call her tell it to someone who gives a damn I sure don’t….OMG I sit and think this stuff over what has happened and can’t believe it’s me I’m talking about and I’m having another baby with this fool….what does this say about me.

    I called him earlier today when I went to get my daughter and asked him why is he doing this to me….he said he wasn’t doing anything…oh god someone get me a stick so I can beat some sense into him quickly before I bust…I asked him what is he missing that I’m not giving him? Not that I care because the past few weeks I have gone to great lengths to give him more attention and make things better for us I mean really try hard and was being good about it.

    See it’s really hard for me to hold in what I really feel but I was putting those feelings aside to work on us. He said he didn’t know….well I said so we are staying married have children and you have relationships on the side right? he said no I don’t have girlfriends I said oh whatever…so do you want an open marriage he said no that’s not what I want…

    Well I’m stepping back now. I told him to figure himself out and what he wants I’m not living this way any longer I won’t be a doormat…he can come to me when he needs me…I don’t know what he’s doing it’s all too bizzare to figure out myself….low self esteem issues? boosting of a crushed ego….being the center of this girls attention…or life and feeling fufilled by it….I’m not having it….I don’t even have hope anymore

    Rose, I have absolute deadness inside. My new way starts tonight…he went downstairs to his secret fantasy life and said he’ll be up to have dinner with us…Well my daughter just ate and I’m waiting he can eat alone…He can sleep on the couch, he can stop calling me and texting me like he has been…I don’t care what he has to say to me it means nothing…honestly nothing…..how god damn sad is this..I have a beautiful daughter and one on the way and could have a great family what a god damn sin this is…..I understand some of my part in this but why do I seem to be the one who was willing to help it out he just continues on doing what he was doing and expects me to be ok with it….I’m nobody’s fool….I wasn’t raised this way… I don’t need a man to take care of me I just need him to be a part of me….and be a man.

    I’ve given up now…I feel it inside I feared this and now I face it….I feel like I’m trapped in a dream(more like a nightmare) someone shake me and wake me up cause say it isn’t so….for the sake of my daughter and unborn one I hope I make it through this without some medical breakdown. I’m scared I’m losing my grip. I had a panic attack today and almost hit the floor….wtf did I do to deserve this at this point in my life…no one will ever understand the sadness and grief I feel and don’t know how to make it go away…

  26. janet April 30, 2010 at 7:09 pm #

    To this day I’m not sure if my long term boyfriend was involved in an emotional affair. He had a close female friend of 20+ years who was married yet would hang out alone with him at his house. I was never comfortable with them hanging out alone and we had agreed to those boundaries after several discussions. She sent him an email giving him a hard time after he told her he couldn’t hang out with her alone. Also came across emails where they told each other they missed one another, or ending with “love”. I know his other girlfriends were uncomfortable with their friendship and this was always a red flag for me. What disturbs me most is that he never told me about how she reacted to our boundaries, I discovered on my own. Needless to say I was very disappointed that he was trying to protect her instead of being up front about it with me. To this day he doesn’t think what went down was wrong.
    I don’t know how to deal with this.

    • admin April 30, 2010 at 9:53 pm #

      Hi Janet, and welcome. You know it is possible for a man and woman to be friends, especially after 20+ years of friendship. However, I too would be upset with his protecting her and may suggest that there is more of an emotional attachment between the two. So where do things stand now? Has he maintained the boundaries you agreed to? How serious is your relationship with this man?

  27. janet April 30, 2010 at 7:12 pm #

    I could really use some feedback on how to trust again. I should mention of course she is a very attractive women which just adds to my feelings of worthlessness. How do you explain to your partner that the fact they want to keep this friendship with someone who isn’t respectful of your boundaries is not a good idea? I don’t feel like there is a win/win in this…if he gives her up, he’ll blame me/resent me which he already does. If he keeps it up, I’ll always have doubt and feel slighted that he doesn’t respect me enough compared to her.

  28. Kim May 3, 2010 at 5:18 pm #

    Janet,
    Would love to try and give some advice on this subject for you….One thing I can say speaking from experience yes a man and a women can be friends. My husband untill this recent relationship issue with him, was friends with his friends girlfriend they use to hang out get lunch and watch soaps together when we first started dating I didn’t think much of it. But as admin asked you, how serious is your relationship with this man? I’m concerned with you mentioning she’s attractive and adds to your feelings of worthlessness….Never Never Ever let someone else make you feel this way because you think they are more attractive than you…..Attractiveness is inside and you seem to be alot more of a caring person than her. If she has to give your boyfriend a hard time about how he can’t spend alone time with her anymore than that should tell you the level of respect she has for others. If your boyfriend means alot to you and you think that you are serious enough, then take this into consideration. The fact that he even said to her that he couldn’t spend time with her alone says something about how he feels about you. I often question more of the other women’s motives than the mans. the men like the attention the women grab on. Just keep an open communication with him about this. Don’t harp on it everyday but make sure you both are on the same grounds about it. If he discontinues hanging out with her alone, who cares what she had to say about it, and I wouldn’t exspect him to tell you she gave him a hard time. Guys just come right out and tell their girlfriends these things. They don’t see it as we do. Without trust their isn’t much of a relationship and don’t be afraid to tell him so, after all it is what you feel. Good luck just watch out and keep your guard up so you don’t get too hurt. Trust me alot of us on here are learning things about our husbands we should have known to begin with and would have possibly prevented alot of hurt. Communicate make sure he knows how you feel and don’t forget to ask him what he feels and what he wants also.

  29. Kim May 15, 2010 at 8:21 pm #

    It’s been a while since I’ve been on….just checking in with my status..recently received advice about working on marriage…I’m not sure how I feel about it but I’m going to share it anyway…the advice was acts of love help feelings of love…kinda of the opposite of when a couple first meet…they fall in love and then act on that love. so trying to translate this…I guess it means to keep close to your spouse and hold hands and touch and kiss and the sparks will come back? Well when your upset with you spouse it’s hard to put those feelings aside. But they recommend not living in the past to move forward..I’m trying It’s just that I can’t get the past off my mind whether it be what happened between my husband and I or thinking of the good times we once had and occasionaly still have. I find it hard to be attached to my husband physically. I wouldn’t stray out of my marriage for it though. I just feel funny about it because we are searching for our feelings and this feels like it gets in the way. Almost makes it feel normal. My husband at least feels the same way I do about the physical attraction we still feel for each other. Which is good it must mean something is still there worth working on. We are friends and we do care alot for each other I know this needs to come first but can someone give me some advice on the physical part of being in a troubled marriage. Is this the key to working on our feelings..the advice I read mentioned that it can be just simple contact as well…like holding hands or cuddling or maybe an action that the other will feel your love from. The other day I wrote a quick note to my husband and put it in his work top. I figured the reasoning behind some of our problems was feeling inadequate as a provider and never doing enough to help his family as a support unit. So I wrote down how proud I was that he was doing so well at work. And to follow his dreams and instincts about what he wants out of his career. It was basically based on boosting a bit of esteem and let him know he’s appreciated. I’ll admit some of our problems have been based on wondering if he cared enough to work harder to help our family. When he went through multiple lay offs he sat back and pondered like a job was going to jump right in his lap. It was so aggravating watching him take his time. He’s always been a hard worker and a team player. I knew once the ball got rolling he would make the best of it and put his all into it. And with this new job he has done so well that he’s moving up quickly on the status level. But he still needed to hear it from me directly. He’s a good person and dad and deserves to feel good inside. We all need an ego boost and many times I’ve been selfish in this part not saying enough or telling him how I feel..So just some advice on the physical relationship issues would be appreciated. I hope we are going in the right direction.

    • admin May 15, 2010 at 9:56 pm #

      Great advice Kim. It sounds to me like you are indeed moving in the right direction. Keep it up!

  30. michael May 16, 2010 at 9:25 pm #

    Kim,
    The physical part was a lot easier when I felt threatened by the OM. I was in self preservation. Showing her I wanted and needed her. Showing her I loved her.
    But now its different. I don’t see the same from her and have lost that drive. The only time she says something is the after the fact. When we can’t be close. Like she doesn’t want to be physical but she tells me later that I missed my chance. Oh well.

    • Kim May 17, 2010 at 6:02 pm #

      it’s just hard because he strayed and told me that when I asked him if he was still in love with me his reponse was he didn’t know….so how can he be physical with me? I asked him and he said there must be some feelings still there but maybe they don’t seem as strong is how I interpet it. He said he would never go elsewhere for physical needs and he is still attracted to me. I guess that’s a good thing. After all we’ve done to each other I never lost this for him either. But why did he stray for a connection with someone else is my mental struggle everyday. I try to wrap my head around it. Some day I hope this is all in the past and I will never forget it but learn to forgive it even forgive myself for my mistreatment of my husband when the going got tough. We all learn from our mistakes I guess at the time my reponses seemed the only way I knew how to deal with my problems. Today I sent my husband a text…I always have something on my mind…I told him that I sit and think about us often and realize that I haven’t been happy for a long time. It wasn’t always him but life is hard and I get frustrated and take it out on him. we have been through alot at times I feel overwhelmed like how much shit can one person take. I always looked at it as one person because his reactions are different than mine. But in reality I know now they affected him too he is just more optimistic about things than me. I told him I never went elsewhere for a connection and can’t understand why he did and I still don’t understand it. All I know is we both have to change and I need him to support me emotionally as I promised I would be here for him. Anyway thanks for listening I love this forum it has helped me so much… I need to release what I’m thinking with people who understand to some degree.

      • Michael May 18, 2010 at 12:41 pm #

        Kim,
        I completely understand what you wrote. I could have written the words myself. Its not everyday that I feel that way and I’m sure its the same for you.
        Some days we connect physically in a wonderful and mutual way. And other days we can tell that one of us is just not fully there.

  31. Kim May 22, 2010 at 11:16 pm #

    Well here I sit on my living room floor faced with new concerns. Being 2 weeks away from having my second child. I’m faced with a decision on my marriage. Found out about an emotional affair my husband was having about 2 months ago. Was working on my reasons why it happened knowing I was at some fault. Ok so here we go. next we have wondering was my husband trying too. Evidently not I’m so dissapointed. Overheard a phone conversation again….I’ve been snooping for a while now with only listening to boring stuff him obviously listening to her days business. Well the other day I got a ear full. Of phone sex….how nice I don’t want anything to do with him and I told Him I having this baby on my own. He sent my two texts (seems to be the way to talk lately)….saying his priorities are wrong that me and the kids come first. I warned him not to have any contact with her at all ever again….well dumb ass doesn’t get it….he said we would take it one day at a time and knows we both went through a love loss in this marriage but still is attracked to me so there is some feelings there still he said..we just need to work on being friends….he said too much hurt has happened and I made sure I told him I realized my part in it and have been trying to work on it with him but he hasn’t he still continued on with his behaviour….I give up because i keep getting hurt I deserve to be happy….he said yes I do….I think I’m past crying now I’m angry…..life sucks…

    • Kim June 13, 2010 at 2:04 pm #

      Well here I am again. Two weeks ago I gave birth to my second daughter while dealing with all this marriage stuff at the same time. One of the most difficult times in my life. My daughter will never understand what I went through while I was pregnant with her. I’m lucky she’s healthy is all that matters to me and my older daughter too. I’m so thankful for these things. On the other hand I don’t have time for mister screw up anymore. Sorry to be so blunt I’m fed up. If anyone read my last comment. I think my feelings are going away….it’s all to real now. what happened has changed me forever. I realize like I said many times I had a part in this but it didn’t have to play out this way. With his behavior contiuning even after I know about it all. I care alot about him but that seems to be about it right now. I’m afraid I’m giving up. We have had little moments of nice kisses but that’s it. He obviously wants more some times but I’m not here for his physical needs anymore I told him so. AFter I found out about what was going on I poured my heart out to him and told him I realized what I did to push him away. I thought that this would be what we both needed and all it got me was more pain because he continued doing what he was doing anyway. Almost like a smack in the face again. I never exspected this. I know I told him several times that I wasn’t in love with him anymore but did I really mean it? I don’t think so because I never strayed away from my marriage for any physical contact so what does that tell you. Well he didn’t either but still had some emotional thing going on and still thinks it’s ok to call her. I’m afraid that he doesn’t get it and never will so I turn away it’s like enough already. The ball is in his court now. Even if he wants to reconnect with me and I do feel it sometimes I don’t feel that he deserves it yet. He has to earn my trust and comfort which I have neither of. I’m continuing my part of just playing it cool and not mentioning this stuff over and over. He has been more attentive but it’s not enough. Well only time will tell.

  32. Kim July 19, 2010 at 10:22 pm #

    Is there anyone still coming to this forum?

  33. Kim July 25, 2010 at 4:30 pm #

    guess not oh well it was good to vent here from time to time hope people come back.

    • Doug July 25, 2010 at 6:56 pm #

      Kim, People are still here. You just need to watch the comments section on the right side of the site to monitor other conversations to other posts.

  34. Colleen August 11, 2010 at 10:40 am #

    Hi,

    I hope some of you are still following this. I need advice.

    My husband and I have been married for almost five years. He’s 38, I’m 49.

    My husband is a third generation alcoholic. He is a high-functioning drinker with a prestigious position. I discovered a few months ago that he was corresponding with a female Facebook friend. I was uncomfortable with it and confronted him. Naturally, he said they were “just friends” and that she’s married with children.

    We had problems in our marriage and were almost divorced last August. But we stayed together and sought counseling. We went separately but when it came time to go together, he didn’t follow up. I think this was around the time he began emailing this “friend.”

    Things got better, then worse, then better. But then he withdrew. He spend more time on FB. His cell phone became an appendage.

    I asked about his relationship with this woman and he got angry and defensive, so I backed off. Last month he forgot to log off and I saw his posts to her (yes, I snooped). He shared intimate details of our marriage – our sex life (which was non-existent), his resentment of my not earning enough. He stressed his need for closeness that I don’t provide; especially after his father died in December of cirrhosis.

    At little background:

    His father was emotionally abusive toward his mother when he drank – so much so that he and his brother grabbed him one time as they feared he would hit her. Yet my husband idolizes his father and portrays him as Ward Cleaver. I was there for him as best I could.

    (His alcoholism has affected me deeply in my self-confidence. If I can’t stop my husband from drinking I feel I can’t succeed at anything.)

    Because he can’t accept the truth about his father, my husband seeks out people who he can present him as a decent father. Our close friends know the truth.

    He claims he bonded with this women out of friendship and that he didn’t want to discuss our marriage with our friends so as not to embarrass me. He said that gender didn’t (and doesn’t) play a role and anonymity was best for “us.”

    They exchanged phone numbers and he claims they only spoke once (while he was out walking our dog). He also claims that he understands that I feel betrayed and wouldn’t discuss our marriage. This was a month ago and I have a gut feeling he still is.

    So here I sit while he’s apartment sitting in NYC. I’m to join him in a few days. He sounds emotionally distant and hasn’t called me much. I fear that they’ve met because she lives near the city.

    I don’t know whether to cancel the trip and move out or go and see what happens. My guess is that she’s “counseling” him to leave me given what I read.

    I don’t know what to do and would welcome advice.

    Thank you.

  35. Last2know August 12, 2010 at 7:21 am #

    Colleen, you need to work on you. Let her have him. Why would you want to stay with such a weak person. Maybe you tell him your not coming and show up anyway and see how he reacts. If he has a work phone you won’t be able to see the phone logs to see how much they really are talking. The signs are all there. You sound pretty level headed. Keep us posted and if your going to “wait it out” good luck. Remember addicts just switch from one addiction to another. Let her take Care of him when he has his first gastric bleed and sitting in the hospital puking up blood. My first H was and. Alcoholic (still is from what I hear). Maybe someone with more experience can help but I think you should get out. 49 is still young if that’s an issue with you but there many people who start over at much older ages than that. All of this is just my opinion. Even if he does come back to you there’s still the addition you have to deal with and it doesn’t sound like he will ever quit if he wants to be just like his Father. I feel really sorry for him but the issue here is you and you getting to where you feel confident enough to do what’s best for you.

  36. stunnedwife September 10, 2010 at 6:34 pm #

    married for 13 years and discovering that your husband is sending emails and having Facebook chats with another women has crushed me. I had a feeling in the middle of January that something felt off, and took it upon myself to search his work laptop computer to discover this. What I discovered was sexual in nature emails exchanged and that she loved him and believed he was her soulmate. She to is married and was celebrating 25 years when I discovered some conversations. They were former classmates but didn’t really know each other. They reconnected on Facebook and she was “picking” my husbands brain on her marriage and they connected. Never would I have guessed my husband would tell someone else how turned on he was or that it was okay to flirt with someone else, let alone play truth or dare via emails. They met publicly that I know of twice. The second time I was angry they were meeting and made my opinion known that is wasn’t right. She claimed her husband was controlling but was out of town so they could meet for coffee. My husband travels for work and I never thought to meet someone so this struck me very wrong!! When I confronted my spouse he was very defensive but apologetic and was happy I found out. I was so angry!! I thought we were happily married and never thought him capable of hurting me like this. He claims it was all games never meant anything. That just frustrated me even more. when I told him he must end all communication with her and anybody else he flirted with or we have no chance. He readily agreed and was very apologetic but with a no big deal attitude because he didn’t cheat in his mind. The following morning I added his email address to my cell phone without his knowledge so I could be sure he was ending it. He told her I found out and he needed to end talking to her. She replied all sorry blah,blah. He then replied it’s over, I love you, bye! I saw this and instantly flipped out that my husband would tell another woman he loved her. But I kept my calm and just texted him to ask if he ended it and was there emails exchanged? He replied I will forward the emails to you. Needless to say he never forwarded the I love you email. I forwarded it to him with, what about this one? He claims he just used it as a closing and never said it prior to her. Yes I regretted adding his email address and seeing him say this. That was and is today, very hurtful and devastating. I can’t get past why he lied and what was the gain? We saw a marriage counselor because I feel he had an emotional affair and to this day he claims they were just friends and he didn’t really mean he loved her. This was 9 months ago and I am still really struggling with him saying I love you to another woman and why he felt it was okay to flirt and have private chats and emails with other women. I still check his computer and phone once a month just to be sure things are okay. I actually feel angry at myself for checking and at him for making me feel like I need to check. What I hate is that he changed how I love him and how I doubt myself as a wife and women. I want my independence and self confidence back but also to love him deeply no questions asked love like we had. How do you Linda, keep sane and not dwell or resent? Any tips to move forward? There has been zero contact or flirting from him to other women since January when everything came out. He is a very loving devoted husband and I believe he is truly sorry and regrets the choices he made, but I can’t let go. Any advice or tips would be appreciated.
    Sorry this is so long…

  37. Colleen September 10, 2010 at 11:06 pm #

    Well, my gut feeling was correct – he met with her in NYC. He told me he didn’t but he left his Facebook message on the computer screen and I saw their exchange about what a great time they had. I flipped out and called him a liar. He apologized and I caved. We returned home and he became even more distant. Two weeks later he said he wanted a divorce.

    So I moved out last week into a cute apartment, free of his Facebook obsession and drinking. Bottom line? I couldn’t trust him anymore.

    I hired an attorney and, while it’s sad to end our marriage, I feel pretty good. Slowly I’m getting my independence and self-confidence back.

    My advice: Go with your gut feelings. Once you lose trust in someone – especially a partner – there is nothing left.

  38. LizS September 11, 2010 at 6:20 pm #

    Colleen-It’s nice to know that even if we choose not to stay there is a life for us after a affair!

  39. Charles M February 12, 2011 at 12:32 am #

    Hi All, Colleen, I guess the only thing I have heard from some attorneys is to not leave your home when your not the problem…Thats the only reason I am still at home myself…let alone why should I leave as I Have done nothing. The cheater should distant themselves..period.

  40. Jill March 24, 2011 at 3:02 pm #

    Hi,

    I am new to the group. Here is my story:

    My husband I are high school sweethearts. We have been married for 12 years and we dated for almost six years before that. We have two precious children I homeschool. We are both Christians.

    For two years or so, I was dealing with a depression. I was having health challenges and kept going to doctor after doctor trying to find out why I kept getting these panic attacks. One doctor said hyperthyroid, another said I needed progesterone and another and another and another and confusion and depression set in. I could not make a decision, was placed on tranquilizers and went through hell to get off them. I searched day and night for my cure. My husband says I abandoned him.

    In the midst of not being able to save me, he found another woman who gave him the attention, flattery and good times I could not. They started to go on walks together, exchanged music together, sent eachother jokes, texted day and night. She became his “best buddy”. I did not even know until August when he told me he was feeling bad about this friendship. they apparently had met and talked about how the friendship needed boundries because it was getting too close. I felt assured at this point that he handled it and all was fine. Though unhappy about her, I felt like he did the right thing by ending it.

    A month later, in the middle of the night, I got this strange sensation of dread and checked his text log. She left a message stating that her husband was asleep and she was free to talk on facebook. He in fact resumed communication with her I discovered! I sent her a message on facebook asking her to stay away from him as he is a married man and his family does love him; she was dividing his heart. She denied anything but being coworkers, and she only cares about him as a brother in the lord. I did ask him to cut off the friendship as I realized the intensity of what had developed and it was continuing despite promises it would end. I felt strongly that there was no safe place for this to go. He kind of agreed after I threatened to leave. I told him if he wanted her then, he should just let me go but don’t hang onto to both us as it is utterly unfair. He agreed again to let it go.

    He did not let it go. I saw almost constant communication between the two of them on text logs. He said it was under control. He was just trying to get rid of the bad part of the friendship but keep the good part. I told him there was no good part — let her go or let me go.

    During Christmas he told me much of what took place. They went for daily walks, she had communicated that she “really, really liked him”, it was like he was dating for a while, she sent him romantic music, they were talking almost constantly at work He has revealed much to me and said that his “friend” has made sexual passes and suggestions even saying she would like to see how far things could go, has sent romantic music with hidden messages and has said she would not leave town and her husband because of her feelings for him. He appologized and realized this friendship was not right. We then agreed to repair our marriage.

    All was good until I found another text stating that he had given her a Christmas present. I realized that though this happened before our discussion and admission, it still hurt. He went back to justification — they were just friends.

    The next month, I noticed his mood was elated after being downcast for sometime. I asked if he had made contact with her. He denied that he had and said I must be crazy. I approached him with the call log. We went to the counselor who confronted him with his behavior. He went out of there and promised to never go back. he did not like to be told he needed to disconnect contact with her on facebook and needed to face what he was doing to me.

    I contacted her on the phone, and she in anger filed a complaint against him at work. A formal investigation was done. He again was forced to acknowledge what he was doing was wrong and that the realtionship was more than a friendship. I even found out she made passes at him like lets go lie in the bushes. Work ruled that they are not to have contact or face further discpilinary measures.

    I found a recent phone log stating that he was having a hard time letting go of feelings for her. I am having a hard time forgiving him as I felt like I had to pry her out of his hands. He did not have it under control. I still feel forced even with our pastor who is counseling us to explain that this is not an appropriate friendship. He refuses to use the term emotional affair and go through a workbook called Torn Asunder. In the meantime, I am waking up with nightmares, obsessing about this and feeling angry because he will not call it an ea.

    He is working on us now, going to counseling but keeps telling me I need to handle the emotions surrounding this on my own as this was just a symptom of a bad marriage. So we are both at fault.

    I don’t even know what I am looking for anymore. He is not talking to her anymore, he is working on us, he has said sorry. I guess I feel angry that he will not own the destruction he has caused with this relationship and he will not be honest about what happened calling it its true name, an EA. I am so tired from trying to pull him away. I really want to just walk away. I don’t like feeling blamed for this mess either. I was depressed; he felt lonely but I do not deserve this. Any insights on what I am looking for from him?

  41. lavishia April 23, 2011 at 12:54 am #

    I have a peculiar problem. My husband is close to a woman who is about 20 years older to him and to the world she is his ‘adopted mother’. He met her through a high school friend of his and was living with her family for about 10 years as an adopted son. My husband and I have been married 2 years now, his relationship with the other woman is much older than ours. We did talk about this relationship before we married but what I understood of it then was he regarded her as a mother figure who was around him during his growing up years, since his own biological parents were living in a different city.
    However when I spend more time with the two of them around each other more often now after marriage, their relationship makes me uncomfortable. They have their personal jokes and generally become irritable if they do not get some alone time to each other on a daily basis. My husband has to meet her everyday, so even if it means he needs to cut off time he has left to spend with me, he does that. My husband exchanges several text messages with her and is very possessive of his cellphone. My husband blames my past bad relationship experiences for making me cynical and non trusting. Basically the two of them have a history together and have conveyed to me with subtlety that I either accept this “mother-son” relationship or get out of my husband’s life.

  42. badshah July 16, 2011 at 6:16 pm #

    Mine is a pecuilar problem, sister of mine is married for d past 5 years and is going through a rough patch. Her seems to be not supportive or understanding though to me and many family friends of ours he is a good guy other than his drinking habit which is very occassiinal -moderate and sometimes high but has nevr raised hands on my sister. She says he gets angry and shouts at her when drunk. Meanwhile sister of mine has a boyfriend and is emotionally very attached to him. I found her frequently calling and messenging d guy late in d
    eveningon a daily basis. I asked her to cut things but it continued , she says he is like a younger brother to her though the regularly dmeet each other without her husband’s knowledge. She spends entire day with him on hr birthdays and visits his office on weekends. Please suggest Is she right on her part.

  43. Rett Peters October 9, 2011 at 1:12 pm #

    What you said about denial of emotional relationships is true. It seems that that nature of an emotional relationship is such that it sneaks up on you.
    I know a married woman at work who has great conversations with me. We enjoy listening to each others perspectives.
    Seeing how comfortable we have become with each other, there is obviously a chance for emotional affair to sneak up on us unsuspectingly.
    Here is a trick that I employ to prevent our great conversations from leading us into an emotional affair:
    Just pretend that her husband is standing right there listening and possibly contributing to the conversation.
    Last thing I want is to become a wedge between them.

  44. Crysis March 30, 2012 at 11:16 am #

    Cant believe some of these stories the pattern is so similar…
    My husband has a little love triangle going, not involving me!
    Bunny has two friends one s male and one female, the male adores the female and she adores my bunny :(
    For a long time she wasn’t even mentioned, only the male, then after a few years, the kids are old enough, I didn’t have to take one for the team and stay home all the time. I start to go out with them, and there she is AL OF THE TIME!
    At first he said “she’s not my friend, but his”
    Then “I don’t invite her”
    You don’t have to be around them much to see how it is, a desperate love triangle.
    I’ve done my best to make it a complete tangle, including pointing out to the male that he will never have an in with Bunny around, but he knows that if Bunny abandons the trio it will fall apart.
    Sigh
    I’ve tried to be friends with her but she really doesn’t want to be my friend. So here I am left with the trio at work together, at the gym together, playing sport together, playing cards together, by the time he is done with them and spent some time with the kids there’s not much left over for me.
    The thing I hate the most about the situation is that Bunny REALLY gets off on the attention
    PS I would be going to the gym but we can’t afford it (Bunny got his as a gift from the male) also I would join in the sports except I can’t keep up because of a back injury from a car accident.

  45. Dis-enchanted March 30, 2012 at 6:22 pm #

    My husband says that he’s online affair wasn’t an emotional affair, but he doesn’t know “what” to call it, he says it was the a friendship that was in between friends and emotional affair.? huh…will someone shed some light on this for me…this sounds really stupid to me. Thanks

  46. Dis-enchanted March 31, 2012 at 2:53 pm #

    Found out the truth today, after a month of using..as my H calls it “Chinese Torture” that my husband was in a emotion affair with sexual innuendos. What do I do now…how can I continue this marriage, thinking that it may be a lie on his part..and how can I trust anything that my H says to me, or anything that my H says.. how do you not compare yourself to the OW or try to be something that you are not…just to make sure that my H doesn’t feel the need to reach out to another woman for his pleasure and validation. We have been married for 12 years…my husband is a former addict and alcohol …and has lied to me throughout our marriage…my H could lie to me with no more respect for me..than taking a drink of water. Now my H says that he knows that he doesn’t deserve another chance…be he wants and has changed…and he won’t do anything like that anymore…and he won’t never lie to me again….how in the world can I believe anything that he is telling me…and further more…why would I even want to maybe set myself up for another lie? My H tells me that he felt like he couldn’t communicate with me..and that he thought that I only loved him to a certain point…maybe in his mind…that notion was real to him…but it wasn’t….and I can’t help to feel that it is a bunch of hog wash! He seems to think that since it was online and the phone..and not physical..that it isn’t as serious…I don’t understand “how” one can think that? I would appreciate it if someone can comment on my situation.

    • chiffchaff March 31, 2012 at 4:27 pm #

      Dis-enchanted – you only have to read the many articles and comments on this site to recognise your husbands ‘we’re just good friends’ for the hogwash you describe it as.
      In terms of what he has to do next, there are also lots of articles here to help you through this process.

    • Lynne March 31, 2012 at 6:42 pm #

      Dis-enchanted,

      My advice is to NOT get caught up in whether you can both agree it was an EA . First, would you really expect him to tell you that he does, and particularly since if this is a fairly new discovery? And as you well know, addicts and alcoholics lie to get what they need

      Don’t argue this point with him, as it is a moot point. What really matters is how you see it. If it makes you uncomfortable and crosses your boundaries of what is acceptable in a marriage, that is what matters. He doesn’t have to agree with you, he just needs to hear that there is no aspect of it that is okay with you.

      When you are able to calmy sit down and talk together ask him what it was that specifically made him feel he couldn’t communicate with you. This is not to pin it on you at all, but to really listen to him to see what has led him to feel this way. Whether you agree with it or not, this is his perspective (if he is telling you the truth about this), and you might learn more about some of the dynamics at work between the two of you. Perhaps a Marriage Counselor could assist with this, as well as helping your H to see the hurt this has caused, and to determine whether it’s possible for healing to occur between you.

      As to comparing yourself to the other woman, you would be well served to shake this off. The OW IS NOT BETTER THAN YOU! This is about his poor coping mechanisms and the OW being a willing participant. Her bad choice to get involved with your H says everything it needs to say about her—don’t give her any more credit than that!

      It is absolutely understandable that you are angry and do not trust him right now. Try to get to a calm and non-reactionary place as soon as possible–he will not truly hear you in the anger, but will know when you are calm and measured in your reaction to him, that you are in control of where this is going…..and that he better get ready for the ride, and for the truth.

      Hang in there.

  47. Dis-enchanted April 1, 2012 at 4:13 am #

    Thank you Lynne, I appreciate your fresh and clear point of view…it means more than you know. :)

  48. Dis-enchanted April 1, 2012 at 4:16 am #

    chiffchaff, Thank you for bringing me back to the “we’re just friends” excuse.

  49. Traci June 7, 2012 at 12:52 pm #

    Does everyone realize you can call people just through your voice mail and it only shows on bill you called voice mail! you can go in voice mail and check receipt of messages if you know the persons phone number. I just cant figure out how it works completly, I can leave a message on husbands phone and he gets it, an I send one back to my phone from his an an i get it,but when I check receipt it tells me in valid number, but when I chec OW number it says all messages received on his phone!

  50. Mel June 26, 2012 at 11:46 am #

    My husband has PTSD, IED and TBI. I know he has had an emotional affair and I am not sure it hasn’t already went sexual. the thing is its very hard to talk to him and he is in denial aver the affair. The bad part is its with his own cousin. So he still continues to be in contact with her and I know he can’t wait to find a way to be with her again. He brings her up in conversation from out of the blue and I can’t say anything about it without him blowing up. He was also texting other women and lied to me when I asked who she was. I have caught him in lies because I monitor his phone calls and texts on our monthly bill. He told me it was a male friend texting him, it was her. What can i do short of leaving him?

  51. CookieMomster July 6, 2012 at 1:11 pm #

    Mel, I’m sorry no one has replied to your post before now, but if you’ve asked this question on other blogs or forums I’m sure someone has told you to run, DON’T WALK, to your nearest psychological professional!!! You need the assistance of a trained therapist in your situation who will also help you to get your spouse to enter therapy. Sometimes insightful couples can repair their own relationships without professional help, but you have a very unique situation and I hope you will do whatever it takes to help yourself! Let us know how things are going and please continue to post!!

  52. Brianna June 7, 2013 at 11:49 am #

    Hi everyone! Reading all the posts has me wanting to get advice from you all. You all are giving some great info. Heres my story: My husband and i have been married for a little over three years. Together for 4. When we first started dating maybe three months into it i found out he had a gf. She called me and asked me to stop calling/texting/seeing him so i did. A few months pass and i get a message from him apologizing and wanting to hang out. As frineds. Me being dumb agreed to get together in a place where there was no chance in anything happening. Im not sure why but the feelings i had for him grew and i couldnt stop them. We officially started dating and have had [roblems since then. Hes a big party person, gets super drunk, and acts immatre and stupid. Thats was the root of the relationship problem. We found out i was pregnant a year into our relationship and everything changed. He stopped drinking as much (compared to how he usually drank it was a big change). ANd he actually treated me with more respect than he did befreo. Anyways, come 2012 he has to deploy for a year. There he gets emotioally involved with a girl from his batallion. I had this gut feeling she was trouble from the moment i saw her at a yellow ribbon ceremony and he told me i was being dumb. So i brushed it off. Turns out about half ways through the deployment they became really good friends and eventually more. He says it was nothing physical and im not sure if i beleive him. I saw the email of a picture he sent her saying hed miss her and he loved her. When i questioned him all he could say he he didnt know what he said that because he doesnt love her. He still talks to her throughout the day. He says its all innocent stuff but i find that hard to believe. Ive kicked him out of the house twice already and lways let him back in because i feel bad that he doesnt have a place to stay and we have kids together. I do still love him but i cant get over the fact that they are still talking. Should i just accept it and attempt tp trust him? Believe what he tells me? I want this marriage to work. Ive got my appointment to seek counseling to work on myself and my self seteem. But how to i act with him? How do i look past what he did and be happy again?

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