Emotional Affair Recovery and Forgiving Infidelity

forgiving infidelitySomeone asked me yesterday if I have forgiven the other person (Tanya), and whether or not I have forgiven Doug.  Being asked about forgiving infidelity, specifically about forgiving Tanya, made me sit back and think for a little bit.  I began to wonder if that was something I should do as part of my emotional affair recovery process.

Honestly, I never thought about forgiving Tanya, because for me it is hard to forgive someone who only exists in my mind. What I mean by that is I really know little about her.  I only know what Doug has revealed, which in turn has fueled my assumptions about her.

I really feel that I don’t owe her my forgiveness and that forgiving her is not worth my time and effort.  This may sound really mean, but the only effort I should focus on is eliminating her from my head and separating the reality from the illusions. So the answer is NO.   I have not forgiven Tanya, nor do I plan to in the future. My emotional affair recovery can continue just fine without forgiving her.

As for Doug…I believe I have finally put the emotional affair behind us and have forgiven him.  Like I wrote about yesterday, it has been a process. It was something that I tried to rush, but ended up frustrated because I wasn’t there yet.

I knew that forgiving him would set us both free and enable our relationship to grow, but for a long time it just wasn’t possible. I wasn’t there emotionally to the level that Doug was.

For me I had to totally feel all the emotions caused by the betrayal: grief, anger, guilt and denial.  Because of the roller coaster ride associated with these emotions and experiences, I wasn’t able to experience each emotion fully.

I also had a lot of work to do on myself.  I really needed to figure out how I fit into all this mess. I really needed to sort out my behaviors and how they contributed to the demise of our marriage.  I had to figure how to be a better wife and a better person.

I believe that in order to fully forgive Doug that he had to take responsibility for the affair.  He had to truly understand the pain that the affair caused and show remorse for his actions. This has also been a process for him, and I believe he had to peel away a lot of layers to arrive there; anger, resentment, entitlement, selfishness, etc.

Doug also had to look deep within himself to figure out how he ended up in the affair in the first place.  It is hard to comprehend, but I believe the way we dealt with the aftermath of the affair really set the time table for forgiveness.

I can confirm that we made many mistakes along the way, however every situation is different and there isn’t really a set way to deal with an affair. There is no systematic instruction manual for affair recovery. We dealt with the situation the best way we knew how.

I finally came to the point when I understood that forgiveness was for ME, not him, and that forgiveness would set me free so I would be happy again. I am not sure when this forgiveness actually took place, but I imagine Doug could probably pinpoint the time because he did see a change in me.  I was happier, I looked at him differently, and I stopped talking about my pain and the emotional affair itself.

They say that forgiving infidelity does not necessarily mean forgetting.  I can attest to that.  I still have triggers and fears, but I don’t allow them to consume my life and take away my happiness.

Honestly, I just got tired of living with this in my head and I had to make a decision to let it stay there, play the victim and be sad and tired, or move on and enjoy the love and life that we have created together.  

LINESPACE

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45 Responses to Emotional Affair Recovery and Forgiving Infidelity

  1. stupidandtrusting November 9, 2010 at 11:29 am #

    Linda – music was on this morning and a Roberta Flack phrase seems so apropos ….singing my life with her words. Obviously I subbed his with her but really Linda, I am more than a year behind you in this experience yet I often feel that you are writing my life…thank you, as it helps me find clarity within my mind and also see what is ahead.

  2. Karen November 9, 2010 at 1:32 pm #

    So appreciate the insight. I can “hear” your conviction about not forgiving Tanya. Everything I’ve read says that forgiving the OP is also a part of the recovery process, but I at this time (5 months post D-day) feel much the same way you do. Not sure we are right though. I think it’s much easier to forgive our H’s if they have/are mostly doing the right things after the affairs since we are seeing them every day and trying to re-invent our marriages (and working on ourselves). It’s somewhat tangible progress. But since forgiveness is not for our H’s but for us, it seems logical that forgiving the OP’s would help us too with the remaining triggers and remants of the affair. . . . . just thinking aloud. Not sure.

  3. Vanessa November 9, 2010 at 1:55 pm #

    I want to thank you so much for your website. It has been helping me so much understand what is happening to me and my husband. I found out about my husband’s four month emotional affair about a month ago and I am struggling so hard to move on but I fully cannot forgive and forget just yet. I was pregnant when he became involved with another woman and that is just something that I cannot forgive right now. Your website gives me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    • Doug November 9, 2010 at 2:21 pm #

      Thank you for the kind words. Hope is a good thing and gives you the motivation to carry on. Good luck.

  4. stupidandtrusting November 9, 2010 at 2:30 pm #

    I have no intention of forgiving OW – she is not in our lives, our paths will never cross and I hope she suffers all the more due to my refusal to forgive. I just asked my H if he would forgive her for the pursuit, for the manipulation, for knowing he was in the midst of a major depressive event and still pushing – he said absolutely never, no not ever, and you better not either – I nearly lost everything. Nope, no forgiveness for her.

  5. ruth November 9, 2010 at 4:31 pm #

    I only wish the OW big warts all over her face! NO forgiveness ever!

    • Domini November 15, 2010 at 12:11 pm #

      I think that if I had to come into contact with the OW that i could possibly hurt her! I am a quiet, non violent person, but the rage I feel inside for her is immense and it scares me. I can still see the smug look on her face…like she deserved him and I’d had my chance and blown it! Ugh! It makes me sick to my stomach! No, I will never forgive her, not ever! She’s a tramp who set out to destroy my marriage, my family and my life all because she wanted to. How dare she try to take what I painstakingly worked at for almost 20 years. Where to people get the idea that they get to do that? Someone please tell me because I don’t get it!

  6. stupidandtrusting November 9, 2010 at 6:21 pm #

    Ruth, the one pic I have seen of the OW looks like she has a few warts already…..seriously :)

  7. Donna November 9, 2010 at 7:04 pm #

    I cannot forgive OW yet, and the thought of ever doing so is hard to ever comprehend. HOWEVER… I do hope thatin time I can find it in my heart to figive as I will feel I have completly let go of all my huret and anger then, As I said, not sure if I can do this, but I would like to be able too. That does not mean letting her know this, I can forgive without letting her know. Maybe I am strange, but to me that would be COMPLETE healing for me.

  8. blueskyabove November 9, 2010 at 8:10 pm #

    I don’t know if forgiving the OP is necessary for full and complete recovery or not. I only know that for myself I knew relatively early on that in order for me to get on with my life, to become the individual I was capable of being, that at some time I would have to find a way to have compassion for her. It wasn’t easy.

    I had many ugly thoughts about her initially, but I also knew her personally and I knew she had just gone through an ugly divorce which had resulted from her husband’s affair. She chose not to work on her marriage, but ran away instead. I don’t believe she had even begun to deal with his affair and the divorce at the time the affair with my husband happened. She found out about her husband’s affair almost exactly 2 years before my D-Day so it was easy for me to imagine what she must have going through as the weeks turned into months for me.

    In the beginning I was angry that she got to walk away unscathed while my husband and I were struggling. She wasn’t accountable to anyone. It didn’t seem fair, but since I knew her, I also knew it was doubtful that she would learn anything from her actions and grow as an individual. I can’t tell you how many times in the last 3 1/2 years I have fought the urge to contact her but I’m glad I didn’t. Recently I saw a current picture of her on the web and I couldn’t believe what I saw. She has become a complete mess. I wouldn’t have recognized her if I had run into her in person. My reaction to the picture surprised me. I never expected to truly have compassion for someone who had been instrumental in causing me so much pain. I was glad that I had had no part in adding to her misery and apparent hardship in life. Since then I have discovered that my compassion for HER has helped ME far more than all the ugly thoughts I had about her. Maybe I can become the person I would like to be afterall.

  9. Alice November 9, 2010 at 8:33 pm #

    I wonder if the OP ever truly realizes the amount of pain their actions caused – not just to the betrayed spouse, but to the children as well. And I wonder if they ever feel truly remorseful for this. My guess is no. I think to be involved with a married person, you have to have a fairly selfish personality to begin with. Something of feeling entitled to whatever/whoever they want regardless of who gets hurt in the process. It’s hard to show this type of person any forgiveness. I sure as hell don’t want to forgive.

    Although, my gut tells me that Karen is right. Somehow in the long run not forgiving probably ends up hurting us more than the OP.

  10. luna November 10, 2010 at 12:08 am #

    My husband had his affair with his ex, who’s the mother of his daughter. She has tried to kill herself 3 times since he ended it back in feburary She has gotten pregnant with an other men and aborted, has no job, and has been living with her mother until recently who kicked her out of the home… She has a very pathetic family history. She is born out of an affair her own mother had with her lover, and was brought up as a second class citizen in her own house by her mother’s husband. I feel bad for her and to a certain degree I honestly wish her well, and never took this personal. Actually the better she gets, the easier it will be for us to move on, because as we are trying to move on, this whole drama she’s living has repercussion directly on our lives… basically our lives are very intertwined since they share a daughter…

    What I have a hard time to deal with his the type of mother she is to her daughter, and the example she is setting out for her. Her daughter doesn’t know what happend but she knows her mother is not ok. She even refuses to talk to her mom when she knows she is not in a good state…

    all together it is so pathetic, that I have forgiven her…

    I saw this train wreck coming to some degree because of the way she had behaved towards us in the past, but I never thought my husband would let himself get cough up in it… and personally it is much harder for me to forgive him for getting involved with her and not seeing it himself before it went off track..

  11. melissa November 10, 2010 at 5:27 am #

    Alice, you’re right. The sense of entitlement from both ‘guilty’ parties is quite incredible. I was told when I confronted the OW for calling my husband again, ten months after D-Day and after promising not to, that she’s ‘grown up and can do what she likes and he can do what he likes too’. When will people stop confusing being grown up with being able to do whatever they like without considering the feelings of others and the consequences of their actions? ‘Do unto others as you would like to be done unto’ has always been a principle I try to live my life by but I guess I’m in a minority.

  12. Alice November 10, 2010 at 1:31 pm #

    Melissa:
    She told you “grown up and can do what she likes and he can do what he likes too’???

    Wow. That’s the definition of selfishness right there. Although, I’m willing to bet she has really, really low self-esteem and is trying desperately to fill that empty void with something (with unfortunately ended up being your husband) and is now trying to validate that what she did was not wrong. And the best she could come up with was “I’m all grown up and I do what I want.”
    Pathetic.

    Melissa, this woman has NOTHING on you. You are a much better human being by far.

  13. jennifer November 10, 2010 at 4:57 pm #

    It was easier for me to forgive the OW than my husband. SHE didn’t break the vows made to me on our wedding day. SHE didn’t forsake my loving and care during some very difficult times for both of us. SHE didn’t ignore my needs after a somewhat difficult pregnancy. SHE was pathetic, a woman who forsaked her own husband and 3 boys for a High School Emotional fling with my husband. It was his job to protect this from entering into our family. I did speak with the OW on several occasions, as well as her hisband and mother. She was easy to forgive, she’s not a part of my life and is so unimportant to me that I felt no need to carry resentment against her.
    I’m having trouble with my husband though, because he should be POURING out love and gratitude for me and remorse for almost destroying my life, and our family’s. But he’s not doing things that I think he should, and of course, I’m the one with the issues……..This is so hard!!

    • luna November 11, 2010 at 12:19 am #

      That s how I pretty much feel to…That is what I was trying to express with my post..

    • Doug November 11, 2010 at 6:49 pm #

      Jennifer, though I don’t know how long it’s been since he has broken things off (assuming that he has), he may need some time to regain the loving feelings to where he feels comfortable pouring out his love for you.

    • CopWife November 14, 2010 at 7:59 am #

      I have to agree with many of you that that ‘forgiving’ the OW just isn’t an issue for me. I have always believed that it is the man/woman in the marriage that is to blame for infidelity. He is the one who made a committment before God, friends and family to love and honour me. The OW made no such vows to me – her husband, on the other hand….But that’s another story. Since discovering the EA, it turns out that the OW has been attempting to text other cops. I pointed out to my husband that it looks like a case of what they refer to as ‘blue fever’ – attraction to cops and that he put his marriage and family on the line for a woman who didn’t see him, but his uniform. I hope he realizes how monumentally stupid his EA was…

    • Sandra November 29, 2010 at 7:42 am #

      Jennifer, I’m in the same situation. My husband told me of his emotional affair 2 weeks ago. He promised to end it. But I found an email between them, proving that it wasn’t over. I’ve been in contact with the other woman and her husband. I texted the her husband to let him know that it was still happening. Then all hell broke loose. He called my husband, and threatened him. Now my husband has moved out (well this is his first night out). He asked me not to contact him, but I did. I felt he was just trying to protect her. There’s much more to the story. I’m not sure what to do now. I have an appointment set up with a marriage counselor. I’m not sure he will come. But I intend to go. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Should I try to contact him, or leave him alone?

  14. Karen November 10, 2010 at 6:33 pm #

    Jennifer – wow, that’s a great perspective – never thought of it that way!!! You forgave the OW without her even asking for forgiveness and you excluded her influence on your life. Bravo!!!

  15. Alice November 10, 2010 at 10:04 pm #

    I remember reading somewhere along all my internet research about betrayed husband who forgave the other man. He actually confronted the OM and said something along the lines of: “I don’t hate you. I feel sorry for you. I feel very sorry that you couldn’t be the man that so many people needed you to be. Your wife, your family, your children, all needed you to be a better man and you just couldn’t do it.”

    I thought that was the money line :)

    • ppl November 11, 2010 at 10:35 am #

      alice, i dont understand. why would he need to forgive other man. his problem is with his wife. not the other guy. its identifying the problem that is the first step to a solution. there is always someone more exciting, more fresh etc that is willing to go with a spouse. if it werent that guy, it would be someone else. his problem is his relationship with his wife or his wife’s attitude/personality/priorities.

  16. Karen November 11, 2010 at 11:45 am #

    I’m wondering if it might be easier for betrayed H’s to forgive the other H than for women to do the same. . . men just seem to move forward easier than women (i.e. they just want to move on from their affairs and for us to get over it :)
    Now to my forgiveness story: after I brought up this subject and Linda wrote the wonderful post, guess what? My OW contacted me via email (I still snoop so I have a web presence on where my H and the OW used to interact). She FB’d me and tried to explain why she was just trying to help; for some strange reason (?) I calmly replied and stated why she was wrong and that it was a full-blown emotional affair and how it made me feel — got the longest email back asking for forgiveness and that she had reread my FB reply many, many times and thought I was right. Gave me some background on her issues and past (way more than I wanted to know), but guess what? I felt compelled to forgive her (???) and I wrote her back granting my forgiveness. Told her I didn’t trust her but that I forgave her. I’ve already forgiven my husband (no trust yet), and guess what? I felt a tremendous weight and pressure lift off me. She profusely thanked me, but I think I got way more out of it than she!!!
    I shed some tears (thankful ones), told my H about it that night when I got home from work, and cannot explain but that I feel a wonderful peace about the whole thing. Both the OW and my H each told me different stories of what happened, who did what, who pursued whom, and they’re sticking to their stories (makes them feel better, I guess), but that’s okay with me. Why? I have absolutely no idea.
    Anyone who thinks God doesn’t have a sense of humor needs to just look at my life!!! Today at least, I’m very thankful.

    • Doug November 11, 2010 at 12:05 pm #

      Karen, What a wonderful story! That’s fantastic! It’s amazing how one (not so) little act of forgiveness can affect your emotional well-being.

  17. stupidandtrusting November 11, 2010 at 12:17 pm #

    Karen – I would love to be contacted by the OW, but LINDSEY is far too selfish to think she owed anyone anything, be it an explanation, an acknowledgment, responsibility or an apology. LINDSEY, a married woman, was having multiple affairs, both EA’s and PA’s. My H was but a pawn in her master game of manipulation. I don’t mean he is faultless at all, but LINDSEY the VIPER was quite skilled. Her H told me that she had collected many, many thousands of dollars and gifts and had destroyed more marriages than mine and his. Sadly, LINDSEY teaches our children both art and family values just outside SF. According to her H, her principal is one of her victims. So, no, I don’t think I will be hearing from LINDSEY, the maneater. Honestly, there are days when I feel really badly for my H – she treated him like dirt and he was a willing puppet. She had four secret phone numbers that she rotated through her affairs. They don’t even have to look good and she sure doesn’t, they just need to say the right things. EWWW! Does anyone really think I need to forgive her?

    • Karen November 11, 2010 at 1:55 pm #

      Stupidandtrusting: I know my situation is extraordinary, and I do feel like a bit of a lunatic for sharing it, but all I can attest is how I feel after the act of forgiveness. Let me make one thing clear: the forgiveness of my H and the OW is for ME – not THEM!!!! It’s about ME!!!! Sorry to be so emphatic.
      Do I owe them forgiveness? Absolutely not. And sorry, but while I agree women can be very manipulative, to me, that is no excuse for what our H’s did, not in the least. If it helps us forgive them, then so be it. Whatever works so we can move forward out of this terrible situation we’ve been put in. I’m just throwing my very little two cents in as to maybe, just maybe, forgiving the OP’s, with or without direct or indirect contact, is helpful to the betrayed spouse.
      For today at least, I am proof of that. Take care.

      • Karen November 11, 2010 at 2:01 pm #

        Forgot one thing: After the initial FB contact by the OW and my reply, I actually was mulling over forgiving the OW before she emailed me to ask forgiveness – don’t know why I felt inclined to do so. Her asking just confirmed my “mulling” decision, which is it would be good for ME to do it. So I did it.

      • Doug November 11, 2010 at 6:45 pm #

        Karen, though the affair was not about you, forgiveness certainly is!

  18. stupidandtrusting November 11, 2010 at 2:22 pm #

    Karen, trust me, he is not being offered excuses at all. He was stupid and foolish and selfish and he completely understands and owns that. I am definitely moving to forgiving him, but we have a very special circumstance with regard to what she did to contact my husband. She appeared at my elderly father-in-law’s home 30 years after a few dates with my husband and said that she would be in our area and wanted to meet US- she grilled him about us and me. She then checked me out on classmates, facebook, and through my work website. She did her homework and then contacted him with many tools. My father-in-law even had told her that H was going through a rough time, elaborating on issues with our disabled daughter and more. He feels so very terrible about “helping” her hurt us. No, she is special, I don’t have any need at all to forgive her and my H certainly feels very strongly about that as well. It just goes to show that each situation is different.

    • Doug November 11, 2010 at 6:44 pm #

      Wow, it seems she went out of her way to reconnect with him. She seems like a real piece of work. Almost like she hunted him down!

  19. Toni November 11, 2010 at 5:33 pm #

    My H told me that he wants to come back to our marriage but he’s going to need time to break it off with the OW. Is this a normal thing? He said he has such strong feelings for her that’ll it take time. I can’t start forgiving till she’s out of his life completely let alone try to start trusting him. He has texted her less talked to her less and also hasn’t seen her less. I don’t know if I should believe him and try to begin repairing or what? Suggestions?

    • Doug November 11, 2010 at 6:41 pm #

      Toni, Though breaking it off can indeed be a process, and is normal, it is better if he can just do it cold turkey. He will certainly feel some withdrawal symptoms regardless.

  20. stupidandtrusting November 11, 2010 at 8:14 pm #

    Doug, she definitely hunted him down. He was foolishly flattered by what seems to me like stalking. My father-in-law says that in retrospect, it was like she had a checklist she went through. I understand that forgiveness is for me, but I feel I can forgive my H and not worry about her – she is two states away and on to her next conquests.

  21. Kelly November 11, 2010 at 9:02 pm #

    Maybe forgiving the other women will be the last step in my recovery. I wish I could be benevolent enough to do so, but I am not there yet. I didn’t know any of them -there were SEVEN!- but when I discovered what was going on between them and my SO, I did call some of them and none of them apologized. They told me that if I knew how to take care of my man, he wouldn’t have strayed. They told me it was MY fault. I still don’t know what he got from them that he didn’t get from me. He isn’t able to tell me. I guess he needs more attention than most. I know that most of them knew about me, but because of what he told them, they thought I was less of a woman than I am, that our relationship was meaningless to him. He told them anything to get them to respond to him. I did meet one of them, before I knew about his affairs. He is a musician, and he invited her to watch him play. She was already at the venue when I arrived, he introduced me to her and even had me sit with her! I was friendly to her, and the whole time we sat together she had this s— eatin grin on her face. I’m sure it was exciting for him to have us both there at the same table and I’m sure it was exciting for her to feel like she could “take care of my man” when I couldn’t. Their affair escalated after that night.
    The first step I had to take was to forgive myself for feeling so stupid and naive and for feeling like I was the reason he cheated. I know I was better looking, sexier, smarter, and a hell of a lot classier than ANY of them. I know it was all about him, not me, not them, and I didn’t ask for or deserve any of what I got. And I know that I will NEVER tolerate it again in my life and I will move on without him if it does. I forgive him for making a terrible, selfish, immoral choice. I forgive him for hurting me. I know it was rooted in low self esteem and impulse and sheer stupidity. I’m not sure if I care enough to forgive them. I know I don’t hate them. Sometimes I feel sorry for them, they must have been really desperate to fall for his bullshit. Really. I’ve read their texts and seen their pictures. I try my best not to think about them at all. I just don’t have room for them in my life anymore.

    • Doug November 12, 2010 at 6:30 am #

      Kelly, What an excellent post! Thanks for sharing. I’m happy that you realize that the affair was not your fault and that these OW were fed a bunch of BS by your husband in order for him to feel validated. It must have been hard to sit at the same table with one of the OW!

  22. Anonymous November 11, 2010 at 9:41 pm #

    I never considered forgiving HER because I just don’t care about her. I am three months past D-day and I am progressing. It’s hard but I see myself changing. I can’t say I forgive my husband, I’m just approaching the part of acceptance.

    • Doug November 12, 2010 at 6:25 am #

      It may be a little too early in your recovery process to forgive your husband. Perhaps eventually you will get to that place where you can, and it will help you further.

    • Doug November 12, 2010 at 6:51 am #

      Anonymous, I feel the same way, to forgive her would mean I would have to think about her and I know for my recovery that is the last thing I need to do. I believe to forgive her would make her too powerful. The more I look at things I have realized she was nothing special, it was easy to get my husband to fall for her, it all centered on timing and the situation. Any one of us could get a married man to fall deeply in love with us, however when the newness and excitement wear off, is when the hard work begins. These women don’t have what it takes to maintain a lasting relationship, because they used lies and manipulation to win our husband’s hearts. I am on my high horse today! lol Linda

  23. Deflated November 12, 2010 at 12:29 pm #

    I never thought once to forgive the OW. When I discovered the EA I emailed the other OW to let her know that I discovered the correspondence between her and my husband and that both of them had devastated my world and shame on them. She responded and apologized profusely and asked for forgiveness. I asked her to not to contact me as she has done enough. She again responded and said she will respect (how funny she used that word–I don’t believe she truly understood the meaning of the word) my wishes and not contact me. She also stated that she knows my husband loves me, that he is a special man
    and that I shouldn’t let what happened between them destroy my world (Ha-now she’s concerned about how this will affect me?). I informed her politely (which was hard to do) to get a life and stay out of mine.

    I do not believe I needed to forgive her as I truly felt the blame fell on my husband who after all sought her out (she was an old girlfriend). I also realized that I contributed to the distance-disconnect that developed between us and allowed it to fester to the point that my husband broke our marriage vows. However, I do not take blame for the EA and I have stated that over and over again to my husband who understands that and knows it was his choice to enter into a selfish, make me feel good (yet dangerous and destructive) act.

    I have forgiven him and I did it for myself not him. As I stated in another post I do not think of her or of the EA any longer. It is old, dried and dead. I have moved on to a new beginning with my husband and rebuilding a stronger foundation and relationship with him.

    The OW was right about one thing. My husband is a special man and I’m just sorry that I didn’t realize it and it took a painful act to bring both of us back to where we should have been along…

    • Bonnie November 13, 2010 at 12:26 pm #

      Married 34 years, 21 months past D day, EA continued another 9 mo, now 1 yr since NC. (at least that’s what my instinct tells me, but they do work in the same building) OW is 20 yrs younger. Just a stupid, immature, nothing in common, selfish, manipulative, pitiful soul.

      I’ve learned that the affair is THEIR

      Forgiveness is tough although I know it is not for the other person but for me. I find comfort in “acceptance”. It allows me to let it go. The serenity prayer got me through the roughest times. I wish I had stumbled on your site earlier. I really helps to know that you are “normal”. Love is a drug…and love is blind. My husband was under her spell at the time. He has come out of the fog and looking back he says he was stupid and that he made a mistake. I think a “mistake” is more like an accident, you don’t do it over and over but that’s another issue. Stupid, yes. He didn’t wake up until I hit bottom & said it is over. Maybe I should have said so much earlier! Trust is another issue but from what I’ve learned is that the the types of affairs and the stages they go through are textbook.

      • Sandra November 29, 2010 at 8:14 am #

        It’s been 2 weeks since my husband informed me of his EA. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. He told me that it was over, then I found an email between them. I informed her husband that it was still going on. He then called my husband and threatened him. Now my husband has left the house. I know he blames me for this. And maybe I should not have contacted her husband. But I feel he deserves to know whats going on. My husband has to face what he has done, to both her and our family.

  24. Anonymous November 14, 2010 at 9:54 am #

    I wrote about your post on my blog:

    http://infidelityrage.blogspot.com/2010/11/forgiveness-for-cheating-husbands.html

    • Doug November 14, 2010 at 11:12 am #

      Thanks for the mention, Anonymous!

  25. Recovering February 6, 2014 at 9:35 am #

    I don’t believe there is any point in forgiving the OW – and I never will… never even considered it!!! I haven’t, and probably never will, even forgive my own husband! To me, forgiveness is for something that someone does unintentionally to hurt someone else. They made a CHOICE that they both knew would hurt someone – if not then they wouldn’t have lied about doing what they were doing. There is, at least for me, no room for forgiveness in cheating. I love my husband, and we are still together, and most days we are trying to salvage our relationship. There is no forgiveness, only him learning from the destruction that he thrust upon us. He doesn’t deserve forgiveness, nor do I feel a need to give him forgiveness. He made a choice to be a disgusting human, and I am proud of him for working to do better, but for me forgiveness is a gift to them that I don’t feel the desire or need to give. I live through it with acceptance that I no longer have the security in my life that I thought I had, and I try to deal with that ever day since I know I will never get that innocent delusion back. Forgiveness changes nothing for me… and why would I even consider forgiving a woman with children who would cheat on her own husband with mine, who we also have 2 children? Pity and disgust is what I have for the whore – nothing more… it isn’t worth more than that.

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  1. Tweets that mention Emotional Affair Recovery and Forgiveness | Emotional Affair Journey -- Topsy.com - November 11, 2010

    [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Infidelity Rage, Doug_Linda. Doug_Linda said: Emotional Affair Recovery and Forgiving Infidelity: Someone asked me yesterday if I have forgiven the ot… http://bit.ly/aJY88D [...]

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