Don’t Be A Doormat When Trying To Save Your Marriage

It has come time that we must leave you.  Just for a week or so that is.  Our daughters have a national dance competition down in Orlando, so we’re going to head down there for a few days then on to parts further south for some serious beach time.

While we are gone, we’re going to post some of our older posts that we feel are good, but seem to have become buried since they are more than a year old.  It’s interesting to look back at these older posts to see how things have changed over time compared to the present.

We’re taking our laptop with us so we will still be monitoring and replying to comments, etc., but we’re taking a bit of a break from writing new stuff until we get back.

Everyone please take care!

Don’t Be A Doormat When Trying To Save Your Marriage

don't be a doormat when trying to save your marriageWe received an email the other day that we wanted to share it with you along with a response from Linda.  Hopefully, you can get some value from it.  I know that we both did.  After we read this email from “Maria” it really struck a chord with us, and it had Linda visibly upset for a better part of the morning.

I tend to hide my emotions more but it struck a nerve with me as well. Maria’s obvious resentment of men and our “fragile” egos aside, she has some valid points. 

I did have it easy since I had the benefit of two women satisfying most of my emotional needs.   As a result, I got lazy and selfish. I also think a part of me felt that in some crazy way I deserved for Linda to “make up” for the time that she wasn’t responsive to my needs.  I know, not a good way to think is it? 

Linda and I had a long discussion regarding the various points that Maria brought up, and once again we talked about my emotional affair and I answered many questions that Linda still had. The great thing that resulted from all of this was that even though this email was not real pleasant, it caused both of us to look inward and then openly discuss our feelings in a calm manner with each other.  Even better, after we were through talking we both felt a little bit closer to each other, more in tune with each other’s needs and more aware of each other’s point of view.

Here’s the email…

“Why did you have to do all the work? He was the cheater and benefited by your efforts as if he were some prize and you were a doormat. Old Doug has it made in the shade; he has the diversion of an emotional affair and his wife changes herself to suit his male perspective of a satisfying relationship. No wonder you are having problems reconnecting.  He’s giving nothing so it’s no big deal to him. What were his mistakes in the relationship? You made it too easy for him; therefore, he is likely to do the same thing again if you pull away. It will not take long for your resentment to build.

Linda, this arrangement will work for a while but not for long. You are taking all the responsibility for tending to the relationship. You are bound to become resentful in time. He cheats and you get to work even harder. It’s better to make him work to please you in the way you need now. Don’t be fearful that he will leave if you insist and he can’t meet your needs then he is not interested in a relationship with you just all the benefits of a wife. Is he reading books how relationships work for women? Does he acknowledge that he is as much at fault for the problems as you are? Is he working to satisfy you emotionally the way that you as a woman need. Is he helping you around the house willingly without resentment and forgetfulness? Is he reading books and working to satisfy you sexually? If he is still doing the things that made the marriage difficult for you before the affair then your marriage is essentially over.

Men benefit more than women in modern marriages. Women are expressing more dissatisfaction in marital relationships than ever before. These are the stats – the rate of cheating among married women is rapidly reaching the same level as men. Moreover, 70% of divorces are initiated by women. The studies showing these trends are not widely reported. Why? The fragile male ego. However, you can easily read the papers in reputable peer review journals. So you are not alone in your dissatisfaction and the solution may be to leave him to make the same mistake in his next relationship.”

Linda’s response…

In your email you made very valid points.  The comments that you made were thoughts that I have been struggling with for quite a while.  I believe that is the main reason why I am having such a difficult time completely letting go of the resentment and moving on from his emotional affair.

In many ways I feel that I did take full responsibility initially for trying to save our marriage, and that for many months Doug didn’t make much of an effort to meet my needs and was just along for the ride. I questioned if he really did care for me then why did he continue to allow me to suffer so much? Why did it take so long for him to get feelings back for me when I was doing everything I could to meet his needs?  Why was he still here?

I believe anyone who has experienced an affair always has those questions in the back of their mind.  However if a person believes in marriage, has a history and a family with this person they should somewhat dismiss those questions and give the spouse a second chance to make things right.  I couldn’t walk away from my marriage without knowing that I didn’t do everything that I could to save it.

I regret some of the decisions and actions I made initially when trying to save my marriage.  I regret being a “doormat” as you said.  I regret not making Doug accountable for his actions and taking steps to make our marriage better. I regret not having the confidence to tell him that if you want our marriage to work then we will come up with a plan together.  If not, then don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

I have said in many posts that when first faced with the effects of an affair, you are acting out of fear and raw emotion. You are alone and there is no blueprint to follow.  That is why I did so much reading and research on the subject.  I did what I thought was right at the time and have learned a lot about myself through this process.

I have learned to have the confidence to stand up for myself and what I believe, and to be completely honest with Doug about how I am feeling.  In return, he has learned to be receptive and supportive of my thoughts, feelings and needs.  We both are working to build trust and trusting that when we communicate our feelings to each other we do not become defensive and are receptive to each other.

Not too long ago, I stepped back and allowed Doug to take the lead.  Throughout our marriage I have always been the fixer and doer.  That is just who I am.  But I believe that Doug needed to take some responsibility. He really needed to learn what I need and follow through on it. As a result, Doug has really stepped up.

I believe that it took him a long time to see everything clearly, but he has realized what he has done in the past and how it contributed to the deterioration of our marriage. He has genuinely apologized and is truly remorseful.  We communicate effectively daily on our needs and how our relationship is going.  I truly believe we are heading in the right direction.

This blog has been an effective tool as well, as we talk about it daily and our feelings about the various posts, comments and emails that we receive from all of our readers.  Our feelings and our marriage is constantly in the forefront of our daily lives. And for what it’s worth, we’re “reconnecting” just fine.

In conclusion, your thoughts are valid.  I believe anyone who is the victim of an emotional affair should ask themselves the questions you addressed in your email.  I don’t encourage anyone to be a “doormat”. However, so many marriage books, therapists etc. believe that it only takes the effort of one spouse to turn a marriage around and that one person can make small changes that would encourage the other to reciprocate. In our situation this turned out to be a successful strategy.

But through my own experience, I also learned that I should have communicated what I expected from Doug much sooner in the process, and if he was not able to do those things I should have backed off and began planning my life without him.

 

 

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14 Responses to Don’t Be A Doormat When Trying To Save Your Marriage

  1. Jennifer February 26, 2010 at 11:43 am #

    Thank you so much for posting this. I am in tears. I have been told most of my life by one person or another that I am a “doormat”. There are some deep-seated issues in my marriage right now. Things that have been going on for a year and a half now. I’ve decided to “focus on me” and to do what I can to make him feel wanted and happy with me. But like Maria, I feel that he is getting all the benefit for none of the work and I feel resentful. I feel like I am simply waiting on a miracle… for him to have an epiphany about our relationship.

    I am afraid to talk to him about our issues because I think he will get more upset and walk out the door. We spend time together and have happy, fun moments and it is easier for me, short-term, to hang on to those moments and enjoy them, rather than deal with the bigger issues and risk everything blowing up in my face.

    You’ve given me a lot to think about.

    • admin February 27, 2010 at 11:09 am #

      Jennifer, One of the things that we have found to be harmful to our relationship in the past was that both of us tended to avoid confrontation. It is imperative that you discuss your issues with your husband. You need to figure out a way to get your feelings–and his–out in the open.

  2. roller coaster rider June 30, 2011 at 10:55 am #

    Linda and Doug, have a wonderful time with your daughters and each other! We will all be thinking about you. I agree with Jenn, this post has much food for thought (as always) but it’s really true that real love isn’t about being afraid. It’s about being open and that goes both ways. Today I am grateful for the opportunity to have a relationship that doesn’t include stuffing feelings or hiding or pretending. Before my H’s affair this was certainly not the case. And he now, like Doug, is going to have to do a lot more work to repair and rebuild. I am trying to sit still in the process. Not easy.

  3. Lesli Doares June 30, 2011 at 12:38 pm #

    As Linda and Doug so eloquently and bravely point out, most affairs are symptoms of underlying problems in a relationship that the couple have not successfully addressed. (That in no way means an affair is an appropriate solution!) Working to improve a relationship should not require either party to be a “doormat”. Understanding what your emotional needs are and requiring, not demanding, they be met is what keeps relationships healthy and successful. If both partners don’t do that, either because they don’t understand what their partner is asking or don’t recognize it’s importance, the relationship is vulnerable to those needs being met outside the relationship. Keeping the marriage healthy is both partners’ responsibility. You can only be a doormat if you take care of your partner but don’t require the same in return. It takes good communications skills and a real understanding of yourselves to pull this off. There are many places to learn these-marriage education, therapy, etc. Problem is most people wait until severe damage is done. Maintaining a good relationship is easier than trying to repair a broken one.

  4. Lynne June 30, 2011 at 3:24 pm #

    Hmmm, the question for me is, “was I a doormat leading up to the discovery of my boyfriends involvement with the OW?”. I’d like to tell a bit of my story and ask for feedback from the rest of you. It’s funny how you start to wonder if you are the one with the “crazies”–or at least it seems that is where your man ends up trying to take you! In other words, I have come to question whether I might just be reading too much into his interactions with the OW, or is this just what he’s working hard to get me to believe?

    We’ve now been together for seven years and here’s my story…….

    –when we’d been dating for 3 months, he went to her house one night and did not tell me about it (he had told me previously that he was sexually attracted to her, and that men are wired to want to sleep with an attractive woman they haven’t been with before). When I discovered this, he said that he knew things were not going well between us and didn’t think it would help to tell me. I broke up with him, as I saw it as a big, red flag.

    –After two months went by, he asked me to start seeing him again. Three weeks after we got back together, I went out of town for the weekend. He spend the day with the OW (BTW, she is single) shopping and then over to his house for a BBQ and wine. He was open about this, but I told him I was uncomfortable with it, particularly that they were alone in his home together, and given that he previously mentioned a sexually attraction toward her. He seemed surprised that I would have this concern.

    –We continued to date and he would continue to see her on occassion (he was open with me about this), going to her house for dinner etc. He kept saying that he wasn’t sure he wanted to be friends with her anymore, but was still spending time with her. My only comment was, if you don’t feel that you want to be friends, then discontinue the friendship. He did not!

    –Over the next many months, he would drop comments about his sense that she was attracted to him, based on her asking about me, our relationship etc. He professed that he was no longer attracted to her (hmmm, what else could he possibly say!)

    –I asked a couple of different times to meet her, since she was a friend and I’d met all his other friends. He said that would be awkward and that she really wasn’t an important friend. Right!

    –Once, when I was with him, she called him on his cell and he looked at his phone, but did not answer it. I asked who it was and he said it was one of his employees. I looked at his phone that night and it had been a call from the OW. I did not say anything at the time as I felt guilty about having looked at his phone. Over the next several months, I would occassionally look at his phone and see calls from her, even though we were now living together, he never mentioned their calls or conversations.

    –One day she called on a Sunday and asked him to get together that day, but he said he had to go into the office and wasn’t available (I overheard this conversation). He was NOT going into the office, but was actually spending the day with me. He also asked her to go to lunch with him sometime soon.

    –The finale came when he slipped in a conversation with me and said that he hadn’t seen her in about a year (despite the fact that I had previously shared my concerns over the secrecy of their friendship, and had asked him six months prior to this whether they ever see each other–he had said they do not, but that she would call him every once in awhile to say hello). It turns out that they had met for lunch (there are most probably other times they me, yet he is not admitting to any other time but this one lunch!). He claims he didn’t tell me about going to lunch with her because he was trying to protect me, in case I’d have been upset about it. I told him that it was more likely he was protecting himself!

    –Six months after the discovery above, he sent her a text saying that he “couldn’t be friends anymore, and it felt uncomfortable to him, as he is in a committed relationship”. I found the words he chose to be interesting since he’s been doing these things for several years while in a committed relationship. I tend to believe that he was only doing this now because it was out in the open with me….that in a way it took away the excitement of the secrecy and such.

    We did go to counseling for two visits (we really disliked the counselor), which he feels was enough, and that we have sufficiently worked through it. I have tried to dig deeper with him as to why he thinks this happened, but he no longer wants to discuss it, and wants to know why I can’t move past it. He says it didn’t mean anything to him, he’s not attracted to her, and that there was no payoff for him in it (I had asked him what he was getting out of it, as people don’t go to lunch and do these other things if there is no payoff).

    When I have tried to discuss these events with him (and I do it very calmly and carefully, knowing that anger and frustration will accomplish nothing!), he deflects, talks about how the OW has all male friends, that he doesn’t even like her that much, describes what she looks like in a negative way (btw, I’ve seen photos of her and she IS attractive), that he never called her, but that she was the one calling him. We never get below the surface to really discuss why he needed this, what was he getting out of it, how do we prevent sliding boudaries in the future etc. My feeling is that if we don’t gain perspective about these things, we are likely to see it repeated.

    I would add that I have not been asking specific questions about their phone calls, meetings, what they talked about, where the went, and the like. I don’t see how it would benefit me to know this, nor does it change the reality of what happened–it is done and cannot be reversed! Also, it hasn’t rocked my self esteem or made me feel lesser than. This need he has is not about me, it is about HIM! I don’t say this as if I couldn’t be a better partner, but outside of this issue with the OW, we have a very loving, attentive, caring relationship. I have adored and respected him and have always let him know that.

    I apologize for the long email, but I would appreciate feedback as to whether others of you see this as an EA, or just what other impressions do you have???

    He has now asked me to marry him and I am very concerned about where I might be headed with him. I am asking myself deep questions about whether to stay here, or to run for the hills. Were he open to having more vulnerable discussions about all of this, it would be a much easier decision, but given his inability to open up to me and be really honest about the “why”, I fear that I’m setting myself up for years of madness!

    PS His ex-wife of many years ago had an EA and a PA while they were married. He has described to me the devastation he felt. I mistakenly thought that he would be able to relate to my pain and concern about our situation, but given that he maintains that absolutely nothing happened with this OW, he doesn’t see the connection. UGH!

    • roller coaster rider June 30, 2011 at 4:59 pm #

      Lynne, I think you are right to have serious concerns about your fiance’. The secrecy and reluctance to talk about it really are red flags.

      Paula, isn’t it weird how the shutting you out was your main sign of something wrong? My H has always tended to shut me out emotionally. Even so, I knew something was wrong and in my gut I was very scared. He is not doing that now (shutting me out) even though he still has such a hard time talking about emotions. We have an excellent relationship in many ways, but in some core areas we are starting from scratch.

      • Paula June 30, 2011 at 10:03 pm #

        RCR and Lynne,

        Thanks RCR, I know, I just feel so stupid now that I didn’t work out what he did to “make himself feel better” – I should have known but just trusted him and believed every single lie, no matter the evidence I thought I had, which just makes me second guess myself now and doubt my gut feelings, becuase all of that doubt at the time made me feel, sort of dirty, because why wouldn’t I trust this good, honest man, he’d never done anything wrong, he was lovely, never mind, can’t be undone.

        Lynne, I am also concerned for you, I think you know in your gut what to do, it’s very hard, and we don’t know all the info, but you need to ask yourself the question I have asked,”is staying in this relationship doing me more harm than good?” I have wondered if I am “addicted” to my man, as many of the CS become “addicted” to their little thrill. For my part, I know that if this had happened to me in the first 10-15 years we were together, I wouldn’t be trying to save this relationship, I’ve thought about that very long and hard over the past 2 years. I wish you well, you sound like a lovely, sensible, intelligent and loving person, look after yourself.

        • Lynne July 1, 2011 at 11:35 am #

          Thanks for the feedback Paula! In this instance, and as I’ve said to him, “people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing”. If these interactions were truly so innocent, there would have been no reason to keep them a secret from me. I have passed through all of the stages of this, as most of you have, and I am now at “anger”. Because he deflects during these conversation, and because he can’t take the risk in opening up to me, he goes on with his merry life and I am “trapped” in what this is really all about.

          There is also a lot of “I don’t remember” from him, as well as “I never said that”, “that’s not something I would ever have said to you”, “you (being me) have to admit that you don’t really remember exactly what I said”. While none of us can remember everything we’ve said over a protracted period of time, he obviously doesn’t remember things that involve lying to me, or that he says during stressful conversations (or does he and this is really a way to manipulate me?). Why do I remember them? Because they are double speak and inconsistent stories that change with each conversation.

          –he has told me that if I had an affair, I could stay in the lower half of our house for a couple of months, while I got situated in a new home (now says he never said that)

          –told me that he was so happy for a male adulterer (my best friend’s husband, who left her two weeks before for another woman) that he had found someone he was in love with and could spend his life with. (now says he never said that)

          –two minutes after lying to me and saying he had never met the OW for lunch or drinks EVER, he told me he was concerned that I was still worried that something might be going on between them, and that counseling might be a good idea for me (now says he never said that).

          Believe me, the list of these goes on and on! If I were him, I don’t think I’d want to remember ludicrous things that I’d said either! I now see him as someone who is not authentic, who is manipulative and dishonest. When I make the pros and cons list (and I have!) of staying, the descriptors above don’t look so good.

          He continues to remind me that he is someone who is direct and honest and speaks out–I’d say that shoe doesn’t really fit in these last 7 seven years of this ridiculousness! I feel insulted that he actually believes me to be so naive that I would believe most of this B.S.

          • AnonMom May 16, 2016 at 6:31 pm #

            Everything you wrote has struck a chord with me. I realize this article is years old, but I had to share!

            My husband uses the exact same phrases! They seem very manipulative to me. His strategy is to make me feel bad and crazy, knowing I am isolated from my family & friends and only surrounded by his.

            We’ve been reading about White Knight Syndrome and he seems to fit the bill with how he asserts control over me. He seems to finally want to try, but it seems like yet another manipulation to keep me here longer. And I still feel like I’m doing all the work.

            It’s weird because I’ve never let anyone treat me this way before, but we’re married with kids. It truly is like an addiction at this point. And a fear of leaving to start all over, 10 years older and with kids. 🙁

            When do you stop listening to those sweet/false promises and quit trying to keep this frail hope alive?

  5. Paula June 30, 2011 at 4:02 pm #

    Have some fun, Linda and Doug, I certainly hope you can have some down time from all of us here!

    Maria’s email is to the point, and we’ve all felt that way, I’m sure, but Linda’s reply hit the nail on the head, whatever the means, get to the point you need to get to with whatever information and skills we have available at the time. Maria sounds bitter, we’ve all swallowed that pill in varying doses at some point in this most challenging of journeys.

    Be strong Jennifer, I also vehemently believe that you must talk, and you know what, if that means he’ll walk out the door, then so be it, you WILL be okay, and maybe that is the release you are looking for, but don’t know it until it happens, and you have given yourself time to rebuild, I feel very hopeful that won’t be the outcome, if he loves you, he will talk. I’ve thought about that a lot, asked my other half to leave twice, first lasted five months, and then three months more recently. The last time, I was sure it was over, I needed to breathe and take stock without the pressure of trying to be happy and make it work when he was looking to me, desperately hoping I would heal faster! Remember separation is not failure if you feel like you’ve tried everything to have an open, honest and loving relationship.

    Just one point, Lesli, I agree with your post about working together. I my case we had a wonderful relationship, the envy of many, we were close, honest, loving, hard working, laughed a lot, great sex, etc, etc, and I thought I had it all. Unfortunately we hit a huge bump, and my man just stopped talking to me about his problems, even though I coaxed and cajoled, “knowing” there was something gone awry, but feeling completely helpless to either identify it, or help him because he shut me out. Yes, maintaining a good relationship was easy, repairing the damage he caused is a lot harder, note I say he caused, because although I acknowledge I did things wrong, it was because I didn’t have all the information to do the right things, because I was trying to work out the problem (which we didn’t have, according to his answers to my questions to him at the time) by guessing!

  6. NewToThis August 20, 2011 at 7:46 pm #

    Well, Im writing this to vent and heal.Hopefully it helps someone else. My husband of 4 years is has been having a 6 month EA with OW who lives 5 minutes from our house. He said they were only friends and that he was just playing tennis with her.When I asked him to stop talking to her on the phone after noticing the texts were beginning to drift away from times to ‘meet up at the tennis court’ to ‘talking about their days’ he agreed and said no problem. A couple of months later intuition struck and I noticed a lot of blocked incoming calls on his phone that have never been there. I let it go. Two weeks ago, intuition struck again and I overheard her message saying ‘She Misses Him Too”. He denied it was the same women and told me it was a random women he met. He said that he loved me and wanted to work on us. He said that he was just talking to her over the phone and sometimes face to face but never anything physical. Well I didn’t believe all of his story. I felt it was the same woman.After snooping that same day, I had the proof (Cell Bill) that it was her and confronted him. He told me everything or some of it at least. He said that he stopped talking to her when I asked but started again a month or so later and now he has feelings for her. That she is is soulmate and that he is in love with her. How can you love someone to the point of soulmate if you only know them thru phone and brief face to face.I could still maybe believe that its a possibility if he had not also told me that he is not physically attracted to her, that she has personality qualities that he hates like aggression and excessive fussing, children from a previous marriage.He even said that he knows that he created this fantasy but he has to see it through. He said he wanted to live separate and move out.Unfortunately, I made the mistakes listed above before I had a chance to find this website. I pleaded for him to make it work, tried to convince him of this craziness etc, Became his doormat and gave him control of me and my feelings. He said that he loved me and that he wanted us to work, that our relationship wasn’t a bad one, that he would cease all communication with her etc. And I believed him.My pleading and being his doormat didn’t help at all. I’ll explain further down.But we had some great days to follow that we had not had in a while. We connected. This week, By chance,not intentionally, I actually spoke to the OW. She said she was sorry after I calmly vented my frustrations. That my husband had not stopped talking to her etc. That she would end all communication. The following next day she did tell him that she didn’t want anything to do with him and to stop calling her. That same day my husband is grieving so bad that he packed some things to leave the next day. It is during this time that I had an empowerment, epiphany, etc. I will not tolerate this anymore. I will not do this to myself. I told him as soon as he walked out we we thru and that when his fantasy devolves and crashes on his head that I will never take him back again. I was able to gain some of my control that he had and it felt WONDERFUL! Immediately he began bargaining with me saying that he would never have sex with her if I would agree to take a 1-2 month separation so that he can continue his EA. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS BS? I told him no, for him to leave and never come back. He left. I AM IN NO WAY SUPPORTING DIVORCE OR GIVING UP. Im just stating my decision. I do love this man but somewhere I forgot about me wants and desires, my life I had before it became “us”, and my love of life. I never knew how extreme and addictive EA’s can be as well as damaging to the spouses and relationship. And looking at these posts I am truly saddened by all the destruction left after these EA’s and PA’s. All the women and men who didn’t deserve this including me. I hope you find happiness in what ever decision you make and in yourself. I started my long journey of preservation and happiness yesterday.So far today I played an hour of tennis,had a bowl of tomato soup (Didn’t eat in last 5 days), watched some DVD rentals, talked to family members I hadn’t talked to in a while and laughed. Really seriously laugh. Im not naive. I know that this is a difficult path, but at least now I made the decision on which path to take. At times when I find myself missing him, thinking of him, about our happing times, my future without him, I immediately tell myself out loud “I Will Not Do This To Myself” and find something to do to occupy my mind. It really does help. Well sorry for the lengthy post. May you eventually find comfort and peace.

  7. Confused September 19, 2011 at 2:46 pm #

    My story starts when I saw a text message ‘come in at midnight while we were on a family vacation stating “Thinking of U, 7 days…” from a co-worker. When confronted, he was surprised she would send a text like that. He told me that he had been talking to her more at work and she is really cool, likes sports and watches ESPN. Upon investigating, I found he had started texting her about a month prior and gradually led up to texting and calling everyday two weeks prior while he was on a business trip. Since then, it has been a roller coaster ride. He said he needs time to think and re-evaluate everything in our relationship. He is not saying he won’t work on it eventually or wants a divorce, but he is not sure he is “in love” with me or sees himself with me the rest of his life. We have two little girls and I don’t know how he couldn’t want to work on our marriage. At least try for the sake of the girls. Then yesterday he said if we split up, he wants to clear up our debt so that me and the girls are not in a financial hardship. I asked if he was planning on leaving and he said he is always planning for the future. I then asked if we had no debt would he leave and he said not today. He then became friendly and kissed me goodnight and said he loves me. He has times of being confused and mean and then he is friendly and normal. I am not sure what direction to go in, but I do know that I love him and I want to make my marriage work. He is well aware of this, but has not committed to making changes on his end.

    • Doug September 19, 2011 at 3:01 pm #

      Confused, I believe your husband is in fog and fantasy land at the moment. There is a bunch of information on here about these topics. I would suggest doing a search in the upper right hand part of the site for “fog” or “affair fog” and “fantasy.” — if you haven’t already.

  8. NewToThis September 20, 2011 at 11:06 pm #

    My husband came back almost 4 weeks ago. He previously left for 3 or 4 days and was staying with his brother. The OW didn’t want anything to do with him while he was gone so he decided to come back home. He said that he came home because he needed to make a decision b/c he was hurting everyone.And that the affair was becoming stressful and overwhelming…IN OTHER WORDS…”The Grass Is Not Greener On The Other Side”. The OW began cursing him out and talking to him crazy. She told him he was a coward and downplayed his manhood something terrible. Between her crying (Karma-She knew he was married), cursing at him, and arguing, he finally saw the reality of this situation. The fantasy splintered and air fog lightened.The 1st week he was back was awful. We fought half of the time and the other half he slept or remained in bed. You swear he lost his best friend. The 2nd week was better. He was more affectionate.We began doing things together. Movie Night, Tennis, Chores, Etc. I briefly saw the man that I love. 3rd week was great. We are laughing more and he is more affectionate. Sex is great. Its more passionate.This is the 4th week and its still getting better. I REALLY am surprised. We have been having sex almost every other day for the last 3 weeks. *SORRY* And I can honestly say that he is giving his all to make this work. He answers all my questions, has been transparent and more, he has been patient and understanding regarding rebuilding trust with him. BUT here is the dilemma. My feelings for him has changed. And Im not sure if I want to remain in this marriage.I love him but not the same love pre-affair. The closer and more intimate he gets with me and the more he declares his love for me…the more I withdraw from him emotionally. I feel like Im riding this ride with him mentally but my heart is somewhere else or craves to be elsewhere. I’ve also taken my “marital blinders” off and began noticing other men and men are definitely noticing me. Its really crazy. I feel that Im nice, pretty, in decent shape, etc. I’ve never had difficulty dating. BUT I’ve had more men hit on me in 4 weeks than during my 4 year marriage. And nothing has changed about me. Im not sure what to make of that or my feelings regarding my husband….ANY ADVICE??…And thanks to all the BS for their support and stay strong. Thanks to Linda and Doug for giving so much of yourself by helping others through this site!!! Hoping for happiness and peace for everyone..Including myself..

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