Discussion – What is Your Wish for the Holidays?

christmas depressedFor our discussion this week, let’s delve into your affair recovery wishlist during the holiday season.

The holidays are here and Christmas is just a week away and we’re sure that many of you are thinking not only about shopping and gift giving but about the affair triggers, rebuilding trust, recovery and healing from the affair as well.

This time of year can certainly provide you with a challenging roller coaster ride of emotions that run from one extreme to the other.  You may experience many emotions that you don’t normally experience.  Depression can be a real concern.

Most everyone has a holiday gift wish list that may include clothing, toys, gadgets, electronics, etc., but…

What is your wish list as it relates to affair recovery?

What is the best gift that your spouse can ‘give’ you?  – Perhaps…To end the affair.  True remorse.  To talk about things more.   A safe environment for trust to build. Transparency.

What gift for healing can you ‘give’ yourself?  – Forgiveness. Self-esteem.  Inner strength.  Physical strength.  Control over the painful thoughts. Therapy.

In a nutshell, what are the top things that you can think of that will help you in your own journey towards healing from an affair – especially during the holidays?

Please respond to each other in the comments section.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

LINESPACE

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22 Responses to Discussion – What is Your Wish for the Holidays?

  1. Doug December 18, 2013 at 10:04 am #

    I wish everything leading up to Christmas wasn’t so darn hectic. Instead of slowing down and spending time with each other and with other family members, we’re running around like crazy people shopping, cooking, baking, partying, decorating, etc.

    I know that when all is said and done, these activities are rewarding but they’re exhausting! With all that Linda does for the holidays, I think she’s about ready to collapse.

    • tryinghard December 19, 2013 at 3:01 pm #

      Agree. I used to do so much more than I do now. It just isn’t important now and I really question if it was ever truly important enough to merit the exhaustion that ensued. Now I put up 1 tree (6′ tall) , 1 live wreath at the front door, and very little else. My home used to look like Christmas had puked on it :) Now it’s simple and understatedly festive.

      We had 1 party and I bought everything already prepared. I cooked nothing! It was fun.

      My H has really stepped up and helped me with everything and I am so appreciative. I wish to enjoy the season, my friends and family. No fights, no triggers :)

      • Doug December 20, 2013 at 7:41 am #

        Glad to hear that your holiday adjustment is working for you. The next several days for us is going to be nuts and I don’t know if we’re really looking forward to it or not, since we’ll be so exhausted.

        • tryinghard December 20, 2013 at 9:55 am #

          LOL Doug and Linda!! I hear you. I hope you enjoy the busy time too. Merry Christmas to all of you :)

  2. Healingperson December 18, 2013 at 4:19 pm #

    My wish is quality time with the boys and the H. No schedules, no deaths in the family or among friends, no affair triggers, no family drama! Just QUIET!

    I wish piece of mind to all of you here wherever you are in your recovery journey! And thank you for coming forward to support one-another.

    Best regards,
    HP

    • Doug December 19, 2013 at 8:45 am #

      Thanks for sharing HP! I hope your wishes come true.

  3. Saw the Light (formerly Roller Coaster Rider) December 19, 2013 at 9:59 pm #

    I’m slogging through the holidays trying to focus on what matters. It’s pretty hard not to just cave and throw a pity party. But ultimately I know what is important and I will be grateful for what I have. Given the year this has been, I’m doing extremely well. But I am hoping for more peace, love and true joy in the coming twelve months. I also hope to be able to provide support to other women who have had this pain in their lives. I wish each and every one of you a great Christmas with true blessings, tangible and intangible.

    • Doug December 20, 2013 at 7:34 am #

      STL, You continue to have a certain clarity about you that indicates to me that you will be just fine and will thrive. That’s awesome that you want to someday provide support for others who have gone through this. I think you would do a wonderful job at that! Happy holidays!

      • Saw the Light December 20, 2013 at 5:49 pm #

        Doug, there has to be some good coming out of what often otherwise seems like a big waste. The holidays are hard. I know that isn’t unique to betrayed spouses, but my own memory is an adversary this year.

  4. Strengthrequired December 19, 2013 at 10:19 pm #

    I wish for all the efforts that my husband and I have put in to get our lives back on track, with family, finances, business, all the sacrifices made so this can happen, starts proving itself in every way, so that my husband can start being home with us every night, so he can no longer miss seeing his children, and start being truly happy again. I wish to see the sparkle in his eye of complete and utter happiness and contentment. I wish to be able to look at my husband and stare into his eyes and say, we saw the end, we didn’t like it, we saw a new beginning and we took it and held on with both hands, look how far we have come, we made it… We saved out marriage, we saved our family, we saved our homes, we saved our business and we grew in the process. We made it.
    I also wish for a happy ending for all of you here, that have found their way here, either through a dreadful mistake, or through being hurt, I wish you all happiness and that unconditional love that is held onto with great respect by your loved ones.

    Merry Christmas everyone….. Happy new year too, may the new year be a wonderful year for all of us.

    • Doug December 20, 2013 at 7:29 am #

      Great stuff SR. I think that you too should be proud of yourself as you have come a long way in the past several months. I know that your wishes will eventually come true.

  5. Sadsomuch December 19, 2013 at 10:32 pm #

    Since the H is gone right now I ask each of my daughters what was important to them about Christmas. For one it was decorating the house so we put up 1 big tree and 4 small ones and decked the whole house out. For another daughter, it was family time so last week I hosted a girls cookie exchange for all the women in the family. It was so much fun. The last daughter said “cookies Mom, lots and lots of cookies” so I have baked and baked and coated and dipped till my kitchen looks like a cookie shop. We let the other stuff go, the things that we always did but just didn’t seem important this year. They ask me if I think H is coming home and my answer is always the same “I really don’t know but we will be ok either way”. He has been gone 3 weeks and I really do know we will be ok with or without him. Funny how until he was gone I never saw how his unhappiness sucked the life out of our home. Merry Christmas to all!!!!!

    • Doug December 20, 2013 at 7:28 am #

      For what it’s worth, I think you’re handling things wonderfully. You’re focusing on you and your kids and not letting the situation control you. I hope that somehow your husband can notice this and realize what he has done and what he will lose and then get his head out of his ass.

    • tryinghard December 20, 2013 at 9:54 am #

      SSM
      I admire you so much. Cyber hugs to you and your girls and my best wishes to you and the girls for a Happy New Year. You have a great attitude and it is inspiring!

  6. Strengthrequired December 20, 2013 at 1:11 am #

    I’m so proud of you SSM, you have truly made some progress. It is definitely a leap ahead when you finally see that with or without your cs, that you will be ok. Even peering through all the hurt, all the sadness and anger of just how stupid our cs is, to truly know that you will be ok, is an awesome feeling.
    Your finding yourself now, you are finding that you are strong and you can see that you can have fun and be happy, by having a wonderful time with your daughters. You are showing your daughters what a role model looks like unlike your h. Your daughters are so very lucky to have you.
    You know something, I am sure your h is going to miss you over Christmas, and so he should, at times like these, it hits home more. I hope he regrets leaving you and your daughters, it’s about time he starts waking up to himself.
    Take care,and keep smiling….

  7. HopeInHarmony December 20, 2013 at 11:04 am #

    Thanks, Saw the Light, for such an encouraging post. I get everything you said completely. Considering the last year, I’m doing extremely well, too. I celebrate this with you! I’m also hoping, like you, that in the future I can offer genuine support and empathy to other women who have been through these kinds of situations. My H and I have been separated and he is currently pursuing divorce. After several months, I’ve recently given up the fight for both of us. As much as I was hoping for reconciliation, he has made no efforts and shows no intention of wanting a future with me or to work on things. We don’t have children (fortunately, although I hope to be a mother someday), and the house has been SO quiet. I’ve found great strength and help through my faith and in spending time with friends, their families, and children – holding babies and pets has been especially therapeutic! In the midst of so much pain in dealing with this loss, there have also been the most beautiful, uplifting moments of hope and joy, most often through the kindness of friends, moments in prayer, counseling, noticing nature’s beauty, or through music. A friend who is the mom of several kids recently said that her motto daily is, “Just do today.” We can’t change the past and it does no good to worry about the future, but we do have the ability to stay in the present and just do our best today. About the holidays, on Thanksgiving I spent the day with friends and their families, and it was a wonderful celebration, with so many more moments of joy than sorrow. For Christmas, I will be with another family and plan to have the same attitude, to simply enjoy those around you, share what you have, appreciate the present, and be thankful that we are alive today. We can’t be afraid to lean on those around us who have offered to be there; even if it’s just one special person, reach out to them. Let others hug, help, encourage, and love on you. It’s truly amazing what happens when we start fully realizing the essence of true community, that we really do need each other in this life. Instead of pretending everything is okay, it is so much more refreshing and freeing to be honest about our struggles and let another soul share the journey with you. When we can hold each other in the hard times and then celebrate together in the victories, all of a sudden we begin to realize how beautiful and wonderful this life can truly be, and that these trials can be used as incredible catalysts for personal growth and positive change. Wishing you all as warm and special of a holiday season as possible this year. May you be surrounded with friends and family who love you for who you are. Peace.

    • Sadsomuch December 20, 2013 at 11:31 am #

      Bravo Hope!!!!!! Surrounded by family and friends who love you for who you are!! You have said it all perfectly. I wish you the very best in all that life has to offer!!

  8. Saw the Light December 20, 2013 at 5:43 pm #

    Oh Hope, what a beautiful post from what is obviously a beautiful woman. I am so happy that you are able to receive and give love and know that this abandonment doesn’t mean your life is over. I also know that there are probably moments when you feel devastated. I am battling the never-ending question of why I couldn’t be enough- even though I KNOW logically that after nearly forty years of commitment, it wasn’t about me. Knowing my H is going away for Christmas with his girlfriend was painful…and then I end up feeling stupid because, why wouldn’t he? He couldn’t stop seeing her even when we had remarried and were living together again. Our divorce should be final by mid-January. I need to let go emotionally. I’m very proud of you and know you will do so well, going forward. And I, too, am grateful I don’t have small children, and that I DO have four amazing, married adult children and 3 sweet grandchildren, with one more on the way. By the way, if you haven’t heard of it, DivorceCare is a nationwide program that helped me a lot. You can check their website to see if one is offered near where you live. All the emotions and challenges inherent in separation and divorce are universal. We aren’t alone.

  9. Strengthrequired December 20, 2013 at 8:21 pm #

    STL, you are amazing. Honestly your soon to be exh, is an absolute ass. After 40 years being married to a wonderful woman, someone that has out up with his crap day in day out and still loved him unconditionally, and to raise wonderful children, and yet to throw away all those years, for some ow that won’t be near as dedicated and committed to him. Just a complete and utter fool. One thing you need to remember is it wasn’t you, it was only about him and his selfish needs. While you go on and enjoy your life, he will probably be in misery, wondering what the hell he has done letting you go.
    Sorry Hun, for calling him an ass,etc, but it makes me mad that he is so stupid…

    • Saw the Light December 20, 2013 at 11:41 pm #

      no, it’s true SR, he is an ass. Most people who know him don’t think so, but as time goes by it becomes apparent. Thanks for your kind comments. I have raged at his stupidity. Didn’t/doesn’t help much, in part because I feel like I’ve enabled him.

      • Strengthrequired December 21, 2013 at 12:16 am #

        No stl, you didn’t enable him, you raised his kids, you did his laundry, looked after the house etc, he took advantage of you. That isn’t enabling him, that is just what we do, we are supposed to be a team and look after each other, but when one goes off the rails and keeps it from us, it’s no way your fault. Phew wanted to feel young again no doubt, wanted to feel alive again, well don’t we all, but it doesn’t mean we go out and betray our spouse just to make us feel that way. Gee,I would love to feel that love feelings again, that feeling of someone sweeping me off my feet again, but I’m not going out to find it outside of my marriage, I want to find it within my marriage, but I’m also not stupid, that love feeling is always there, it just isn’t so much of a high like it is when you first start dating, it is just a more mature love.
        Hang in there and enjoy your Christmas…

  10. Patsy50 December 20, 2013 at 8:57 pm #

    My wish for affair recovery is for all who are on this journey, no matter where they are in their recovery or not, to find peace within themselves.

    The best gift my spouse has given me, is showing me,he can be trustworthy again.

    The greatest gift for healing I gave to myself was to move past the EA and that paved the way for a better and stronger bond with my husband.

    What will help me in my own journey towards healing from an affair during the holidays, knowing I have the love and support of my family because with that, I can get through anything.

    I wish all a Happy Holiday!

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