Discussion – What is Your Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda List?

recovering from an affairMore than 3 years ago I wrote a post called, “My ‘Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda’ List.” Basically, the post touched on some of the many mistakes that I made after D-day and while recovering from an affair.

Making mistakes after discovering infidelity is very normal.  After all, how’s a person supposed to know what to do after such a trauma?  I’m not sure about you, but recovering from an affair wasn’t exactly brought up in our pre-marital classes.  Instead, most of us act on emotion and attempt to make it through with trial and error.

If it’s been a little while since you discovered the affair (or since your affair was discovered), there has to be some things that you did that were not very productive and that you can label as mistakes.

For example, if you are the betrayed, it could have been the pure rage that you felt that stopped you from moving forward, or perhaps it could have been that you didn’t act forceful enough towards your cheating spouse. 

If you are a cheater, it could have been that you didn’t disclose the entire truth right off the bat or that you beat yourself up so much with guilt that it held you back from exploring why you did what you did.

This week we want to hear from you about the following:

What is your ‘woulda, could, shoulda’ list?

What was the least productive thing you did after the affair was discovered?

What was the effect on your affair recovery process as a result?

If you could do one thing differently, what would it be?

As always, please reply to one another in the comment section.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

 

 

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24 Responses to Discussion – What is Your Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda List?

  1. chiffchaff April 17, 2013 at 6:54 am #

    How long have you got?
    almost 2 years down the line for me and I’d have done the following:
    Gone straight home from holiday, with his phone, when I saw that first message ‘Dana loves plums’ sent while he was in buying us drinks in a pub. This is my frequent bugbear, that I didn’t just take his phone and leave him high and dry. I had the car keys, we were 250 miles from home and he’d know if I had his phone and disappeared with it then his game was finally up. It even makes me sweat and my pulse race to even think about that possibility.
    I would’ve made sure his parents knew straight away. the shame of having to explain it all to them finally made it all hit home for him I think.
    I should’ve called the OW that day to find out exactly who she was and what was going on. if she’d been truthful (she had nothing to lose so I think she would’ve been pleased to tell me the whole gory details in the hope that I’d dump him and he’d be hers) then it would have saved months of agony caused by him continuing to lie to me about the extent of what he’d done.

    But I didn’t do any of that and I survived. our marriage survived. I’m not sure it would had I done that. My H is a massive coward and it took him ages to own up, even to himself, just what he’d done to himself and to me.

    Least productive thing was blaming myself and considering that the OW must really have something special. She didn’t. she was just there at the right time. she could’ve been anyone.

    Affair recovery for us took, and is taking, about the same time as many people experience. ages. much longer than you think at the start. Like the affair, the recovery could be written out in a text book.

    I feel like a survivor of something. I know better who I am and sometimes, what I want. I also know what I don’t want from a relationship.

    • exercisegrace April 17, 2013 at 4:51 pm #

      Chiffchaff, you make some very important points here. We all did what we had to do in our given situations. Had we done differently, things likely would have gone much, much worse.

      secondly, comparing ourselves to the affair partner does absolutely no good. They are simply parasites that were in the right place at the right time, saying the right words to a person who was vulnerable to believing them. And no, I am not taking the blame off of our spouses. I am just pointing out that most spouses didn’t go out SEEKING an affair. In some way, shape or form, they were taken advantage of.

      Lastly, recovery from an affair takes time. A LOT of time. in my opinion that is probably the biggest misconception (other than affairs only happy in bad marriages). There is an expectation that recovery is quick. Things can go back to “normal”. It sets everyone up to FAIL. The spouse who cheated and the spouse who was betrayed.

  2. Recovering April 17, 2013 at 8:54 am #

    I wouldve contacted the OWs husband right away… I would’ve left… I would’ve kept my own dignity intact and let HIM do the work and figure HIS crap out since I wasn’t to blame dispite his accusing me of being the reason for HIS affair… I would’ve run the OW over with my car…. Okay, that last bit is still my secret dream and not what I REALLY wouldve done… but I still secretly pray for her single car accident that kills her!!

    I really just wish I would’ve left. Then I would know he would actually chase me and FIGHT for US. Now I feel like a weak wimp for staying. The least productive… Idunno… I raged so much, and at the time it really made me feel better, and I really don’t regret it too much, so… I guess starting to medicate myself with alcohol is the biggest regret I have because now, even though I have cut WAY back, social drinking leads into blackouts WAY too easy now, and I don’t like that about myself. I also turned to food and gained 30 lbs and am disgusted with how I look now… so regret that as well…

    The ONE thing I would’ve done differently – I would’ve left him. Not that I wanted a divorce, but I would’ve stood my ground and stood up for myself instead of being the sobbing mess I turned into. I lost a lot of self-respect that even now I am having a hard time getting back. I didn’t do this disgusting thing, and for me to beg him to stay like I did… am humiliated that I would sink so low… I should’ve left… maybe I still should….

    • forcryin'outloud April 17, 2013 at 9:50 am #

      R – I still secretly relish in those OW hate crimes, too.

    • exercisegrace April 17, 2013 at 4:54 pm #

      Recovering, I have often wondered what might have been, had I contacted the other betrayed spouse. If it would have changed the course of things. In the end, I think not. I believe he was even more in the dark than I was. I think his denial would have reinforced what I was being told: that I was crazy, jealous, paranoid. It was MY problem and all in MY head.

  3. forcryin'outloud April 17, 2013 at 9:41 am #

    2yrs and 10mos post THE d-day.

    First and foremost I’ve learned when someone is hellbent on viewing issues from an unrealistic and selfish perspective you cannot stop their actions or thought process. I was not clueless to my H’s withdrawal and changes but everything I did from being there for him, crying, yelling, begging, pleading, withdrawing, etc. did not matter. He was going down the rabbit hole come hell or high water. MLC probably, but that’s not an excuse to destroy trust in a marriage or family.

    My WCS list would begin with the trip (he took to see the OW) that was a BIG RED WAVING flag that he was up to no good. I should have followed him. In fact my gut told me to follow him. I still cannot tell you why I didn’t. Probably because I was chicken, scared, broken… Then when he came home and acted more withdrawn and hateful I should have packed my junk, my child and left. There was no reaching him – Elvis had left the building.

    The next 2 years post EA was as if I was living with two different people. He would be present, happy, normal then he would go down the hole again. Back and forth until d-day. The ironic thing is the few days preceding d-day I was on a mission to find out why my H had turned into a BIG GIGANTIC A$$. I actually knew “of” the OW before he told me. I was in the process of getting my ducks in a row to leave. I had turned everything upside down looking for pics, electronic info, CC bills, making copies of assets, etc. So I can say him owning up to it before I had the chance to confront him helped him save our marriage.

    Then I went LUNATIC CRAZY mad. Which in hindsight was beneficial for us both. I had to get it out and he had to see the damage he had done to me, us, himself and our family. I believe he had no idea the extent of this damage until I got uncharacteristically furious. My only regret here is my child witnessed one of my ferocious moments and several of my moments of utter despair which forced my H to have to explain to our child why I was acting certifiably nuts. That I regret, truly regret.

    My frustration has stayed a long time because my H quit counseling and openly talking about any of it 4 mos. post d-day. To this day this is our big struggle – communicating about what lead up to it, caused it and our individual reactions. He is smothered in guilt and shame. Counseling would have saved our marriage, but now we are bumbling through this process. So regret #2 would be allowing him to quit counseling. (I kept going until we moved. Then got a new therapist who told me to leave – asked me if I thought this was still 1950? – note…if you want to save your marriage you need a therapist who is pro-marriage. )

    THE thing I would have done differently without a doubt was followed my gut. Not only because it was telling me to take the right path but because now I cannot even tap into it. I’m so mistrusting of my own instincts that I don’t trust my own self, still.

    I believe in this institution of marriage. I believe in the vows and I believe that when I am old, wrinkly and undesirable I will want to look back at my life with dignity.

  4. Broken2 April 17, 2013 at 11:14 am #

    I’m not sure I could have done anything differently because all that happened was emotionally driven. I do regret not waiting to confront him until I had all of my proof so that disclosure from him what not have been in bits and pieces. I definately thought long and hard about contacting the OW and I should have done that for sure. Now it seems pointless. I should have demanded more from him prior to the affair when he thought that hanging out at work with single coworkers was acceptable and going out numerous nights after work was the norm. I should have seen the red flags like getting mad at me when I would bring lunch to him at work and he wasnt there. I will never trust anyone again the way that I trusted him and he abused that trust. I should have gone to the bars where I knew he was and saw with my own eyes what he was doing but I wasnt interested because I trusted him. I should have loved myself enough to insist that I be treated the way he treats me now 32 months past dday. I should have left for awhile at first. I was so stupid at the time that I let him explain away lipstick on his shirt and I actually believed his explanation. How does a person get to the point where they accept what clearly is wrong. Is it just blind love? Or full blown stupidity?

  5. blueskyabove April 17, 2013 at 12:02 pm #

    If I could do one thing differently I would be more honest with myself, less trusting in my thoughts and what I was telling myself.  I caused myself a lot of unnecessary turmoil by not questioning what my mind and ego was saying.  My life wasn’t over as I initially kept insisting it was.  I had all the proof I needed.  I was still breathing, my heart was still beating.    The made-up scenarios my mind kept envisioning were just that…made-up scenarios.  Geez…I still find it somewhat embarrassing to recall the drama that surrounded my emotions at the time.  None of it was beneficial to my growth and recovery.

    I can see now that it ‘woulda’ been far better for me to acknowledge “it is what it is, now whom do I choose to be in relation to it?” instead of focusing on what ‘they’ did to me.  Focusing on them and their behavior hindered my recovery, disempowered me and kept me in a state of victimhood which left me feeling weak and vulnerable.  It isn’t something I would recommend.  It didn’t increase my self-esteem which had taken a major hit.  All it did was perpetuate the private pity parties I was holding.  It was a vicious, negative circle that became harder and harder to break.  Once I stopped resisting though, I was able to begin the healing process.

    It took a while to first recognize and then acknowledge that I was often my own worst enemy, that I, and I alone, was many times responsible for sabotaging my recovery.  That was NOT easy to accept, but in the process I learned a lot about the ego…it’s purpose and tactics…and human behavior.  I also learned that I do not have to go through life in a state of unconscious reaction.  I am not at the mercy of my thoughts and feelings.  (Or anyone else’s for that matter.)   “Is that so?” has become a part of my new vocabulary.  Learning to just ‘be’ with an emotion without judgement or resistance is empowering.  You learn quickly that it’s just a feeling, just energy.  It has no power or control over you unless you grant it permission.  Now that’s truly life-changing!

    • exercisegrace April 17, 2013 at 2:31 pm #

      Bluesky, I feel like you wrote this specifically for me today. I am at “that” point. I need to start letting go of being the “betrayed spouse”. I don’t want to be defined by what happened to me. While I HATE what he did, if I want to have true healing, it can’t define who HE is either. I MUST accept his remorse, his efforts, and move forward. How did you break the cycle of pity partying? I am learning to ride the waves of anger that come, and not let them pull me under like a riptide. I am trying to reach a point of acceptance that yes, this has happened and there is no “undoing” it. No amount of whys, no amount of understanding, will ever take away the wrong and the pain and the horror of it. I need to learn to just sit with that.

      • bellabby April 18, 2013 at 3:27 am #

        blueskyabove, exercisegrace
        I am trying so hard to get to where you both are in your recovery. After 17 months, I still feel the same anger, betrayal, humiliation that I felt when I first found out. I realized today that I keep asking him the same things over and over again with the delusional hope that I will eventually hear it never really happened, or as exercisegrace stated, “undo” the whole thing. I guess my denial and, yes I admit, loss of control, are stopping me from getting to that point where I can accept that it happened, accept that I will always feel this pain when I think about the EA, accept that the man I had trusted, who I never thought would betray me, did just that. I know he is trying and is very remorseful for hurting me, but I guess I also like the thought that he is suffering as much as he has made me.
        I think what I would have done differently was not force him to end the EA because now I’ll never know if he would have ended it himself. I did make him leave the house and we were separated for 10 months before i agreed to allow him to move back. I think those decisions made me feel like I had some control, that he had to pursue me and wait until I made the decision to try to save our marriage. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t a complete emotional mess during that time. What I don’t understand is that just when I thought I was getting over the whole sordid affair and we were communicating with each other better than we have in years, I slip back into the anger and hurt I felt on dday. And that just makes him withdraw and become angry with me for not letting it go. I guess the one thing I want to do differently is let it go, get it out of my head, and move on with our marriage and our new life together. I just don’t know how.

        • exercisegrace April 18, 2013 at 12:52 pm #

          Bellabby, I am only a couple of months behind you and I will admit that I feel all of those emotions at times and more. Still. What has changed for me, is that I no longer want them to drive the bus. I have to make an excruciating effort every day to choose to not let the emotions overwhelm me. I acknowledge them, they are valid. But then I mentally step away and tell myself NO. This is not where I want to be now or going forward. The parasite took enough from me. My husband gave her enough that belonged to me. I refuse to give her anymore. I choose me, and I choose my marriage and family.

          It’s normal to ask questions over and over. It is part of processing the horror of what we have been through. It can be healthy if we channel that. If we use it to understand where the vulnerabilities were and how to make sure they are never there again. If we use them to make sure we have the whole truth. What our brains know, our hearts take longer to accept. It happened and it’s not going to “unhappen”. Time to craft a new normal. I admit I still sometimes ask him a question. But now I ask myself questions first: What am I really wanting here? Reassurance because i am insecure? Then I state that fact before I ask the question. Otherwise HIS guilt and shame drives the bus and he gets angry and defensive because he thinks I am punishing him. I also ask myself my motive for the question. Am I just rubbing his nose in it? Do I already know the answer to this question? Is this something I really even need or want to know? Is it enough of an answer that he is HERE with ME? What will I gain by asking this question? And lastly, I try to “sit” on a question now for at least 24 hours. Sometimes the need to ask it goes away and we are both better off.

          You say you will never know if he would have ended it himself. But you DO KNOW. You were separated. He could have continued the affair. He didn’t. He earned your trust and he came back. That, my dear, is your answer.

      • blueskyabove April 18, 2013 at 1:20 pm #

        exercise grace and bellabby,

        I can’t give you specifics on how I broke the cycle, but I can tell you that reaching the point of wanting to change was a huge step.  Without that desire I don’t believe it’s possible to change.  The way I see it is we were all forced out of our comfort zones on DDay and into the roll of BS.  In the beginning I don’t think most of us had the energy to fight off that label that had been thrust upon us.  It takes a while to reach a point of saying ‘enough’ and then make the decision to change course.  Part of that decision for me was acknowledging that my H was remorseful and had taken steps to change.  Both of you acknowledged this in your comments.  Now it becomes a matter of staying in this newfound comfort zone of BS, or deliberately venturing into the unknown.  It can seem scary, but both of you have already proven you have the courage to take this necessary step toward healing.  You have survived a nightmare.  You have each discovered that you are stronger than you ever thought was possible.  You truly can do anything.

        I fought acceptance for a long time.  I didn’t think I could do it.  It sounded too difficult.  One day I read this quote from Eckhart Tolle about not being able to be in acceptance, “Then accept that you cannot accept” and everything changed for me.  THAT I could do.  I could accept that I was resisting acceptance.  Suddenly acceptance didn’t seem impossible anymore.  I stopped being so hard on myself.  I stopped “trying to reach a point” and “trying so hard” to get to a certain place in my recovery and just accepted that I was resisting.  And, I found that I was ok with it.  Wow!  That took no effort at all on my part.  I lived with that knowledge for quite a while until the day finally came when I was ready to let it go and take the next step.

        So, it sounds as if you’re both thinking about making the decision to change course.  As with anything else regarding healing after infidelity it is entirely up to each of you as to how long it will take to put it behind you and get on with your life.  Awareness of how you have consciously or unconsciously added to your own suffering is part of the impetus for change.

        exercisegrace, if I may:  Yes, learning to ‘just sit with’ a feeling is necessary.  BUT the key to the success of the experience is to have no judgement about it while doing so.  This means no labeling of it.  No emphasis on it that it was wrong.  No reminding yourself of the pain or horror of it.  Just sit with it.  One feeling can encompass millions of thoughts.  Let the feeling be there.  When you just let it be, it loses it’s power over you.  See…there  it is…over there.  So what.   Did you feel the shift in energy?  Did you feel lighter and stronger at the same time?  Did you feel all your problems disappear for a moment?  Letting go is so subtle, so simple that it’s easy to dismiss its transformational power.  You might have to repeat the process many times about many things in your life, but it isn’t an unpleasant experience.  It’s uplifting.  It’s almost like a “high” without any side effects.

        bellabby:  17 months isn’t that long considering the trauma of discovering an infidelity of any kind.  Without knowledge of proven methods for overcoming the turmoil it’s easy to slip back into what we’ve done before even when we know it hasn’t helped to alleviate the pain.  It’s that comfort factor of being a BS again.  Try the above technique.  Even if the relief only lasts a short time, acknowledge that it was there.  You did it.  YOU did it.  YOU made it happen.  YOU controlled it.  Now you DO know how.

        Overcoming this event in my life, not letting it define me, but letting it become the catalyst for my further spiritual growth has truly changed my life for the better.  I have learned how to let go of a lot of things in my life and I’m fairly certain this would not have been the case had I not endured the pain and suffering of betrayal.  It seems obvious to me now that I personally needed a traumatic event to get my attention.  It has been my experience that those things I don’t learn from and/or accept, keep showing up in my life.  I don’t ever want to go through another DDay again.  I don’t even want the life I was living before the affair took place.  Compared to my life now it was unsatisfactory.

        I’m still a work in progress but I have made a commitment to myself to continue to grow until I leave this physical plane.  In the meantime life just gets better and better…even when there are set backs.

  6. Healingperson April 17, 2013 at 2:33 pm #

    What I should, could, or would still do is a very though question as it has only been 5 months since DDay. My h and I are still together (23 years coming up), and trying to recover. While we have gotten closer in some ways, in other ways, I feel we are suppressing some valuable and very dangerous feelings about it all!

    I guess, if I could rewind, I would have asked him to leave, and give him the chance to miss me completely, and to feel as though I was lost and gone from him forever.

    I see and sense his remorse!

    Today, not so good. My feelings are strong. I see her truck at his work. I never confronted her. She got to get out scotch free. My wounds, not so much! Honestly, some times, I feel I am not going to make it through. It devastates me because I love him, and I know he feels the same. She was the “unknown”, got to be perfect because they only talked about things they shared in common. Us wives, same old thing! So, another would have, let him realize her fully. Her own crap!

    At this point, I can only take a day at a time. Not so sure what will be tomorrow!

  7. exercisegrace April 17, 2013 at 2:49 pm #

    Woulda, coulda, shoulda. I don’t let my mind wander there much these days, as it never seems to lead me to a productive place. As others have said, once our spouses punched their ticket for the crazy train, there was likely no stopping it.

    There were any number of red flags along the way, but he always had a reasonable explanation for them and for nearly thirty years he had given me no reason to think he deserved anything less than my total trust. I SHOULD have known that every marriage is vulnerable, even happy ones. I should have trusted my initial instincts about her and not let him bring her into our life and business.

    Looking back, I wish I WOULD have followed my instincts and hired a private detective when they went on their first business trip.

    I COULD have been more proactive. I knew he was depressed, there was a lot going on stress wise that was out of our control. I wish I had recognized that as a vulnerability. I believed in him, I trusted him, I was the wife that I should have been. He threw down a diamond to pick up a fat stinky turd. His choice. His bad.

    I keep telling myself that he ended the affair himself. By the time I found out it was over. If I had pushed harder and discovered it during…….I would have left. I am fairly certain of that. By him ending it, it allowed her to show her true colors. It allowed him to see the evil person she really is, and the cyber-stalking/bullying parasite that lurked underneath the facade. Who knows? If I had wrenched him away from her, he might feel sorry for her now. He might wonder how or if it “would have” ended.

  8. JoeIsTrying April 17, 2013 at 4:37 pm #

    Had I known more about the illness of a cheater I would have just ignored her completely. Tuned her out completely and focused on our daughter, never showing any desire for reconciliation. It has been 18 mos since D-day and the divorce is final, the house is sold and her name is changed. She finally broke up with the OM a couple months ago and is in a serious mid-life crisis. There was nothing I could have said or done to stop any of this, so I should have just kept my emotions to myself and my mouth shut. Instead I copped to bogus admissions of behavior, I pleaded, I stalked, I dreamed of hurting him and I held out for another chance with her. That chance never came, and though I am in a much better place now, I could have started healing much earlier.

    • exercisegrace April 17, 2013 at 4:57 pm #

      Joel, I am glad you are in a better place now. It sounds like you tried very hard and that counts for a LOT in my book. Someday, when your daughter grows up, she will know who gave it their all and who didn’t. YOU know you did everything you could. You can hold your head up. Your ex has to be wondering how in the world she blew her life completely apart. i am fairly sure she is not in the same better place.

  9. rachel April 17, 2013 at 8:03 pm #

    I should have kicked his skinny ass out the door on D day! His bags were packed and even with a bonus of some potting soil that I thought would be a nice addition to each bag .
    The peacefulness that my boys and I are experiencing is amazing. I’m able to work in my gardens and add flowers and trim bushes that I would have had to hear him squak about. We lounge on rainy weekends, something we could never do. We eat fast food. That was always forbidden!
    My boys are now seeing the new “HIM” as they refer to him now. They have caught him in lies.
    My oldest graduates next month and his father asked him if the four of us could take a picture together. My son said “there is nothing more that I would want, but it’s not like that anymore. You left our family and the picture will be of Mom, Me and my brother.
    We are still hurt but getting stronger everyday.
    I do not recognize this man anymore. My husband died when he left our marriage.

    • exercisegrace April 18, 2013 at 12:56 pm #

      Rachel, you sound so much stronger and sure of yourself. I am glad the boys are able to vocalize their feelings and stand up for what they want and need. It must be sobering for him. You have so much to be proud of in how you handled this. What an example you have set for your boys. Your strength and commitment and effort. They will always know how hard you tried. Maybe not right now, but someday he will have to face his guilt, his regret, his shame in the choices he made and what that cost him.

    • chiffchaff April 19, 2013 at 4:59 am #

      Rachel – you sound so much better I’m so pleased for you. You’ve had quite a nightmare to deal with so it’s great to read how you and your boys are getting on so well.

  10. Lea April 19, 2013 at 6:52 am #

    Very nice question and really nice answers.
    My dday was 19 months ago, though since then all went downwards, meaning for 5 months he lived with ow. But he came back exactly new year’s eve. During this time i learned it’s not helpful to have thoughts “woulda coulda shoulda” or “what ifs.” I learned that all my actions were the best under given circumstances. Knowing that helps a lot, because that way it was meant to make me better me, the me now.
    I had a wish of telling my mind to ow for a long while. But at some point i realised that it is like that saying about revenge: revenge is a poison you take yourself. It hurt only me. Because telling her about my pain would not affect her. She did what she did because she has her own poisons eating her from inside. So i let go of that thought.

    And yes, there are moments when something triggers cheating. And like bluesky said i just listen to what my mind wants to tell me. I acknowledge it, and let it go afterwards. However, if you try to ignore those thoughts, they will come with even more force, like child demanding attention. So its effect will be felt harder on you.

  11. SamIam April 21, 2013 at 5:02 pm #

    I shouda insisted on a separation….right on Dday weekend. He knew the consequences of ever cheating on me and yet he did. I feel so weak letting him stay (but I am working through it). In fact I wanted to leave and not look back, but could not figure out the logistic (deep in my own fog of pain) I woulda kept my rage in check …but I will never regret that my now adult daughters (one living at home and one living at college at the time) saw that their mother was not going to stand for such disrespect. They also see that we can rebuild, though it has taken longer than I ever expected. I coulda left him high and dry! But I never would and his AP could never say that , as she was only using him! As much I find her the most despicable woman on the whole face of the earth, I have never had dreams of running her over, in fact, I relish the fact that she lives the life she has set up. I hope she lives a long long life in the “strangest marriage” (oh poor poor pitiful her)
    We are now 26 months post Dday….and I hate every trigger that still happens, some at the strangest times….but whatever! Our marriage is not easy going, some actives seem forced, emotions are always on edge.This is our life now.

  12. marsh April 23, 2013 at 2:15 am #

    Bellaby:
    I was wondering how you ‘managed’ the 10 month separation after you found out? Did you communicate at all and if so, what about?
    My wife recently confessed to a brief affair and 4 months after d-day I decided to separate from her to give her the space she needs to figure out her priorities.

  13. Strengthrequired April 23, 2013 at 8:45 pm #

    I should have let him fight for me, like he had me fight for him.
    I should have left the first time I caught him lying to me, after he moved back home. I was too afraid to leave it up to him, to fight for me.
    I should not have kept thinking I could save him from her, that it was my job to save him and our marriage myself, he needed to save himself, he needed to help save our marriage.
    I should not have let them drag me further into depression, when I was trying so hard to get out of it.

  14. Phoenix April 25, 2013 at 9:59 pm #

    Oh, if I had days to write what I’d do differently….First, I would not have attempted suicide. It just made everything terrible for my kids, even though it was unsuccessful. It had so many negative unintended consequences. Not to mention, it gave WH all the power. Second, I would have more strongly considered moving out until my feelings calmed down. I also would have gathered more evidence before letting on what I knew, so that I could’ve watched unseen while things carried on, or didn’t. My WH claims they were ending things. It would be nice to know this for sure. I would’ve kept a copy of the email chats and put it in an inaccessible place, so that if we ever do split, there is evidence. This is a partial list only. I have regrets every day. I’m still not sure if I’ve done the right thing by staying.

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