Coming up with a topic that we haven’t discussed previously is getting tougher and tougher! I do think I have come up with one though.
It has been mentioned that affairs can be life and death situations.
One example of this is that the betrayal can cause such intense feelings of pain and anger that they could cause some to act out in a violent manner. There have certainly been countless episodes throughout history of the betrayed spouse taking their anger out on their spouse and/or their affair partner by physically harming or even killing them.
Another life and death example is the potential for sexually transmitted diseases to invade a person’s body and ultimately cause serious health issues – or possibly death.
I know this sounds quite morbid at the moment, and this is not meant to scare anyone, but I think that these sort of issues do need to be discussed as they are a possibility.
Many a cheater has certainly been involved in an affair without thinking through what the possible consequences are, never mind the potential for violence.
For this discussion, we’re going to concentrate more on the possibility for violence and/or intimidation as a result of infidelity. However, feel free to discuss the health issues as well if you so desire.
So here are this week’s topic questions…
Have you ever felt unsafe for any reason as a result of infidelity?
Has a party to the affair ever made threats against you or have you ever made threats against anyone else?
Have you ever had the urge to physically hurt the OP? Did you ever do so? If so, what was the result and if not, what made you back off?
What about other forms of intimidation…nasty emails, threatening phone calls, vandalism, etc.?
Please let us know your situations and how you dealt with it. Feel free to add as much detail as necessary to help others who may be experiencing this.
Also, please respond to each other in the comment section.
Thanks to everyone in advance for joining in the discussion.
Linda & Doug
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53 replies to "Discussion – Violence and Intimidation After Infidelity"
This past year when she finally confessed, I fantasized about going to her OM (I know him well and I know where he lives) and causing him pain. At the very least, I thought about ways to get him fired or break up his marriage…but I knew I couldn’t and wouldn’t.
I knew I couldn’t because I didn’t when all this blew up years ago…when I caught her coming out of his house. He was there, standing with her on his porch. While I wasn’t sure that anything happened, I strongly suspected. But they vociferously proclaimed that nothing happened.
I was full of rage and prepared to take his head off with my bare hands. But as I stood there, I realized that I couldn’t. I lost. He had her. The looks on their faces told me everything. There was nothing that I could do in that moment that would undo what she had done or stop my pain. I dropped the tire iron that I held in my hand, sobbed like a child, and got in my car and drove home.
To cope with all of this, I turned my pain inwards. I drank too much, I punched a door and a wall, and engaged in some self-destructive behaviors. But I quickly realized that wasn’t solving anything so I turned to therapy, counseling, and exercise. That really helped ease the anger and frustration that I was feeling.
Dave,
It’s an awful thing that you went through. Some day she will realize the mistake that she made.
Good luck.
I think she really does get the impact now. All that crap “infected” our marriage even though she kept the truth from me. I always assumed, and that doubt made the past 14 years difficult. She blamed a lot of that on me, but now she understands that her lies and her affairs were the root cause. …not just for us, but also her relationship with our son. Lies like that are poison.
If we make it, we’ll be dealing with that fallout for a long time. She understands that even though I have forgiven the affairs, the years of lies (and lies to cover up the lies) will take longer. Even then, trust will take time and be tenuous.
The weight of all that is the hardest thing on our marriage now and hardest on her. It all seem to hit her at once. The most violence we’ve had is violence she committed against herself. In a rage on night, early on after I asked one too many questions about why and such, she started hitting herself in the head and screaming, “Because I’m just stupid. I’m an evil bitch. Now get the fuck out.” She made even more scary comments about hurting herself.
It was shocking because I’ve never seen her behave like that, but when we talked to our therapist after, he told us that both of us need cooling off periods and that I need to not push the questions too far. Thankfully, I don’t have those questions anymore. Now she is working through her depression with help.
My husband and his AP continued to work together for quite awhile after the affair ended. He stupidly thought that she had accepted it when he ended their affair. In truth, she didn’t believe him and was hanging on trying to entice him back. It didn’t work. That’s when the bunny boiler side of her came out. She hired an attorney and threatened to sue us for a variety of bogus things. It was so ridiculous that her attorney even dropped her as a client and told ours she was over the top crazy. Its been a year since no contact, and we have had to consult our attorney on three separate occasions to deal with her cyber bullying. We have shut down certain accounts, and basically tell the kids what to do if she ever approaches them in public.
In a way, I sometimes feel like thanking her. I didn’t find out about their affair until she outed it, a little over a year after it ended. At first, he admitted he felt kind of sorry for her. She was stuck in a crummy relationship that she hated, he said he was happy and relieved to be with me. He saw it as a colossal mistake, but knew by that time that she didn’t see it that way at all. NOW? He despises her. He can’t believe the pain and grief that has been wreaked on our family because of her continually trying to impact our lives. She has really shown him who she TRULY is. What an awful mistake he made. How much he risked for someone so evil. At this point we are hoping she will find someone else to fixate on. It is stressful wondering what is coming up next, and the guilt my husband has is enormous.
I have a packet of pics that I took from every conversation that I had with the OW and what was left of the talks between my H an her. I have her H’s name and address and have thought a hundred times I should send them to him but then on the other side, I don’t know if I want to deal that closely with either of them. I also think of her children even though mine were never a thought to her.
I am sure in time I will be able to throw the packet away but right now I am not strong enough to do so.
Do not throw that packet away. Put it somewhere you don’t have to look at it to remind you. Don’t throw it out, you may need it someday. I’m just saying.
I know in the early days if the OW had lived within driving distance I would have come close to doing something violent. The whole discovery of the EA/PA completely unhinged me.
On DDay #3 I did hit my H, well more slap him.
The STD thing came up for me too as my H had forgotten that during his PA we were still ‘active’ as we were trying to conceive. My H had completely forgotten this as he’d built up a myth that we weren’t physical ourselves during that time. He got checked out and so did I, thankfully clear.
The OW didn’t do anything or even try to contact me, thankfully. She has viewed me on LinkedIn a few times over the past year.
I can entirely understand why someone, a BS might go off the rails on discovery and for this reason I completely understand France having a ‘passionate crime’ defence for murder.
How do you check on Linked In who is looking at your profile?
You have to have more than the basic membership. I don’t remember how much a month it costs. Even at that, people can set their profile to appear as an anonymous viewer on your page.
Actually, you can see who has viewed your profile by clicking on the “Who’s Viewed Your Profile” link at the right of your profile page, even if you only have a basic membership. This will give you the names of people who have viewed your profile for the last 15 days. I “view” the OW’s profile each and every day, so that every time she logs on to her Linkedin account, she knows that I am still here and that I will never forgive or forget what she has done to me.
I think had it been someone I knew or trusted that was involved with my H, it would of been a whole different story. The OW lives over 2000 miles away so out of sight made it easier but I would go shit bat crazy had it been a friend of mine and my H.
I don’t know if i could be as strong as some of the woman or men here that have dealt with that scenerio.
Thank you for this comment. It is very validating to me, as strange as that may sound. His AP was supposed to be my friend too, not just someone he worked with. During the affair when I would tell him my concerns, and say that she didn’t treat me like a friend he would turn on ME. Tell me things like “you aren’t trying hard enough”, “that’s just her personality”, or my personal fave…..”I feel sorry for her. You dislike her for no reason and she knows that”. Um?? Yeah. You were screwing her in our house. She saw me as her “competition”. The gall to say that to me! When he knew what he was doing with her and where!
But that is the affair fog in action, and to present both sides, he is now horrified about it all. Tells me often what a good person I am, how sorry he is. He doesn’t even remember some of things he said. So thank you. Sometimes I think I AM bat shit crazy. But that’s ok. We are moving forward.
LOL, Don’t get me wrong! I was very crazed about the whole thing when I first found out and there were times that I had to drink myself into submission because I wanted to do some hateful things which really shocked me but I don’t think there would of been anything to hold me back had I found out it was in my home or with someone who was suppose to be my friend as well.
The emotions you go through are amazing! I felt like I was quadpolar lol! One minute I was screaming, then laughing, then balling my eyes out and then 10 minutes later I was ready to pack up and leave. We won’t even discuss the days I was PMSing lol. That was a whole bunch of bat shit crazy on its own!!
I’m not the violent type although I’d never yelled and screemed more than on DD, I was furious and let I all out when I found out about my H’s EA with a friend/collegue. But as the OW and her family had become friends I was naive enough to believe that everyone would do his best to repare the damage until she showed her ‘bunny boiling side”(my comparison exactly exercisegrace!). I really thought those people only existed in the movies not in our own group of friends. She has been very mean to us but in a very subtle way. Shortly after my H cut down on the contact she started looking for a fight, creating stories where I wasn’t “polite” to her. She would bardge into my H office and demand my appologies. He told me but I still had to ask him if he truly believed I would do that, he had to admit he wasn’t surpised with her behaviour but thought it was wise for me to appoligise !? I appoligised but told her I didn’t apreciate the communication behind my back and that I wasn’t only talking about this last incident. In her denial it was clear she knew what I was refering to. That is the only thing I ever said about the affair. Otherwise I’d pull myself together and nobody knows. Then she suddenly turned herself into the most popular of the group (I’m not the only one who noticed) but very subtle she keeps trying to get to me. Even my H who still see’s her good sides is actually afraid of what she might do. I still want to tell her H. Mostly to get her to finally stop; lately to clear my name (I don’t now what story she told her H-he must of sensed my withdrawal- probably something jealous… My H is still best friends?!? . I would like a little revenge just for her to feel the pain (I don’t think she can) but in the meanwhile she has created this whole story of how badly I’ve been treating her I’m not sure anyone would believe me. If I tackle her I’m sure she will have no limits. I’m not prepared to lower myself that low to beat her at her game. There’s to much at stake. So whatever I do I feel like losing.
I’ve got back most of my selfesteem now. But in my dreams I could lynch her.
CBB – I am confused. What were you apologizing for?
The story were she started the “bunny boiling” (Tx EG ).
Just after DD2 (apparently it takes time to really stop the affair) I had told my H I took parenting leave not to fix our problems but to take time for myself to figure out what I wanted from this marriage. It was a wakeup call.
She was apparently trying to be nice and had arranged a double sleepover for the kids. Same holiday sports camp, her kids would come and sleepover the first night and our kids would sleep at her place the 2nd night. Her DS couldn’t sleep, to much light, to dark… wanted to go home, kept the little kids awake. around 10pm she calls and asks how things are going, I told her . As she was in the neighborhood she suggested to pick him up. I agreed it would be a good idea and then she told me her father was admitted urgently in hospital so she couldn’t take the kids the next day. Fully understanding I Iet him go home. Because they had been playing outside (I had boots for the little ones) his sport shoes were covered in mud. As they weren’t sleeping I didn’t have time to clean them yet. I apologized; she answers no problem. Next day she barges in to my H’s office furious of the way I treated her kids (I did demand silence ) and in what a mess she got the shoes back. My H told her I did have problems managing the kids (he dropped in for 10 min when I was desperately trying to get them to sleep). And she (or was it a mixture of his frustrations?) raged about how we couldn’t raise our children, that I was chaotic (?!) that they where sick of listening to me, that our families where not compatible that she didn’t want to talk to me again and demanded an apology. It took me 2 days to get over the shock. (same thing happened the next day, my H ended up calling her H to sooth things.) I got the courage to call her after 3days, apologizing for the shoes, told her I was going to discuss the matter of only letting the girls do the sleepover next time (the boy’s age difference is to big) but that I didn’t think it was urgent because she probably had other things on her mind (her sick father) She told me “sheeply” no apologies needed that she had cleared everything with my H and maybe overreacted due to her F illness. I told her politely that this wasn’t fair, that she had felt the need to throw all this dirt about me and wasn’t prepared to tell it to my face, that I didn’t appreciate all the talks behind my back and that it wasn’t the first time it bothered me. She denied it and the “sheep” tone in her voice turned :How dear my H depict her as a B (not my words) that she considered me as a friend or she wound’t have gone on holiday with us. and that I should realize they accidentally bump into each other at work so thats why she knows things!?! Next day she told my H he wasn’t supposed to tell me confidential things!?! And that never in her life she had had anyone being so rude to her. This conversation was the start of the BB to which I never responded anymore but she manages to do it very subtle always in public. If I were to react; to put her in her place it would probably blow up in my face and she knows that. If my marriage ever ends in a divorce (not for her; she was just playing a game and made sure all the evidence against her is dubious) then I won’t hold anything back; it’ll be part of my heeling!!
After my divorce, I will go to see the other woman as part of closure for me.
I intend to ask her why did she persue my husband. Why did she call him constantly until he finally caved and went to see her.
Why did she see him even though she was married.
Why did she tell him that she was leaving her husband so they could be together and didn’t.
I won’t be violent. Just want to see her.
When my h was living here I asked him if her husband knew about their affair. He said no. I said I think it’s time he knew.
He was very nervous and said no, what if he comes here and comes after us. I said us like me and the kids? He’s gonna come after you!!!
Somehow, I think this blog was in part due to comments I have made about my need/plan to continue to intrude on the OW’s life. Some have said this is preventing me from moving on, she’s not worth it, etc.
Every situation is different. My H’s EA was online, and phone calls. I had enough info to know where she works, what she drives and with just a bit of research discovered her true name, address and part of her history. So I can get my groceries and see her car parked at her workplace.
For me, the more I found out about the OW and her sorry life, the better I felt about myself. My H did not get into an EA with a good person. They both have huge issues. My H is working on his and doing a great job. Her, I have no idea.
I have questions for the cow. I asked her to meet with me – she could bring someone, it could be in a publice place. She refused. She told the police she was afraid of me. As my lawyer said to them, she may need to be afraid of me intellectually but never physically. I never threatened her physically. I could easily have told her grown children, parents of her actions – I never did.
I did slap my husband just after D-Day. It was when he told me that I would like the Cow. It was a reflex. It was not a little slap – it was hard.
I am not meek. I feel my self-confidence and ummm, I guess you would say my structuring my life – as much as one can- is important to me. This was all taken away by my H and the OW. I had learned to be tough and strong partly from being married to an alcoholic for so many years and dealing with the roller coaster life we had. In essence, the bitch messed with the wrong chick this time.
Do I think of the OW everyday? Not anymore. But sometimes I do. Sometimes I do see if she is parked in front of her workplace. I have never threatened her physically or approached her children/ parents in any way. I do plan on occassionally intruding into her life. As I wonder about things, so can she.
Just before D-day anniversay I will contact her workplace supervisors (she has a county government job) and tell them of her parking in a 2 hour parking place right outside her workplace door and moving her car every 2 hours. Is this so bad? I think she is pretty lucky, as is my H, that I am as sane as I am. As I told her boss, she put her entire workplace in jeopardy. What if I was psycho – or my H? Or vice versa? In an online affair, you reaaly don’t know who you are letting into your life.
I like being able to intrude on her life. I don’t think this makes me a bad person. So I don’t pray for her and wish her the best? Guess that’s who I am at this stage in my life.
Hey Doug, In regards to your comment about finding new topics … how about revisiting some of the old. Many on here are newbies or at a different point in their EA experience.
JB, Yes that’s true and I have repeated some as you suggest, but always on the mental lookout for something new. Thanks!
On D-Day I tried to slap my husband, but he saw it coming and blocked it. That’s the closest I’ve come to actual violence, although I’ve had occasional fantasies about smashing her in the face. More often I think about what I would say to her, but the truth is I hope never to see her.
I tried to slap my h on d day as well and I missed and mi finger hooked on to his religious chain that he was wearing on his neck.
The chain broke. He was so upset with me about the chain. He didn’t care about breaking our marriage at all.
Needless to say, he made me take the chain to the jewelers and get it fixed and as you all guessed it, I payed.
Wow! That’s very insulting. When my wife cheated, she was a strong believer. Nothing wrong with belief if that is your thing, but I found it doubly insulting that she cheated, lied, slept with him multiple times, and then continue to go to church and her prayer group. I wonder if she ever went to confession?! She claims to not remember.
Did you bring up the irony of his religious necklace and his actions? Does he or did he ever “get it”?
Dave
I saw a stastic that there are more cheaters in the Christian community than any other. They think God has sanctified their relationships because it feels so good. Since it feels so good how can it not be from God. They are effed up individuals regardless of their pretended and convenient faith!
Dave,
My soon to be ex is very religious. This I do not understand. The two don’t mix in my eyes.
He said he goes to church because God guides him what to do.
The mind boggles at statements like that. My wife used to chide me for not going to church or being a believer. She made statements like – put it in gods hands. I got really shitty once and asked her if that is what she called him when she was with him (oh god, oh god…)…she didn’t think it was very funny. :/
I was mad and I know it was wrong and a mean, but I couldn’t (or didn’t want to) stop myself. Now that we are working on it though, statements like that haunt me…or I should say she reminds me of them often. Same thing.
I will gladly wear the mantle of Crazy Bitch!! I was. I can’t even begin to tell everything for fear of legal action. I don’t think there’s a judge anywhere that would find me guilty. What’s worse, I’m glad I did it. They and especially he deserved it. In the early days of DDay the only thing that got me through to the next day was I had an option. I knew what I could do to alleviate the pain. I knew I didn’t want to do it but I made plans. I saved pills. I knew I had a choice. It’s awful, I know, and I am about the most sane stable person I know but I was quite literally out of my mind with fear and grief. Today I am so much smarter and I know if anything comes up again, I will leave and I won’t need pills. I will be just fine!
I have been reading on here for about 2 years now. I don’t think I have ever commented. I lost a lot of self confidence during that period and reading here has really helped me at difficult times. After reading this, I came upon the link below about the new Carrie Underwood song “Two Black Cadillac’s”. I think it would go along with the topic.
http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/revenge-videos-female-artists-good-bad-women-202300904.html
I myself have a bit of a temper…..LOL If the OW (aka Shamu, my name for her) lived near me, I would have ripped her head off. I HATE her and still do almost 4 years later, but she just isn’t worth it. I am better than her and I finally realized that she was the one who was jealous of me! I am no beauty queen, but she really doesn’t have anything going for her. She has no education, a low income job, she is not religious and her looks were very plain. Having said that, my husband was just as guilty, but we continue to work on us every day.
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After viewing the music video, I just cannot imagine getting together with her to kill him! I wondered what others thought about it. I’m not sure why I am finally opening up a bit, but wow…this feels great to open up! I have kept this to myself for way too long. I do have to say though. I have been reading on here for so long that I find myself worrying and thinking about all of you. I feel like I have known you for a while!
I was a freakin’ lunatic for about 2 months following D-day. Shredding items from my H’s high school memory stash into confetti, screaming like I was possessed, throwing things at walls, threatening violence, embarrassed myself in front of the neighbors the day after D-day with bat shit crazy talk in our front yard after finding questionable charges on my H’s cc bill. While visiting my H’s fam I did try once to confront the OW at her work, but she had quit. I’m grateful she lives over 12 hrs away because God only knows what would have happened. The scariest part was I’m not this type of person – I saw a side of myself I never knew existed.
LOL. I don’t feel so alone now. I was pretty bad. I wish I could tell the whole story cause you all would not believe it. Maybe some day I will.
You’re not alone, that was the glossed over PG version!
I’ve joined your club! Wow, the anger ,the hurt, the pain was so unbearable. I never wish that pain on anyone. Well, maybe two people. ; )
H doesn’t understand my rage, tears and pain. I think we really loved each other in different ways. I loved him with my heart. It was cracked. It truly hurt. It has gotten better And will be healed in time, because I refuse to let him bring me down .
I am usually a calm, placid person, but it’s been over a year since I found out and I still want to smack her hard around the face. The fact that she was my H’s co-worker and she befriended me annoys me further because I feel like she was taking me for a complete fool. I haven’t seen her since that day because she resigned from her job, presumably because she thought I’d make trouble and her family would find out. I HATE her so much and want her to suffer like I have, but I haven’t told her husband because it’s not his fault that his wife is an evil troll. I don’t think I would do anything physical to her because I want to keep my dignity, but I want to say something which will cut her down to size and make her feel GUILTY.
AnneB
I feel the same way. I would love to physically coach but I know I never would. I had a chance to do it and didn’t. You should somehow let her H know. Why should she be free and clear and get away with the lie? He should know what he’s living with. He should know he’s being taken for a fool. She played you for a fool. They all do. The OW would chat me up at the office even told my H she liked me! WTF? I don’t know about you but I am sick of being silent. My H says she is afraid of me intellectually but she has agin, I don’t! I’m afraid of her coming after me too. She’s a drunk and a desperate loser. She has nothing to lose by coming after me. Yes they bring these creeps into all our lives not just theirs.
I’m glad to see there are others that feel like me. I hate the bitch and I see nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately for me, the bitch works in the same town as me, we know mutual people, I have you 1st set of inlaws and her boss as customrs of mine. …ugh.
livingMYlifenow – great to hear from you. How could you wait 2 years? I, too, have gotten alot from this site. I think it is good to vent upon occassion.
I watched the video. No I would never ressort to physical violence. As my good friend, who is also an attorney, said the OW has nothing to fear from me physically, intellectually is another story.
The video does show that when you get involved with someone, I think especially online, you have no idea who you are letting into your life. And by this I mean your entire life. It does not affect just you. You are potentially jeopardizing everyone …your spouse, family, co-workers. You really don’t know anything about this person. How many people have gotten into relationships online and the OP wasn’t even the gender they thought they were talking with!
I love my husband. I hate the OW. I have not and will not resort to violence. I will not forget this. Actions have consequences. I will be an intrusion in her life when and for as long as I want to be. I did nothing wrong. They did. I am doing this to help me.
just because–thank you.
I wish I would have had this site when it first started a little over 4 years ago at our first D day. There is really so much I have on my mind that it may scare people…LOL I started reading and have learned to cope on my own…some what I suppose. For a long time, it consumed me. I realized that I did not want it to define me. Despite what had been said and the things that were done to me, I did not want that to shape me into someone that I wasn’t. I am now living my life.
I guess I have kept quiet because I felt like an idiot. There was an 18 month period between D day 1 and D day 2. I was so stupid not to catch him in that time, all the signs were there. I was just really a HOT mess after the first time. I was everything that I have read about on this site after the time I found out. After the second time, BOOM! I was pissed! No more crying about please don’t leave me and all that. I saw red and I told him that was enough. You have reached my breaking point and if she is that important, go. I never cried a tear, I finally stood up and told him that I can and will survive and he shouldn’t let the door hit him in the arse on the way out.
We have four sons to raise and I can do that on my own too. So go, go and have your cake and eat it too. Just don’t expect me to be here waiting. I don’t get it, but after that, he changed. He completely cut off contact with her and that was that.
I still hurt though. I have triggers and he makes me crazy at times with his lack of memory of it all because I still want answers and need to go over things occasionally. He seems to have developed amnesia and he does not like to talk about it. February 13th will be our two year anniversary of D day 2 (yeah, Happy Valentines Day to me). February 19th will be the 5 year anniversary of my Mother’s death. This time of year is hard on me, but I plan to be a trooper and march on….I hope. 🙂
I hear you LivingMYlifenow. My H decided that while my mother was diagnosed with heart blockage and thyroid cancer and my Grandma was deathly ill, it was a good time to have an EA. There was valentines day and our anniversary during that time as well so lots of triggers going on this time of year. Your doing an awesome job after two DDays. I don’t think I could forgive two of them.
So sorry KelBelly, sounds like your H was as thoughtful as mine! Nothing like a big punch in the gut when you are already down, huh? Thanks for your words of encouragement. I know if others can survive this, I can too.
My mom passed young, she was just 63. She had fought breast cancer twice and then developed cancer again as well as Alzheimer’s. I found out I was pregnant 3 days after burying my Mom. I didn’t get a chance to grieve because I had to pull myself together for my baby. I thought I did good, I stopped smoking cold turkey immediately and really pulled it together. I was horribly ill during my pregnancy (high bp and gestational diabetes). I fought hard and had a healthy baby. My Mom would have been so proud of how I handled it all.
Fast forward 8 months and I found out DD 1. Out of the blue, never saw it coming. How do they do that? My mom had just passed, a new baby and I thought life was going well. Everyone anticipated I would fall apart after losing my mom and I didn’t. I even quit smoking and lost 40 pounds.
Needless to say, I never grieved for my Mom and when I found out about his EA, I finally grieved for both and still do.
He is a good man, he works hard and loves our sons. He has really started treating me with more respect. I guess I still hold a grudge because he shattered the image I had for our lives. I have a hard time swallowing that we will never be what I thought we were. I just take it one day at a time. When I go to bed, I know I am where I am because of hard work and it is where I am supposed to bed. If he ever chooses that path again, I know where he won’t be and I will be okay. I choose to have faith, trust is still to hard to give out freely.
I guess there really is no time that’s good for an affair so they figure now is as good a time as ever lol! I am sorry for the loss of your mother. I was crushed at even the thought of losing mine. I just couldn’t imagine trying to deal with that and my H’s affair.
My H is the same. Hard worker, great Dad. He just lost sight of everything good in his life after Iraq. It took seven years for him to finally melt down to that point and to ask for help. We have had some ups and downs but so far things are going really good in his recovery. I wished it would of never gone to this point but on the other side I am truly happy with where our marriage is now.
In May I found a used condom wrapper in my husbands suitcase – it was inside a bag of toiletries. He claimed no knowledge. I had myself tested and received a false positive for herpes 2. For two weeks I thought I was starting over and would have to tell every man I dated that I could make him ill. Luckily I found a better test (that better differentiates Herpes 1 & 2) and was relieved to learn I do not have HSV2. When I finally told my H he just looked inconvenienced and said “you’re fine.”
He also threatened me when I confronted him about the OW. He said I would never see him again and that he would destroy our small nonprofit. I just discovered they started up again and now it is a PA as well. I would be lieing if I said I am not afraid of what will happen when I ultimately confront him. I am very frightened. I think this arrangement works for him as it is stuck in a limbo of romantic stolen moments. If her husband knew (she has 2 kids and is a stay-at-home mom) the game would change.
Disappointed, this is emotional bullying. Only you can decide if this is something you can live with or not. At the heighth of his affair, my husband used to threaten to just walk away from work. It always back me right down, as I pictured us losing our income and our house and having a very bleak future. NOW? I wish I had called him out on it, because I am VERY sure he was bluffing to get me to back off. I was getting uncomfortably close to the truth of the affair, which at that time he was clearly not ready to give up.
Of course this is working for him! He has his cake and he is eating it too. He gets to have his comfortable home life and he gets to carry on his affair. You are stronger than you think. You deserve to be put FIRST in YOUR HUSBAND’s life. I wish you peace and blessings.
Disappointed, I would run as fast as you could to the nearest Divorce Attorney and I would tell the OW husband. You H is trying to control the situation and have his cake and eat it too. Threats are not a good marriage and you deserve better.
Well in a moment of Anger, I sent the OW’s BIL and Sister a facebook message about what she was up to. I am not friends with either of them and it went to their Other message folder that doesn’t show on your main page.
Well BIL just found it two days ago and contacted me. I sent him the whole packet of printed messages between the OW and my H and me to him so I am sure he will show them to the OW H and I must say that this has actually brought a calming effect to me.
I think in her H knowing she will quit her sneaking around and trying to contact my H in ways that she doesn’t think we know it is her. Whatever happens, she has it coming and I don’t feel one bit bad about it.
WOOTWOOOT KELBEL
This made my day! I hope the H does find out and make her life miserable. OK now don’t go feeling all guilty about it. One point for the underdogs 🙂
I second the WOOT WOOT! I don’t think these SKANKS should get to destroy our lives and walk away with ZERO consequences. Suffering the fallout of your poor choices is sometimes the ONLY way people learn NOT to make such devastating choices again!
tryinghard, that is one thing I will never feel over all this. That is my H’s and the OW’s emotion to feel! The only thing it has made me feel is calm finally. She will now get a taste of what her actions caused! 🙂
Kel,
I, too, got a sense of relief after sending the OW my “I Hate You Letter.” I told her H within 24 hours of D-Day.
Good for you for being strong. You hold your head up, kid, and keep us informed. 🙂
Justbecause,
I think it has come at a really good time for him to find out. We are coming up on a year since I found out and now she will get a shock as I did many months ago. It took me a few months to get over the I don’t want to hurt her family thing but then the anger kicked in and I said screw that lol!!
If by telling her H about her online flings saves another married couple from dealing with this pain, then I will feel even better about my choice 🙂
Well it’s a year gone by and my EW and her OM are dating I have a new girlfriend who is the total opposite to my EW.
But I can relate to all of the above comments, I found out because, she decided to leave one night saying she needed space that we weren’t working, so I was at home and in dire straights, calling my family who are in another country, by the way that sucks not being able to see or get some fce time when you go through these times. I did not know where she went so I logged into our apple account and decided to use the find iPhone app. Well it turns out she went and stayed with a friend of mine male friend the OM, well that last all weekend she didn’t come home till Sunday at 10pm when she left on Friday at 4pm, well I went to see the priest to talk things through and told him where she was etc, he was not impressed that she went to another mans house (oh and to confuse me she left her car at a female friends house all weekend nice touch to make me believe she was there) well that night we argued about it that she had gone to the OM house and said nothing went on and she just needed time away. Well she left that night for a hotel and I watched him turn up at that hotel as well after she got there.
Well she went away with work for the next week and came home on the Thursday night state in a hotel again he went and stayed again with her, I did not confront them, well she came home Friday and demanded that I leave the house so I packed a bag and left, well I packed so badly that I had nothing in that bag at all really, so Sunday morning I went back to the house to get some things for work the next week, and I found them in the bedroom together I was about to do something that I would have regretted I walked to the other room not but 10steps and her bolted out the door, she swore nothing ever happened between them but also kicked me completely out and never once tried to reconcile i went to councilors and bought many marrige help courses and books she filed for divorce I month after I moved out to the day, while I was away my neighbors kept texting and calling me to say that the guy was turning up after dark and leaving at the same time she did in the morning. I conforontrd her on this and she told me he was being supportive and just being there for her but something never added up, well we were always open about emails and texting etc passwords for the time we were married3 yrs and dating 2yrs well after I moved out I decided that I wanted to look at what she had been email well I saw an email inviting him to a slumber party clothing optional again I confronted her she said it was a joke and not to be taken that way, that day I knew I could never go back to her she had destroyed ever loving thought I had about her, well my attorney drew up a response to her papers and she went ballistic on me that I had an attorney and how could I ask for what I was asking it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary but she was all upset. She was arrogant to the point that it pussed me off so I decided to let her know that the neighbors had been keeping me upto date and the email was saved to my computer, I asked if she wanted a divorce that was equal to both of us or a long drawn out affair in her home town with details of the affair in court, she started to cry and agreed to the papers my attorney had drawn up, but not once through the whole time before and after divorce process did she ever admit she had cheated on me with this so called friend of mine, yes I know that we had problems before the affair but they were fixable; we were both to blame but I never ever went to someone else. Sorry for this being so long but I need to get everything in the post