Discussion: The Biggest Impact of the Affair
Posted on 08. Sep, 2010 by Doug in Dealing with Infidelity, Discussion
Hello everyone!
A marital affair can have a myriad of lasting effects on all parties involved. The betrayed spouse is hurt in so many ways, but the affair can also have lasting effects on the cheating spouse as well as the affair partner. Not to mention the families of all of the above.
This weeks discussion will center on the subject of these effects. Whether you are the betrayed spouse, the cheating spouse or the affair partner… What is the single biggest impact that the affair has had on you? Feel free to explain in detail if you wish.
Please be sure to respond to each other’s comments!
Have a great day!
Doug & Linda
Related posts:
34 Responses to “Discussion: The Biggest Impact of the Affair”
Leave a Reply
Connect with us!
- Fearless Living – Living Without Excuses and Loving Without Regret
- Welcome to Emotional Affair Journey!
- Real Reasons the Emotional Affair Happened
- Discussion – Giving the Cheating Spouse Ultimatums
- The Cheater Needs to Remember the Emotional Affair Wasn’t So Great After All
- Ten Phases to Gain Forgiveness for Infidelity
- Discussion – Thoughts on Our Healing From Infidelity Survey
- After the Affair – Control the Affect of the Cheater’s Choices
- It’s Tough To Stop an Emotional Affair
- Discussion: Why Do Men and Women Cheat?
- Discussion: What Have You Learned About Yourself as the Result of the Affair?
- Welcome to Our Journey From an Emotional Affair!
- How it all started
- Helping Your Spouse With Healing After an Affair
- Getting ‘Unhooked’ from the Emotional Affair Addiction
- Real Reasons the Emotional Affair Happened
-
Doug: Thanks Saddenned. Let me know if you have any que...
-
rachel: Has anyone heard of the Mort Fertel approach? He ...
-
Saddenned: I like the new format...Getting used to it....
-
sillygirl: I feel your pain! My husband had an emotional aff...
-
DJ: Aida, you're absolutely right. My coach has said ...
-
Lynne: Vicky-My advice is that you both get to counse...
-
Vicky: I am leaving this post, because I am struggling se...
-
ppl
08. Sep, 2010
trust of course, what else can you answer? things that you would not think twice about in the past raise flags and make me want to distance myself. as someone with previous issues of abandonment, the issue of ea is exaggerated. particularly when spouse refuses to directly admit it although has goneout of way to “reform”. it can be as simple as all text messages from phone are deleted, question why you would go out of way to do that? statements from motherinlaw out of the blue that you both have been married too long. doesnt have to be much, maybe she is irritable one day and i will try to read what that means. how about accidently running into other person and her surprised hello seems a little too enthusiastic even though conversation cut short. i hear about investment of a life time in marriage and shared memories that cannot be duplicated. however betrayal is permanent too. dont have a selective memory.
NotBroken
08. Sep, 2010
ppl… I question everything that comes out of his mouth these days. Even stupid ridiculous things raise a red flag for me. Trust is such an amazing thing. I never valued it before. Now it’s my top priority. My marriage is quickly going no where. I’m so confused. When will it go back to normal? When will we be like a normal couple? I wish I could have answers. Trust is so important to me, more so now than ever. I’m not sure I’ll ever trust like before. I’m so tired of questioning everything.
Michael
08. Sep, 2010
The biggest impact on me has to be the inability to trust my wife. The constant notion that she is and always will be lieing to me. Its been 9 months since I found out and I know she lied about it the whole time. New discoveries keep popping up and new lies to cover the old ones.
She has done nothing to build that trust. And I don’t even know what to believe anymore or what I’m looking for from her.
She still lies to me and to herself about the extent of her feelings for him. She tells me she didn’t feel those strong feelings for him. Yet his and her messages that I read say different.
The number of text in one month out weigh the number of text we have had in the last 9 months. The 2 to 3 hour phone calls. We haven’t even had a one hour conversation about her affair.
The lieing to me and our therapist about stopping communications all while she was using other phones. And the resurgence of activity to her phone from restricted numbers. Just to name a few.
One of the things that hurts the most is that after I told her of our (him and I) text communications she still wanted him. His text that show how little he cared for her (very demeaning remarks about her)and his desire for her to leave me.
She even planned to go see him again after that. While sitting in the therapist office with a straight face she told the therapist she hadn’t talked to him. Just after talking with him that day at work. She told me she had to go to the show she worked in his town to know that she could trust herself. What a joke. She had a pass waiting for him at the show. She even planned on staying an extra day to be with him.
I told her in early January that I wanted to trust her and I unlocked her phone. I told her I wanted to know if he called or if they talked at all. She thanked me for trusting her and that she would tell me if they talked again. Little did I know she was talking to him on other phones. She didn’t care if I trusted her or not. I don’t think she cares now.
Needless to say I’m in a bad mood. The ever lasting destruction that this has caused is compounded by her inability to work through it with me. I don’t know if the one year mark will be something that I can get through alone or not.
ruth
08. Sep, 2010
I would have to say trust also. No matter how I try I cant trust him. So many lies, I have to agree that I am always wondering when he is telling me something that there is not a motive. After 2 yrs of his affair, I really dont know how long it will take for me to trust him again. When I trusted him he betrayed me more than once. We are working on it. I think I just dont want to be caught again with my gurard down. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever heal again. After 7 mos since D day I still check everything, his phone, his miles on his car, his email, when will I be able to stop, I dont know. I never did that before. I do have to admit I check less offten now but I still do.
ppl
08. Sep, 2010
have stopped checking. no point to it. if i dont feel secure without being a spy, than what is the point? other than an i gotcha confrontation, you will never be happy. will not fear her being with someone else. if it happens, i will be happy to move on. if it doesnt happen and i am insecure still, i will also move on. its not her job to make me feel secure, but its also not my job to stay in a relationship when i dont.
NotBroken
08. Sep, 2010
ppl… I’ve stopped checking like before, but I do check a lot. I’m sick and tired of checking and asking about his whereabouts. I’m exhausted. There’s really no point in checking so often, if they want to cheat again they will. I can’t stop him. And I’m not his mother, I can’t treat him like a damn child forever. This is such utter bullshit to live this way.
Deflated
08. Sep, 2010
I would have to say the biggest impact of my husbands EA is learning more about myself and how self-destructive my insecurities prior to the EA held me back from enjoying what I had in front of me all along.
Prior to my husbands EA, he was the only person I allowed to get close to me on all levels. After my 1st marriage ended I was very distrusting of men. Then I met my 2nd husband and he changed the way I viewed men and most importantly how I viewed him. I have to admit that I didn’t completely trust my husband even after all the things he did to show me how much I meant to him but he was the closest anyone has ever gotten to me.
My husband knows that he lost my trust and will have to work even harder to regain what he lost. He also knows that it will take a long time for me to allow him to get to the point where he was before the EA but he is willing to do whatever it takes to get it back and more.
My mistake was holding back which prevented me from getting closer to him and him to me. I did not understand the importance of bonding and attachment that my husband needed and that I needed as well.
We are both learning from our past mistakes and we are rebuilding and reinforcing our relationship/marriage so that it doesn’t happen again.
I found this poem that describes what I had been doing and not realizing that it had been there all along:
“You’ve spent your whole life running and running, trying to catch up with something that has never been there for you. And all you’ve done is go farther and farther away from the precious love that’s been waiting for you all the time.”
I’ve decided to stop running….
Doug
08. Sep, 2010
I believe the biggest impact of the affair is the reality that its existence will always be a part of my life. It is almost like living with a terrible disease, you always have some reminder that you are not healthy. Everyday a memory or insecurity will pop up out of nowhere and I have to fight the urge to allow that feeling to ruin my day. I feel that I am constantly making the choice to allow myself to dwell on this and be upset all day or will I be strong and fight the feeling. The biggest impact is that I feel I always have to be strong, if I don’t I may spiral into a depression. I feel I always have to be proactive, working toward the best marriage possible so this will never happen again. I guess the biggest impact is that the affair is always in the back of my mind, teasing me with the pain and memories. I didn’t know that something could be so powerful and so difficult to dissolve. I wonder if it will always be a part of me. Linda
NotBroken
08. Sep, 2010
Linda – I couldn’t have said it better myself. The biggest annoyance is that I will have to live with this forever. And I’m not sure I want to do that. Trust is another problem, something that will never be there fully again. I may trust him in some ways, but it will never be that blind trust like it was before. Having to battle these memories is a huge problem for me. I’m not sure if it’s worth fighting for anymore.
ppl
09. Sep, 2010
becareful not just current mood of course. i find that negative vibes generate negative vibes as well. make it a point not to be negative if i can but also recognize that marriage isnt dead yet so i will not mourn it yet. its not your husband or my wifes job to make us feel secure because that causes fatigue and resentment on their part. however they can be sensitive to our needs especially since it was their actions precipitating it. just as i am considering potential exit points, i am sure my wife must be too. knowing your options and “working on yourself” makes you stronger knowing that every marriage is not magical and everyone, other than child, brother, parent is replaceable.
NotBroken
09. Sep, 2010
ppl… what makes you think your wife is considering divorce just like you?
jay
03. Oct, 2010
Well it been a while since I have written so this is quite hard for me. I decided a few months ago that the pain was to hard to live with and I would rather not. I was tired of crying and being so sad that not living was a better alternative. Thankfully the thought of what it would do to my children and a really great therapist stopped me from ending the pain in this way. I don’t know who I am any more. I live a life of Jekyl and Hyde. By day I am a good mom, caring wife, successful business woman and when the day is done and I am left alone with me I am a broken person. My husband is trying really hard. He has had no contact with the OW since I found out (or so he says) and is caring and supportive. He calls me constantly to see how I am doing and really tries to be there for me. But at the end of the day I just feel so broken. And the hardest part is wondering if I will always feel this way.
Doug
03. Oct, 2010
Jay, I admire your courage and appreciate that you have commented because I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. I can tell you that there were times when I didn’t want to live through another day of pain, was tired of being strong and thought about doing anything to make it go away. Thankfully something happens that reminded me that I was needed, loved and would be greatly missed if I wasn’t around. I know what you are going through is unfair, you feel that the pain and wonder if you will ever be yourself again. I can tell you it takes a lot of time and you have so much in your favor. You have a husband who is being supportive and caring, a good therapist and a wonderful family. One suggestion I can make is to remember who you were before the affair. I was grieving the loss of that person, and trying to be someone I wasn’t. Sometimes we are focusing on the affair and our marriage so much that we forget who we are. Try to do things that make you feel alive again, that are just for you.Another suggestion is it is ok to be unhappy and cry. I was having a really bad week and a good friend reminded me that it is ok to be upset, you have been through something terrible and you are still grieving the loss of your marriage. It felt so good for someone to give me the permission to feel upset and sad. I can tell you that you will not always feel the way you do , and with time you will find yourself again and a marriage that will work for you. I have wonderful days when I don’t think about the affair and my old “improved” self is back and I feel safe and secure and there are days that the pain and fear come flooding back. I have learned to live with it and have confidence that I will not be stuck in the feeling for long. I know that I will be ok. I will be thinking about you. Linda
NotBroken
03. Oct, 2010
Jay, you are not alone, for the last few days I have thought to myself how I could just end the pain. But my kids keep me strong, and I know that they need me, and my family needs me. It’s so hard. One minute I’m happy and the next I’m depressed. I feel like I lost control of my mind. But I also know that the feelings will pass. The intense sadness will come in flooding and then leave. Just take it one day at a time, it will get easier.
jay
09. Oct, 2010
Today was a hard day. My youngest daughter who is battling severe generalized anxiety was sitting next to me in the car. We were on our way to pick up her friends to go Halloween Costume shopping (fun with a bunch of 15 year old girls). And we were sitting at a red light when she looked at me and said, why do you look so nervous and sad. I felt even sadder then, when I realized that this phony mask of happiness I wear, she somehow sees right through. It is moments like this that I wonder if they are better off without me.
Doug
09. Oct, 2010
Jay, they will not be better off with out you. I just hate seeing you this way. Even though you are trying your best to keep up a front, I am sure they can see the sadness in your eyes. You need to be an example to your daughter and prove to her that even though you are going through a very rough time, you are strong and you will survive. Do not let her know that there are any other choices, you need to keep getting up every morning and be the best person you can be. You will be ok. Someday you will realize that all of this had a purpose and you will come out of this being a better woman, wife and mother. Please do not think that everyone would be better off without you. I promise you that with time you will see that all your pain and sadness has a meaning. Please stop dwelling on the past and think about all the blessing that you have right now. I guarantee that will you can really think things through, and some of the dust has settled you will realize that it was all worth it. Doug and I had a wonderful day together and I looked at him and thought I couldn’t love him anymore than I do right now, I have really tried to let it all go and focus on the man I have before me – faults and all. He has made so many changes to make this right. Isn’t that what we really want? Please look at your husband and think about what he has done to change the behaviors that led to his affair. Those changes will help you move beyond your pain and look to a better future. Linda
Last2know
09. Sep, 2010
It has made me and my H grow individually and together. It has changed my marriage for the better. He communicates more now than ever and verbalizes how happy he is and how he feels (we both do and without fear). I am stronger than ever. I don’t do everything to “please others” anymore. I have given my heart back to my husband and I have to trust him or what’s the point of staying married. Not being able to trust is very stressful. He knows if he breaks my heart again its over. There will be no question. I love him but I won’t ever be betrayed again. The EA has changed our lives completely and it’s never been better. It’s been a year and it does still hurt sometimes. I take two steps forward and one step back on somedays but that is something I have to work on. Everything is a blessing from God even the bad. I have to believe that.
ppl
09. Sep, 2010
not sure, never discussed. sometimes off handed statements made. like married long time etc. irritable at times, upset at kids at times, subtle things. how can one know what goes on is someone elses mind. comes back to trust. if your not sure chances are they are not sure. if your unhappy how can spouse be happy? if we were all that good at acting we would all have lucrative movie contracts. but it doesnt really matter ultimately. experience has taught me that one can never be sure. remember the one with the power in a relationship is the one that cares the least.
LizS
09. Sep, 2010
I would have to say loosing the trust! I don’t know how to get it back! He tells me all the time if you don’t trust me them why are you still here? Well Im glad that he asks me but so far I don’t have the answer for that. How do you give trust to someone who had it and ran through hell and back with it? I guess the hardest part for me is thinking that there would never be anyone else but me and to know that there was and could be makes me think does he even deserve my trust? Call me crazy….but I don’t know how to trust him!
Time_You_Can't_Get_Back
13. Sep, 2010
@ppl “will not fear her being with someone else. if it happens, i will be happy to move on. if it doesn’t happen and i am insecure still, i will also move on. its not her job to make me feel secure, but its also not my job to stay in a relationship when I don’t.”
This hit straight home for me (the whole post actually). I lost trust. Something that it takes years to develop before any wrong doing has been done. Why do I feel trapped here being insecure… Insecure about my time. I cannot get my time back. When my H had his affair, I wasn’t happy either. I was miserable , I didn’t like our relationship , I wanted an escape, something different (something that he said she offered) a blissful high, (something I call his Emotional Affair)
but I continued to try and work it out, stay loyal like a good wife/husband would do. I knew that being /connecting with someone else wasn’t going to cut it, I understood that if I was to get involve with another guy it wasn’t going to be worth it ,just a temporary fix that wasn’t going to worth the burning bridges that it would create. I knew everything new was always going to be good and fun but what happens when the real character develops.. I knew all of this and wasn’t going to risk the trust he has for me , I KNEW It wasn’t worth destroying our family.. I was smart enough to know this.. But while he was out having fun, enjoying the tempting cloud 9 , I was stuck on ground. tired,trying to smile when I didn’t want to smile, act fine when things were sour.. I cant get back my time. He could have told me about the affair and I would have been happy to move on instead of wasting my time trying to make something work that he had no interest in doing at the time of his emotional affair.
Its been almost 10 months since the emotional affair and trusting him not to waste my time is my biggest concern.
My question for all of you is.. When do you quit staying in a relationship when you don’t feel secure (honestly, I think thats what lack of trust is after an affair ..NOT being secure with yourself/marriage)? When do you think about whats better for YOU, not the kids/house/money/what others will think etc..
Doug
13. Sep, 2010
Time-you-can’t-get-back, Your comment really hit home, I felt the same way you did at the beginning of Doug’s affair, I too was unhappy but knew going elsewhere would not fill the void and make me happy. I kept trying to make things better and eventually I think I gave up and stopped trying, not knowing that Doug was involved with someone else. He kept doing things to distance himself for me, finally I became so frustrated I became to distance myself from him also. I also understand all the time you put in trying to pick up the pieces from the affair, often times I thought I was the one who had the affair because I was the one working so hard to fix our marriage while Doug believed the only effort he had to make was end the affair. Feeling insecure became a way of life and I hated feeling that way. It effected my mind and my body. Eventually Doug woke up from his fog and realized that he had done a lot of damage and it wasn’t going away unless he made an effort to build the trust in our relationship. He also had to think about his affair, and the mistakes he made in our marriage. It has been a long process, much longer than I thought I had the patience and strength for but it has been worth it. There were so many times when I wanted to walk away believing it would be better, that I would finally feel safe and secure. I don’t think those feeling would have suddenly disappeared, they would have come with me. I have learned that it is something I have to work out, I have to feel secure within myself, because I had stopped trusting myself. Your husband will have to work on the trust in your relationship and if he fails to do so then you have to make a decision whether to stay or leave. Linda
Michael
13. Sep, 2010
Sometimes I feel secure in the fact that I will never feel secure. Or as she has put it “never get through this”. I don’t feel I know my wife anymore. And I don’t know if she will ever be out of that fog.
Doug
13. Sep, 2010
Michael, What do you think is causing her to stay in the “fog?” Is she showing signs of depression or anything like that? It’s been several months, if I’m not mistaken, since she ended the affair. Are there no signs that she wants to work on your marriage?
ppl
13. Sep, 2010
thats the rub. sometimes i feel stronger able to overlook flaws but other times i believe i am weak not seeking what i should, afraid to take a chance. when is the time. i know i would never look at others before but do wonder about others at times now. if i do move on, it will not be with an affair but will leave first. my goal is to see last child to college, in three years but if it gets too painful, cant say i would not move sooner.
LizS
13. Sep, 2010
Linda-My question is does a cheater deserve the trust you already gave them open and freely? I get the fact that we all make mistakes but to hurt someone that loves and trusts you this much do they ever really deserve to have the trust you once gave them?
Doug
13. Sep, 2010
LizS, no I believe they have to earn that trust back. I trusted Doug completely before the affair, now I have to learn to trust him again. Doug has done a good job making himself transparent. He knows what upsets me and he tries his best not to do anything that would cause me to feel insecure. (not walking away when on the phone, leaving his phone out and open, assess to emails etc.
I am also aware that something could be happening right under my nose and I may not know it. I have learned to have confidence and trust myself. I know that if anything happens again I will walk away. Before I felt that I was to blame for Doug’s affair, I learned much later that we were equally to blame. However I felt that I needed to do everything I could to save our marriage, I wanted to make this right. If it happens again I will know that I did everything I could to be a good wife and I won’t allow another betrayal to take my life away from me. I will be ok, I know I will survive. Linda
JR
16. Sep, 2010
I am in the midst of going through the hurt of an EA that my wife is having. I can tell you that the sense of betrayal is the most hurtful along with the evasiveness and “its just a friendship” excuse. I discovered this 5 months ago when I felt that she was spending so much time texting and I looked at the cell bill for the first time in 19 years of marriage. What a shock to see the amount of time that was devoted to talking to a “friend”. Then I came across some emails that were clearly not indicative of just a pure friendship. There have been a number of secret phones for communication but she contends the phone is for her to feel as though she has some privacy which is not something I believe. Trust is hard to give back when there is no apparent attempt to earn it back. We are in therapy now and I want to forgive, move on, and work on other issues that we have to work out and at the same time I want to be a better spouse for her but find it difficult as I believe the contact continues via her alternate phone. As I read previously, I believe you need to set a timeline for yourself and assess progress towards the spouse dealing with the situation or lack thereof. My therapist suggested this as a way of not thinking of the issue as having to be fixed now but more like a progression. The hard part is determining how long you can emotionally stay on that timeline. At what point do you focus on the “You”, and not guilt about the kids, stigma of failure, loss of what you have worked so hard for, and loss of someone you love dearly? I am still trying to answer that for myself. Unfortunately, I do not have mentally capable spouse (or maybe willing) to take the steps to openness and cutting the ties yet.
Doug
16. Sep, 2010
JR, Thanks for sharing your story and welcome. I think that it is never too soon to start working on you–rediscovering yourself if you will. You should not feel the guilt of the affair as it was not your fault. True, perhaps you contributed to the void that may have been missing in your relationship, but she was the one who chose to have the affair. We have a few posts on this subject in the blog, but you might want to start here: http://www.emotionalaffair.org/surviving-infidelity-rediscover-yourself/
jay
10. Oct, 2010
My daughter cut herself last night. Not by mistake. She said she doesn’t want to live anymore. I have tried to be a good wife and a good mother and I am abviously a failure at both. How could anyone love me.
Doug
10. Oct, 2010
Jay, I am not a therapist but I believe your daughter is crying out to you, she is afraid and she needs you show her that you will be ok. She has depended on you to be her rock, to help her through the hard times and now she sees that you are going through a rough time and is very afraid that you can’t be that person for her. She have not failed as a mother, quite the opposite because you have always been there for her. Be honest with her, let her know that you are having a difficult time, but that you are a very strong woman and you will conquer this. Tell her you will always be there for her and it is ok to be afraid. Tell her what you are doing to move forward with your life. Sometimes you can’t hide the unhappiness and it is better to be completing honest with the people you love. The fear of the unknown is more difficult to handle than the reality. Stop being so hard on yourself, you have been a good mother and wife. Linda
jay
14. Oct, 2010
Linda: Thanks so much for the boost of confidence. Every day when I think I just can’t take another minute I think of your words and remind myself that I need to be an example for her. Some how that always gives me the strength to move forward. And you are right, I know my husband made a mistake but he is trying so hard to make things right. Sometimes I just tell him now, I might still be a little mad at you but I do still Love you. And he reminds me that we will get through this together. God I hope so.
Kate
15. Oct, 2010
Please, please, please get some professional help for your daughter soon! Any kind of counselor that she can open up to and get her feelings out in a healthy way. Cutting is very common in teens as a means of dealing with stress, and can be taken further to suicide if they don’t feel they have any other outlet.
I don’t want to scare you more than you already are, but please make sure she has access to a professional that she can talk to on a regular basis. None of this is a reflection on your ability to parent, it’s just real life and sometimes real life hurts. (Don’t we all know that here!)
*hugs*
jay
16. Oct, 2010
Thanks Kate: We have her going to a therapist and she is now on anxiety medication. I know that cutting is an outlet for pain, you are right and it makes me so sad to know that she has so much pain right now. I guess those of us who understand real deep pain, understand.
Pauline
23. Oct, 2010
The thing I got out of my husbands EA is that I realized that I don’t know this man that I have been married to for 35 years and I have depended much too much on him for my happiness. I don;t think he even cares about all the pain I am in.How I crave for him to reassure me that it’s going to be okay or to make me feel thathe cares even a liile for me. I dislike myself for loving him so much and I feel like a fool for even giving him a chance to mske things right. Why can’t I love me as much as I love him. He did this to me and tous yet he acts like he is the victom. How can he act like everything is ok and why isn’t he doing all that he can to work on this marriage? or at least work on himself as I am trying to do. I am the one who is a basket case not knowing if I am going to make it from one minute to the next. Why was I so blinded to jus how selfish and self righteous heis. Yet i love this person. What does that say about me?