Happy Wednesday!
The use of cell phones, Facebook and other forms of social media have really gotten out of hand in my opinion. It’s rare these days to go somewhere and not see the majority of people walking around with their smart phones stuck to the end of their nose. Even rarer to pass a car where the driver isn’t yakking or texting to someone on their phone. And regardless of your age, it seems that most everyone you talk to will eventually mention their addictive behavior to Facebook.
It seems to me that people are forsaking good old fashioned face-to-face communication for some sort of electronic speaking instead. Heck, our daughters are in high school and they are courted and asked out on dates via text as opposed to being asked in person or even over the phone. It’s become a rare thing to find a young person who can actually carry on a conversation anymore!
We blogged about the prevalence of Facebook when it comes to infidelity before, and it just seems that things we have seen and heard recently indicate that it’s use- along with other social media, texting and email – have become even more prevalent for conducting various forms of cheating.
This leads to our discussion for this week…
What role has social media and technology played in your or your spouse’s affair?
Do you think that social media and technology play a role in erasing boundaries and increasing temptation?
How are you managing or monitoring these avenues that may lead to temptation?
Remember to respond to each other in the comments!
Thanks,
Linda & Doug
27 replies to "Discussion: Social Media, Technology and Infidelity"
What role has social media and technology played in your or your spouse’s affair?
My husband carried out his affair via the internet and cell phone. He texted this OW incessantly as well as chat on Facebook. The cell phone was the easiest way for them to communicate without anyone knowing. AT work, his peers probably thought that he was texting his wife, no questions asked. He texted alot when he was driving to and from work (30 minutes one way). He also has a job where he works 12 hour shifts in the winter plowing snow. This tends to get monotonous and the cell phone was able to fill that lull. I never questioned him at home when he texted, I trusted him.
How are you managing or monitoring these avenues that may lead to temptation?
I just the other day took the OW phone off of block on the cell. I blocked her number from our home phones and cell phones along with her home number and work number. I continue to check the call logs, although not as frequent as before. I monitor his computer usage. He will not fool me again. If he does, he will pay the price dearly.
Be careful. You can check on you like but my husband got another cell phone I did not know about from the OW and when he was not supposed to contact her… he was still talking 2 hrs. a day and texting all the time, and later found out seeing her all the while lieing to me… even when I asked straight out…” have you talked to her?” “Have you seen her?” – I was played and betrayed big time!
anotherone, What did you do then?
What Role did Social Media play? Social Media was the impetus for their EA. Facebook was how my DW and her ex- fiance reconnected. It moved to e-mail, then to cell texting, then to cell phone calls then to face-to-face meetings. When she began to act strange and cold, I knew something was amiss. Her cell phone records revealed the secret.
Social Media erasing boundaries ? I believe there is definitely a strong connection with social media forms and temptation. Remember, social media is faceless – it is easy to strike up a conversation and flirt when you don’t have to look the other person in the eye. It’s a shy person’s haven, a troubled person’s means of rekindling old flames, a predator’s way of “getting in”. Facebook Bad.
Monitoring: With DW’s permission, I blocked her cell from him just after D-Day. He ended up calling her at her work number to ask what was up after the block, as she kept away from him for about a week. She voluntarily removed him from Facebook and LinkedIn. I do monitor her phone records from time to time, there has been no further contact from what I can see. However, as I told her, there is no way I can keep the two of them from communicating. I can’t monitor every phone and e-mail account she has access to. Furthermore, our kids attend the same college (both are freshman) and I wonder if they will run into each other at some time on campus. In the end, she is responsible for her actions. She knows that if she restarts a meaningful relationship with him again, we will be done. She holds the cards.
I will add one more item about Social Media. Since D-Day, I have been more keen on using it to communicate with DW. I know she enjoys to flirt and tease during cell tests. She did this a lot with her ex. So I’ve added that to the mix. It’s just another way of showing her that I am committed to us by meeting her wants/needs.
Anyone else ?
I have also began using texting to communicate with my H throughout the day. At first I rejected this idea, but he really likes this & I agreed to give it a try. So far so good, actually though I haven’t admitted this to him I am enjoying the communication. He has much more time to text throughout the day where I do not so it is not anywhere near the frequency he had with the OW.
As with any relationship the social media relationship has a line that should not be crossed. Because it is so new, not everyone realizes that & can easily be seen as innocent.
I’m a big fan of social media, and I believe it has brought people closer, not further apart. In fact, a recent study showed that people who were active in social media had more real-life friends, closer social contacts, and a better outlook on nearly everything.
That said, clearly it has made having an affair easier. It has also made affairs much easier to discover.
Bottom line: Affairs have always happened, and, unfortunately, always will… You just can’t blame it on the internet.
I agree that it can help for people to connect and communicate, but I also think that people use it as a tool at times when personal face-to-face or voice-to-voice communication is more appropriate. I think that we are raising a generation that has serious interpersonal communication problems.
Not meaing to stir the pot, however, I must agree with Doug. My daugher last month had over 8000 text messages to friends. Why not just call on the phone or walk down the street and talk to one of those friends in person ? I can’c count how many times we are having a conversation with our daughter and her cell phone buzzes. Of course she stops, reads her text and replies. We are workong on that issue.
My DW had no contact with her ex-fiance for nearly 20 years. However, Facebook and its attraction of “building” your friends base makes you stretch out to people you should just leave alone. I am convinced had it not been for Facebook, this EA and the turmoil it caused would have never happened.
My husband of 19 years reached out to his Colleage girlfriend ( who he dated for 1-2 years) through facebook. It lead him creating a secret email , texting and then phone calls. It lasted 6 weeks. If I did not stumble upon their texts messages when I did our marriage would have ended. Its been 8 months since the day. It was not a fun thing to go through. Believe it or not our marriage has never been better. He and I are no longer on Facebook. I think all this reconnecting is BS. The past should be left in the past. I hate all this social media stuff. Its the down fall of alot a marriages especially for the 15 plus year marriages. Thats just my opinon. 🙂
InTrouble,
Could you please point me in the direction where I can read about the study you mentioned? Thanks.
Agreed on both counts. When I was working in Peru for 6 weeks, I loved the fact that I could Skype friends and family, or talk to them via computer and cell phone. But I get rather ticked when someone texts me or e-mails instead of calling for something personal, and I think it also contributes to some of us not having appropriate boundaries in many ways. For example, I just got a text message and rather than finish this and then look at it, I’m immediately curious and distracted. This can definitely lead to messed up priorities…like you’re with your spouse having a nice conversation and one or the other of you is pulled away by the phone or other electronic device, thereby leaving the other one feeling…mm, fill in the blank. But like Melvin, my DH and I sometimes use texting to be playful and intimate, and for that, I’m happy
I would NEVER have built an emotional affair with someone in my real workplace, but when I started working from home and began networking on Twitter, I ended up flirting with someone within less than a month, and that relationship continued until I was caught nearly a year later.
There’s something very ambiguous about the boundaries on Twitter… are these people friends? Colleagues? Why is sexy banter so prevalent online when it would be clear harassment in person?
As for managing it now, I canceled my original Twitter account, and built a new one with a new screen name, and my new password is a reminder to me every time I log in that this must be a PROFESSIONAL forum for me from now on. I can still be me, I can still be funny, etc., but it’s NOT a place where anything goes and nothing really counts. I’m sorry I learned that lesson at such a cost to my partner.
C, excellent post. I had to learn about boundaries the hard way, too. Now I would rather be perceived as standoffish than to give the wrong perspective.
Since I firmly believe my H’s EA is part of a midlife crisis I am not sure if the lack of social media would have stopped him. My H had EA via our family cell phone plan, then via a track phone. He has a lot of down time during his job & he filled in this time with the OW.
I cannot stand the site of the track phone laying around, so I asked him to take it away, it was a constant reminder to me of the EA. Now I am not sure I should have done that. However, because I do have control issues this is a good test for me too. There are days when I want that phone & others when I feel that building trust in this way is good. But I admit when it does show up I check the usage, it has not changed in 3 weeks.
As I stated to Melvin, social media relationships, just like any other relationship, have a line that should not be crossed. I am a fan of social media & have not let my H’s EA effect my contributions. Social media like anything else has good and bad points, the user has the control.
Have any of you used SpyBubble for cell phones? I’m interested to hear about this means of following cell phone/text activity.
I looked into it but it only works on smart phones that have certain operating systems. None of our phones qualify. You have to load a piece of SW on the phone in question so you need to get the phone and unlock it. From what other users claim, the person using the phone may be able to tell a difference during phone conversations with Spy Bubble enabled.
*What role has social media and technology played in your or your spouse’s affair?
Without social media my husband’s affair would never have taken place. For the most part it happened over IM, I never would have known anything was going on as they never text’d or called each other. She approached him over IM and pursued him that way. Unfortunately he fell into the trap she set and followed suit. It saddens me just how easy it is to use technology this way and just how quickly the boundaries can get crossed.
*Do you think that social media and technology play a role in erasing boundaries and increasing temptation?
They do, you are just an avatar or number on the other end of a electronic line. You can be somebody you’re not and do things you wouldn’t do in person because you think you can get away with it, nobody will ever know. It simply very easy to take innocent/playful friendships to another level.
*How are you managing or monitoring these avenues that may lead to temptation?
My husband only has one phone, our family plan (he uses it for work as well) so I can see all his usage at any time. If I want to he gives me full access to his computer; e-mail, IM, Facebook, Twitter. He has no privacy now and doesn’t hesitate to be transparent with his going-ons online, I sit next to him and will watch over his shoulder without complaint from him, he hands over his phone anytime I ask. I don’t check them nearly as often as I once did but once a week or so I ask and he hands it over.
I wonder how either one of you can stand to live that way? 🙁
*What role has social media and technology played in your or your spouse’s affair?
I too know my H went thru a horrific time of mid-life crisis – but I never knew it as it was all secretive with all the ‘other women…but, without the sneaky emails, cell & texting especially – I don’t know how far my H’s affairs would’ve gotten – or how fast. MAJOR triggers are my H’s cell, Facebook & of course, the email which – when monitored – dredged up his past & then-present multiple emotional affairs: in attempts to block the aggressive PA partner, I discovered years of EA partners.
*Do you think that social media and technology play a role in erasing boundaries and increasing temptation?
Boundaries are the character of one’s own person – boundaries can be agreed upon & set but easily crossed. Betrayed Spouses Beware: when you think you have gotten a handle on monitoring emails, text & cell records – even Facebook, there are other many other secret & devious ways the OP can communicate with your spouse – in ways you may NEVER see nor know about (unless you happen to be sitting at their PC when the ‘pop-up’ arrives – and if you then know how to ‘sign in…’) There are over 25 IM account types. Just found out that OP ‘created’ a ‘Meebo’ account between she & my H – this was AFTER i discovered their affair: this was how they were able to ‘chat,’ without my knowing. SHE set it up for him – all OP needs to know is their email account (just the address itself) and the chats NEVER hit the email account. Boundaries truly ARE the character of one’s own person.
*How are you managing or monitoring these avenues that may lead to temptation?
Knowledge is power – but I will never know all the sneaky means/avenues – even though I’ve become quite the detective (and I hate this new role in life I’ve been pushed into…)
As it relates to the multitude of opportunities to take risks on the internet, I would appreciate any feedback/advice on the following…….
First, my Fiance’ has has lied to me multiple times about interactions with a female friend of his. Over a seven year span he has met with her without telling me, lied about who was calling him on the phone (it was her!), and other ommissions. In spite of my asking to meet her, this never happened. Since I caught him in several lies and brought this out in the open , he has now ended this “friendship”. I suspect this is because it no longer holds the same excitement.
I have told him that I want for us to have complete honesty and transparency in our relationship. He says that he agrees and is committed to the same.
Fast forward to two days after we had the “honesty and transparency conversation”……he joined an adult (sex) dating site. He has an active profile and has viewed women 2-3 times, but without contacting any of them. On the other hand, there are droves of women contacting him on his profile! I haven’t shared with him that I know about his profile, as I am watching and waiting to determine what he’s up to and what I plan to do about it.
The internet has clearly become a world of fantasy for many people, and I suspect that for some men, they would not consider this a form of cheating. You know, “I haven’t done anything, I’m just looking at the pictures” etc.
How do any of you view this behavior of joining adult sites? Do you see it as a form of cheating? How would you approach your partner if you became aware of this (particularly when you found it without their knowledge)?
This one is a slippery slope. A select few join adult sites to learn more in order to spice up their marriage. Most people join adult sites to partake. It’s not truly cheating until connections are made. And that’s the object of joining in the first place (for most). This is what I mean by a slippery slope. It’s better not to begin, before you get yourself in too deep. Play with fire and you will get burned. I would monitor the situation more and see where it leads before confronting him. Might want to capture some information about his doings on the site if you can for future reference.
How did you find out he is on an Adult Web site?
Thanks for your response! I am curious as to what things one will learn on “adult dating sites” that will spice up their marriage? I can understand that this might be true of porn sites (something I don’t have a problem with at all, as I persoanlly don’t see them as cheating!), but posting a profile on a sex dating site seems quite different to me. In this case, this is his info on a dating site, where women looking for sex are responding to him (winking, wanting to chat, sending him emails, etc). It’s possible that he was only looking out of curiousity, but it is still on the site as an “active profile”. Given the former dishonesty from him, I may be more sensitive about this than most might be, yet again it is something that was done in secrecy and is directed a “real women”, who are looking for discreet sexual encounters. I also know that were this something I had done, and he were to find out about it, it would not sit well with him at all–I am not a big fan of these kinds of double standards!
There are some adult dating sites that specialize in BDSM. You have to be an active member in order to participate in conversation. I am not a part of that lifesyle but my good friend from the city is.
From the outside looking in, it appears that your man is looking to hook up.
BlueSkyAbove, I’m sorry, I just saw your question. Here is the link http://pewresearch.org/pubs/2025/social-impact-social-networking-sites-technology-facebook-twitter-linkedin-myspace
This thread might just be the most depressing thing I’ve ever read.
I understand suspicion, but who can go forth thinking that simply the risk of getting caught will forever prevent a new or renewed affair?
Who can feel good about feeling compelled to spying at these levels?
I can’t believe that is a road map to a successful marriage, much less a happy life…
At least for me, I have no illusion that “the risk of getting caught will forever prevent a new or renewed affair”. We truly have no control over one another, as we each make our our own choices.
You are correct that “spying at these levels” is not something one can feel good about, however, going forward blindly is also not a comfortable choice (especially when there has been prior proof of lying and deceit with another woman).
In my case, other than being a good partner, there is nothing I can do to prevent the man in my life from pursing a PA or SA. I can only choose how I respond to his choices/actions. As one who is not yet married to this man, I’m spending a great deal of introspective time deciding whether this is where I want to be.
Part of deciding this is to continue to be aware of his behaviors/patterns. In other words, does he truly understand the pain and betrayal he has caused and will not repeat it (did he get the lesson?), or is this behavior at the core of who he really is. Having hidden interactions with his “female friend” over several years, and “joining an adult sex dating site”, do suggest that it is quite possibly the latter!
What do you do when you catch him in a lie? Do you challange him?
I was told that he “didn’t feel my phone call” until he picked up the cell phone to call me but I checked the records today and he was on the phone with the OW when I called. It’s a new phone so maybe he didn’t hear the call waiting but I have asked several different ways and it’s always just that it was on vibrate and he didn’t feel it.
Why should I believe this is nothing more than a friendship when he has to lie???