This week we want to discuss whether or not you should tell the other person’s (OP’s) spouse about the affair.
Over the course of the last several months of doing this blog, we’ve encountered several instances where some of you have struggled with this dilemma.
What we’re referring to here is the issue of telling the other betrayed spouse that their husband/wife is having an affair with your spouse.
Some people may believe that it is none of their business to divulge this information and that it is the responsibility of the other cheater to handle it. It’s also a very hard thing to be the messenger for such traumatic and painful news. Do you want that responsibility?
Others may believe that not only is it the proper thing to do to inform the other betrayed spouse, it is an obligation to inform them of the affair in some fashion if they have knowledge that the other BS does not know about it. Often the right things to do are the hardest things to do, and being the bearer of bad news is no fun, but they have to be able to sleep at night.
So, here are some questions to consider for our discussion this week…
Should you tell about an affair? Why or why not?
Is it even your business or responsibility to do so?
What are the risks of telling the other betrayed spouse about the affair?
What should the intent of telling the other BS be – to punish the cheater, to help the unsuspecting BS or something else?
What if the shoe were on the other foot…would you want to be told of your spouse’s affair?
Any of you who have gone through this, please share your story. Why did you choose to tell or not to tell? For those that told, what was the resulting ‘fallout’?
Please remember to reply to one another in the comment section.
Thanks!
Linda & Doug
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85 replies to "Discussion – Should You Tell the OP’s Spouse About the Affair?"
Should you tell about an affair? Why or why not? Yes – it’s the right thing to do. No one told you and you were very upset by this.
Is it even your business or responsibility to do so? LOL – love this one. Well, it wasn’t OW/OM’s responsibility to make sure your spouse didn’t cheat, and most of us hate them for their part in the affair. The affair is your business, and again, it’s the right thing to do.
What are the risks of telling the other betrayed spouse about the affair? According to a cheater, everything. In reality, nothing.
What should the intent of telling the other BS be – to punish the cheater, to help the unsuspecting BS or something else? Doesn’t matter – the other BS deserves to know. Why you’re doing it is irrelevant.
What if the shoe were on the other foot…would you want to be told of your spouse’s affair? YES YES YES
Any of you who have gone through this, please share your story. Why did you choose to tell or not to tell? For those that told, what was the resulting ‘fallout’? I’ve told many times. There was no fallout, and I ended up getting some unknown info because of it. Also, I was no longer the only person watching to see if the EA continued
I think so!! They have every right to know what is going on behind their back. I told my husband’s affair partner’s husband and I have never regretted it. It made her accountable for her part in this mess and I hope she suffers immensely for it.
I wanted her husband to know so he would be aware of it on her end. Fair is fair. It was not his fault, but I would want to know if someone had this kind of information on my spouse. It also put a definite end to my husband corresponding with her. He has to be an open book with all of his email and social media accounts. There were no repercussions and as I said earlier I have no regrets.
Totally agree with you! Sorry for what you went through. You made the right call by telling the OW’s husband. He deserved to know the truth that her wife is a double camper! I recently called the OW’s fiancé when I found out my partner of four years relationship was seeing his ex after five years. I pushed him to show me the sextings and record of hours of phone calls and with no shame he showed me everything! Like he is entitled to f*** around and see her and I have no position to question him! After I warned both of them, I contacted that b!thch’s poor fiancé. I don’t give a $h*t what happened after but I moved on for my good.
Thanks, I am trying to decide if I should just walk away. We are married and have been together for ten years. So I will have to untangle my life from his web.
I am so glad I came across this, I have been wrestling with letting the spouse know.
The OW is a therapist, no joke, who has addictions and sleeps with married men. Her intentions and my husbands were not the same. It was purely sex for her, and from what I have been told (and this is my opinion) a freak between the sheets. My husband was addicted to her and the affair. Completely kicked our family to the side. He had developed feelings.
My adult children knew about her and one of them had told a friend who told me. At first I was shocked, but all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. But I knew I had to have “proof”. Which the numerous texts and calls were staring right at me.
The ones that stuck out were Saturday calls at the almost the same time. Came to find out Saturday’s were their sex days and the calls were to let my husband know she was home, how sweet.
She also had my husband set up a Snapchat account, correspondence disappears after viewed/read. This way should could SEXT him and send pictures of herself in her underwear. And ultimately sent him a picture of a hotel asking him if he was interested. Of course he did not say no and so began the affair.
For her there was no intimacy, she did not want kissing, cuddling or hand holding. Wouldn’t go out anywhere but the hotel, and when my husband mentioned doing something besides sex in the hotel, she ghosted him. Poof the affair was over. 9 months, no explanation, no conversation, as quickly as the affair started it was over.
My husband and I are trying to work things out, I told him he had to get an STD test as well as I did. From what he told me about the sex between them I have a feeling this was not her first time and probably multiple partners.
Yes, someone was respectful enough to tell me. Even though it came as a shock, I had time to process it. So, being in those shoes and taking into consideration she has 2 small children, addictions and a therapist who does not follow her obligation to the code of ethics, I feel he should know. I wanted to make sure I was entertaining the idea because I feel it’s the right thing to do. Reading the comments I now know it is.
And let me be clear, I do not hold the OW 100% responsible, my husband knew very well what he was doing. Had many opportunities to walk away and didn’t. It takes two, two willing married adults who had no regard for their spouses and family.
I know there are people out there who disagree with those of us who feel letting the other spouse know. But until you go through an affair you won’t understand. And hopefully you won’t, this is a pain that is unbearable, paralyzing, humiliating…betrayal at it’s worst.
Hope
I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation. I hope you will consider getting some professional help in dealing with this situation. You have no idea what type of hornet’s nest you might walk into should you contact the OW’s husband. The OW sounds extremely unbalanced and you don’t know what you might unwittingly unleash. Crimes of passion are that for a reason. You have no idea of the mental stability of the husband. You have no idea if he is predisposed to violence or not. What if he comes after your husband….after all in his eyes your husband is the OM. Who knows what lies his wife might tell him. Don’t give her any more power in your lives.
Please reconsider…..or at the very least get some help with this.
Shifting Impressions
Thank you for the reply. I’ll have to rethink my decision. Some valid points that I did not consider. I am in therapy and marriage counseling. Again, thank you
A therapist of all people should know better! They should have their license to be a therapist taken away when doing something like this. It is completely unethical! I am sorry this happened to you. Talk about breaking someone’s trust!!
Hope
I’m glad to hear that you are getting help with all of this.
I would be relieved that she “ghosted” him…..the last thing you need is an OW that won’t stay out of your lives. There are enough horror stories on this site alone of stalking etc.
I agree with what you said, LOAF, (what a surprise, right ) and would like to add one more thing. Some of these cheaters are Repeat Offenders, and they are carrying DISEASES. Some people on here are victims of that. What is that graphic they used about AIDS prevention? You are sleeping with every partner your partner slept with ? eeeew. You can also pick up crap from non sexual intimate contact. Ie, kissing, etc.
Should you tell? I think so. It’s my business, not necessarily a responsibility. Did I tell? No, my husbands skank had/has no one to tell. Would I want to know? Yes, without a doubt. Are there repercussions? Not that I know of, st least not any negative to me. I don’t think what the motivation is would be relevant either way. The betrayed didn’t do anything wrong so why try to traumatize them any further with guilt either way.
By the time I found out about my husband’s affair it was already over. Contacting the OW’s husband didn’t seem relevant, because they were getting divorced. (I don’t know whether or not the OW’s husband ever found out about the affair.) But I would say, if you can do so without knowingly putting someone in physical danger, then yes, tell the other cheater’s spouse. There are several legitimate reasons for doing so.
It would have been painful for me to hear about my husband’s affair while it was going on, but no more so than it was to find out about it after the fact. Part of the anger I still have has to do with having been deceived for so long. If someone had told me what was really going on, at least that aspect would have been cut short. Had I known about it sooner, I would have been able to make sense of some of his baffling behavior, and I would have been in a position to make an informed decision about what to do. When we don’t know we are being cheated on, we are acting on false presumptions about the nature of our marriages.
Disease is a possibility, and the betrayed spouse has a right to know there is a risk so they can get tested, take precautions, and get treated if necessary. Cheaters are usually in deep denial about the possibility their affair partners might be infected. After the fact, my husband had to admit that he had no way of knowing how many other men the OW might have slept with, or how many other women her husband might have slept with. But at the time, it simply never occurred to him. The betrayed spouse deserves the opportunity to protect their health.
It is possible that by exposing the affair, you will cut it short. Exposing my husband’s affair (even though it was already over) caused him to make a lot of changes in his attitude and behavior. Knowing what I know about the circumstances and the nature of the affair, I think it likely that if I had found out about it while it was ongoing, my husband would have ended it. And I feel almost certain that if the OW’s husband had found out, she would have ended it.
In general, I think that telling the other betrayed spouse is the right thing to do, even though it is extremely difficult. But I would ad the caution that if you have reason to believe that the other BS is violent or emotionally unbalanced, then don’t do it.
I think it’s ironic that in the same breath we all call the OW a skank for sleeping with a married man, we think its our responsibility to tell her spouse. If she had no obligation to us, why do we have one to her or her spouse? Just saying that we blame her for our spouse’s betrayal when she owes us nothing, and yet we think its the right to tell her spouse. Backwards. I think if we want her to keep her nose out of our marriages, we need to keep ours out of hers. I think the truth is, the reason you tell is complete revenge. No other reason to deliberately hurt someone. At least the OW tried to keep it a secret.
LOL – seriously? You aren’t hurting someone else. The cheater is. You’re just letting someone know the person they trust and love is betraying them.
I’m not going to comment further because our lines of thinking are so completely different that there isn’t any point.
At least OW tried to keep it a secret? Seriously, your name is betrayed. Were you betrayed by a married man?
LOL!! That was MY first thought, LOAF!! She’s a cheater!
We feel that we have an obligation to tell the OW’s spouse because of how THEY made US look like the fool. Regardless of the fact that the OW did not make a promise to ME, it DID make one to someone else, and also ACTIVELY engage in a relationship with someone who was married to someone else. Cheating takes 2! I am so sick of that crap that the OW has no culpability to the Betrayed Wife! What a load of crap! That whore knows damn well that the man is married, as is she, and she still participates. MY HUSBAND COULDNT CHEAT IF THERE WASN’T ANOTHER WOMAN! Just because the B didn’t marry me doesn’t mean she doesn’t have to recognize that I have an emotional, spiritual, and LEGAL union to the person she is screwing around with! Not to mention that damn whore knew we had kids – and where is it’s responsibility to THEM, when clearly, regardless of me, cheating with their daddy hurts THEM! The OW owes me morality and respect for the fact that I am married, regardless of the fact that my husband didn’t respect his marriage. CHEATING TAKES 2! The OW in my case couldn’t understand why I was calling HER when I found out that THEY cheated. Yes, my husband cheated, but SHE was part of the whole thing – COMPLETELY KNOWLEDGABLE of him being married with kids, so regardless, it is culpable to the destruction and pain – regardless of the lowlife she is!!
And it isn’t an “Obligation” to the OWs spouse to tell, but a kindness – ’cause Lord knows how damn stupid I felt after I found out (I had trusted him, and believed his lies, even when I was suspicious and asked him directly if he was cheating). Her husband has a RIGHT to know that she has totally broken their contract in every way so that HE can make a decision for himself and his children – God forbid he end up with a disease!! Now to that point, I did not tell the OWs husband, despite my complete desire to, but it was to protect my own cheating husband, and now I carry the guilt of being the liar to someone who I have never met, seen, or talk to!!! He needs to know… and unfortunately he will find out one day because the whore wont stop until it has to face the reality of it’s relationship with it’s own husband. Yes, I could force that, but in a way, it is almost more satisfying to know that I can tell him at any time I want to, and she is in a marriage that she despises because she is too self-centered to believe she has anything to do with their problems, so will never do the work to fix them and is too much of a coward to get out (is the same with all married cheaters).
I believe I should have told the husband when I found out – but I didn’t know him and was basically nuts for a few months, and then I was in survival mode and feared his retaliation on my own family, and now it’s been over for long enough I don’t see the point in hurting him and his boys – is easier this way since I don’t know him at all. Had I known him, he would already know. I didn’t even know the OW, and now only know her info because of the psycho I became after I found out about the cheating (is ironic that I know more about the whore than my husband ever did, and they cheated for 2 years, and I’ve never even met the B!)
It is a totally personal decision whether or not to tell. I believe that the husband SHOULD be told… I just disagree that I am the one who should tell him! I used to have daydreams of my husband proving his commitment to us by me making him be the one to tell the husband, face to face. I know the OW will never tell, but my husband would never be enough of a man to face the family he purposely ignored and tried to destroy all without a thought for some sick sex in the back of her car behind a bar and a roll in a cheap hotel bed… He may be growing up as a man from learning about relationships and his selfish childishness, but he will NEVER be THAT much of a man so the OW’s husband wont know until the whore cheats again… and it will… I wish I could stop that, but I couldn’t even stop the man I loved and lived with from cheating… So I do the best I can with what I have and am desperately trying to teach my children that cheating is one of the cruelest, most sick, most juvenile thing a person can do – to themselves AND others.
Its time we all started living in the REAL world and not the make-believe land of their heads. We CAN control who we love, and we CAN control how we feel, and we CAN control our thoughts and actions. So friggin grow up already cheaters!
Seriously? You must be an OW. How can you possibly say there is no reason to hurt them as the only motivation for telling. The OW inserted herself into my marriage and once she did that, she made her marriage my business. If she didn’t want her spouse finding out then she shouldn’t have slept with my husband! AND, in my case, I didn’t tell her husband at first and once her affair was over with my husband, she went on to continue cheating with other guys. All the while exposing her unsuspecting husband to possible STD’s. It all comes back to doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. If the roles were reversed, I would have wished someone would have told me.
Unfortunate, the OW already has her nose in our marriage when they screw our spouse. I owe her the favor of alerting her spouse to the skank that she is.
I imagine everyone has their own personal reasons to either tell or not tell the affair partners spouse. everyone seems to think that not telling is “noble” or adult or preferable or whatever. It’s implied that telling is immature, or vengeful, or just plain wrong. Either option can be right, I think. Some spouses that dont “tell” definitely do so for impure reasons. They may be trying to blackmail the cheaters to keep them in line. They may want the Other Person to stay married so that they won’t be free to be with their spouse. My husbands girlfriend wasn’t married so there wasn’t anything like a husband standing in his way if he wanted to be with her. Cheaters definitely aren’t keeping a secret for the benefit of any person except themselves so I’m not rewarding them by continuing to keep their secret. I could sure as hell think of a better revenge than telling someone’s spouse their husband is running around on them. Much better, lol.
Couldn’t have said it better: Cheaters definitely aren’t keeping a secret for the benefit of any person except themselves so I’m not rewarding them by continuing to keep their secret.
If you want to tell the other spouse for revenge, don’t do it. If your conscience demands it and you are prepared for any consequences do what your gut tells you. Just be prepared that you don’t know what the reaction might be.I do not believe everyone tells for revenge. The OW wasn’t protecting the BS by keeping it secret,she was making sure she got what she wanted. I suffer no delusions that my OW ever considered me for a second, and she was a supposed friend.
I had two complete strangers tell me on two different occasions about my husband’s affair.
I consider them my guardian angels, and I feel that they had more respect for me then the two people involved in the affair (my ex and my good friend).
I hope I would have the courage to tell someone else if I knew an affair was occurring in their life. I would view it as an act of paying a kindness forward from the ones I received.
I believe I only began to heal when I knew the truth about what was happening in my life….as much as it hurt.
I think it is easier to tell the OW’s spouse if you aren’t going to try to save your own relationship. Heck, if I wasn’t trying to protect my husband and his reputation I DEFINITELY would have told the OW’s husband. At that point, what would I have to lose by telling? Since we stayed together I have way too much to lose, and the whore got what she wanted. She will never say anything because then she would have to admit to what a whore she is, and that will never happen, so it is all my husband and I’s big secret… as long as that damn whore stays away anyway! ;+)
I don’t think I am a coward for not telling the OW’s spouse, though I do feel guilt. He does need the truth… I just can’t be the one to take the wrath.. I’ve suffered enough at the hands of his wife and my husband… SHE is the coward for not facing her husband in the REAL world… I refuse to suffer more for them… maybe him not knowing is her Karma since she is too much of a selfish coward to leave him so is married to a man she supposedly hates (and I hope he treats her like crap, though I doubt he does), and he gets to be blissfully unaware and not face the pain I do… I am not willing to risk more of my life for them in any way… plus if I tell him then he will leave and she will get what she wants without actually doing any work… that doesn’t sit well with me since I’m the one who has had to do all of the paying without any of the benefits!!
I appreciate the input from someone who was actually told about the affair. I wish if anyone knew they works have told me. I had suspicions the affair partner was a chick that was friends with a mutual friend but she had moved to California. I called the friend and she pretty much said she wasn’t back in town. In actuality she had been back almost a year. Guess her ,”friend” didn’t know. this gave this bitch almost another year to have her identity hidden. still pisses me off. I’ve never confronted the mutual friend but I hsvent forgotten it either.
As I’ve said several times before….. I did call the H to tell him what was going on. I even faxed him a copy of some of the sexting and emails between his W and my H. He had no clue that she was doing this and thanked me for the information. I have no idea what he did about his marriage, and I don’t care. I told him that I thought he had the right to know.
This Hell on earth took place at the same time that I was noticing my neighbor having an affair. This has been three years ago and she is still having an affair. Her husband has no clue. I have really struggled with whether to tell him or not.??? Geez! I so detest lying, lowlife, hypocritical, people who think about nothing but their own pleasure!
Hmmm, if you have noticed, other people have too. This poor guy is probably the joke of the neighborhood. Has she got a guy coming around when hes not home? I’d just take an anonymous photo or something and mail it. or a short note. I wouldn’t approach him on person cause it works probably embarrass him, which is not the point. That way there is no way to trace it, lol. nobody wants to play the fool…
I would’ve wanted the other BS to tell me in that situation. If the OW had been married too in my case I would’ve told her H. No buts. but that is with hindsight as my CS only got his head out of his fantasy ass when everyone knew what he’d been doing. For some CSs that’s what they need to wake up. For others it might not be.
For the record, the OW’s man in my case thanked me many times for letting him know. It’s painful to hear, but it beats not knowing. The person informing the betrayed isn’t hurting them – they’re just giving them the truth. The fact that this particular truth hurts is the fault of their spouse and no one else.
I absolutely would have wanted to be told. I personally believe there is an OBLIGATION to tell. Look up the facts about HPV. This virus can lead to CANCER. It is transmitted through sexual contact and wearing a condom is NOT protection against it, because it can be skin contact. And lets face it…..how many people use condoms or barriers when having oral sex?
People in the midst of an affair make selfish, unsafe choices. Choices that could put our children at risk, our finances at risk and any number of other things.
Telling is NOT about revenge. It is NOT about wrecking someone’s life. It is about giving them the information and power to make INFORMED choices to protect themselves, their children, their money, their health, their businesses, their future and a whole list of other things.
That was so well said, guys.I can’t imagine anybody not wanting to know if their spouse is out dating/trying to bang somebody else. At least it puts you in a position to deal with it in an appropriate manner and protect yourself. Especially since no one else is !!
I definitely would have told him …I would want someone to tell me if they knew, Instead I was the last to know and all our work “friends” don’t want to be friends anymore nor did they have the guts to tell me. They all covered for him when I came to his work. Ironically the OW was going through a divorce because her husband cheated on her!!!!
I have been afraid to post full story for fear someone might stumble across and put 2 + 2 together. But here goes. I heard my husband on the phone with his sister say “she has a big meeting with her husband at the end of the week”. they speak a foreign language and didn’t think I could understand. I felt so guilty that the poor guy probably had no clue and was making major decisions. The next night my H had a fit of rage and stormed out and stayed at a hotel (yep pretty sure she met him). FOur days I agonized and finally called him. He had no clue and I was too late for the meeting. Turns out it happened the day after I heard. They told kids they were separating and she said not a single word and he had to handle everything. She walked out without being honest. Her H thanked me for being brave and telling him. Said over and over that I gave him peace. He had been blaming himself and couldn’t understand why nothing he did made a difference. So I set him free. He asked her for a divorce. I have not confronted my H. I am truly afraid what he will do if and when he finds out I went to her H. Now she thinks she is free as a bird and they are seeing each other more often and going on dates in places where they can be seen. I felt relieved when I told him, but I never dreamed she would separate. so if you tell be prepared for any outcome.Revenge was not in my heart. I even asked him if he thought she needed time on her own since they got married right out of college. She never extended any consideration to me. D-day 1 she had even told her H she knew I was madly in love with my H but they were soulmates and I depressed my H…
I guess I just don’t think the OW’s husband would be appreciative of me telling him anything since he doesn’t know me AT ALL… and it is always easier to blame the AP, at least at first… I just don’t want that in my life… I’ve thought about an anonymous letter, but am sure it would tell him about my husband then and then my life would be in turmoil again, as I just KNOW he wouldn’t stay out of our lives. I don’t know how I know, I just do, and even if he would, the risk is not worth it… plus my husband wasn’t the OW’s first cheat… and he wouldn’t be her last no matter what I did… she is a liar and lied to the company my husband worked for before he left… she told hr that she feared my husband and his harassment when she came back to work for the company after she had left after the affair had be discovered by me… is funny… my husband never harassed her… I did though!! Stupid B! She won’t admit any wrongdoing, even to herself, so I know she will make up more crap to protect herself, and hurt me and mine, since my husband is the one who dumped her skank ass anyway…
OW’s H in my case didn’t know me. In fact we live over 1000 miles apart. That didn’t stop me – I found him on FB and sent a message, followed with a call. I told him in less than a week, and less than a day from finding him. I would do it again without hesitation. Did he like it? No, but neither did I. Was he glad I told him? You bet. He says it’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for him. Thanks me a lot, or he did when we were communicating. No need now. He started watching her after I let him in on what a tramp she was. She did it again, and again – the third time he gave her the boot.
All’s well that ends well for her i suppose. Good for the stupid whore
Hi LOAF, I have been looking for some advice as to whether to tell the OWs spouse and was searching online for some clarity when I came across this thread. I have found your answers very insightful and was hoping I could get your opinion on my situation. My story is a little different and so Im struggling with the decision of To tell or not to tell. I would be very appreciative of your insight after you have heard my story. Is there any way we can chat privately or should I just post here?
I have also been searching for this subject… and it’s funny that I get the impression that if you are planning reconciliation in general you do not tell, kind of like one commenter said “protect your cheating spouse” but if the marriage is over then go ahead because they deserve to know. Well my own situation is the latter, but there was a short time when I thought reconciliation was an option… until I found out that she had no intention of stopping the relationship. How messed up is that. Anyways the short of it is I will tell but I need the divorce to be final first because I do not know what she will do if her lovers spouse finds out and he ends the relationship she is so desperate to hang onto. I think the personality traits for someone who cheats are such that they know what they are doing is wrong but they want both the affair and the marriage. Losing both at the same time for someone that is unstable like this might get you a very unpredictable response.
But yes the other spouse should know by any means necessary at the right time, I wish someone had told me the extent of the affair and that it had continued, would have saved me a lot of grief. Only a former cheater would say it’s only for revenge because that’s what they always think, they feel guilt and are afraid of the consequences of their actions, it’s a thrill for them to be getting away with it and then if it ends they get to keep that secret and most likely try it again if no one tells… I think it’s like a drug for them. So if they go out and convince people it’s not their right to tell or it’s only for revenge it’s like Allowing one half of the affair not be accountable for their actions and they will just do it again to their spouse, I would not feel good about myself if I did not tell knowing this person is being betrayed and disrespected over and over. That’s the way I felt and it’s going to take me years to get over how this person I trusted and loved did this and someone in a similar situation deserves to know and start the healing as soon as possible.
Glad it’s finally all out in the open, for your sake. The fact that he is blaming you for HIS depression, lack of morals, etc. shows the level if immaturity that you are dealing with. Since Cockroaches, uh I mean Soulmates, flourish on the darkness maybe those two will see each other for what they REALLY are. I’m glad you were able to help her husband make sense if this crap too.
I posted earlier about how grateful I was to be told earlier.
I did not KNOW the people who told me…at all. To me they were people off the street. I did not have a relationship with them before or after.
I did call them up weeks later to tell them how much I appreciated.
Yes I did tell the OS after an embarrassing meeting at the airport about 7 weeks after DDay. The OS and my CS were good friends at one point , and all of us had spent time socially with one another. I was so embarrassed for him when he came up to us and offered his very friendly greeting. He was the only one who didn’t know about the lengthy EA. This was not my favourite person in the world, but at the same time he deserved to be brought into the loop. I know if the roles were reversed, I’d want to be treated with the same amount of respect and honesty.
I do struggle with the pure intent of why I told. I’d like to think I am a decent human being, and hurting anyone isn’t what I want to do BUT in this situation I really wonder. I was thankful and happy that the VERY plastic OW couldn’t live her life of lies any longer. I was thankful that I was the one that burst the bubble. Maybe some control issues on my part? As for the OS, this man worked closely with my CS and actually encouraged bad behaviour from my CS. (long story!) He use to love to cause strife between my CS and I. I have to say there has been a late night or two when I’ve thought to myself that Karma can be a real you know what, with a big smile on my face! I’d think that instead of encouraging bad behaviour, if he’d been an example to a young man, maybe my CS wouldn’t have picked his WIFE to behave badly with! Not thoughts I am proud of, but they are honest. As for the fall out I’m not sure. I know my CS was kicked out of that circle of friends very swiftly and that to this day my CS doesn’t like going to this particular community with me in the off chance we may run into them or anyone associated with them. I don’t seem to have a problem with saying what’s on my mind and the anger I have towards the OW is still very intense. I have seen the OS twice since this and he stays clear, which is fine by me. I think he’s embarrassed because I am a reminder of his wife’s indiscretions. (He told me that his wife has had a PA as well and I did leave him physically shaking for which I was sorry for.)
I do believe that everyone has their own path to walk in this scenario but all in all I would not change the fact that I was honest and up front. I have to look in the mirror every morning and I have no problems doing so when I think of what I’ve done and how I have behaved.
Why is everyone so obsessed about if it’s for revenge or not? Whatever the reason, the other BS deserves the truth, and who cares if it’s for revenge? What – we aren’t supposed to want the AP to hurt? We aren’t supposed to want them to suffer?
Why are we ALWAYS supposed to be the better person? It’s so stupid. Yes, I believe and did believe the other BS deserved to know. Yes, I also knew it would cause great harm to OW. Yes, that made me VERY happy. So f’n what?
How about we get off our high horses and admit we want nothing but misery for the other cheater?
First of all, I agree that the BS needed to know- – period. Secondly, I don’t deny that I want nothing but pain and misery for this woman who I know now, threw her dirty little secret in my face every chance she got…. right down to telling me how my CS liked his sandwiches made. That so pisses me off every time I think of it. BUT…….
Aren’t most of us here because of the selfishness of others in our life. Didn’t do us any good did it? I don’t think it’s a bad idea to reflect on the why of this situation. For my situation, the OS wished I didn’t tell him. Figure this one out- he blamed me for not having a stronger relationship with my CS. I don’t get it aside from he is the type of person who hides his head in the sand, and I forced his hand to do something about his CS.
I know I’d like to think I considered the ramifications and treated him like I would want to be. I try to bring that to most aspects in life. I don’t mind being the ‘better person’, and wouldn’t want it any other way. I wouldn’t want this situation to fundamentally change who and what I am. I have lost so much of myself going through this…… twice, but I refuse to give up ‘the good’ that I see in myself just to be spiteful and bitter. I know I did what I did cause it broke my heart to see this man wrap his arms around my CS and carry on like all was good in the world. THAT was the biggest motivator for me… I put myself in his shoes and I would have been devastated and mortified if I didn’t learn about the EA asap.
I can only speak for myself, I never considered myself on a high horse, but on some level it does bug me that I ‘hurt’ someone with what I said and did, but I thought it was the right thing to do.
Oh, as for him blaming you – that’s insane. So his relationship was fine but yours wasn’t and that’s why his wife decided to be a whore? Yeah ok.
He knows you did the right thing. He just doesn’t like the truth because it’s not what he wanted his life to be.
First, you didn’t hurt anyone. You let them know that someone they loved was hurting them horribly. HUGE difference.
Second, telling is the right thing to do. If the side effect is that OW suffers, well that’s just a bonus. I didn’t do any ‘revenge’ items and most here didn’t. But if something good causes the OW pain, well I’m not going to lie and say I agonized over it. I didn’t. I’m glad her world was shattered. I could have done much worse but didn’t. I didn’t turn into a bitter, spiteful person. I also don’t pretend that I’m so kind and gentle that hurting anyone, even OW, is beneath me. I think that’s a crock.
I’m with you, LOAF, I’m not sure why I should think a Road Whore should stroll into my life and walk out unscathed. Invited or not, I still take it as a personal affront, just like I would any other pierson who wronged me and my family. It’s just sad people feel guilt for exposing a nasty cheating skank to their own spouse. Thats just revictimizing the betrayed spouse as far as I’m concerned.
After a lot of therapy, I did not tell. This is why:
The OW had a live-in boyfriend, not a husband. The affair was purely physical–8 lunch time encounters for sex only over a 2 month period (I have all the texts. She was clearly the pursuer. She made the offer, the 8 lunch time trysts were mostly initiated by her). She was 28, my husband 48. (just an aside…..Hmmm…why would a 28 year just want sex from a 48 year old? Could it be she’s a gold digger and my husband makes over $300K a year and is politically connected [she is trying to start a career as a lobbyist]? Once my husband stopped taking her up on her offers for sex, she continued to pursue him. My husband realized he did not want the affair and repeatedly told her to stop texting him. She would ignore him and text him when she knew he was at home or we were at our children’s sporting events. I eventually found a text and she was hoping the marriage would end so she could move in as the new Mrs (she lives on student loans in a run down apartment–we live a good life in a nice neighborhood—hmmm, what was she after?). By the time I found out, they had not had sex in two months. Proof that what she wanted was more than just sex. I confronted him and asked him “do you want her or me? decide right now!” Without hesitation, he chose me. We saw a counselor within two days and we have both been in therapy since November 2012. (he has gone every week since November–he is trying his ass off!)
So we both have been going through intense individual and couples counseling. In the course of my individual therapy to help me heal, my therapist and I discussed my burning desire to tell the OW’s BF. I decided not to because I fear the fallout from this crazy woman and her boyfriend. My therapist strongly advised against it. He said what if the boyfriend is so angry (bc did I mention–the sex happened in her and the boyfriend’s apartment–in their shared bed!!!) that he comes after your husband with a baseball bat, or worse, a gun? What if he comes to your front door and your children are caught in the crossfire or aftermath of this man’s anger? To me, protecting my children is worth it.
Additionally, my intent in telling him would be to spread the anger and hurt I am feeling. So, I would want to hurt her, but all I would really do is hurt him. She’s a narcissistic bitch with no feelings (my husband said there’s something wrong with her, she has no feelings. It’s like she’s autistic or something. No, it seems clear she’s not autistic, she’s narcissistic and lack of empathy is one of the signs)
Perhaps it is different since they were not married. And my urge to tell him has decreased since she and the boyfriend (who I actually feel quite sorry for) have broken up.
I know I am all over the map here, but just a little more info about her: She posts every nauseating detail of her pathetic little life. She will inform people on twitter, “Forgot to mention…it’s the first day of Summer.” Really? If you hadn’t mentioned it the rest of the world wouldn’t know. I am still a bit obsessed about reading her twitter, facebook, and an other bits of information about her on the net. She is 29 years old now, has never held a job for more than 6 months to a year. But she is ALL OVER the net. She posts so much information about herself. She will post pictures of food she is eating for lunch. Not a picture of her and friend having lunch together. Just the food. Is that weird??
My therapist and I looked at all of her pages. He said he can’t be sure but with just looking as what she posts, she is clearly a narcissist. Google “female narcissist traits.” Scary. Most of the traits fit her.
And just to show what a whack job she is, when my therapist and I looked at her linkedin page (on my therapist’s phone), I guess she has a paid account and could she that he viewed her profile. He is also an older but attractive man, and owns this large counseling business and is very successful. SHE CONTACTED HIM 5 TIMES IN 4 DAYS TO CONNECT WITH HER ON LINKEDIN. My therapist was so surprised by that and advised me again, that although all my desires to tell her boyfriend or tell her off were totally justified, for my own safety and that of my children, I need to stay away from her and the ex-boyfriend!
And one more thing…I am counting on Karma to take care of her sorry ass. I saw this saying, “Revenge can be sweet but Karma can be pure entertainment.” She’ll be taken care of and my hands will be clean.
Again you aren’t spreading hurt. She is the one that hurt him. You just let him know the truth about his life.
No therapist worth ANYTHING would claim a person they’d never met is a narcissist based on FB posts. That’s scary right there. The fact that your therapist is looking up her posts with you? Are you there to gossip or get therapy?
No offense, but your therapist sounds like a bottom feeder. Therapists generally tell a person that continuing to look the person up isn’t healthy. They definitely do not help you do it. And narcissism is a very serious personality disorder that takes months of sessions to diagnose and even then unless it’s an acute case there is always doubt. To tell you that someone you are already prone to hate is narcissistic is professionally unethical.
Again, no offense.
So, do you have a Ph.D in counseling, psychology or mental health? Is that what makes you the expert on what goes on in counseling sessions? Based on your anger and closed mind you exhibit in your posts, you haven’t been through much therapy.
For your information, we looked at one of her pages during a session to elicit the feelings that compel me to look at her pages. Telling me to not look at a page is not counseling. So, a counselor treating a drug addict, just says, “Hey don’t do drugs!” Problem solved!
Further, did you read the portion in which I state, “he can’t be sure.”
My mistake for posting my story wherein I thought a difference of opinion would be welcomed and supported. If you will notice I did not criticize anyone who decided to tell the spouse of the OW.
Further, saying, “no offense” does not give you license to unleash your unevolved opinions. It does not absolve you of saying unkind things and give you license to spew your ugliness. Did you not learn anything in kindergarten?
And post a reply. Just know that I won’t read it because I will no longer frequent a site such as this that allows criticism and negativity.
Good luck to you, you poor, tortured soul. You have much work to do to release all the hatred within you.
Bravo, teresa!
I know you said you weren’t going to bother with this site anymore, but I hope you stick around long enough to read these words.
Let me repeat them – Bravo, teresa! I agree with everything you said in your reply to livingonafence! Bet we aren’t alone.
LOL – yes, bravo. Look up narcissism diagnosis.
I’m tired of this site. I’m not a tortured soul and I don’t spend hours looking at some whore’s facebook – yeah I’m the tortured one.
bye all
LOAF!!! Come back!! So cares if they don’t agree?? You have a lot of good insight….and I for one, like your sarcasm and wit! LOL!! ;D
The OS is the one who contacted me and told me what was going on. I had no idea until I got that call. He was suspicious, tracked down phone and text records etc. And his W had admitted it all to him that evening.
I do not know, or care, what his motive was. He absolutely did the right thing! How horrible it woukd have been to walk around not knowing any longer. It has been 18 months. I feel like I should contact him to thank him. Still can’t do it.
I was told by the OW`s husband. At the time, I felt it unfair. But today, I am glad he told me. I would never have known otherwise.
I told the OS and do not regret it one bit. Both of us had suspicions of an affair and ironically we both had looked each other up. She had confronted her H to stop but that lasted only a short time. She did not know how far the affair has gone.
. She had thanked my for confronting her and giving her the facts that I knew. She shared what she knew and we were able to create a clearer picture of what took place. I had only wished she would have confronted me earlier when she had known. I don’t blame her for I believe she was partially in the denial stage.
I will admit that both of us are still fighting for our marriages only 3 months after D-Day. I know that both of us will need to endure and be patient. I do not know what repercussions I would have suffered from telling to not telling. The fact of the matter is how can someone argue against the truth? I am not supporting airing out the dirty laundry…but the BS need to know for so many reasons verses not knowing just to save face. The risk of not telling pails in the reward of knowing.
On D-day, I received a call from the OW’s husband. I was blindsided. He actually told me that he had intercepted a “love poem” to his wife from my husband a month before, but he didn’t contact me because they promised to end it.
They didn’t.
Do I wish that he had contacted me the first time? Yes. Was I ready to hear all that he told me about their affair on D-day? No. But if he hadn’t contacted me then, it would probably still be going on, so I guess I am grateful for that.
Many of the things that he told me on that day are still major obstacles to the healing. Love poems, hundreds of texts, secret e-mail accounts. Two years later, I can’t get past all of it -and my husband has done nothing to make it better. Lots of talk (I feel your pain), but no actions to back it up.
Tomorrow is our 34th wedding anniversary, and the only feeling that I have right now is how much I regret ever falling in love with him.
After 3 years I still struggle with the decision. I probably caught the EA in a very early stage, a couple of calls in the middle of the night, some suggestive text. I raged towards my H and his denial. I was naïve enough to think it was just something on the edge of getting out of hand and thought I would leave everybody their dignity by not spreading it all over. I thought she was a friend and would realize what was happening and remorsefully withdraw. If I wanted to save my marriage I couldn’t just spread it around. I thought I made a point and tried to heel. After a couple of month’s I found out it hadn’t stopped but they were sure to hide the tracks. DD-2 I think it ended but she was so pissed that she started attacking me and the children in a very subtle way. She has a lot of power at work and in the town we live. I’m almost sure that bringing it out in the state I was would have wrecked my marriage (not hers, for her it was just a game, and she was already playing a dangerous game at putting me and my H in a bad daylight). At that time I didn’t feel strong enough to do whatsoever. Now I’m having a hard time seeing them both (used to be friends, holiday’s together, part of our social lives). Sometimes I feel like addressing her H. But I’m not sure he will believe me, I don’t know what explanation she gave for the sudden dip in contact. Everybody is keeping up the charade of inviting back and forth. I hate this situation but I’m afraid the only way out is leaving my H, this town and half of my friends. Telling her H would clear the hypocrisy for me but after seeing her reaction these last 2 years(she has some narcistic traits) I wonder what good it will do. She will not take it and is prepared to go along way in wrecking my life (and she has the power and no morals to do it) Her H, her children and my family will end up with more hurt. It won’t solve anything. The main reason for me to tell her H is clearing my name and getting rid of the awkward encounters. The revenge part would only be true if I thought he would dump her straight away but she will not let this happen I’m sure. I wish I could find out the next guy that is filling her insatiable attention needs so I could tell him without wrecking my family; we’ve suffered enough
Should you tell the AP’s significant other? YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!! I wish someone would have told me instead of me going around for 2 years even after the affair was over wondering what the hell was going on and looking like an idiot. My brother in law and some friends of my H knew and of course my lunatic MIL. I walked around for 2.5 years looking like an idiot. A few friends of ours (my H’s friends) stopped sending us X-mas cards beginning the yr of his affair. I can remember making remarks about it and he blew it off. What a fool I must have looked like sometimes I wonder how many people that knew/know still think I’m a fool.
Yes, forcryin’outloud….I wish the cow’s H would have told me! He found out about 3 weeks before I did…man, I felt STUPID!
My H had involved his two cousins, I call them Cousin IT, 1 and 2, so they knew also….the cow was the best friend of Cousin IT 1…..and since the cousins are sisters, they both helped him cover his tracks!
I also was puzzled by his cousins behavior on FB! About 6 weeks before I found out, Cousin It 1 deleted me from her FB page…I was so puzzled by that, my H just blew it off….told me “You know how off the wall weird she is” and I believed him!
And when it was our 25th wedding anniversary, neither one congratulated us…again, puzzled and hurt by their silence!
Now I know why of course!
I say TELL….and if it’s for revenge….oh well, who cares?? If there had NEVER been an affair in the first place you would have nothing to tell…so it’s really the cheaters fault, anyway you look at it!
And LOAF, I hope you don’t really stay away…these newbies think they know everything, LOL!!
You have a lot of great advice…don’t let them stop you!
So teresa with a small t…….lets get something straight here when you insult one of the wisest people on this forum….one that has been around for a long time compared to you….you insult us all.
Amen, Broken2…Amen!! And yea, lets get that straight….teresa with a small t! That’s not me!!
Well said Broken2.
I don’t see anybody ranting about small t-eresa’s completely inappropriate statement, ” It’s like she’s autistic or something.”
Thanks guys. Don’t worry too much. small t teresa has more going on than she’s letting on I think and she’s hyper defensive. Why do I think this? Her story changed so she could attempt to insult me. First she said she and her “therapist” looked at ALL of her FB pages and then at her LinkedIn account. When I commented on how him gossiping about OW with her (that’s basically what they were doing – let’s face it), she changed to “we looked at ONE of her FB pages to see what emotions it brought up in me”
She’s clearly still very unhappy and looks outside herself for reasons to be so. When she decides to change that, it’ll change. Until then, she’ll just keep flying off the handle.
As for me – really really really bad week with the hubby, so I wasn’t really in the mood for such a rant because I insulted someone’s therapist. Big f’n deal. If she likes her therapist then she’ll keep going. Nothing I say is going to change her mind, nor should it.
One thing that many BS don’t realize is that some OW have told their spouse but the exOM and his wife don’t know that. They think that the OW has kept this secret from her husband because she told the ex OM that she wouldn’t ever tell but that is usually far from true. My husband knows absolutely EVERYTHING about my previous affair but my exOM was left believing I would never say anything because he made his wife believe a bunch of lies to make it look like I was the one pursuing him and manipulating him to stay in the affair for five years and so on. My exMM had to make sure his lies to his wife about the affair made him look like he was the victim.
I decided to tell my husband the day after the last conversation I had with my exMM, so his wife probably still believes my spouse doesn’t know but he does and he knows the actual truth. I had proof to back up how exMM pursued me and that I did fall in love and it was mutually kept going. My husband read everything. He hates the exOM and has wanted to physically hurt the exOM but he knows that it wouldn’t be worth getting arrested to do so.
Be CAREFUL in advising people to tell the OS… my husband is very calm, rational, and pragmatic but it still made him desire to do harm to the OM.
I am about to finally let the women’s husband know about his spouses affair in 2009 with my husband. It hurt so bad and now that hurt is gone. I would never want to be kept in the dark and why should she get away with it. Time to make an honest women out of her. She didn’t care and now I don’t.
If I hadn’t called the OW’s husband, the affair would’ve continued, without a shadow of a doubt. BH, although (understandably) suspicious initially, was so incredibly grateful and thanked me repeatedly after for picking up the phone that day. Not only that, but we became each other’s only allies in the piecing together of what had being going on for several months, which was a full blown affair including repeated ‘business’ trips together. My husband denied, denied and denied some more until I furnished absolute, undeniable proof provided by the OW’s husband. I think it was incredibly rare to have such support and I don’t regret what I did one bit. He had as much of a right to know as I did, and it took two to bring down/stop what the other two started.
Hi, I am in a little different situation, maybe.
I am single and cheated with a married woman who said she fell in love with me and then chased me around for 6 months before I realized what was going on–a slow learner here. At first I told her on five different occasions we should quit seeing each other and she should go home, take care of business and she could come back if it worked out that way. She would drink, cry and on one occasion asked me if I was going to make her be celibate and could we meet just one night a week. I finally gave in and fell in love with her.
She laid in my arms, in my bed for 10 months promising me everything under the sun. I love you more than anyone I’ve ever loved, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I don’t want to live without you and she was going to leave her husband. She said he was mean to her and the only thing she could say good about him is that he was a good provider.
In the end and after 10 months, she said she realized she was cheating and it was not her. BS, H had been a truck driver for 16 years and I finally figured out this was not her first Cheater’s Rodeo. Every night he was on the road, she sneaked across the street to my bedroom. We also went out around the town, etc. and all that other stuff as well. She knew exactly what she was doing all along and I did not have a clue.
Then, all of a sudden they were moving in two weeks. She never really provided any reason for what was going on but that they were leaving for family reasons and were moving back home. But, she told me time and time again she had to get rid of some excess baggage and would be back.
But, that hasn’t happened and we finally split the sheets a couple of months ago. For the five months after she left she strung me along and played me like the finest of fiddles before kicking this can to the curb. During that five months, I was the sickest, mentally and physically, I’d ever been in my life. I had to start taking stomach meds, sleeping pills, depression meds, anxiety meds and started seeing a psychiatrist and therapist on a routine basis.
I told her all along I was going to tell him. At first because I wanted us to be together. But now that she has used and abused me and they moved away to live happily ever after, I am even more devastated given all the crap she said about how he treated her, etc. Why would someone want to go back to that, when they had another option? I told her that if she thought she was going to lay in my arms, in my bed and promise me the moon and stars and then treat me like crap before and after they left and think she was going to move outta town and live happily ever after, she was sadly mistaken. So, as she made me miserable the last 5 months, I have done same to her the last two months.
She lied to me and told me she told him a couple of months ago that she had been cheating but it was with another man, not me. All her and his family and friends know, I told them. So we are down to the nitty gritty. I went to their house a couple of weeks ago to tell him, but he wasn’t home. Have since realized that may not best way to do it.
As the other cheater in the nightmare, I’m beginning to think I need to have someone else do it and fall back on the “other guy” instead of me and just see what happens. I want him to know because over the 10 months she sneaked across the street to my place, she lied to him time and time again when he asked if there was someone else. And although I know she is not happy and is just there for whatever reason, I think he needs to know what went on. I am thinking about having someone else contact
Ken
I’m sorry you were so badly treated. My question to you is what do you hope to accomplish by informing her husband?? Why not just walk away? Is a woman that lied and treated you so terribly someone you really want in your life? You probably deserve better. If she really wanted to leave him sho would have done so already.
I agree with you, I am over wanting this lying, cheating tramp in my life. That time has come and gone.
The H is/was a friend of mine and he is a good man. Regardless that has come and gone because I can’t look him in the eye anymore. I’ve told all his and her family and friends I know and I would have thought some of them would have told him. After telling her family, her granddaughter and his niece came to talk to her about it and she lied to them.
The H deserves to know what he is dealing with because she is still lying and cheating on him. Why, because I have purposely extended our relationship because she is so afraid of him finding out and maybe what he may do. She does not want him to know it is me. She doesn’t want him to know she is so callus as to have slept for months across the road with a friend. . We still meet, talk on the phone and text but no major hanky/panky anymore.
In a way, I’m looking for a reason not to tell him. He deserves better and she deserves worse. If she wasn’t so callus in her relationship with him and then me, it’d be different. And, if this was her first and only Cheater’s Rodeo that would be different, but she is a pro!!!
Thanks so much for your reply and input. I’m not saying for sure I’m not going to see that he finds out, but it is a higher percentage than the not at this point!!!
Should you tell about an affair? Yes, in most circumstances. Why or why not? It is his/her right to know. People cannot make decisions if they don’t have all the information.
Is it even your business or responsibility to do so? Yes. The OW pushed herself in my life and marriage. Of course, he played along which makes him equally guilty, but she was the one who initiated it (I have proof), and she was the more active party. I have call logs, and 90% of the calls were initiated by her. She encouraged him to lie to me, she told him that he had to come visit her using a mixture of guilt trip (I visited you the last two times) and flattery. You deserve it! This is just for you!
What are the risks of telling the other betrayed spouse about the affair? For me? None. I wrote him a very nice letter full of sympathy apologising for being the bearer of dreadful news, but everything I wrote, I backed up with evidence.
What should the intent of telling the other BS be – to punish the cheater, to help the unsuspecting BS or something else? To create a complete set of facts. It’s not about punishment.
What if the shoe were on the other foot…would you want to be told of your spouse’s affair? Yes, yes, and yes again. I had suspected for 26 months, and drove myself to the brink of physical collapse. I lost 10 kilos, and I was not heavy to begin with, suffered from insomnia and developed an ulcer.
Any of you who have gone through this, please share your story. Why did you choose to tell or not to tell? For those that told, what was the resulting ‘fallout’?
I told. I sent OW’s husband a letter detailing the chronology of their affair, the trips she and he made, and the meetings they had. I sent the letter three days ago. It had to go oversees and has not arrived yet. She betrayed her husband after not even two years of marriage, and basically told my husband to buy her red roses for Valentine’s Day 2018. Like a puppet, he did just as she said. I am not making excuses for him, because he had the choice to dismiss her, but she was the driving force; she was the puppet master, and pulling the strings.
I am not expecting any fallout for me. I did nothing wrong. If he chooses to forgive her, that’s up to him. I don’t care if they stay together or divorce. It’s his choice, but to make that choice, he needs all the information.
Yes I am glad you told— I am in the process of sending the OWs husband a letter—I have thought long and hard on what to do but definitely have clarity now. They carried on an emotional affair last summer — talking about sex making plans and saying there could be a future for them. They were high school sweethearts —she contacted him on Facebook — he even admitted he still loves her and never got over her! Yes even after 38 years of being apart. I am in counseling and he has no contact with her now and wants to make it all up to me ! He is also in counseling and wants our marriage. I just cannot get over the things said to each other and how he could do this to us — we have been married 23 years. I caught him on our anniversary !! And then he said he would end it — pick either her or me — he said he wanted me but then continued talking to her behind my back- saying he would fix me and then reconnect—I read this in an email he wrote to her. . I am devastated—- I feel strongly her husband needs to know —
What if the affair is over 2 years ago? If I were to inform the other BS would it be out for revenge? Both our marriages were not on good terms, which led to the affair and although my husband and I are trying to reconcile, my emotions are still on the yo-yo. Be sure, I am still angry with the OW for starting it!
This post I wrote earlier and is from a different topic, but very relevant. Infidelity can be deadly. About ten years ago my wife of 42 years had an emotional – turned physical – affair with her boss that lasted a few years, but ran it’s self out as they sometimes do. He was a manager of the nuclear medicine department at a local hospital. The details I got out of my wife on D-day, which was April 2020, strongly suggested he had at least one other previous affair with a different employee under his authority. When someone uses their work position to take advantage of another in a sexual manner there is an extra layer of disgust. Needless to say I experienced the worst heart-breaking pain imaginable. In the heat of the moment I sent a short note about the affair with my wife, and the possible affair with the other employee, to his wife with the full intent of ratting him out. I wanted him to feel the pain he helped create. His wife confronted him and confirmed with me days later that the other affair did happen as well. Two weeks after D-day, and certainly not part of the plan, he took his own life. I can only assume he couldn’t live with the guilt and shame. All the people involved – three long term marriages complete with children and grandchildren – knew each other socially and considered each other as friends. At the news of the suicide my wife made no fuss and shed no tears. I, on the other hand, suffered remorse, and wondered if I should accept any responsibility. I have not found very much written about this sort of complication with affairs, and would appreciate some feed back. Months after writing this post and after giving this plenty of thought I have cleared myself of any blame. I am sure he gave me absolutely no thought, when hooking up with my wife or when he took his own life. He was selfish to the end and his life story is ruined with his bad choices.
Yikes, Mark. I am so sorry for that burden you carry. His choice was his. They were all his. I hope you have found peace.
I let the OP know because I figured that was the only way to make sure I put a stop to their correspondence. It worked.
I learned of my Ex’s affair with a past girlfriend a year and a half in. They lived in different states so it wasn’t physical. He was able to carry it on because I was grieving my brother and nephew killed by a drunk driver and fighting for my kids who were using drugs. He just checked out and went to her emotionally. I found his secret email account with all their communication. I wanted to send it to her husband but our marriage counselor told me not to. She said if something bad happened (like him hurting her) it would be on me. So I didn’t and they continued contacting each other. They even met up once when she talked her husband into camping in our area and my Ex drove to meet her there. We stayed together for several move years then I learned that he had MANY dark secrets and left. To this day, I wish I had let her husband know. My Ex is with a much younger woman now that adores him. He didn’t learn from his “mistake” and believes he has been blessed by God with his new life.
It’s been over 3 years and I still have not told the OS. I was an emotional mess when I had found out because we were still recovering from a life changing injury to one of our children. Our MC and my IC both told me not to tell even though I wanted to. Over the three years my wife and I have made a lot of progress and are in a much better place.
If I never saw that couple again I feel that it wouldn’t bother me that the other wife didn’t know or it may have been easier to tell. Unfortunately the other couple are in our community and worse is that our children are on the same high school soccer team. We used to be friends and she still invites us to their parties even though we haven’t attended for over 3 years.
I feel like I need to tell for my own personal well being. Even though I want to tell when we don’t see the couple I don’t think about it. Then when I see them at soccer it all starts coming back. When at a scrimmage recently I began to feel anger and disgusted when I saw him and sad and ashamed when I see her. They have two more seasons of soccer together and I don’t want to put myself through this.
Any advice on how to let her know would be appreciated.
I immediately told the OS. When I found out what my husband was doing, I made it my business to let everyone involved know about it. I was blindsided by my husband and his AP for 5 years and when I found out I was devastated, heart broken and angry that our marriage had been a sham.
I called the AP’s house and left messages on their phone and spoke with the OS. He did not seem surprised which lead me to believe she had a record of stepping out on her husband. That made me even more sick.
My husband is sick, but this affair partner was sicker.
Telling her husband lifted a weight from my shoulders and gave me the space to begin to move on. I’ve been dealing with the betrayal for 4 years now and, while the initial damage was devastating, I am able to be more centered and able to move on step by step. It is still somewhat painful today, but not like my d-day.
EVERYONE involved needs to be “in the know.” I was deceived for years and could not understand why we were not moving forward. Now I know. Had someone really told me, I would be further ahead.
Thank You for your response! I plan on telling her today. I already feel somewhat better after coming to this decision. I know it will be difficult to tell her, but I know it’s the right thing to do.
To tell it not to tell
When my best friend from Waco, Texas was going through a rough patch with her husband, I invited her to visit me in Florida for a getaway. She came five or six times, eventually bringing her teenage son with the idea she might like to relocate and enroll him in college here. At first she tried to get her husband to finance the move, but failing that she manipulated me into inviting them (and three dogs) to move into my home while she found work and made arrangements to rent a home. Unfortunately, because of extremely poor credit and a defaulted Federal loan of over $100k, my Bestie was in a jam. She basically couldn’t finance a cup of coffee. You see where this is going… right? My husband and I discussed her situation and decided to co-sign for her rental home. I was extremely surprised that he would agree to such a big financial commitment ($1,500/month for 12 months), but it was our only option and I was feeling pressure to make it happen. Five days before she was due to move, I discovered my Bestie and my husband kissing. She had not only moved into my home, she had moved into my marriage – all the while calling me her soul sister and love-bombing me to distract me from seeing what was really going on under my roof. The whole truth was about to come out and it got much worse. After I demanded she and her son and her three dogs leave my home (facilitated by a police escort), my husband confessed to me that they had been engaged in an emotional and physical affair for months and had fallen in love. KNIFE 🔪 IN HEART ❤️. My wonderful, generous, loyal, faithful husband of nearly 24 years had fallen for my best friend and they each had betrayed me in the worst possible way. It was a trauma like I never knew existed in the world. It’s NOT like on tv or the movies, where you momentarily feel empathy and compassion for the wounded soul and then forget all about it once the tv is turned off or the movie has ended. Real life trauma from infidelity crushes the very fiber of our being and belief system. Facing the truth that your most trusted and beloved chosen people could/would conspire against you and betray you for sex is hard-core revolting. As I sat in my now empty home I understood what abandonment and real grief was. The shock. The aching. This disillusionment. The agony. The pain inflicted on me by these people I loved and who I believed loved me. For the following week, as Bestie was making her way back to Waco, my husband “went to the mountain” to face himself and figure out who he really was and what generally wanted. Turns out it was me and he did the hard work… we’ve BOTH done the painstaking difficult work of recovering, restoring, and rebuilding both life and marriage post infidelity. Some hard truths I’ve had to live with are how my husband put my health at risk while having unprotected sex. And how of all the people in the world he chose to betray me with my best friend. I’ve had to dig down deep and find grace to cover those decisions. And I’ve found forgiveness for both my husband and his affair partner – my former best friend. It’s taken a lot of soul searching and a lot of prayer, but I’ve found my way. We’ve found our way. We continue to grow stronger in our marriage and our communication and connection is deeper and more meaningful than ever. What still haunts me though, is the fact that her husband welcomed her home without knowing the truth of why she returned to Texas so suddenly. We have done STD testing but he doesn’t even know he needs testing. She has never faced any consequences that I’m aware of and I feel like I am in the unenviable position of having to keep this dirty little secret. It weighs heavy on me. I feel Bestie’s husband deserves to know the truth, but I’m afraid of opening up a Pandora’s Box. I also do not wish him any pain. So for the past 15 months I’ve been stuck in this Groundhog’s Day of questioning myself over and over about what to do. What’s the right thing? To tell (and possibly get thrown back into that putrid hell of infidelity trauma) or not to tell (and live with forever having to protect a horrible secret not of my own making). It’s a difficult dilemma. What would YOU do?
Definitely inform the other betrayed spouse, as soon as possible, for a multitude of reasons, not least of which if the affair partners were.having unprotected sex, there is a very real possibility that the other betrayed spouse may have been infected with a deadly STD and should have agency to seek medical help. My wife had unprotected sex with her supervisor, A doctor at the hospital where she worked and became pregnant by him. I was furious and determined his wife should know all the details.
So what would you do if you knew someone is cheating? I don’t know the husband at all but I know he is married to a woman I saw with another man. How should I go forward
I forgot about asking for advice. Long story short I told the AP’s wife. She did her own detective work and found out that her husband and my wife kept the affair going. Just hid it better. We’re done.
ALWAYS TELL THE OTHER SPOUSE!!!
I agree! It is bad enough to betrayed by your spouse, it’s another to realize You’ve been betrayed by many. Honesty, even if it hurts,is better than being blindsided by lies.
For one, the truth always comes out – no matter what/when. It just does. It’s in the stars and cards.
I told my affair partner’s wife and I have never regretted it. She has the right to know and make her own informed decision. He lied to her once, twice, thrice. By not telling his wife, this was just letting him continue to lie to her. I would advise to wait until the “cool off” period is over so emotions aren’t as rampant.
Would the burden be on the affair partner or the cheating spouse to tell the partner/spouse who is left in the dark?? What if the affair is over and time has passed? Would it be better or worse to discover the revelation long after the affair is over?