Discussion: Revenge After the Affair

revenge after the affairThis week we’re going to discuss revenge after an affair.

As our friends Susie and Otto Collins state, “Revenge is sometimes said to be sweet. If you’re dealing with the anger, outrage and hurt that can occur after your partner had an affair, you may be craving that purported “sweetness.” In fact, the idea of acting out in a revenge-ful way may even seem to make you feel less helpless and more powerful.

But beware, the bitter ‘aftertaste’ that undoubtedly comes with revenge will not point you in the direction you want to go– and that’s toward healing, renewed trust and happiness.”

Revenge after an affair can encompass many different things.  It can be a revenge affair of your own, or it can be getting back at your spouse of the other person in some other fashion.

Our discussion questions this week…

Did you ever consider revenge after the affair?  If so, did you actually follow through?  What was the result?

If not, why?

Regardless of whether you did or didn’t, what sort of affect did it have on you, your relationship and your affair recovery process?

Please remember to respond to each other in the comment section below.

Take care!

Linda & Doug

 

 

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66 Responses to Discussion: Revenge After the Affair

  1. RecoveringMommy August 17, 2011 at 9:42 am #

    I most certainly did consider revenge. I think it’s safe to say all of us do. It’s a natural reaction to hearing of a betrayal of this magnitude. To this day, I still struggle with revengeful thoughts towards the OW although I know my H is just as much to blame as she is. My first thought of revenge was on D-day. I had packed my bags and my children in my car and was headed to my parents. My first thought once driving was to call my ex-boyfriend of which I’d shared an on again/off again relationship with from the time I was 14 up until a few months before I started dating my H. But then I started going over the past in my head and given all the emotional abuse he put me through for so many years, decided a random “hook up” would not be worth it.

    As I’ve posted on here before, when I first discovered the EA, my H and the OW had come up with an elaborate story of how they had kissed only one time and knew immediately what they did was wrong and ended it. My H revealed to me the next day that there was more to it than that, which I assumed. They had been involved in an EA for almost a year and a somewhat physical aspect for about 4 months. It had not made it to sex yet, but I know it was just a matter of time before it would have. So in a weird way, thank God it all came to light before it went that far! But back to my point…sorry…I learned when I confronted the OW a few months after disclosure than she stuck to her elaborate story and her H only thinks it was one kiss. She now knows that I know the whole story. And on several occasions I’ve thought about calling her H and telling him everything. There are 2 thoughts that always stop me: 1) she has 2 small children and I would never be able to live with myself knowing I tore their world apart 2) if I were to tell and he leaves her, that leaves her free to meddle in my life again.

    My most recent thought of revenge is sending an anonymous letter to our school district to let them know that her daughter is illegally enrolled in school, as she doesn’t live in my school district. But the person that would get hurt the most would be her daughter and she’s done nothing to deserve that.

  2. Holding On August 17, 2011 at 10:55 am #

    The thought of revenge did enter my mind. If there was anyone around and available like that in my life, I might have done something. I’d like to think I wouldn’t have, but I don’t know, I was very hurt…still am.

    I have mentioned it several times to my husband, like “Maybe I should do this to you so you can understand the pain I am feeling.” Which is horrible. It is self-destructive ideas that I feel and then share. Drive my car off the highway bridge, escape with alcohol (when I’m not a drinker), etc. I know I am stronger and would not do any of that, but the thoughts have entered my mind.

    I did tell the OW’s H. I messaged him on FB about the relationship his wife had and gave the dates. I know they are separated and possibly going through a divorce, so I figured any back information (and I think this is not the first time for her) might help in his divorce proceedings. I never got a response back, but I didn’t need that.

  3. ClearEyes August 17, 2011 at 10:59 am #

    Revenge? You bet I’ve thought of it! Mostly against the OW – I so want to tell her H. She’s a poacher. Over the years, she’s involved herself with two other married men besides my husband in the same office.
    She plays the “damsel in distress”…..oh, her marriage is just convenience, for financial support…..oh, she hasn’t had sex with her husband for 6 years…..oh, a co-worker (not my H, but her current affair partner) asked her what color her bra was. She told my H that she felt “sexually threatened” by this man but instead of reporting it, she showed this guy her bra because she felt she “had” to to get him to stop harassing her. That man and her are now involved a PA, and everybody knows it – they think they are so discreet.
    Ugh.
    She involved herself with my husband about a year ago by first crying on his shoulder when her father passed away…..eventually was writing emails telling him what a “perfect couple” they would make and how she has had a crush on him for years.
    As far as I know my H’s EA happened all in the office over the course of several months. They didn’t travel together or see each other outside the office, but it was undoubtedly headed in that direction. Still, it was slightly more than a strict EA – there was kissing, caressing, emails, etc…but not sex.
    Yes, my H made himself available, so he owns a full half-share of this, too. But she had her sights on him for a while. She is a poacher. It took about 5 months after D-Day for him to see her that way.
    She has since taken a job for a different company, but in the same huge office building. They don’t see each other much, but she is still friends with some of my H’s co-workers. He has seen her on occasion but swears that they have not spoken since March.
    H & I have been married 29 years – we are not talking about a bunch of young, irresponsible kids here. These are all 50ish, educated, professional people. They’re just acting like selfish, irresponsible kids.
    So yes, I’ve thought about revenge in the form of telling her H about her affairs. I don’t know why I haven’t done it already, but I haven’t. I think I would have appreciated someone telling me that my H was seeing this OW…..it just happened that I found out on my own.

  4. roller coaster rider August 17, 2011 at 11:02 am #

    It’s normal when we’re hurt to want to hurt back, but I have never been happy when I did something that hurt someone else. “Vengeance is Mine; I will repay,” says the Lord is something I truly believe, and the sowing and reaping process is also a definite reality. I don’t have to ‘get even’ if I trust that all is seen, and everything has its own consequence, including my decision NOT to hurt back.

  5. mona lisa August 17, 2011 at 11:42 am #

    I shudder to think of what could have happened had I carried out my plan of revenge. At the time of discovery, I laid awake at night and thought about the “plan”. I had just retired from law enforcement and believe me I had a few ideas to take care of the situation. Thank goodness I had two daughters that helped me see the light. Revenge may have been sweet at the time but, I would have been the one to suffer the sentence and it would have destroyed my children and grandchildren. Looking back I realize that I was nearly insane with grief and anger. The death of a marriage is certainly a mind altering event.

    Recovering Mommy….Did she transfer her child to the school because it was a better program, or just so she could rub it in your face (and your husband’s), knowing that she would eventually run into the both of you at school functions. Looks like she may be working a little plan of revenge too.

  6. RecoveringMommy August 17, 2011 at 1:36 pm #

    Mona Lisa: I always remember her saying she would do whatever she had to in order for her kids to go to our school. She graduated from this school. She lives in the district of the rival school. Both are excellent schools. So no, I don’t think she did it out of revenge. But I’d like to think if I were in her shoes, I would consider how this would affect my H and also the daughter. I know my own daughter doesn’t understand why the OWs daughter is not her friend anymore and seeing her all the time just adds to the confusion. If she didn’t want to send her to the school in her district, there are plenty of good private schools around here. It may cost more, but I think it’d be worth it to protect my family. Whatever her reason, it’s illegal. And it’s not right that I have to be on edge at all school functions and be reminded of the EA. I’m not the one sending my child to the wrong school. My child has every right to be there.

  7. mamak August 17, 2011 at 3:53 pm #

    The thought crossed my mind. My husband’s EA was with a co-worker, and the company has a very strict policy against dating in the workplace. I thought about sending an anonymous letter to HR, telling other co-workers or her boss. The only reason I didn’t was that my husband losing his job would not have benefitted me or our children. I am so glad that I didn’t. I think it would have further damaged our relationship.

    I did threaten him a few times…that I’d tell his family, his friends that I would make sure they knew what he had done to me, that he did it while I was pregnant and that he used them as excuses so many times. I never followed through, I think because I was embarrassed – I didn’t want the world to know.

    I still wish there was something I could do or say to the OW…she was wrong too. She is a single woman who was trying everything in her power to get a married man, with one son and a pregnant wife. I want her to suffer like I’ve suffered, to feel pain like I’ve felt…but I know it wouldn’t do any good.

    • Healing Mark August 17, 2011 at 5:16 pm #

      Mamak, my heart goes out to you for having to deal with an EA occurring while you were pregnant. Hopefully, you did not find out then about the affair.

      For me, gaining any sort of “revenge” would not have gotten me any closer to overcoming all of the negative emotions that flowed through me as a result of learning about my wife’s EA, nor would it have done anything towards foregiving my wife which, while difficult, did occur and without this I see not way that we would still be married today (married for 16 years after dating and engagement of 4 years). I, too, did not and do not want the “world” to know, in part because of embarrassment, but also because the effect on my wife would be dramatic and would have, in my opinion, prevented us from being able to overcome her brief, but nevertheless hurtful, EA. Initially, I did threaten my wife with exposing the affair, but then realized how potentially harmful this could be, not only to the prospect of improving and continuing with the marriage, but also to my 2 children ages 11 and 8, and also realized fairly quickly that these threats did nothing to make me feel any better and were mostly counterproductive.

      I also threatened my “friend” and wife’s affair partner with exposing the EA to his wife and certain selected mutual friends if (initially) had any further contact with my wife, and later if his relationship with my wife even remotely began to approach what we think of as an EA or if he did not clue me in in the event my wife once again began to act towards him in a manner we agreed was and would continue to be unacceptable. This, fortunately, was extremely sucessful, but I believe only because the OM had previously decided, as had my wife, to stop the unexpected and then unwanted EA and to re-commit all emotional energy to his wife and his marriage/kids. Since I was virtually certain that by making my friend’s wife aware of the occurrence of the EA I would cause her even more pain than I was experiencing (which was a lot) and negatively impact her children, my recovery possibility and my children’s lives, none of which I wanted to occur, I knew that my threat was a hollow one. Fortunately my friend was not willing to test me on this one. Also, I felt pretty strongly that if his wife ever found out what had happened, she would tell other mutual friends and this was something I did not want to occur.

      Notwithstanding the foregoing, if a PA had developed, or if the EA had not ended many months before I discovered its prior existence and I could not see that my wife and my “friend” had been interacting appropriately (in my mind) since they came to their senses, I believe strongly that I would have physically assaulted the OM and likely caused as much damage as I chose to do. And GOD BLESS all commenting on this blog who have been faced with a spouse that has done more than perhaps hold hands or kiss with their affair partner, or a spouse that has continued the EA even after its discovery by the BS. To overcome either of those seems to me to be extremely, extremely difficult. So again, GOD BLESS and good luck with all efforts to heal and move on.

    • April August 18, 2011 at 8:20 am #

      Mamak, my husband had his EA while I was pregnant with our second baby a little more than a year ago. Now we have a 2 year old and a one year old children. I do not know if he still writing to the OW, I think they are messaging through the FB. I never confronted my husband because I know that I do not have that privilege to give him the ultimatum and leave. Simply, I do not have any relatives who could give me a little emotional support or a little help with our children. My mother is very ill, and I can’t tell her anything about my situation to make her sad.
      The OW is my husband’s ex. She lives far away, so their affair is only goes through their messaging on the internet.
      Strangely, I never thought about a revenge toward the OW. On the other hand, I am very angry with my husband, and once in a while I am thinking to hurt him the same way.
      I had a few chances to start cheating relationships, but I never did. Something stops me. At the end I understand that I just do not need anybody except my husband, and I see the revenge affair as another thing on my to do list beside taking care of my two toddlers.

    • RecoveringMommy August 18, 2011 at 12:39 pm #

      I completely relate to you, mamak! I was also pregnant when my H began his EA.

    • Surviving August 25, 2011 at 3:31 am #

      Me too kinda same thing…I was 8m pregnant when it all started.. the worse is that I was at a complete loss, that when my husband used to tell me to come with him to see a new colleague, I used to go, knowing that something was starting but not knowing how to deal with it and with the OW taking me for a fool and denying all the time…me too socially it would have devastated my husband if our circles of relatives and friends knew…but i did talk to everyone because I was desperate to survive…I never talked about the EA with anyone out of revenge, but even then, the news spreading out didn’t destroy the affair, instead it grew them stronger (i think)…she sent him a mail saying “…anything that does not kill us, actually makes us stronger…” as caption for an image of a rat trapped in a trap but actually using the bait (cheese) to have energy ang using the lever of the trap for sit-ups…i think nothing can end an affair unless both of the people involved definitely want it to end..

    • Cobb May 12, 2017 at 2:05 pm #

      Mamak you probably did the right thing by thinking of the kids first. But of course there are other ways that get revenge. You are certainly beautiful enough to go that route if you wanted to. I know I think about that constantly. Hopefully things worked out.

  8. Melanie August 17, 2011 at 5:00 pm #

    I have thought about revenge many times and during one of those really down days even went as far as praying for God to put someone in my path that would make me feel desireable again. Fortunatly God knows better than I do and I have not taken revenge. I have not really thought about revenge against the other woman because I dont want her to be free to go after my husband but I do often wish for her to experience some of the pain she caused me.

    • Bewildered August 17, 2011 at 6:53 pm #

      Hi. This is my first time commenting. My husband’s EA was with was with FIVE women with varying degrees of intimacy. I’m still reeling as the date of our marital tsunami was June 24, 2011.

      I’m still trying to figure out why he let it happen. The most intimate betrayal was with his boss; a woman I’d met socially three times. I feel as if the two of them were sizing me up. She was trying to figure out if I was competition or not. He was trying to see how I compared to her.

      I think the betrayal is more damaging to my self-esteem because, while I found her aloof, she seemed nice enough and he obviously liked her. She is the only boss with whom he’d had a “friendship”.

      The killing part is that over the last 3 – 4 years I would periodically ask him if he was having an affair and he’d always deny it. Because like most folks, we both defined affairs as strictly physically sexual in nature. Then I asked him if he had a crush on someone . . .”nope”. I, within the last 12 months or so, I asked him if he was having an emotional affair.

      I thought myself so clever for “coming up with the term” emotional affair. A friend of mine had recently divorced her husband for having non-sexual affairs online. During her sharing her disgust (this was not his first time getting caught) and anger we “coined” the phase emotional affair. When it was my turn to go through it two months ago I found that EA’s were not new and the term had been out there for awhile.

      Anyway, at first I didn’t define the term, EA, but he still said, “nope” when asked. On June 23rd. he came to me saying that things between us had to change. That this was not the marriage he wanted and not the marriage that either of us deserved. He confessed to sneaking around smoking and how dirty it made him feel; how he was losing who he was and he’d work too hard to find himself only to lose himself again. He said that he began to worry that if he was sneaking around smoking it wouldn’t be long before he was sneaking around and doing something else.

      That night I wrote him a long letter outlining for him my definition of physical and emotional affair. The letter was very direct/blunt, leaving no wiggle room for him to “answer while not answering” my question. It took FIVE days of pulling bits of info from him, but he finally admitted that he was having an EA.

      Now to the question of revenge. I think I might have considered it if he’d had feelings for one woman, but my hubby was an emotional whore. He had loving feelings for two of these women (one a co-worker that we’d go out for dinner along with her husband on occasion), the other his boss. Then there was the one that was tall, athletic and attractive; there was one that was sweet with a cute body and the one that he had fantasies involving her breast and his penis. Of the two that he had love feelings for, the co-worker EA had resolved itself prior to his admission. The one with the boss was in full swing. He wrote her a poem referencing her “stunning skin and soul”. It took him 16 years of marriage to me to write me a poem, his boss, a matter of a couple of months. He refused to tell me he loved me before we became engaged because, he said, that he only wanted to say that to one woman and that was the woman he was going to marry. What a gift that was. But in the last three years he said to the co-worker and the boss, and he claims that neither of them ever professed their love for him. I later discovered reciprocating emails from boss.

      So in this situation, on whom to plot revenge? Since we are working on our marriage, I can’t give voice to my anger, let alone plan how to get back at them. Three of the five are still oblivious to my husband’s mental groping of them. The other two . . . I’m stuck. He had the commitment to me, not them. Beyond moral fortitude, these women owed me nothing; HE, owes me everything.

      My focus has to be on finding my emotional footing again. Rebuilding my self-esteem, trust in me and trust in him. I can’t handle anything more.

      Is there anyone who out there that understands where I’m at?

      • Surviving August 25, 2011 at 3:48 am #

        Bewildered, I truly understand where u r.. my husband is a typical womaniser, an emotional whore as u put it…EAs have been going during our engagement and marriage too..I thought that the more I give him, the more loving and caring i was, the less likely was an external affair to flare up…how wrong i was…I think right now it would be hard to trust him right now…regain your self-esteem, do things for yourself, constructive things, sports, dancing etc.,…try forget about him, there is not much to lose, womanisers dont think deep in any of their relationship, they just like being in the initial “romantic” “addictive” phase, they dont move beyond..Maybe your case is diffrent, that there was a time that u were truly fulfilled emotionally in your marriage and u trusted him as H and W should…for me it was never the case…if you have children, rethink of them and the best u can give them..are you emotionally dependent on ur H? try not to be…am sorry if what I am telling you does not apply or is too judgemental, but its just that your story seems so like mine…I lost myself when i first knew him 10 years ago, i was always giving him everything i could emotionally, till the EA started when I had nothing left in me as a person, submerged by career, 3 closely spaced kids, family lives, etc.. i used to accept and be part of his 2-woman fantasies during our lovemaking so that he would not look for sex outside…but when ppl wanna do bad, they just do bad, even if you give them your heart, soul, mind and body..
        hope to hear from u soon, sorry again for anything

  9. Kathy August 17, 2011 at 6:31 pm #

    I’ve thought about revenge many times, particularly against the OW. Like ClearEyes’s situation, the OW was a poacher, a vulture just waiting for the opportunity and my H fell for it because he was vulnerable and she friggin knew it.

    Their EA has been over now since April, even though it was SUPPOSED to have ended in January. But I can tell now that it is over and done as my H is TOTALLY different towards me now than he was during the EA. We have talked about it more than I thought we would, and he has sincerely apologized numerous times, not only for having the EA, but for the pain he caused me. We are getting along really well and have grown a lot closer.

    And here is where my revenge comes in. He has had me come to his office for lunch on several occasions now, and on two of them the OW has walked through the lunchroom. The look on her face was priceless!!! (Happened today too!!!) She was soooo pissed! And I”m glad. Although I have to wonder…what in the hell she has to be angry about. He’s MY husband after all, and he SHOULD be having lunch with me.

    Anyway, don’t know if that qualifies as revenge, but MAN was it SWEET!!!

    Oh, and I did not say anything to her, or my H, at all. I just sorta smiled. Then, after she walked out, my H and I kept talking and laughing and had a wonderful time! Sweet indeed!

  10. Still hurting August 17, 2011 at 7:02 pm #

    Of course I plotted revenge. My favorite and perhaps the most harmful was contacting the OW’s supervisor and my H’s boss (they both work for a city police department) and showing their respective higher up’s the records of thousands and thousands of text messages sent during their work hours to each other. Plus they used city equipment like computers, phones and radio to conduct their EA. And then to top that off, I wanted to contact a reporter friend of mine who is always investigating police department abuses who would write about a police officer (my H) and a dispatcher (the OW) who were putting public safety at risk to conduct an affair and abusing city equipment during their work hours. I also wanted to let the OW’s husband know about the affair. The OW’s husband is a Captain with our city fire department. I figured my H needed to get his butt kicked by the husband he wronged.

    And I will admit a revenge fantasy like Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats”:

    I dug my key into the side of his
    Pretty little souped up four wheel drive
    Carved my name into his leather seat
    I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
    Slashed a hole in all four tires
    Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats

    I fantasied about doing the same to her vehicle too.

    Why didn’t I act on any of these plans seemingly justifiable for a betrayed spouse? I honestly don’t know. Partly because I didn’t want to hurt the OW’s three young children. Immediately after D-Day when the pain was so intense I couldn’t sleep, eat or stop crying, I had no pride or shame and could have easily fulfilled any of these fantasies without much thought.

    Five months from D-Day now, I have come to accept that karma will even out the score without my assistance. I have every confidence that karma will come back to the OW and she will experience a similar havoc in her world that her decision to engage with my H created in my life. I say that because she informed me that she didn’t do anything wrong and I simply “misinterpreted” the thousands of sexual texts and photos she sent to my H. Her unwillingness to acknowledge her part in causing pain to another woman will come back to haunt her.

    As for my H, he is already experiencing the karmic retribution of his EA. He knows that he will never be my knight in shining armor again and that I will probably never have complete faith and trust in him again. I still waffle about staying or leaving our marriage and while I am not intentionally hurting him, he is now experiencing the insecurity and pain that his EA caused me.

  11. DJ August 17, 2011 at 9:54 pm #

    Yep, me too – I’ve thought of all kinds of ways I could get revenge. Emailing everyone on their alumni association list, calling her husband, calling her kids, calling his family, divorcing him and taking everything, and finally – 8 months later – thinking about a revenge affair. I have a co-worker who has made frequent passes at me for the last several months, and I started thinking about taking him up on it. But no, I can’t go through with that or with any of it. God will deal with him and his OW. He is already suffering now. It didn’t hit him right away, but he is now losing weight, having nightmares and difficulty concentrating. I hope he’s learning something. I’ve had all those same symptoms for the last 10 months. 10 months today…

    I would still like to stick it to her in some way. If I decide to leave my husband at some point, I’ll probably do it.

  12. mamak August 18, 2011 at 8:54 am #

    Healing Mark – Sadly, D-day was right in the middle of my pregnancy. One of the things that got to me so bad was the fact that we decided to have a baby, got pregnant and at the same time he was involved with the OW. It seems (and he agrees) that he decided to give in to my desire for another kid to keep me preoccupied and focused on that and not his behavior. Baby arrived 2 months ago and is healthy and happy and is doing a lot to bring my H and I closer together.

    Bewildered – I know what you mean. I couldn’t eat o rsleep and all I did was cry. I even had to send my 5yo to grandmas because I wasnt able to take care of him. It’s been 5 months since D-day (tomorrow) and things are better. I have a really hard time on the 19th of every month….it’s like a bad anniversary…but it’s getting easier. My self worth is shot as is my esteem…there is still very little trust and H is on a very short leash. There are still so many triggers…and I’ve even had to find alternate routes home to avoid a bar that H and OW spent time at…but it gets easier…hugs to you.

  13. Still hurting August 18, 2011 at 2:22 pm #

    I have decided that if I do leave my H, I will name the OW in the divorce documents. I have all their email exchanges and the phone records to prove the EA.

  14. Paula August 18, 2011 at 7:32 pm #

    Didn’t have a lot of vengeful feelings intially, I was bewildered by why my friend thought it was okay to do this, let along my OH. So I tried desperately to meet with her to chat. She wouldn’t allow it. I even tried reaching out to her when we separated for a while, but my showing up on her doorstep, after texting her (she won’t take my calls) with morning tea, so that we could talk about what happened just resulted in her slamming the door in my face, and her printing off a “restraining order” (it was fake, I have some legal training.) I guess driving a couple of hours to talk looked a little stalkerish, but I told her I wasn’t really angry with her, just confused. Now I dream of writing messages on her lawn with weed killer “filthy c…” that kind of thing, she is very house and garden proud, which is not me at all, and I would never do it – for a start, I never use that word, lol, I would never lower myself to her level! But her inability to acknowledge my ongoing pain, and still texting my OH intermittently, and twice, meeting with, my OH, when he begged her to talk to me, and acknowledge her dirty spreading of a filthy STI to us, just makes me angry now. I just get so angry that she just gets to carry on with her pretty little life (she’s single, so no relationship repercussions for her) and I am in agony. She has left me stripped bare and I was determined she wouldn’t win, in the beginning, I was so strong, so capable, and so determined, but she kind of has, as I am not okay. I think we may well be at the end, as I now seem to have no confidence that I can feel safe again, and I view my OH in a very different, less flattering light than I did before all this, much as I see his pain and disappointment, and I still love him as much as ever.

    I saw a great quote yesterday that kind of sums things up for me, I thought we were in an equal and loving relationship before all this, but realise that I loved him more than he did, or ever can, me:

    “Mum, how do you know if the guy is THE guy? You mean if he’ll be a good husband? The ticket is for the man to love the woman more than she loves him. But shouldn’t it be equal? It can NEVER be equal. But what if the woman loves the man more? A life of hell awaits her. As women,the deck is stacked against us because time is our enemy – we age, while men season, and trust me, there are plenty of women out there looking for a man and they don’t mind staking a claim on somebody else’s husband no matter how old, creaky and deaf they are!”

  15. Candace August 18, 2011 at 10:45 pm #

    Revenge has not really crossed my mind. Unless you count the thoughts I have had of wanting to have an EA myself. I sometime feel like if I did have an EA I would find out why my H thought it was so much “fun”, as he puts it. But I have not thought of it as revenge. Revenge to me would only hurt the loved ones more that my H & OW. Becasue I really do not care too much about my H & OW feelings, but we both have kids & they have been hurt enough through all this.

  16. tryingtoowife August 19, 2011 at 6:14 am #

    Paula
    I am on 15 months post DDay and sometimes I also feel it is impossible to get to this good post affair relationship people talk about. I too NEVER thought we would have to go through the pain of adultery. We LOVED each other so much, we were a great couple. We shared interests, I helped him in his projects, I supported him and his dreams as much as I could, we cared for each other. I gave up a lot to be able to be with the only man I truly ever loved and will ever love in my life, and I never ever questioned any of that, because I was so happy. Now I do. What ifs…

    Like you, people saw us a the couple that was still in love after so long. We were always kissing and hugging. We were fun together and our friends made jokes about us. So I still don’t understand why things turned to be as they were. OK. He was going through a midlife crises, we had some communication problems, and the OW saw this amazing guy, and made sure to put her spell on him! He feel for it! There was never love there, it was only the promise of no string attached sex she gave him, that he was curious about he says and I believe him. But she fell for him very soon, and made his life hell as soon as he realised what he had done and wanted to leave, and she started with treats if he left her. He deserved all of it. But did I?
    He left her. Her revenge was to destroy him, by destroying me and our family. It is hell. I read one of your comment that your husband suffered some kind of blackmail too. My husband’s OW is single too and a complete mentally deranged person. She is the product of a abusive family. She is someone that has never been part of our lives until husband decided to bring her into our lives. That is our legacy!

    Funny I gave him so much for so long and he threw it away like garbage. Now I have so little to give and he wants me, no matter what and how. In the end this is not the kind of relationship that either him or I would ever settle for, but it is how it is now. But we still have good days, and I hold to them with my life! It show us we can still be good together. But when I lose it I am not myself anymore, I used to be a calm centered person, I don’t know where she is gone :-)! We both suffer. I have not given up yet but sometimes I despair. At least I know that I had 20 years of a wonderful life with my husband, something that the OW will NEVER ever experience with anyone. This is a good feeling I have when I think about it.

    Now, for you and me. Would you be any better without him? Would you be able to live without him? I would be able to live without my husband, I learned that through a brief separation, but only If I want to. I don’t. There still love between us although very wounded love. It was also my life plan to end my days with him, seeing our children getting married, perhaps playing with our grandchildren one day, getting old, sharing retirement, etc. If he is prepared to help me see the light again, I will keep trying, as NO ONE else can help me, to help me. I am trying really hard to let it go, to move on, even if in little baby steps. Each little achievement is a achievement, do not overlook them. And also sometimes we try to hard to work on feelings. Sometimes is better just let it life be and enjoy the moment.

    This is just my humble opinion, and forgive me if it is to obvious thing to say, or if I am stepping were I shouldn’t. But I feel your pain and it resonates with the way I sometimes think, then I have to be reminded why I stayed, why he stayed and not only why he strayed. Wishing you the best.

    • Holding On August 19, 2011 at 10:05 am #

      tryingtoowife – Thank you for your response. It’s another one that I have copied and pasted to reread when I need. I gain so much strength from reading what other people have been through and their insights, especially ones a bit further ahead and more “recovering” than I am at 7 weeks out. I copied from “But we still have good days” to the end.

      We are going away to celebrate our 16th anniversary this weekend. I love him so much, but I am also so wounded. All your positive thought are exactly what I needed to be reminded of today. We have a life plan, and I will keep trying.

      Thanks again for your message. I’m so glad for all the comments. They really do help. Sometimes to validate what I’m feeling, sometimes to give me hope, and also to remember how far I’ve even come in the past 7 weeks.

      • tryingtoowife August 21, 2011 at 5:31 pm #

        Holding on. Thanks for your kind words. Hope you had a great time celebrating your wedding anniversary! You are a brave one. 7 weeks is very early on, and at this stage I felt very vulnerable! But hold on to hope, even if/when you despair. It is certainly not a easy road, but the only one in front of us! I hope your husband understands the immensity of the hurt he caused you and will do ANYTHING to help you to heal. That is the only way forward. Good luck! We also had a great weekend together! Keeping my fingers crossed!

        • Paula August 21, 2011 at 8:06 pm #

          This is what I struggle with now, we also had some truly great times in the first two years after D-Day, I was sure we would recover and be okay again, maybe not quite as great, I knew there would always be a sadness that he betrayed my absolute trust, but still pretty good, he says, why not better, but I can’t imagine too much better, I was pretty damn happy, that’s not to say we were perfect, he had made some unilateral decisions about our business and home and I was angry at him for not consulting me, but I had communicated that, and then stood by him when those decisions had awful personal and legal repercussions within his own family (we still haven’t spoken with his two sisters and their families in nearly five years over all of this!) Obviously he wasn’t happy, but he never communicated that to me properly. In the last few months, I just can’t find the joy anymore, and it really confuses me, how could we come so far, and yet end up worse now? I think the reality of it all has finally properly sunk in, not that I’m an idiot, I thought I realised he had changed things forever by doing what he did, but I thought I would heal, and I haven’t. I just want to have some security and happiness in my life again. Like tryingtoowife, this guy was the love of my life, I thought, we clicked, we got each other, we laughed and laughed and loved and loved, we were great! I’m not downplaying the harder times, but they were few and far between, because we were a team, and seemed to almost always be on the same page. I gave up an awful lot to be with him, too, and I never minded in the least until now, because he’s shown me how little he appreciated my sacrifices, now I am starting to resent his selfish actions, and regret the choices I made, and I was never like that before. We had 21 years that were really great, I just can’t for the life of me understand how you could throw that away, he never even liked this friend of mine, always told me I was wasting my time with her, because she is the polar opposite of me, very money, status and corporately (taker!) orientated, quite hard, whereas I am more arts orientated and a probably much more of a giver, TOO soft, as it turns out. (He says the giver-taker difference between us is true in the bedroom, too!! lol) Weirdly, she is very buttoned-up, quite the prude, hasn’t stopped her from having plenty of sex over the years (she’s never married or been in a relationship that has lasted longer than 6 months – except with my OH!!) and contracting at least one STI!

          I am now questioning whether I will ever recover sufficiently to reclaim some of my joie de vivre. I know I don’t want to be with anyone else, in fact, the thought of it makes me retch, I’ll be fine on my own, just extremely sad it didn’t work out. This is why I can’t understand the thoughts of “revenge affairs” etc, I would just feel dirty.

        • Holding On August 22, 2011 at 9:37 am #

          It is early out. I am very vulnerable. Maybe it was a mistake to go away? It was wonderful the first evening, then the second day as we were out and about, there was a trigger and I was sad and quiet, but worked through it and came around. Then again a huge trigger (or maybe not a trigger? thought?) of a hit in the stomach of “My husband, my love, my everything, did this to ME. ME. His WIFE. I can’t believe he did this to ME.” That one was on the way home and I fought and fought to not cry, but it overwhelming.

          I try to hide that I am sad or hide my tears, because I don’t want to hurt him or distance him. But I told him last night that I’m going to just tell him before I get too emotional and stuff, but just report the facts that I’m feeling sad or angry or I’m thinking this way, and try to make it more open. Hiding or keeping away from him to try to protect him ends up probably hurting both of us worse.

          So anyway, I did try to “deal” with it by hiding the tears, being sad in the car. It went downhill from there, to escaping away alone to cry when home and in his eyes our anniversary was “ruined” by what he did (affair). I don’t think it was a horrible weekend. I can focus on the good of our time away, but it ended up making him feel quite bad. He has a hard time talking about it, but I am trying to make him realize that it’s not about him and what he did. It is about ME, and helping me. I don’t feel sad so he can apologize over and over. It is my process and I just want him to help me with my grief and pain, like he would help me if I was a rape victim or our child died. I want him to step away that “he” was the cause, but I’m not sure if that is even possible. I think that is what makes this recovery so hard. We have our first counseling session this week (quite a wait!) and I hope she can help us some. I hope she validates that talking about it will help? He asks me how talking about it helps us, but I don’t have any answers…it just does??? 🙂

          I have a lot of positives. It was a short EA. Only 2 months. I caught a photo text and was able to stop it. It was just the beginning of sending photos, clothes on, thank goodness. It was long distanced with texts, messages, chats, phone calls. There was nothing physical and no meetings. My H was trying to find a way to end it and was holding back on many things like sexting, photos, etc. So I guess that is a positive. In my mind, once I have him back longer than he was with her I might be able to move forward a bit. Is that crazy thought? Only one more week for that milestone…

    • Happyagain August 19, 2011 at 11:46 am #

      Hi tryingtoowife, have you thougth about going to a marriage retreat? My h and I attended two. Retrouvaille and a Weekend To Remember. Both had their good points but it was at the Weekend To Remember where I finally felt closure. Let me know if you would be interestered and I can give you some information.

      • tryingtoowife August 21, 2011 at 5:11 pm #

        Happyagain, Hi!
        Thanks. We have not tried that one yet. We have been in counseling, and the list of changes I, my husband and us together did to our lives is huge! We will see. If we can not work it out, it would leave two lonely and very sad people! But we want it to work, so that is a good thing. Let’s see. By the way we are in Europe. Good luck to you!

        • Happyagain August 24, 2011 at 8:33 am #

          Hang in there dear. This takes a long time to get through this mess, but when you can let go of the anger you will notice the biggest difference in your relationship. Even though you don’t know me the last year has been totally remarkable in our healing. I am so glad to see you are in counseling. I don’t think we would be where we are today if my h had not gone to counseling. Sometimes it does you good to step back from you situation and really look at all they dynamics of what happened. Some of the things my h did during his afair are laughable to us now. It is so nice not to have to have what he did with her the center of our conversations any longer. I wish you well in your healing.

          • Healing Mark August 24, 2011 at 9:23 am #

            Everything Happyagain notes has been true for me and my wife. I, too, was sceptical of posts like this shortly after discovering the prior existence of her EA. But time and sincere apologies and foregiveness plus addressing any unaddressed issues in marriage can result in a better marriage than existed at time of EA. The crap you go through to get there sucks, but you will hopefully find yourself happily married once again with triggers being shrugged off as just a bad dream.

    • Paula August 19, 2011 at 8:15 pm #

      tryingtoowife, thanks for your response, we sound like we have similar stories! Only difference is that OW was supposed to be my friend (for over 32 years) I felt pretty good, and like we were going to “show them all” how much we loved each other by surviving this, but I just feel miserable now, I think the two year mark might have been the trigger, as I expected to feel at least a little better by now, and I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I too, absolutely adored this man, he was my rock (and I was his) and we were still passionate about each other – even during the time he was shagging her! I just don’t understand why I’m worse now? The lovemaking was still amazing, but now I cry every time we make love, and I can no longer control the images of them going at it like mad things. It’s bizarre and so destructive, and I know it. I just want to stop hurting him, by having to act so damn guarded all the time, I used to be such a free spirit, and for him to have a happy life. He thought that we’d make it, too, he says he’s always loved only me, that it was just a total F-up, and he can’t believe he got caught up in it. I don’t want it to scar our lives, and our children’s lives, but I seem unable to control my emotions anymore. I told him last night, for the first time, that I don’t think I am ever going to get over this, and he agreed that we are certainly in a very sorry state, and he is torn apart by the agony he has caused. That’s not to say that I don’t understand my contribution to this, but he admitted to me last night that I have been an amazingly supportive partner and mother, and he still thinks I’m the sexiest thing alive. How sad, because I feel like a dried up old prune!

      • Surviving August 25, 2011 at 4:08 am #

        Paula, I think it’s a real great thing if you believe him when he compliments your attractiveness… I know I will never believe him again in such things.. I make myself more and more attractive nowadays, out of revenge, but I dont fall into the trap of his compliments again..

  17. mamak August 19, 2011 at 9:28 am #

    It’s reassuring to me to hear that other women were pregnant when their H’s had their EA’s. When I searched online for support from other women who had similar situations, all I found were stories of when the H had gotten the OW pregnant, and that was not what I needed. Just reading that there are others like me has made a world of difference in my world.

    This is totally unrelated to the concept of revenge – but I had to share this news with others who could understand and be happy for me….The OW put in her two-weeks notice yesterday! 2 Friday’s from now will be the last time my husband heads off to work with her. I couldn’t be happier. I know that this will make a big difference in my recovery! No more worrying every day when H goes to work!

  18. Happyagain August 19, 2011 at 11:41 am #

    Hi all. This is my first time posting here. I am almost 2 yrs out from the last dday. My h of 39 years had an EA with his boss. For 2 yrs before they entered into the EA she had thrown out her fishing line and slowly reeled him in, hook line and sinker. She is what I have come to know as a howorker. She was his boss and also was a damsel in distress. Her first h beat her (so she said) her second husband left her while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery (so she said), and she was living with a guy she met on the internet that just moved in on her (so she said) and she wanted to get rid of him.

    She would tell my h all about her sad pitiful life (and he would come home and tell me). However, my warning to stay away from her went unheeded. He felt so bad for her and wanted to show her that not all men were like the ones she had been involved with. He wanted to take her out and show her a good time because her live in boyfriend did not. However, he showed her just the opposite that men take what they want from who ever is willing to give it. Their affair ended 2 yrs ago this coming Sept. and her knowing that he didn’t love her and came back to me is also revenge.

    I thought of revenge many times, but that would put me on the same level as the OW and I just didn’t want to be in the gutter with her. Besides the best revenge is being happy in my marriage again. She can wallow in her self pity all she wants and her life will never be anything better than what it is. Oh and we heard that she is dying from cancer. Yeah right, just another ploy to try to lure my h back, but it didn’t work. He wants nothing to do with her and it makes him sick to his stomach to think of how bad he hurt me and our family. To him she has already died and my friends that is my sweet revenge.

  19. Aarti August 19, 2011 at 3:40 pm #

    Happyagain – ironically your user name sounds very far from the truth.

    • Happyagain August 24, 2011 at 8:15 am #

      Aarti, I am sorry you feel that way, but finally after almost 2 yrs I am Happyagain and the reason is because my h and I have recommitted to each other and have allowed God to work in our lives in a way He has never worked. I hope one day that you will be happy again.

  20. Bewildered August 19, 2011 at 6:40 pm #

    I don’t want to anger anyone, being a newcomer and all . . . but it feels as if the cheaters are being let off the hook quite a bit. When I feel myself getting anger with his boss, or blaming her, I stop myself. Who promised to love and cherish? He did. Who had the commitment to me? He did. Who knew (or should have know) how much his actions would hurt me? He did. Who lied to me day after day? He did. Who pushed me out of his heart in order to make room for her? He did.

    Who will have to learn to trust again? I will. Who will have to find a path to forgiveness? I will. Who will have to erase the imagined pictures in my head? I will. All he has to do now is what he should have done all along; make me and our marriage a priority, be honest, be faithful, be available and be loving.

    Am I happy that his boss didn’t blow him off? No! Do I wish my well being had been important to him? Yes! Will our marriage survive? At this point in time, I’m hoping so. Yet to be determined.

    • Caledonia August 22, 2011 at 11:32 am #

      Hi – I too am a newcomer, but Bewildered, your words rang so true. I know that there were reasons why my H had an affair, and I know that I am in some way at fault – Not for the affair – but for my behaviour towards him prior to the affair. However, I cannot understand how he thought it ok to lie to me, be mean to me, lie to our children, leave me (albeit for 24 hours!) after 17 years of good, kind, loving partnership and marriage. I too have changed now – he works away and I am constantly in turmoil – what is he doing? who with? does he really want me as he says he does? Why did he do it? How could he? I found out about the affair – physical and emotional – April 12th 2011. I threw him out and after 36 hours of his crying and begging for forgiveness I took him back. 10 weeks later – after 2 councelling sessions, countless hours of questioning and recrimination by me, he said that I had pushed him too far, he thought I should have forgiven him by now, so he left. He went to her. He stayed with her for 1 night and then again phoned in tears, begging me to forgive him and take him back. I asked him to go to friends of ours to talk things over with them – I needed their opinion of how he was feeling -= genuinely remorseful, hurt, sorry, still had feelings for Her? 36 hours later he came home again. He says that I am the only one he wants, the only one he ever wanted and that he is utterly destraught at what he has done. He is being very attentive, and kind and loving – too loving in some ways as I am not really ready for anything too physical yet, although we are sharing a bed as I am trying not to create any greater distance between us. I am so mixed up. In some ways I want it to work – we had plans for life and ouir children adore him. In other ways, I want him to go away – I can’t bear that he has done it and I can’t feel the same about him anymore – will it ever come back? Sorry for rambling………….

      • Healing Mark August 22, 2011 at 4:46 pm #

        Caledonia, don’t give up hope. I can’t tell you that they will come back, the feelings of love and desire for your partner, but I can tell you that they can come back, as they have for me. But trust me, they didn’t come back to me as fast as I would have liked them to, and when they were missing (I actually never stopped loving my wife, but I SURE didn’t love the person she was while she was having the EA, and am so glad that she snapped out of it and with counselling we learned how to be an even better husband and wife team), my life sucked pretty hard.

        Let me suggest to you that you try very hard to once again be intimate with your husband, and to actually ramp up your “interactions” even though you don’t feel very loved, cared for, respected, etc. My wife and I each agree that we “healed” a lot by becoming more active in bed and trying out new things that were things we were sharing together as typically only two people close to each other would share.

        Let me share that my wonderful wife (although not so much during her EA) did many things that shocked each of us and that she is very ashamed of while in the “fog” of the EA. She did things knowingly, like lying (she was confronted four times about the existence of an affair and lied each time, sometimes rationalizing it as not a lie since she had not had sex, and finally just accepting the fact that she was lying as an act to keep from hurting me), and unknowingly, like picking stupid fights just so she would not have to deal with me and could pick back up texting, emailing or telephone calls with her EA partner. She just wasn’t the same person, and while she was making choices that were hurtful and harmful, I believe that the existence of her EA, a relationship she never meant to be in but quickly found herself in, made it easier for her to make these choices and not feel badly enough about them to chose not to make them. Don’t know if this was the same for your husband, but think about it and see if the person he is now is a different person and a person that you could be happily married to such that you can “foregive” the terrible mistakes that were made by your husband during the affair with an understanding that you will NOT tolerate any such behaviours in the future.

        Good luck with efforts at healing and I hope that your husband can do as much as he can to assist you in this regard. I suspect he can if he wants to and you will let/guide him.

        Healing Mark

        • RecoveringMommy August 23, 2011 at 9:45 am #

          Thanks for your words, Healing Mark. Needed to hear that today!

        • Caledonia August 23, 2011 at 1:43 pm #

          Thank you so much for those words – you are right about how he was behaving during the affair, he was an entirely different man. In explanantion, He said that he just found himself in this situation when he was at a very low point: we were in a terrible rut, I had said some pretty ugly things to him, he had just been given a HUGE promotion which menat him living away from home all week and missing us, work was very stressful and She came along and showed him a ‘way out’. She was nice and loving to him and he found himself in a fanatasy that he couldn’t get out of. My problem is that I believe that he was thinking of leaving us before I found out about the affair and I cant get it our of my head. We have been intimate, although not recently as he had unprotected intercourse with Her and we are waiting until he has been tested. We do cuddle etc, but I just feel numb. I am sure I could dig myself out of this but I seem to revel in reminding Him what he has done and making him hurt – evn though in my heart I can see that I am hurting him and pushing him away – oh God, what a mess………..

        • Happyagain August 24, 2011 at 9:04 am #

          Hi Healing Mark, your story sounds so familiar, I think your wife and my h could be twins and your situation sounds so like mine did. When they have an EA it seems that they can’t be nice to the EA partner and us at the same time. They do pick fights, say things that hurt because if they didn’t they could not justify their actions.

          I agree with your advice to Caledonia. I would also like to add to be physically connected out side of the bedroom too. For instance, when you are going somewhere hold hands in the car or touch his arm. This touching brings you closer. Also, tell him what makes you feel good, safe and secure. For me I like to feel his hand on the small of my back as we enter a restaurant or a building. The big thing is to communicate with each other. Make sure you have some alone time where you can talk about what makes each of you feel good, happy, sad or angry. The first thing to go in most marriages is communication. Once you can start to communicate again you will find out things that each of you have kept hidden way too long and this communication brings about intimacy. During their EA’s they talked about things that brought them closer to each other. That is how you bring intimacy back into the marriage.

          One other thing, don’t try so hard to put your marriage back together especially right after you find out about the A. Relax a little and let the healing come naturally. By trying so hard it causes us to stress out over things and say things we don’t intend to say. But do try to spend as much time as possible with each other just the two of you alone. Remember back to your dating years? I remember we used to just sit in the car and talk for hours, then when he would drop me off at home he would call me and we would talk for several more hours. Work on getting that type of connection back again.

          You can have a better marriage after an A.

          • Healing Mark August 24, 2011 at 12:28 pm #

            Happyagain. Amazing. My wife and I found much of what you have described to be not only extremely helpful to getting us back to where we wanted to be in our marriage, but also a lot of fun and fulfilling. We see it over an over again that communication is key to marital happiness, so much so that it often frustrates me. But once my wife and I began to talk to each about things other than household matters and child rearing matters, it was amazing how much closer we began to feel.

            Also strongly agree with not trying too hard. Before discovering the EA, I had sensed that something was wrong and that my wife seemed to be getting awfully close to my “friend”. In hindsight, and my wife will even sometimes laugh about it, the classic indications of the existence of an emotional affiar were almost all there with respect to my wife, especially picking needless fights and allowing minor conflicts to evolve to huge disagreements with, unfortunately, a lot of button pushings and hurt feelings. I was very much trying to reel her back in, but in doing so, I was really pushing her away, something she confirmed in marriage counselling. Once I said something to the effect of “I love you and want you to be my wife, but if that is not what you want after we have tried to address issues causing us unhappiness prior to counselling, then let me know and let’s move on.”, my wife said it for some reason became easier and less stressful to regain the feelings of intimacy we had much more of before she began her EA.

            So I second the statement that you can have a better marriage after an affair.

  21. Tracey August 20, 2011 at 6:18 am #

    I think we all want revenge, especially when the spouse doesn’t believe they’ve done the wrong thing and then justify it!

    I couldn’t do the revenge affair. I have no motivation to be intimate with anyone as the person I’m most intimate with had just betrayed me and I don’t trust anyone!

    I did contact the OW’s husband. She had supposedly told him everything and I was contacting him to confirm details of the affair as my husband didn’t want to discuss it. I found out that he knew parts of it but not all. He had no idea it had been going on for 18 months. I’m still in contact with him and we still compare notes but only to confirm to ourselves what type of relationship they still have.

    I read many of her emails to my husband and I did eventually email her in response. She had made many claims about my ability as a wife and other claims about how she was the only one who could love him and who knew him. I knew that there were many parts of my husband’s life he had not revealed to her and I told her. Some of those things would have shocked her, especially the website meeting places for ppl with sexual fetishes that he was using during the time he had an affair with her. He had also slept with my best friend 9 years ago.

    I also pointed at her ability to be a wife and stated that since she had given up on her marriage, betrayed her vows and been completely dishonest, she had no right to comment on a partial view of someone else’s marriage.

    She never responded but it made me feel better that I could defend myself against the lies my husband had created to justify his affair.

    I also email her articles that I find about emotional affairs and the reality of them. I’ve copied quite a few from this website for her and my husband to read. I’m hoping to break the affair fog bubble with other ppl’s words.

    Thanks to everyone on here that shares!

  22. Notoverit August 20, 2011 at 12:01 pm #

    Revenge is indeed a dish best served cold if only I could do it. There are a lot things that I could literally destroy the OW with, including taking away her professional life. BUT what does that leave me with? I agree that it would still leave something between me and my husband that we need to work on. Yes, she was a barracuda lurking and waiting until he fell for her crap (damsel in distress is very common with these narcissistic or border line personality bitches – look these up folks and see if the OP fits the diagnosis). He still fell for it. So what does revenge do to repair our problems? Nothing. Yes, I would have a momentary rush of accomplishment but I would still have to return to my life and my problems. She’s still taking pot-shots at me eight months out and my psychologist told me the best revenge is to ignore her and her drama. I would like to destroy her but it wouldn’t accomplish anything. What hurts these types the most is living well and being happy. I am sincerely trying to do that.

  23. Kristine August 23, 2011 at 12:37 pm #

    I thought of revenge of course immediately after finding out about the adultery but not to get even with another person, my heart was too broken for that and I felt too unworthy to even think about getting dolled up and summoning someone (although when word hit that we were separated many men came out of the woodwork looking me up — sooooo not what I was looking for)!

    I wanted revenge on my husband. Like, I wanted to rip his heart out of his chest and hold it in my hand until it stopped beating kind of revenge. I wanted to kick.his.ass. That’s what I wanted to do and I honestly did try to the day I found out. I had nothing but immense shock, pain and anger the day I found out, primarily because I felt like a fool. My husband had been asking me to be patient while he worked through his feelings. He was going through “mid-life crisis” symptoms and he knew it and I saw it and we talked about it but he kept saying he’d never do anything like what he ended up doing and he kept asking me to be patient and he showed such dr. jekyl mr. hyde signs. One day he’d be cold and distant, the next in tears and proclaiming confusion and that he didn’t know why he was having the thoughts he was having. I felt duped and abused and the only way I knew how to make him pay was in a nutshell, cause him bodily harm. I felt that was as close as I was going to get to making him feel the way I did. It didn’t last long but I don’t know how anyone can NOT feel that way. it’s so painful!

  24. Keri August 23, 2011 at 11:51 pm #

    I found out about the EA in mid-June of this year. We have a one year old son together, have been together 3.5 years and he was talking/having EA’s with at least 3 women I know of. He never had sex with them but did kiss one. I talked to 2 of the 3 and one admitted to kissing him but the other did not. He didn’t even tell them he had a SO or had a baby so I don’t really feel like the blame lies with them. He gets angry if I bring it up and tells me I am “ruining” our good day. It has only been 2 months and he acts like it is no big deal because he “supposedly” never had sex with them. I feel there were more women e was conferring with and these are just the 3 I found out about (he left his IM up on his computer accidentally.) He was talking to some woman in the Phillippine’s online the whole time I was pregnant, telling her he loved her and who knows who else. This is such a horrible time for me, I am divorced from a 11 year marriage where “cheating” was involved and now this. I am 38 years old, have 4 kids, quit my job to take care of “our” son and am totally depressed. He is such an @ss to me when he did this! SOmeone please tell me how to get over this, he says he has no money to go to counseling and that if i want it to work I have to look for counseling places too. He actually told me I needed to apologize to him tonight for bringing up his EA’s….

    • Roller coaster rider August 24, 2011 at 8:14 pm #

      I have to agree with Serendipity, Keri. I think this man is trouble, and as hard as it may be, I think you would be happier and have more stability as a single mom. I am so sorry.

  25. Serendipity August 24, 2011 at 2:29 pm #

    Oh dear Keri
    I know I am new here, but…I honestly think you have a bad one there! He pretends that you and your baby don’t exist and flirts and messes with 3 other women!
    If I were you I would be figuring out how to live on your own and concentrate on your kids cos he does not deserve your energy!
    DON’T APOLOGISE! You go to counseling, for you, to help you feel strong and then learn how to tell him to face up to his responsibilities.
    S

  26. ifeelsodumb October 11, 2011 at 7:26 pm #

    Revenge…OH YES!! My revenge has been sweet…the OW LIVES on her FB page….soooo… on my husband’s FB page there are pics of us laughing,cuddling, songs dedicated to each other, etc…The funny thing is, H doesn’t even know the password to “his” FB page…he wants nothing to do with it!! So I “manage” it….and I deliberately left it open to the public so she can see what is happening in our life!! Like the super romantic weekend in the Keys last month…oh yea, she got to see that, and the surprise birthday party my H threw for me, surrounded by loving family and friends…And the pic of me in the cute little outfit that H bought…yep, she got to see that one to!!! LOL!!
    Because the one thing I do know based on what I’ve gotten out of my H is that she and her H don’t get along at all…that’s why she decided to go after MY H!!! So yea, H and I are still having our problems…I still cry, feel incredible sadness…but not so SHE would know…as far as she can see when she snoops on his FB page…and let’s face it…you KNOW she does!!! What she see’s is a couple that are more romantic and loving then before…and it’s true, we are…it’s just that there is still a lot of pain that comes and goes…we will get through it, I’m determined that that will be my ultimate revenge…we WILL live happily ever after!!!

  27. Anita November 5, 2011 at 10:25 pm #

    Forgiveness is what God asks us to do, and it works. By forgiving it releases all the poison that you feel toward the other person. You only hurt your self when you don’t forgive.
    Many times the other peron has gone on with their own lifes, and if you don’t forgive your stuck in the past. It hurts you more then them.

    • ifeelsodumb November 6, 2011 at 3:17 pm #

      Anita,
      Some of us just aren’t there yet…I have prayed and prayed, asking God to help me forgive my H and the OW and the members of his family that helped hide this from me!
      And I will get there..ONE DAY…but that day just isn’t now! I will forgive, it’s my nature to do so…My nickname growing up in my large family was “The Peacemaker”. I don’t like being upset with people, or having people upset with me.
      But for right now my anger protects me from more hurt…when I feel I can trust my H again, then I WILL be on the path to forgiveness…right now though, I feel my H used my forgiving nature against me…and though I do love him, he has to understand that there ARE consequences for his actions.
      So I will forgive him, the OW, and my H’s family members when I’m ready… I’m intelligent enough to realize that by not forgiving ALL of them I will only be hurting myself in the future…but I’m not ready yet…healing from this is a long, painful process…and I’m not going to rush it…and I really feel that God, since He is my Heavenly Father and knows me better than anyone, understands my heart and knows that in time I will be ready to truly forgive.
      I’m glad that you are past the point of pain and have been able to forgive…but everyone is different and some need more time than others…

  28. Anita November 6, 2011 at 6:58 pm #

    ifeelsodumb,
    It also took me awhile. It happened in bits and pieces, it wasn’t a one time big event. There is so much that comes at you at once, you need time to pick it all out and sort through it.
    Sometimes I would go for weeks and months then another piece would float up, but the more I worked through it the easier it became. Time was also something that helped.
    I just remembered something, that popped into my head when reading your post. I remembered being upset with my ex husband and his affair partner, and telling my exhusband that I was so red hot steaming mad, at him and her I didn’t know how I was going to forgive them, I preceeded to tell my exhusband that his apology meant as much, as the word eggshells, it didn’t mean anything to me, I also told him he might as well say the word eggshell, that about how much it meant to me. I now can laugh at this, because forgiveness does come. But it was a long hard traveled road. Hang in there and God does understand.

  29. ifeelsodumb November 7, 2011 at 12:18 am #

    Thank you, Anita…I read about your annulment on your other posts…Glad you are moving on. My H and I had a good talk tonight and I feel he is sincere in his remorse…today. Tomorrow I might feel different…Like I told him, it’s the roller coaster that we are riding on right now…I want off, but unfortunately that’s not possible. Just going to try to make it through the holidays as normally as possible…which is hard, because he was involved in his EA at this time last year…but I’m having more good days than bad, so that is a positive… 🙂

  30. aida March 16, 2012 at 11:19 pm #

    this is the best site on this entire forum

  31. Wifey2u January 10, 2014 at 4:31 pm #

    I did it, I got my revenge on the website, Shes a Homewrecker. It felt good and right in the moment, but now, I am not so sure. My hubs AP found the posting, and we went to WAR, her friends tried to stick up for her, but what defense is their against the fact that she was dating my husband of 17 yrs. behind my back. I only chose to reveal her after she taunted me, stalked me and would not stop trying to contact my husband after he had told her, they were done and to leave us alone. It was maybe not the right thing to do, it felt great at the time, but now I see, that it kept me pain shopping and keeping it alive, for longer than it should have. I used to visit the site regularly, and defend the wives as they had defended me. I soon found though that it wasnt helping me or my healing. I will never be sorry for exposing his AP, for the low person she is. I am only sorry that it has kept it alive far longer. This woman knew myself, our children, where we lived, how long we had been together, etc.
    She laid in wait, for years, waiting for an opportunity, to steal my life. I would never let that happen, never. I never mentioned in the posting all the awful things she said or did to me. Like defending her dating him, by saying “He was leaving you, Bitch” she also bragged that everyone in her life knew she was dating my husband, including her children. Her sons, that had gone to school with my boys, all their lives, since preschool. Her 8 yr old daughter, knew all about it. I was horrified, that she had drug our children, into it. She, to this day, see’s no wrong in her actions. She says I am wrong for posting it, because her kids will know!! That completely contradicts, what she had told me and what I knew to be true. I never mentioned her children, in the post, and could have easily, made keeping her daughter a lot harder. I almost went to her husband and gave him the phone records, that showed her to be an unfit Mother, given the amount of time, (almost 24 hrs a day) that she was on the phone with my husband. How much care did her young child receive, when she was on the phone, all the time? Having my husband tell her, how great she was, as she has such low self esteem, she can only derive any by having a man, (even someone elses) to validate herself. I dont recommend this avenue, but understand if someone feels the need, to even the score.

  32. Gizfield January 15, 2014 at 12:58 pm #

    I followed Shes a Homewrecker a while back. They had less than 9000 likes at that time, now I see it’s maybe 200,000. I didn’t follow it long cause the stories got kinda repetitious. Also, 90% if the other women were just buck ass ugly and so common looking. It’s definitely worth a visit to help yourself shed any television inspired vision you have of adulterers as being Glamorous, lol. Nasteee.

    • Doug January 15, 2014 at 1:54 pm #

      The site has received a lot of press lately due to law suits, etc. That’s probably why there are so many likes. You’re right though, there are a lot of “interesting” people featured on that site, to say the least.

    • Strengthrequired January 15, 2014 at 2:49 pm #

      I looked it up today and it has close to 300,000 now

  33. Gizfield January 15, 2014 at 2:10 pm #

    Wow, Doug, I hadn’t heard about any lawsuits but it’s not surprising. At that time they put the person’s name and photo on Facebook but now they refer you to their website. They also started he’s a homewrecker for the men. I never “liked” the page cause I didnt want to be

  34. Gizfield January 15, 2014 at 2:15 pm #

    Oooops, wrong button. I didn’t want to be affiliated with it. they had some cute ecards posted, and reader needs advice questions. I do research my state from time to time to see if anyone I know shows up. My city is a regular Peyton Place…

    • Strengthrequired January 15, 2014 at 2:48 pm #

      Gee biz, that’s a bit of a worry….

  35. Strengthrequired January 15, 2014 at 2:44 pm #

    Wow, I never knew this site existed. That is one thing I could never do, is post the ow name and details up. It is bad enough having family and friends know about my h ea with her, need alone the whole entire world.
    It may feel justifiable to post this persons details on such a site, but I think anyone that does, could possibly end up feeling bad afterwards.
    As we all know here, how many of these ow end up I with our h, and if they do, then our h didn’t want us as much as they wanted the ow, so let them have each other, live there own miserable life together. Yet placing pics up, advertising the ow all over the internet is wrong.
    Even though I am not in favour of the ow at all. I just don’t think it is right. I would hate to feel responsible for ruining another persons life, even if she did try to ruin mine.

  36. Gizfield January 15, 2014 at 7:58 pm #

    Lol, Strength, you know I can’t remember anything. I looked at the homewrecker site this morning and couldn’t remember if it said almost 200,000 or 300, 000 so I went low.

    • Strengthrequired January 15, 2014 at 11:50 pm #

      You know giz, I wonder if I had advertised over the internet the ow names etc, if it would have bitten me on the ass, actually knowing my luck it would have. Lol

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