Having an affair is probably the ultimate act of disrespect.  Among other things, the cheater disrespects their spouse and their vows.  But what about the loss of respect suffered by the betrayed spouse? Respecting your spouse again after an affair can be a major obstacle to overcome.

Respect is one of those words that can mean different things to different people. Merriam-Webster defines it as the quality or act of being esteemed or being held in special regard.  Respect is something that is generally earned over a period of time. 

If your spouse chose to have an affair, I’m sure you weren’t feeling esteemed or held in a special regard.  And I’m sure that the reverse was probably true as well, as you probably weren’t holding special regard for the cheater at the time either.

Many BS don’t view their spouse as the person they married. It’s like being married to a stranger. They have lost all respect for the cheater not only for the act of cheating itself, but also for the way he/she acted after being caught – with cowardice, lies and denial.

Once someone loses respect for another person, it’s tough to get it back.  We tend to be able to get over temporary disappointment in another person, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, arguments, etc., but respect is lost because you discover someone has fundamentally failed or isn’t capable of being an upstanding human being and doing the right things.

So once respect is lost, is it ever retrievable?  Can we get it back?  If so, how?

Can you respect someone who disrespected you so personally and in such a harmful deceitful way?

If the cheater puts in the hard work to help you heal and recover, does that warrant respecting your spouse again?

Please add your opinion and be sure to respond to one another in the comment section below.

See also  Infidelity Recovery and the Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Thanks so much!

Linda & Doug

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Inside the Mind of the Unfaithful
Understanding Why Cheaters Do What They Do

Doug talks with several ex-unfaithful persons who share their experiences, thoughts and feelings.  They answer the most asked questions betrayed spouses typically have for the cheater.

 

 

    26 replies to "Discussion – Respecting Your Spouse After an Affair"

    • Carol

      What a great topic, Linda and Doug. I have worried about this a lot, actually. I gradually lost respect for my H over the years because he did not shoulder responsibility for our children and house. He was raised in a household where mama was dominant, and where mama only felt good about herself when she was catering to her sons’ every whim (of course, she usually dictated what those whims were, what whims were and were not acceptable — heh — very dominant and self-focused personality). He was completely blind to this pattern and carried it into our marriage. He would ‘help’ — his word — when I got to the point of exasperation, but he seldom took anything off my plate entirely. Then he’d go through periods of being distant, cutting — I now realize these were periods when he had his flirtations going on the side. Then the EA — 6 months of chasing after another woman only moderately interested in him but content to toy around with him to satisfy her own narcissism (yes, she’s a lot like his mother, even down to looks — dark, pretty, but with too large a nose and too big an ass for conventional beauty). SO: my question now is how am I supposed to learn to respect this man again? And if I can’t, how in the world can we ever have a good marriage? Respect for men is so important. But at the same time, I just don’t know how I can respect a man who could behave basically like a spoiled adolescent through much of his adult life. To his credit, he’s not done what so many other CSs do: blame their spouses, make excuses, etc. He did do those things, for about two days, but by that point I was so fed up with being unhappy for many years and then ALSO having to deal with the EA that I told him he was full of shit and that if that’s really the way he thought he was too much of a fool for me and he could get the hell out of my life. That woke him up. 🙂 SInce then, he’s tried to change — I can see improvement in lots of areas — but he’s still pretty self-focused.

      Sorry for the long post, but here (at last) is the point: I think one key component for me re: respecting a man is to see that that man is strong enough to put others first. A man who pays warm attention to a small child, or who is attentive enough to recognize his wife’s needs and weaknesses even before she fully does, or who volunteers his time to help those less fortunate — that is a man I can respect! Don’t known if others agree, but from my point of view I guess one thing CSs might be able to do to earn back the respect of their BSs is to start putting others ahead of themselves (affairs are pure selfishness, after all, and it’s that childish selfishness that made them lose the respect of their spouses in the first place).

    • WriterWife

      I do think respect is something you can earn — it just depends on how much work it will take to get there. The CS no longer gets the benefit of “automatic” respect — they have to prove they’re worthy of it from scratch.

      What comes to mind first when I think about this question is how my husband’s EA made me look like a fool. Not just privately, but publicly. There’s no way the people at his work didn’t see what was going on (my H and the OW worked together). It’s one thing to know privately that your husband doesn’t respect you and your marriage but it’s another thing for all of your friends and colleagues to know. I think about going to his office holiday party just a few weeks before D-day and how my husband and the OW spent the entire time together like they were a couple — I was alone at the party, finding my own way from group to group. There’s something just very humiliating about that.

      I don’t know how a CS makes up for that. I think a place to start is by accepting responsibility, admitting guilt, taking the blame, not trying to weasel out. I think they have to work hard on recovery and not complain about the consequences of their own actions. And the CS shouldn’t try to downplay what the BS is feeling or should/shouldn’t feel. The CS has to accept it all — that’s the first step toward earning respect in my book.

    • chiffchaff

      It has been very hard to regain a semblance of respect for my H over the last year, mainly as you say because for a vast period of time he did nothing to earn it by his cowardice after discovery. It’s only been very recently that he seems to respect me again so my own respect of him is somewhat farther behind his. This doesn’t mean I dissrespect him in anyway but I work hard to remember to praise him and thank him and treat him with the respect I give others. That in itself was hard when he was treating me badly.
      He has gained respect from me only by admitting responsibility and finally telling me that he feels guilty about what he did, that was only a month ago. He just doesn’t think to tell me things and still doesn’t put the effort in that I would like.
      I do believe that trust can be regained, I wouldn’t be able to work on our marriage with him otherwise – I couldn’t stay with someone I thought I could never respect. Yes, he has to put in the work and continue to develop as a more mature adult in his relationship with me.

    • ChangedForever

      A great topic and one highlight from your post rings so true & so close to home for me: The mention of my H as a stranger. I recall on a few occasions, telling our marriage counselor that ‘this is not my husband, he wouldn’t do this to me, or us, or his children’ (putting HIMSELF first,) i still find that hard to believe. He was literally a stranger to me FOR MONTHS. that only began to change when he stopped contact with the OW and NOT before. Don’t assume contact has stopped if the ‘stranger’ still seems to be your CS… i still look at him every now and then and wonder how the man ‘ i knew’ for 30 years could have crossed the line for so many years without my knowledge and then began an EA/PA while we were suffering thru a major family crises with our children. My H? No way. But he found a way. He needed a friend when family times were extremely challenging, and he found the lowest of low lives ever. It happens, and he was already on the slippery slope hanging by a thread…so down he went. I can keep revisiting the ‘if only i knew…’ scenarios but i’m done with that. So maybe i’ve accepted at least that (that ‘it’ happened.)
      It took me a long time to accept that he did this even though he taught religious studies…but he had been able to compartmentalize and had already disrespected himself ..and me…so it was just another inappropriate relationship (but this time, he went ‘over the falls.’)
      So, it is up to me to learn to find what respect i can FOR him, and he, to learn to respect himself again. He seems to be doing okay with this, and doesn’t even seem, to me…to be doing the hard work. But maybe he’s compartmentalizing again. Unfortunately, and in my opinion, a cheater never can gain back the same level of (auto) respect they had BEFORE their selfishness. At times i feel very badly for my H, and still wonder how the hell all of that could have happened to him…but i’ve resorted to this: there are a LOT of selfish people out there who want what i have, & what my H & i had, so instead of going out and finding their dream, they steal another’s…so maybe, what goes around comes around….? … Hope so. …so i’ve also accepted that its not mine to pass judgement, those souls who have brought harm to persons thru their selfishness, who could have genuinely helped but not helped destroy someone, will be judged, but not by me. I will continue to help my H know right from wrong. THAT is his character flaw. But i chose to stay and honor my vows. I just hope i’ve done the right thing. I believe i did.

      • Sloan

        Your experience feels so accurate with how I’m currently feeling. Fresh for me though. I still am confused and afraid of his ability to compartmentalize things. I hate that I and our family was ever put in a box at all.

        Do I punish him for being raised and condition to cope with the hard times though? Can respect at the same level ever be fully restored. These are my struggles and questions too. I just don’t know what I believe.

    • Broken2

      Respect is a hard one and I dont think possible for a really long time after the affair…..like 2 plus years or so. When my husband was having an affair I was reading a book by SUsie Davis (I love her stuff) it was called called Uncovered. The book is about marriage and sex and what men think/need/want. I really liked the book and there were passages about relationships that I could relate to and I read alot of them to my husband. Then I found out about the affair and I ripped up the book and threw it at him. Fast forward 26 months of affair recovery and hell that we have been through. I really have only read probably every book written on affairs but none on respecting my husband…I didnt want to read that in fact he didn’t deserve that and it would have made me angry. What has he done to deserve my respect? He has done everything humanly possible to right his wrong (with a few mishaps thrown in). He has stayed the long haul of dealing with my anger, sadness, craziness. He has put himself last in everything we do. He drops everything when I need to talk….he says he is sorry still to this day….he comes home every weekend and says how can I make this the best weekend ever for you…he gives up doing things I know he enjoys because he would rather be with me….he is different. So I picked up another SUsie Davis book entitled Loving Your Man Without Losing Your Mind and I find my mind is receptive once again to loving him, respecting him and learning to trust him again. Believe me if you were on this forum 2 years ago and saw my posts you would know what an angry, bitter person I was. So in my opinion yes…you can respect your spouse again but it will take a LONG time. He isnt perfect…niether am I…he made a HUGE mistake and he was every nasty name I can think of but he is changing and evolving into a better man….I think all human beings deserve a second chance. I would want that for myself so I am giving this to him. There wont be a third. I believe respect like trust is earned and they go hand in hand.

      • Alicia

        You sound like you have been exactly where I am. My husband is trying so hard to right all his wrongs and he has made such a HUGE mistake as well. I am bitter, angry, sad, (rollercoaster most days)…even with medicine. I am so hurt that he could destroy our marriage after all he knows about me and after we have both been through to get back together after 20 years of separation. He was my first love and he claimed all he ever wanted was me all these years and we finally got together and it was the best first day of the rest of our lives. Our marriage meant everything to me. It is strange how the zing of his touch is gone, the connection and warmth I felt in my heart for him is gone…it feels so lonely. I miss us so bad. I am better than I was when I found out 2 months ago…had to confront them myself since he didn’t have the courage to just tell me the truth even though I was questioning him about everything and giving him ever reason to know that I was onto him. He just “didn’t have the heart” to tell me according to him. I am sick of this subject but yet, I can’t get mental images of the two of them out of my mind. He has since admitted a long history of porn addiction that I had no idea was there and he met this stranger online on a dating site and even though he wrote her every breath and talked to her every moment he had a chance to be alone and drove several cities away to meet her in person many times, he says she meant nothing to him. I have nothing nice to say about any of this and I have cussed more than any sailor has the right to. I have finally told him that any more lies or new details or anything that I learn will be an automatic end to our marriage. I have drawn the line and he knows that I am done with his lies and slanted truths. So, respect for him will take a long time for me…but I am glad I looked up this topic because I want to respect him and know that is what it will take to get our new marriage covenant restarted. I just don’t and will never understand why he wanted to do this.

    • Recovering

      My response to respecting my cheater husband is clearly a bit different than what I have seen here, though my opinion of respect is equal to others. I did NOT respect my husband when he was having his affair, though I didn’t know he was cheating at the time. He acted a fool! He treated me like garbage for reasons I couldn’t figure out. Everything was about him. He was blatantly cruel, and I would find myself saying, frequently, that he was mean. And he was. Since discovery, I lost what little respect I had for my husband, but I am already starting to gain respect for him back. Much of it comes from how he handled the fallout. For the first 4 or so months, I felt like my husband deserved as much respect as a cockroach squished under my shoe, but when the dust started to settle and my husband was still there after I had called him every name in the book and had thrown him out countless time… He refused to leave. He refused to give up on US. He flat out told me that he didn’t want a divorce… he didn’t want to be like his friend who was in the middle of a divorce because the friend had cheated and his wife was obsessive now and the husband wouldn’t deal with how he hurt his wife. Honestly, it has been the little things here and there… How my husband has realized how little support he gave me during my own rough time during his cheating period – a new college graduate – I graduated Summa Cum Laude, and couldn’t get a job to save my life!! I was depressed and already felt terrible about myself, and little did I know he was cheating… He has become my biggest cheerleader and fan! He steps up with the children like never before.. He supports me telling people about what happened even though he is ashamed, because he knows it was a choice HE made, and he knows I still need support… He is open and transparent… And he has taken OWNERSHIP that he was a bastard! He had to face it head on at work when the whore came back to his workplace. He got another job, and then when they were trying to convince him to stay, he had to openly tell HR about what had transpired so that it wouldn’t turn into a big bruhaha (he was going to another location within the same company – they could’ve blocked him from leaving EASILY since it was a lateral move and they were getting ready to promote him at his then job). He has not ONCE complanined about not getting the promotion! He openly told our friend, a man that doesn’t know about the cheating, that he had not been a good husband and was trying to be one now when that friend wanted to go out drinking ‘with the boys’ (which is how the cheating started), so he would not go. It is the things that my husband does NOW without my prodding or suggesting, that say to me how important our family really is to him. He KNOWS he messed up. He KNOWS he almost lost it all. I do not forgive him. I wont. But I have accepted that he has changed, and that our love has gotten us through. I RESPECT all that he has done, all that he has become, and all I know he can still be. He just as easily could’ve walked out the door, same as me. it was harder to stay… THAT is worth respecting!

    • Linda

      What an excellent subject Doug!

      I would have to say right now, I have no respect for my husband. Since everything has come back to me 25 yrs. later after D-day, due to his behavior towards me, I am now facing what he actually did to me. How can you respect someone who has lied and cheated on you and didn’t have enough respect not to? I think of all the people at his job that were aware of it, some our close friends, who were just getting ready to talk to him about it, but thought it was over. God, I wish he had ended it that first year, not 2 or 3 yrs. later. I still see some of them, just last week in fact at a football game and they were the couple that worked for him and was going to talk to him. I felt so humiliated as I sat there with them, knowing they knew what he did. They also knew the slut that worked at his office that he was having the A with.

      I had so much respect for him before the A, not as a Father as he wasn’t the best at that. But I admired and respected him for how hard he worked to get where he was and everyone respected him at his job. I felt that he respected me, but now towards the years before the A and definitely during the A, I can see that he didn’t always show respect for me, or at least acknowledge my accomplishments, it was all about him. After the A, I definitely have any reason to respect him. He didn’t own up to it at first, had already lied about it 3 yrs. before when I was told by the OWH that it was going on and he made me believe that it wasn’t. Then when I did find out, he lied to me for almost a yr. about everything, wasn’t remorseful enough towards me and the pain I was suffering. He didn’t seem to get the extent of what he had done, so I sure didn’t have any respect for him those first 4 yrs. after the A. I had worked so hard to keep the marriage together, he didn’t do hardly anything to make up for what he did. He still drank to much, didn’t treat me with loving kindness, got angry very easily. I will never understand all that and to this day, still don’t. I am still looking for those answers as to why he wasn’t remorseful. You have to work so hard after an A to earn the BS trust back, but he didn’t. I so wish I had left, but now at 68 it’s a little harder. I was only 40 then and it would have been better and easier. He still drank to much, wasn’t always kind and complimentary to me, thus I didn’t look at him with any respect. Now it’s even worse, these past few yrs. as I feel we have grown apart and not sure if any love is left at all. I definitely have no respect for him, he hasn’t earned it. He’s trying to finally these past 9 months, but still won’t give me the answer’s I need to move ahead and make a decision wether I want to stay with him, based on those answers. So, in regards to respect, my CS has definitely not earned mine and it’s all very sad. I look at him now with pity and when you feel that way towards a man, it’s hard to respect them. He had such a good thing going with me and our marriage and their is no way that he will ever be able to repair all the damage that he has caused and even if he does, our marriage will never have the special love that we had only shared with each other before the A. I thought I had forgiven him, but maybe I just thought I had, I really don’t know.

    • Broken2

      My point was that I dont think respect is possible for a long, long time AND only after the cheating spouse has done alot of work. If you are just finding out about an affair or past affair respect is impossible.

    • Linda

      Broken,
      Not sure if you are referring to my post? If you are, the A happened 28 yrs. ago, I found out about it 25 yrs. ago. So fast forward, 20 yrs. plus 5 yrs. of therapy, basically only me learning from it as he only showed up. Never working on repairing the disaster he created, just lying and anger and wanting it to all go away and never answering any of my questions. I had to see the OW to even get any answers and who knows if that was the truth? During all those yrs. he didn’t change to be a better person, but I kept hoping, forgiving and praying that he would be worth staying for and I was wrong. Even his job wasn’t done 100% like it was suppose to for the position he was in, so he lost it. Our life changed again and not for the better. Drinking, controlling and I was stupid for staying, even though I did leave for a brief period twice, but it wasn’t long enough. I should have moved out for several months. Even now, when he is trying to show remorse, stopped drinking, he still isn’t doing what I need and that’s to fill in the empty blanks that are on my mind constantly about the affair and the why’s, what took place and I get the standard answer, especially 25 yrs. later that he doesn’t remember as it’s been so long ago. So, even though I stayed for those next 20 yrs. or so, I can’t say that I can look at him and say that I respect him. Off and on during that time, but not now. I feel if he loved me enough and see’s how I am suffering that he would try his best to answer my questions without getting upset, so that I can heal and move on with my life, wether it’s with him or without him. That’s the least he can do, but he’s scared to tell me the truth, so I feel that his story doesn’t add up. So thus, I sure can’t respect him now, as he doesn’t respect me enough to try harder to correct things and stop making me suffer. Yes I could leave and still might, but it’s hard after 50 yrs. of marriage, which was the end of last yr. when we were fighting, so I sure didn’t see any need to celebrate it as I had planned so many yrs. before, even after the affair I was going to at least have a get together with our children and grandchildren. I am so angry at him for screwing up our daughter’s wedding, our 25th. and now our 50th. So, their is no respect right now for him as he sure hasn’t earned it. He thinks he has as he’s trying to be less controlling and has stopped drinking for 9 months, which is all good. Now I just want answers and he will have my respect, not like he had before the affair but at least better than I feel about him now in regards to it.
      Thanks for listening,
      Granny7

    • Dave

      It has been 11 and 1/2 months since “she” told me about her affairs – and she had been lying to me for 14 and 18 years for her two affairs (with the same guy). I don’t even know how to respect her. I thought that I’d be over this enough by now, especially since the affair was so long ago. …but I can’t seem to move on and gain any sort of respect for her.

      She is still a stranger in my house. She vaguely looks like the woman I married, but I don’t know this person. I don’t trust her. I don’t respect her. I can’t forgive her. I can’t forget what happened. I can’t look at her with feeling the sting, especially when she tries to be nice. (Those times are getting less and less frequent and she gets more and more impatient and frustrated with me.)

      I don’t see this ending well or us ever being what we were before.

      • Steve

        Where are you now?

      • TheBetrayer

        I am also curious where are you and your wife now in your life together? I have been desperately searching and searching for a incident of a woman cheating and betraying and destroying her husband, causing extreme turmoil in their family and then him forgiving, respecting and trusting her again. I am at 1 1/2 years since i brought my affair to my husbands attention(it wasnt exactly an admission more like a request to do what i had been doing for 7 months already, yes i know extremely heartless and cruel) i cut off contact to the other man immediately following my husbands explosive reaction. We went through a very rough patch, about 6 months of hell. I had another incident of disrespecting my husbands wishes in those 6 months also. I had developed a resentful mindset and had to learn to be selfless no matter what, to show love no matter what, to show him respect no matter what, to love unconditionally, and make a point of showing it, no matter what his actions were, no matter what his words were toward me. I am in NO way perfect, but ive tried changing my own mind and heart when they lean toward selfishness. I was the cause afterall. The absolutely devastating trauma i caused him and almost our entire family haunts me daily. At this point i struggle with his lack of respect, trust and forgiveness towards me. I have developed a completely renewed look at marraige, and am constantly trying to show my new way of loving. I feel loved by him, but i also at times i feel what i did has him feeling entitled to act and say anything he wants. I am living with the consequences of what i did and will for the rest of my life……im just desperately hoping for a happy ending story. A story that shows trust and respect can be rebuilt. What could she do to help you? What could she do to that would help your healing? Have you healed? Do you trust and show her respect now? Have you forgiven her, really forgiven her?

    • Shirley

      5/18/18
      It was a year in March when my D day happened. It was supposedly just some porno, well later I discovered through my investigating and forensic detective that it is much bigger than just some porno. I found dating sites, hookup sites, strip clubs, hookers, and so on. The only confession is going to dating sites just to look at pics (Yes right) he denies any conversations or affairs with anyone. He want to pretend all his secret life emails and clouds and so on don’t exist and continue to say it is not him that someone else is doing this to us. And even the game of him telling me not him and encourage me to search to see who it is accessing all devices and my emails and hookup sites under my emails and such as I look it would always lead back to him and it seemed he would enjoy the cat and mouse chase we played on internet when I thought it was a hacker/stalker to find it was him.
      I can forgive everything if the honesty could begin but it is not even starting . He is going to celebrate recovery working better at work and starting to do date night and so on. So he is doing most but the most important honesty. Even his 4th step he is incapable of being honest with me or himself.
      But I firmly believe that God’s love teaches us that we can relearn to respect our husband but I must respect my self for me to teach him how to respect me. Then we can regrow our respect together. But he needs to want to rebuild the trust and respect instead of pretending the problem don’t exist. I want to save my 27 year marriage but I know there is no hope without tough love.

    • Bodine

      My D day was a year ago this month. My wife had had an affair 12 years ago, I thought it was a 6 month slip up brought on by her Mother’s terminal diagnosis. We went to counseling back then, but she denied ever cheating.
      A year ago after trying to forgive her anyway, I had had enough. I told her that if she was not in our relationship 100%, that I was done. She reacted with disbelief saying that she was in a good place, the happiest she’d been in years and she was shocked that I was unhappy. I explained that I was miserable and told her that I knew about the affair even though she had never admitted to it. She still denied a couple times, but then finally admitted to sleeping with the guy I suspected back in the day. The next morning she revealed that it was not that guy, it was another one we’d known early in our marriage. She also said that they were planning to get married and that when we went to counseling in 2007, she was doing it just to make it look like she’d tried, so that she could end the marriage with the impression that she had tried to save it. She never admitted it to our counselor and then used my efforts and desire to repair our marriage to actually see him even more. The plan was to leave her marriage, lay low and then act like they hd reconnected after all these years. The guy had never marred and live alone in another state.
      She started treated me much better after I accused her in 2007, and played the part arranging our 25th anniversary in 2009 etc all while screwing this guy in hotel rooms around town. He lived 6 hours away and they’d meet up during the day for hours and she’d return home to cook dinner. Looking back I realized how many times she’d made excuses to not go with me to see my family, she was with this guy, This went on for nearly 3 years until I discovered she had secret phone. When that was discovered, she denied it was hers and destroyed it – now saying that’s when she broke up with the guy because she said she was wanting out and that was the nudge she needed…
      But then she let the lie persist for 9 years following choosing distance between us over honesty. Reading the forum, I realize that I lost respect for her 12 years ago and I doubt I will ever respect her again. She lies with ease, she is self centered and extremely weak emotionally. I always knew that she was weak, but I thought she was trust worthy. Since D day I have learned that she was very promiscuous before we met, but made up a false history so that I would like her. Even faked being naive about sex, so that she would appear to be more innocent. She had issues with her Father and a low self esteem, so she slept with guys because it made her feel wanted. I’ve been married to this woman for 34 nearly 35 years now.
      The affair began at 23 years of marriage and I’ve been working on forgiveness for a full 12 years now, but I don’t’ know what forgiveness looks like. I certainly can never forget it, I can’t be happy about it when I recall or relive deceptions and lies. We have two awesome grown kids and two grandchildren and they have no idea about the affair. She has been working hard to help me heal and she seems glad to have it out in the open finally,( as do I). I think forgiveness is easier than staying together. I have no idea where respect will come from – I can’t even imagine it at this juncture. What comes first, respect or forgiveness? Can you have one without the other? What does forgiveness REALLY mean this side of heaven? What does respect mean? And trust? I would say that I don’t even care if she wants somebody else, I just want her to let me go first… I honestly would not me jealous about it. I am angry because rather than leaving me 12 years ago, she used me and did not allow me the benefit of a new life when I was in my mid 40’s. She wanted to use me for money and shelter, him for sex and excitement I guess. But in doing that she stole years of my life that I could have used to rebuild.
      I can love her, but I can’t respect her. I pity her to be honest. We built quite a life together we are very blessed in every other way… so I am staying, but I will never feel about her the way I did before the affair. I honestly feel that marrying her was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
      What kind of human being does this? I respect that she is a human being and the mother of our children. I respect that she is a good mother. As a husband however, I cannot respect her as a wife. I wish I would have chosen more wisely but there is no getting those years back. I’m 59 years old now and the odds of being happily remarried are extremely slim if you read the stats. Contentment and happiness in other areas of my life, is better than the trauma of divorce, splitting time with our kids and grand kids and having a 2nd failed marriage. I just do not see a great choice here, but I think the better one preserves our family and our legacy flimsy as it is.

      • SK

        Your story sounds almost exactly like mine. I was 40 and she was 35. The affair went on for 8 years. I found out about it when I was 62. Kind of feel trapped as I’m 65 and not much potential to start over. If she’d just told me when I was 40… major difference instead of using me for all of those years. She has apologized, is doing everything to make the marriage wonderful and I wish I’d had this marriage all along, except that I don’t respect her and intimacy is still hard for me. Not how I’d hoped my final years would go. I’m going back to a therapist to see if I can shake this but after 3 1/2 years I don’t know. I don’t know how she lives with herself but I treat her with respect though deep down there really is none. Like you, I chose the wrong person to marry. Now, I put myself as number one whereas before she was always number one. It’s a damned shame.

        • Bridget

          Wow,I’m blown away to hear your stories as I thought I was one of few who would find out about the affair 27 years after the fact. My husband lied to me, deceived me, and gaslighted me about his 2 year long affair. I knew something was going on but could never find proof of it and for 27 years told me that I just wanted him to make up a story that wasn’t true! I’ve never been so hurt in my life. It’s been almost 6 mos since I found out. And I am 63 now with no job experience because I stayed home and cared for our terminally ill son. I too, feel like he robbed me of 27 years. I could have started a new life if he would have confessed then. Don’t know how I will ever gain back respect for him after all the lies and deceit. I’m very broken hearted. He is trying the best he can to make it up to me but I don’t think it’s possible. I will never understand how people can do such evil th I vs to someone “they LOVE”!

          • SK

            Very sorry for you. Same boat here and felt robbed of 25 years of my life. I’m still with her but not close anymore. More like friends if anything. Hate to finish my life on this note(im 67,,found out at 62) but i will say this….it changed me, hardened me and im emotionally stronger and no longer codependent. In fact, i travel around the world alone every year, for months, and am doing whatever i want to do without “permission”. Its quite liberating. Oh, in the end…all of my money goes to the kids. Thats my payback for 25 years of deception. Yes, still angry and Dday was five years ago. So it goes.

            • Bridget

              I’m so sorry to hear that the anger is still there and that you haven’t recovered. I would like to be able to recover and have a better marriage like I hear others say. But I’m not very optimistic about that. The hurt is so very deep. We’re working on it and my husband is doing the right things but I am very bitter and angry like I have never been before. Good for you that you are able to do fun things on your own. I’m totally dependent on him financially right now as I spent the past 30 years caring for a son with terminal illness.
              By the way… you’re not too old to start over! But i understand not wanting a split up family. Its hard … even on adult kids!

    • Shifting Impressions

      Bovine
      I really feel for what you are going through. Respect is a really hard one, that’s for sure. There is so much deception involved it’s often shocking. I don’t know what comes first…forgiveness, trust or respect.

      It has been five years for me since d-day and I know that I have not totally forgiven, I do not totally trust and he does not have my full respect back. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love him. I am much closer than I was and life together is really quite good now.

      It helps that my husband is a wonderful man….great father, wonderful grandfather, good brother and on and on. We also built and amazing life together…….all of that makes it so hard to understand how he had two EA’s about twenty years apart
      I had just turned 60 when I discovered the EA and 61 when I found out about the EA twenty years prior, so I understand where you are coming from.
      It helps if the CS is accountable and shows true remorse. It also helps if they are willing to be honest about what happened (something that doesn’t seem to happen all that often in my option) and if they acknowledge the pain they caused and are actually willing to listen to the BS express that pain.

      But we are still left fighting an battle of epic proportions inside of ourselves no matter what. For me the thought of splitting up our family is completly heartbreaking…..BUT I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND SO DO YOU. I DESERVE SOMEONE THAT WANTS TO BE WITH ME FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN THAT THEY LOVE ME. I told my husband nothing less would do.

      There is much to respect about my husband BUT I WILL NEVER RESPECT WHAT HE DID!!! That is something I have to accept. So I decided to stay…..because I love him and there is so much more good than bad. Forgiveness is a process and slowly slowly I am getting there. The trust is slowly being earned. The respect might be the hardest…I’m not sure.

    • SK

      You will get better. I thought the emotional rollercoaster would never end but it has. I still think about it daily but im able to catch the thoughts before they become emotionally entangled. My wife’s affair was for 8 years so she left me for those years and 10 or more years after as she remained distant, particularly sexually. She claimed it was mrenopause. How does one ever get over that? I wont. It did. Our “marriage” is completely different for me, now, and she is now the wife i always wanted but I cannot get close to her. I’ve built an emotional wall. On the other hand i am no longer emotionally codependent and can do whatever i want without guilt. Not that ive explored that in a sexuual or emotional way but it is an option. Some day they recover and i believe you can if you catch them in the act and not 20 years later. However your situation is different. Had it only been 2 years i could fogive that but not 8. That wasnt an affair that was a full fledged relationship good luck.

      • Bridget

        SK
        I have a question for you. It’s been just about 6 months since D-day. My hurt has been so deep and so much anger that I can hardly stand to be around him. We can hardly have a conversation without it blowing up. I cant seem to get past this. Nothing is normal about our relationship. We can’t have fun together…not even near it. My husband is trying everything but my anger is so deep. Was it that way for you? Was it a while before you were comfortable around your wife? I just don’t know if what I’m experiencing is normal at this point. I just thought it would be better after 6 months.

        • Dierdre

          Bridget recovering from an affair can take a long time. We are 2.5 years down the line and I am only now feeling more like me. The old me. The no screaming, almost sleeping normally, happy me from Before.
          How your husband handles himself is a deal breaker. Mine was a star.
          I lost it for about 2 years. Just cried, was hysterical half the time. Questioned him, I still do but not as much. He still answers every time. We have had amazing sex, no sex, sex full of triggers, sex that has become lovemaking. It is going to be a crazy rollercoaster for both of you.
          You need to let the emotions out. If he wants to stick around, he needs to suck it up. Big time!!
          And slowly, really slowly, the triggers lesson. If you are lucky, you and your hubby can experience a different kind of marriage. A new marriage. Learn to respect each other in a new way.
          My hubby was on a pedestal of note.
          Now he is my hubby, my friend – not my saviour. We are equals – and I’m actually enjoying it.

    • Steve

      My head was still spinning after 6 months. I was on an emotional rollercoaster for at least a year. What helped me was the conclusion that it wasnt my fault. Her decision had nothing to do with me. She tried that, but no…it was solely her decision to make…i wasnt informed anything about it. Thats when i quit being codependent. Also took her off the pedestal. Some people say to think about it and work it out. Ive thought about it 1000000000 times. Doesnt do any good. Now, when a thought occurs…i dismiss it. I still have triggers and theres no avoiding them. I look at it this way…she was stupid, she knows it was stupid. She was seduced for whatever reason. She regrets it. I dont forgive her because she had plenty of time to come to her senses and didnt. Remember…it was not your fault. I jave come to the conclusion she destroyed my pride and ego. When i realized that it helped. I feel freer of her decision, now. We are not tied at the hip anymore but two individuals. Hope this helps. It really sucks.

    • Shaun

      The cheater that leaves, even if only briefly for the AP is the lowest of the low. You know what they deserve from you? Not a god damn thing. They’re garbage. Throw them away like they threw you away. Fuck em.

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