Good Wednesday!

Linda and I were talking last night about possible questions for today’s discussion and we both felt that it was time again to hear some success stories. We did this a couple of months ago and it turned out to be a good thing, as several success stories were shared.

Sometimes we hear too much about the pain and devastation after an affair, and not as much as we should about the successes – no matter how small. But it is these seemingly small successes that tend to build on each other and can eventually turn into even bigger, longer term successes.

Additionally, when others who are going through this hear the success stories that others are experiencing, it gives them some hope and motivation for the future.

So, with that said…

Tell us some of your successes while recovering from the affair and how you were able to accomplish them.

For example…

Have you been taking care of yourself and getting stronger? How are you doing it?

Do you see positive changes in your spouse and his/her actions? Describe them.

Are you communicating better? How?

Do you seem to be reconnecting with your spouse?

Have the triggers and obsessive thoughts diminished? Why?

You get the idea. No success is too small. Please share so that others can learn!

As always, please respond to each other in the comments.

Thanks!

Doug & Linda

See also  Open 'Mic' Discussion #27

    13 replies to "Discussion: Let’s Hear Some Successes"

    • michael

      Halfway through the day and no comments?
      My hope is that the success stories have moved on and don’t need this site anymore.
      Because the ones who have left and never looked back can only say this site has helped or it didn’t.
      When I’m successful leaving this site behind the only answer for me will be, no matter the outcome, you have helped me.

    • roller coaster rider

      For me it seems a success that I didn’t even look at what was posted until now, a full 8 hours into my day. I am also very glad that yesterday when I was feeling quite depressed, I chose to pull out some journals that I’ve been keeping for about the last 30 years to remind myself of other things I’ve walked through that haven’t been easy and that did resolve well. Although I sometimes continue to wonder how I ‘blew it’ a year ago, and how something I could have said or done differently might have resulted in different choices by my H, I also have had the sense to remind myself that it really wasn’t the result of what I did or didn’t do. We had a really good weekend, took a little trip, had a great meal, slept in a fancy hotel, talked and cuddled and while I’m still looking at the phone, I’m not obsessing. I have also spent some time thinking about what I would do if I found out the affair wasn’t really over. Compared to where we were three months ago, this seems like some success.

    • just me

      My success is not the big one, nor do I consider it complete yet, but I have to acknowledge that my husband is turning toward me. He is still working on breaking off his EA, but I consider it a success that he talks to me more often about his feelings and struggles and he talked to me FIRST when he had a success at work. He is much more transparent about his actions. I am more calm and confident and have come past the panicked hell of the period after D-day. I laugh more easily and enjoy life more. These are success to me.

    • elph

      I know I may get crap forth this and some of it is fog babble. But…

      Father day weekend my wife, who’ll be moving out to “find herself” and really, continue the affair, said to me for four days straight, some variation of this question

      “if I’m making the biggest mistake of my life, do you think…”
      Date again
      Hope for us
      We could raise our son as a whole family

      Etc

      D-day inearly April there was no way on earth we’d stay together or fix this.

      I know alot of it is her looking for her reliable husband and safe harbor.
      But it shows theres a chance, if she’s willing to work at it and do the required things

      Of note. Ive been on plan a for a month or so and it’s having an effect.

    • Paula

      Good day, found a new shrink, he sounds like he might be able to help me. I’m cautiously optimistic, been here before, but this is the first guy who sounds like he truly gets it, and can come up with a “plan” to try to help me get better, rather than just feeling my way along, yay! I have had lots of previous success, I’m so lucky that my boy came out of the fog so quickly, and made the decision to be with me, and cut the OW out of our lives. Work in progress, as per usual……

      but back on the path today 🙂

    • roller coaster rider

      Paula, that is good news. I really wish you all the best.

    • Candace

      Success 1: My H has been out of town for 2 days & I just today thought to check the cell phone records.
      Success 2: I can think about his EA without crying.

    • Kris (aka Kristine)

      1. we have a deeper intimacy than before that got lost over the years of kids, work, stress, etc
      2. my husband now TALKS (not 100% the way I do) but is starting to share with me things that he normally wouldn’t before about his deep feelings.
      3. i don’t bawl when i think about the adultery in general.
      4. the triggers aren’t as bad. I still have one huge trigger but the rest are dull aches
      5. i have a closer relationship with God that I didn’t have before. It was God that sustained me when my husband moved out and God that restored our marriage.
      6. i love my husband deeper now than before (how’d that happen?)
      7. my husband loves me more now than before (as he should lol)
      8. we have a renewed commitment despite all the devastation (which is shocking)
      9. i don’t feel waves of nausea when i drive past the street my husband’s apartment was on (in fact i feel nothing now)
      10. we have a testimony for others for God’s glory!

      • StandingStill

        Wow Kris – your post was truly inspiring and encouraging. I pray that you will continue on this path and that God will continue to bless the efforts of you and your husband while on this journey.

    • StandingStill

      D-day for me was early June of this year. I was calm at first, telling my husband that if he was not happy, he should move on and that if I truly loved him I would want him to be happy (trying to be brave and all) . Then I moved into crazy mode, panic attacks, crying, begging, pleading….and it seemed to drive him further away. We are both to blame for hurting eachother over the years, Instead of addressing our real problems, we looked to others to take away whatever pain we were experiencing at the time. He still communicates with the OW via skype, facebook, email, etc. and it still eats away at me. It’s not as bad as it was (thankfully), but I still get attacks every now and then. There’s so much else to tell, but I’m on my way to see my counsellor now. This is one success. Another is that I’ve lost about 10 pounds since D-day and decided to take advantange by exercising and getting in shape. I pray that I can keep up…

    • RecoveringMommy

      I have to agree with Kris. God sustained me throughout this entire ordeal. I’ve been a Christian since high school but have never really pursued a relationship with God like I should. As a side note, I highly suggestion listening to Klove, a Chrisitan radio station. They have the most incredible timing at playing a song or telling a story at the right time.

      My D-day was April 29, 2010…the 9th anniversary of my grandfather’s death, less than 2 months after the birth of our second child, and 2 days before our 6th anniversary. Great timing huh? It was a Thursday. The weekend before D-day I had spent at my parents house with my kids. My H was 2 hours away at home but was to drive up the next day. He had plans to go out with some of his guy friends the night before meeting us. Something just didn’t sit right with me about it (turns out he also met up with the OW before hanging with the guys). The next night we went out on a date for the first time since our son was born. It was also the first time we’ve been intimate since he was born. We came home the next day and really had a heart to heart talk about the state of our marriage, which wasn’t really that good. As Linda has mentioned in another post, I feel this was more the catalyst of healing our marriage than the discovery of his EA. That next day, Monday, I got down on my knees and asked God to change my life. And unlike before, I really meant it this time. And boy did He! His ways are so much greater than ours, and looking back now, I know that there was no way for us to heal our marriage without this horrible secret coming to light.

      When I confronted my H about his EA, he admitted it (it was over the phone). Before he got home from work, I had packed up my children and our things and had left for my parents. I returned home alone the next night to talk with my H. He confessed the rest of the story to me, details he had not given me over the phone the previous day. Once everything was out in the open, he let me rant and rave, break things, and scream at him. After I’d gotten all the anger out, we sat down and talked for hours. We talked about problems we had that we needed to work on, we even talked about things from our past that we had never shared with each other. After that night, he ended all contact with the OW, changed his phone number and email address, closed his Facebook account, and gave me access to everything of his.

      Thinking back now, there were things I would randomly think about that were warning signs of the EA but I didn’t recognize them as such at the time. Details I couldn’t have handled all at the time of disclosure. The saying that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle is so true. Because if He’d have allowed me to remember all of these “clues” at one time I would have just mentally and emotionally shut down. And I could not afford to do that as I have 2 small children depending on me.

      All of that to say that now, over a year from D-day, our marriage is better than I could have ever imagined it to be! We are open and honest about everything. We have learned how to disagree instead of fight. Every aspect of our marriage is just amazing. I can now think about the EA and talk about it while keeping my composure. The triggers are not severe anymore. I still have days that I mourn the loss of what used to be, but what we have now is better. The only thing I’m still working to overcome are the rare occasions when I know I will see or be around the OW. Seeing her still shakes me to the core. But I have faith that in time, this too shall pass.

    • Star

      WOW… I have become a stronger woman due to affairs. I have learned who I am in Christ… I learned how to love unconditionally. I learned how to forgive. The affair resulted with a child and I learned through series of crying nights and prayer… that love is not perfect. My heart and mind is not a glass house, so I was in no position to cast stones. Did all this discovery happen over night… HELL NO, but when the spirit came to me to let it go and let GOD, I did.
      Now every so often the enemy creeps thoughts and images into my mind and I immediately rebuke them. I still get sad and question “why me Lord”… the hurt is surreal, but as I sit and think… all the pain made me a better wife, made me understand a little more. Yes it is still hard for me to trust him and get suspicous still… Hoping that I dont have to feel the pain again, but I ask GOD to lead his heart so that he doesnt fall short of the temptations again. I also pray that I dont fall short of temptations either…
      The devil came to kill, steal and destroy and that goes for marriages too. Our vows says for better and for worst… it didnt give a description of the better or worst, the good or bad times and think… GOD dont divorce us when we fall short, why is it an option for us to do this.
      My suggestion for you is to lean on GODs understanding and not your own… yes your flesh will question but your spirit will sing praises.
      I love my husband, our kids and my step-daughter and thank GOD for our little family.
      GOD has his hands in all of it… REMEMBER THAT ALWAYS!

      • RecoveringMommy

        Well said Star. I could have written most of that myself.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.