Discussion: How Do You Get the Cheating Spouse Out of the Affair Fog?

affair fogWe’ve heard many stories lately of cheating spouses who are saying things and acting in ways that are totally different from the way they normally talk and act.

What has happened to the person you once knew?

Obviously, they are still living an illusion and are stuck in the “affair fog.”

Without question, this can be very frustrating and painful to experience.

It’s hard to argue that breaking away from the affair and saving your marriage cannot be accomplished while the cheating spouse is still in this fog.

Today we would like to hear from you about what you think has to happen to get the cheating spouse out of the fog and to look at things more rationally and realistically.

If possible, we’d also like to hear from those of you whose spouse has emerged from the fog, and how that was accomplished.

Thank you very much for your contributions!

Have a great day!

Linda & Doug

 

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Inside the Mind of the Unfaithful
Understanding Why Cheaters Do What They Do

Doug and Tim share their experiences as ex-wayward spouses and answer the top 11 burning questions betrayed spouses typically have for the cheater.

 

 

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53 Responses to Discussion: How Do You Get the Cheating Spouse Out of the Affair Fog?

  1. Liz Lemler February 16, 2011 at 9:51 am #

    Fortunately, my guy came out of the fog relatively quickly. Initially, he was so so cold and almost cruel towards me. It was like he was completely detached and dead inside. But there were a number of things that happened almost immediately that really opened his eyes to the reality of the situation and led him to take responsibility and express how confused he had been, and how remorseful he was now.

    1. Almost right away, I made him read all of the cards he ever gave to me, and me to him (he saved them all– I remember thinking “How could someone who has saved EVERY SINGLE CARD/NOTE I ever gave him say “I’m not in love with you anymore”?). He had forgotten our entire history together, and reading all those words we wrote to each other resulted in him sobbing hysterically and somewhat started to snap him out of this false belief that there wasn’t any love left.

    2. But shortly after I caught him texting her again, telling her he still had feelings for her but just needed time (He says things were so uncertain, he wanted to keep her on the back burner). I went into a rage and told him he had to move out immediately. Later he had said between seeing the rage in my eyes, and his first night away made made him realize the extent of his mistake. He had finally experienced the full reality of the situation.

    3. That same night we had one of those conversations where we were both brutally honest with each other because at that point, there was nothing left to lose. I’m sure it also helped that I told him responses like “I don’t know” and “nothing” were no longer acceptable. He shared a lot of things he had kept hidden about his wants, desires, etc. that he had been ashamed of for so long. When I said I shared many of those same feelings, he said a light bulb immediately went off for him and he knew in that moment I was everything he ever really wanted.

    Tough love has been discussed here before, and I really think it is incredibly important. I think kicking him out of our home was one of the best things I could have done. I certainly wasn’t wanting to give up on us, but there was no way I would tolerate him continuing to lie to me. I was so scared it would give him the opportunity to see her and be with her, and that spending time away from me would make him see how much he didn’t love me, but that’s not what happened. He realized how much I did for him, how selfish he was, and how much he needed me. I am so lucky he came out of this so quickly.

  2. ingoodtimesandbad February 16, 2011 at 12:08 pm #

    I’m sure how fast they come out of the fog is different for everyone. We all want it to be immediate. We talk to them like they are rational but they are not. We can see the bridge out at the end of the road but they can’t.
    I tried reading old cards that he sent to me and the words that meant so much to me. He told me I should just throw them away.

    I tried begging and pleading. He wanted his cake and eat it to. He was fine with living at home having her and me both. He told me things about her. He wanted me to feel sorry for her!! I did that for a few months but it was killing me on the inside.

    I asked him choose me or her. I didn’t want to allow the affair to continue while still living with me. This was not just an EA but SA also. He did move out for a month. He barely talked to the kids. He had been detaching himself from the family the whole year before D-day and had let his past OW believe we had been divorced and that I didn’t let him see the kids. He made up so many lies that he was believing them himself. He had no intensions of ending the affair. That would mean he would have to tell the OW the truth. He was still married.

    I choose to go to her. Give her the other side of the story. He told me that she went to church so I was hoping that maybe she would listen to reason. She didn’t. She liked having him around as a play toy that paid things for her. She was working 3 jobs to make ends meet. She had no one but herself to take care of and she was in that much debt!! He felt sorry for her. Since she wouldn’t listen to reason, I went to her minister and talked with her sister that she was staying with. I didn’t do it to get even with her. It was to expose the lies that he was telling her and what she was telling herself. They work together. I could have called their boss and got them both fired. They were texting many hours during work hours. I wrote a long letter to her and gave it to her minister to give to her. I was pretty sure she wouldn’t have read it if I just gave it to her. My husband convinced her I was crazy and he was trying to get out of a bad marriage. The minister helped her come to her senses. He told me that she was ending it and that they set up a support system for her. She still works with him today. This all happened when H was out of the house. I can only hope and pray that she is still staying away from him.

    He moved back in to help with the kids out of guilt. Plus I’m sure he was missing the comforts of home. I’m not sure I should have let him but like others have said, we can’t beat ourselves up about our mistakes. It has worked to get him back involved with the kids. So in a way, he is slowly coming out of the fog.

    He still slept in our bed when he came back. He at first was so angry at me he didn’t want me to touch him. Now he is initiating sex but still doesn’t want to admit he is not just here for the kids.

    I have now started to back off. I wanted to have answers to when he planned on moving out. He couldn’t give me one. I think he knows he should be here but doesn’t want to admit he was wrong. I’m not calling him during his break times. I don’t initiate sex with him. I’m trying not to worry about what the future is going to be and just take care of myself and the kids. I can see changes in his behavior already with me backing off. Again, wish I would have done this sooner. But I read something today about how God has a plan for each of us. Some of us, he takes us the long way to get where we need to go for a reason. We have things we need to find out about ourselves. So, I’m trying to let go and give it to Him. Have faith in which I can’t see. Maybe God needs more time with my H. I have to be patient but not a doormat.

    I’m not going to allow my H to treat me like he has in the past. I’m not going to hold him here any longer if that’s not what he wants. It’s his choice. So far, his has been on good behavior with me.

    Just yesterday, I was given another suggestion on a book to read. It had to do with work but I could see how it could apply to my home life. (God at work! Giving us what we need when we need it, I guess.)It’s called, Crucial Confrontations. How to deal with someone who has broken a promise. What greater promise is the vows we took. I can still love my husband but I don’t have to put up with the bad behavior. I’ve let him get away with it for too long. I’m not anymore.

    I can’t thank Linda and Doug enough for their support and everyone else on here. I found this site just when I needed it the most. It helps give me the strength I need to get through those bad days and to see there is a light to the end of this road we are all on.

    Sorry for the long note!
    May God Bless us All!

  3. ChangedForever February 16, 2011 at 12:44 pm #

    My H never ‘outright admitted to anything when initially confronted’ – even when backed into a corner. It’s like one of the ‘E-therapists’ that I hold in high regard says, ‘Secrets suck the life out of you.’
    You HAVE to get your CS to the ‘point’ where they stop lying before you can make any progress – otherwise, forget trying for the moment – wastes SO much energy on your part. Marriage counseling is working for us – BUT START IT AS SOON AS YOU CAN – we could NEVER have gotten thru the beginning of this, thru the withdrawl too, without professional help – just my opinion. My H’s withdrawl took a little more than 4 weeks and we were in weekly counseling just days after the discovery! Even in the 4th week , he asked me ‘why he still couldn’t be friends with her…’ (He really thought this ‘OP’ was a friend to him – but was truly someone who had almost destroyed him, reducing him to a ‘lying sack of s–t.’ ) I then realized he truly was in an addictive and sick state – it still is so pathetic & sad to think back on that time.
    My H ‘came back’ to me noticeably out of good physical shape –& he HAD BEEN in good shape PRIOR to, he was cruel, vulgar and with all the same morals as the person he had ‘thought’ he was in love with. It was obviously a ‘metamorphisis’ of the worst kind…..and, unfortunately, I didn’t even ‘see’ it happening as ‘we’ were dealing with a trauma of events involving our eldest son (still living in our home.’)
    So listen up those who think they can ‘handle & juggle it all:’ IT CAN’T BE DONE – even if you truly think you can do it all. And I should know. You can’t. I was the master juggler (so I thought.) If you think you are so individually invincible – think again…and get ready to have your foundation ripped out from under you. Don’t expect his/your friends to help you either – expect no one to let you or your CS ‘in’ on anything. It’s ‘every man for himself.’
    So what advice can I offer as the betrayed spouse who thought they could handle the balance of work/kids/trauma & a marriage that needed addressing even BEFORE the trauma…? RELY ON FAMILY & FRIENDS TO HELP YOU WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN. Reach out for help/swallow your pride and take people up on their offers to help. If I had personally reached out for more support or had been more aggressive with my H to help me deal with our son’s problem, maybe the affair wouldn’t happened or wouldn’t have festered as it did. Speaking of ‘festering…’ one last analogy>>>relationships that grow under the ‘cloak of secrecy & deceit’ are like mushrooms: some taste good & some can kill you but they grow best in manure – take a look at the ugliness of this vegetable sometime while in it’s full growth ‘still planted’ state (there is no beauty in it.)

  4. mark February 16, 2011 at 4:08 pm #

    I think my wife is finally out of the fog, but I doubt it is because of anything I said or did. I think it was the fact that my 17 year old son refused to accept her reasons and lies and excuses. I think my wife finally snapped into a moment of reality and clarity and saw what was happening to us all as a result of the betrayals. In my heart, I truly feel she has seen the light. That doesn’t mean we are out of the woods yet, but gives me hope that better days are actually a real possibility.

    She sent me this yesterday:
    “I love you. Thank you for forgiving me, and fighting to get me back. I know I was lost. I think I was grieving for things, I didnt know I was. I was searching. But it was always right here……
    I am here and not going anywhere. I was very lost. Trying to reach you. and couldnt. I forgot who I was what I stood for. But I learned my lesson. I wont take you for granted anymore”

    She hasn’t said anything remotely close to this to me in over 6 months. I’ve seen major changes in her behavior and with intimacy.

    I honestly feel that this is sincere.

    I believe the fact that I called the bastard and left voicemails to him in front of her helped. My son also demanded that he would not believe she was sincere unless she called the bastard in front of him and told him it was over. She did.

    I texted back and forth with the guy on Monday. I started out hostile but ended by saying that I don’t want to hate him.
    I have too much hatred in my heart and if I continue to hold onto that negative emotion, it will hold my heart back from my wife. I can’t tell you how huge that was for me. I am not a forgiver. I’ve held on to everything my whole life.

    Please don’t think I’ve drunk the Kool-Aid. My eyes are still wide open and watchful. However, I’ve gained a remarkable ability to spot and feel the deception. I did not back down last Saturday. I knew in my heart was happening and I did not give up until the truth came out.

    The last two days I have seen the woman I married. The woman I know and love. I just pray that this nightmare doesn’t return.

    • Yuki February 16, 2011 at 5:20 pm #

      I was smiling from ear to ear as I read your post, and I still am!

      • mlb February 16, 2011 at 6:56 pm #

        Thank you so much, Yuki. You have been so supportive. I really appreciate it.

    • sdesruiss March 1, 2011 at 8:55 pm #

      Mark, Thanks for your post. It at least gives me hope that I amy one day hear these words from my wife. Working on it, but not sure it will come.

  5. Diana February 16, 2011 at 5:42 pm #

    I don’t know what is going on with my husband. About a month ago I gave him an ultimatum–her or me. I told him he wasn’t going to have his cake and eat it too, I am not going to share him with another woman, and if he wanted to have a relationship with her then he wasn’t going to have one with me. Ever since then, he has become more withdrawn and secretive. I don’t know what to do. Over the weekend I tried to talk to him about what was going on. Is he in this for the long haul? Is he committed to working on the relationship? Even if he wasn’t sure what he wanted, just tell me that so I would at least know where his head is at. He seems to think that just because he is still living in the same house, that should show that he is committed. “I’m still here aren’t I?” He refuses to say the words “I am committed to you and our marriage.” It just ended up in a terrible argument. He refuses to admit that he has done anything wrong. He insists that this is all my fault because I have made more of it than it really is. He refuses to go back to counseling because he does’t want them telling him he is wrong. So I know that he knows he is wrong, but he refuses to admit it. On some level I think he is trying to convince himself that he is innocent. I’m so tired of it all. I work full time and have a child to take care of. I don’t have any more emotional energy to deal with this. It has been going on for five months now. I guess I’m at the point of saying if something is still going on, he’ll mess up somewhere and I’ll find out eventually.

    So the ultimatum didn’t work for me, but I don’t have any real proof that there is still contact.

    I’m really trying to find my own joy somewhere outside of this. It has just about destroyed me.

    • mlb February 16, 2011 at 7:01 pm #

      Don’t give up, Diana. My wife would say exactly the same thing,
      “I’m still here”. WTH does that mean anyway? That means nothing. You don’t know how many times I used your exact words….”why can’t you say you are committed to me an our marriage and our family?”

      I said that over and over. She could never say it. I had almost given up hope, but somehow something broke through. I did not give up fighting when my own son told me he would have.
      Please try to hold on. I know the agony you are feeling. It is terrible. Just remember that you can come here and talk to good people who are struggling with the same issues. You are not alone.

    • Kim February 25, 2011 at 9:44 pm #

      Diana…. I am going through the same thing with my husband of almost 20 years, and he is using the same line “I’m still here aren’t I?”!! That makes me want to scream!!! We are going to counseling together and he has seen one by himself… but they are all wrong…. professionals know nothing. He has told me several times I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but 2800 texts a month (and he hates texting), emails, chats, lying ect….. yet I’m crazy! Go figure. This is exhausting to me…. I keep thinking I am going to wake up from this nightmare.

      • Isla April 21, 2011 at 9:11 am #

        Sounds like some people don’t have very good therapists. Try an Imago therapist. And read the book “Getting the Love you Want” by Harville Hendrix.

    • Kim February 25, 2011 at 10:19 pm #

      Diana… the more I read your post, the more I see how similar our situations are and I totally understand what your gong through. I can’t believe that this is my life right now, this is NOT the man I married. Let me say, that I love my husband, I do not want this marriage to end. We have always defined ‘love’ as an action and he says he ‘loves’ me, even though his actions over the last 8 months have been screaming otherwise. He says it’s over, but after 20 years of complete trust…. I don’t trust him. Our situation has an added hurt… SHE is my cousin’s now ex-wife. While she and my cousin were going through their problems, WE were consoling her, WE were there for her. It turned out HE was there for her more than I was. I found out in late Oct. that for about 3 months they were texting each other 30 to 40 times a day and he hates texting! He refused to text me or our boys, but when SHE asked him to text her he learned real quick. It wasn’t just texting, but emails, fb messages and chats. Before I realized what was going on he would go to her house and comfort her when she would have a bad day….. I would allow it… because, well, she is family. One I figured it out, I told him it had to stop. It stopped and started a million times and then I found out about the 2800 texts a month and hit the roof. I even sent her an email telling her to stop, he was my husband not hers and leave him alone. She apologized, felt horrible and assured me that it wouldn’t happen any more. I believed them. She has this control over him that is pathetic. My husband is a smart, christian man, but at times I think … who the hell are you? When he says “I’m still here aren’t I”, my new response is “why.. why are you here? You may be physically here but mentally you are on leave”. He never answers my questions…. avoiding is what he does. What makes it worse is we have 2 teenage boys and he is a GREAT Dad. Although, he can act as if NOTHING is wrong, like everything is all dandy… I cannot. I cannot hide my emotions very well when he is around, it’s too hurtful. This week has been especially tough. On Monday after his therapy appt he came home with this renewed spirit. We were going to start over and rebuild our relationship…. and she was not going to be a part of it. Well, by Tuesday night something happened and he changed his mind. Admitted, before even trying, that he would fail at NOT talking to her, so why try. Still wanted to stay married, but cannot commit to not talking to her. WTH is that? Rebuilding will be too hard if he knows he is going to fail. I am at my wits end. There are days that I feel like I am going to have a nervous break down. Thank God we have counseling on Monday. I don’t want to give up.

      • sdesruiss March 1, 2011 at 9:05 pm #

        Kim, My wife does the same thing as well. Avoids me and talking about our relationship and also can’t seem to stop texting a guy that lives a thousand miles away. She says she can’t commit to working on us because she thinks she will fail, so why try. I take that to mean that she doesn’t know how to make a long term relationship, almost 20 years, work. She has forgotten many thing of our past and history and can’t see the future through “the fog”

  6. reneenjersey February 16, 2011 at 8:45 pm #

    It was simple. My husband plainly told me he was not going to give up on us and he told me exactly what was going on. I guess you could say he read me like a book.

    He explained it to me in plain, clear and simple terms. He told me that I was in a romance fog and at one point in his and my relationship I had been there. I did some soul searching and it didn’t take long to realize that he was right.

    I am so blessed to have a husband that stood by his vows for better or for worse.

    • Beluki March 1, 2011 at 8:04 pm #

      I’m glad that you took the step towards working on your marriage. Many of is on this blog apparently haven’t had spouses/partners as fortunate as your husband. I hope you continue to move towards healing your relationship.

  7. jenn February 17, 2011 at 9:21 pm #

    I told the OW’s husband. I sent him an email (via Facebook) after months of being lied to–by both my husband and the mistress–I’d had enough. The message included my phone number, and I asked him to call me because I had some information he needed regarding my husband and his wife, and that I was sorry. *I had proof to give him also. I had emails between them, text and cell phone records, and I had made my husband write everything down the first time I discovered the affair, and I sent this to the OW’s husband.
    This worked. Once the OW’s husband knew, there was another set of eyes trying to ‘keep them apart’. The threat of destroying 2 families made my husband ‘come to’ and now we’re dealing with the aftermath, which is a definite rollercoaster. But I believe they are no longer talking, although I don’t trust him 100%.

  8. jenn February 17, 2011 at 9:24 pm #

    One more thing–I made him leave our home. I was not going to allow him to pretend to be a ‘family’ when he was not acting like the husband and father he wanted the world to see. Living with Mom at 38 did a number on him. He said that was one of the best things that happened to help break free of his fog. REAL consequences worked for us.

  9. addled and confused February 20, 2011 at 12:37 am #

    I don’t know what to do. It’s been going on a year since d-day and it’s been a rollercoaster just like everyone else but I’ve been successfully backing off and things seemed to really get better….then I found out today that despite ” not being in contact with the OW since Sept.” He’s been contacting her through e-mail on a networking site. This happened before and I said no more it couldn’t happen again and now it has. Do I kick him out? Do I pretend I believe his BS about it being a “work” related matter. I haven’t pressed him or questioned but I’m positive he’s been seeing her again in person for the last 3 weeks…how far do I take backing off? This is killing me but I wonder if I need to stay the course and let it burn itself out. Any suggestions cause I need something!

  10. debbie February 20, 2011 at 12:18 pm #

    My H has expressed some remorse for how he has treated me, but sees himself as a victim of love. I believe he will not come out of the fog until he is willing to face all the damage he has done to our family, as well as face how he allowed himself to be manipulated by OW. Or maybe once he is out of the fog, he will have to face these things. I am not sure which will come first or how it will come about.
    He believes the “affair love” was fated, and unavoidable. He does not see ow as a ubsequious gold digger but rather his soulmate best friend in need of saving. They are “good people in a bad situation.” All evidence says otherwise.
    For example,
    OW rents a weekly motel room “so she has a place to hide from her H”.
    Calls our house and hangs up repeatedly.
    Leaves a hickey on H’s neck. (eeewww)
    Leaves scratches all over his back.
    Leaves her H the day after I toss H out and moves into motel with my H.
    This all over a 3 week period was “coincidence”. (All while his father was dying of cancer)
    When he wants to return to his family, she “lets him go”, but calls constantly to express her sadness, depression and inability to get out of bed.
    Who would do this stuff to their best friend??? A manipulative loon not a soulmate.
    All I can “do” is to truly let him go and hopefully he will discover her true colors for himself. Any other suggestions appreciated!

  11. addled and confused February 20, 2011 at 3:23 pm #

    I think I need to qualify a few things on my last post…while I have the feeling he’s been seeing her in person I have no proof and his actions are very confusing. Last night we talked and he apologised for the contact, said he was an idiot and when I asked him why he did it he said he needed to test out if he was really over it or if a csual contact would drive him nuts again. Eesh, I don’t know what to think of that ONE! His behavior has been happy, loving and attentive. We have an amazing sex life,he’s constantly leaving me little gifts or love notes and we have a wonderful time together. What is going on here? Do I belive him or assume he’s lying again? That he’s been seeing her again? He says he loves me,wants to spend the rest of his life with only me and he’s over it. And yet something in my gut in light of the recent contact is yelling at me that it’s BS. Thoughts?

  12. Jessica February 20, 2011 at 10:09 pm #

    Once I found out he ended it. It took at least three weeks of no communication from her for him to come out of the fog. Its been seven months since D day. She has emailed him three times, stopped by his work and left him an emotional phone message, he didn’t respond and told me. I still have such pain and no matter how hard he tries I can’t believe he did this to me. I don’t know if he’s told me the truth about everything he knows how much pain I am in and doesn’t want to cause me anymore. I don’t think he has any feelings for her anymore because he is fully engaged in our marriage and a much better dad and husband then he was before.

  13. dawn February 24, 2011 at 1:29 pm #

    Well My husband is still in the fog. I have tried everything from pleading, crying, ultimatums, and anyting else you can imagine. He ask for a divorce a year ago at this time problem was we had foreclosed on our home 6 months before that and moved in with his parents and my own. So when he ask for the divorce I was floored and we tried to make it work, but then he met up again with the OW on facebook. Gradually they began comparing notes since she just got divorced. He began seeing her in april 2010 and seeing me and the kids less and less. So we finally got a place together in june 2010 and shortly after found out about the affair. He denied it but phone records don’t lie. I pleaded with her to leave us alone but she had no intention of ever stopping. My husband moved out in October 2010 and has since filed for divorce. I just recently found out he intends on moving her into our home as soon as I move out in a few months. At this point, there is nothing that has or will get my husband out of the fog. I don’t want to lose my family but guess i have no choice but let go.

    • Beluki March 1, 2011 at 8:54 pm #

      I’m thinking of you….

  14. Beluki March 1, 2011 at 7:59 pm #

    I tried everything as well and it isn’t working. More affection, backing off to give him space, fighting, and then it eventually escalated to ultimatems, begging, crying and pleading, and then finally I asked him to move out. I had thought it would snap him into reality and give me some space to gather myself…it actually made it worse. The lying escalated, she started staying over (as “friends” he says)…it has been a nightmare. My self esteem has been shot and I’m in this relationshop ambivelence now. One foot out…because I have been doing better without him here – and one foot in because I hate feeling like a failure. I picked up “Too Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay” and that has helped me see a bit of the light. I would recommend it.
    Thursday he came over and was telling me he loved me, wanted to be with me, blah, blah blah. I told him I needed some time to think about it because I know he was still in contact with her and for us to heal he had to have no contact with her. He lied right to my face about her that night, and then I asked him again “me or her” after calling him out. Saturday I was on my way home from a fund raiser at 11 pm and guess who’s car was in his driveway? I called and left him a voicemail telling him….He made his choice.
    Haven’t heard from him since. *sigh*

  15. TLC August 13, 2011 at 1:20 am #

    My husband had an emotional affair with my best friend. We lost our house in a fire in April and just over a year later I discovered what was going on. She in the meantime had her fifith child. Apparently it was their bad unattentive spouses that brought them together. At the end of the day they are both manipulative and deceptful. She has lied to me everytime since and he seems to tell me the truth. That they still are in contact. I moved out when I found out with our two little boys and have started to rebuild. He seems to think he can still have my friendship but I simple don’t want either of them in my life. Unfortunately he is my children’s dad and I have to obide with that but every chance he gets he wants to talk to me. Then subtly brings her up. It is as if he wants me to know what is happening for attention. They are both very unrealistic and have really destroyed their lives and intergrity through this. But I simply say if you are soulmates and truely love go for it I will not get in your way but he will not. Instead he saids it is not that easy. At the same time he is very concerned about me being with another man. Sometimes I feel as though I am the one who has had the affair. No matter how I treat this thing I am being put through emotional pain. TLC

  16. NewToThis August 22, 2011 at 7:15 am #

    My husband is still under the affair fog and he moved out this week. As painful as it was to see him leave, its a small comfort to be off this roller coaster ride with him. The man I feel in love with died when he walked out the door. I know I took vows but Im moving on with my life. I have been focusing my time trying to enjoy life again, i.e tennis, movies, family,etc. It really does help the healing process. Stay strong and be blessed. Time does heal all wounds.

  17. Tryingtounderstand August 25, 2011 at 7:54 am #

    its been now three months since the roller coster ride started at home. I also tried all sorts of methods..talking, pleading, interventions, etc to solve the problem but nothing worked. I tried the backing off and chargingneutral method and it worked wonders although the emotions at times get a better part of me and i just GIVE HIM A PIECE OF MIND !!!. truly my husband has changed and just being around him takes a lot of effort. We dont talk much anymore although i have taken this positively to protect myself from his hurtfull talks and actions.
    Sometimes i get him texting her and during those moments the charging neutral and backing off methods are thrown off the window. its been three months but it feels like i have been in the roller coster for 3 years. My H woun’t confess of the affair even on producing evidence but i can honestly say it is better now than during the dd. Initially there was no intimacy but now he initiates it although i still feel the distance between us.
    I wonder when and if our lives will ever be normal again, when he will come out of the affair fog and how to deal with the elephant that is always there when we are the two of us.

  18. MadSadWife September 2, 2011 at 7:42 am #

    Well, I opened my H’s iPhone this morning (I saw his code and waited until he was in the shower). I read all of the sexting from this morning. Apparently his EA was more – it was also PA! I’m devistated! He had assured me that he hadn’t seen her in months, but after reading what I did, I know that was a lie and the relationship was all encompasing. I marched into the bathroom and confronted him with the info. Know what? He was mad that I had gotten into his phone. He tried to stall, but then admitted to everything. I asked him why? No answer. I asked him “Why are you still here?” He said, “Because you asked me to stay.” Then I reminded him that for him to stay in our home there was to be no contact. Do you remember me saying that? I told him he couln’t have her and live like we’re a family. I looked him in the eye and was amazingly calm, told him he’d have to move out if his intention was to continue having any type of relationship with her. He said he had to leave for work, and that he’d come home at lunch and we’d talk more. Then he gave me a long hug. My hands are shaking. I want our marriage to work, but I will not have this! I’m so scared what’s going to happen. We had gone out last night on a date night and thought things were moving forward for us. I guess I was wrong. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense.

    • Doug September 2, 2011 at 8:53 am #

      MSW, Man I’m sorry to hear about these new developments. Stay strong and firm and let us know how your discussions turn out today at lunch time. Good luck!

  19. tammy September 2, 2011 at 1:55 pm #

    I’ve been married for 29 years and back in 2006 I noticed that things were not like they were we did’nt talk has much we could’nt agree on anything fought a lot so I begin praying for God to fix my marrige. But it was us that needed fixing we to started going bible study I went kicking and screaming he suggested we talk to our pastor I did’nt want him in our business! Well in 2007 i noticed a change in him but I was in a I don’t give a damn fog until I started noticing the signs of an
    affair !
    This affair lasted for 2 years, he was living a double live and he
    began to treat me the way I treated him we both took each other for granted. Once he admitted to the affair we began going to counseling and every time I thought it was over God would reveal him and he would get caught now…on our 27 anniversay he told me he was leaving me for her and I cried and the next day I ask him if knew when he would be leaving because I needed to start detaching myself from him and two days later he said he could’nt leave his family .

    We have both been trying to get out of this fog for to long
    even after going back to counseling and having prayer sessions
    and doing spritual reading together 1 1/2 years later he’s still contacting her ang helping her pay her bills he saids that are just friends. I ask him at lease twice a month to move out
    and just be with her I’ve always told him if she makes you happy please go don’t keep hurting me …. and says he’s going make so life changes cause he can’t keep hurting me it’s like this woman has a spell over him and he can’t or won’t let her let go ! I’m so tried but I told God I would stand and wait for him to work in my husband because he was a true man of God and he got lost and let satan into our marrige…. but I’m tried of not trusting him and feeling insecure. He has made a lot of changes in our marrige since this whole nightmare started and I can see my Godly man trying to surface but something is holding him back! Please tell me is this the fog ?

  20. Mad Sad Wife September 2, 2011 at 3:29 pm #

    My H came home for lunch and we talked about our situation. He, in theory, believes in marriage. He’s terribly sorry for all the pain he’s caused me and our daughters. He’s not ready to go through with a divorce at this time. But he refuses to live a life without passionate love and he can’t get that with me right now. Also he is not ready to call off all ties with the OW; he’s slowed the relationship down, but can’t bear no contact. In fact, he said he was going to see her tomorrow. He said he would stop lying and let me know when he talked/saw her. Woo!Hoo! for me! Wow, what a relief! He wants me to give him 2 weeks to find a place to move into. WTH! I guess he’s still in the FOG. It may be the best thing for him to move out and realize what’s happening.

  21. Tryingtounderstand September 6, 2011 at 6:53 am #

    My H now wants to move out, but he wount tell me the specific day or month. As time goes by he’s been worsening.. coming home very late or wee hours of morning, spending lots of time outside especially weekends..does this affair fog become thicker with some people??? its now 3-4 months since the dd. Its so painfull to implement the backing off method..i really wonder how long i’ll put up with this. I am really thinking of implementing the tough love method..opening the cage door and letting him go..in the meantime am gathering up strength so am able to stand which ever way it goes

    • Sad Mad Wife September 6, 2011 at 1:59 pm #

      I’m experiencing the same thing. Before I knew about the affair, my H was doing everything to hide it. Now that I know, it’s “I’m going to see this woman and there’s not really anything you can do about it.” He’s told me he’s not sure about anything and he wants me to give him space to figure it out. Our 17 year-old daughter knows what’s going on – in fact she found one of their emails before I knew anything about the EA/PA and was trying to protect me. I can’t allow him to continue this behavior for my daughters’ sakes, as well as mine, while he lives in our house. I think he’s moving out this weekend. I’m so sad and hurt!

      • strongsexyme September 8, 2011 at 3:08 pm #

        I know it hurts its almost unbearable…. but give him time to figure it out if he wants to leave let him go if it was meant to be he will stay and work it out to save his marriage but in the mean time give your marriage to God and pray for your husband and your marriage and for God to give you the strenght to get throught this .

    • strongsexyme September 8, 2011 at 3:05 pm #

      First let me still you that its a very hard thing to deal with … I’ve been dealing with an emotional affair my husband had 2 years ago he’s he told me he was leaving me and i ask him when he would he be leaving because i needed to detach myself from him ASAP after 29 years and two days later he said he could’nt leave this was 6 months after admitting the affair. I’m not sure what this fog thing is but i do know that when new feelings form between two people it’s hard to let go when in their minds they thought that their marriage was’nt going well or what ever the reason may be for having the affair they began giving their hearts to someone else , but if he loves you he well do what ever it takes to let go of this other woman altogether . I have’nt had to deal with the late nights or the him spending alot of time away from home but they still call each other once in awhile witch is to much for me ! i want it all to end i want her to never have happened so i have begun to let go and let God and get myself together and let God work on him because…I seen the work that he has already done in my marriage in the last 1 1/2 years after the affair we’re closer then we have been in years and there has been so many changes in my marriage that are better then i could hope for ,but his remaining friends with her still hurts and i can see him really trying to let go … it’s just not as fast enough and but i understand it’s hard but i don’t understand whats taking him so long!!
      So let go and and let God work in him pray for your marriage if you believe in prayer it works!!! Good luck God Bless you

  22. Sad Mad Wife September 8, 2011 at 4:19 pm #

    Thanks, Strongsexyme. I’ve been praying a lot, asking for strength and guidance. The plan is we are going to tell our daughters this evening that H is moving out Saturday. I’ve been so emotional today, I can hardly concentrate at work. I went to my doctor this morning for a check-up. My blood pressure was way up. She asked if I was stressed. OMG, I started crying and told her my husband was having an affair and was moving out. Then she started asking me questions and she told me I was clinically depressed. She asked me if I’d like a prescription drug for help – I said no. Have any of you found rx drugs helpful during these times? I’ve set up to see a counselor.
    I’m afraid that when he moves out, that will be it. I’m trying to be strong and back off, but a little voice in my head wants to hurt him, like he’s hurt me. So I’m trying to stay out of his way and not say something I will regret. I keep asking him the same questions and he gets frustrated.
    I find it so awfully strange that he says that my inattentiveness to his needs over a LONG period of time is exactly why he thought I wouldn’t care about his affair. The way he describes our past is so different from what I experienced. I know it’s been a short time since I found out about the affair (a little over 1 month), but this has been the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced.

  23. Paula September 8, 2011 at 11:28 pm #

    Sad Mad Wife

    So sorry, I’ve been where you are, and it’s crazy hurt, like nothing else. I tried meds last year, I kept telling GP it wasn’t depression, it was grief, however, my prolonged grief did end up with me having to see a psychiatrist, and it was SO against how I live my life, but he put me on meds. We tried four different things, this took time, which was excrutiating, no improvement, difficult to get through every day, hoping for the “Magic” to occur! I put on a lot of the weight I had worked so hard to lose, and got depressed about that. He tried me on a couple of SSRIs, but they didn’t work, so I ended up trying a couple of tricyclics and anti-anxiety meds. I don’t remember feeling much better, but I must have been a little better, because the recommendation was to stay on them for about 18 months, however, I was putting on weight at an alarming rate, despite exercising, so weaned myself off after approx 7 months. I’m glad I tried them, they may have helped, as I was pretty dire before I went on them, but I am able to function pretty well without them. Been off them for about 10 months now. It is by far the most painful thing I have experienced, also, FAR worse than you ever imagine. On the upside, when we separated, and had to tell our children, they were very cool about it, almost offhand, I wish yours well, we made ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN they knew we both loved them, and we still loved and respected each other, and that they were welcome at either house whenever they felt like it, we were lucky and only lived walking distance from each other for that period. I tried very, very hard not to demonstrate how intense the pain is for me, but my elder daughter, especially, knew, we chatted a little, but I never put her father down, and explained his remorse and sorrow, and told them all that if they had any worries or questions at all, that they were most welcome to ask away. I kept it all very calm and “normal” for them. We have reconciled, by the way.

    • Sad Mad Wife September 9, 2011 at 10:00 am #

      Thanks for the info – that’s how I feel, not really depressed (well, maybe a bit) but grief-stricken. My teenage girls were good, and seemingly not too upset, but time will tell. It seemed definitely harder for me than for them (which is a good thing, I hope). We told them that we loved them and it was something that both my H and I needed at this point. I’ve also told a couple of friends that H is moving out. They are incredibly supportive of the decisions I have to make – not really giving advice, but letting me talk things through. It has made me feel less like my world is shattering around me.
      I hope my H and I can restore our marriage, but if not, I’ll be OK.

      Paula, congratulations on your reconcilliation. I now know how difficult a road that is to travel. Hopefully I’ll be on that path.

  24. Tryingtounderstand September 13, 2011 at 3:33 am #

    SMW its truly sad that ur relationship has deteriorated to this level and although your struggles are similar to mine i decided from the begginning not to let my H see that he has so much control over my life. Yes i cry alot and pray to God for intervention but in the presence of my H i make sure that he sees a confident, attractive, funloving, succesful and independent woman. I do this with all my strength despite the fact that i feel awfull on the inside…ofcourse there are moments when its just too much and i let him have it. We dont really want them to see the broken, twisted, needy side of us at this time. I’ve come to accept that he really is not capable of loving me as his wife at this point in time untill the fog lifts. Displaying my independence has made him a bit nervous and now he’s become this control freek. Last night he told me that i should ask him 4 permission whenever i wanted to go out and give him specific as to where, when and with whom i’ve gone out. This is a type #2 affair ‘can’t say no’ and its associated with a character flow. Honestly i dont have a clue how to respond to his controling and manipulative ways.

    • Sad Mad Wife September 13, 2011 at 9:23 am #

      My H came over last night and grilled steaks for our daughters and me. He looked so sad. After dinner we talked and he said that moving out wasn’t what he’d thought it would be and it was much more difficult. I told him that I was sad also and that I knew it was going to painful. It was the first time in years that I’d seen him break down and cry. I expressed my concern for his feelings, but that he had made his decision to live separately. It seemed it was the first time he started taking responsibility for some of the hurt. I think he is agonizing over the decisions he made. He even brought up the OW and said he’d have to come clean with his feeling for her if we had any chance of moving forward with our marriage. Not tonight, he said, but at some point. This is the first time he’d mentioned a belief that the marriage could survive. I don’t know where this is headed, but I feel stronger today.

      • Doug September 13, 2011 at 9:40 am #

        SMW, I’m glad you feel stronger. It seems that perhaps he is indeed coming out of the fog and realizing that the grass on the other side of the tracks isn’t so green after all. Best of luck to you. Keep us posted.

    • strongsexyme September 14, 2011 at 11:28 am #

      Let me start by saying i’m proud of you for being so strong ! …..
      But do not let him get the upper hand on you now by letting him control and manipulate you continue to be respectful by informing him that you and the girls are going out for a while and you’re be back later and that dinners on the stove but you need to breath . Did he talk to you about his feelings before he decided to tear your heart out by having an affair? It seems that if we are strong women and they see a little weakness they think can control us ! Iwas heart broken over my H affair an I wanted him to see the pain he had cause me because I’m human ,but I also let him see that I was still that strong independent woman he married 29 years ago and that I could make it with or without him ! S stay in prayer ,stay strong, and stay true to your self.

  25. bittertruth October 26, 2011 at 2:27 am #

    My H has been having an affair with a woman almost 2 and half years now. I have tried EVERYTHING you could imagine to try to get him to wake up out of the fog. He doesn’t want to let go of me, but will not let go of her either. He has moved out of our home and works on the road living in hotels, but comes home on the weekends to stay with our kids. He will not commit to the OW either. He refuses to take the rest of his clothing to her house and leaves them in our closet. He says that I will never trust him so why try? He says that he will not live with me checking up on him, checking his email, cell phone records…so he is not willing to put any work into keeping us together…yet at the same time he can’t let go. It’s very frustrating. When I try to talk to him, he cries. I have seen this man cry more in the last 2 years than I have in 18 years of being together.

    Most of the time he is very distant with me. We go days without talking and then out of the blue, I will get a text that says “Have a good day.” The thing that makes me the most crazy though, is how he tries to act like this is my fault. “If you hadn’t been checking up on me, if you hadn’t accused me of talking to that hot secretary at work, if you had sex with me when I wanted it and didn’t reject me, if you trusted me more, then I would not have had an affair. He continues to tell me what a “best friend” his affair partner has been to him, as if he owes her something. How she was there for him, when no one else was. I keep telling him, “well that is how affair partners are, they ARE your best friend..they tell you what you want to hear”…this is where the fog comes in because he insists that SHE is his one and only best friend and I am nothing. It’s so ironic though because I always tell him, “then go be with your best friend” and he’ll tell me “No, I don’t want to go be with her”…he is with her when he feels like being with her and she allows that. She is a doormat. I refuse to be the other doormat.

    Recently there is a man who has been giving me some attention. When H found out he was livid. I thought for sure it would wake him up, but I think he was upset that his “cake” was being looked at by someone else. It didn’t change anything, it just made him go away even more. I am at my wits end, and about ready to give up!

  26. Tryingtounderstand October 26, 2011 at 9:24 am #

    Bittertruth ..your experience is so similar to mine if you get a solution to your problem it will most certainly be applicable to mine as well…they behave like brothers. I was to move out so i can give him space and time to learn from him mistakes but fortunately or unfortuntely he was send to a war torn country for three months.. we agreed to let this separation be the space he needs to figure out his life and our marriage. I will make my final decision to stay or move once he comes back depending on whether he has changed his ways or not.

  27. bittertruth October 29, 2011 at 4:09 am #

    Hi Tryingto…..
    I feel your pain. I feel like I have been thru hell with this affair. I keep hoping that someday he wakes up out of the fog and comes back. I have started to give up. I look around at things in this house and tell myself, I really should just pack up and leave. Some days I am okay with that decision and then other days I can’t do it because then I know that is more of a finality. How long does one wait anyway on the affair fog to lift. It will be 3 years in June since DDay. I found out about the OW pretty quickly so it wasn’t a long time that he saw her before I knew something was up. I have blogged about it, so if anyone would like to read the crap I have dealt with…it’s in my website link.
    I haven’t updated the blog lately. Probably cause there has been so much more happening that I can’t keep up with it.

    So all of his clothes and personal stuff are still here…he has 2 full drawers with clothing, shoes, hats, his electric razor, a toothbrush. He insists on keeping it all here and refuses to take it over to OW’s house. He says “I don’t want to take it all there”…why??? I think it’s his way of keeping one foot at home.

    I know he is still so confused. I know he doesn’t love her. But the problem is that I don’t think he loves me either. It’s amazing how after 3 years of his affair, I still feel the same about him. I have been hurt, angry, frustrated, sad, pissed off, crazy…you name it…and then lay down to go to sleep at night and all I do is dream about him. I hate that!!

  28. Hopeful December 14, 2011 at 9:57 pm #

    My husband has been in the fog now for 18 months and moved out the week of Thanksgiving without any warning. I found out about the affair very early on and did everything in my power to make him stop. The OW at the time lived in another state but has since moved to where we are so she could get closer to him. I have been a great detective in finding out everything I can and could about what they were doing, feeling and saying to each other. Yes, this hurt, but I just had to know. I’ve confronted her and have talked to her on several occasions and all we did was exchange the lies that we were being told my my H.

    My H and I went to counseling but were just turning our wheels with the past week’s events. We never really focused on what “our problem” was. Now he tells me that he loves me, but I am not the woman for him. The OW is meeting all his needs that I never did. WOW, did that hurt!! I am a mess. Crying all the time and calling up friends and talking their ears off. I know that they are all sick and tired of hearing me, but I just can’t help it. I love my husband and I want him home. I pray everyday, sometimes three and four times a day, for my husband to return home.

    I have read a lot of articles on the web and bought some books and I have done everything that was said not to do. I called his family and friends, I argued with him when he told me to back off; that he was on the fence. Well, now I have pushed him over. I filed divorce papers in September, but we both signed a paper telling the court that we were trying to reconcile. HA!! So much for reconciling. One thing that I haven’t tried yet is giving him his space. I just recently told him at the beginning of the week that I did not want his help anymore with any household things that needed done or any other problems that needed fixed. I could and would do it on my own. I told him to stop texting me and to just please leave me alone. This is harder on me than it is on him, I know. I haven’t spoken to him since Monday when I gave him a piece of my mind and hung up on him. It doesn’t help though when you have a 6-yr-old who wants her father home and asks him to please come home. Of course he thinks I put her up to this and I don’t.

    I am going to try the back-off method to see if it will work. I pray it will bring him out of the fog and realize what he is missing!!!

  29. Tryingtounderstand December 21, 2011 at 2:29 am #

    My Husband was also too deep in the affair fog a few months ago, i had already informed both our parents that i am officially moving out (separation) coz he didnt want to change and he didnt want to walk out of the Marriage either. Personally i decided enough is enough i wasn’t going to accept any more disrespect from him and i told him so, i also told him he had no say on matters concerning me and/or the family so long as he was still in the affair. I believe it’s Gods intervention because their office was suddenly moved to a neighbouring country and that gave us the separation i so badly needed. Before he left he asked me not to move out and to give him another chance. Right now hes back for christmas holiday,he seems to have changed…alot… i dont know what happened to him but it seems the affair fog has lifted. He no longer hides his phone and he keeps updating me about his whereabouts. The break and lots of prayer is doing wonders. He’s been talking about the future, turns off the televion when i am around so we can ‘talk’ and his mind is stayed at home.

  30. Hurtandconfused February 3, 2012 at 10:58 pm #

    I am so confused if my husband is in the fog or not? On thanksgiving I cked his phone and noticed he was having an emotional affair with a women who lives 1400 hundred miles away btw no the first time. This time I kicked him out. He left for a week came back and told me there was nothing going on and it was done. A few days later he packed mst of his stuff and told me and the kids he needed to find himself and go away for awhile.. I begged and pleaded but he left anyways. A couple days later we found out he went to live with the other women and made me tell the kids. Three months later he is still there and says he loves me he just isn’t in love with me. And that he loves her and she makes him happy btw he quit his job a few weeks before and she is paying for everything for him. I filed for divorce but I’m so hurt and hopeful he will come back to us. He came to visit the kids for a weeks and left today. When he was here he kept telling my he still loved me she makes him happy and is honest with him I wasn’t always. To top it all off I found some texts he sent her and everything he told her are lies. He told her he wasnt living with us and supporting two houses was hard. He was here the whole time. When he was here he told me he wasn’t in a rush to get divorced but wasn’t ready to stay and he wants to be a good friend with me. The kids are a wreck and I think he feels bad but says he can’t make himself stay at the moment. Wtf is that? We have court next week he said he was coming know he’s not sure. Is there any hope he is in the affair fog and will come back to us or should I JSt let go? He promised the kids he would move a little closer by may and wants his mistress to move with him if she can transfer jobs. She was two kids and is divorced so she has mothing to lose. What should I do go though with the divorce or hope we will come back?

    • aida February 10, 2012 at 9:54 pm #

      hey hurtandconfused….i’m confused too. i have a strange feeling your situation and mine are the same.

      what if both our husbands are telling a bunch of lies to the other woman? he can tell her a bunch of stuff….i don’t like to imagine my husband lying on both sides, but it could happen

  31. Too Sad March 16, 2012 at 12:28 pm #

    This is the first I have responded to a blog since I found out about my wife’s EA. I found out new years eve that my wife of 25 years was in an EA with her best friends husband. We have been friends for 23 years and had gotten along very well. There was always some flirting going on, but it was just that. I sensed that something was different with my wife, so I began to ask some questions. I found out that they had been meeting for lunch, calling all the time, and texting for the last 3 months. She said they had not had sex yet, but she was ready. I could see the fog very early on. Once she told me that she was ready to move on, she wanted some time on her own. This was January 4th. There is so much of this story to tell, but it will sound like I am just babbling. I first confronted him, she still would contact him. I had her tell our two children what she was doing, she said that she was and still will talk to him. I called her out to our friends with no change. Finally, I filled for divorce. This is when she finally agreed to seek counseling, so I held the papers. By the second session, she still was talking to him. This was the first time I raised my voice during the entire process. I think that this startled her. It is not in my character to be loud. I believe this is when the contact stopped. While she is still on her own, I believe she is working at figuring herself out. I told her not to contact me until she is ready to work on our relationship. It is tough to let go, but I think it is the only thing that I can do.

  32. whyme? March 28, 2012 at 10:34 am #

    well, where to start? my husband started about 7 months ago saying we just grew apart after 17 yrs of marriage – 2nd for both of us. well, then i found out about ow and then husband moved out/in with ow last month. i am told this is midlife crisis due to age difference between h and ow (ow could be his daughter/granddaughter) and will end shortly. i on the other hand am not so sure, h has an apartment which they share and everything inside is new – furniture etc. and they even bought a pet together – not sure there is such a thing as an affair fog or if my h is ever returning. h has most belongings at home and we have 5 children among us – 1 together that still lives at home. any thoughts….

  33. For better or worse June 15, 2016 at 6:13 am #

    After 13 years of marriage and 2 children, I discovered my husband’s secret life and an affair he says is over but I don’t believe or trust it. We’re 6 months out from D-day, and in counseling for 4 months, but now he says he knows his feelings for me died. He won’t leave, but he is no longer intimate with me. But in counseling this week he agreed to take time to get to know each other again without the pressure of an immediate ultimatum. I have told him all along he’s free to go if that is what he truly wants. I don’t want him here if he’s not able to be my husband in every sense of the word. I’m willing to do the hard work with him but only if he wants it too. I’m not forcing or pressuring him. It’s so increasingly difficult to deal with him. The apathy is the worst. He closed himself off from me emotionally, giving to the OW everything that could have made our marriage better: time, loving words and intimacy (although it was online, the affair still had a sexual component). I feel like I’m losing my mind.

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