broken-heartGood Wednesday!

I must admit that I had a tough time coming up with a topic for our discussion this week. Perhaps my brain is still mush from the extra long weekend.

So to kick-start my thinking I looked back on some comments and emails that we’ve received and noticed that there are a lot of betrayed spouses that are stuck in an emotional “no man’s land” after the affair.

They are treading water between working things out with their cheating spouse (which often times is going well), but also feeling resentment, distrust, fear, anger and pain which is stopping them from really moving forward in their marriage or relationship. They are holding on to the past hurt which is a barrier to their affair recovery.

One particular email that we received yesterday stuck in my mind this morning and I’m going to paraphrase one of the questions that this person asked for this week’s topic:

How can you get over the past pain and learn to diminish the resentment and fear you feel in order to be happy with your partner that cheated ?

It would be wonderful to get some other success stories during this discussion, so please don’t be shy. Whether you realize it or not, everybody that participates helps many others by doing so!

Have a great day!

Doug & Linda

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LINESPACE

See also  Discussion - How Has Your Love Changed After the Affair?

    26 replies to "Discussion: How Do You Get Over the Past Pain?"

    • D

      Let me preface this by stating that every relationship is different.

      We have definitely turned a corner in our household. Every day the affair is further and further away to the point where I at times wonder why I got so bent out of shape about this? I never thought I would be in this frame of mind.

      Much of this has to do with my wife’s behavior toward me. She is engaging, generous, affectionate, sexual, and for the most part open with her feelings. She has accepted responsibility and has honored NC since April. She sees this as a fantasy and has worked hard to get him out of her system and work on herself (through therapy, etc) in order to work on our marriage. Neither of us believes she ever fell out of love with me, but rather she allowed herself to cross those boundaries we are all tempted to cross at one time or another. I don’t believe there was a “reason” for this. It just happened one step at a time until it got out of control … just like any addiction.

      Frankly, it seemed possible after dday that we could have moved past this quickly and resumed our relationship. But it turned out we both needed to allow anger and pain to run its course. She needed to feel punished. I needed to feel betrayed. To move forward without that would be harmful in the long run.

      But there is a point when both parties need to move on.

      For my own part, just as she needed to let go of the affair, so too did I. I needed to stop talking about it, stop voicing every thought, stop throwing it in her face. She isn’t sleeping with, pining for, secretly meeting with anyone now, so what am I angry about? My ego is bruised, my trust has been damaged, my belief in my marriage has been shaken. It’s legitimate anger. But it’s anger based on past events. She is in the marriage now. She is reaching out to me. She wants to be with me. I still need to accept that completely, but I’ve found the less I dwell on this, the better I feel.

      It was also helpful to accept that I can’t depend on her for my happiness. I need to secure that for myself. It’s not a bad result to all of this. I am less beholden to her and I think she appreciates me more for it.

      One important aspect to keep in mind (and it helps the betrayed understand the mindset of the betrayer during the affair) is that one can become addicted to the pain of betrayal. Wallowing, anger, ruminating are all bad habits I’ve fallen into. I’m used to waking up and thinking about them. I’m used to passing by places they met and getting mad about it. It becomes Pavlovian after a while. I found I needed to have those negative feelings because I became accustomed to having them. They became a sort of crutch for me. Without them, without being the betrayed husband, who was I? I imagine my wife felt a similar need. She developed a bad habit of needing to hear from him, to see him, to read his emails, and when she tried to break that habit, it was too difficult.

      I’ve really tried hard to break my own habits, to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. And one really important lesson I’ve learned is that tomorrow really is another day. I get the one day at a time mantra.

      We will never be as naively trusting as we once were, but we will never be as dependent either. I think that independence allows one to take a chance on love once more. If a cheating spouse really wants to commit to the marriage, then we might take a chance to allow love to flourish.

      • Doug

        D, Wonderful post as usual. Thanks for your contribution. I’m sure many will (and should) take it to heart.

    • tryingtoowife

      My goodness! What a wonderful and inspiring post D. I feel good today, 7 months on! And I welcome some of your words and feelings written here. These are wise words, and I will try to remember it, if or when I feel down again. I want to hold on to feeling OK, sadness is tiring and I have had plenty of it. I am holding on to the good while I can see and feel it, and ignoring the angry and hurt voice inside. Thanks and thanks for this post. It is great food for thoughts. My needy thoughts.

    • Donna

      what a great post D. I think I get caught in the trap of dwelling on the affair and I want to desperatly let it go and move on. Maybe that just might happen now with a new development in my life… I am not sure, maybe it will make it worse.

      Innocently last Wednesday I went in and had a breast reduction only to find out a week later that in one of my breast I have an unusual mass of abnormal cells which at this stage are not cancerous, but could turn that way. I have to wait out 8 weeks before I can have testing done to find out where I am at. I have to wait that long, because of my surgery I need to heal before they mess around more with my breast.

      I am scared, I am at the stage of Why me? when I am going through my husbands EA. I am angry, I am so hurt, I am at the stage where I think oh well, I may die and he can have what he wants in the end. I am feeling help;ess. I am wondering how I am going to get through the next 8 weeks knowing what could be waitng for me.

      I told my husband that I don’t want him staying out of guilt or because of what i coulod have and he told me not to worry about it and let him worry and not to tell him what to do because since when did he listen when told what to do!

      He was going to go away in early January to work 6 hours away by plane to sort himself out. I still think he needs to do this as I would rather go through this alone than with a husband who cannot emotionally supposrt me the way i will need it.

      I am struggling this morning with all that I may have to face. It is easy for someone to say just forget about it and worry in 8 weeks time if it comes through clear. I wish it was that simple. Kind of like just forgetting about my husbands affair, how do you do that when just finding out about it?

      I either need my husband with me on this 100% which ever way this turns out. If it turns out negative, that is great, but then I don’t want him to say.. oh good, I stuck by you and did what i needed to do.. now I am off. If he chooses that I have no choice but to let him go, I don’t want to trap him.

      I am in an emotional vacuum right now and just don’t know where to turn too. Sorry for the vent, I just needed to get it off my chest. Some BIG choices meed to be made here, however I don’t want ot say you need to do this or you need to do that. Eitehre way, he won’t like it and will do as he chooses in the end.

      • Lostinlove

        Donna, my heart is with you…both for the betrayl you are suffering thru and your health…While I was away with my teen son who was going thru cancer treatments, I had to learn to lay my life down. I was a pastor for God when my eldest son, at 15 was diagnosed with a lymphoma to which is very rare. His treatment was inpatient for 10 months, it was horrible to see him dying before my eyes….But the most important lesson I learned is that this evil disease thrives on negativity….so take heart in scripture…remember your are loved dearly by a Lord who is good and kind…and unfortunately can not change the will of man…But with an enormous amount of Love….all things can and do work for the Good…Let your husband go and God will carry you…I know it sounds lonely…and it can be at times …but you have an inner strenght that we are gifted with…that will sustain you. Trust in the Lord and he will abide in you. Today my son is 17, cancer free and amazing. I am strong enough to deal with my husbands infidelity…even when I am devastatingly sad, lost, lonely and feel adrift. But, I pull out my bible and my Lord is with me, he will never leave me nor forsake me. I am so grateful. My prayers are with you for a full recovery of all your trials and tribulations.. Remember to focus on the blessings, for they are there and they are many. Even if you have to dig to find them!

    • Donna

      spoke to my husband today and he says that even though in the last 2 weeks he has not spoken to ow he has given and has been giving our marriage a chance. I told him that he hasn’t, that while he was still on contact with ow he ws not giving us a proper chance. He said I am asking for guarentees and he said find me a marriage that can guearentee that marriage will be fine. I said I can’t. I back off, I am doing the 180, he is defensive he says that when I am feeling helpless I am not giving us 100%, so why should he be expected too when he is dealing with problems too. I am ready to delve into my book and back off from this marriage and look after me and my problems at hand.

      In some ways I wish he would still go away, fix himself and sort out what he really wants in life. That way while he is gone I can fix me and my children. Of course I would miss him like crazy, I love him… however I am just over this today.. tomorrow will be better and i know this too shall pass.

    • D

      The 180 worked for me. In the beginning I would do whatever she needed, but after a few months of her giving less than 100% to our marriage, and reading in her journal how much she missed him and thought of him I finally had enough. Two things about this: 1) It freed me up to say, if you want him, go to him. If you just don’t want me, then leave. I don’t want pity, I want a partner and if you’re unable to be that for me then it’s really worthless to keep trying. I deserve better. 2) I shouldn’t have read her journal – it made me understand that she had to go through whatever she had to go through, withdrawal, remorse, guilt, whatever … if I didn’t allow her the space or method she needed, she was never going to find her way back to me (or herself for that matter.)

      Donna, my wife also wouldn’t guarantee our union. She couldn’t. She was confused, dazed, guilt-ridden, self-loathing (she would later admit that she felt she didn’t deserve my love.) Giving the betrayer space to understand what they’ve done or how they feel not only frees their minds, but yours as well. Learn to sit with your pain, allow it to mellow and diminish at its own pace through meditation, walks, shopping, whatever … and cross those days off the calendar because tomorrow will be different and sooner than you think the days will be brighter, the burden lighter and you’ll even find that maybe you’ll be ok should he decide to end things. You’ll be stronger, more assured of yourself, because you just went through hell and came out alive.

    • Infidelity Rage

      I am where this post is discussing. I can’t get past the pain, resentment and everything else. Four months out, I guess this is normal?

      I guess if I just hand in there, it may pass and if it doesn’t then I guess I will have a decision to make.

      I can’t say that my husband hasn’t been doing what he is supposed to be doing. I just can’t let go of the betrayal… How can someone who loves someone so much do something so horrible to him/her? That’s what I just don’t understand.

    • stupidandtrusting

      Donna – because my breast cancer was discovered within 8 weeks of DDay, it has been especially difficult and made our progress much slower. In other ways, it gave my H an opportunity to show what he is capable of, what level of love, support and care he can offer, and for me to feel the positive from him. His regret is made that much worse by my diagnosis.

      Try to remember that they are not cancerous at this time and in my experience, you would not be left for 8 weeks if they were seriously thinking it was cancer. I don’t mean to be pushing drugs here, but has anyone offered ativan or something during this time? I had a tiny dose to take when I was at my most worried and it helped take the edge off.

    • Denise

      This is the first time I have posted on here. I visit the site often and do a lot of reading, but until tonight, have not posted. This is a wonderful site and I can’t thank you enough for having it available. Not being able to afford marriage counsling, this site has been my rock for the past 7 mths.
      I found out about 7 mths ago that my husband of 17yrs had been having an “emtional affair” with one of our friends. His story was about the same as many of the postings I have read on here…he told me he didn’t love me anymore, and said it was due to me not giving him/showing him the love that he felt he deserved from me. For three months, he put me and my two kids through pure he** while he tried to decide if he wanted to work on our marriage or throw in the towel. (this was before I knew about the affair) One week he loved me and went overboard trying to show it, the next week he wanted a divorce, the next week, he didn’t love me at all and he was just “trying”, and so on for three very long mths.
      I knew in my heart all along that there was someone else and it was finally confirmed the horrible night I found the messages on his phone.
      I moved out, he ended the affair, we talked a lot and finally decided to work on our marriage. I moved back into our home and I can honestly say that things between us truely are better than they have been in a LONG time. I feel like we are in love with each other again, communicating, (although he still chooses not to discuss the affair with me) laughing, having date nights, etc.
      However, I find myself here, 7 mths later, still bawling like a baby and posting this. I still have severe anger towards him, to the point where I want to emotionally hurt him the way he hurt me. I feel resentment towards him still, and can not shake the thought of “I was not good enough for him to fight for, the way he fought for HER”. Of course I don’t share these feelings with him, because it ends up in a fight and him telling me “we decided to put the past in the past and move forward, so why keep bringing it up”
      The other night, while he was sleeping, I tried to lay with him to fall asleep and just broke out into tears. It was like I felt the pain of first finding out, all over again. And this was after I was feeling pretty confident in myself that I was finally starting to move forward with this.
      So, ALL that being said, I guess I am left with a few questions. When everyone talks about “putting the past in the past” and moving forward and changing negative thoughts into postitive thoughts, how do I do this? What do I do with this extreme anger I still feel towards him? Do I ignore it and it will eventually go away with time? Any and all feedback would be very appreciated.
      I often think to myself…”how is it possible to love and hate so much at the same time?”

      • Doug

        Denise, what you are feeling is normal, I still have days and nights that you describe where I just start crying, feel insecure and don’t know if I can do this. The anger and wanting to hurt him has pretty much gone away, but that took a long time. I believe it came with forgiving him and that was a long process. To move forward takes the effort of both partners and it seems that the little behaviors demonstrated by both of us helped us inch our way closer to where we are today. I can’t really think of any one thing that either of us did that helped us to move forward except time, communication, patience and learning everything we could about relationships. I know this is difficult to hear but it has only been seven months, everything is still very raw. Doug and I are at two years and I finally feel that we are truly moving forward. Linda

    • stupidandtrusting

      Denise – I think something that is different for you that isn’t the same for me or Linda and probably others, is that your husband refuses to talk about it. It is in talking about it, painful as it is, that some understanding can occur. It was our conversations that helped me know more about how he got there and what we both could be doing differently. I am also at 7 months post discovery. I still cry, have triggers and anger. But my husband has developed patience (mostly), empathy, and an ability to communicate that I have never seen before. It’s far from perfect and he would very much prefer not to talk about it, but I believe that is a fantasy as well. Acting as though it didn’t happen, that I and we don’t have pain and fear, well that isn’t very real either. During times when he hasn’t wanted to talk, I have felt and said that it is as much a fantasy to ignore what has occurred and pretend all is well as the EA was a fantasy. I don’t mean dwell, I don’t mean badger (which I definitely have done) – I mean good honest communication about the issues that brought us to this horrible place.

      Last night, we went for drinks and dinner at a little place nearby. We started chatting with another couple who has been dating for two years and really found we had so much in common. They were close to our ages and had similar takes on so much – we laughed a lot and spoke about getting together again. That was until, the other woman perhaps had had too much wine, leaned across me, put her hands on my husbands arm and told him how very attractive he is and that she could see what a good man he is. Well, that moment was hard for me – he felt awkward as he knew how I was feeling and he certainly didn’t revel in the attention. I really believe her intentions were not what they seemed, and would not have seemed to me a year ago. But, oh, did my guard go up. What I felt was that it is so darn easy to cross a line. I really didn’t know what to do in that moment. what words I could say, so I said nothing. But, as we left, they suggested perhaps we meet there again next Friday and gave us their numbers. As much as I enjoyed the evening and their company prior to that comment, I am not sure I can do it. These are the long term things that I doubt go away. I am, indeed, still raw but progress is happening. There was nothing my H did to make this happen and his response was a silent stone cold, stiff body. I know he was afraid that this would come up later, but I haven’t let it. When we left the restaurant, he took my hand and told me that he couldn’t remember us ever being so connected and that he loved me more than he had ever realized. As we walked home, I felt such warmth and yet there was the possibility that I would burst in to tears. I think today I will mention it and ask him how he felt but honestly, I am able to feel more secure today than I did 7 months ago or actually, even a year or two ago. I am confident that if I bring it up, we will be able to talk about it and he will do his best to reassure me. It takes a hell of a lot of reassurance to get through this…

      Denise, if you can’t afford counseling, can you perhaps afford some of the books that have been mentioned on here? I think your husband could benefit from such reading, as have all of us.

      • Doug

        Stupidandtrusting, I believe you are correct that the reason we are progressing and not feeling the anger because our spouses are finally able to talk about the affair in a patient manner. For the most part the conversations are matter of fact not as emotional as in the past. It has taken a lot of time to get to this place, but I believe that we are finally to the point that we trust each other and do not fear the responses. It is all about feeling secure and knowing that your spouse loves you and is committed to the relationship. Linda

    • Julia

      I honestly feel hope that our marriage is better now, 2 years after the end of the affair. My husband quit working with the other woman, strangely enough, when my husband quit his job to avoid her, she quit her job as a nurse at the hospital he worked at just a few months after he did. Without him covering up for her and doing her work, she, AJ , just could not cut it, I guess, as a nurse for sick children. I always thought it was just a game for her, to break up our marriage, a challenge so to speak. We are both communicating better now, he has told me all details of the affair, which I needed to hear. The affair had to be talked to death so there would be no secrets between us. Like I told him, I had to know the details in order to get over them and move on. I want us to reach the point someday where we can laugh or joke about it. I saw a turning point in our relationship when we heard CHEATER, CHEATER song by Roey and Joey on the radio and my husband laughed at it and encouraged me to listen to it, with no anger. He told me he was seriously sorry for the hurt he caused me by his affair and that he just did not think of the ramications of the affair on me, our children, and our grand-children. He was in Lust. Many men are intensely flattered by the much younger women (she was 15 years younger) coming on to them and promising to give them everything their wife doesn’t. It’s like I told him, if I had had a much younger man kissing my a___, flattering me constantly, and telling me to come on over for some hot sex, I might have been tempted, I don’t know. But, for me, after 2 years, I am over most of it except for the triggers, area of town she lives in and him playing golf. Their first sexual experience was after she asked him to take her to play golf, his other passion besides nursing, when she lied and told him she loved golf, her mother told me a year later that she, AJ, hated playing golf. I think he realizes now it was just a game for her, to break up a 32 year marriage and suffer no consequences as a result. I am still bitter about how she used him for her kicks. My husband was true to me, no sex with other women, for 32 years. And, as the song goes, I hope she rots in hell, I know, not Christian of me, I pray every night for forgiveness towards her, not for her sake, but for mine.

    • Jane

      I am still having a difficult time with the whole EA. My husband does not want to talk about it and can not understand my need to know.He is happy just to let it drop. It has been 8 months now and I still wonder what caused it and why and what did they talk about on all those phone calls and meetings he had with her. It lasted almost two years before I found out.She lives eight hours away in his hometown.I feel like he is lying to me about it not getting to the physical point.We are in counseling;but he still does not communicate very well on this subject.How do people handle this?I am still getting thoughts of what really happened and he isn’t telling me.

    • Denise

      I would like to thank everyone that responded. I am glad I finally posted on here… Hearing your words of encouragement is very comforting. It makes me realize that all the feelings I am having are normal and I am not just dwelling on this.
      If I could ask a few more questions:
      ~Is there a link to the book list or are the books posted throughout this site?
      ~How do I get my husband to open up and talk to me about the EA? Is this something I should demand from him or do I need to be patient, until he is ready and comes to me? I NEED for him to let his wall down and talk to me about the EA, before I can even start to think about moving forward. I have asked, talked, and begged for him to talk and his only response to me is “how can we move past this if you continue to bring it up?” A few nights ago, I even handed over my journal for him to read. It contains ALL of my thoughts from the moment I found out about the EA, and I held nothing back as I wrote in it. I left it for him on the bathroom counter with a note attached to it, asking him to please read it, so we can move forward. I found it later that day, face down on the same counter. That was two days ago and he has not mentioned it to me at all. How do I get him to see that I can not just drop this and move on like he wants?

      • Doug

        Hi Denise, Not knowing what or how your husband best responds to, it’s hard to tell you how to do it. I can tell you though, that demanding him to take probably will not work. I doubt though, that he will come to you to talk about it–at least not for awhile. What you might try is telling him that you would like nothing more than to move on and continue your recovery and strengthening your marriage, but until he opens up and talks about the affair, that will be tough for you to do. I think if he respects your feelings and wants to get this behind you as best as possible, he will agree. Just don’t make it an interrogation, and don’t get angry, and keep it in short sessions. Just some suggestions. Good luck.

      • Karen

        Hi Denise,
        I have just come across this site and read your posting. Can you tell me have you managed to get your husband to discuss the affair…I am in a similar situation still after 14 mos and am, like you were, trying to recover from my husbands 2 year affair, with a prostitute and that’s truly what she is, he was paying her by the hr on a very regular basis, she is about 18yrs younger than me and he REFUSES to talk about it, I can’t start to mention it without WWIII breaking out. I have done so much for him, i’m still a size 4, work out regularly; I live with vivid images in my head after finding and reading hundreds of emails, finding her # in his phone, finding she had been calling my house in my absence, even came here… a fact he denies but found the email where he gave specific directions down to describing the vehicles in the driveway, text msgs, dates, places, nude pictures. I, like many who have posted, feel emotionally stuck and empty, I can’t seem to move past this, i try hard but just feel that if he can’t talk to me about what happened or why then he doesn’t have the respect or the concern for me that I deserve. When i make a step forward i eventually make 2 more backwards, i cry on a dime, feel depressed and totally worthless. He blames me for what he did…I was in another state trying to hold my job, fly overseas to take care of my sister who had terminal cancer, travel to help his mother who had cancer in GA, fly out to see him monthly and keep my sanity. I had no clue what he was doing…NONE although looking back i realise that everytime i came to see him he instigated a fight, was distant physically, showed no, or very little affection, stopped hugging, holding my hand, kissing became, and still is, a peck on the cheek, he was angered by almost anything i did…i walked on eggshells around him then and still feel like i do. The monthly visits to see him became unbearable but i kept thinking the geographical separation and his job were just too much stress on him and i loved him needed him. What happened to us…and now I don’t know how or, even “if” i should try, to fix us. There’s the problem… I feel like i have to fix us since he wont acknowledge what he’s done, the hurt/damage he’s caused…he’s said sorry but, is he sorry he got caught,that i shamed him or for what he actually did. I’m still trying to figure out how he was paying for all this action without me seeing $$$ missing all the time!! I just wondered if and how you moved on.

    • stupidandtrusting

      Oh Jane, I know just how you feel, I am on the same timeline – just approaching 8 months after nearly 2 years and she is out of state and is from his hometown. I am confident that the one time he saw her that it didn’t become a PA, but that is partially because I know of his disease paranoia. The need to know thing is a killer and I am starting to believe my husband when he says he can’t remember everything. He would love for it to drop but through counseling, has learned that it must be addressed. My H was in a depression that became increasingly serious during his EA, that is why I can believe that he can’t recall everything but I do have the essence as his AP sent me texts etc. It wasn’t half as interesting as my imagination…

      • Jane

        My husband saw her many times over the two years. There were times he went alone to visit family. He had opportunity to make it physical.

    • Julia

      I am trying to find a post by hurt by the affair posted December 8 2010 1:14 p.m. I don’t remember which topic it was on. Is there any way I could find that post? It stated she needed the ABSOLUTE TRUTH ABOUT EVERYTHING? I have tried to find it by searches on this site and searching the date and cannot find it. Any help would be appreciated greatly.

      • Doug

        Julia, I looked back at all posts on 12/8 and found nothing by anyone having the moniker “hurt by the affair” , nor was there any comment made at 1:14. There is someone named “hurtwife.” Could that be who you mean? Regardless, she had no comments posted at that time and date.

    • Rich

      Hi everyone.
      Its been a hellish 12 months, first i found about email/internet relationships. It was about 8 months into our relationship. Sure I had a few too before I met Jan, but I let them go. I fell in love, she didnt fall in love as fast, so she kept talking. Then she got busted and still kept talking, which then lead into a one night stand with her girlfriend. What a buzz kill as a man.
      She brought it to me, but i saw it coming and asked them both point blank if they were having sex durning her friends visit. Well I was 24 hours ahead of them.
      Anyway..i too have struggled leaving it alone. It took some time for her to clean her head out. Which I think is very important for the offending party. If you walk around with one little lie about your affair, it will eat you alive. I watched and for lack of a better word, I forced it out of her. IT was 2 months ago and it did more good than anything else.
      She has worked hard to fix it, build trust etc. I have access to all her accts. She offered to put key logger on her computer.
      It really was the cleaning of her mind that helped me learn to trust. It was going to look at email accts, phone bills etc to learn that she is being loyal. Now if I can get control of the feelings that get created by certain things she does that reminds me of those same mistakes. its the hurt winning, and not my mind. I will defeat it.
      Today we made a promise to each other to NEVER EVER talk about it again. Its not like she was running in telling me she misses someone. IT was me reminding her of what she did, using current actions that really dont mean a thing. Its time for let go, and know that tomorrow is another day. Now we do have a challenge of her being gone on a important family matter. It keeps us about 45 miles a part for days. Yeah we could drive back and forth more, but its best that she handle it, not me. I just have to trust that she will not go back to old habits, and she right is in control of how much time we get to keep working on becoming 1 again.
      I love this women, mistakes wont win, they will stop!

    • Debbie

      Hello everyone. It has been 6.5 months since I found out. I cought my husband texting OW. I cannont begin to describe the pain, the movie that went on in my head in fast motion when he told me her name. She had been co working with him over the past three years travelling interstate, leaving her car at our home while they travelled to 2 hours away to meeting. I was concerned about their closeness, I still recall my husbands comment to me of their first trip together. “dont worry about her she never stops talking about her husband and family she isnt like that” I trusted him as we have been married for 38 years, 5 grown children and 9 grandchildren. He stopped the affair as soon as I found out and has not contcted the OW only to tel her it was over. She has not contacted him and is trying to rebuild her marriage. He tells me he loves me and never stoped loving me that he just got caught up in a fantasy world that excited him and he felt he could live two lives. He never meant to hurt me. He tells me he is sorry and I believe him. He is trying so hard to make it all go away loving caring and treats me like a queen. I love him dearly always have, he has always been my rock who I believed would never do any wrong. It is so hard to deal with the pain the loss of trust, him lying and planning his trips away and still coming home to me taking me overseas on a trip only to fly out interstate to meetings and to be with the OW. I just dont get it. I feel so betrayed. We have some lovely times together now and just when I am starting to feel everything is going to be OK I fall in this dark hole when I bring up the affair and ask WHY and the pain starts al over again. We are reading books together and I try so hard to stick to a plan to not go back there but it keeps surfacing with triggers. Will this pain ever go away and will I be a whole person again.

      • Yuki

        Hi Debbie,

        It has been 8.5 months for me. I discovered his affair after I found an email from her open on his computer. He had fallen asleep right there at his desk. I got him up to get ready for bed and as I sat at his computer, I found it. Later I found hundreds more – love letters of all kinds. The affair had lasted 6 years.

        He also cut it off immediately when I found out, and he has tried to win me back. We do have fun times again and enjoy our granddaughter together – she is our first and she is 5 months old now. But I also cannot forget. I can be doing fine for days at a time, and then something will trigger a memory and I am down in that cave again, suffering in pain. I still cannot watch TV or movies, or listen to the radio or any secular music, or even read novels. I have to live a very sheltered life to avoid those triggers.

        But it is better than it was before. And from what I gather from my therapist, it will continue to get better with time and hard work.

        My problem is that my husband refuses to do any of the hard work. He thinks it will all just fade away if we just don’t talk about it or read about it anymore. I don’t think it will and neither does anyone else I’ve talked to. He even wants me to discontinue therapy because it means I’m still talking about it with someone.

        If your husband reads with you, that’s wonderful. You are well on your way to recovery. Sometimes I wonder, though, if betrayed spouses just learn to live with it and remain the “walking wounded” for many years.

        Blogging on this site is a great way to work through problems. I have come a long way thanks to Doug and Linda and the people who come here and share. I’ve been away from blogging for a while and just came back tonight. It’s good to be here.

        Yuki

        • Debbie

          Hi Yuki, I too cannot listen to love songs or watch romantic movies. Although we are better than we have ever been we have more respect for one and other and are more sensitive to each others feelings, we do everything together. I know it will never be the same but If I can let it it will be better. By putting the past behind and looking to the future. I wish you all the best thankyou for your post.

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