Hello Everyone!
Getting your cheating spouse to open up and talk about the affair can be a challenge to say the least. But for many betrayed spouses it is necessary for them to know certain details so that they can heal, forgive, and hopefully move on to save the marriage.
We’ve heard from many readers that this is a big problem. So this week we want to hear from you on a few different points…Why do you need or want to talk about the affair? What is it that you are searching for? What reasons does your spouse give for not wanting to talk about the affair?
For those of you that have been successful in getting your spouse to talk, please share…How did you get them to open up? What was helpful in promoting effective conversation about the affair? How can you motivate your spouse to engage with you and heal your marriage?
Thank you very much for your contributions!
Have a great day!
Doug & Linda
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36 replies to "Discussion: Getting The Cheating Spouse to Talk About the Affair"
I’m 5 mths from DDay…finally feeling like I can ‘touch the bottom’ now…versus treading water. All started with IMMEDIATE marriage counseling for us…started 3 days following DDay. Took about 4 mths before my H began to ‘talk,’ but only after our marriage counselor supported this ‘talk concept.’ We are not at the ‘offering anything up voluntarily’ period though….not by any means…but the ‘dismissive barriers’ no longer exist…and he knows this question & answer period is healing for me…we just committed to doing this a little once a week…if I am up to it (as this was my idea … & need. ) it is absolutely true to state …THE TRUTH DOES SET YOU FREE…even though I will be ‘locked in this cage I’m in for a long time.’ You know what I am referring to if you are on this site….. but I know now I will recover from this ‘sentence’ I’ve been given.’
Changed, that’s great information for people to know. It’s important that you create a safe environment for communication to flourish, as it is much easier to get the cheater to open up that way.
Why I need to hear details from the affair? Because I need to know how serious and how connected he were. I need to know if I can trust him, and telling details about the affair is hard for him. If he can be trustworthy in that aspect, I may start to trust in him again. When the affairs was discovered, he said a lot of things that obviously was a lie, because the explanations was illogical. The turning point was when I wrote him a letter to tell him that nothing that he have ever done with theese women, can make me walk away from the marriage. Only his lies could. It was his choice.
The details came one by one, and we are still not finished. He tends to look at the affair with what he feels now, not what he felt then. I doubt I will ever get the whole truth…… just bits of it.
Norwegian, The letting out of information slowly over time seems to be a common pattern. Now that he is out of his affair fog, he is looking at the affair more realistically as opposed to in a fantasy sort of way.
Yes, he is out of the fog, and he is very ashamed of what he did. What worries me is that if he can`t tell how he felt, and how he was thinking as he went in to these affairs, he isn`t really processing it. And then it will not be recognized if he finds himself in similar situations. The two affairs were very different, one SA and one EA. In fact the EA was the most treathening to our marriage, because he was totally in a fog and wasn`t thinking rationally.
Can you really learn if you don`t aknowledge what you really felt and thought at the moment. Isn`t that lying to himself?
Perhaps he hasn’t been able to figure out how he felt at the time, but with future transparency, clear boundaries, along with honesty and open communication I think he will eventually come to terms with (or at least recognize) what was going on in his head at the time and be aware should a similar situation arise. We tend to see things more clearly the further we are removed from the situation (affair).
Some great points! Thanks you voiced what I couldn’t. I too can forgive his wandering for a bit. We can all be tempted. I can’t tolerate his lies, his half-truths and his reinterprettting of the past. It drives me batty — be truthful and forethright and then I cna heal, we can heal!
My first d-day was over a year ago. We haven’t, to this day, been able to talk about the affair in a productive way. She sees no reason to go over what happened. It serves no purpose to her. And I repeat HER.
Her given reasons include the idea that that’s not who she is anymore. That it wasn’t as bad as I think it was. She’s scared to be portrayed in a bad light. That I will hate her more. That its over, just get over it. And simply that she doesn’t want to.
I don’t know if my logic is sound but its what I can put in words. In a nut shell, If she can’t talk to me about the affair, how connected are we? Your spouse should be the one person that knows you best. If you can’t be honest about how you felt during the affair and what happened why should you expect the betrayed spouse to be loving and forgiving in return.
Then there is the simple facts that get mixed up and imagined. The less the betraying spouse is forthcoming and honest the more the betrayed has to fill in on there own. We have all seen movies, red blogs, heard stories. If I don’t know what happened those 5 hours she spent with him twice, I’m gonna tell myself she must have been f-n him. That’s what you see and hear in all the affairs we see. So if for nothing else set the record straight. Give the betrayed spouse no ammo to distrust you.
I fear it has been to long to ever know the truth about my wifes affair. At this point she probably has rewritten the truth of it her mind.
I have every email between us from day one. Looking at them before I still see no logical reason to believe her when she tells me she is being honest now.
Thanks Michael, You bring up some very good issues as usual. I hope that one day she will open up with you.
What I was searching for was vindication. I know that the other person only wants to show your spouse their wonderful side and what I wanted was for him to realize that it was a fantasy that they created and not what real love is all about. Not sure if I succeeded in that, but marriage counseling did help at first because she made my husband realize that he needs to answer any questions I have when I have them for as long as I need to ask them, even if he’s answered them before. She really made him realize very quickly how dysfunctional his relationship was with this woman and how dysfunctional this woman was. My spouse doesn’t always want to continue to talk about it. To him it’s over and done and in the past where he’d like to leave it because he doesn’t want to hurt me again, but for the betrayed there’s no such as “being hurt again”. The hurt is always there and will always be there, it’s how we choose to live with it that makes it better or worse.
I’ve come to the realization that I will never know all the details of their relationship. I will never know every conversation, text or email they shared, and some days that’s a hard pill to swallow. Other days I remind myself that it doesn’t matter, it’s over and done and all it really was was a fantasy that they created and something that could never compare with the love that a husband and wife share as they journey through life and raise a family together. When I see old people out and about holding hands and helping each other walk, I think that is the most beautiful thing and that is what true love is all about – not some fantasy of the perfect companion, but someone who will be there to take care of you as time takes it toll on our bodies. I don’t know, maybe that’s just my fantasy, but that’s what I’m working towards – a lasting love, one that’s real and true. That’s something the other woman could never be.
Anaffairtoremember, What has also become very evident through the conversations that Linda and I have had, is just how dysfunctional the relationship was. It really makes me feel how stupid and blinded I was as I look back on it. I think you have a very good perspective on things!
My H has not talked a great deal about his EA, and quite honestly I don’t want to know all the sordid details. This was his second EA in about 20 years, and the first time around I wanted to know everything (as the EA turned into a PA). I learned then that knowing all the details didn’t really help me, and in some ways it was worse because he told me about places they went, etc., and ever after I could not hear the names of those places, or songs that were “theirs” without getting a little upset.
I think when I did want details it was because I wanted to be reassured that the OW was not better than me; I wanted him to tell me what they did and said and then I wanted to hear him say that he didn’t enjoy himself as much with her as he did with me. I wanted to hear him tell me all the negative things about her, which he did.
This time around I’ve just let my H tell me what he wants when he wants. I don’t ask questions because, frankly, I don’t want to know. I know enough about the OW to know what kind of person she really is, and through her actions (to which I was witness) my H also found out what kind of person she really is. I am so blessed that all of that came out in such a way that he could not deny that it had all been fantasy.
He still says he doesn’t know what he was thinking, and for the most part I believe him. He was going through a difficult time and she had been waiting for just such an opportunity to pounce. He says it was a stupid mistake and he says he is sorry, and I believe that too. I still remind him, when the opportunity is appropriate, the he was responsible for his own actions, but I really blame her the most because she knew he was vulnerable. She reminds me of a vulture, she really does.
I don’t know if I’m right for feeling this way, but by forgiving him and by not asking for details, I feel like I have taken the high road in all of this and I have relegated the OW and the EA to the level of unimportance that they should have in my life. The only thing of any importance about it is that it was a wake-up call for me to do something about myself in the marriage, and it worked. I am making positive changes to myself, and my H and I are getting along better than we have in years.
I don’t mean to belittle those who feel they DO need to know the details. But everyone is different, and this is how I feel in my situation. I don’t know, maybe I’m in denial, but it just feels better not knowing everything.
Kathy, Thank you so much for sharing. You are one of the few who have taken the position of not wanting to know the details, and it has worked for you – which is great. Though most seem to share similar experiences, the path to healing isn’t always the same for everybody. You listen, read and counsel with several different sources and try to find out what will work best for you. You have to learn by trial and error.
I also felt the need to know just how intimate they were – what exactly I was dealing with here. I also need the details so that I can make sense of my life. As with most people, it’s very important to me that I know and understand my life. With the discovery of his affair, I realized there was a lot of stuff happening in my marriage that I didn’t know about. I now need to rewrite my history and my family’s history with this new knowledge. it is very important to me to make sense of it all and put the pieces together. I have to admit, I was pretty obsessive about it for a while there, but it helped me move forward.
My husband is one of those who let the truth out slowly, in bits and pieces. Some of it was truth and some of it was not. He still lies about things that he is ashamed of or feels will hurt our relationship further. Initially, he didn’t want to talk at all, but he got started talking because of the books we read that all said the same thing – you must answer your spouse’s questions and you must be transparent. Still, he has been inconsistent about it. Sometimes he’s open and easy to talk to, and at other times he’s sullen and hostile about the whole thing. I am learning to just go with the flow.
We also scheduled time for Q & A sessions so that he didn’t feel that he could never relax. Then about 4 months after D-day, I did not have any questions for a while. I knew I didn’t have all the answers I wanted, but I understood that I never would. Slowly it started getting to me that he has never given me the whole truth, and that I knew that I had filled in many blanks myself. So now at almost 5 months out, I am now questionning those pieces again. And wouldn’t you know, we have been arguing and arguing about whether or not he should still be having to answer these questions. Jeff Murrah’s blog today has a great article on the subject that I’m going to share with my husband. Hopefully it opens him again.
“I’ve come to the realization that I will never know all the details of their relationship. I will never know every conversation, text or email they shared, and some days that’s a hard pill to swallow. Other days I remind myself that it doesn’t matter, it’s over and done and all it really was was a fantasy that they created and something that could never compare with the love that a husband and wife share as they journey through life and raise a family together.”
The above is what I think too. I know of too much already, not because my husband offered it up willingly, but becuase I asked question after question. He did not want to answer, not because he didn’t want to tell me, but becuase he thought he was protecting me from more hurt.
What I do know of torments me and I then imagine all sorts of things that make it worse. I wonder if he ever proposed to ow, I wonder if they ever went ring looking, I wonder if they ever got a ring.. see I get thinking too much and then I start to get all churned up inside. Imagine if I really knew everything just how much more of a wreck would I be. And really, it is in the past and doesn’t matter in the big scheme of things.
My husband and I do not talk of the affair, I will not bring it up , i will wait for him when he is ready to stat talking. And you know, if he doesn’t I am okay with that. I would rather talk about what we as a couple need to do to improve us and our marriage rather than bring ow into it. Is that crazy and weird???
We have had no counselling of any kind, just plodding through this ourselves and I think we are doing okay/ My husband is back home after being away from the home for so many long months. He still needs to move 90% of his thngs back and I am sure he is going to do it slowly and I am okay with that. I would rather him be here because he wants it and not due to force.
I am a little stressed as our 1st D day is onthe 16th of this month. Not sure what I am scared of, but I am scared of that day. I don’t know why as it is just another day and it will be just like any other, but I am scared. Anyway, maybe it will pass and i will not even notice what the day is.. we’ll just wait and see.
it looks to me that the one thing we all thinks the same about is that you do not get the whole truth. He/she is always holding something back. I wanted to know everything and all the answers I asked was answered with one word, no, yes maybe, i don’t know. So I didn’t get anything out of talking about it. I’ve written him a letter to tell him how I feel and asked questions about it. All he answered was, I am sorry I hurt you. No answers to my questions again. I then told him that I am going to accept that all the answers to my questions were yes, then he asked which questions. I then knew he didn’t even read the letter. All I get is sorry, sorry and it was only friendship. It was yesterday 2 years since D-day. We have a much better relationship now , but there is still the nagging uncertainties and things I can’t trust, but we are getting there. He is trying to make amends, and I am trying not to distrust him so much but it is very difficult.
Wow…2 years its been for you and you still have questions & distrust….today is 5 months since my DDay … finding out about my H’s EA/PA…the 10th of each month is bad…I always had what I thought was a ‘gift’ of remembering dates of birthdays & anniversaries…now, that gift is a curse…I remember dates thru affiliations. Now I have the worst of the worst: lots of dates with bad affiliations. How do you get thru the horrible ‘anniversary’ days as they come around again & again? What do you do on these days to overcome the sadness? Thx for any help you can provide.
Details v. Actions.
I thought about this and thought about what it is that I want to talk about involving the affair.
Details are probably foggy after a year. Compartmentalized and filed away to avoid dealing with them.
But what about the patterns of how she treated me. Patterns of how she acted. And mostly the pattern of lies.
I don’t need to know each text about how he wanted to X or she felt Y. They are erased and deleted and dismissed as just stupid now. The text I read that day and what little interaction I did save is enough.
She knows what she did. She knows how she felt. She knows why she did it. She knows how she feels about it now. So if you can’t share that with your husband/wife why are you married?
Not sure about others, but I haven’t concentrated on the D-Day, the day he told me he had “f..d up”. I concentrate on 2 other days, one being the day he told me, “I am sorry, you never deserved this. You can say anything you like about her because its over, the friendship is done” and the second day, which was 5 days later, was the last time they spoke to one another on the phone. Its been 7 months today he told me he was sorry, it was an unprovoked apology. I look at this as a good day, its the day he made his choice. There EA lasted 2 months, I am grateful it was so short, my heart is deeply saddened for others who endured it longer. That said, I have decided to make the 1 yr D-Day and I am planning something fun, I am rewriting that day in history for myself, I hope to do something together memorable.
One other thing, not sure I shared this before but think its a great thing for all of us to think about. When everything went down last summer I had my sister to help support me. She told me this quote an elderly man at her post office had told her when someone asked him how he and his wife had made it so long in their relationship, it was their 60th anniversary. He said something along the lines,
“We were able to do it because neither of us ever fell out of love with one another at the same time”
I felt this was profound for me to hear. It made me decide to try and forgive him and work on us. He may not love me right now, but I do love him and I am willing to do some work. It’s been a hell of a journey these last 7 months. I have learned a lot about myself too.
Morrigan,
This is so true. If it wasn’t, none of us would be here. We would have parted ways and been done a long time ago.
Thanks.
My husband had a very hard time talking about his emotional affiar. It was months of me finding one other thing and then him answering only what I found. It took a blowup right before Christmas for him to finally share more, but still very little.
We started counseling just this past Monday and have had 2 very detailed and painful conversations. I know more, but the pain is also much worse.
He admitted she was his best friend and that he liked talking to her – this after months of saying she only called him and he was just being polite. The truth was a very painful slap in my face. When asked why he lied about it the answer was equally as painful as he knew I didn’t like this woman he worked with (I KNEW the type of woman she was) and so he didn’t want to hear me say negative things about her. He was protecting her from me.
We are still working through this thought to be honest this week has been one of the hardest I have had – didn’t wear my ring for most of it, but I don’t want to punish him for finally sharing what I wanted to know.
Two books I would heartily recommend for anyone in this situation –
Not Just Friends – this book is terrific and really helped validate me and have better tools and expecations to approach our discussions. It also highlights some great ways to identify when a break in a marital relationship has been intiatied. It uses a fitting analogy of walls and windows and how they can be built, opened, and brought down, as well as real case studies. There were times when I saw everything I went through, am going through, and expect to experience listed almost exactly on the pages.
How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom not to- Another excellent book. This one explores forgiveness by giving very practical solutions, tools, and examples of how to genuinely ask for forgiveness and what it takes to do that, as well as what it means to forgive. It is not a “I’m sorry for hurting you”, “that’s ok” “great, let’s not talk about it again” type of books. But one that really explores how to go about asking for forgiveness and the healing process of understanding that forgiveness is an effort and something that must be earned.
My husband refuses to admit that he has done anything wrong since it was just an EA and not a PA. He won’t even admit that it was an EA! He won’t answer my questions (because I’m trying to “bait” him); he won’t go to counseling (because he isn’t going to sit there and have someone tell him he did something wrong); he won’t acknowledge my pain (because I made more out of it than it really was and it’s my problem, not his). He won’t even admit that he lied, so he is lying about lying. When I think about it sometimes, I almost feel like I am going crazy.
My husband seems to want everything to just go back to the way it was without dealing with what happened and is irritated with me because I’m not “the same.” Honestly, if he actually had sex with her I feel like I could almost deal with that more easily than all of this denial and refusal to take responsibility for his actions and the damage it has done to me, our relationship, and our family. Just being around him is awkward. It’s hard to talk to him about anything, no less what happened. It’s been about 5 months for us, but less than 2 months since the last contact (that I know of). I’ve told him if he would just SAY that I was the one he wanted and that he was committed to our marriage, it would make me feel so much better. But he doesn’t feel he should have to say that (I should know that by his actions). He did say that he was with who he wanted to be with. But I realized that that doesn’t necessarily mean “me.” I guess he feels more in control if he withholds this emotional reassurance from me, but just seems baffled that I am “distant” from him. Someone wrote several weeks ago that he felt “unsafe” with his wife. I feel exactly the same way.
Diana,
It is natural to feel unsafe, when your spouse keeps secrets that affect you and your life together. There is so much shame and denial in affairs. If the cheater could just admit they were wrong, sorry, and accept the consequences, we could all heal so much faster.
I think we all realize that it is human to make mistakes. But for many, it is hard to admit that they have made mistakes. It is so much easier to blame others, than to work on fixing yourself.
me and my H had been going through a rough time before i even discovered the EA. we started counseling a week prior. on our 2nd session, i told him i had evidence of something happening. he denied it at first. after about 15 minutes, he confessed he didn’t tell me because i’d just get mad. his EA was just a “friend”. later that night, he opened up and told me a lot more. in our counseling session, i told him we couldn’t fix our marriage on lies, and the truth – about everything – needed to be said, even if it hurt the other person.
more things have been said and i am shocked. but, he has promised to be more open and to tell me how he feels about things, before they lead to miscommunication and “people” getting in the way of our marriage.
i think the key is for both people to not hold anything back. if i want to know details of the EA, i think its fair he tell me. if i need to do something more, like what he was “looking” for from the EA, then i need to try and step it up…..
My H just recently slept with someone else, he did tell me about it but won’t talk about the it. I feel like I need to know to move forward, to know what the signs are to keep it from happening again. he tells me its not my fault and that I’m perfect and that the F****** up and that I didn’t deserve that. That does not seem to help I want to know who she is, her name what she looks like, how did it start how did he go from being in a bar and calling me saying he loved to sleeping with someone else… I have found lies in what he had told me and it just keeps building the hurt. It feels like he is trying to store this to himself as something treasured just for him. He says that he thinks about all the damaged its done and that he needs to focus on the future and not the past. I just don’t know where to go from here when we are together we are incredibly happy, so how could this happen.My mom always had a saying “take care of your husband because if you don’t someone else WILL” for 10 years I have taken care of him… People ask how long we’vew been married and are surprised because of how affectionate we are so how did this happen? WHY did it happen? how can I stop it? am I not enough? this is why there should be open communication when you do come clean about cheating, it eats up the betrayed in so many ways, and if you cheated you SHOULD get over your own feelings and omfort the person who instead of KICKING YOUR ASS OUT is trying to move forward even if it means putting down your guard and letting it all out. If you want me to trust and Love you again then you need to start talking! how can I believe anything you say when you still have your secrets
This is less about you and more about a defect in your H character and his inability to set boundaries. It is more about his addiction to this other woman that it is about what you have or haven’t done. It is not logical, just like any addiction to any substance such as a drug or alcohol.
Your H’s drug is the feel good feeling he gets when he is fantasizing about or with the OW. He is on a fantasy high induced by chemicals in the brain that mother nature put there to get us humans together and procreate, and Hollywood’s romanticizing the in love feeling as being real love.
It hurts terribly being betrayed by the one you trust most. It is at least good that he is not blaming you, as most CS seem to do. Try to be understanding realizing that it is your H’s sick mind that you are dealing with.
Just be sure not to allow him to abuse you verbally or physically. Try to remain calm and understanding, even though none of what he is doing makes any sense. He is not thinking in his right mind presently when it comes to emotions.
Keep reading and writing. This is a good site to start as well as the many other sites on the web and books. You are not alone. We are all here to help you survive and work through this crisis in your life.
I am devastated. My cheating partner of 17 years lies about everything. When I confront him with evidence, he clams up, stares at the wall and disengages with me. It is like he refuses to take responsibility for his actions. But sends me mixed messages by bending over backwards for me one day and then the next acting resentful and forgetful if I ask him to do something. Out of the blue he ignores me and then talks to me with sarcasm. When I get upset and challenge this behavior, he backs down and is contrite. But then he starts playing mind games like hiding my medicine and pretending I’m going mad, wiping my usb drive and pretending its a virus on the pc. He won’t tell me if he is still seeing the girl, but wants to argue and fight with me over little things. It’s 9 months since d day. I’m trying to move forward but his behavior makes me angry, sad and I now feel stuck. I know this relationship is toxic and just seem to end up shouting at him. I don’t want to be that person but can’t converse with him any other way. Feeling so low.
Norrine Fay-
I am so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Have you been to counseling together or alone? It sounds as if you could really benefit from this kind of outlet for your own sanity and well being.
How did you discover your partners affair (EA or PA)? If its been 9 months and he’s still treating you with such disrespect, why do you stay?
I am planning my escape as I type. It’s taken a long time as I have a disability and was made redundant. Was scary trying to move out without a job and mobility problems. I have now found a job and sorting out leaving. Part of me also could not accept that he changed from a very loving and supportive person into a petty controlling and cruel individual. Part of me thought he would stop acting so crazy and own up and take responsibility for his actions. One day he is like his kind self then the next day or a few days later he switches into an obnoxious petty person. I admit to feeling confused. Just had a light bulb moment and I realise he has no respect for me at all. He says all the right things but acts like he hates me. It’s been hard. Before I found out about his Ea & pa we went to counselling a few times as he could not communicate his needs. It was hard for me to talk about our relationship as it would be a one sided conversation and he would end up agreeing with me then doing the opposite. He sabotaged the counselling sessions by saying it does not work for him and refusing to book more sessions. I’m in counselling now by myself. Just started but its bringing out all my anger and resentment which means I want to cuss him out all the time. Four years ago I found texts between him and this girl and it seemed there was an emotional bond although he lied and said they were just flirting and joking around. He sounded convincing but I never truly believed him and kept my eyes open. He would dismiss all my suspicions like I was paranoid. He was very convincing. I did doubt myself. It took me years to get hard evidence but I do feel stupid and very guliable. I was really ill over the last 4 years and was in and out of hospital so feel betrayed that when I thought he was supporting me unconditionally, he was having a torrid affair. He spent so much money on her and took her away on holidays and yet made me feel guilty about bills. I do feel duped.
Sorry for you Norinne Fay. It sounds like you are doing the right thing: taking care of yourself. You are the most important thing right now. Maybe he will realize what a mistake he made and maybe not. It’s up to you to take care of yourself and forget about his needs. If he comes around, be sure to set the boundaries. Know that all of us here support you in whatever decision you make!
Thank you so much for your wise words. I have often felt ashamed and not able to talk to friends or family for fear of being judged so this forum is a god send. Thank you all for your support. Don’t feel alone anymore
Well, I found out recently the whole story, but it was wo years ago that I suspected something. She had an affair for about 3 months. Two years ago while my wife was a little tipsy, she mentions that if I ever wanted to have a one time fling, that I should go for it and not tell her about it. This was a major change in her behavior on that topic, and I suspected something. I pressed then, but she only told me that there was a man interested in her and they danced while on a business trip. I guess when you love someone, you just want to believe your spouse, but it was always there below the surface. We have been so in love, that in the past I never ever was suspicious, it felt like my mariage was bullet-proof. Since that first insight,, I became much less trustfull, but never over -bearing. She at times stayed out late at night with co-workers while away from town, and I started putting my foot down. When she asked why I’ve become so un-truesting, I kept telling her rhat I am suspicious after her comment that somthing more went on then dancing on the dance floor. Over the months, when I pressed her on it, she would reveal a little something else, like, he kissed her. Then they actually made it to the elevator, then several months later they kissed outside the door, then several months later it was kissing and grouping inside her hotel room hallway. I finally asked something I hadn’t asked before: had she kept in contact with that person after that night, and she told me yes, and that he actually lived nearby. They just had “lunch”. That was it, I had had it with the lies and deceit, and told her that we need counciling. I found a web site that advocating “brutal honesty” and I showed her and told her we needed to commit to total honesty or our marriage is based on lies. That’s when she told me she had an affair for 3 months and spent some time with him on another business trip. I sort of didn’t want to know, but I asked all the details. She told me everything from the bath scene to the size of his you know what, It was devastating, but I’m 2 weeks in and were making headway, I don;t want to leave my wife over this but I do need to trust her again and we have committed to open, honest communication and transparency. I had my own admissions to make, internet porn and the like. The weird thing is that through this openness, we are forging a bond and mutual understanding we’ve never experienced before. I know we are early on in the recovery, but I really feel like we are wll on the road to recovery and actually are finding a new level of intimacy from all this.
My husband will still not discuss the affair. We have been separated for 4 months but talk everyday and see each other 3-4 times a week. I am in limbo and not making progress in either direction. I had something happen at work and I needed moral support this week. He resented me for it and shut down. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. He is making no effort to talk thru things or come home, but also no break off. This is killing me and I struggle to act like I am just fine when I die a little more each day. I have lost 40 lbs and am taking better care of myself, but is not making a real difference to me. I can’t believe how easy it is for him and how hard it is for me.
Disappointed,
Limbo is a terrible place to be…neither here nor there. Where did I read, “Indifference is the cruelest form of punishment that you can subject your spouse to.”
If he is still high on his “in love” drug, it will seem easy for him. In that state of mind, any needs of yours is a bother for him, because he has to give you attention in the real world, which takes his focus away from his wonderful high fantasy world. When he is so happy on his drug, he doesn’t care about anyone except about getting his fix. I have to say even the OW is secondary to how he thinks she makes him feel. It really is quite a high, and quite a fantasy.
It isn’t until he begins to see her as a real person with all the issues, and problems that she brings into the fantasy, that his fantasy world will begin to crumble, and he tries to face the reality of what he has done. But even then, he may not want to talk about the affair due to his shame.
As all experts say, focus on yourself, do things you like, and be around those who love and support you. Keep taking care of you and your kids, both mentally and physically. Treat yourself special. Work on being the best self you can be, and STOP FOCUSING ON HIM. Very hard to do when you see him on a pathway to self-destruction, and he thinks he has found the path way to all his happiness. Obviously, two very opposing views that neither of you can agree on at this time.
Don’t give up. He obsesses about the OW and you obsess about H and your relationship. Someone has to stop, and since you can’t control him, you need to control yourself.
After 3 years of this roller coaster, I still struggle with my obsessing about H and our relationship. It definitely comes and goes. By strongly focusing on pleasurable things to do or distraction, I can keep it from interfering with my life.
I have found brisk walking for about 30 minutes to 1 hour a day, does wonders for the mood. Any exercise that gets the heart rate up helps. Also yoga worked wonders to clear my head of the affair clutter. Find something that works for you. Maybe dancing, aerobics,…etc…
Oh, do one of those hobbies or projects that makes time disappear. You know, the kind of project, that you get lost in for hours, and wonder where all the time went. Those are both rewarding, and satisfying. I find gardening or cooking something fun, works well for me. And when you are done you will have accomplished something that you can be proud of.
These are the things that have helped me immensely over these last 3 years. It is kind of a waiting game…but what you don’t want to be doing is JUST wait…that is a huge waste of time. Make the time as productive as possible, and you will be proud of what you have accomplished through this crisis in your lives.
Jackie – sensible advice as always. I also find brisk walking, swimming, taking up a new exercise class (only this week) and thinking of the future and what I’d like to do, is the only way to stay sane.