Hello everyone!
I trust that everyone has noticed that we have made some changes to the site. After months of procrastination and hesitancy on my part, we finally took on the rather daunting task of updating the site theme to one that is more flexible and more technologically up to date, as well as more aesthetically pleasing to the eye (in our opinion). Hopefully you will find that the site is easier to read, faster loading and better organized.
With that being said, it’s been a little more than three days since we changed things and surprisingly, we have yet to get much feedback.
So, first and foremost, we want to get your opinions on what you think so far. And secondly, we want to get some ideas for additional upgrades, features, etc., that you would like to see and that would be beneficial for the blog readers.
Let me tell you at this point we are still working on a “higher healing” community area that was discussed in a past post and hope to introduce that here in the very near future.
We realize that not everyone is at the same place in their recovery from an affair and we cannot be all things to all people, but we do want to provide a safe place where people in all stages of recovery -whether a cheater, a betrayed, married or divorced – can come for beneficial information and discussion. The end result being increased knowledge, increased self-discovery, support and advice which can hopefully lead to recovery and healing.
Keep in mind that YOU are the most important element to this site’s success and Linda and I simply provide the platform (and about 500 posts) for you to ponder and interact.
Thanks again to all of your support and your contributions!
Now…tell us what you think and what you want!
Linda & Doug
83 replies to "Discussion – Feedback and Ideas"
Doug, I think that the new site is great. First I must thank you for this site. . The fact that we’ve all been through this nightmare has been very helpful.
My question today is to you. Why won’t the CS talk about the affair? Is it guilt? Do they really want to just move on? Do they think that we can really forget about what happened? My CS has said the most hurtful things to me and now is saying he was confused and he didn’t mean it. Yet, he will not sit down with me and explain that he didn’t mean those words and he wants to work things out. And you know us women, we don’t forget a thing!
Thanks Rachel, I do think that guilt plays a big part in why the CS won’t talk. I also think there is shame, embarrassment, not wanting to further hurt the BS, not wanting to divulge the truth and just plain avoidance. Let’s face it, this sucks. It’s painful for all parties involved and we as humans tend to want to avoid pain. We want to move on. We want to avoid confrontation and we want to avoid facing the fact that we as CS were untrustworthy, hurtful, insensitive, etc., etc., etc. I can’t remember your time line, but he may not be ready to talk yet due to being in the fog, etc. Hopefully he will soon realize that you need to talk about it in order to heal and to be able to work things out, and he will oblige. Yes indeed…women never seem to forget! 😉
It’s called being “Hystorical”….LOL!! We bring up the past over and over again! ;p
Ha! I haven’t heard that one before. I like it! So I guess Linda is quite the Hystorian!
Doug and Linda, As you are well aware I don’t post here much but I do read the blog every day. When I do post it is only because I have a strong opinion of what is being said… hi Rachel.
This new format is wonderful; it is much easier to read. It is understandable that you would want to reach out to everyone in all stages of pain but I would like to see more information for those of us who are in-between the initial discovery and those who have managed to overcome the past. Unfortunately there is a netherland in which most of us who have decided to make their marriage work come to and there isn’t much information for us.
As you well know there is the time where the initial shock has worn off and the very hard work begins. It is the make or break period of the marriage. We desperately need that kind of information.
Thank you for all your hard work. It proves that there is hope beyond the affair but only if there are two people willing to work on the marriage, which you two have.
Hi battleborn, Can you be a little bit more specific about some of the topics that you would like to see? I get the feeling that maybe you are looking for information about how to get the CS to put the work in that’s necessary for recovery. Am I on the right track?
I think I was trying to say the same thing E was referring to. A higher healing section. But if you are going to do that in a different forum, that is fine with me.
I am in the middle of my crisis and it is easy to see that some of us are and others not so much. Nothing wrong with that, we can all share information but for those of us who have switched gears and have moved on to other areas, there is no format for that.
I understand where you’re coming from. Until the higher healing program is ready to go, you might want to utilize the comment section more than you usually do. Believe it or not, but there’s over 2000 unique visits a day to this site so hopefully there’s someone out there that is in a similar situation and will reply to any comments or questions you might have. Take care and thanks for your feedback and contributions.
2000 unique visits a day? God, that’s depressing. We are certainly not alone, are we?
Battleborn, I honestly feel it’s a good sign that there aren’t too many comments from those further along. I think it means they are truly moving on with their lives, and that’s really the point isn’t it? Whether we stay together or drift apart, life goes on and we should all embrace that.
That being said, I do like to come back here once in a while as a sort of elder statesman to offer what advice I can. This area of life trauma could use some more success stories.
D., That is depressing isn’t it? We appreciate you popping in now and again as your comments are always so helpful. We certainly need more success stories.
I think the new format looks great and I navigated my way throughout the site very easily. I am very much looking forward to the higher healing section when it’s ready! Thank you both very much for what you do!
I have often thought that it might be nice if there were a Q&A section where we could post a question or comment related to our personal situations in order for other site visitors to give help and advice. In doing this, readers could choose which topics they are interested in and which topics they feel that they could offer help on. Perrhaps this would be the place where someone could go “off topic” as we all know how very valuable it is to get feedback and advice on our own issues, etc.
Thanks E. One of the components of the higher healing section will be a forum. Do you think that would provide the platform for Q&A that you seek?
Yes, I think that would be great. Looking forward to it.
The new site is very good and user friendly, thanks for updating it.
I would also appreciate a Q&A section.
Yes…..I like the “off topic” forum…..
I like the new look. It is user-friendly. And I would like to see an “off-topic forum.” Thanks Linda and Doug for doing this. We DO appreciate your hard work.
I REALLY like the new site, but in the “comments section”, I do miss not being able to see what category the new comment is from 🙁
Hey Lynne. Thanks for the feedback. If you hover your mouse over the comment, the post that was commented on will magically appear. I just found that out myself!
Thanks, Doug for this extra info! I’m really looking forward to the forum and higher healing. Great job as always.
Thanks Doug. The things you find out along the way, huh! The site does look really good, is easier to navigate, and is resource friendly. Thanks for all you do for us–you and Linda are a blessing.
Thanks Lynne, Yep. I wish I could say I knew it all along! That and everything else.
I love this new format! Thank you very much. As a BS that is approaching 16 months out, I am very much looking forward to the new higher healing section.
Doug – just wanted to say that I have mentioned you on my blog a few times now, to say that you are one of my heroes! The path that you’ve chosen and the work you’ve put into healing your marriage are such a testament to the possibilities.
Linda – all that you do – your strength in sharing your story, in fighting for your marriage, and working towards understanding on both sides – well, they are simply awe-inspiring. As a fellow teacher, I applaud the depth of your studies.
DJ, Thanks for the feedback and I appreciate your kind words (blushing). I’m sure Linda will give me some good-natured ribbing about that when she gets home. I’m working on the healing section as we speak and as soon as I can iron out issues with the forum we should be close to opening it up to members. Thanks for all of your contributions!
BTW…everyone here should take the time to read DJ’s blog at http://notoverit.wordpress.com/
That means a lot coming from you. Thank you!
Dj, thank you for the kind words, like everyone here I am searching to be a better person, have better relationships and heal from the pain of the past. I learn from everyone on this site, your comments give me insight and awareness and I truly appreciate everyone of you. Linda
I, too, really like the ‘new look’ and appreciate the amount of work and thought you two always put into it. I think your healing must also be in part to the way you invest in the lives of others and are willing to help us all in our own path to healing. Thank you from the depth of my heart!
I LOVE that the reply button in working!! 😀 And I did say to myself the first time I saw the new format..”Wow…I love it’!! Great job guys!! This blog is MY therapy and I’ve learned so much on here!
Today was a PERFECT example…My cell phone rang at exactly 8:58…the area code was from the same area where the OW leaves….I answered…and the person hung up.
My H was sitting next to me and I looked at him and he looked at me…I then googled the number and it came from her place of employment…so I called her back and it WAS the OW!!
After 13 mos, 1 week and 3 days…she tried calling my H!! When she answered I said “****? She said yes, I am told this is *****…You called and hung up…Why?
She then told me that someone had called my number from HER house…or CP….not sure what she meant…and she then asked if HER H had called me!
We went back and forth about whether her H HAD called to talk to me….and I never really answered her one way or the other…I figured after what she had done to me…let her wonder if we ARE in contact! Hope it ruined her day!!
She then told me that her and my H were “just friends” and that’s all…and proceeded to “chastise” me about not meeting his needs and that’s why he needed her!!
And you know what? Because of what I’ve read on here…I DID NOT go ballistic!!!
I very calmly laughed, and said “You know ***** this was NOT about YOU…You could have been ANYONE…wha my H wanted was someone to listen…and you happened to come along!! And I got that from HERE on the blog!! 😀
HA!! She didn’t like hearing THAT!! She told me I don’t know everything, to which once again I calmly told her “That yes, I do…and my H and I are doing much better…that this has brought us closer together”!
Anyway, more was said, but it’s irrelevant at this point! I felt strong today…empowered almost and it’s because of THIS blog!! The info here has helped me a lot…and the friends I’ve made…
Thank you Alone and Holding On…your texts and phone call today helped me soooo much! And Paula, your emails have too!!!
And Doug and Linda…a few months ago I probably would have fallen into a crying heap….but today, I was actually able to laugh at her…and her sad attempt to contact my H!!!
Now I need some advice…Do I NOW contact HER H to ask him to reign her in?? I told my H after she emailed us last July that if she contacts us again I WILL let him know about it!
I’m a nice person…but I COULD destroy her…I have access to her mother-in-law.’s address..her brother-in-laws and various other family members, including her oldest college age daughter!
But with that knowledge comes responsibility…if I DO contact him…It could be the end of their marriage, not that it would be MY fault since she’s the one who made contact AGAIN!!
So what do you all think? Advice please???
Leave it alone. You are doing better and this will only open up a can of worms. Forget her and be proud that you acted so maturely. Put a block on her number and forget it.
The OW called my land line at home, begging for my H’s cell phone number over a year after D-day; said she needed to talk to him and she was crying. I sat there and listened to her ramble on for a moment. I told her what she could do (not printable) and then said “Have a nice life.” I hung up. I, too, could contact her H and tell him about his wife but I see no point. She is out of our lives and I want her to stay that way. Contacting him will just stir up trouble.
IMO you should continue to take the high road. You will feel immeasurably empowered. Good Luck!
I agree, with these posts, replying does tend to play into the OPs hands, it is the attention they crave. Starve her of oxygen, and the drama she wants to receive, and keep your distance, and your dignity 🙂
WAY TO GO!!!!! I got so excited reading your comment!! I too have been struggling the past few days with contacting OW and/or her husband – or not. Because she is still trying to contact my H!! Tried again last week. This was probably attempt number four after NC for 4 months. I am furious about it but am trying to be rational. My H says no reaction is the best reaction and that if I contacted her that it would only give her satisfaction, etc. I believe that he is right. But I understand your desire to give them all the hell that they have given us.
E…. the OW contacted my H too…..twice. Once was in the car when I was there. So WE emailed her and we said (it was in August so I dont remember word for word) that my H had made a very bad mistake, that the only thing he was interested in was myself and his family and he would not tolerate any further attempts to contact him. He further stated that any and all contact would be shared with me. It said much more but perhaps if you put on a united front to her she will go away. The OW has not contacted him since and her further craziness I believe truely helped myhusband shut the door on the whole affair. He was so upset that she had further upset me and caused our recovery process to take a step backwards that he was furious with her and himself.
Broken,
I am glad to hear your husband was upset with himself,
however he was the one broke his marriage vows to you.
This other woman was not responsible to your marriage
vows, however your husband was. He should be furious
with himself, he did a awful thing to you.
Yes woman and men should know better then to get
themselves in someones elses marriage, but the
responabilty falls on the spouse to keep fidelity within
the marriage.
With him being furious with her , is pushing the blame on
her, He needs to own this himself, he had no business
for even getting involved in an affair.
Betrayed spouses need to stop blaming the other person,
and give the responsibility back to the spouse who crossed
the boundaries in the first place.
An affair is not possible without a cheating spouses
permission. The other person has no power within the
marriage unless the cheating spouse gives that to them.
Its the cheating spouses who open the door to trouble,
but to turn around and blame the other person, shows
he’s made no progress, or taken full ownership over
his actions.
Actually you are really wrong here…He has taken full responsibility for his actions…he has been amazing to me and has made some very real changes in his life and has sustained those changes for over 18 months. He admits his mistakes and owns them. There isn’t a day goes by that I don’t see him trying. Our marriage is not the same marriage it was 18 months ago and it never will be again….some of that is good some is sad.
He did cheat on me, he did allow another person in our life and he has done everything he can to make it right. He wasn’t blaming her for the affair he was blaming her for contacting him after 18 months after he made it clear then never to do so again. He was angry at himself for ever putiing us in this postion and that by her call our forward progress in recovery was hindered. That phone call set me WAY back. Yet in away I am glad it happened…it helped him to see what a crazy loon she is and what she will do to get to him.
So in his defense (and he does still do some dumb stuff) he is textbook on how to help your spouse get over your affair.
……and if you think the OW doesn’t have an power in the marriage you are wrong. The fact that she ever existed can turn me into an emotional mess at any given moment.
Broken,
I am sorry for you feeling upset,
However you need to take your power back, This other
woman has no power over you.
The issue here is trust, do you trust your husband?
If you believe he has changed and is doing everything to mend your marriage, if he is, you should not fear her,
even when she’s trying to make contact again?
Trusting is hard, if this is something you can overcome,
than that would be wonderful.
It hurts to be betrayed, but to trust again, is very hard.
Your husband now has a past history of cheating on you,
there are no guarntees. Sorry Wish there was,
only through time and him remaining faithful to you will
your pain lessen, along with slowly rebuilding your trust.
.
I have no fear of the OW…WE did what WE thought was best for us as we work as a team. My circumstances are not yours…clearly.
Trust will never be the same and I am sure as a BS spouse you can understand that.
I haven’t made the choice to walk away from my marriage and that is my power.
I have a very long history with my husband and just because I make different choices then you did does not make it wrong.
I have a feeling you are Marie with yet another name.
Broken,
Sorry your having anger. Hope you have a better day!
Betrayel does that sometimes.
Broken,
I want to rephase my commnet, my phone was ringing and
the comment is not what I wanted it to say, I am for sorry
for that.
I do not mean to upset you, I understand you love your
husband and want your marriage to work, I applaude
that.
Yes I chose to leave my marriage but it was after repeated
infidelity on his part. I couldn’t blame each woman that
he was with. This was his choice to cheat repeatly,on
me. I did lose all my trust in him, and respect also.
I got sick of being on the recieving end of his unfaithfulness.
I tried several times to work with him on our marriage, but
it was useless.
However, if your spouse has grown in this area then I
wish all my best to you, you deserve to be happy.
Also I have no idea who Marie is. But I can assure you
I am not her. My best to you always!
Apology accepted. I am not at all angry…but I feel like you are. Maybe not. Your circomstance is completely diferent then mine and while our feelings are shared in many ways…our lives are completly different. I have forgiven my husband…he is an amazing man who made a very big mistake. I will never know as no one else here will ever know that it won’t happen again. I have made a choice to believe it won’t. He isn’t the same person he was 18 months ago. I have waited for him to return to his old ways but instead he moves forward a little more everyday. Is he perfect every day …NO WAY. I am in no way responsible for what he did….despite what people think….BS are not at fault. I didn’t make the choice he made and I never would. He has caused me immeasurable pain…hell yes. Has it caused my self esteem to plummet to an all time low…hell yes but I am a survivor and I am doing what I need to do to make myself feel better. A few months ago I would have given my right hand to have my life back before the affair but I can honestly say right now…..I like me better now. I am strong, self confident and will never put up with my husbands old behavior again….he can hit the road if he behaves that way again. At this point I love him with all of my heart and I look forward to the rest of our days together. It pains me when I read the posts of people so new to the pain. All I can say there is hope and divorce doesn’t have to be the outcome. Good luck to you Anita as well.
Anita,
From the “for what it’s worth department”, Broken also accused me of being Marie last December. I didn’t respond to her at the time because I felt it wasn’t worth it, but now that you are also being accused without evidence I feel I have to say something.
FYI Marie has commented here under more than one name. She did not hide this fact. Apparently she believes (I have no evidence of this) that her ex-husband is a full-blown narcissist, and she very pointedly says so. She also says she has done extensive research on this subject. (I have no evidence of this either.) It isn’t my intention to call her a liar…I simply do not know her personally and cannot make a statement one way or the other.
IMO anyone on here who believes they actually know anyone else who posts comments on here needs to take a step back and regroup before jumping to a conclusion regarding total strangers and basically accusing them of being someone else without any evidence.
Broken, I think Anita has her heart in the right place, she just comes from a different set of circumstances than many of us here, in that her H was a serial cheater, and she made the correct decision for her, and left him, eventually, whereas you and I, and many others here, have a partner who has done this, just the once, and they are very, very sorry they did, and therefore our journey is so much more complicated, because we should be able to forgive and move on, but it isn’t quite that simple, is it? Therefore, she has a little more difficulty understanding our journey, as it is quite, quite different than if you just have “a bad egg!” Broken, I applaud the way you two have handled your OW, I agree, you have plenty of “power” – and your H has helped you with this, yay him! Our OW is also a bunny boiler, a nutter, and quite dangerous (last contact from her 2 years and 7 months after D-day, more than that since he ended the affair with her, that sure is one desperate woman!) Anita, whilst I appreciate your viewpoint, sometimes the posts are a little belittling to those of us trying to heal our fractured marriages, as our circumstances are quite different to your own, I wish you all the best in your healing from your past, as although you say you are healed, I just wonder why so many posts?
Broken and Paula,
I do agree are situtations are very different,
Paula, I reopened my can of worms to get an annulment within my church. Which was very healing to a
deeper level. After my divorce I did heal but not to the degree I have now. When I write on these posts it from a
post divorce point of view. I was that betrayed spouse
once and thought the same way you do.
I am in a different place emotionally than you are right now,
it does make a big difference, because I’m divorced
and your still married, However time has given me a very
different view on this.
However, my intention is not to upset you’s, only to show
a different view point. Wish you the Best always!
Broken and Paula,
I am going to take this risk and say something and if its
upsetting I apolgize in advance, we may differ on this
opinion but that’s ok. But I would like you hear your opinions.Its a learning process for all of us.
Ok here it goes,
In reguards to the other woman, I by no way condone
their behavior, its wrong and will it never ever be right.
With that said, I do not blame the other woman, or hold
her accountable for my exhusband having an affair with’
her/ them. Instead I held him fully accountable. He was married’
to me, and should have never broken his vows.
My trust in him was destroyed so I never trusted him
around a “pretty skirt” my ex was also nice looking and
had make you feel good charm to his personality.
However he wasn’t the nice faithful husband I need him
to be.
My question is do you blame the other woman, or just
your husband/s?
Paula,
I guess, based on your description, my H is a serial cheater and you’re probably right. But guess what, after the first affair I honestly thought it was “just the once”. He, too, was very, very sorry. I’m going to assume that Anita also thought it was “just the once” after her H’s first affair. I have never been under the impression that Anita continued to stay in her marriage knowing she had “a bad egg!” I know I sure didn’t think that way about my H.
I have no intention of getting into a competition over which of us betrayed spouses have the more complicated journey…truly, I don’t. Just like you I felt that I, too, should be able to forgive and move on after his first (and what I assumed at the time was his “only”) affair. Speaking just for myself I have NO difficulty understanding your journey. I’ve been there. Have you been in my shoes? It isn’t easier for us.
Thanks Blueskyabove,
Actually I am ok with a difference of opinions, I feel we all
can learn from this. I have very tough skin and can handle
alot. Also I take no offense on this site, because I make the’choice to come here, and if I can’t handle the heat
then I need to get out of the kitchen.
But thank you for your understanding, sometimes in life
we go through storms and they can be very painful,
however my storm had passed long ago and these ladies
are correct it is time for me to move on, because, I am
in a different place and my journey is over.
Blueskyabove,
I can honestly say, I am not Marie, nor am I familar with
who this Marie person is.
I have never posted under another name, I have no reason to. My posts are from my own experience, and I have no
problem sharing my journey from being a betrayed spouse
to now a divorced woman. I post for my own learning, and
understand there will be a difference of opinions, and
thats ok. I also understand, everyone here is at a
different level in their healing process. I have been there.
However it is time for me to move on, and I do wish
all the people on this site the best!
Also I have never taken offense to anyone’s postings,
I realize sometimes when were in pain, we strike out
at others because we hurt.
Broken, it is just so very hard to know what to do … It was an attempt at contact by OW. A note left for him, letting him know where she would be and basically that she was available. My H did not respond at all and I do agree that is best. But I so very much would like to let her know that I am fully aware of it. I’m sure that she thinks that my H is keeping me in the dark. Still n
Not sure what to do …
Everything you have described is great, but it has already been done. We have an OW who truly believes that during the entire affair that my H was only lying to me, that the whole time he was being completely truthful with her. I know that is not the case. So even though he has told her to never contact him again she is not giving up. To her credit, he did go back to her, several times. So I’m sure that she thinks she can get to him again. I really am fighting the urge to contact her and/or her husband. But I also believe in the “no reaction” approach … Struggling.
E,
You also have a choice here to stay or to leave.
By staying, you need to take a long hard look, and understand your husband now has a history of cheating
on you. By making that choice to stay, your also taking
the risk that this could happen again.
Its a waste of your time to contact this other person and/or
her husband. She’s not the problem.
Your dealing with trust issues within your marriage now,
and also the huge betrayel from your husband.
Your husband is a big boy, and if you need to chase other
woman away from him, because you don’t trust him,
thats sad.
However this is your choice to stay! Lets hope he is
a changed man. Wish you the best!
I feel so dumb & Not over it-
Geez, what is wrong with these OW? Nutcases, I’d say! I agree that its better to take the high road and not give these “crazies” the time of day. BRAVO!
Ifeelsodumb,
As tempting as it is to want to contact those other people about her, I wouldn’t.
The least amount of time or energy spent on the other woman is best. Ignoring is the best,as hard as that is.
It was your husband that brought these wounds to you, this
other woman would have never existed in the first place if
it wasn’t for your husband opening that door.
She was stupid to involve herself with a married man, but
it was your husband job to remain faithful to you. Its not
about her, but instead its about your husband choice to
cheat,
This other woman daughter should never be brought in on
this, it was your husband who allowed himself to get
involved with another woman, her daughter is a innocent
person, to your husband’s wrong choice.
This all falls on your husband’s shoulders and no one else’s. His wedding vows were to you. This other woman
became part of the nightmare when your husband broke is
vows to you.
I am sorry I know that is hard to hear, but this mess falls
on his bad choices.
I wish you the best, hang in there!
Ifeelsodumb,
I think the hardest part of the battle is to be able to trust your
husband again, no matter if the other woman makes contact or not. She can try all she wants, but it is your husband who has to make to choice to remain faithful to you. He has to be able to turn away from other woman,at
all times. There will always be some woman who will engage in an affair with a married man, but it is the
married man’s responsibility to not engage in that behavior,
but instead remain faithful to his wife.
As long as you trust your husband, then all her attempts to
contact him shoudn’t worry you, if your husband is serious
about your marriage. As a former betrayed spouse I know
the challenge of being able to do that. Hopfully your husband as changed, and can prove to you that he is done
with other woman forever.
As horrible as it is that she trys to make contact, it will also
reveal to you the truth about your husband, and his true
actions. Actions speak louder than words, hopefully
he will show his loyalty to you.
It better to find out now, instead of later.
I wish you the best!
Ifeelsodumb,
Her family members, even though they may try to get
her to let go, it still becomes her choice to wheather she
will listen to them or not.
Also with your husband. you can try to work with him on your
marriage but in the end it still becomes his choice as to
wheather he will remain faithful to you.
However at some point you need to make peace with this
for your own well being. Your life is also important and
shouldn’t be based around your husband’s infidelity.
Your life should be based around being able to live
without the fear of your husband cheating on you, your
entitled to live your own dreams and goals also. Hopefully
your marriage can get to that point where you can relax
and enjoy your life. Whats so sad about an affair is that
the betrayed spouse has a part of their own life stolen from
them, and the focus becomes about the cheating spouse,
and their affair partner.
However your life is also important and you need to focus
back on what makes you happy, instead of it being based
around infidelity.
Again my best to you!
Ifeelsodumb,
At some point you need to bring your life back into balance
again, without the fear of your husband cheaing on you.
Your entitled to have a marriage with a faithful husband,
and if he can’t give you that kind of security, than you need to ask yourself if you can live like this.
Contacting her family members won’t bring this kind of
security, you need this from your husband.
Being angry with the other woman won’t being that security
either.
Its all about your husband and is he strong enough to
resist temptation.
Thanks everyone for the advice…I’ve thought about it…and talked to a few friends from the blog here…and I’m going to let sleeping dogs lie…as she IS a dog, LOL!!! I have peace about everything, my H and I are in a MUCH better place than she is with her own H….obviously!! So yea, I did great today, and I’m not going to let her interfere with MY healing! 😀
I find the Reply to Comment thing difficult to follow. When I log in I really just want to read the new posts – and not have to go back through a whole topic to find recent entries. Also, I forget which topics I posted on, so when I’m looking to see what else has been posted on the topic I end up going all through them again. Am I missing something here? Thanks.
InTrouble, I’m not sure what you mean by having to “go back through a whole topic to find recent entries.” When you say that you want to read the new posts, are you really referring to the new comments by readers? If you want to follow the topics you posted on then the best thing to do is subscribe to that comment thread. You do that by checking the box next to “Notify me of followup comments by email.” There is also a “Comments” tab to the right of the page where you can follow recent comments and if you hover over the comment snippet with your mouse, the post that the comment belongs to will pop up. I hope that helps!
I feelsodumb,
You are making a wise choice to leave the other woman
behind.
I know you still in the healing process, and I remember what it was like. Its very painful and disapointing when
your husband had an affair with another woman.
The other woman made a stupid choice.
But your husband was married to you, and he’s the one who exceeded the boundaries of your marriage. Its good
your marriage is in a better place.
However, your husband still has two women fighting over him, I am sure this last phone episode has reminded
him of that, and I am sure his ego isn’t hurting at this point.
Ifeelsodumb in the future if this woman makes contact, hang up. It may be wise to change or block your numbers.
I know your husand had no control over her tryng to contact
him, however everytime any kind of interaction happens
its brings the past back. As you read these other posts
on the cheating spouse, they have an internal battle, of
getting over their affair partner. Your husbands affair
partner isn’t giving up so easily, and she smart enough
to know how to keep herself in his thoughts. Thats
why no reaction to her attempts is best.
Besides its time for you to enjoy your life again!
Ifeelsodumb,
I hope he never does this again to you, an can appreciate all your efforts in repairing your marriage, and he better feel fortunate to have a wife like you to give him a second
chance. He best understand that you could have booted
him out, and gone on with a whole new life. Wishing
you happiness and joy.
I wanted to let you all know that I added a print button to the site that allows you to print a post much easier. You can even print it in PDF format. Pretty cool!
GREAT!! I’ve copied and pasted for he last time!! 😀
Doug and Linda. Love the new format and it is very easy to navigate. Looking forward to the higher healing section as that is where I am at now, thanks to this site.
Can I please be removed from the email list while I am out of the country? Receiveing emails is expensive — but I love hearing everybody’s thought and will sign back up when I return!
Hi Cheated upon, I did a search for your email address in our system and it returned no matches. Could you have signed up under a different email address? If so, shoot me an email at help(at)emotionalaffair.org Also, you can always unsubscribe by scrolling down towards the bottom of the email and clicking the link. Thanks!
E,
You said ” to her credit he did go back to her SEVERAL
times.
E, why do you even want him???
He now has history of cheating on you, if you stay understand this could happen again, also if you need
to chase another woman away from him, its because you
don’ trust him.
Again why do you even want him???
Anita, I admire your strength. Not because I don’t have any (Although it took me a very long time!) but because you did what you had to do when you knew it had to be done. I did that as well, after the last Dday. I drew my “line in the sand” and it is still there and my H is well aware of that. I made it very clear that I was done fighting for him that it was up to him now. To answer your question, I want him because I believe he is human and made a huge mistake that he freely admits was a mistake, because he was vulnerable and she pursued him, because I love him and believe in him, because I believe in our marriage, because in some strange way, it has been a little like a sickness for him (sickness and in health) and yes I do believe that he still struggles from time to time. I know, he didn’t honor his vows but each of us BS’s have to do what we feel is right by our own compass and this is where I am right now. You are SO COMPLETELY RIGHT ON – about the BS’s should not have to chase the OP away!! Thank you those words are so true and hit home for me. I am not going to do it, not going to even try, I know that it would be absolutely meaningless and it is his job to take care of it. I guess I have to fight my own “BS Rage” from time to time. Doug, did I just coin a new phrase? 🙂
E., Perhaps you did coin a new phrase!
E,
Love your new phrase.
My best to you always.
As you can see I have been in your shoes, it was a long
hard journey, however I would still go through it again
to have the birth of all my children.
My children are my reward!
Take Care!
Betrayed Spouses,
I have been in your shoes, and have felt pains of betrayel,
along with broken trust.
I however knew that even though the other woman was
wrong for her partipation in affair, it was not her responibility to keep my exhusband faithful to me.
Yes she should have told him to get lost, but she
didnt.
It was my exhusband responsibility to keep fidelity within
our marriage. This was a major problem he had, and
in return it caused the demise of our marriage.
Yes I forgave him and moved on with my own life.
It was a long journey to understand why he made those
choices, and why he didn’t value me or our marriage.
I had to deal with so many lies and deciet, and his
broken promises. However I did get to the bottom of
why he made those choices, the answer was pretty simple,
however in our marriage, I was blinded by my love for
him, and couldn’t see the real person I had married.
However by his repeated infidelity and lies, it began
to strip away the blinders I had on. He wasn’t ready
for marriage or a lifetime of fidelity. He didn’t even
know what he wanted. To try and build a marriage
around that is pretty much impossible, unless of
course I allowed him to cheat and play his maid.
That was not the kind of marriage I wanted for myself,
and I began to challenge him to come to a higher level, but as they say you can not change another
person, that has to come from within them.
I also had to choice to stay or leave,
It was hard making that choice because we had a family,
however my children were older thankfully.
But i did make the choice to leave after telling him to
straighten up or get out, he then wanted to divorce, and one
day after a big disagreement he told me on the phone,
he was headed home with divorce papers, I told him
“to bring them on.”
I know at that point and time I could have diffused that
situation and told him lets try one more time, but I
didn’t, I had reached my point of no return.
My trust for him was gone, I had lost my respect for him.
I finished my part of my annulment, and I could clearly
understand we should have taken the time to get to
know each other better before getting married, however
being young and infatuated, I didn’t have the maturity
to make a good choice of a marriage partner.
Best to all the betrayed spouses here!
Betrayed Spouses,
I stood also mention during our courtship a pregnancy
brought a premature marriage. Had our courtship been
allowed to play itself out, I would have known him better.
So yes, I had to take responsiblity for my bad immature
choices back then.
However, my children who are wonderful were born
to us within that marriage.
But they are adults now, and I know I couldn’t have stayed in that type of marriage.
Betrayed Spouses,
I forgave my ex husband.
To hold on to that type of anger and unforgiveness, would only hurt me the most.
Its like acid, and to hold on to that kind of acid would only
destroy me.
Instead we both forgave each other and realized we were
young and immatue when we married. I know I did my
best when we were married and now I can finally put this
all to rest.
Betrayed Spouses, as you can see this was a long
journey that began so many years ago, but it now it has
its final end.
I know many of you are fighting to save your own marriages, and only you know whats best for you.
To each your own. Best Wishes!
Anita,
I find a lot of what you say very helpful! I’m glad you have been able to put this behind you!
Ifeelsodumb,
Thank you,
Its a chapter in my life that I can close now, with peace.
When I first divorced I felt to raw to go through the
process of annulment, I felt my writing about my marriage
would have been to one sided. Later, I felt more healed,
however I was sick of talking about my divorce, and
procrastinated on getting it started. However, this past
fall, I stumbled on to this site, and I knew I was ready
to proceed forward with the process of getting my
marriage annuled. Also coming here to this site as allowed me to vent and learn also.
However, my past is over and I am happy I took the
time out to take care of this. But it is time to get back
to the things I put on the back burner to get this done,
spring cleaning is one of them, Yuck! However, once
I get started I don’t mind it so bad.
Take care and my very best to you and your husband.
Anita. I am with broken on this one. There is a difference between the man who made a mistake and had an affair and between the man who has made it a career out of cheating. We are dealing with different struggles than you have. Your advise is from your experiences and can be counterproductive to some of us who are in a different situation. I am sure your journey was not easy however you may have difficulty related to some of our stories because your experiences were different. I wish you the best and hope you can understand that sometimes your advise does not apply to us all.
Still Struggling,
I do wish you and your husband the best.
Also you are right each marriage and situtation, is not
a one size fits all. Each as their own journey to work
through.
I wouldn’t say my ex made a career out of infidelity, however
it did happen more than once.
When I made my choice to leave my marriage, it was after
long consideration, and a refusal on his part to end his
affair.
I was in a place within myself, that I knew that kind of
treatment was something I didn’t have to put up with,
also my children were older and our oldest daughter
felt I should leave her dad also.
I still felt all the pain each one of you have, however I
made the choice to leave the marriage so that pain
would end, and it did after a couple of years.
However, I chose to go through the process of having
my marriage annuled within my church, I am currently
waiting for the outcome of the results on that.
I made that choice so I could have the opportunity
to remarry again within my church, as that is
important to me.
Still Struggling,
I know your pain and the journey you are in, and it is
very possible for you and your husband to have a
very happy marriage. I do wish that for you.
Doug. Maybe there could be different sections for people who needed to end the marriage and people who are trying to mend the marriage.
Still Struggling, That’s a great idea, but I don’t really know how to best implement it on a blog such as this. I can tell you that in our higher healing program that we will be opening up soon, there will be a forum for those who need to heal – but have separated or divorced – to support each other.
This may be too involved, but it would be nice to see some sort of biographies of those who are here. Kind of like what you did with “How it all started.”
In 500 words or less, what are the pertinent details? It’s nice to understand (and find) similar situations, i.e. married 20 years vs. dating 16 months, children vs. no children, professional vs. stay at home, etc.
Also, if even possible, a way to link other comments one person has made. There is some wise counseling going on at this site and sometimes I wonder what else a person has to say but there is no way I can wade through (or remember) two and a half years worth of content.
I think you folks deserve a Webby and, damn it, consider yourselves nominated for 2013!
D., Thanks for the feedback. In the old theme I had tried to use some plugins to help with searching for comments by commentor name, etc, but I could never get it to work. Perhaps with this new theme I will have some success. I’ll look into it. I actually have a page saved to draft that was called “Share Your Story” which was meant to entail much of what you mention. Maybe it’s time to break it out. Is there such thing as a Webby? lol!
I think a “bio” section would be great!
Doug,
Based on several posts along with my experience, I think it would be good to talk about how to end an emotional affair, why the cheater should end an emotional affair. When the cheater says I didn’t do anything wrong. No sex, no affair. My OW friend is innocent. I am doing the right thing by protecting her from my jealous wife. What can be said and done to make the cheaters see the light?
My Husband says shunning a innocent friend (OW) is against his principles. How should the cheater think about this in relation to their principles? Flawed principles? Principle of hurting his wife and kids?
I suggest another subject on this board around how to think about ending an emotional affiar. If a cheater thinks shunning a friend is against their principles or values, how should they internalize all this to they can choose whether they should end the emotional affiar. An some thoughts on how to end an affair would be great discussion, as how do you cut of a relationship at work?
Another subject can be how to avoid emotional affairs from happening. I think as a society, we are cultured to think physical affairs is considered adultery and not acceptable. These days, there are a lot more emotional affairs which damage families and marriage. Awareness and education are critical.
Thanks for having this forum, but I think it can be even improved to help more people.
Jewl, Thanks for your suggestions. Many of them are very good topics indeed and we can certainly write some additional articles along those lines. Many of these issues I believe we’ve written about in the past. Although with almost 500 posts it’s hard for me to remember them all. Thanks for your contributions!