Hello Everyone!
Regardless of whether you are the wayward or the hurt spouse, after the affair you are probably fearful for what the future may hold in many ways.
Consider the following description of fear:
Fear is an emotional & physiological reaction we feel based on imagining events which have not even happened.
And this…
… fear is not who we are, it’s an emotional state we put ourselves in because of our own thoughts.
Neale Donald Walsch, speaker, spiritual seeker, and bestselling author of the “Conversations With God” series says that “The biggest problem on the planet is fear.” He says this is so because fear affects everything we experience.
Fear is perhaps one of the most prevalent emotions that have affected you since the affair…
- Fear of what the future might hold.
- Fear that your partner might leave you for the other person.
- Fear that your family will be broken apart.
- Fear that your relationship will never be the same.
- Fear that your spouse may never heal from the pain you caused.
- Fear that you or your spouse may have another affair.
The list goes on and on.
We present this same topic for discussion periodically as our readers and their situations/feelings change over time, so we thought it was a good time to revisit it.
Therefore, we wanted to get a feel for what you are most afraid of right now.
Here are a few questions to consider…
What are your biggest fears after the affair for your family and/or your marriage?
Do you feel that your fears are logical and justifiable?
How are you and your partner addressing these fears?
Have your fears about your marriage after infidelity subsided as you travel further down the path of recovery and healing, or are they still there just as strong as ever?
What has happened (or needs to happen) for those fears to go away?
Here are a few quotes on fear that may inspire you…
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
Frank Herbert
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
William Allen White
Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.
Japanese Proverb
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.
Marcus Aurelius
Please share your thoughts for this discussion in the comment section below and be sure to respond to one another.
Thank you very much!
Linda & Doug
LINESPACE
13 replies to "Discussion – What Are Your Fears After the Affair?"
Fears after infidelity— there were many. Most of what you have already stated above.
Fears now after infidelity— Although, I wouldn’t call it a “fear” it is a thought from time to time that my husband might have another EA.
It doesn’t pop up to often in my head, but it does show up every now and then, not because my husband gives me any cause. I guess when you have been burned once, you will always be on the lookout for another fire but not obsessed.
It’s up to me to manage my thoughts and emotions, while we continue to love and show support in this marriage.
I love this quote:
I am not afraid of tomorrow,
For I have seen yesterday
And I love today
Thanks for getting things started Patsy! Great quote, BTW.
I fear that my husband will never feel what he felt for me again.
I fear that I will never feel safe.
I fear that the man I long for will never return.
It has been five months since I discovered his EA and 7 months since this nightmare started. My husband and I had a wonderful marriage full of love, affection and real trust. Now I have a marriage that is awkward, full of doubts and the trust is gone. He said aweful things to me before my discovery. Things like: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore”, “It is in my best interest to make this marriage work” (due to his income and retirement investments), “your hugs are just hugs”, “I will never put you before my work”, and the list goes on and on.
Now he says that he stayed because he loves me and our children, but I just don’t feel nor see the man I married. He lies… If I didn’t put everything together myself, I would be still believing his lies. He even lies about things that I have hard evidence that proves he lied. It is absolutly exhausting.
I fear that I will continue to feel this horrific pain, and that the pain will paralyze me from moving on with my life with or without him.
It kills me that I put up with this crap!! What happened to me? We all deserve so much better, but yet we stay.
This is where I am currently stuck…three DDAYs later, I’m doing fine, moving on, letting go, happy and healthy…my CS is working on his on boundary issues with his therapist, has shown some slow progress, but FEAR is what is holding me back from completely starting to accept if this is our new marriage. FEAR is all consuming as it more consuming than the DDAYs, the why, the emotions as FEAR encompasses the entire kit and kaboodle of an EA. FEAR paralyzed me then and keeps me from allowing his small changes as a road of growth. I FEAR he will not make new habits become permanent and will revert to his old ways. FEAR is not my friend. I am a different person who didn’t have FEAR in her life. I will accept what happens each day and am prepared to handle it, even if I don’t like it. But as Doug and Linda always say, it is not my fault. Those who make mistakes, are responsible for their consequences. My lines are drawn and since FEAR is now is my life, I will not accept crossing the line.ever.again!!!!
In pain, as you read about cheaters, you wil come to learn that they dont say or do many original things. The motto most thrown around by Cheaters is the “love you but not in love with you”one. They appear to all say that. My guess is it should be interpreted as “I like being married and enjoy the benefits here, but if I can make you think I dont I can pursue someone else for sex.” The old “hope/doubt”combo that is so effective for ensuring loyalty from you. Now someone who is actually leaving or throwing you out will say “I do NOT love you” not that other mamby pamby crap. Thats what I told my husband when I threw him out. I meant it too.
Great comment Giz! I love it. How about “yes I love having my cake and eating it too”. You are so right those I love you but, are almost cliche.
I fear to never be able to fully re-gain the kind of trust and friendship my H and I once had. I do not fear that he will leave me, for I feel in my heart that his commitment to marriage and relationship with me has returned after the EA. But my H has deep layers caused my many childhood events. He deals with it by suppressing it! His therapist fired him, because he could not bring himself to talk about what was wrong and opened room for an affair. He simply said, nothing was wrong but only himself. He never blamed me. To the contrary, he told me in numerous occasions before I found out about the EA that he was going through something and had nothing to do with me. Now, the EA has added to the layers of issues he is suppressing. My fear is that he hurts inside and is too ashamed to let me in!
I made my H leave last week because he just was doing nothing to heal himself or our marriage. We had lunch today and I told him he could come back to live with us if and only if he got help. I believe my marriage is probably over but he is in so much inner pain from the EA and having to face his children and apologize to them and just all this crap that he has carried around for so long. I don’t know if he will take me up on the offer but I just knew in my heart that I couldn’t leave him fending for himself in that state. I promised him he would have time to simply work on him and not the marriage and in 6 months we could evaluate where he was and if he wants to stay married or not. I was truly afraid to leave him alone. I would love to believe that when he works out his inner demons that he will suddenly realize that I am the love of his life and that he couldn’t live without me but the truth of the matter is, I don’t believe that. I believe once he is healed enough he will decide he needs to be on his own to find his own happiness. That’s fine because I made the decision that my life is going to be happy with or without him. I am finding my joy daily in all the little things that i overlooked before. I never wanted to believe that I could be happy alone but I think I could. Anyway, its his decision to make now. I held out my hand its up to him to take it.
SSM, For what it’s worth, I think you did the right thing given the circumstances. Now, if he has any sense at all, he will take you up on your offer and get the help he needs and hopefully decide to work on your marriage with 100% effort.
Thanks Doug. He may not be ready to get help but he sure does need it.
Like many others, I fear that I will never feel safe and secure in this relationship again. I will always be waiting for the “next time” Statistics suggest there will likely be a next time.
I fear that I will never be rid of the triggers and sad memories. Just today I was searching my email for something (completely unrelated) and came across an email with a photo that my mother in law sent me in April of this year. It was a picture of me and my husband and our new baby.When I received it back in April, I forwarded it to my husband and said “you look so unhappy :-(” Little did I know, he was in the middle of his emotional affair and had consulted a divorce attorney that day. He was unhappy.
I fear that I have lost my best friend forever. I fear that I will never feel “special” to him again.
I am in the midst of the same kind of emotional turmoil. I found out about the,affair which lasted three years only when my h 18 mths ago called me on the phone to reveal that he had been having an affair and wanted a divorce to spend time with her. He is back with me only because she didn’t want to divorce her h until two years later.he says he realizes now that he loves me but I can’t believe him. The Fear that if I accept his words he will go back to her in 6 months time is so overwhelming that it is driving me deep into depression. I don’t know what to do. I had actually gone for marriage counselling in the midst of his affair not knowing he was f.g her but he actually boasted to her about my desperation and had sex with her that day. Fear is now my constant companion
Elaine, I totally understand your feelings and fear. I’m on the same boat. My H had an affair with a co-worker about a year ago. They are in different offices in different countries, but contact each other daily via online app. He now wants to file paperwork to be with her, regardless of two young kids. I feel living in the hell since I found out about four months ago. At least your H is coming back, I don’t see that coming on my side. I’m so frustrated and depressed. I really don’t want my kids to be hurt. Borrow your words, “Fear and sadness are now my constant companions”.