Way back in the beginning of this whole nightmare, Doug said those dreaded words: “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” I think we can all agree that phrase is nothing but baloney.
I recently picked up a copy of the book I Love You, but I’m Not IN Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship by Andrew G. Marshall to review, and one of the things he said was that when your spouse tells you that, you need to get ANGRY.
I know that when I heard those painful words, I did not get angry. I got emotional and then I got scared. I wound up trying to figure out what I did wrong and how I could change things for the better. Wrong! I should have called Doug on the carpet for that and got angry.
I acted similarly when I found out about his emotional affair. Again, I should have got angry.
Our discussion this week is going to center around expressing your anger and the effects that it has played in your affair recovery.
You may or may not have gotten angry when/if you heard the dreaded “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” and you may or may not have gotten very angry when you found out about the affair (or at some later time).
Obviously, feeling anger about your spouse’s affair is natural and many people express it immediately after discovering the infidelity. Some manage to eventually let it go to an extent, while others hold onto it. Yet others manage to suppress it and bottle it up to where it can become an issue both physically and emotionally.
So…
How did you initially express (or not express) your anger after discovering the affair?
How did this anger affect you physically and emotionally?
How long did this anger remain with you – or does it still remain?
What role has anger played during your efforts to recover and heal from the affair?
You might also want to read this post on anger, as well as explore the additional articles that are listed in the box underneath it.
As always, please respond to each other in the comment section.
Thank you so much!
Linda & Doug
[wlsp_signup]LINESPACE
79 replies to "Discussion – Expressing Your Anger"
How did you initially express (or not express) your anger after discovering the affair?
I don’t remember honestly, it was such a blur. I was screaming, yelling, crying, etc.
How did this anger affect you physically and emotionally? I’m not certain I can separate the anger from the rest of the emotions regarding the toll the entire thing has taken. Overall, it’s been very bad. I’m still nervous, on edge, aggitated, etc.
How long did this anger remain with you – or does it still remain? Still very much angry, but not like before.
What role has anger played during your efforts to recover and heal from the affair?
My spouse didn’t like the fact that he was basically at my mercy. I would fly off the handle without warning and verbally attack him. It caused a lot of problems. That said, oh well. He claims he thought I would find out and we would separate. When I did find out and threw him out he realized that wasn’t what he wanted. Well, as they say, you can’t un**ck that donkey. He may have wanted to stay, but the damage he did to me and the relationship is not going anywhere. He got to stay in the mangled mess he made of our marriage.
I’m curious – why does the book say a person should get angry? I’ve read and been told that anger is really a mask emotion, meaning it’s hiding another emotion. For example, if you are attacked physically, you may become angry but that is hiding the fear you have because of the attack. After infidelity, you may get angry but that is hiding your embarrassment/hurt/fear/etc.
Anger, as they say, is used to protect us from exposing things we don’t want exposed.
LOTF
OK that donkey comment made me laugh out loud. Still laughing!!! The office is looking at me including my H. You made my day 🙂 Can I please use it and claim it as my own???
Hi LOAF. I’ll be writing more on this in a later post but also wanted to answer your question. To quote the author directly… (after hearing “I love you but…”) “After a brief burst of fury, many people who have been dumped on either get weepy or become too nice and too forgiving, and many try to minimize the news. Although shock and denial are natural responses to a catastrophe – and that’s no no understatement for something that puts relationships, families, and homes at risk – these reactions stop a couple from really addressing the problem. In contrast, anger will bring issues, concerns, and desires to the surface. It also shows your partner that you care, take the problems seriously, and wish to really work on the relationship.
Basically, the author thinks that without anger the gut instinct is to allow oneself to sort of dismiss the issue and just say “OK, things will be all right. I’ll just try harder.” Which as the author states is “…just the sort of nice but passionless response that drained all the love out of the relationship in the first place.”
Oh my! If I even started to tell the story of my anger I would never stop typing. Suffice it to say YES I showed my anger. Not only was I told that line, but after he came home and we were working on our recovery he told me he wasn’t sexually attracted to me. I went nuts. How dare he say this when I was working on forgiving him. How dare he hurt me to the core. There was a lot of yelling, screaming and hitting on my part. I wanted to beat the hell out of him. I called him every name in the book. I told him what a low life selfish pig his was. I made clear that I understood that she built his worthless ego and how pathetic it was since the source of that ego supply didn’t set the bar very high in hero worship.
When DDay happened I got physical when he wouldn’t tell me how long the affair had been going on. I wanted to break a valuable Chinese plate over his head!! I didn’t do it because my father had given it to me and I really loved it. I did sock him in the face and cracked his lip open. To this day I am NOT sorry I did it! I can’t find any remorse in it. I do not regret it. I do keep some anger in because well I just can’t show my anger everyday and trust me 18 months later I still have a lot of anger! I am most angry that financially he gave so much to this woman when his own children needed his help financially. Just writing about it make me angry all over ! He’s lucky I didn’t do more damage. I think I really exemplify the saying “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”.
All that being said he is still with me. He could leave, I have offered the door to him every time we have a disagreement and I show my anger at his behavior.. I have enough problems without holding in my anger. I haven’t gotten physical again and I don’t want to but he knows I am capable of it. I’m not a large woman and he is a large man I couldn’t hurt him with my “girl slaps”! Just keep that large Chines plate away from me if he ever does this again!!!
Yikes, my anger after he declared his love to that thing.
I am still so hurt and unfortunately his words play in my head constantly. I yelled and screamed and begged for answers and he wouldn’t .
He was truly in the affair fog. I couldn’t understand it, I never heard of it before. The back of my neck hurt with terrible pain.
My heart hurt I was in so much pain.what made me even mader is that he was enjoying it. He never cried he just went on and on how wonderful she is. He even said in the future when people see them together they will say they don’t go together. He and his ex-wife did. Huh doesn’t say too much about her looks. It’s all bout being emotional connection to her. Something he said he never had with me???
I wonder when she is going to divorce her husband like she said she was? Because she hasn’t yet!! Haha
My H never said the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” crap. He was more evasive. He just stopped wearing his wedding ring and only talked to me when it was absolutely necessary. So by the time he admitted what I already knew to some degree in my gut, I was a volcano ready to blow!
I went ballistic the day after D-day and didn’t cool off for about 4 mos. I destroyed, shredded or burned everything and anything that had any meaning or any type of connection to the OW (ex hi sch GF). I screamed A LOT, threw things at walls, made crazy threats and said a lot of mean s@#t. We both acted like lunatics. It was horrible! I was so angry because not only was I heartbroken, I was angry with myself for not believing my instincts. I was furious that I had allowed myself to be duped when I knew some sort of treason was occurring. Then add insult to injury, the fact that my young child was used in the ruse for my H’s “reconnection trip” would send me into psycho Angry Mother Bear mode.
The white hot rage was both physically and mentally exhausting. It stayed for a very long 4 mos! The simmering anger stayed for at least another year. As you can imagine it wrecked hell, but if you play with fire you’re going to get burned and poor choices have unfortunate consequences.
For us some of the anger was helpful. I believe it made my H understand the seriousness of his actions. I also know it helped him realize how much damage he had done to our marriage and me. He has said many times that he never knew it would affect me so deeply. Really??????? The anger gave me a release for the years of frustration trying to reach the person I married 20 yrs before. It also allowed me to release the pain that was eating me alive. I do believe that without the anger neither of us would have come to grips with my H’s actions or the horrible state of our marriage.
It’s been over 2 yrs since D-day. I still get angry sometimes, more like frustrated sadness, but it no longer consumes me everyday.
Someone please tell me why do they go to the ex’s for an affair? It’s all about the ex’s . Was she there taking care of him when he had the flu? Was she there when he threw out his back? Was she there when he had to work overtime (at least that’s what he told me) and I did the yard work???
When I showed my anger about his affair, he was mad at me because I couldn’t control myself. And when I cried he said, stop playing the victim .
He told you to ‘stop playing the victim’? Yikes. Erm, in this situation, you were the one who was hurt (though in another sense you are NOT a victim; you’re too strong for that!). It sounds like he had some pretty wacky emotional reactions to your emotion. It’s normal to be angry when one has been betrayed, after all. And I totally get what you’re saying about all the effort — real-world effort and work — you put in to show your value for the marriage.
But that’s just it: you were a responsible person willing to put in work for something you valued, and he wasn’t. I think the ex-GF just represents youth and freedom and possibility. CSs don’t want to grow up. They don’t want to take responsibility for their families, marriages, etc. At least that was really true in my H’s case. He grew up in a family in which neither he nor his brother could do any wrong. At all. Ever. In my family, on the other hand, when I got out of line my southern grandmother and mother let me know in no uncertain terms! And so, my therapist tells me, I grew up with a strong sense of responsibility and of right-and-wrong, and my H did not. He didn’t want to face the fact that he is just as responsible as I am for making our marriage and family work. It was a lot easier for him to do what his mother always did: to excuse himself from any blame or responsibility, and blame everyone else for his failings. And the OW fed right into that: she was so flattering, and of course she echoed everything he said about how his problems were all my fault, or someone else’s — never his own.
I got furiously angry after I found out about the ways he’d betrayed our family — so angry that I told him I was done with him and he could bloody well move out. I meant it, too. That brought about his near-total capitulation; it snapped him out of the ‘fog.’ But I still struggle with anger. It comes in waves. At first it was daily; then once or twice a week; now every couple of weeks or so. My H does, to his credit, take his lumps, so to speak (I mean metaphorically, not literally!).
Has anyone read Harriet Lerner’s book about women and anger? I’m trying to follow her advice. She says that women who are too passive AND women who get angry easily wind up in the same spot: frustrated, without anything changing for the better in their close relationships. Her advice is to state clearly, calmly, and assertively what you need, and what you will do if you do not get what you need. I tried this the other night with my H. He was frustrated with me when I called him out for not following through on something he’d said he would do and he started to yell at me. I told him not to raise his voice at me or I would walk away. He yelled, ‘I’M NOT RAISING MY VOICE!’ At which I promptly turned and exited the room. I have to say: it felt GREAT. 🙂
My H had told me early in our relationship how horrible he was to the ex GF who became the OW. He said he used her. So when we were at therapy and he was asked what attracted her to him 25+ yrs earlier his answer was, “she put me on a pedestal, made me more important than I was.” BINGO! I knew in that moment he had used her all over again for his own pathetic shrunken ego.
My H grew up in a family where his parents felt that he was God and they still do!
That is part of my husband’s problem too, but he’d never really admit it. Calls his whole thing “being selfish”. Whatever. Call it what you want, but I will NOT give into the ego anymore! I hate his ego. His parents think he walks on water, and go on and on about how PROUD they are of him! Blah! If they only knew who he REALLY was they wouldn’t be so proud!! They are coming to visit in a month, and we haven’t seen them since before D-day (they live across the country). I used to be SOOO close to his mother… closer than to my own family, but now it is weird for me. I had to face the fact that his family wasn’t MY family when the whole thing went down and I was trying to figure out what I was going to do. It was a harsh reality to face! No matter what, he is their son and they love him… I am just the woman he married… plain and simple. I hate knowing that. It makes me feel all alone, and it makes me feel even worse that I have been avoiding his mother (phone, texts, etc) for 20 months and she has no idea why. I can’t tell her… I just can’t. My husband and I are still together, and he said he would tell his parents if I wanted, even though he doesn’t want to… I don’t want to either. Am still embarassed and ashamed! Stupid, yes, but the truth. So they are coming to visit, and I am dreading it. I am terrified that I’ll burst into tears when she hugs me for the first time or something like that. Luckily I’m only able to take off 1 day during the week that they are here so I can play avoidance as much as possible. I just HAD to take my heart back.. I couldn’t handle his family rejecting me the way he did, and now… now hopefully they never can.
I’ve mentioned the role of anger in the early days on similar articles.
what I experience now are periods of intense anger where I remember all the crap my H has done, how sneaky, deceptive and downright disgusting he has been to me due to his PA/EA activities. Only the other night I had to explain that out of the blue I was becoming very angry because he slept with someone else. Nothing had triggered it, but my anger about just that welled up and broke out but the timing was just odd. I’ve had many other occasions where that’s happened. I can be doing something and nothing and then I’ll remember something and get so livid I could hit him. But I know it’s a delayed anger as I didn’t get angry enough in the early months because I took the blame for his affair.
What he did to me was shitty and hideous. It will always be there that he did this deliberately and sometimes I wonder if I can live with that or not.
I’ve just realised that what I’m having to learn to do is exactly what my H was so good at during his affair. compartmentalisation.
My H has said that he could put me and our home life in one box and his affair and that trollop OW in another box. he could then be essentially different people depending on which ‘box’ he was dealing with at the time.
In order to cope with what he’s done and cope with the contrast between who he was then and after discovery, compared to the much nicer man he is now, I have to put him into boxes. a ‘before’ box and a ‘now’ box.
I can appreciate the box idea. Need to try that out.
Unfortunately I didn’t express my anger initially as I should have. So now after almost 3 years and even though things are looking better, I have moments of delayed anger. Everytime my H does something stupid or “forgets” our rules I get angry because it feels like a step backwards and all I can think is “I’ll be damned if you’re going to treat me like that again!”
The anger I felt after D-day and didn’t fully express affected me terribly. I lost 20 lbs in one month, I had constant nose bleeds at very inappropriate moments, I had nightmares in which I’d cry and feel abandoned, etc.
How long did this anger last? It hasn’t gone away. I’m able to control it, always have and that’s why I feel I need to vent. As I’ve said before I’ve never told anyone what my H did to me, but 2 days ago I visited a friend’s mom and told her everything. It felt so good. I’ve known this kind lady since my college days. She even made my wedding cake. I feel lots of affection for her. She understood me completely and even shared her own story which was worse than mine!
Anger has allowed me to stop being a doormat. I have become stronger because I’ve been so angry at him. How dare he treat me the way he did and get to live a life of fun while flirting with his stupid girl-friends. That’s what goes on in my mind everytime I think of how stupid I was to trust him blindly. I trust NO ONE except myself! But I also have to think that I’m not getting any younger, life is hard and I don’t want to turn into my mother, a bitter woman who has antagonized all her children with her life story of how awful our father was. She now is 94 and lives alone because she doesn’t want to be near her children since they remind her of our father. I chose to improve my marriage, impose rules and boundaries because I invested so much and will not throw it all away just because my H decided one day to be stupid. My mom didn’t fix anything, she chose to grow bitter and never once did anything to make herself happy.
Even though we’ve been working very hard to fix our marriage, there are times when things slip back and we both get angry. The day I went to visit my friend’s mom I came home after he did and he was pissed!. It took me back to the times when I had to walk on eggshells to not upset him. Well, as soon as he started saying that he didn’t like coming to a dark and empty house and that he couldn’t understand how I could disconnect myself from everything when I went out (like not calling saying I’d be late, etc.) I said that he was treating me as if I had committed a crime. And that I NEVER went anywhere after work but it just happened that I wanted to visit her because she was in town and the last time I saw her was 18 years ago! He later tried to apologize but the damage was already done. In between his apology he kept adding that he didn’t understand how I could disconnect myself from everyone. I said to him “Well that is your problem. If you can’t understand me, then you better find an answer because I have always been this way. I never disconnect myself from anyone, life happens and you don’t like it when I pay attention to someone else. Well, grow up!” After that he’s been very low key and quiet. I really don’t care. Either he follows me or he can stay behind, but I’m moving forward with or without him. What a set back. I hope this is just something minor and will soon pass.
Another thing that happened yesterday was that through work (he works for the media) he downloaded an app for his phone called Banjo (teambanjo.com) it’s supposed to bring all your social networks together and you can see what your friends (facebook, twitter, email) are doing wherever they are in the world. But that’s not the bad part. You can also see what your friends’ connections are doing and even stranger (with pix) are doing and where they are. let’s say you’re in a bar and you activate this app on your phone you can see if anyone in that place is connected to this app and it will show you a pix and a name. Cheater city! I saw it when he was showing it to my daughter and I immediately said “How convenient! And do YOU need that?” He said no. We couldn’t talk about it because my daughter (she doesn’t know) looked at me and said What’s up mom? I laughed it off but the look on my H’s face told me he knew what was up. Tomorrow is Friday, our date night, and if you see fireworks in the sky you’ll all know I’m having a “TALK” with him about this new app. I think that him being upset because I came home late and this new app are connected. He’s forgotten the rule of telling me what he is up to so he used my tardiness to cover up his shenanigans. This is so typical and I’ve seen it before but it’s gonna end tomorrow. Either he gets back on track or he’ll go to work on Monday with a black eye!
Sorry for rambling on so much but I’ve had a couple of rough days and no one to talk to. Thanks for reading.
Anger is a normal and healthy response to this kind of betrayal. I told my H he needs to worry when I stop getting mad because it means I just don’t care anymore and if that happens I will walk. I know plenty of people who have been through this situation. They worked together for a while to reconcile only to end up divorcing 5-10 years down the line. I hope those of us who are working hard at reconciling are not just wasting our precious time.
I continue to get mad on a daily basis and it does not take a trigger as someone else has said. I can be doing the laundry and something will occur to me. For instance I was doing the laundry and in it were some boxer shorts I had given to him for Valentines Day one year during the affair. When I gave them to him I noticed that he rarely if ever wore them. It occurred to me the reason he hadn’t is he didn’t want HER to see them and know that I had given them to him for Valentines Day. It would have foiled his cover that there was nothing going on between us. Now he wears those damn boxers all the time. Well I just got pissed all over at the level of deceit to me and to her too, that he went to. He knows when I am dealing with anger because I get very quiet. I have blown up and I mean BLOWN UP several times to where there is no doubt in his mind how pissed I am about this. All of it the physical, emotional, and financial deceit is sometimes too much to deal with. I guess I will have the answer when I quit getting mad and not caring anymore.
Tryinghard – it’s funny that you mentioned about the 5-10 years down the line divorce. I sometimes wonder if I am just in cloud cuckoo land with this recovery process and that in a few years time, when the triggers are much less and the anger has receded, we’ll end up back where we were somehow. That the current happiness and closeness will just leach out over time.
I almost think that this is sometimes why the delayed anger events happen – some sort of natural reminder that this person you trusted can’t always be trusted. and always at the back of my mind I remember my H telling me this time last year when he was fantasizing about leaving me again, that he would do it again. Although he has retracted that and apologised for saying such a stupid and hurtful thing, it remains there as a ready and waiting ‘I told you so’ for the future.
I fantasize about leaving our marriage most days and I think that it’s because I’m scared to trust him as we get closer. We’re closer than we have been for years and life is enjoyable and fun again on many levels but I fear that it won’t mean anything and I’ll discover something horrid again to make that trust all worthless.
This is the consequence of lying to and deceiving someone you love. That even when you both feel loved again and everything is positive, the person who was deceived is still left with a nagging doubt. well, I am anyway.
chiffchaff – I could have written your last two paragraphs verbatim. If it wasn’t for this website I think I would feel like I am one in a million dealing with all this garbage and having all these thoughts.
FCOL & chiffchaff–I’m feeling the exact same things that you expressed. I want an open, honest, emotionally fulfilling, healthy relationship more than anything BUT I’m not sure if I’ll ever have that with him. I’m afraid to trust any happiness in our marriage because of his superb ability to deceive. What if he starts lying again and his source of joy is another woman, not our marriage? I’m angry that he has destroyed my ability to trust and I’m grieving that loss. Whether we stay together or not, I will never trust in the same way again, and I’m trying to find the positive growth in this reality.
One thing I question in this whole search for truth and trusting is, do I not trust him or do I not trust myself? I had red flags, I had gut feeling, hell I had evidence (an earring in his car!) but I trusted him and I trusted myself to be smart enough to know when something was not right. I was as mad at myself as I was mad at him. I was mad for not listening to my voice. Not trusting my voice. I think he’s being honest BUT I thought he was being honest before. Maybe we just need to relax and take it for what it is and IF it is real, we shouldn’t sabotage ourselves. I think we will always be on “high alert”. Maybe we just need to sit back and accept it. Maybe this our “new normal”? Hell I am so paranoid I question when he compliments me on anything! I think, ..is he being honest or patronizing? I worry about down the line too. In five years will I just say eff it I don’t care anymore and I’m divorcing this lying cheating SOB or will I still be here with all my insecurities because I am too afraid to trust? And then again all this worrying could be a moot point because who knows, I could be run down by a bus tomorrow!!! Life is good and sometimes it sucks but I think sometimes we make it suck. I need to quit sabotaging myself.
Coudn’t have said it better. I to have the impression it’s my anger that made the difference. I got very angry after Dday. I didn’t know I could blow up like that . (I’m usualy in controle of my emotions) It was his first wake-up call. Of course he was in the fog and the next day I got my act together so he thought everthing would blow over. I bearly could keep straight for the next year. To bad I didn’t show my anger then!! Insted the children were the ones to feel my suppressd angor. I’m so sorry they had to go through this not understanding what was going on. I wanted to work on the marriage, understand…To by chance find a hidden corporate mail after a year! He still pretended nothing was wrong, he had no contact (he stopped texting and switched to secret e-mail). Then I got really angry. And that anger told me that if he CHOSE to destroy what we had I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of dumping me as a hysterical wreck (the type “no wonder he left her..”). So I got angry again. I got my act together. Told him I CHOSE for our marriage but now I was going to take care of myself now and it was time he decided wat he was CHOSING (I wasn’t giving him the satisfaction of dumping him eather- so he could be the victim!?!) but I was’nt going to accept anymore crap! I think than he really woke up. I think we’re doing much better now. The anger has faded. (But I still hope I will not have to be angry at myself for believing it… I can’t get to his corporate mails so sometimes I start doubting again..). The main anger left is towards the OW. She’s getting away with this (sometime’s I want to go and tell her H; they were friends, he must have doubts or she’s telling lies about me) I know it’s a wasteof energy and I know now she’s dangerous. But sometimes I fantasize blowing up in their faces and it give’s me peace
In my previous post I said I was going to have a talk with my husband about that new app he downloaded on his phone and I consider a cheater’s dream come true. Well he deleted it without having to ask him to do it. So I guess our talk tomorrow won’t bring fireworks just some sparks when I bring up the fact that he seems to be forgetting our new rules of open communication, not doing anything behind my back, and not treating me like he owns me. I’ll also remind him that these rules exist because of his behavior.
I am still waiting for the anger towards him to come. Hatred and anger towards her were immediate. Found out they have been seeing each other for at least 8 months if not longer. He doesnt know that I know yet. If the anger would come it will really help me.
He has been emotionally abusive for years. And distant. He blames me for everything and says that I am not changing, I am who I am. And this while he sneaks around with a married mom?! He is pathetic. Would love the anger…
How did you initially express (or not express) your anger after discovering the affair?
I was HYSTERICAL! I physically attacked my husband that night, and other nights after that, for which I am ashamed now. I cried, I screamed, I drank too much.. I was a complete MESS. And my husband said that same STUPID phrase to me too… soooooo dumb! What does that even mean anyway?
How did this anger affect you physically and emotionally?
At first I lost 20 lbs because I just physically could not eat. I didn’t sleep. My hair started to fall out, and I just shook constantly. I couldn’t focus on anythng and I would go on major swings from crying hysterically to screaming my brains out. Throwing him out one minute then begging him not to leave the next. Packing my bags and leaving, then coming home an hour later…. It was literally the WORST roller coaster I have ever been on. Once I COULD eat it is the only thing aside from the booze that would make me feel better, so I gained back 15 of the 20 lbs I lost…. I just felt completely out of control in EVERY facet of my life.
How long did this anger remain with you – or does it still remain?
The anger still remains though it has been 20 months since I discovered the whole sordid mess. It isn’t as violent or uncontrollable all of the time, but I still have panic attacks and get very angry at how callous and stupid and down right SICK he was to do what he did. It actually INSULTS ME that he could be so yucky!! I focused all of my anger on me, then on him, then on the slut, and now.. back to me a bit. Now the anger is more because I feel like a wimp. I feel like I should’ve left and stayed away to see if he would fight for me… feel like I should’ve faced the whore… feel like should have told the world… feel like I should’ve told it’s husband… more mad because I let HIM destroy ME, when his affair was his own sickness and not mine. I forgave myself for not pressing him even though I was so suspicious… I forgave myself for believing his lies… I forgave myself for being so naive and trusting… but now I can’t forgive myself for not being stronger.. I stayed when I swore I wouldn’t… I felt trapped when I was just scared… I am just mad that he could do this to us!!!
What role has anger played during your efforts to recover and heal from the affair?
Anger has been the hardest thing to deal with regarding recovering and healing. I am still so pissed off at him for treating me like that, and I am pissed off at the whore for being a whore, and I am pissed off at him for not being who I thought he was, and I am pissed off at myself for staying with someone who is capable of such sickness…. That is the hardest part. I am pissed off at myself for not being able to talk myself out of loving him like he did to me so he could justify his sickness. I am mad at myself for being insecure and afraid now. All of this is the last hurdle I think… I will never forgive. I am trying to accept and move on, but I am still so angry at the world for being so sick and accepting of such lewd and sick behavior. Just because society is going to hell doesn’t mean it is okay to do so, and the idea of “not judging” people is bullcrap! Its that acceptance of all of the garbage in the world that is letting it continue, and even escalate!
Recovering, the emotions you ave and are going though sound like mine. Pure crazy, I would love to have my sanity back.
My h of 22yrs went os just over a year ago, came back in love with his cousin, who only a couple of months prior to his trip came back into our lives after 20yrs, wanting to get to know our family ohh and yes me.
She had also been only recently separated from her h, and would confide in mine, would get him to help her sort her life out and gave him all these sob stories to make him feel sorry for her.
My h ended up having her meet him os, as sh told him sh wanted to see her family and couldn’t afford to go, so he paid for her.
My h runs his own business and was going through a midlife crisis, and we have 6 children the youngest was just one year old when this ow decided to sink her grips into my h. He was stressed about paying bills, trying to get jobs finished so payment can happen, he was struggling, I myself had been going through depression after my baby and I too was struggling to keep myself afloat.
So my h decided to confide in her and she would tell him how I don’t love him, and that he deserves better and that she has loved him all her life. That was when sh met him os and I was out of t picture. She had her family throw. Engagement party for her and my h and didn’t even tell him, just threw it on him. I didn’t know any of this until the drama unfolded when he arrived back home.
This ow manipulated him every chance she got, and had him believe that he didn’t love me and I didn love him, that it was her he loved.
My h moved out after she had arranged for someone to tell me about their engagement, he wouldn’t believe she would av done such a thing.
He also told me that it never meant anything to him, he only did it to make her look better.
With all the rumors this ow has caused to try and get my h an I to leav each other has been ridiculous, yet my h had never completey moved out of our home, he was more depressed and sickly looking than I had ever seen him, and he just got worse th longer we were apart. So he came home within the month oh leaving, yet I would tell him, I will leav you be but you need her to let you be as well, so you can figure your mind out. Of course she wouldn’t,.
He ended up getting her a place to rent after she made him promise to help her, sh actually thought he as goin o move in with her, then when sh realized he wasn’t she would get angry at him an tell him that it as his fault for not getting her out of her marriage, how she had to did it herself. So the manipulation continued.
Even though he came home to me, he still kept on seeing her behind my back, and each time caught h would tell me he loved her. I would tell him to have her, then he would tell me that it is me he wants. Gets very confusing, to say t least.
He knew she wanted to have kids with him, he knew he didn’t want the drama of her h (who sh is separated only not divorced!) being in his face. He would tell her he wasn’t interested in raising her kids 3 of them, yet they still clung to each other.
Through all of this my h and I are closer, but I know he is having trouble letting her go, I guess it’s harder because sh is his cousin, and his family will look at him for hurting her, because h is the man.
Because of this ow, we had almost lost our business due to my h not being able to concentrate, her constant calls and visits, her telling him how he promised everything to her and he should be keeping his promises. Don’t worry that h as 6 kids, a business, home a loving wife, and has so much more to lose than her, no. It’s all about her.
If you can believe she was under the impression when I saw her one day, at our place of business that I should have spoken nice to her. She said, ohh I’m an it now am I, what happened to e being family, why does sh call me that. My h told her what do you expect, her to hav her arms open for you.
My h tells me he knows life isn’t greener on the other side, and that he needs time to break away from her, he tells me that there is no love there anymore, however he knows that he felt sorry for her and that it was what was confusing him, yet he needs time.
He isn’t leaving me, I’m not to worry about anything, he is not going to let her break us. Yet he just doesn’t get it, I’ve told him, for him to heal and for all of us to heal, including the ow, then there has to be no contact, but he insists this h needs to do it his way. He tells me it is working, but I don’t believe it, up until a few weeks back they were calling each other several times a day.
I have been so hurt from all of this I have cried every single day for over a year, yet her feelings come before mine, because he is with me, not in his words , my observation.
I seem to be the worse one in everything.
This ow has even gone as far as to use my h surname as her own on fb. I’ve told him how psychotic that it was.
We are selling our home to get back on our feet, we moved almost 2 hours away as I couldn’t cope anymore, my home didn feel like home anymore. From the stress I kept awa from my family and friends so that my h wouldn’t be judged, I didn’t want problems when wevfinally got back on track, I didn’t want anyone holdin a grudge with him, I wanted to protect him. I knew this man wasn’t my h, and I hav been fighting to get him back to himself.
This ow, just wanted someone o look after her and her kids, help her.raise er family, so I know it’s not love, she was jealous of our family and wanted it for herself, and didn’t care who got hurt. It certainly isn’t her family getting hurt, her h is out of the picture already, it’s all my family.
So here I am away from family nd friends in a area I know no one, my h drivin down to our business for work each day , which is very hard as she is near our plac of business, yet I try o hard to trust an try so hard to let it ride out.
Yet how do you keep going, when the love of your life is infatuated with another and hides it, how do you go on when you are literally dying inside, everything you believed in taken from under you, the selfishness of it all, it’s not just one person being hurt, it’s the children too.
Yet even though I have sent numerous texts to this ow, to get her to see what sh is doing, it’s been to no avail.
It’s the hardest time of my life, I get to points where I can’t cope anymore, I just should leave and let him sort himself out with her, yet h stops me each time. Then I get to another side, why should she have th pleasure of breaking my family, hurting my family, for her selfish reasons, I’m not letting her have him.
Yet when does It stop, I’m waiting, and trying to way patiently, so very hard to do.
Trust my h to get involved with a family member. He knows if it was anyone else it would have been slot easier.
So here I am hoping and praying that once our financial situation improves, he will be strong enough to set her free.
Thanks, first place I have found, where I have felt like letting it out, I guess because it I to others that no my pain, my frustration, my anger, no how the lies do more damage, yet we aren’t getting told to leave your h, especially when the odds are against the ow and more in the wifes favor.
My father in law passed away yesterday after a brief illness of lung disease. He was 86 years old. He had a full life but still a bit too short for those of us who love him.
I and my ex husband are 2 months away from his divorce. His divorce that he wanted. His divorce because he refused to work on our marriage because he didn’t want me.
My name is listed in the obituary as daughter in law. I am not happy. I am not a daughter in law for which his son kicked me hard to the curb ane got rid of me.
Rachel, I’m sorry about the passing of your fil, it’s a sad time, things seem to happen all at once. I’m also sorry about what your going through.
Maybe think of being put down as his dil, that his family love you, and will always class yu as their family, their dil. Maybe take it as them not being happy with their son for his behavior and are on your side.
Take it, as if your h doesn’t wake unto himself, when he remarries, the next wife will have a hard place to fill.
So take light in the fact that your h family love you, otherwise I’m sure they wouldn’t have put your name down at all. They would probably be celebrating your down fall.
So take it as his family being on your side, and maybe they will be what brings you back together.
You know what makes me angry? It’s the fact that I have loved my h for all of my adult life and still love him dearly. How could he think I didn’t love him, we had 6 kids together. Certainly wouldn’t have had that many kids with him if I didn’t.
I hate how, I feel like I have to keep proving myself, to be the loyal wife, the loving wife, the one here to pick up al th pieces, as if I did the wrong thing.
I hate stepping on the eggshells, tiptoeing around so I don’t rock the boat and give him an excuse to go run to her.
I hate how we have almost lost everything we have worked hard for because of this huge mistake.
I hate how I’m still living it. I hate how his family could disrespect me and my family, yet they are aunties and uncles not his parents,. His parents are very upset.
I hate how the ow gets away Scott free for all she had done, an wonder when will karma hit back.
I hate how our money was spent on her, as if my h was keeping two families.
I hate how this never seems to end, all I want is my h back, and our life back without this ow in it.
I hate how my world as been turned upside down, I felt humiliated, betrayed, felt like a fool, felt like our whole life was a huge lie.
I hate how the trust I had in my h is practically non existent and I want it back.
I hate how I feel like I have no one to turn too.
I don’t like feeling like my feelings don’t matter.
I dont like feeling like at times I’m the only one trying to keep us together, or that he is still testing his waters with her before his clean break.
I don’t like how I was made to be the worst wife ever, and he st the time didn’t stand up for me, instead he joined in.
How can someone, that you love and know that they love you, turn into someone completely different, just for a person that wants to ruin his family, so she can have him support her.
I can’t stand it that the ow, can have no remorse, she used what my h told her and ran with it for her own advantage.
What makes me angry, is the fact that he couldn’t approach me, he had to speak out to someone else, and that person had her own agenda.
Strength Required,
This reality that we are faced with, has, so much pain and so much sorrow! Thanks for sharing what we probably all feel. Truthfully, we suffered a death. Those of us who have chosen to stay and reconcile have to go through the grievance process. My H was my best friend, who than, is my best friend now? I have asked him this very question, the remorse in his face pains me even deeper. My H works with the OW, every day! He says he loves me, and has no idea what lead him down that path to begin with. However, he also misses his conversations with her. Anger is with me, and in me. I began “Life Span Integration” therapy to move the trauma out of the part of my brain that triggers the emotion as if things were still active and to transition them onto the part of the brain that knows it is done and over with. Ultimately, my realization today is that I am worth every bit of love, and in time, if he does not fulfill me where I think he should, than I will be moving on with my children…and wishing him farewell!
I would be interested in hearing about “Life Span Integration” therapy and how it has helped you.
Linda,
I will give you all feedback as I move forward with the therapy. I have read great results stemming from this type of therapy approach. The trauma that we suffered emotionally is stored in the amygdala part of the brain, where, events seem current. When we are triggered, the paranoia, anger, and other emotions surfaces. If the therapy works correctly, those events are than transitioned to the frontal-lob, where, events are but memories helping us restrain/or control our feelings.
HealingPerson
I can’t wait to hear about it too. I try all the affirmation stuff and it helps but I swear sometimes ok most times I am obsessed with words, actions, revenge you name it. I have to put it in the past somehow. My days are getting better though. I have also decided that I will never forgive what he did. I did the last time and I also forgot, so screeeeeew that idea. By forgetting I let down my guard. I may be dumb but I’m not stupid–anymore 🙂
I couldn’t take it if my H still worked with the OW. Luckily we COULD get rid of her. Let’s all really think good thoughts, pray, whatever you want to call for each other?
Tryinghard,
Amen!
I went from trying to reconcile, even having some “good” weeks to hating him. I mean to-the-core hating him. Part of me just wants to stay married to him to make his life a misery, but we have a child, so that’s a bad idea. I’m so furious that his weak-ass turned my world upside down with his lies. I told him if he wasn’t happy, he should have “manned-up” and left. Do it clean and honest. But no, he has to be a pathetic, gutless, selfish jackhole. Ugh! When I actually stop and think about it, I hate myself for being such a damned fool! I told him I was going to expose him and them publicly and then he starts telling me that they could sue me, might physically hurt me, etc. That I would look like I was crazy (yes, asshole, this has DEFINITELY made me crazy – hello? You ruined my life here! You ruined our family!) Putting all these scary scenarios in my head, but part of is thinking why should these whores get away with what they did. F**k them if they lose their jobs and kids. You screwed up my life, I’ll screw up yours. I just want to scream! ARGHHHHHH!
Let’s agree everyone not to let these ow or om push us any further down. We are strong, we are good, we are better than these people that try and ruin our lives for their own selfish pleasure.
This ow, has put me through hell and I refuse to let her do this to me any longer. We have wasted enough time and energy on them.
StrengthRequired
Yes. That is exactly what I did yesterday. I am deciding to control my thoughts regarding the OW. I have been obsessing lately so much about sending her a letter. It is ridiculous on my part and does me no good. I am going to stop googling her, doing drive bys her place of work. She’s an ass and no matter what I could possibly have to say to her doesn’t make any difference. She knows what I and my H think of her. I have also realized the reason she hasn’t contacted my H is because she wants me to think he went after her. I know better. She’s a desperate sad broke person. I know she made herself very available to him for her own benefit. She won’t change and her own bad karma is getting her anyway. We have gotten past so much but my constant obsessing about revenge on her is going to ruin me. I have to stop. I deserve to be loved the way my H is loving me now and I will continue to be loved and cherished that way.
I’ve got a lot of benefit in the past and recently when I got fixated again on the OW in reading these three parts of Natalie Lue’s article on ‘being the other woman’ which can be found here:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/being-the-other-woman-the-lessons-i-learnt-part-3
It doesn’t make me feel sorry for the OW, it just makes me realise how little she actually got from their ‘relationship’ compared to me and why on earth she might have accepted those ‘crumbs’. This makes me feel much less angry towards her and more angry towards my H for being such a selfish, spineless git at that time.
chiffchaff,
Interesting site and perspective form the eyes of the OW! I sensed deep anger and resentment towards the “guy”. Lot’s of blaming in the midst. Unfortunately for the author, she is in great denial of he own manipulation issues, and further, that she is generalizing “men” as though they are all “scum”, and that isn’t the case always. Truthfully, these type of women are predators. They hide behind their own inabilities and wait for a “vulnerable” guy to come around. OW, are good at what they do. They know how to groom a guy, slowly, and manipulatively, I can’t speak for man, why they do what they do. But, as a “woman”, I can say with certainty that OW lack morals and values “in my book”. Woman should stand my each other, and give worth to our kind. If WE all did that, man would than keep their pants on! My H is a “good” man who did a “bad” thing. I read an interesting article on “infatuation”, which is essentially what a person goes through during their “fog” in an affair. In this case, the study was performed in “man”. During the “infatuation” period, a man’s brain was carefully examined by experts. The main brain function in this case was in the area of “instant satisfaction”. In other words, like an “undeveloped teen-age brain”. There is no fear of consequence, no for-thought of the future, just the moment of need, an adrenalin rush described as a “very addictive drug”! It totally made sense to me. The little that my H has been able to tell me about his EA, he describes as being in a trans. He said, there were moments of sobriety where he knew he was F’U’, and those were the days he would come home an hold me tight. I hope this insight is helpful to you all:-)
I had a issue with my own brain, and “Sam” is actually me “healingperson” on the message above!
Healing person (Sam). You are right, my h would tell me to hold him tight and not to let go. He seemed afraid of me letting him go and h all deeper into this ow hands.
He knows e doesn’t want to be with her, yet it is an addiction.
He honestly thought he was in love with her and everything she was telling him was right and true. He became confused. He too told me that h was Fu.
I would tell him it was only infatuation, yet that needed him to see it. Until the fog clears in our h brain they don’t see what the difference of right and wrong is. They did a horrible stupid mistake, but the ow had alot to do with it.
The ow on that post, she was most definitely in denial that she was ever in the right, if anything she had to manipulate that mm to get him where she wanted him. She would of had her eye on him before hand.
Chiffchaff, I certainly don’t feel sorry for the ow. I can’t believe she woul even go as far as saying that the h are rightfully theirs. Wtf. I noticed how she made it sound all sad and sorry for herself, yet what do you expect when you go after mm.
Expect to get hurt. Btw she’s wrong at thinking all of these mm are manipulative, most seem to be at a down time of their lives and feel something is missing. No excuse on our h though, but I know my h didn’t set out to hurt our family, she was the one that did the manipulating.
I suppose the blog I linked to and that particular OW who’s writing there resonates with my circumstances because my H actively went looking for a physical affair. She could’ve been anyone. She didn’t have enough self-esteem or brains to wonder why this married man, away from his wife at a conference abroad, was so keen to take her to dinner and get into her pants.
Good on you trying hard. It literally drives you nuts, when all we want is the ow out of our lives an our lives with our h back to normal but better.
I’ve ad to stop an think, what is this actually doing for e focusing on the ow, when she looks at it as she is doing her job, making me go crazy so I will walk away and she gets to claim her prize. She has done enough damage, I won’t let her do anymore.
That’s a GREAT question to ask myself. What is all this obsessing about the OW doing for me? Nothing actually. It’s just fear that he is still in contact with her and I don’t think he is! I guess it’s true that we have nothing to fear but fear itself . Thanks for the advice. Every time I start to obsess I will stop and ask myself this:)
Sorry for all the spelling errors, stupid iPad playing up. Lol.
I’m glad I couldmoffer something to think about trying hard, it’s just seems that instead of focusing on her, we should focus on ourselves and be the better person, our h will take notice, and eventually she won’t have a leg to stand on.
I used to send her text msgs telling her to leave my family, my h alone, would let her know sh had no morals no dignity, and how dare she even think of ruining my childrens lives. I would tell her to go back to her h where she belongs as rubbish belongs with rubbish. I know wrong thing to do, it just gave her something to whinge to my h about, but at the time, I would try and get her to think about the children involved, maybe a piece of decency would show. Yet no, it didn’t. If anything she tried harder.
Yet I would also say to my h, if I hadn’t stood up for my family, for him, he would have continued to believe that I didn’t care.
So now, after hitting rock bottom, there is only one way to go now and that is up. I showed her how angry I was, but now it has to be left in my h hands. He has to man up and kick her to the kerb. I’ve done my bit, I’ve proven myself to him, now he has to prove to me.
I am making myself believe I am stronger, and I will become stronger, and whichever way this turns out, I’m the better person, I can have my head held high, I have nothing to be ashamed of. I deserve to be happy.
Strength required
I hate to say this but you and you H could be raising The Holy Infant Child and that would not make her feel guilty. She justifies her actions because she thinks she is in love with him and him with her. Delusional. I don’t have children at home anymore so I don’t obsess over that. I want to poke my finger in her eye. I want to tell her how wonderful he is being to me. Taking me on trips and gifts and always wanting me by his side. I want her to know that he says I saved his life getting him away from her. I want her to know he is ashamed that people in our town know that he was with her skanky ass. He’s embarrassed by all of it. I want to tell her I know she looks for men on a porn dating site and that is where she belongs. I want her to know that she was a disaster at her job and everyone is glad she’s gone that they say I killed the wicked witch of the west. I want to tell her she is low class shit and was way out of her league. I want to tell her she has something to say to me to bring it on because I will chew her up and spit her out. I want to knock whatever ego building she got by having an affair with my husband right out of her tackily coiffed head!
Whew!! That felt good:)
Trying hard, nothing holy or infant about her. A child is innocent, she is not innocent she is guilty as charged. She was after only what she could get and my h was a easy target as she would tell him about er sorry life, make him feel sorry for her, then she would convince him that his life was up shit creek too.
If anything this ow, is a she devil. Nothing godly about her what so ever. Tbh I think she wanted to take my children from me too.
It does feel good getting things out hey? Lol.
I will tell you what gets me angry. We are supposed to be working on our marriage, why does it feel at times it s one sided?
How does my h think it is ok, when he stays away from home because f work, that after a certain time he doesn’t answer his phone or replies to his msgs. Especially when I know he is out and not sleeping.
How does he expect me to feel secure that he isn’t with anyone if he isn’t available to answer his phone. I have told him, his phone should always be answered when he is away, what if there was an emergency and I or his kids can’t get a hold of him.
The excuses, I didn’t hear the phone, I had the phone on charge, I was asleep. As far as I’m concerned no excuses. If he can answer his phone for the ow at what ever time day or night, then he can do it where it is supposed to count.
Sorry, I guess feeling abit frustrated, that my feelings keep getting walked over as if I’m some sort of idiot.
Sometimes I get tired of tiptoeing around his feelings, when he should be doing everything to prove to me his worthiness of me, now…. Just because I love him, doesn’t mean I’m stupid. I’m just trying to save my marriage.
I hate for him to sound selfish, but we wouldn’t be in this situation if he wasn’t.
Strenghtrequired,
While we all share the burden of surviving an EA, it is so great to read everyone’s’ way to resolve their own. Its easier to be objective when giving out advice. By no means I have my issues figured out, but for what is worth, a word of advice that has worked for me and my situation. Don’t wait for him to call. You call a friend and go out for a laugh! Keep yourself busy. Let him miss you and come to you. Not saying two wrongs make a right. You can be respectful, honest, transparent, about where you are going or went. Let him know, your independence is just as important and should be valued!
Strength Req. – You need to call him out on this bullshit ASAP!
I will tell you why I’m saying this:
My H was having a virtual affair with his Hi.sch. GF for about 6 mos. For too many stupid reasons to list and with help from his mentally disturbed mother he decided to take a trip to see this skanky depressed damsel in distress. When he told me of this trip he said he just wanted to take our child to his parents (out of state) by himself. I spent a month asking him why he wanted to do this and got a bunch of baloney for excuses. In my gut I knew he was up to no good. But he had me believing I was being an overprotective mother and a crazy nagging wife, because he had spent the previous year expounding on every negative attribute i had. Well, i BEGGED like a desperate lovestruck teenager the day he left for the airport as to why he was doing this to me and us. He looked me straight in the eye and told me I was being ridiculous, that I had nothing to be so upset about. Off he went while I stood there sobbing, beaten down like a chained dog. I called him several times while he was gone for 8 days and he only called me once (the day after his hookup went bust). His lunatic mother even had my 8 yr old child call me the night he went to see the OW to tell me “Dad went to a picnic and he won’t answer his ph.” A picnic at 9:30 at night?????? When he finally came home I asked him about said picnic and his only comment was “I can catch up with whoever I want.” Then he stormed out of the house. The next two years he continued to lie and stonewall about “the trip.” He also engaged in risky behavior with 3 other women, 2 co-workers and another ex GF. The outcome of those is another story too long to go into here. My point is it wasn’t until I called BULLSHIT on his behavior and told him I thought we should separate did he come to grips with the sorry state of our marriage. The affair had been over 2 years but he was still in a fog and I believe he was still looking for someone to save to make himself feel better. He was way down in a dark cave that had been a lifetime in the making.
You have got to stop thinking of him and think of yourself and your children. I know it’s hard. I had friends giving me mixed advice and my head was a mess, but in hindsight I wish I would have told him HELL NO you are not going on any trip with our child and don’t come back from your little trip because your key won’t work. Because all he did was make me feel like a small minded worthless crazy thinking person which was a load of crap!!!!!!! I knew in my gut that he was dragging us down a deep dark hole but I believed his load of lies especially the ones about how I was crazy. He was projecting every feeling of inadequacy about himself onto me.
SAVE yourself, do what your gut is telling you. Trust your instincts because that is the only thing you can honestly trust at this point. You matter, you are awesome just as you are, your feelings are valid and you deserve better!!!! The first thing our therapist told me was, “This is not about you, it’s not your fault.”
Your husband is in a bad, bad place in his head and until he is ready to come to grips with that he will continue to drag you down. Please take care of you, think of you, there are times in life when selfishness is self preservation. I feel your struggle and I send your all the courage and wisdom you need.
Forcryingoutloud and healingperson.
Thank you to the both of you. I know my h is still recovering, yet I know the last thing he wants to do is ruin our marriage. He runs his own business and it has been quite a difficult year or so on him, it hasn’t helped that instead of reaching out to me, he reached out to the ow. Who happens to be a cousin, so I can see his turmoil when his family come down on him for hurting the ow. Yet they didn’t care what was happening to his wife and kids.
So I understand that he needs time to himself, which can actually be a good thing as he gets to think about everything.
Unfortunately we can’t move our business to our new hometown right now, due to the workload he has on plus the expense, so it is better that he stays down there due to the travel and how hard he is working to try and get s back on our feet. He gets tired on the long drive home, and I would prefer to not have him fall asleep at the wheel just to get home to me. That would be something I couldn’t live with if anything happened to him.
That being said, I am in a better place then what I was, from crying everyday to maybe a tear on the odd day. I have plans for my future, which is quite exciting, whether my h chooses to be apart of it or not then that’s his decision.
I no longer obsessed by the ow, she means nothing to me, I am the better person, I don’t set out to hurt people or break families apart. tbh I not know what is so appealing about her.
I am now sitting back waiting and watching. I won’t let her win, she will not get the better of me.
I have told my h on several occasions, you want her, have her. He won’t go.
He knows that I won’t put up with much more, and I have noticed he calls a lot more, more than he ever did.
Just needs a bit more encouraging to do what is needed.
We have both talked about our future and he is very excited.
I guess when you go through this, you would like to know for certain that nothing will happen again.
I know that I have no control over what he does or does not do, and I have told him that, that it’s in his hands to do the right thing. After all he isn’t a baby, he is a grown man.
Although I have no desire to leave my h, I know now that I am strong, I will not fall again, I am in charge of my own happiness, and if I feel that all of the energy I have put into saving my marriage was not getting anywhere, which right now I know it is moving forward, slowly but surely, then I know I will be ok.
He doesn’t want to hear me talk about leaving him, he tells me he won’t let that happen.
So this post of mine about what makes me angry, is like a release, a vent, so I don’t start arguing with him.
So I see myself growing, I see my marriage is still very loving, and while that love is there it’s worth battling on.
As we all know, the ways the ea come about they won’t last.
Maybe if I didn’t push for him to let go of her all those months ago, maybe just maybe she would ave been history sooner. Yet it is a process, that we are continually learning.
I would obsess about her, what was so good about her, what’s wrong with me, am I that bad. Yet now I just see her as a pathetic loser of a woman, that doesn’t deserve my energy, it’s just wasted on her. this ow will not dictate my life, if she ends up with my h, it’s because I gave him to her, she can take it as she is taking my leftovers.
Thankyou again
Strenghtrequired,
As if your words came right out of my heart! It is a work in progress. In the stages of grief, which can be random, it is important to have these venues to vent, to read what we say, and to let it go if we want our marriage to succeed. One of my concerns have been whether or not my time is a wasted with my H, and if in the end we would just separate in spite our efforts. A good friend of mine added a new perspective in the midst, she said it is not a waste, it is a gain, cause in the end no matter what, we’ll come out stronger, and in my case, my children will develop a little further with both us in their lives! Also, in this process, my H and I are stepping out of our comfort zones, exploring areas we hadn’t before. So, hang in there, discover yourself, do things that make you “you”, and he will follow:-)
Yes all of you say the same things I am feeling too. Yesterday on the radio was a piece from a young woman advocating open relationships and how being monogamous was unrealistic. I understood what she was saying although I disagreed. She started to talk about the sex and excitement of new sex and I just became so angry thinking about my H having this experience. My H was there listening and I am sure he wanted to turn the station as he saw my dark side coming out. The anger was all there again just like when he told me. I told him I wanted a divorce. I asked him if he thought I would ever get over this and he said he didn’t think so. He was very kind and loving toward me. He said he needed to be reminded of what an asshole he was. He told me how much he loved me and how happy he was. He seemed sincere. While his reaction was good I my head I was thinking “Oh yeah pal, well too little too late!” It is so hard for me to move past all this given the time, finances, emotional dedication etc he gave her. I am furious at his foolishness and I too don’t look at this as a waste of time but it certainly isn’t too far out of my thought process that I could end up just leaving one day. He knows that and maybe that’s what keeps him on his toes. I forgave too fast the last time. Forgave and forgot. Trusted foolishly that he had learned his lesson. I just can’t and won’t go back to that naivete again. I think forgiveness and trust is a thing of the past and now I have to figure out my life without it. I need to work on myself more. I find I stifle myself in order to make me more appealing to him. What bullshit that is! I question where will I go what will I do if or when I do leave him? Will I be happier? Will I find someone else that I can have a healthy relationship with or would I be doomed to a life alone. I am not a young woman but I don’t look or act like a woman my age. I could probably find someone but ULK I can’t stand the thought of it. I pray to God every day to give me wisdom and help me listen to what His plan is for me. So far I am still here “working” on a 38 year broken marriage. Maybe this is as good as it will ever get? PATHETIC!!!
I’ve just realized how angry I am about something.
I am angry because, due to my h affair and that damn ow, I couldn’t love in my home, so we had to move and leave people that are close to me such as my family and friends.
Towards the end of last year my mum was diagnosed with lung disease, I used to see her every week, before this stupid affair, before it affected me where I couldn’t even face anyone, where all I could think of was saving my marriage and making sure my h wasn’t turned away from anyone I cared about.
I couldn’t live in my home, I couldn’t live anywhere near my hometown, I needed to get away. I was having panic attacks all the time. I find I can’t even go back because the panic attacks return.
So here I am away from my family, my mum is sick, and seems to be getting worse. I barely see her, and haven’t seem much of her for a long time, considering it used to be weekly, now lucky if it’s every few months.
Now that she needs me, I’m not there.
I’m angry, because I don’t understand how this disgusting ow, can live a life of happiness, trying to still break my marriage, she hasn’t lost anyone, she hasn’t lost her home, she isn’t struggling, she is living happy. Why has karma not hit this person, why have I lost so much due to her and her selfish ways.
I’m angry, because of my h stupid mistake, I’m angry because I’m the one trying to pick up all the pieces.
I would love to be so angry at my h, but I just can’t. Why is that?
Strengthrequired,
You can’t be mad at your H because you want your marriage to work… You love him and want to be the kind of person to forgive. It is easier to place your anger on the OW, which is what I did and still do. I have NEVER even uttered the slut’s name. REFUSE. PEOPLE have names, it is a whore and a slut and slime of the worst kind. How my husband was even interested in it sickens me – I couldn’t even be friends with it had this never happened because of the type of person it is. That book that everyone seems to taut “Just Friends” says that you have to see the other person as human that gave some good to your spouse… that is utter crap. It gave NO good! If it were a friend it would’ve never hit on my husband, and if HE were a friend, he would’ve sent the slut back to it’s own husband… FRIENDS don’t destroy each other’s lives… I don’t know much about Karma other than I pray for it every day… Pray for the slut to slide off the road into a tree in a single car accident and die. My Karma for praying for that will probably be it happening to me and it getting off scott free like it has the whole time. It SUCKS being the better person, but WE, you AND me, need to look at ourselves and CHOSE FOR OURSELVES if we are going to let such scum really destroy US!! Go on and live YOUR life and make good choices for you, and if your husband follows, great, if not, he didn’t deserve you in the first place!!! As I type this response to you, I am telling myself all of this same stuff…. You and I, and all of us betrayed spouses, need to stop letting them be in control. They were sick… let them keep their sickness and not let it infect us… Take your life back… Go see you mother and dont let their sickness make you wish you had spent more time with her!! THEY are not worth that! What they did doesn’t deserve that kind of homage!!!!!
I need to take my own advice….
Recovering, thanks for that. I think we all need to take our on advice at times.
I think I need to stop calling my h, even though he tells me to call him, he asks why I havent called as he waits to see if I will.
Yet he appears to be backing off, yet he tells me he isn’t. However, I just called him to see if he was on his way home. Next thing I was yelled at, ohhh do you want o know how many kilometers how many minutes, hours away I am, blah blah blah.
He tells me he is tired, that’s fine. I asked how he was, he said he is shit.
Well that’s nice to know, he’s shit because he is coming home after being away or a night.
I’m really wondering can I o this anymore, I feel useless, I feel like I’m unwanted.
I didn’t do this to us, why do I feel it’s my fault.
All I want to do is love him, but not if he is going to hurt me every chance he gets, just because he as had a bad day.
Maybe lover girl, has been calling him and he ended up speaking with her, and now feels bad for not talking to her, and taking it out on me. I don know, it’s just exhausting and I just don’t know how much more I can take, yet I don’t want to lose him or my marriage.
I’ve been reading this site for weeks now & as the cs I decided to finally write in hopes of helping even one of you. My H is probably one of the nicest people you will ever meet. He’s very social with tons of hobbies & friends. He has always been very selfish with his time. I know he loves me but for 2 years he lost his sex drive & pretty much looked thru or past me. I was dealing with a bad back, feeling old & lonely as all the kids were grown. I didn’t know I was missing anything until one of my classmates reached out to me on facebook. He was divorced & having a hard time dealing with the fact that his ex wife surprised him with divorce & shattered his world. He felt like he lost it all.
I began to have feelings for him & was in the fog. I even said I feel like I’m in a fog. We chatted & communicated about life for months. My H never noticed because we were so separate even in the same house. The OM lives 1800 miles away & although I would say I love him it is a different love than what I feel for H.
Over time the OM got a girlfriend & tried to keep it on the down low. It took a couple months to figure it out. I never wanted to be the OW & so through serious personal examination I am finally coming out of the fog. I want the OM to be happy. He would like to have a life with me but I chose my H.
My H is a smart man. From the very start of first knowing the OM again I told my H that I thought our marriage was over. He went to the doctor & found his low libido was because he retired & got fat. He began to lose the weight & the drive returned. We both began to work on our marriage. He knew I was distracted but never knew why. For the first time in 16 years he got angry. He knew there was someone else but I was always home so he couldn’t figure it out. We moved past all that months ago when I decided I wanted to be married to him & make things work.
The OM doesn’t feel that contact with me diminishes anything from his current girlfriend. Maybe it doesn’t. He knows we need to stop the flirting. I’ve decided that I will see him for one day next week. For many of you this will not make sense. It’s just something I have to do. I do not want a PA & so it won’t happen. My H is again a fantastic lover.
I do not understand why I have feelings for the OM. If I didn’t have my H I would give up my job & move to be with the OM. But that is not to be. I am so much better than I was in the beginning. The part I want people to know is that as the EA lessens & reason returns it does feel more like a friendship. I probably should but do not feel guilty that this happened to me. My marriage is better now for it. I’m sure some will cringe reading that. It made me realize what I want in life. My H says he finally sees what I was trying to say & we are better.
I will always care for the OM. We are not as close as we were because of the girlfriend. We talk about the weather & common interests & at times I dump my feelings on him. I get jealous of the gf but know he is not mine to have because I chose my H. Things usually get flirty if either of us drinks. He knew he crossed the line recently when he texted that he could give me an exciting life instead of me settling for my older H & financial comforts. I know he still struggles with how it all turned out.
Well there you have it. My story.
Newstart, thank you for your side on being the cs. I have to say though, do you really want to risk what you have with your h? You say you want to be with your h, you choose him, but in all honesty, you are playing with fire. Do not see this om, for your h sake.
Seeing this om, can bring all these feelings that you ave to the front and just maybe that pa you don’t want, may just happen.
I think you need to think of your h, first and foremost. Your h hasn’t asked to be in this situation, this is t your hand, and you need to show your h just how much he means to you, be not having anymore contact with the om. You can’t ave it both ways, your h or the om, who now has a gf. She too never asked to be in the middle of this situation.
Anyway good luck, and I hope you can find the strength to do what’s right.
Thank you strenthrequired. I must have read my story 10 times yesterday. I think it has given me the courage to do the right thing. I can’t take the chance that something might happen physically or that my feelings would get strong again. The OM & I had yet another texting fight last night. Tensions have been high about the meeting. I let him talk me into meeting which is wrong. Now I’ve wasted a bunch of money & will be hanging out by myself. I told him I was making the decisions now & I can end all contact. I’m tired of it all. I know I deserve the pain now for all the flirting. I think the stress of meeting was worse than breaking it off. I feel better than I have in a long time. I’ll tell you being the OW is awful & I will not take a backseat to anyone & I don’t think my H should ever take a backseat to this OM either. My H is a much better man.
It is impossible to give your heart to two people at once. I gave it my best shot & it just causes pain & confusion.
I would say the fog is gone. I just hope the OM leaves me alone. I know I can do this. I quit smoking 7 years ago & haven’t had a cigarette since. My answer was to never have one. I can’t let the OM worm his way back into my heart or I will be miserable again.
Newstart, I’m glad you see you have the strength to move past and forward from your ea with the om. I’m so happy to hear how much you things to work with your h, you both deserve this chance to be happy.
I appreciate your words about not liking being the ow and knowing that you and your h not deserve to take the backseat in any relationship. Which is exactly what was happening during your ea.
I wish my h ow, would see how horrible and hurtful it is, no just on her but on those it is affecting, my h, myself in our family. Yet she doesn’t have any morals, just wants what she wants n doesn’t care who is in the way to get it.
I am so happy for you, that you see the fog is clear, and how you realize that, running two separate lives, two separate loves are tiring and hard to keep up. It would be very stressful. Your comment about how you feel so much better about breaking things off and that the thought of seeing the om, as far more stressful, is a good sign.
Just focus on your family, and be strong, all that wasted energy that was given to the om, will be so much more fulfilling when you give it to your h, your family, and your marriage will be strong for it.
I know if there is nothing that me as a bs would look at, and that is knowing that we can have a stronger, better, happier marriage, not the best ay to improve things by all means, but at times I would like to take it as a blessing in disguise, that make us stop and take a look at ourselves and our marriages and our h/w’s and give us that well deserved kick we need to get back on the right track, and.revive our marriages. It’s a sign saying, see what’s in front of you, your h/w, your children, all you have built together as a family and fight it with ll you have.
So having said that, I guess this is here my determination lies, with not letting the ow, destroy my h, my marriage, my family and all we have worked for, so she can take something that she doesn’t deserve.
You are doing the right thing, just delete his number, his emails etc, and even block his number, to help you move forward. Just hold tight to your h.
Strengthrequired your kind words made me cry. I don’t think I deserve them after all this foolishness. I once knew an old woman who was 90. She came for a visit one evening and as I was helping her to the car on a dark beautiful summer night she grabbed my arm & said in all her years the pain equals the good in life. For all the good there is an equal amount of good.
I think of that these days. It was exciting to discover the OM. Until the gf he was constantly showering me with Aadoration
Everyday he told me how beautiful I am. He sent me texts at all hours of the day & night. I knew it was wrong and I had a hard time sleeping. You could just see the stress in my eyes. Early on when I was in the fog my story is much like Doug’s & the others. My mind played tricks & I actually contemplated giving up my wonderful life for the OM. I didn’t find joy in my hobbies or friends. I daydreamed at home & at work. I imagined a perfect life.
During all of this stupidity my H was by my side caring for me as though I had cancer or some other disease. He began to sit by me on the couch. Any wish I had was granted. I wanted to feel the passion for my H like I felt for the OM. I wanted my H to be younger & thinner like the OM. The attraction to the OM was so strong that my H could have been the greatest man in the world & it wouldn’t have mattered. I woke myself up in the night just to read emails & texts.I lived for his attention.
The OM is exactly the same man that I became so crazy about. He has a fantastic job, personality, hobbies, looks & humor that he had in the beginning. My H is still the same man that I’ve always known. He is good, kind, caring, funny & sweet. Those crazy intense feelings that I had for the OM in the beginning are gone for both men. To be honest I am glad that I was able to feel them again. I thought it was gone forever. I don’t need it anymore & I know when you compare the 2 men my H is the better man. I hope you don’t mind if I check in over the next week while I’m on this trip. I know I can stay strong & stay away from him. I think he was ready to stop the madness too. But deep down I think he will make an attempt. We’ve only gone a few days without communicating. We think we can just be friends & we cant.
My story didnt come out as I intended because I published too soon. The old lady told me that good equals bad in life. I’m reminded of that because for any good feelings I had for the OM I felt the pain in my life. Nobody probably cares because I brought this on myself. In the fog I was trying to decide if I should change my life & that was very stressful. I couldn’t tell anyone anything & the secret ruled my life for a long time. Now sometimes when I look at my H I am reminded why I love him. I want to give all my love to my H. To give to one takes away from the other. I recognized this & very slowly began to quit giving the OM information. If I had a story to tell I would save it for H. It is true that the CS will only quit when they are good & ready. I also made the extra effort to get closer physically to my H. I get up early & go to work. I made it a point to have coffee & then snuggle in with H for just a few extra mins before getting into work clothes. Nothing had to happen except the closeness. I didn’t have the answers on how to fix it but I knew I had to try. It’s still a work in progress.
The old lady sounds very wise, I guess once you
Sorry, didn’t finish what I was saying. Lol
That old lady sounds very wise, and as we know with age comes wisdom, a lifetimes worth. All the wrongs we wished we could have made right or erase, all the wrongs we did make right, and all the good we did in our lifetime.
You should come on here, it will give you the strength to keep looking and moving forward to your future with your h and children.
You do deserve happiness, everyone deserves happiness, you deserve the support to make things right with your h.
You have been strong and brave letting your story out, and that in itself is something to be proud of, as you know what needs to be done.
I can understand the longing of feeling simply irresistible to someone, especially when our marriages become comfortable, we get used to our busy lives, a lot of it lived separately due to work, children. Life gets caught up in the way, of what we would love to experience again, that feeling of excitement. The thing is, I know my h got caught up in the infatuation side of things, he felt good when life at home seemed to bring forward all the responsibilities, such as bills being a good provider etc. With the ow, he could escape from it all, she made him feel good, she stroked his ego, like nothing else mattered to her, not even her children. She had to feed their relationship as much as she could to get him away from me.
It’s amazes me on how much attention he gave his ea, yet the attention he needed to give it to me and our children. Imoften feel sad because when it was d.day for me, my youngest was just one yr old, she needed her daddy’s attention and love, yet she barely received any of that, the ow took it.
Look after yourself and don’t let the om have you lose sight on where your priorities lie, you want your marriage then, you need to focus and keep clear of the om. I know you can do it.
Strengthrequired thank you again for your kind words of encouragement. I fly this morning back to my hometown. Yes the OM has made 2 attempts to reach me even though I was clear & said I did not want to see him. It reminds me of what some others have written about lack of respect. I planned this trip in hopes that when I saw him I would realize that he wasn’t that great after all. The pressure of the visit forced him to explain that at rapid speed he was pretty much living with the gf & couldn’t even get away for a nice public dinner. That’s when the red flags flew & I realized this now involves the gf & a bunch of kids. The gf has 2 children & he has become a father figure. I don’t need to be involved in that. It’s given me the motivation to just ignore him. His plan was to take vacation during the day & be home in time for dinner. I know in my heart that our relationship was not the ‘special friends’ deal that he kept saying it was. I’ll write again. I too wish your h would just give up the ow & do the right thing.
Newstart, please think of yourself and your family, this om is definitely not. Here he is with a gf who he is living with and still wanting you on the side. Don’t let him have you disrespect yourself. Don’t let him use you this way, you have a. At home that loves and adores you and only you so hang onto him for all it’s worth. You don’t deserve to be in a situation where your only there to fill in time. Get out all your old photos of you and your h and children and remember why you married your h, why he was special for you all those years ago, and make it stronger now. You saw now disrespectful this om has been to your decision. Don’t let him drag you down, where you could end up losing the most important person in the world to you, your h. It’s not worth it. Nothing is worth losing your family over.
Take care ok.
Thank you too Newstart, I do hope my h, truly sees what his ow was really. Wanting and it wasn’t him, it was what he could provide her and her children. She had only left her h, and needed someone to help her with raising her children. She got scared, and used what information my h gave her to sink her claws into him.
I do feel sad for my h, because although I know she doesn’t love him or respect him, I know how hard hen fell for her, thinking that she did. I know he doesn’t want to feel foolish so it was much easier just to believe her lies, than to see that she didn’t love him. It’s sad for me, because i hate then thought of anyone taking advantage of my h, he is a good man and doesn’t deserve people like that in his life. He likes being the hero, he likes helping people out, so she played on that aspect of his nature.
It’s very sentimental going to a restaurant that he always said he wanted to take me too. I cursed him today for making me want something I couldn’t have. Then again I chose my h so that is life. I just wanted a dinner & even suggested he bring the gf to keep things on the up & up. He wasn’t going for that when I suggested it a couple weeks ago. My girl friends will fill in the blank over the next 5 days. My h was able to go on holiday for 5 weeks. I saw him for 9 days but came home to work. It’s bad timing for everything but in a way it’s good to be alone & get things straight. I did get another text this am from the OM. He’s hearing my silence & getting the msg.
This may be what you need Newstart, this break, for just yourself. Get things more clearer in your head and give yourself a chance to really miss your h. As I said, look at all your old pics together, and get excited over seeing yur h on his return, or maybe even go and surprise him, when you feel ready. Make it your start at making your heart skip a beat for your h, like it used to. Trust me, the love I have for my h is a blessing, and I thank god everyday that he came home, that he was able to see that he wasn’t feeling good not being home.
Strengthrequired- update on the trip. I made it through without seeing him. He’s angry now but I don’t care. It’s just too hard playing with fire and I’m not going to do it anymore. I realized from this site how hurtful it can be for the bs. I said from the start I didn’t want to hurt anyone. It didn’t work out that way. I think everyone felt the effects of this mess. The OM would like to keep on as though nothing has changed and the only effective way to deal with this is just to ignore him. I’m glad he lives far away.
Newstart
I’ve been following your thread and just didn’t have the energy to add anything last week. I hear what you are saying with regards to all this and even somewhat understand you angst. I understand being ignored by one’s husband and finding a thrill outside that relationship. What I don’t understand that if your H is NOT meeting your needs, why are you staying with him? Why do the CS feel the need to go out and even actively seek out the new replacement before the old relationship is even over with? This seems to me you are only adding more confusion to your life let alone your partner’s life. Maybe you really need to examine whether or not you should even be staying in your present relationship. I also see that you let other decide what is and isn’t good for you. Why are you letting this imaginary boyfriend dictate your values? I’m sure it seems real but it isn’t. You don’t really know him you only know the him he is showing you thru a few snippets in emails and I think you said FB. You sound like a bright adult why are you acting like a love smitten teenager. You can get rid of this imaginary relationship by changing your email account and deleting the old. Block him from your facebook account etc. You need to deal in the real world with real relationships. It’s time women quit believing in that prince charming myth. This guy is NO prince charming, he is a liar. Does that sound like a stable person with whom to start a new relationship? So a liar is better than a bore? All I know is you can’t move forward until you understand and fix your past. Quit giving other people your power. You are not a bad person but your are acting foolish. That’s ok when you’re 15 not very attractive as an adult woman.
Hi Newstart, I am glad you came to this site because it helps me understand what is going through my wife’s head. Did your H ever confront you about the EA and if he did how did it make you feel?
Tryinghard- everything you say is exactly correct. I justified my actions for too long until I finally came to understand and deal with it on my own. I don’t know why all this happened to me. All I do know now is that the OM was not imaginary. He was giving me attention for months when my H didn’t. They are very different people and like everyone they have faults too. My H had no desire and once he worked on losing weight the OM was not as important anymore. Why stay? Because for 16 years so much was right. We were great companions and lived together well like brother/sister. If things would not have changed for the H & I I do believe I would have move closer to the OM & got a divorce. I don’t want to live with my brother. It’s not enough for me. I want the passion too and that is once again back. I know part of the problem is that I am much younger than H.
Dave, my H never knew about the EA. I’m sure he would have been very angry and it would have ended the marriage. Things are black and white with him. I picked this thread because early on when I told H that I thought the marriage was done and I wanted to leave he got angry. All of this discussion occurred within 2 weeks of first talking to the OM. Before my feelings became strong for the OM. I felt that after 2 years of living like brother/sister that if things didn’t improve I was wanting to leave. Until he lost the weight things didn’t improve for a while and that’s when I spent time chatting with the OM. H could feel someone else was taking my attention. I was distracted & distant. He knew something was wrong & he was drinking a lot. One night he got violent and I left. When I came back he said he would see a counselor. The counselor told him he should be happy I pointed out the problems. After years of never fighting or disagreeing that wasn’t working anymore. H changed our marriage. I knew the OM could not replace my H but I still thought of him fondly. I can’t have any contact with him because it always turns into more than friends on the chatting.
I know it’s hard to compare people and different lives. I have no doubt that the OM would love me and humor me very well. I do know his personality and he is not fake. I spent 4 years as friends in high school and I spent 7 months being in contact with the OM. We shared a lot. It was mostly a friendship but it wasn’t right because things were said that I wouldn’t want H to see. He’s a good guy that got caught up in this as much as I did. I don’t blame him for getting a gf and moving on. He should.
If my H would not have been able to change things I know that by now we would have been over even without the OM being in the picture. I wanted to find love and romance again and I did that with my H.
Newstart
I can only have an opinion about what I have read in your posts. I don’t know you or your boyfriend as to whether or not he is imaginary or not. Certainly I hope you will agree that the relationship with your H is more real than the one you are having on line, long distance, facebook, etc with your boyfriend. OK so you knew him in high school. People change sometimes and maybe he hasn’t, but I really doubt it. Indisputable is that he is a liar. He is lying to his live in girlfriend. Do you really believe you are so special that he isn’t lying to you?
It also sounds to me that you are blaming your H for your choice to carry on this EA with another person, “..he’s overweight, lived like brother and sister, etc…”. So I suppose you are pretty perfect in all ways right? You didn’t do anything to contribute to the “brother and sister” relationship? You didn’t know he was older than you when you married him? You told him you weren’t happy in the relationship and wanted to change things up before you met your boyfriend on line again?? I’m not trying to pass judgement, but I do see a lot of justifying your actions in your posts. I’m not even agreeing that you should stay with your husband but please don’t try to carry on two relationships. Sure he’ll get mad that you want to leave so you better plan ahead and don’t put yourself in any position that could become volatile but don’t stay because you feel an obligation or sorry for him or that you are afraid of him.
People change. Relationships change. And maybe this is where you are at and that’s ok. I hope you figure out what you want and move on and not play both of them because you are doing yourself a big disservice and only making things worse for you and him. Life is short and you deserve to be happy. And you H deserves an honest relationship. Good Luck I do wish you the very best.
Tryinghhard- I have made the decision to not carry on with the OM anymore. I feel this sight has given me the reason to do that. I do not want this EA in my life anymore. I realize the only way to end the EA is to stop contact with the OM. I did not see him when I had the chance & I stopped the contact. I don’t have to lie on this anonymous site. I don’t have to justify my actions to anyone including myself. It can’t be justified. It caused more harm than good and it needed to stop.
Newstart, I’m glad you didn’t see the om on your trip. That took a lot of strength. I’m sure most cs say they don’t want to hurt anyone t the beginning, I guess that’s why the lies start happening. Yet someone always gets hurt. As in tell my h, stay because you love the family you have, you love me, don’t stay because of the children or because you feel guilty if you leave or you are worried on how I will cope, I’m a big girl, I will look after our kids, I will stand on my own two feet without you, unlike the ow who leaves her h, then targets my h because she is scared about how she will support her family, she needed someone to fill in the support role. So if you want that, then go right ahead, be used.
He tells me that he loves me and he isnt staying for any other reason.
If your h truly s who you want then you need to fight for him, and stay strong about stopping all contact with the om. You have already been strong, so keep it up for your h and your children.
Good luck
To all,
While I am a forgiving person, much so that I am working on my 23 yrs of marriage after my H’s EM, I am truly struggling with these past few commentaries. Not once have a read the words “honesty” in an appropriate and useful sense. I have forgiven my h for his wrong-doings, but it does not dismiss the notion that it was/is a SELFISH act to hold people hostage and attempt to justify it! The very idea of an “Affair” breeds dishonesty. What is wrong with plain and simple honest words like “My marriage isn’t working out”!! You can’t claim to love someone and than look at them in the face and hurt them over-and-over again with LIES. That isn’t love! Cheaters cheat because they are to afraid to loose on both ends. So they try out both sides to determine which one would work out best for them in the end. Even after forgiveness, the hurt still exists. I love my H. Everyday he tries to make-up for what he has done by loving me and his children. The remorse he feels is clear and present all the time. The damage however that this has caused is deep and within me! I don’t know about you all, but my H and I took took an oath, before God, to love and to cherish, and in honesty, etc…We forgive because God asks us to. I will let God decide how to proceed as I recover, and let him be the judge of what is to come. I too fall short of His glory in many ways, and so I remind myself of it!
Honesty has to be apart of any relationship. If there is no honesty it all falls apart.
We are all struggling, we all cope the best we know how. Just because we stay with our cs, fighting for our marriage is because it’s what we believe in, we made our vows to each other for good and bad times, this is definantly a bad time, so we honor our vows to our cs, in the hopes that they remember the vows they took with us.
We don’t walk away from someone you love whe you see them clearly in pain and in need of your help.
People lose their way all the time, my h was no different, he is finding himself again, but only because I stood by him. Sure he lied and kept being dishonest, however that isn’t the person I know he is. Each day I know my h will prove himself just that much more, and if he doesn’t then at least I gave my marriage everything. I have nothing to feel bad about.
I forgive my h, forgetting about what as happened highly doubt it.
Take care healing person. Yes what our cs did was very very selfish.